0:00:00 > 0:00:03This programme contains adult humour
0:00:29 > 0:00:31You send me a postcard now.
0:00:31 > 0:00:36Aye... OK, right you are. I love you too, darlin'.
0:00:36 > 0:00:40All-righty, see you now. Bye... Bye.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43How's Fiona getting on?
0:00:43 > 0:00:48Aye good, aye. That's them away to Alaska for a fortnight campin'.
0:00:48 > 0:00:53Alaska, off to Alaska.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55That's the great thing about Canada, eh?
0:00:55 > 0:00:58- Adventure holidays. - Aye, can ye imagine Alaska?
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Grizzly bears.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03They're gonna go fishing. They're going whale watchin'!
0:01:03 > 0:01:06Whale watchin'?
0:01:06 > 0:01:08I would love tae see a whale.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11Aye, aye, so would I.
0:01:14 > 0:01:18- Very satisfying that, you know. - What's that?
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Well, knowing that your family are all settled.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24Whenever Fiona phones she's never got a problem.
0:01:24 > 0:01:28Always up to this and that, going here and there.
0:01:28 > 0:01:33It's only when you get to our stage in life and your family's up and away,
0:01:33 > 0:01:36then you can truly say that your hoose is in order.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Aye, all is right in the world.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42No more roads to travel.
0:01:42 > 0:01:47See when I'm sleeping at night, say if the reaper was to come calling, I think I'd be ready to receive him.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Aye?
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Aye, he'd put his hand on my shoulder.
0:01:52 > 0:01:59And without protest, I'd sit up with my feet in my slippers, which would be neatly positioned beside the bed.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02Pull on my housecoat, and then I'd follow him.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08- That's nice, Jack. - Aye, and I was passin' your door,
0:02:08 > 0:02:13I would give it a wee chap and say "farewell old friend!"
0:02:13 > 0:02:14Mmm...
0:02:14 > 0:02:20I'd hear you chapping, get up, go to the door, look through the peephole
0:02:20 > 0:02:22- and I wood nae open it!- Eh?
0:02:24 > 0:02:28Well, first of all, you've got me out of my bed in the middle of the night and for what?
0:02:28 > 0:02:33To see ya standing there wi' a nine foot shrouded figure wi' a sickle!
0:02:33 > 0:02:35That'll be bloody right!
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Oh well, that's nice, so we don't get to say cheerio then?
0:02:38 > 0:02:43Indeed we do not! Bloody skull face and boney hand!
0:02:43 > 0:02:48Soon as I open that door he's gonna go, "That's handy, there's two of them!
0:02:48 > 0:02:51"Come here, that'll save me coming back up the lift again later!"
0:02:51 > 0:02:54Don't talk pish. That's not how the reaper works.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56He calls for a man alone.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00Was he sayin' that to you, was he? Are ye pally wi' the reaper?
0:03:00 > 0:03:04No, but if I was I'd get him to put your name at the top of the bloody list!
0:03:04 > 0:03:06D'you see what an arsehole you truly are?
0:03:06 > 0:03:11- How am I an arsehole? - 'Cause the reaper's come for you and you've dogged me in!
0:03:11 > 0:03:15- That's how I'm not opening the door! What ye doin'? - I'm gonna get a screwdriver.
0:03:15 > 0:03:22I'm gonna screw my nameplate on yours so if he does come, he'll take you first, ya cheeky bastard!
0:03:24 > 0:03:30Right. A fella on a motorbike and his wee pal in the sidecar go off a cliff.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Boof. Deed!
0:03:32 > 0:03:36- What aboot it?- That's your theory about the reaper blown right oot the window.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40- "The reaper calls for a man alone." - Maybe there's more than one reaper.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42- Aw, shite!- What?
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Bobby's fancy dress party.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46I forgot about that.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Aww, so did I.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Ach, up him! Just tell him we forgot.
0:03:51 > 0:03:57Naw, he said ye weren't getting in without fancy dress. "Nae costume, nae pint", he said.
