:00:56. > :01:06.Right, then. Let's get a look at Oh, no! No, no, no, not good. Not
:01:06. > :01:06.
:01:07. > :01:14.Aye, not good. Not good at all. It's on the chest. Listen...
:01:14. > :01:24.Bleugheh-gheh... Gheh-gheh... Cssk...thrrp! I'm just gonnae have
:01:24. > :01:24.
:01:24. > :01:31.a lie-doon on the couch, wi' a wee HE CHUCKLES Ah, that'll gie the
:01:31. > :01:35.bastard something to think aboot. That's bad news. What is? Making
:01:35. > :01:39.out you're at death's door when there's heehaw wrang wi' you. He's
:01:39. > :01:43.worried sick. Is he buggery?! He called last month there when I had
:01:43. > :01:48.the flu. Sure I was bad wi' it. And he gives it on the phone, "It's
:01:48. > :01:51.probably just a cold, Dad. Take a couple of aspirins and away to your
:01:51. > :01:55.bed." Hmm! Aye, that's right. That's you clamped noo cos you know
:01:55. > :01:58.what he's like. He's an uncaring bastard. That's enough now. Know
:01:58. > :02:03.what he said there? What? "Och, Dad, we'll probably not get a holiday
:02:03. > :02:06.this year. We're too busy." I KNOW that's a lot of pish because the
:02:06. > :02:11.grandwean let slip to me that's they're going to her maw's for a
:02:11. > :02:15.fortnight in thingmy... Er, Runcorn. I mean, that's only just doon the
:02:15. > :02:21.road. Yes, you're quite right, Victor. You have indeed been
:02:21. > :02:24.treated shoddily, nae, shiteily. If I were you, I would contact my city
:02:24. > :02:27.solicitor and inform them the McDade millions will not be passed
:02:27. > :02:34.on to their natural son John, but awarded in its totality to the cat
:02:34. > :02:38.and dug home. He shall suffer for his lack of concern by receiving
:02:38. > :02:43.none of my millions and nain of my stuff. Surely he expects to be
:02:43. > :02:53.bequeathed the side plate of Blackpool. Nor will he ever clap
:02:53. > :03:01.
:03:01. > :03:06.Oh, Peg, how'd you get on? Fantastic! She was that accurate.
:03:06. > :03:12.What did she tell you? I'm coming into money. Aye. I'm gonnae get a
:03:12. > :03:17.holiday. Oh! I've to worry less. aye. And... I've got a big change
:03:17. > :03:26.coming. That's great news. ..In't it, Meena? ..Good for you, Peggy.
:03:26. > :03:35.Aye. Next! Oh, Jeez, that's me. Oh- h! Leave your scampi on the table,
:03:35. > :03:44.hen. I dinnae want ma tent honked Oh, dear, if it isnae Long John
:03:44. > :03:51.Silver(!) If I was, you'd be first to walk the plank, you bank! Tam.
:03:51. > :03:57...Eric. What's wrang wi' you? foot's loupin'. Can barely staun on
:03:57. > :04:02.it. Is it a bunion or something? it's not a bunion. Here, wait till
:04:02. > :04:05.I show you. Oh-h, ya bastard! What is that? Put your slipper back on.
:04:06. > :04:10.That would gi' you the boke. doctor's going to give me something
:04:10. > :04:15.for it. Aye, a hacksaw! Whoa! Oh, what a joy to behold(!) That's no'
:04:15. > :04:18.getting better, that's finished. When it draps off, I'll gi' you a
:04:18. > :04:24.tenner. We'll stick it behind the bar as an attraction. Shut up! I'm
:04:25. > :04:30.in agony here. Oh, what's going on? It's a scampi and tarot night.
:04:30. > :04:40.�2.50. Peggy organised it. What's "tarot"? Cards. Looking in the
:04:40. > :04:49.
:04:49. > :04:54.future and that. Apparently she's Ella, what happened there?
:04:54. > :04:58.didnae like her reading. Well, what did you tell her? I telt her she
:04:58. > :05:02.was gonna get knocked down by a motor next Thursday. What did you
:05:02. > :05:09.tell her that for? That's what it said in the cards. You're no' here
:05:09. > :05:19.to tell them they're gonnae snuff it. Bobby, the cards dinnae lie. Is
:05:19. > :05:31.
