0:00:30 > 0:00:32Gie yersel peace!
0:00:32 > 0:00:35It's just another birthday to me.
0:00:35 > 0:00:36Aye, I'll get it when I get it.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39OK, if you say so, aye.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Honestly.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44All right, then. Okey dokey.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Bye. Bye bye.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51- Arsehole.- Forgot yer birthday again, eh?
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Aye. Well, no.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56He forgets, then he remembers at the last minute, you know,
0:00:56 > 0:00:59and he's got to pay through the nose to send it special delivery.
0:00:59 > 0:01:05Why he just cannae post on time, I don't know. I mean, my birthday's the same day every year!
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Yeah. He is sending, something, though, ain't he?
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Aye, I suppose.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11What's that?
0:01:11 > 0:01:15It's Italian. Beanitos Tostino.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Grazie.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20And is there red saucio through the beanitos? The way we like it?
0:01:20 > 0:01:23Si, Signor!
0:01:23 > 0:01:26I'd be happy to get nothing, Jack.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29Oh, shut up. He always gets ye something nice.
0:01:29 > 0:01:34Aye, cos it's guilt! Aye, he gets me a good thing cos he's left it late and forgot.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37- And that's his way of making up. - Listen to you moaning, you clown.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41Cos yer son's getting you something smashing, on the day you're meant to get it.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44I can see why you're getting wound up about it, though.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47I mean, My Fiona's exactly the same. She's an arsehole.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50She always gets me something lovely!
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Just ignore me. It's just my age.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Right, what de ye want tae dae?
0:01:55 > 0:01:57- For what?- For what?!
0:01:57 > 0:02:00- For your birthday!- Ah, gimme peace.
0:02:00 > 0:02:04Oh, come on noo, Victor. 75. 75 summers. That's an occasion you've got to mark.
0:02:04 > 0:02:09MY arse! I'll mark it the same as I mark every other day.
0:02:09 > 0:02:10With a shower, a shit and a shave.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Classy, aye.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15Ah, you've got to do something special. Something really good.
0:02:15 > 0:02:19I mean, what do I normally get you? Bloody bottle of Scotch.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23That's right. And every year I drink it. I look forward to it, tae.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25What's for pudding, by the way?
0:02:25 > 0:02:28Pudding?
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Biscotti Penguino.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Nice.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Tell you what, get me 75 of them.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Here, you.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41Jesus. ..Yes?
0:02:41 > 0:02:47- This chocolate bar gave Justin diarrhoea!- How do you know it was the chocolate?
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Cos that's all he had yesterday.
0:02:49 > 0:02:53- He eat it outside the shop and by the time I got him hame he'd shat all up his back.- Nice!
0:02:53 > 0:02:57- Did you have diarrhoea?- Nup. I didnae have the chocolate.
0:02:57 > 0:03:02- Do any of wee Justin's brothers or sisters have diarrhoea? - Nup. They didnae have it either.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Does anybody else in your immediate family have diarrhoea?
0:03:04 > 0:03:09- No.- So wee Justin was the only one who ate the chocolate?- Aye.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12Right. I think we might have arrived at the problem here.
0:03:12 > 0:03:17You see, when you bought your chocolate bar yesterday, it wasn't this size, no, no,no, no, no ...
0:03:17 > 0:03:20It was actually...this size.
0:03:20 > 0:03:25You gave a two year-old boy a slab of chocolate the size of a headstone.
0:03:25 > 0:03:30Geoff Capes would have shite up his back if he ate that amount of chocolate! Take a hike, chancer.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32And take shitey-arse with you!
0:03:32 > 0:03:35- Arsehole!- Junkie!
0:03:35 > 0:03:39Customer relations, Navid. That's the name of the game.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41- Jack. Drum?- No, no, no.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44I tell you what it is, it's Victor's birthday on Thursday and...
0:03:44 > 0:03:49I know it's Victor's birthday on Thursday, cos it's Meena's on Wednesday.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52So it is, I remember you telling me that, aye.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55What you getting her?
0:03:56 > 0:03:57Nothing.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59£9.99 for the whisky, Jack.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02Well, actually, no. I'm not gonnae bother.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04I normally get him that every year but...
