0:00:05 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37ISA HUMS
0:00:40 > 0:00:42- Hello, Victor.- Isa.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Let me guess...Tuesday lunchtime.
0:00:44 > 0:00:48Now ye've done yer shopping on Monday, all yer tins and whatnot...
0:00:48 > 0:00:54So I'm reasoning that what's in that pot is half a tin of Heinz's tomato soup.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58There ye are. Ye happy?
0:00:58 > 0:01:02- Now piss aff, Mrs Poirot.- Charmin'.
0:01:02 > 0:01:03Let us in.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Is that you getting the third degree, aye?
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Aye. She's always there.
0:01:11 > 0:01:15- Ye cannae get past her.- She's like a bastardin' Hare Krishna.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18You should've took the lid aff and threw the soup at her.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20It's no' hot enough.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22It's a bona fide scalding she's needin'. Nosy cow.
0:01:22 > 0:01:26Seriously, but. How many times out of ten is it that you get
0:01:26 > 0:01:31- across that landing withoot her interferin' in yer bloody business? - Oot of ten? Two.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Three maybe.
0:01:34 > 0:01:39- Right, Jack. What garbage are we watching the day?- Trisha.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41That fella there, brought up by his sister,
0:01:41 > 0:01:45turns oot it's the mother - and he's had a ride at her intae the bargain.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47- It's a mess. - Boy meets maw. Boy shags maw.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Boy loses maw. I love a simple tale.
0:01:50 > 0:01:55It's either that or the wee fat lassie that sells you the hooses in Spain, you know?
0:01:56 > 0:01:59Ooh!
0:01:59 > 0:02:01What's that, Jack?
0:02:01 > 0:02:04- Here, Victor, don't touch that. That's a thingummy.- A what?
0:02:04 > 0:02:08Eh, a remote control for the...the dish. The Sky thing.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10When did ye get Sky?
0:02:10 > 0:02:14Eh, a couple of days ago. Ma Fiona got it for me. She's paying for it.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17I said no but she insisted. Ach, it's got millions of buttons on it.
0:02:17 > 0:02:23Jesus, Jack. You've got aboot 150 channels and yer makin' us watch a bunch of in-bred bastards fighting?
0:02:23 > 0:02:27- You'll just end up running up a bill.- No, it disnae work that way.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Big Arthur's got this.
0:02:29 > 0:02:33It's a package ye get. One payment and ye watch what ye like.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37Aye, Fiona said that right enough. Ach, I'm no' bothered.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Well, get bothered wi' it, Jack.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42This is the bollocks!
0:02:42 > 0:02:45Menu. Aye, ye've got the lot here.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49- Will ye just leave it? ..What is that?- White Heat.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51White Heat? That's no' supposed to be on the day.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54It's no'. But it's on yer Sky.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Try another one.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Oh! That's The High Chaparral!
0:02:59 > 0:03:04- Christ, that's no' been on for years! Leave it there.- Naw.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Oh, Steve Irwin! The Crocodile Hunter.
0:03:07 > 0:03:11Ye've got wildlife 24 hours a day!
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Aye... That's smashin'.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Ya jammy bastard! I'm moving in!
0:03:18 > 0:03:22What's this? UK Gold.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Oh, that's an old Trisha.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26I've seen this one.
0:03:26 > 0:03:32That boy there gets his cock bit aff by a Rottweiler, but the owners are refusin' to have the dug destroyed.
0:03:32 > 0:03:37Jeezo. That boy there's sittin there wi' nae cock?
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Dae ye want tae watch this?
0:03:39 > 0:03:40Aye.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Bloody shaggin' his maw.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49DOORBELL RINGS
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Margaret. And Thomas.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00- Come in.- Thanks, Dad.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03It's bloody freezing in here.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06How have you no' got yer fire on?
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Feelin' it cold, are ye?
0:04:08 > 0:04:12- I'm roasting.- Are ye? - Naw, I'm actually freezin'.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15But if I tell myself I'm roasting it's no' so bad.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Right, what's all this aboot?
0:04:17 > 0:04:19What's it always aboot? Him.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23- What now, ya wee arsehole?- Nothing. - Drinkin', parties, smoking dope.
