0:00:35 > 0:00:39That's smashin', Davie. That'll do me here. I'll just get my messages.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41No, no, no, Isa!
0:00:41 > 0:00:44I'll get your bags. That's what I'm here fur.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46That's awfy guid of ye, son!
0:00:47 > 0:00:52Mary, see ye at the bingo and say hello tae Mamie fur me!
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Janice, keep well, hen! Dougie!
0:00:59 > 0:01:03Hello, youse two. Say hello tae ma handsome helper.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06- This is Davie. Davie, this is Jack, Victor.- Hello.- How do!
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Davie drives the Dial-A-Bus.
0:01:09 > 0:01:13- Aye, I've seen it floatin' about. - So, can anybody use that, Davie?
0:01:13 > 0:01:16Well, it's supposed to be for the infirm just.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19But if I'm passing and I see somebody needs a lift, I just stop.
0:01:19 > 0:01:23- So if ye saw us struggling' wi' shopping or that...?- Aye.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Or struggling wi' bein' pished?
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Where are ye gaun?
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Eh, Clansman. Know where that is?
0:01:29 > 0:01:32Aye. Fraser street. I pass by it all the time.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35- Aye, so ye dae.- Aye.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Oh, aye, on ye get!
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Aye, smashing.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Here ye are Isa, pet.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Want me to drop ye at the bingo tomorrow?
0:01:49 > 0:01:50Aye. 11.30?
0:01:50 > 0:01:52I'll be there.
0:02:00 > 0:02:04- Lovely woman, Isa. - Aye, if yer stone deaf.- Sorry?
0:02:04 > 0:02:07- Nuthin'. Clansman.- Clansman, aye.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14We've won a watch here.
0:02:14 > 0:02:18- Oh, aye.- Think about it, Jack, if we jumped a taxi, we'd be what...?
0:02:18 > 0:02:23- £2.40? £2.60? £2.80, if they go through the scheme as they often do!- Aye.
0:02:23 > 0:02:2620 pence tip, yer up at three quid.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28But this...
0:02:29 > 0:02:30This is a gift!
0:02:30 > 0:02:35Might be him that's drivin', but it's us that's takin' the silly bastard for a ride!
0:02:35 > 0:02:40- That's a bit harsh, is it no'? - I'm only kidding. We'll slip him a quid or something.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Here we go.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53- Here, Davie, take this... - Away ye go. Come on.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Oh, all right.
0:02:55 > 0:03:00You're some man, Davie. If ever we see you in the Clansman, we'll get ye a pint.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02I'll maybe take ye up on that!
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Aye. Every Tuesday for...I dunno.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Eight weeks or so?
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Aye, that's great, ideal.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Smashin'.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17OK. Thank YOU.
0:03:20 > 0:03:26- Ho-ho! It's the Two Ronnies. - We're the Two Ronnies noo. Well, it's shut up ya prick from me...
0:03:26 > 0:03:28And it's shut up ya prick from him!
0:03:28 > 0:03:30LAUGHTER
0:03:30 > 0:03:31Two lager.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35- Make it three.- Hello, Winston.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Oh!
0:03:37 > 0:03:40- Should youse two no' be sittin' doon?- Eh?
0:03:40 > 0:03:43- I'm just sayin'...- Shut up. We heard ye. What ye sayin'?
0:03:43 > 0:03:48I'm talkin' to the two old pensioners that just got aff the Dial-A-Bus!
0:03:48 > 0:03:50What of it? If we got a taxi...
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Ye'd step oot a taxi wi' yer dignity intact.
0:03:53 > 0:03:57But the Dial-A-Bus is for decrepit auld dafties!
0:03:57 > 0:04:00- No, it isnae. That's plenty. - Winston's right, Victor.
0:04:00 > 0:04:04Have you looked at the faces on that bus? Nothin' going on but the rent.
0:04:04 > 0:04:09"Oh, we're on the Dial-A-Bus! We're on the Dial-A-Bus! Ho-ho-ho!"
0:04:09 > 0:04:11See if you look above the driver? There's a destination.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13It says "crematorium"!
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Shut up! It's a bus like any other bloody bus!
0:04:16 > 0:04:22No, it isn't. It's a nicely-painted coffin on wheels. That's yer first step to getting planted!
0:04:22 > 0:04:26- Say what you like. It's a service. - There's always a service before the funeral!
0:04:26 > 0:04:28You should take a leaf out of my book.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Get some exercise.