0:04:04 > 0:04:09No, this is a biggie, you know? He's 75. That's a landmark, a milestone, you know? It's a big deal.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11You're right.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14Get him two bottles.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Och, no, no. I want to do something good.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19- Something special, you know?- Oh, aye.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21I saw a great thing in this magazine.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33A balloon? Oh, no. Ye cannae trust a balloon.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36How would that be? Look at the Hindenburg!
0:04:36 > 0:04:39That's a zeppelin, ya halfwit!
0:04:39 > 0:04:42It's the same principle, just a different shaped balloon.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45I mean, you're up there, dyin' for a smoke. Spark up, boof!
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Happy birthday, Victor.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Away and don't talk a lot of pish.
0:04:49 > 0:04:55- The Hindenburg was chock full of flammable gas.- Hydrogen. - Hydrogen. Thank you, Shug.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Modern balloons dinnae use that any more. Very safe.
0:04:58 > 0:05:03No, the only thing you need to worry about in these balloon is low flying aircraft.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05- Helicopters.- Power lines.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08- Power lines. Good one, Tam. Lightning.- Church spires.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Right, the balloon's humped, then.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Oh, here. What about this? Falconry!
0:05:14 > 0:05:19"Become one with Mother Nature and understand the commanding majesty that is The Perigrine Falcon."
0:05:19 > 0:05:22Ooooh!
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Falcon? No, that's a non-starter.
0:05:24 > 0:05:29A sparrow flew in his living room windae one time and he locked himself in the toilet. He's a big shitebag.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32That's that falked then.
0:05:32 > 0:05:36- Tandem parachuting.- What's that? - It's a safe parachute jump.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39I've always wanted to do it.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43- He's 75, Boabby.- They dae it for ye. Ye've a guy strapped to your back.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45- Is that why you've always wanted tae dae it?- Shut up...
0:05:45 > 0:05:50Actually, you said it, boy. The cheapest adventure there's 150 quid.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52There's nae joy in that.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55Handing out perfectly good money and have someone else do it all for you.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58That's thoughtless. Corporate. Cold.
0:05:58 > 0:06:02The best gifts are the ones that are thoroughly thought oot, personal touch.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05Specially fashioned with the recipient in mind.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Cheap? Aye, well cheap.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10Have your own red Letter Day here, Jack. Local in Craiglang.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13A sort of a reddish letter day.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15A maroon day, if you will.
0:06:15 > 0:06:19Strap yourself to Victor's back and you can jump aff the high flats.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22What's he intae? Sitting on his arse drinking tea.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25He's got very, very good at that. What stuff's he intae?
0:06:25 > 0:06:30I was gonnae get him a book about fishing cos he gets that Trout and Salmon magazine.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32But it's years since we've done any fishing.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35We used to fish the Kelvin when we were young boys.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Now we're talking.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41- Shug?- Yeah?- You still got that dinghy?- Aye, I dae.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Dinghy?
0:06:43 > 0:06:47A leisurely sail doon the Kelvin, bit of fishing.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49An urban adventure!
0:06:49 > 0:06:52I'll dae a spread, sandwiches and that.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Och, Jack! That's a lovely idea!
0:06:55 > 0:06:57- Och.- And he doesnae know anything aboot it?
0:06:57 > 0:07:00- No, he doesnae know anything aboot it so not a word.- As if!
0:07:00 > 0:07:04You might not know it, but there is a code tae being a gabshite.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Births, deaths, cheating, drink problems...that's all gossip.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11Surprise birthday presents are sacred.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13- Immune!- Good.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16- What's keeping you, Jack?- Victor! I know something you don't know!
0:07:16 > 0:07:18For God's sake, Isa!
0:07:18 > 0:07:22- Did I say anything about Victor's birthday? No!- What's this?
0:07:22 > 0:07:25- Nothing.- Doesnae sound like nothing! - It's no nuthin, it's a good thing!
0:07:25 > 0:07:29- Will you shut yer hole?- Oh, come on. You know I don't like surprises.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31- What's going on?- What's going on?
0:07:31 > 0:07:35# I am saaaailing...
0:07:35 > 0:07:38- # I am saaaailing... # - How much is this tape?- £1.20 a roll.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Ya bastard ye!