0:04:23 > 0:04:28We warned him. If he didnae wrap it, he wasnae going to Blackpool wi' us.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Seven o'clock he came in this morning.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33That's it. We go in the morning and he's no' coming.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36So there's a spare seat? I'll come to Blackpool wi' you.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38You stay here son. Knock yersel' oot. Cheerie-bye.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Dad. We need you to look after him.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44No way. You can stick that right up yer arse, Margaret.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47I've done all that already that wi' you and Brian.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49I'm in my twilight years.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53Enjoying myself. I could dae without looking after that cheeky monkey.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Dad. It's no' just that.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06Gary and I need this break. We're no' getting on.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Well, how long are ye away for?
0:05:08 > 0:05:12- Just a week.- A week?! What am I meant to do wi' him for a week?
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Take him to the bloody zoo?
0:05:14 > 0:05:18I want ye to keep on top of him. Keep an eye on him. Please.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21- Right, fine. But I'm the boss.- Aye.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24- What I say goes.- Of course.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Right, well, you better get away and dae yer packin'.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Oh, thanks, Dad.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38You must be right chuffed wi' yersel. Daein yersel' oot a holiday.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40I'm no botherin'.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Aye. Lassies, shaggin'.
0:05:43 > 0:05:44Pubs. Blackpool's shite, intit?
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Right, spare room's through there.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Away and dump yer stuff.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Let's lay the ground rules straight away.
0:05:53 > 0:05:59This is my house and as such, the rules laid doon in my house should be obeyed at all times.
0:05:59 > 0:06:06Any breach of said rules will result in a swift kick in the tadger and your mum and dad will be grassed to.
0:06:06 > 0:06:07You'll find me hard but fair.
0:06:07 > 0:06:12If you keep yer heid doon and yer nose clean, we'll get along just fine. But know this -
0:06:12 > 0:06:14I run a tight ship.
0:06:14 > 0:06:15Not a shite tip.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19And you'll be expected to muck in.
0:06:19 > 0:06:25You're a black sheep, Thomas. But if you play yer cards right, you could be a graceful swan.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30A boot camp. That's how it's gonnae be, son.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Do you the world of good.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35BURR-RRP!
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Victor, c'mon! Enough's enough.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Just gimme 20 more minutes, Jack boy.
0:06:50 > 0:06:54This Arctic wolf hasnae had a meal in eight weeks
0:06:54 > 0:06:56and it's about to catch a rabbit.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58A rabbit, eh?
0:06:58 > 0:07:03- Well, hop intae yer ain hoose, cos I'm bloody knackered.- Ah, what?
0:07:03 > 0:07:05We've been watching it all day.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Enough's enough. That's plenty!
0:07:07 > 0:07:10What are ye daein goin' tae yer bed at this time?
0:07:10 > 0:07:14I always go tae ma bed at half ten. You're the late bedder, I like tae go tae bed early.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Makes me perky in the morning.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19Aye well, fair do's.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23Fair enough, Jack. You get to yer bed and I'll just guess the end of ma programme.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Aye well, I'm sorry and all that, but you know...
0:07:26 > 0:07:27No, you're quite right.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30I'm being a leech.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Takin' liberties.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34You've got Sky an' I've no'.
0:07:34 > 0:07:35I'll let mysel oot.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Aye, good.
0:07:37 > 0:07:38Night!
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Night!
0:07:46 > 0:07:51- Get oot ma hoose, ya arsehole! - I'm gaun, I'm gaun! Sorry.
0:07:53 > 0:07:58- Shug. Isa.- There's Shug tae see ye. - Aye, I can see that, Isa.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00And he's got his toolbag wi' him.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04That's because I asked him to bring it wi' him, Isa. ..Come on in, Shug.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10- Ooh, it's a bastard, intit, Isa? - What's a bastard? - The mystery, the toolbag.
0:08:10 > 0:08:15Ooh, what is Shug doing up at Jack's wi' a toolbag?
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Wooooh!
0:08:32 > 0:08:35Right. What is it yer trying tae dae here?
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Well, Victor's maintaining that if we run a wire fae that satellite box
0:08:38 > 0:08:43- to his television, through that wall there, he'll get cable as well. Would that work?- Aye.
0:08:43 > 0:08:49- Magic!- Aye, but you'd have to watch what Jack was watchin' because ye've only got the one signal.
0:08:49 > 0:08:53And if he changed his channel, it would change yours.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Ach, right enough. That's shite.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57How's it shite?