0:04:30 > 0:04:31Get a bike.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Is that yours, eh?
0:04:36 > 0:04:39Aye. Halfords. Ten speed.
0:04:39 > 0:04:40I'm getting fit, lads.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Gaunie cycle round the countryside.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46Brewery's sending in a temp.
0:04:46 > 0:04:50I've spent too long stuck in here festering.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Breathin' in your second-hand smoke.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Good luck tae ye.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Aye, very nice indeed.
0:04:58 > 0:05:02Only wan thing missing - a wee bell.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05Or ye should get a wee set of streamers.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Course, that bike'll no dae ye.
0:05:07 > 0:05:12- How?- Ye don't want a crossbar that goes along like that. You want one that goes doon like that.
0:05:12 > 0:05:16That way when you get off it ye'll no' hurt yer fanny.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24- Right, Navid, that's the van all gassed up.- Thanks, Tam.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31What? Why are you awkwardly lingering?
0:05:31 > 0:05:35- Am I?- Oh, aye. I've changed my mind. We're not going cash and carry the day.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Aw, Navid! That's whit I filled the van up for.
0:05:38 > 0:05:43I've been looking forward to this. Could barely sleep last night!
0:05:43 > 0:05:47What an empty, hollow, dull, miserable life you lead, Tam,
0:05:47 > 0:05:52that you could get such a boner at the thought of going to the cash and carry!
0:05:53 > 0:05:55We'll go Tuesday.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Oh, Navid. Ye've made my day.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01Ooh, the free samples!
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Ah'm coming tae get ye!
0:06:11 > 0:06:16- Saturday. Finest day of the week. - I love a Saturday. What are we daein' the day? Museum of Transport?
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Aye, we enjoy the transport museum.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22- Or I've got a couple of books needing taken back to the library. - I'm due a new book.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26- I'm needin a battery for this watch. We could hit the high street. - Aye, Aye.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30- Oh, fitba match. Oh, the match! - We've no' done that for a while.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33- Get a pint?- Aye, pint. C'mon!
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Och, is that the rain?
0:06:35 > 0:06:39Och, it's a thought, walkin' doon to the Clansman in that.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41We could aways get that Dial-A-Bus.
0:06:41 > 0:06:45Naw. Let's not start getting intae that. Shanks's pony, that's what keeps us fit!
0:06:45 > 0:06:49- Aye. Got tae keep walkin'.- We're auld, but we're no' that auld!
0:06:49 > 0:06:52We're a far cry from getting lifted and laid in some special bus!
0:06:53 > 0:06:56- Here's the bus noo. C'mon! - Is it? Good!
0:06:58 > 0:07:02Doesnae matter what they say, ye cannot beat a freebie!
0:07:02 > 0:07:07- Too right. But we'll make for our money, as if we're gaunie pay. - Aye, good yin.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13- Oh, where's Davie? - He's aff. Are youse getting oan?
0:07:13 > 0:07:16- Day aff, is it? - No. He's aff wi' depression.
0:07:16 > 0:07:20I cannae imagine what he's got to be depressed about.
0:07:20 > 0:07:24- Aye.- Are youse getting on? - How much is it to the Clansman?
0:07:24 > 0:07:27£1.05 each. 50 pence if youse have got cairds.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Huv youse got cairds?
0:07:29 > 0:07:32I've left mine on the sideboard...
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Victor, where've you left yours?
0:07:34 > 0:07:36I've left mine on the sideboard also.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38That's a shame. £1.05 each.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40You've got tae have yer cairds on ye.
0:07:41 > 0:07:46Aye, it'd be the end of the bastarding world, wouldn't it, if ye let us on, eh?
0:07:52 > 0:07:54So where ye headin'?
0:07:54 > 0:07:58Gaunie go as far past Loch Lomond as I can. See how I go.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00- Anythin' else you need to know? - No, no. No worries.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03Good, cos it'll no' be that busy. Never is on a Tuesday.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05But listen, see the regulars?
0:08:05 > 0:08:09They can be sarcastic bastards, so don't take any pish aff them.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11I never dae.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Hello, Bobby Boy.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15You look like a prize wanker.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Where are ye, ya bastard?
0:08:24 > 0:08:25Ah, bingo!
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Ooh!
0:08:44 > 0:08:46- What's this, ma darlin'? - Nut Nuggies.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Nut Nuggies?
0:08:49 > 0:08:50I'll try one of them.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Oh...peanut butter, is it?