0:07:45 > 0:07:49Thanking you. It doesnae matter, I'll tell you tomorrow.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52Oh, by the way, Meena. Many happy returns of the day!
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Remember, what, Meena?
0:08:06 > 0:08:10Uh? Uh? You thought I forgot, huh?
0:08:10 > 0:08:12But I didnae. Now you're the arsehole!
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Get it up you, Meena! Happy Birthday.
0:08:33 > 0:08:37- Morning!- Morning. Shat masel' there.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40- What's this?- Nuthin.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44"We called at 09:10am"...
0:08:44 > 0:08:48That's just noo. "..with a parcel, but you were not in.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50"Please collect it from the depot."
0:08:50 > 0:08:53- What parcel? - The one you've to collect.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Why have I to collect it?
0:08:55 > 0:08:58Cos...cos you're no in.
0:08:58 > 0:09:03- But I am in. Can I take a wild guess at what's happened here, Chris?- Aye.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06It's easier for you to fill out these wee cards than it is
0:09:06 > 0:09:10- to actually dae yer job and deliver parcels.- Aye.
0:09:10 > 0:09:17Mmm. Now I've got to haul my old arse down to the depot because you're a lazy bastard.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Aye.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21We make oot yer no in, saves us humpin' the parcels.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Who's done that to you?
0:09:30 > 0:09:32No me, cause I'm no in!
0:09:32 > 0:09:38- Now listen tae me. It's my birthday today.- Oh, many happy returns. - Oh, thanks very much.
0:09:38 > 0:09:43You bring ma parcel to the Clansman at opening time and I'll no feel the need to call your supervisor.
0:09:49 > 0:09:50Christ, what have you come as?
0:09:50 > 0:09:53Happy birthday, Victor! Have ye telt him yet, Jack?
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Back off, Isa!
0:09:56 > 0:09:57# Cryyyyy meeee a riiiverrrrr... #
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Shut up! I'm telling him!
0:10:04 > 0:10:10Right. This outfit has got something tae dae with what I've got you for yer birthday.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Guess.
0:10:13 > 0:10:14You've got me a garden gnome?
0:10:14 > 0:10:21Very funny. No, I'm taking you on seafaring adventure down the River Kelvin on a dinghy.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23- Right... - It'll be great!- Will it?
0:10:23 > 0:10:28- Ach, are you no keen?- Well, what do you mean "an adventure", Jack?
0:10:28 > 0:10:32I've got a dinghy offa Shug, you see, and I thought, well, you and I
0:10:32 > 0:10:36on the river, throw the hooks in the water like we did when we were kids.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39- Oh, come on, what do you think? - What do I think?
0:10:39 > 0:10:41I think you must have crack in that pipe, Jack!
0:10:41 > 0:10:43- I think you've finally gone aff yer rocker!- Eh?
0:10:43 > 0:10:47You and me in a dinghy in the Kelvin, at oor age? Are ye daft?
0:10:47 > 0:10:49What's the matter with that?
0:10:49 > 0:10:52It's no just a stupid idea you know, Victor. No, no, it's all organised!
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Come on, it'll be magic!
0:10:54 > 0:10:58I've no even got wellies or anything.
0:10:59 > 0:11:04- Organised.- How could you no just get us a bottle of whisky or something?
0:11:04 > 0:11:05Go and get your jumper on, Victor.
0:11:05 > 0:11:09It'll be the best birthday you've ever had. It's the best idea I've ever had.
0:11:09 > 0:11:13I think it's the worst idea you've ever had. Two words -
0:11:13 > 0:11:16- Rat piss.- Rat piss?- Aye.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Kelvin's full of rats.
0:11:18 > 0:11:19Where do you think they piss?
0:11:19 > 0:11:22Wee rat toilets stationed along the banks of the Kelvin?
0:11:22 > 0:11:25No, they piss in the Kelvin.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27One glug of that and you'll be stone deid.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30- We're no planning to drink the Kelvin, Boabby.- No.
0:11:30 > 0:11:35But once you drag the arse of yer wee dinghy over a jaggy shopping trolley you'll be drinking plenty.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37That river's manky.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40It is not. It's clean now. There's trout in that river.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Aye, hard trout. Trout wi' knives.