0:03:57 > 0:04:01I'm choking for a pint. What aboot this?
0:04:01 > 0:04:04Shower of bastards!
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Is it too much to ask? One night?
0:04:06 > 0:04:11One lousy night? I ask you to make one wee bit of effort and it's, "We cannae be bothered."
0:04:11 > 0:04:15My boy was gonna lend me his police outfit. But he needs it - he's on the back shift.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17I was comin' as Kylie.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21I was all dressed then the arse burst oot of ma wee hot pants and that was that.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Tadaaa!
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Who are you supposed to be?
0:04:27 > 0:04:30- I'm Victor.- And I'm Jack. Look. I've even got the pipe.
0:04:30 > 0:04:34- Two pints, Totalius Prickamus. - Make it snappy, Bawbagumus.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37Excellent. Thanks for the effort, lads.
0:04:37 > 0:04:41- What's the big deal anyway? - It was important to me.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43To the pub.
0:04:45 > 0:04:51- Ah, Mr. Kerr. Can I get you a pint? - I suppose so, Aye.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53You're quiet tonight, Bobby.
0:04:53 > 0:04:58It'll busy up later once all the fancy dressers turn up.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Aye, well. Good.
0:05:00 > 0:05:08Actually. Hold the beer. The news is nae good. We signed a deal this morning.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10So when am I er...
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Friday.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14I'm sorry.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Thanks for...popping by.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25- What was all that about, Bobby? - Who wants a drink?
0:05:27 > 0:05:31- I'm buying.- What we celebrating?
0:05:31 > 0:05:35We're celebrating the pub being sold from under me by the brewers.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39The pub closes on Friday. For good.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Drinks are on me.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50I'll have a large whisky and a lager then, Bobby.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56Vogue! Strike a pose!
0:05:56 > 0:05:58There's really nothing tae it!
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Vo-o-o-ogue!
0:06:00 > 0:06:04I've just been into the chippy for ma dinner and the lassie
0:06:04 > 0:06:08says Antonio's shutting because the Clansman's shutting.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Can you clarify this, Isa, or is the lassie on glue?
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Update please.
0:06:13 > 0:06:18Aye, she's right enough. A big property developer's gonna knock the Clansman doon and build hooses.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20It's a sad day right enough.
0:06:20 > 0:06:25Jeez-oh! Nae pub? That hardly bears thinking aboot. What's that?
0:06:25 > 0:06:31Protest. The Clansman shutting is only the beginning. Look at the chippy.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34There's a lot of passing trade. I'll no' be long behind them.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38- You shut the only pub in the town. The whole town dies. - It's no that bad, Navid.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40The place is a dump.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42It's like an atom bomb.
0:06:42 > 0:06:46The Clansman is the epicentre, the fallout affects everything.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49Well, I imagine there are one or two historians who disagree
0:06:49 > 0:06:52that the shutting of the Clansman's on a par with Hiroshima.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55I can just see the boys on the Enola Gay -
0:06:55 > 0:06:58"Brad, I'm right sorry about that Hiroshima thing.
0:06:58 > 0:07:03"Don't worry, Chip! We'll console ourselves with a pint down the Clansman."
0:07:03 > 0:07:06"Oh no, we cannae" It's knocked doon! That's worse!"
0:07:06 > 0:07:07That attitude stinks, boy.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09The pub's the heart of a community.
0:07:11 > 0:07:17See this? You could do worse than put one of these on and come doon and protest at these bastards!
0:07:17 > 0:07:20At least Navid cares about the community.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Look what he's done - a completely selfless act
0:07:23 > 0:07:26for the benefit of Craiglang. Thank you, Navid.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28- Aye all right.- There you are.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Smashin' turn out, lads.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42I'm bloody freezing. Are we lighting this or what?
0:07:42 > 0:07:47Aye. We've got paper in there, firelighters, kindling, petrol.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53Oh smashin'! That's a rare heat, that.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56Here we go. Hello there, darling.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00- Would ye care to sign this petition to save the Clansman? - Aye so I will!