0:08:54 > 0:08:58- Yes. Wrapped in chocolate with almond flakes.- Oh...
0:08:58 > 0:08:59Smashin'.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02I own a chain of grocery stores, you see.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06I do a lot of buying...sampling.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10- Could I...?- Of course!
0:09:10 > 0:09:11That's smashing.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16BIRDS ARE SINGING
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Thanks, cheers.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29HE WHISTLES TUNELESSLY
0:09:45 > 0:09:46Hello?
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Hello, son.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52- You the temp frae the brewery?- Yes. I'm Matt.- Good. I'm Harvey Gallagher.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54I'm the owner.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57I thought Bobby was the owner.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Boaby telt ye that, did he?
0:09:59 > 0:10:01No, Boaby WISHES he was the owner.
0:10:01 > 0:10:06Nae offence, son, I've caught him saying that before, tryin' tae get his hole aff the lassies.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11- I'm the owner. Boaby's ma manager. See?- Right.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Boaby the owner!
0:10:14 > 0:10:18See when I get a haud of him, he's gaunie get chased aff that bike.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21- Oh, thanks for that lift the other night, Eric.- Lift?
0:10:21 > 0:10:26- Aye. Lift. Ye know?- Oh aye, lift!
0:10:26 > 0:10:27Gie Eric a hauf, will ye, son?
0:10:33 > 0:10:36Mmm. They're very moreish.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39I don't know what my customers would make of them.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42D'ye think I could...?
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Sadie! The godmother tae ma son!
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Put yer purse away, hen, yer money's nae good here.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56You'll find a lot of people in here generally drink for free.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59I just don't know how I turn a profit!
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Take a drink, Matt.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03- I don't really like to...- Pish!
0:11:03 > 0:11:07- We always have a good drink on a Tuesday. That right, Eric?- Aye!
0:11:08 > 0:11:12Gie Jack and Victor a phone. Tell 'em tae get doon here...
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Ye'll like Jack and Victor. Good pals of mine.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17They like a drink, tae. They saved my life one time!
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Aye, pulled me oot the canal.
0:11:19 > 0:11:20And...
0:11:22 > 0:11:26..I'll also be getting rid of my stack of hard-core porny books.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29I've read them all noo anyway and...
0:11:29 > 0:11:32I'm getting too old for the chugging.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Sweet mother of God!
0:11:41 > 0:11:45I'm really glad you came to help, Tam. Ya greedy bastard.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47How many did you eat?
0:11:47 > 0:11:4920? 25?
0:11:51 > 0:11:54I don't remember pulling Winston out any canal, do you?
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Naw.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58You'd remember a thing like that.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01Mind you, I like the sound of the free drink.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04Where's this bus?
0:12:04 > 0:12:07That's us Dial-A-Bus junkies noo. It's only spittin'.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10To be fair, Jack, we've walked all the way from the lift.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14- Aye, that's plenty.- Hello, youse two.- Jesus, Isa!
0:12:14 > 0:12:15Where are youse two off tae?
0:12:15 > 0:12:17We're goin' for a pint.
0:12:17 > 0:12:18Oh, here we go.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Oh, Davie! I thought you were aff.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31- I was, but I'm back noo. - Depression, wasn't it?- Aye.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Ma boy Colin had that. Terrible thing.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36S.A.D. they called it. Cos of the lack of daylight.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40- Turns oot aw we had tae dae was buy him a big lamp...- Isa! Get oan!
0:12:41 > 0:12:43- How ye daein', son?- Fine.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45- That's £3.15- Eh?
0:12:45 > 0:12:49That's £2.10 for youse and £1.05 for...her.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07I don't think that fella should be back at his work.
0:13:07 > 0:13:12- It's no' like him. He never charges me.- He didnae charge you, he charged us!
0:13:12 > 0:13:15He's normally gabby.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18Gab, gab, gab. Ye cannae shut him up!
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Aye, it's great i'n't it?
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Pick me up. Drop me.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26Pick me up! Drop me.
0:13:28 > 0:13:29Fancy a donut, boys?
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Aye, ah will.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38ENGINE REVS
0:13:42 > 0:13:44- Awright there, Davie?- Awright?
0:13:44 > 0:13:47I'm better than awright, thanks for askin'.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50I'm Jim-dandy. Brand new.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Happy to be driving. Mr Dial-A-Bus!
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Will you take a donut, Davie?
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Donut?
0:13:58 > 0:14:01No, thanks very much, pleasure for asking, but no.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03NO THANK YOU!