0:11:43 > 0:11:47Insects, killer midgies! Oh, it's full of beasties and creatures!
0:11:47 > 0:11:50It's the Kelvin, no the Congo.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Pete the Jakey claimed he saw a crocodile in it one year.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Mind you, that was back when he was injecting Absynth into his tongue.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00Boabby's talking shite, lads. It's perfectly safe.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Especially the bit you're going on.
0:12:02 > 0:12:07Eh, but know this. It's complacency that kills the sailor.
0:12:07 > 0:12:11The water is a cruel mistress and temperamental, too.
0:12:11 > 0:12:15Disrespect her and she'll envelop you.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Like a...
0:12:17 > 0:12:18an envelope.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Happy birthday, Victor.
0:12:23 > 0:12:24Cheers, son.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29What's this? Postmark Jo'Burg.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39What is it?
0:12:39 > 0:12:41It's a broken bottle of malt...
0:12:42 > 0:12:44and a whisky flavoured scarf.
0:12:47 > 0:12:51- Hello, Tam.- Isa.
0:12:51 > 0:12:56- What's all this? - Pork pies there, ham sandwiches and steak bakes out of Gregg's there.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Victor knows nothing about it!
0:12:59 > 0:13:03It's a lovely thing Jack's done for him, do you not think, Tam?
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Aye, aye.
0:13:05 > 0:13:06Gies a steak bake.
0:13:06 > 0:13:11No. You've tae wait. It's Victor's day, you're no busting into it.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Jack says they'll be here at one.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17- One! My eyes'll be starin' oot ma heid by then!- Will that dae us?
0:13:19 > 0:13:21- CHA-CHA MUSIC PLAYS - Aye. That's nice, Eric.
0:13:21 > 0:13:26Right. Shoes aff. I'm stickin' ma tootsies right in that water.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28It's lovely here, in't it?
0:13:28 > 0:13:32You'd never think that you're right in the heart of the city. It's like paradise.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37Me and Harry used to come here when we were courting, like.
0:13:37 > 0:13:42Aye. He used to dae that, an all. Stick his feet in the water.
0:13:42 > 0:13:47Aye, this is where we had our first kiss.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Oh, beautiful.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Bloody roasting, but beautiful!
0:13:52 > 0:13:56Ya greedy big bastard, ye!
0:14:04 > 0:14:07I'm no' so sure about this, Jack.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Gie yersel' peace. No, it's a great thing, that.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Climb aboard, gentlemen.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Get yer sea legs, eh?
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Aye, she's a craft of 22 years.
0:14:16 > 0:14:20Six years in the service of Her Majesty's Army
0:14:20 > 0:14:25and 16 years lying in ma loft gathering stoor.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28- She looks sturdy.- Aye, aye, aye.
0:14:28 > 0:14:32- It's a belter.- Aye, aye, when you get oot, stick to the middle.
0:14:32 > 0:14:36Keep away from the shallows and the debris around the edges.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40That's your oars, and put your life jackets on.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Woah, woah, woah. Life jackets?
0:14:42 > 0:14:46Just for safety. Aye, it's all organised.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Oh, aye. And speaking of safety,
0:14:48 > 0:14:51in that bag there is a flare.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53- Just in case.- Just in case?
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Just for safety?
0:14:55 > 0:14:57It's gein' me the fear, this, Jack.
0:14:57 > 0:15:02Oh, no, no. Now before you push off, should you wish to come ashore anywhere,
0:15:02 > 0:15:07just do a wee anchor bend...
0:15:08 > 0:15:10..like that. OK?
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Want to try it, Jack?
0:15:20 > 0:15:23Perfect.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Do you want to come wi' us, Shug?
0:15:25 > 0:15:29No, no, no, no. It's your day. You and him.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Besides, I nearly died in this bastard.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35But you'll be fine.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Course they'll be fine, with me at the helm!
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Chase yersel'!
0:15:40 > 0:15:44- How?- Because it's his birthday, no yours.- Oh, come on.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47I was born to be sea. I mean, I've got the wooden leg and everything.
0:15:47 > 0:15:51There's nae room, Winston. You'll capsize us ya fat bastard!