:05:31. > :05:36.there somebody here in pain... It is a bit whiffy, in't it? Aye, a
:05:36. > :05:40.wee bit. Do you smoke, Mr Ingram? No, no, not at all, son. I gied it
:05:40. > :05:48.up five year ago. Too dear, sure. How many would you say you smoked a
:05:48. > :05:52.day? 10, 15...say, 80. 80?! Well, I would say that could be the reason
:05:52. > :05:58.for your foot. I'll send you to Dr Fletcher at the Royal, get him to
:05:58. > :06:02.have a look. Is it that bad, is it? It's pretty bad. Bad enough to
:06:02. > :06:06.claim Attendance Allowance? Oh, yes, I would say so. I'll have to fill
:06:06. > :06:11.out a form for the Social Security. Yes, ya dancer! That's the number
:06:11. > :06:16.of the hospital. Can you get there tomorrow? No problem, son. There's
:06:16. > :06:19.just one other person I've got to see first.
:06:20. > :06:23.# I'm in the money! # I'm in the money! I've got a
:06:23. > :06:28.gammy foot # And it's worth an extra 40 quid a
:06:28. > :06:31.week in Attendance Allowance! # What are you looking so cheerful
:06:31. > :06:37.aboot? Doctor says I've to get extra Social Security for my bad
:06:37. > :06:43.foot. Wha's the matter wi' it? Oh, Jesus! That's boggin'! What caused
:06:43. > :06:53.that? Years of smoking. Here, you might get lucky, Jack. You could be
:06:53. > :06:54.
:06:54. > :07:02.Ha-ha! You'll be back in ten minutes, fishing that oot of there!
:07:02. > :07:07.Jesus, I have known you a long, long time, and I have never seen
:07:07. > :07:11.you without that pipe. Aye, I know, aye. You've just gotta watch, but,
:07:11. > :07:16.you know? How's that? They say that when you stop smoking, your weight
:07:16. > :07:24.shoots up. Oh, aye? Aye. Something to do with the increase in appetite.
:07:24. > :07:27.Is that a fact, aye? Oh, look at that. You've got a message on your
:07:27. > :07:31.answering machine. I'll retrieve that. Da-da-da, indeed you will not.
:07:31. > :07:35.Last time I had a message, you rubbed it out. Oh, Mr Popular(!)
:07:35. > :07:39.That was about two bloody year ago. Not had a phone call since then,
:07:39. > :07:44.no? You're just jealous cos I've got a machine AND I've got a
:07:44. > :07:51.message. Are you gonnae let us hear it or what?
:07:51. > :07:56.Right. You may retrieve the message now. CLICK! Oh, shite!
:07:56. > :08:02.What? I've only went and rubbed it oot. Hey! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Only kidding.
:08:02. > :08:07.Are you ready? Aye, ready. OK. Dad. You're no' in. Maybe you're
:08:07. > :08:12.sleeping. 'Look, I hope you're feeling better. I'll, er...phone
:08:12. > :08:16.later.' BEEP! VICTOR CHUCKLES There you are. There you are what? He's
:08:16. > :08:19.worried. Look, John calls me, if I'm lucky, every six months. He's
:08:19. > :08:24.called yesterday, there he is today. He's sitting up, he's paying
:08:24. > :08:29.attention noo. That's no' fair. You've got him worried for nothing.
:08:30. > :08:36.PHONE RINGS Oh, well, seems to be...working.
:08:36. > :08:40.STRAINED VOICE: Hello. John, son. Yes, I got your message. I just
:08:40. > :08:50.went out for a wee bit of fresh air there. Thought it might do me some
:08:50. > :08:50.
:08:50. > :08:59.good. No, I just seem to have tired mysel' oot. Jack? Yes, Jack's here,
:08:59. > :09:06.how? (He wants to speak to you. ..Come on!) Get it up you, Victor.
:09:06. > :09:13.I'm not telling lies for you. Here he is.
:09:13. > :09:22.Hello, John. Uh-huh. Aye, aye, he's not great, is he? No. No, but he's
:09:22. > :09:25.got me, sure. Aye, aye. I'll make sure he gets a right good rest.
:09:25. > :09:29.VICTOR COUGHS That's a smashing idea, son. That's what to do, aye.