0:14:04 > 0:14:08Um, Davie, you should've took a left there for the Clansman, son.
0:14:08 > 0:14:12Left is it? Is it left? C'mere and I'll show ye a left.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15TYRES SCREECH
0:14:20 > 0:14:21Hello.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Hello. What can I get for you today?
0:14:24 > 0:14:26I'll have a pint of lager, please.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29Lisa, a pint of lager for our guest, please.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34- A bit of cycling?- Aye. Got a new bike.
0:14:34 > 0:14:39Must say, never even knew there was a pub here. It's very nice.
0:14:39 > 0:14:43Thanks. Aye, we get a lovely mix of customers.
0:14:43 > 0:14:48People passing by like yerself and a healthy band of regulars.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Here's a couple now.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Ho-ho! It's the Two Ronnies!
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Ye've got us there. Two Ronnies. That's a belter, eh?
0:14:57 > 0:14:59We've nae comeback tae that.
0:14:59 > 0:15:03Every time we come in here, ye've got a new one!
0:15:03 > 0:15:05That's us put in wur place!
0:15:05 > 0:15:07- Two lager, please.- Two lager, Lisa.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10What is it you do, yourself?
0:15:12 > 0:15:14I'm a lawyer.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Davie. Whit you daein'? Where are we gaun?
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Never you mind where I'm gaun!
0:15:19 > 0:15:21It's a magical mystery tour!
0:15:21 > 0:15:23# Come o-o-on...
0:15:23 > 0:15:26# The magical mystery tour
0:15:26 > 0:15:29# Is coming to take you away
0:15:29 > 0:15:33# Coming to take you away, toda-a-ay! #
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Maybe he's just takin' us somewhere nice for a wee change.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39Aye, or maybe he's as crazy as a shithoose rat!
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Look in the mirror. It's aw in the eyes there.
0:15:44 > 0:15:49Davie, are ye taking us away somewhere nice for a change?
0:15:49 > 0:15:51John, Paul, George, Ringo!
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Two down, two to go!
0:15:53 > 0:15:54Okey-dokey then.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57That's it. We're in trouble.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Thomas the Tank Engine, Thomas the Tank Engine.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04Idiot! That's me! Thomas the Tank Engine!
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Look at him! Look at those eyes!
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Oh, they're yellow eyes, them!
0:16:08 > 0:16:11He's got custard eyes! # Custard eyes! #
0:16:11 > 0:16:13One custard eye!
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Haw! Sammy Davis! Pay the puppeteer the money!
0:16:16 > 0:16:18He's earned it!
0:16:19 > 0:16:21That was ma stop! That's the bingo there.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23He's away past ma stop!
0:16:23 > 0:16:26Listen, ye halfwit! We've been kidnapped! Hijacked!
0:16:26 > 0:16:30I canny be hijacked the day. I've got the bingo!
0:16:30 > 0:16:34Eyes down. Six cards. Gotta keep ahead of the caller! Bingo!
0:16:34 > 0:16:38I don't think ye're gaunie make the bingo the day, son. C'mere.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Davie's gone off his nut. We're gaunie have tae overpower him.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46Aye, overpower him, good idea. He's no' gaunie stop.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49That's right. We've got to get control of the bus!
0:16:49 > 0:16:52- Need to get to a cop station.- Aye.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54- Good luck, Jack.- Thanks.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57- Good luck for what? - You used to box!
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Aye, years ago when I was a boy!
0:16:59 > 0:17:02- Bloody amateur!- On ye go!
0:17:02 > 0:17:06Right, I'll go and box his ears for him while you sit back here wi' yer thumbs up yer arses!
0:17:06 > 0:17:09We've got to go thegither. Strength in numbers.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Like the Raid On Entebbe. Attack him.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16Overpower him. Surprise him. The mistake they made that day...
0:17:16 > 0:17:18That's plenty.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21We've got tae sneak up thegither.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Isa, have you got anything heavy in yer bag?
0:17:23 > 0:17:26Aye, I've got an electricity bill.
0:17:26 > 0:17:27That was £140!
0:17:27 > 0:17:28Tae hit 'em wi!
0:17:28 > 0:17:31- Naw.- Right. It's back to the mitts, then.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34Stay low. Keep out of his line of sight.
0:17:34 > 0:17:39- Get yer haun o'er his mooth like the SAS. Then we'll jump him!- Good luck!