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Ma man's never oot that shitehole!
0:08:02 > 0:08:07- Sooner they pull it doon the better! - Thanks again now.
0:08:07 > 0:08:08How many names have we got?
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Names, names... Let me see.
0:08:10 > 0:08:17J Jarvis esq of Osprey Heights and a Mr V McDade, also of Osprey Heights.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20- That's it.- Eh?- You signed this yet?
0:08:21 > 0:08:24This is good of ye, lads.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Some nourishment for the protesters, eh?
0:08:26 > 0:08:29Ho ho, Bobby ma man! Hot pies!
0:08:29 > 0:08:33Um... Cold pies. The microwave's still humped.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Jesus.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Ho ho, Who's this?
0:08:38 > 0:08:42- Looks like the gaffer.- 'Scuse me, son. Can we have a word wi' ye?
0:08:42 > 0:08:45- Are these your men? - They are, yes.- And you are?
0:08:45 > 0:08:49- I'm Chris Howden. I'm the developer. - Hands off our pub, ya arsehole!
0:08:51 > 0:08:56- How's your protest going? - Very well thank you. - Have you got many signatures?
0:08:56 > 0:09:00- Hundreds.- Look. It's pissing down. Come in. Let me buy you a pint.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03Indeed we will not take a pint off ye.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05That's blood yer asking us to drink!
0:09:05 > 0:09:10- Buyin' us off wi' yer charity! - But we normally take a pint at this time of day so OK!
0:09:14 > 0:09:17We've been drinkin' in here for years, haven't we?
0:09:17 > 0:09:21You pull this place down, we'll have nowhere to go.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25Hmm, it's no' just us, I mean Bobby there.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27It's his livelihood.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29I hear what yer sayin', lads. But it's...
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Let's just say it's business.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34There must be other pubs to go to, surely.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36That's it, son. There's no.
0:09:36 > 0:09:42The nearest pub fae here's two mile away and it's a bear pit into the bargain.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46This pub here's like a way of life for a lot of people, you know?
0:09:47 > 0:09:49You want another?
0:09:52 > 0:09:53I'll get them.
0:09:54 > 0:09:59He stands up, his troosers are all ripped, but he's still got a hold o' my tie!
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Hears the door, turns roon',
0:10:01 > 0:10:03and Isa's standing there!
0:10:08 > 0:10:10- HE WHISPERS:- Here, Jack.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12He's warmin' up a bit, eh?
0:10:12 > 0:10:16Aye. I think he might be having second thoughts.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19- Great pie, Bobby! Very tasty! - Thanks very much.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23I sent oot to Greggs for them.
0:10:26 > 0:10:31The man says that's weird, cos he didn't like the book at all!
0:10:31 > 0:10:35- Right. I'll get them in, shall I? - Wait a minute, son.
0:10:35 > 0:10:40Noo, ye said pullin' doon the pub was just business.
0:10:41 > 0:10:45But look at us sitting here, wi' you!
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Laughing. Having a good time.
0:10:50 > 0:10:54What reason could you have for pulling down a good pub?
0:10:54 > 0:10:56- How long have yous lived here? - All our days.
0:10:56 > 0:11:02- We married Craiglang lasses, brought our weans up here. - All our lives.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06- So you'll remember when this pub was built?- Remember? We were the first customers!
0:11:06 > 0:11:11No ye weren't. I slept on the doorstep the night before so I'd be first.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15Here's the question. What stood on this ground before?
0:11:15 > 0:11:19- Hooses? - Was it no the wee miners' cottages?
0:11:19 > 0:11:21Wee white cottages. Tiny they were.
0:11:21 > 0:11:26That's right. That's where my mother was brought up. Number six.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Exactly where this pub's standing.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32She left Craiglang. When she was 20. Because she was pregnant with me.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35Aye, there was a lot of that.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38Single mum, in those days... It was frowned upon.