:09:29. > :09:35.Phone the morrow. OK, right you are, Johnny boy. See you later now. All
:09:35. > :09:45.the best. You are one big, lousy bastard!
:09:45. > :09:46.
:09:46. > :09:50.Oh, how are you doing, Isa? Terrible. Know what that bloody
:09:50. > :09:53.spey wife says to me? Ah, the spey wife. You're gonna hear about a
:09:53. > :10:02.birth, you're gonna get lucky wi' money, and, get this, you're gonna
:10:02. > :10:06.die on Thursday. What you laughin' You don't believe that, do you?
:10:06. > :10:10.Everybody else said she was dead accurate. She's put the fear of God
:10:10. > :10:18.in me. How are you going to meet your maker? Knocked doon by a car,
:10:18. > :10:21.a silver car. Oh, wait a minute. What? I've got a silver car. Maybe
:10:21. > :10:25.I'm going to knock you down on Thursday, so I don't have to pay
:10:25. > :10:29.you on Friday! It's no' funny. I gied her �2.50.
:10:29. > :10:32.�2.50 for your fortune? You got a plate of scampi an' a'
:10:32. > :10:35.for that. I think it is safe to assume your
:10:35. > :10:39.spey wife is talking pish. How's that? Scampi, huh?
:10:39. > :10:44.A bag of that from the cash'n'carry would set you back about �7.99. How
:10:44. > :10:47.many of you were there? Um... Eight of us. Eight portions,
:10:47. > :10:51.huh? Was there tartare sauce? Oh, yes.
:10:51. > :10:55.So that's another 10p which leaves you with �1.40. �1.40?! With
:10:55. > :10:59.transport both ways, say �2, that's �4, divided by eight people is 50p.
:10:59. > :11:03.Take that away from the �1.40, leaves you with 90p. So you're
:11:03. > :11:08.telling me you queued up to pay 90p to hear you were going to pop your
:11:08. > :11:12.clogs on Thursday? Forgive me, Isa, but you're being a stupid cow. If
:11:12. > :11:17.you could read fortunes, would you only be charging 90p? Would you
:11:17. > :11:27.buggery! Aye! Why don't you give me 90p now, and I'll tell you you'll
:11:27. > :11:34.
:11:34. > :11:41.wake up as Brigitte Bardot. Six eggs, Navid. Oh, hello, Isa.
:11:41. > :11:51.Isa, that's Noreen Kirkwood had a wee boy, 7lbs 6oz.
:11:51. > :11:55.Got a sharp knife in the house? do, aye, how? I bought carrots.
:11:55. > :11:59.Gonnae cut them into wee bits. Then what are you gonna do? Stick 'em
:11:59. > :12:03.back together? No, I'm gonnae eat them. Gonnae keep me aff the pipe.
:12:03. > :12:06.Oh, aye, the pipe. How are you getting on? Shite, actually.
:12:06. > :12:10.Couldnae get to sleep for ages last night and then, when I eventually
:12:10. > :12:13.did drap aff, the dreams. What dreams? Pipe dreams. Me, bollock-
:12:13. > :12:18.naked, running aboot a tobacco field, slow motion, like that, and
:12:18. > :12:23.the field's on fire. I'm not worried. I just lie doon, fill my
:12:23. > :12:28.lungs, like that. Those wee carrots are gonnae save
:12:28. > :12:38.you? Aye, well, let's hope so. PHONE
:12:38. > :12:42.
:12:42. > :12:50.Oaaarggh! What are you daeing? I'm just getting into character.
:12:50. > :13:00.STRAINED VOICE Hello. Hello, John. You're what? Half an hour, you say?
:13:00. > :13:01.
:13:01. > :13:05.Right. OK. Bye. Jack! What? That was John. He's at the airport. He's
:13:05. > :13:09.here! He's gonnae be here in half an hour. I bloody telt you. Telt me
:13:09. > :13:13.what? Putting on that performance on the phone! What are we gonnae
:13:13. > :13:15.dae? What are WE gonnae dae? Don't drag
:13:15. > :13:19.me into it. I'm doon a hole here.