0:17:39 > 0:17:44- What ye bloody grinning aboot?- I just cannae wait tae tell everybody!
0:17:47 > 0:17:47No!
0:17:51 > 0:17:52No!
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Right, noo!
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Not tonight, Josephine! TYRES SCREECH
0:18:07 > 0:18:10Oh, I'm feeling much better, Navid.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Glad to hear it.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Can I have a Curly Wurly?
0:18:14 > 0:18:16- Can you buggery!- C'mon. I'm hungry.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Shut up, you greedy dick. You've just puked your lungs up.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29There's Tam and Navid!
0:18:30 > 0:18:34- What'll we dae? - Write something on the windae! - Isa, gimme yer lippy.
0:18:34 > 0:18:35What'll we write?
0:18:37 > 0:18:41- "Help Us"? - Ye've to write backwards.- Aye!
0:18:41 > 0:18:44So "Us" goes before "Help".
0:18:45 > 0:18:49- Does it?- Aye and the "S" is backwards.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03What does "shlep" mean?
0:19:03 > 0:19:07It is to move doggedly. Run about like a lapdog.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09Like a crappy servant. You.
0:19:11 > 0:19:15Away ya go, ya cheeky bastards!
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Get that paper, Jack! Let them see "Alert"!
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Good!
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Hearts 1, Aberdeen 0.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Other way, ya haufwit!
0:19:30 > 0:19:32Right, OK.
0:19:35 > 0:19:36"Alert"?
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Alert? They're in trouble, Tam.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Pull in behind them and we'll follow them for a minute.
0:19:52 > 0:19:56- Winston!- Ah, Eric. Some day, eh?
0:19:56 > 0:20:00- It's like bein' gied the keys tae the candy store.- Ah know.
0:20:00 > 0:20:01But Boaby's gaunie go aff his nut!
0:20:01 > 0:20:05Don't you worry aboot Boaby. You leave Boaby tae me.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07- It's Jack and Victor I'm mair worried aboot.- How?
0:20:07 > 0:20:13That was an hour ago I telt them to get their arses down here for some free drink. Still no' showed up.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15That's no' like them.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Here, maybe their Dial-A-Bus has got a flat tyre.
0:20:18 > 0:20:22Are ye sure ye know what you're doin' here, Winston?
0:20:22 > 0:20:25Listen, Boaby's no' back in here tae the morra.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27Even if that boy was tae say, "The boss was in."
0:20:27 > 0:20:29"What boss?" "Harvey Gallagher."
0:20:29 > 0:20:35Boaby would spend a week chasing his tail looking for someone that doesnae exist.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Besides, it's hardly the crime of the century.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41A couple of free drinks for a couple of friends.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44# Well, now go! Walk out the door!
0:20:44 > 0:20:49# Just turn around now, cos you're not welcome any more
0:20:49 > 0:20:53# Aren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbyes?
0:20:53 > 0:20:56# But I'll survive I will survive... #
0:21:03 > 0:21:05- Why are they stopping?- Don't know.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07ENGINE REVS
0:21:08 > 0:21:11- Oh, shit!- Oh, no!
0:21:11 > 0:21:13REVERSING TONE BEEPS
0:21:29 > 0:21:31The stock!
0:21:31 > 0:21:33My stock!
0:21:35 > 0:21:42No-o-o-o-o-o!
0:21:42 > 0:21:44BIRDSONG
0:21:45 > 0:21:46ENGINE ROARS
0:21:48 > 0:21:50# No need to stop for gas
0:21:50 > 0:21:52# I'm all gassed up
0:21:52 > 0:21:54# I am the gasman. Nee-noo!
0:21:54 > 0:21:56# I am the gasman. #
0:21:56 > 0:22:00The gasman cometh! See gas? I am the gastronaut!
0:22:00 > 0:22:01I'll take you to the moon.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04# Pack yer bags, we'll be home soon! #
0:22:04 > 0:22:07No going back! I'll never go back, they will not take me, no!
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Don't look back, shouldn't look back!
0:22:09 > 0:22:12No need to look back. No need for you!
0:22:12 > 0:22:13CACKLES MANICALLY
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Well, at least he's calming doon a bit, eh?
0:22:18 > 0:22:22Oh my God. Where the hell are we?
0:22:22 > 0:22:25Cannae see for sure, Isa. Think we're aboot haufway up shit street.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28I've got an idea.
0:22:28 > 0:22:29Isa, you're a wummin, right?