0:11:38 > 0:11:42My mother always said you have to look after yourself.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44So one night, she up and left.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Brought me up in Galashiels.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49She died last year.
0:11:49 > 0:11:55So... I'm gonna build a row of cottages in her honour.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Name the street after her.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59That's a nice thing, that.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02I don't think there's anybody who'd decry you for that.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Bobby?
0:12:05 > 0:12:08- Aye?- You're up the shitter!
0:12:08 > 0:12:10It's a good thing right enough.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12What was yer mammy's name, son?
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Jenny. Jenny Turnbull.
0:12:17 > 0:12:22- Tell us again. - We'd be about 20, 21 at the time.
0:12:22 > 0:12:29We were aye fallin' oot then makin' up again. The nooky?
0:12:29 > 0:12:33Unbelievable. Every night. We were at it like knives.
0:12:33 > 0:12:37- She could do this thing wi' her tongue... - How long did you go out with her?
0:12:37 > 0:12:39Aboot six month in all.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Then she disappeared.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44That's how I'm shiting myself.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48I've got tae be that boy's da! It can only be me.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Well...
0:12:52 > 0:12:57- Well, what?- Ye said yourself yous were always arguing.
0:12:57 > 0:13:03Fallin' oot'. She came to ma door one night, blubbin'...
0:13:03 > 0:13:04callin' you aw the bastards.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09I brung her in, gave her comfort.
0:13:10 > 0:13:14- We opened a wee half bottle and... - And...
0:13:14 > 0:13:16I pumped her.
0:13:16 > 0:13:20- Pumped her? Ya lousy bastard! - We were half cut, Winston!
0:13:20 > 0:13:25- You've kept that from me all these years! - We were young! That's what ye did!
0:13:25 > 0:13:28That's what ye did?! Ye pumped yer best pal's girlfriend!
0:13:28 > 0:13:34You have got to be the dirtiest, lousiest bastard I've ever set eyes upon!
0:13:34 > 0:13:37Well, eh, second lousiest...
0:13:37 > 0:13:40- Eh?- Aye, er... - HE WHISTLES
0:13:40 > 0:13:45- You an' all!- Roon' the back of the dance hall.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47I know what ye mean aboot the tongue.
0:13:47 > 0:13:52- Dirty lousy bastard!- You! Up!
0:13:53 > 0:13:58- I'm gonna knock you out! - How ye gonna knock me oot? It's him ye want to knock oot.- How?
0:13:58 > 0:14:03- Well... He done it...first!. - Right enough! I'm gonna knock YOU out!
0:14:03 > 0:14:06Winston, this is stupid!
0:14:06 > 0:14:07Aye, you're right enough.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Och. It is daft.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13That was a long time ago, that.
0:14:13 > 0:14:18We were just daft young boys at the time.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21- We, we're pals noo.- We are pals, aye.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24- That's what makes it all the harder to take.- What?
0:14:24 > 0:14:28Yous two lousy bastards STIRRING MA PORRIDGE!
0:14:38 > 0:14:41You calmed doon yet, ya daftie?
0:14:41 > 0:14:46Aye I've calmed doon. C'mere and see this. Two halfs, Bobby.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51I dug this oot. Look at that - I dunno how I didn't tipple at the time.
0:14:51 > 0:14:55- LAUGHTER - Spotted!
0:14:55 > 0:14:57It's a bloody mess right enough, in't it?
0:14:57 > 0:15:01- Aye... Cannae believe ma pub's shuttin' after aw this time. - No you. Us!- Oh.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05- Thanks for your concern.- Oh, sorry.
0:15:05 > 0:15:09- It's just... Doesn't matter. - What's the matter wi' yous?
0:15:09 > 0:15:13Nothing. Don't you worry aboot it. You've got enough on yer plate, son.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17- You're supposed to tell ya barman ya troubles.- Can you keep a secret?