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Cos that's all you watch, intit? Shite.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02- Shite! All YOU watch is shite.- I prefer ma ain shite to your shite!
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Are you wantin' this bloody cable or not?
0:09:05 > 0:09:06Aye, Jack, but I mean...
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Picture the scene, you know?
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Jaws, the last five minutes.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12I'm on the edge of ma seat in ma ain hoose. Gripped.
0:09:12 > 0:09:16The shark's bearing down on the chief of police. He's got one bullet left.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18One last chance to kill it.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21He looks down the barrel, he cocks the gun...
0:09:23 > 0:09:25- Boof.- Boof?
0:09:25 > 0:09:29- What happens? - I don't know, Jack. I'll never know.
0:09:29 > 0:09:33Cos you've turned it over tae QVC!
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Let me make one thing perfectly clear, Victor.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38I am the principal viewer.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41I have the remote. I am in control.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43That thing there is at my behest.
0:09:43 > 0:09:48You, however - you are the secondary viewer, of lower importance, if you will.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50If you don't like that...
0:09:50 > 0:09:54I don't like it. I'll tell you what, Shug - gie Jack the cable.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57- Jack, roll it up and stick it up yer arse!- Oh, behave yersels.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Yer like a pair of bloody weans!
0:09:59 > 0:10:04Look, why don't I put a hatch through there?
0:10:04 > 0:10:08- What fur?- Well, that way you'll be able to talk to each other.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Rationally. Co-ordinate yer viewing.
0:10:11 > 0:10:18Victor, if you want Jack to change the channels, you just have to step up to the hatch...
0:10:18 > 0:10:21- and ask.- Oooh! That sounds good.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24We could buy one paper. I could pass it to ye.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Could take turns at makin' tea and sandwiches and that.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30I could pass ye soup through the hatch.
0:10:30 > 0:10:35I wouldnae meet Isa on the landing! We could communicate without leaving the hoose!
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Shug, gies a hatch. A nice wee hatch.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49- No bad, eh?- Aye, it's a good thing.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53- A smashing thing. - Eh, dae ye think it's a bit big?
0:10:53 > 0:10:54Er... Naw.
0:10:54 > 0:10:59Just didnae realise the bricks were gonnae come away so easy.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05Aye, it's better tae huv a door. Gies ye mair options.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11Right, Lazarus. Get up, ya lazy bastard. Oot yer wankin' chariot.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14- What time's it?- 6.45am.
0:11:14 > 0:11:19- There's captains of industry have closed world-breakin' deals by this time in the morning.- I'm knackered!
0:11:19 > 0:11:23- Come on, another half hour.- Listen, son. A boy your age should be up and aboot.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26Not wastin' the day away. There's things to be done!
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Oh, aye? What are you daeing?
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Never you mind what I'm daeing the day. I'm an old man!
0:11:31 > 0:11:33See this big fat beer belly?
0:11:33 > 0:11:36I've earned it. I'm a pensioner.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38I've got every right tae loaf aboot.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41You've no'. A boy should be up, and seize the day!
0:11:41 > 0:11:45Get yersel busy - get a job!
0:11:45 > 0:11:48Mornin' hen. Now, see when I was your age... JESUS!
0:11:54 > 0:11:58- Mornin', Jack!- Just hoovering up.
0:11:58 > 0:12:02- There's still a lot of dust coming off it.- Aye, that'll settle.
0:12:02 > 0:12:07- What time did you get tae yer bed last night?- Och, quarter to one.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09There was a good Bette Davis picture on last night.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11She was a right bastard in it tae.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16- Here, I was thinkin'. Ye know what we should dae?- What's that?
0:12:16 > 0:12:19We should get a pair of curtains. One on either side.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23Just in case, if for any reason the council are up here, sniffing aboot.
0:12:23 > 0:12:24That's a good call.
0:12:24 > 0:12:29- We'll pop into Kelvin House, they've nice stuff.- Aye, we'll dae that.
0:12:29 > 0:12:34- Ooh, God. - What's the matter wi' you?- I've got a boil kickin' aff on ma arse.
0:12:34 > 0:12:38Is it any bloody wonder, daein' 12 hour shifts in front of the television? You're sweating it, man!
0:12:38 > 0:12:41- Huv ye any cream?- Through by.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44Or should I say through by?