:13:19. > :13:24.Aye, you are, but you dug it yourself. Giving it all that, "I'm
:13:24. > :13:26.gonnae lie on the couch "wi' a hot- water bottle. I'm no' well." You
:13:27. > :13:32.worked the boy into a frenzy and noo he's here.
:13:32. > :13:36.Right, right. You open the door... Aye. ..and you say, "You're too
:13:36. > :13:40.late, your dad's deid!" That's utter shite. He's just aff the
:13:40. > :13:45.phone to you, says he'll be half an hour, what am I tae dae, say,
:13:45. > :13:47."Hello, John. By the way, your dad died ten minutes ago"? You're right.
:13:47. > :13:50.It's garbage, Jack. YOU think of something.
:13:50. > :13:54.How have I got to think of something?
:13:54. > :13:57.You spoke to him last. You probably laid it on too thick.
:13:57. > :14:01.You're to blame. Oh, aye, aye. That's right. I'm to
:14:01. > :14:05.blame, aye. I accept that. Here's what we'll do. I'll get an Irn Bru
:14:05. > :14:15.bottle and batter your bastard melt in wi' it! Then you will be ill
:14:15. > :14:21.
:14:21. > :14:31.when he comes to the door. What a Hold on, but... How does this
:14:31. > :14:31.
:14:31. > :14:35.Oh, no! What's up wi' you? I found a tenner, Navid. Oh, jeez, that's
:14:35. > :14:39.bad. What's bad about finding a...? Ah, the spey wife. First the birth,
:14:40. > :14:44.now the money, huh? I'm gonna get killed by a car on Thursday. Now,
:14:44. > :14:48.Isa, calm your beans. It's a coincidence. Oh! You're not gonnae
:14:48. > :14:54.die on Thursday. Put it to the back of your mind. Don't let your life
:14:54. > :14:58.be ruled by such silliness. Do you think? Aye. Oh. I'm just being daft,
:14:58. > :15:08.in't I? Aye, but just in case, huh, maybe I should pop this in the
:15:08. > :15:16.window, hey? Grapes? Any grapes? Aye, just there.
:15:16. > :15:21.Aye, right. Wait a minute, People's Friend. Oh, and I need Lucozade and
:15:21. > :15:24.paracetamol. Right-o. I need big hankies. Aye,
:15:24. > :15:29.they'll do. Are you OK there?
:15:29. > :15:31.Er, me, aye. What a bloody day I'm having. I've gied up my pipe, you
:15:31. > :15:36.know. Oh, good for you.
:15:36. > :15:41.I'm all yon jangly way, you know. I'm sure that will pass. I'm sure
:15:41. > :15:44.it will. If I ask you for tobacco, under no
:15:44. > :15:52.circumstances let me have it, OK? Understood. Doesn't matter how much
:15:52. > :15:56.I want it. No. I've no' to get it. You've no' to get it. Beggin',
:15:56. > :16:02.pleadin' shoutin' and bawlin', doon on ma knees, I have not to get
:16:02. > :16:06.tobacco. No tobacco. Right. OK. you later. I'll take a packet of
:16:06. > :16:12.tobacco. Navid! Come on, Jack, a sale's a sale.
:16:12. > :16:21.Aye, you big bastard, you! It will always be here for you, Jack.
:16:21. > :16:29.DOORBELL WEAK VOICE: Jack...who's that? It's your son, John, came to
:16:29. > :16:38.visit you. Dad?
:16:38. > :16:46.John, son, it's good to... STARTS COUGHING. Come closer, son. Let me
:16:46. > :16:53.see you. Ah, you're getting old, just like your da. How was your
:16:53. > :16:59.flight, son? Och, never mind that. How are you? Ach, you know. Jack!
:16:59. > :17:06.What? Can I get a wee cup of tea? Aye, aye. Jack, could you run us up
:17:06. > :17:12.a wee plate of sandwiches, an' a'? What do you want on them? Cheese.
:17:12. > :17:19.Could you grate it, but? Grate it? Put a wee bit of onion through it.
:17:19. > :17:23.Onion. And Branston Pickle. Pickle? Right!
:17:23. > :17:29.Right, hello, Mr Ingram. You wish to apply for Attendance Allowance?
:17:29. > :17:33.For my fit. You take fits? No. For my foot. What's wrong wi' it?