0:15:17 > 0:15:21- Of course.- It's a big yin, mind.
0:15:21 > 0:15:25- Right. I'm all ears. - D'ye know that developer boy?
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Mmm-hmm.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30Well, we...knew his mother.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Mmm-hmm.
0:15:33 > 0:15:37You know... We KNEW his mother.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47That's boggin! Ya clatty auld bastards!
0:15:49 > 0:15:51These are new brogues, Bobby!
0:15:52 > 0:15:56Ye see? One of us is the da.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59- Who?- Exactly. We don't know.
0:15:59 > 0:16:03- This is great!- How's it great?
0:16:03 > 0:16:06You've got to tell him. You could save this pub!
0:16:06 > 0:16:11- How?- What heartless bastard would pull down his old man's local?
0:16:11 > 0:16:17No, no, no Bobby. We need time to figure oot how to broach this.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20You've no' got time! This pub'll be rubble by Friday.
0:16:20 > 0:16:24You've got tae sort it out! Find out! You owe me!
0:16:24 > 0:16:30- How do we owe you?- I've worked in here since I was 18, putting up with your shite, your patter.
0:16:30 > 0:16:34Being the butt of the jokes, feedin' and waterin' yous.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Looking after yous.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Serving you.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41- Lager, Bobby. - Shut yer hole, ya dick!
0:16:45 > 0:16:49Look. Find out who the da is.
0:16:49 > 0:16:54- How would we go about that? - Spend a bit of time with him. You'll know who the da is.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58- You'll see it in him.- Then what?
0:16:58 > 0:17:04Then ye give it. "Look, son. Your ma was a roaster.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07"Her knickers were only on to keep her ankles warm.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10"I'm yer da, how do you do?
0:17:10 > 0:17:12"Please don't pull down ma local!
0:17:12 > 0:17:15"Go on, do your old da a favour!"
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Poetry, Bobby. Pure poetry.
0:17:17 > 0:17:22Listen. Howden's throwing a party in here for everybody tomorrow night.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24The last night of the Clansman.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27You've got to sort it oot by then. Otherwise I'm humped.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39- What was aw that aboot?- What?
0:17:39 > 0:17:44Now now, Bobby. I've got to be told what yous were all hushed up and whispering aboot.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47You're not on, Isa. I've been sworn to secrecy.
0:17:47 > 0:17:52Ah. So it is a secret. Look, Bobby. You've started to tell me already.
0:17:52 > 0:17:58Back off, Isa. You've met yer match. I'm a barman. I can keep a secret.
0:17:59 > 0:18:04Oh, aye. We'll see about that, will we?
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Give us ma sherry over, Peggy.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14So... I'll ask you one more time.
0:18:16 > 0:18:20The developer boy. He could be the son of Jack,
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Victor,
0:18:22 > 0:18:24or Winston.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27That wasn't so hard, was it?
0:18:31 > 0:18:35No. That will all be wet cast. Just like the original.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Hello.
0:19:00 > 0:19:06- Can I help ye?- No you're fine, son. Fella. Mr. Laddy. Man. Man!
0:19:06 > 0:19:10I'm just looking at the plans for the cottages. Like a look?
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Aye. OK.
0:19:17 > 0:19:22That's my mum's cottage there. It'll be 12 weeks to completion.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Oh, Jeez-oh! Look at that.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27- It's two o'clock.- Bugger!
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Where's that remote?
0:19:29 > 0:19:31There it's there, son.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Got a horse on. Shit, it's started!
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Is that Chepstow? I've got a horse in that.
0:19:37 > 0:19:42Come on... Come on... Come on!
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Aww!
0:19:50 > 0:19:56- I love the gee-gees.- I never bet. - What about that one?
0:19:56 > 0:19:59That was my first bet. Ever.
0:20:00 > 0:20:05For a pal. I put it on for a pal. Daft horses!
0:20:08 > 0:20:11A son.
0:20:13 > 0:20:18- A son ye never knew ye had. - It's queer right enough.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27- Where are you going? - Gonna phone my John.