0:12:48 > 0:12:50It's the top shelf there.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55DOORBELL RINGS
0:12:59 > 0:13:03- Och, Isa.- Mornin', Jack. - What is it? - VICTOR SINGS
0:13:03 > 0:13:07Is that Victor? What's Victor daein' in your hoose at 7am?
0:13:07 > 0:13:11Eh... He came across for butter. A lend o' butter.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Where is this arse cream, Jack?
0:13:14 > 0:13:17- Second shelf! What is it you want? - Eh... I...
0:13:17 > 0:13:21It's your turn to mop the landing and I was just wondering if you wanted me tae dae it.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25Aye, that would be smashin', that would be very good of you, Isa. Mop the landing.
0:13:25 > 0:13:29- Is that it?- Aye, that's it.
0:13:29 > 0:13:30Thanking you.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37- Who was that? - Isa. Who else would it... Aah!
0:13:37 > 0:13:40- Victor, what ye daein?! - Listen, take a look at this, Jack.
0:13:40 > 0:13:41It's getting bigger.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44- Is it ready to pop?- Oof!
0:13:44 > 0:13:46That's like Krakatoa, that.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49That could blow any minute. Oof!
0:13:49 > 0:13:51That's a cracker right enough!
0:13:51 > 0:13:54- It's an absolute belter. - Gie it a squeeze.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02Aye, right. Squeeze yer ain manky boil!
0:14:07 > 0:14:12Oh Navid! Navid, wait till I tell ye! You're no' gonnae believe this.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Calm doon, Isa! Calm doon.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Breaths! Deep breaths!
0:14:18 > 0:14:21Jesus, Navid! What ye daein'?
0:14:21 > 0:14:22It's OK, Tam. I've seen this before.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24It's gossip overload. In, out.
0:14:26 > 0:14:27In...
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Out.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32- You OK now?- Aye.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35Fine noo, aye.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37OK, I'm gonnae to remove the bag slowly, OK?
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Jack and Victor are gay!
0:14:47 > 0:14:52Get that aff ma heid, Navid! I saw it wi' ma ain eyes!
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Victor stayed the night at Jack's.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58- I saw him this morning in his jim-jams!- Don't talk shite, Isa.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01- How does that make them gay? - I saw mair than that. It gets worse.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03What else did you see?
0:15:03 > 0:15:09Well, Victor was bent over, and Jack was standing behind him, daein' the dirty business.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11- You saw that?- Wi' ma ain eyes.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14As God is my witness!
0:15:14 > 0:15:16- How did you see that? - Through the letterbox.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19- Through the letterbox? - What ye daein' looking through the letterbox?
0:15:19 > 0:15:24What am I daein' looking through the letterbox?! Watchin' one old pal pumping the other!
0:15:24 > 0:15:29We know I'm a nosy bastard, but try tae concentrate on the bigger picture!
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Sounds pretty conclusive.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33Jack and Victor.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Jesus.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37- What are we gonnae dae? - What are we gonnae dae?
0:15:37 > 0:15:41It's quite simple. We lure them into the shop, bludgeon them to death,
0:15:41 > 0:15:45cut off their balls and hang them from those streetlamps as a warning.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48That kind of filth will no' be tolerated in Craiglang.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Is that what they dae in your country, Navid?
0:15:50 > 0:15:52No, you dozy cow. We live and let live.
0:15:52 > 0:15:56We certainly don't poke our bastard noses through letterboxes!
0:15:56 > 0:16:00So what? Jack and Victor are gay. Big deal. Good luck to them.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04Isa, normally I would just let you get on wi' yer gossiping.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06But this is too big.
0:16:06 > 0:16:10- How are we divvying it up? - How do ye mean?
0:16:10 > 0:16:13I want to tell the cafe, the Clansman, and the bookies.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Naw, I want the cafe, the doctors and the bingo.
0:16:17 > 0:16:21- Aye, awright.- I'll tell Meena. Meena!
0:16:26 > 0:16:31Boys will be boys. He's a bit of a wild stallion is all, but he's up against the horse whisperer here.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35That's right. Eh?
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Right, OK. Well, I'll see ye when ye get back.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40OK, bye bye.
0:16:41 > 0:16:45- Grandad!- Hello, son.- I thought you were doon at the bookies.
0:16:45 > 0:16:51I was, aye, but I hud a wee bit of a win, and I didnae want tae piss it up against the wall, so... C'mere.