0:22:29 > 0:22:34- Aye.- This is what tae dae. Go up to him while he's driving and come over all wumminy.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Sexy. Turn him oan.
0:22:36 > 0:22:37- Turn him oan?- Get him goin'.
0:22:37 > 0:22:42Just say, "Look, Davie, why don't we pull in somewhere quiet and we can have some nooky!
0:22:42 > 0:22:46- "You can see ma diddees!" - That's shite.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Got tae go in heavier than that.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Offer him one of them, eh... What d'ye call them?
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Blow jobbies.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56It's a gobble ye call that.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59- You got a better idea? - Here, oot ma way!
0:23:16 > 0:23:19Please remain seated while the bus is in motion!
0:23:19 > 0:23:23Motion, motion, calamine lotion!
0:23:23 > 0:23:24Hello, Davie.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27Ye big handsome thing, ye!
0:23:27 > 0:23:34I was wondering... if ye'd like to pull in and get a cup of tea somewhere.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Mibbe a sco-o-o-ne...
0:23:38 > 0:23:40or a sausage roll...
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Sexy! But no!
0:23:43 > 0:23:46But I need a pish!
0:23:46 > 0:23:47We could stop.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51I could pish and you could...
0:23:52 > 0:23:54..watch me.
0:23:59 > 0:24:00Oh!
0:24:08 > 0:24:09Oh, Jeez-o!
0:24:16 > 0:24:18Isa! Shut the doors!
0:24:22 > 0:24:25Open the door, eh?
0:24:25 > 0:24:26No way, ya crackpot!
0:24:26 > 0:24:32I dunno what happened back there but I'm sorry. I'm fine now.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Yer arse, ya doolally bastard!
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Can we at least talk about this? Sit down and talk?
0:24:37 > 0:24:39I saw a pub back there.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50- There ye are.- Ta.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Feelin' a bit better?
0:24:54 > 0:25:00Aye, thanks. Eh...I just shouldnae huv come back to ma work so soon.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Ma maw's not been well.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06I've been driving the bus, then going up to hers every night.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Cook her a wee meal,
0:25:08 > 0:25:10but she'll no touch it.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12The only thing she wants is...
0:25:12 > 0:25:14donuts.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Got to be from Gregg's.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19She's like a wee parrot!
0:25:19 > 0:25:23"Where's ma donuts? Where's ma donuts, ya lazy bastard!"
0:25:23 > 0:25:28I didnae realise the toll it was taking on me.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30That's all very well, but...
0:25:30 > 0:25:32we were all terrified!
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Aye, I'm really sorry.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Gaunie call the cops?
0:25:42 > 0:25:45I suppose everyone's entitled to one mistake.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47But listen, Davie,
0:25:47 > 0:25:52you get back and have a rest. You'll feel better after a wee break.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Aye, I'm sure I will.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57Nice shop this, eh, Boaby?
0:25:57 > 0:26:00Aye. If ye like that sort of thing.
0:26:04 > 0:26:08# I did it my way... #
0:26:08 > 0:26:09Some chanter, Eric!
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Some chanter!
0:26:11 > 0:26:15# Regrets, I've had a few
0:26:16 > 0:26:21# but then again, too few to mention...
0:26:23 > 0:26:28# I did what I had to do-o-o-o-oo... #
0:26:38 > 0:26:39Sure yer gaunie be all right?
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Fine thanks, Isa. I'll just get this back to the depot.
0:26:42 > 0:26:47Get a few hours' sleep. Hopefully see ye in a week or two, eh?
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Go, go, go! Drive! Drive!
0:26:49 > 0:26:50Where?
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Anywhere, ya donut!
0:26:52 > 0:26:53Donut?
0:26:55 > 0:26:56Donut!
0:26:56 > 0:26:58HE REVS ENGINE
0:26:58 > 0:27:01# The magical mystery tour
0:27:01 > 0:27:04# is coming to take you away
0:27:04 > 0:27:06# to-da-a-a-ay! #
0:27:34 > 0:27:36HE SNIFFS
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Bubbalicious. 25p.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42HE SNIFFS AGAIN
0:27:42 > 0:27:43Snickers. 40p.
0:27:46 > 0:27:47Hmmm...
0:27:49 > 0:27:53I don't even have to smell your breath. Cheesy Wotsits. 25p.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59Sorry about this, Mr Harrid.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02These things happen. Kids will be kids.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06HE SNIFFS
0:28:06 > 0:28:08You dirty bastard.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11Poppets. 30 pence.