0:20:27 > 0:20:33I'm gonna say, "Son, don't go off yer nut. You might have a brother."
0:20:33 > 0:20:38What's the point in that? That's putting the noose round yer neck afore the jury's found ye guilty!
0:20:38 > 0:20:43- It could be me that has to phone ma Fiona. She'll go apeshit! - How will she?
0:20:43 > 0:20:48It's not as if we were cheatin' on our wives. We were just daft boys.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52- Long before we settled doon. - Would be better if it was Winston.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55At least every body knows he was a whore-maister!
0:20:55 > 0:20:56Aye.
0:20:58 > 0:21:03See they Crimewatch programmes? They've got DNA tests, they call them.
0:21:03 > 0:21:07- That's how they find out who the father is.- How does that work?
0:21:07 > 0:21:11It's either a clump in yer hair a swab in yer mooth. Your sperm.
0:21:11 > 0:21:16That's how they caught Clinton, sure. Aye.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Big splat of doodah on the lassie's frock.
0:21:19 > 0:21:20That's what we'll do, aye.
0:21:20 > 0:21:25Just trot doon to that portakabin and say "One of us could be yer da.
0:21:25 > 0:21:29"We're going to Crimewatch aboot it as well!
0:21:29 > 0:21:32- "Ye couldn't have a jerk into that cup for us, could ye?" - Victor!
0:21:34 > 0:21:36- Get me a whisky, will ye? - What's the matter wi' ye?
0:21:36 > 0:21:41- I'm the da. Nae two ways aboot it. - What is it you're on aboot?
0:21:41 > 0:21:45Jack. Victor. Please. Proof positive. Case closed.
0:21:45 > 0:21:46I'm the da.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48I dunno what I'm gonna do.
0:21:51 > 0:21:56It's a mess. I need a drink. Am I getting a half or no'?
0:21:56 > 0:22:02- There's none left.- Right. I'm going to the offies to get a bottle.
0:22:03 > 0:22:07- I'd hold on to yer cash if I was you, Winston.- How?
0:22:07 > 0:22:11By my reckoning you owe that boy 50 years' back pocket money!
0:22:17 > 0:22:24- THEY LAUGH - It's bad laughing, in't it? - Aye it's poor. Celebration bevvy?
0:22:25 > 0:22:27- Good to be off the hook.- Exactly.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31You no comin' in? I've ma magazine to get.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34- No. You go in. I'm having a wee puff at the gun here.- Right-o.
0:22:41 > 0:22:46- Hello.- Oh, hello. We were just talking aboot you there.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49Oh, aye. Getting pelters, was I?
0:22:49 > 0:22:51No, not at all...
0:22:51 > 0:22:54You goin' to the last night party at the Clansman?
0:22:54 > 0:22:56- I'll be there.- Good!
0:23:15 > 0:23:18What's the matter wi' you? Look like you've seen a ghost.
0:23:18 > 0:23:22Aye I have! The ghost of shaggin' past!
0:23:22 > 0:23:26- Eh?- The boy's in there! Ma boy!
0:23:26 > 0:23:30- I'm the da!- Ach, give us peace!
0:23:30 > 0:23:33Listen! Know that thing I do with ma glasses?
0:23:33 > 0:23:36- Aye?- He does it an' all. Exactly the same.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38It's uncanny, Jack.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44So. It's a two horse race!
0:23:44 > 0:23:48Hello, Jack! That was a nice surprise. They had Drum.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Cannae get that where I live.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Appears it's a three horse race, Jack.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02To the Clansman.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05Cheers!
0:24:05 > 0:24:09Smashin, eh? Free booze everywhere, all I can touch is the orange juice. Bastard.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15- Jack. Victor.- Bobby.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Welcome to our last night.
0:24:18 > 0:24:22- Large ones?- Aye.- Aye.
0:24:25 > 0:24:31- Tell me you've found oot who the da is, for God's sake. - To be honest, we're nae further on.