0:16:52 > 0:16:56- What's that?- Eh... It's just a plant. - What sort of plant?
0:16:56 > 0:16:58It's a... A tomato plant.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00What ye wanting wi' that?
0:17:00 > 0:17:02It's a gift. For you.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05I just wanted to apologise for this morning. Wi' Tina and that.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08That's good of ye.
0:17:08 > 0:17:09So where's the tomatoes?
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Oh, they come later.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14The plant blooms first, and then they grow.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Oh right. That's smashin', that.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19I'll put that in the kitchen on the windae-sill. It'll be lovely.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Aye, apology accepted.
0:17:21 > 0:17:27- Christ, you'd never think that thing could grow tomatoes. It looks just like a weed.- Aye, a weed.
0:17:49 > 0:17:50Jack, Victor.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53- Bobby!- Gettin' curtains, are ye?
0:17:53 > 0:17:54No.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57- We're getting' curtains. - Aye, I can see that.
0:17:59 > 0:18:05Tam was, eh, in the Clansman last night, and told us that you two were both, em...
0:18:05 > 0:18:07You guys were, um... That you were...
0:18:09 > 0:18:14Which is great. So, eh, what am I saying?
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Aye, what are you saying, Bobby?
0:18:16 > 0:18:20I'm saying that the Clansman is for everybody.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Right...
0:18:22 > 0:18:27So, ye know, I just want ye both to know that when you come in,
0:18:27 > 0:18:30- you'll get served.- That's good.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32You WILL be served.
0:18:32 > 0:18:38And furthermore, you will be treated like human beings.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41- Thanks, Bobby.- Aye.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46By the way...
0:18:46 > 0:18:48I think it's great that you guys have come out.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51Aye, it's good to get oot.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Ooh! It's great!
0:19:05 > 0:19:08- What's great?- Look at me, Navid!
0:19:08 > 0:19:11I've always wanted to be a fag hag!
0:19:11 > 0:19:13What's a fag hag?
0:19:13 > 0:19:16- Is it no' one of they lassies that hang aboot...- Isa! Mop. Floor. Noo!
0:19:19 > 0:19:21What can I do for you gentlemen?
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Two ounce of Drum.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Huv ye any Savlon, Navid?
0:19:36 > 0:19:40- I've a right sore arse.- That's that wee mystery solved.- What?- Nothing.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49What in the name of Christ's goin' on here?
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Thomas! Who are these wee arseholes?
0:19:51 > 0:19:53- We're his mates.- Oh!
0:19:53 > 0:19:56All shiftless bastards together, eh?
0:19:56 > 0:20:00- Aagh, ya bastard!- What the hell are you daein' in ma kitchen?
0:20:00 > 0:20:04Burnt ma finger, cookin' cookies in yer cooker.
0:20:04 > 0:20:09- Right, get aff yer arses and sling your hook!- Cannae go yet. The cookies are still cookin' in yer cooker.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Listen, ya wee Fanny Craddock.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14I'll cook you. Get oot ma hoose!
0:20:14 > 0:20:19- And get ma good titty apron aff.- Ye probably want tae gie them another ten minutes for them to be just...
0:20:19 > 0:20:24Aw, look what ye've done! All that smoke's killed ma tomato plant!
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Right, here they come. Noo remember.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31Try and act as normal as possible.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33These guys are yer friends.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36Nothing has changed.
0:20:44 > 0:20:45Hey-ho!
0:20:56 > 0:21:00- What are yous for? - Two goldies, Bobby.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06STEREO PLAYS "Dancing Queen" by Abba
0:21:12 > 0:21:15Just setting the atmosphere.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23In't that right, guys?
0:21:46 > 0:21:50Well, I hope you lot are proud of yourselves. Huh?
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Aye, you might well stand there and say nothin', ya wee bastard.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06- Sorry.- Sorry?
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Sorry disnae even begin tae cover it!
0:22:09 > 0:22:14Your ma and da are due back in two hours, and I have to say, the report card is not looking good.
0:22:14 > 0:22:19At every turn and corner I've given you an inch and you've taken a mile!
0:22:23 > 0:22:26Och, I had two pies in here for ma dinner. Where are they?
0:22:26 > 0:22:28We ate them.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Ye ate ma dinner?!
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Bloody cookies for a grown man's dinner.
0:22:36 > 0:22:40- They're Davo's cookies, Granda'! - Well, Davo's no' here, is he?