:17:33. > :17:37.knackered. What do you mean? It's sore when I walk, when I'm sleeping,
:17:37. > :17:42.it's sore all the time. You want extra money for that? Yes. We'll
:17:42. > :17:48.need a doctor's report. Of course. That won't be a problem. Of course
:17:48. > :17:52.it won't. What do you mean, "Of course it won't"? Well, as I can
:17:52. > :17:56.see from your file, it's one of the things you excel in - claiming. In
:17:56. > :18:03.1992, you claimed for a new cooker AND a new fire because you said two
:18:03. > :18:07.big men came in, tied you up, and stole them.
:18:07. > :18:09.That's right. That was horrible, that. Last year, you claimed a
:18:09. > :18:18.laundry allowance because of incontinence due to a motorcycle
:18:18. > :18:22.accident. Yes, yes, that's quite correct. I was on the sidecar of my
:18:22. > :18:28.mate, Phil's, er, motorcycle. We hit an oil patch, and - boof! -
:18:28. > :18:34.that was it. It came away and I shat myself. That was me after that.
:18:34. > :18:39.I just got into the way of it. I've got a big nappy on right now.
:18:39. > :18:45.this claim, to be honest, is a bit of a let-down. Eh? It's not very
:18:45. > :18:50.imaginative, is it? I do have a bad foot! I don't think you do. Well,
:18:50. > :19:00.darlin'... How would you like to get your tongue in-between those
:19:00. > :19:02.
:19:02. > :19:09.tootsies? Get that off my desk! So, he's no' staying wi' you, then?
:19:09. > :19:12.No. He's checked hissel' into one of they big hotels in the toon.
:19:12. > :19:16.don't you come clean and tell him you've been acting the goat?
:19:16. > :19:20.That'll be right. He'll go aff his nut. When are you seeing him again?
:19:20. > :19:28.He's gonnae pop up later. Anyway, that gies us a chance to get a pint.
:19:28. > :19:32.Aye... Aggh! Dad! Oh-h! What are you doing oot? What am I doing oot,
:19:32. > :19:36.Jack? Eh? Er, I thought we could see if he could manage a wee pint.
:19:36. > :19:40.With all due respect, I think my dad should be in the house. John's
:19:40. > :19:43.right. I should be in the hoose. that's a lot of nonsense, Victor,
:19:43. > :19:50.sure. Wee bit of company will do you the world of good. I'll come
:19:50. > :19:55.wi' you. MOBILE RINGS Excuse me, Dad, Jack. ..Hello? It's the hotel.
:19:55. > :20:03.What'll we dae? Go for a pint. everyone in the Clansman will be
:20:03. > :20:12.wondering what's wrang wi' me. pint! Oh-h! Aye, aye, take your
:20:12. > :20:17.I'll just stand here for a wee minute, catch my breath. It's
:20:17. > :20:27.awfully smoky in there, Jack. wait wi' you, then. Right, I'll
:20:27. > :20:30.
:20:30. > :20:35.wait an' a', then. Oh, er...no, I'm Here, listen. Tam, Eric, shh!
:20:35. > :20:39...Bobby. Victor, no' well at all. What's wrong with him?
:20:39. > :20:43.Nothing. His boy's here from South Africa
:20:43. > :20:47.cos Victor made out he's no' well. Why? He just did. Victor's laying
:20:47. > :20:50.it on thick...crinkle-cut crisps. That's what I like alang wi' ma
:20:50. > :20:56.beer. Three lagers, please, and the crisps.
:20:56. > :20:59.Take a seat, Dad. Aye. Beer, Victor, are you sure? I could get you a wee
:20:59. > :21:08.lemon tea or a hot chocolate, seein' as you're no' well.
:21:08. > :21:13.Have you got a toilet in here? got a terrible attack of the thirst.
:21:13. > :21:17.Lager, please. Victor's buying. Otherwise I'll go in that cludgie
:21:17. > :21:21.and start blabbering. Rat! I'll have one an' a'. You know me, I
:21:21. > :21:24.like you, but I'd stick you in it. Single malt buys my silence. Right,
:21:24. > :21:29.you bastards! Jack, do you think he's buying it?
:21:29. > :21:35.I don't know, Victor. Looks suspicious to me. Here's what I'll
:21:35. > :21:42.dae. I'll take a fall. Aye, do that, aye. Oh-h! What are you doing, you
:21:42. > :21:52.clown? He'd be better seeing you do it. Right, I will cue you to fall,
:21:52. > :21:53.