0:24:31 > 0:24:32Jesus.
0:24:32 > 0:24:36- WINSTON CLEARS HIS THROAT Chris...- Winston, no!
0:24:36 > 0:24:37Not now, Victor.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40Listen, son.
0:24:40 > 0:24:44You might not like what I've got to say but it's the God's honest truth.
0:24:44 > 0:24:48A lot of people here in Craiglang knew your mother Jenny.
0:24:48 > 0:24:54- It would be fair to say she was very fond of her hol... - It might no' be you!- ..lidays.
0:24:54 > 0:24:59Always going away on jaunts. Rothesay. Helensburgh. Saltcoats.
0:24:59 > 0:25:04It's good to have you back. God bless your mother.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08What was all that about?
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Sit down, son.
0:25:12 > 0:25:13We've something to tell ye.
0:25:15 > 0:25:19We knew yer mother. The three of us.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22- Excuse me, boys.- Wait a minute, Isa. This is important.
0:25:22 > 0:25:28I know. Christopher. There's someone here I want you to meet.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35"Dear Peter..." That's me.
0:25:35 > 0:25:42"I am writing this letter to let you know that you and I had a baby son, Christopher, yesterday.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44"He is fit and well.
0:25:44 > 0:25:48"Do not feel bad that you are not here. It's for the best.
0:25:48 > 0:25:54"I think we both know that things between us could never work out.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56"My life is here now and yours is up there.
0:25:56 > 0:26:01"Please do not try to contact us and for this I will be forever grateful.
0:26:01 > 0:26:05"God bless... Jenny."
0:26:07 > 0:26:09- Hello, son.- Dad.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15Come and have a seat, Dad.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18- We've a lot of catching up to do. - I don't think so, son.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21I've been a mad alcoholic tramp for the past 40 years!
0:26:25 > 0:26:27ALL: Large Scotch Bobby.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30And I'll take a sherry.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35Isa. How the hell did you work that oot?
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Give us that photy o'er, Bobby.
0:26:39 > 0:26:43- That's ma photy!- I know. Who took it?
0:26:43 > 0:26:47You never forget the photies you took, do you?
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Isa, did ye get it?
0:26:50 > 0:26:54Aye I got it. It was a cracker!
0:26:55 > 0:26:58Right ye big streak of piss, take the ball off me!
0:26:58 > 0:27:00- Too easy, Jackie boy. Too easy! - Wait for me!
0:27:05 > 0:27:08Hi, Pete. You missed yourself at the pub.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11Ach, ye know me. Didn't bother with the drink.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13Did ye have a nice time fishing?
0:27:13 > 0:27:16Lovely. Two brownies. No bad.
0:27:18 > 0:27:19Where are they going?
0:27:19 > 0:27:25Oh, they're playin' football... Dafties.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29God, they're awfully far away... in't they?
0:27:30 > 0:27:34Aye, they are.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40Christ. Pete.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42- I forgot we used to hang about wi' Pete.- Aye.
0:27:42 > 0:27:47Nae wonder he turned to the drink, carryin' that secret aboot.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50Aye, that's that sorted.
0:27:50 > 0:27:56Here, has anyone else got any little dirty secrets they want aired before w get on with the rest of our lives?
0:27:57 > 0:27:59I'm looking for a man called Navid.
0:28:27 > 0:28:30- Ye must be chuffed, Bobby. - I'm chuffed. I've still got a job.
0:28:32 > 0:28:35Chris?
0:28:36 > 0:28:39Aye-aye. Brilliant. What do you think, lads?
0:28:39 > 0:28:41Nice thing you've done, son.
0:28:41 > 0:28:46- Look after the place, Bobby. Make sure my dad gets everything he wants. - I will do. And thanks again, eh?
0:28:49 > 0:28:53- You comin out for a look, Dad? - Am I hell.
0:28:53 > 0:28:55There's a perfectly good bar in here!