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Oh they're smashing.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Wee glass of milk wi' them, that'll be lovely.
0:22:54 > 0:22:55Bloody queer day.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59Aye, it was.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04Bloody Isa, and the Clansman.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09- Oh my God.- What?
0:23:09 > 0:23:12We've been runnin' aboot wi' wur heids up wur arses.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15It's as plain as the nose on your face!
0:23:15 > 0:23:16Bobby's gay!
0:23:19 > 0:23:22Of course, aye! The music, dancing, aye!
0:23:22 > 0:23:24He's a... He's gay!
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Aye, he's gay.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29- Oh well, good for him, eh?- Aye.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32DOORBELL CHIMES
0:23:41 > 0:23:43- Tam.- Jack.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45I'm glad you're in.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47- This is Mick.- Awright, wee man?
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Hello, eh, Mick.
0:23:49 > 0:23:54Sorry about that carry on earlier on in the pub. It was a bit awkward for us, you know?
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Aye, aye. We just tippled there the noo.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Come in, come in.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07You'll no' have met Mick.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10No, we huvnae, no. Hello.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12He lives up the next block.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Aye, Eagle Heights.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17That's a nice clean block that, Eagle.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20We brought a few tins. Thought we could all have a wee drink.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24Oh! Satellite youse have got, eh?
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Aye, that's right, yes.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28What's that?
0:24:28 > 0:24:30That's a curtain we put up.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Is that a door through to Victor's?
0:24:34 > 0:24:38- It is, aye.- That's good. So you can just go back and forward, eh?
0:24:38 > 0:24:42Aye we can, aye.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45Oh, Jeez, is that the time? I'll need tae go.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48- Mick? - I'm fine, Tam. I don't have to go.
0:24:48 > 0:24:53OK. Well then. Cheerio.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Well...what are we daein'?
0:25:15 > 0:25:19Just eh...havin' a can of beer.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21No, I mean, are we through here or through there?
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Here?
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Is that all right?
0:25:27 > 0:25:31Aye, that's fine. We'll finish these, then we'll have a wee chug?
0:25:34 > 0:25:38MUSIC: "Jammin'" by Bob Marley
0:25:40 > 0:25:43# Jamming... Oh, I wanna jam it with you! #
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Oh here, you're back.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Did ye like that? I'm in ma jimmies -
0:25:47 > 0:25:48jamming!
0:25:52 > 0:25:54HE GIGGLES UNCONTROLLABLY
0:25:56 > 0:25:59Bobby, four mair pints of lager.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Sorry about that, fellas.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03I was only trying tae help.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06Isa telt me yous were gay.
0:26:06 > 0:26:11- Isa?- Aye. Said she seen yous in the one hoose in your pyjamas at 7am.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13That's good yin right enough.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15So all of Craiglang thinks we're gay?
0:26:15 > 0:26:17Aye.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20Tell me, did you actually think we were gay?
0:26:20 > 0:26:25Well, two guys, nae women,
0:26:25 > 0:26:27same hoose.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Youse could be gay.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Aye, I suppose we could be gay, aye.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Bobby.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40"Come in any time. You'll be welcome.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43"You'll be made to feel like human beings."
0:26:46 > 0:26:49Well, let's just see, shall we?
0:26:55 > 0:26:57- Victor.- Bobby.- Jack.
0:27:00 > 0:27:05- I think I'll go for a pee.- Right.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15D'ye know what?
0:27:15 > 0:27:16I'm needin' a pee as well.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26Naw, that's too much.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28I'm no' putting up with that.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30Live and let live,
0:27:30 > 0:27:32but no' in my lavvies!
0:27:42 > 0:27:44How's that for ye, sweetheart?
0:27:44 > 0:27:46That's smashin', darlin'!
0:27:46 > 0:27:49Oh, that's really nice. I'm enjoying that.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51Right, ya couple of queerhawks!
0:28:26 > 0:28:29- Yes! I win. Again.- Ya bastard.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31- Ma turn.- It's too hard, that.
0:28:31 > 0:28:36- I don't know if I'm comfortable sitting between yous two.- Shut up.
0:28:36 > 0:28:37I'm gonnae get the tea on.
0:28:40 > 0:28:44Ooh! Did you bring these cookies, Winston?
0:28:44 > 0:28:45Aye. Wire in.