:21:53. > :22:03.right? Hold it. Hold it. That's you. Oh-h! No, false alarm. That's not
:22:03. > :22:06.
:22:06. > :22:16.him. Up you get. That's you. Eh? (Victor!) Oh-h! Oh, I've fallen! Oh,
:22:16. > :22:26.
:22:26. > :22:36.Finished? Aye. There's nothing wrong with you, is there, Dad?
:22:36. > :22:55.
:22:55. > :23:01.Hm-hm! That'll be �5.60 for your Ah, now, Doctor, give it to me
:23:01. > :23:07.straight. I can take it. I'm a man. Are they gonnae have to hack it
:23:07. > :23:17.aff? Yes. What?! You should have come to us sooner with this.
:23:17. > :23:40.
:23:40. > :23:43.There's been no circulation for far Agh! Look out! Oh, Navid! You were
:23:43. > :23:53.stauning there, waiting on it. couldnae move. I'll give that spey
:23:53. > :24:03.
:24:03. > :24:08.wife her due. She's bloody good. John! John! No, Dad, forget it.
:24:08. > :24:18.John! Nothing wrong with you now, is there, Dad? For God's sake, hold
:24:18. > :24:22.
:24:22. > :24:28.I'm very angry at you right now, Dad. I know, I know. I'm way out of
:24:28. > :24:34.line. Out of line?! I flew over here, worried sick. For what? For
:24:35. > :24:38.nothing. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you. I know, I know.
:24:38. > :24:45.you no' think I've better things to do than coming here for a joke, for
:24:45. > :24:52.a prank? Listen, son... I'm busy. I'm at a very important part of my
:24:52. > :25:02.career right now. I'm sorry. Oh, it's a bad way to behave. I've been
:25:02. > :25:11.stupid. I'm a silly old bastard! But you, you never bloody phone!
:25:11. > :25:15.I'm on my own here. Apart from Jack, I've naebody. Did you know that
:25:15. > :25:25.Jack took me with him to Canada a few weeks back? Canada?! See, you
:25:25. > :25:35.didn't even know that, did you? No. Did it ever occur to you that I
:25:35. > :25:41.
:25:41. > :25:48.might be missing you? I mean, all this... I'm sorry. I'm missing you.
:25:48. > :25:58.What like was Canada? Smashing, aye. Oh, they love their grub - full of
:25:58. > :26:07.How does this sound, eh? We'll all come over this summer, spend some
:26:07. > :26:17.time together. Aye, aye. No, no, we'll come over. I'll book it when
:26:17. > :26:18.
:26:18. > :26:23.we get back to the hoose. I mean it. I'll no' let you down. Really?
:26:23. > :26:29.You guys all right, are you? Aye, aye, we've said wur sorries, aye,
:26:29. > :26:37.Jack, aye. Aye, we're good. In't that right, John? Brand new, Dad.
:26:37. > :26:43.Glad to hear it. Jack! Your pipe! Aye, I know. Well, there's a hell
:26:43. > :26:49.of a lot going on, you know. John's coming over in the summer
:26:49. > :26:54.with the family. Are you? I am indeed. That'll be smashing. JOHN
:26:54. > :26:57.CHUCKLES What are you laughing at? I cannae wait to see their faces
:26:57. > :27:01.when I tell them they're not going to Disneyworld, they're going to
:27:01. > :27:06.Craiglang. Disneyworld! council's just repainted all the
:27:06. > :27:16.swings in the park. I'll buy a new ball out of Navid's. New Greggs
:27:16. > :27:48.
:27:48. > :27:58.open in the High Street. So JUN busted you write their?
:27:58. > :27:58.
:27:58. > :28:08.It is a shame, I am sorry I missed that. The way that I see it, I have
:28:08. > :28:10.
:28:10. > :28:18.been lucky. I was doing FF80 a day, not messing about. You never think
:28:19. > :28:28.said you are lighting up that they will one day lead -- take a limp
:28:28. > :28:35.off you. Jack is better.
:28:36. > :28:45.The guide the end of the war... Wants to buy my slippers of May.
:28:46. > :28:52.