0:15:51 > 0:15:54Right. Fine. I'll just take my gift back then, will I?
0:15:54 > 0:15:57A monogrammed hip flask. V. M.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01Victor McDade. That's you. And it's chock full of Johnnie Walker, tae.
0:16:01 > 0:16:02HE WHISTLES
0:16:02 > 0:16:05Welcome aboard, Boatswain Ingram!
0:16:59 > 0:17:01What a present this is!
0:17:01 > 0:17:06Aye, you've fair outdone yourself this time, Jackie boy. I'm sorry I doubted you.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Not at all, Victor.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10You don't happen to be hungry, do you?
0:17:10 > 0:17:14- As a matter of fact, I am... - Yoohoo! Jack!
0:17:14 > 0:17:17- Victor! - Bingo.- What's this?
0:17:17 > 0:17:21Permission to go ashore, sir, for a light lunch and small imbuement.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Permission granted! Right, Winston.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27- Off yer arse, take us in. - Oh, right. Right.
0:17:27 > 0:17:32# Happy birthday to you Happy birth... #
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Are you coming in?
0:17:34 > 0:17:37- Paddle faster, ye wankers, yees. - We're trying!
0:17:37 > 0:17:39I'm knackered.
0:17:39 > 0:17:40Come on!
0:17:40 > 0:17:42What've you got here?
0:17:42 > 0:17:46Steak bakes, pork pies, beer!
0:17:46 > 0:17:47Faster!
0:17:47 > 0:17:51Wait a minute... Right!
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Here's the rope. Eric!
0:17:55 > 0:17:59Och, away ye go, ya wanker ye!
0:17:59 > 0:18:02Throw the food! Throw something, come on!
0:18:06 > 0:18:09Throw us the steak bakes!
0:18:29 > 0:18:32I'm concussed. I'm sure of it.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Why did you let that bloody flare aff?
0:18:35 > 0:18:37It was an emergency.
0:18:37 > 0:18:41- It's no an emergency no getting fed, Victor.- It is tae me.
0:18:41 > 0:18:42I've had nae breakfast.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45I didn't even got a bite oot ma roll before you dragged me oot!
0:18:45 > 0:18:48I've had nae breakfast. I could eat a scabby horse.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50All I've had is a couple of strips of bacon.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53And a sausage and a black pudding and an egg...
0:18:53 > 0:18:56and some fried toast, and all...
0:18:56 > 0:18:59And a tottie scone... Oh, aye, beans and mushrooms...
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Shut up!
0:19:01 > 0:19:04I'm seein double. There's four of you in this boat.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Right, what are we doing noo? Eh, Mr Organisation?
0:19:09 > 0:19:11I don't know.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Where are we?
0:19:13 > 0:19:17Oh, it's no so bonny roond here.
0:19:17 > 0:19:22- Aye, this is a bad part of the river.- Is that the Park Mill flats?
0:19:22 > 0:19:26Oh, Jesus! We're no in Park Mill, are we?
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Apache country.
0:19:28 > 0:19:29SIRENS AND HOWLING
0:19:29 > 0:19:34- What the hell was that?- Calm doon, probably just a ned or something.
0:19:34 > 0:19:38I don't like this, Jack. It's turning sour.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41- I want out the boat. - Never get out the boat.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44- Absolutely godamm right. - Aye, well I want oot.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48Even if there was a place to get oot the boat, we're in Parkmill.
0:19:48 > 0:19:53This place is twinned wi' the Gaza strip. I tell you, get oot the boat, ye'll get flayed.
0:19:53 > 0:19:58Jack's right. The last time I was stupid enough to come through here I got beat up by a six year old!
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Oh, no.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Here we go...
0:20:04 > 0:20:06They look like bastards.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08You're losin yer melon.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11Scared fae a couple of kids.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13How do, now?
0:20:13 > 0:20:16See, there ye are.
0:20:16 > 0:20:17Duck!
0:20:22 > 0:20:24We're under attack!
0:20:24 > 0:20:30- If I ever get aff this boat, Jack, I'm gonnie slit your bastardin' throat!- Just stay low!
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Right, we're all right, noo.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45- What's that noise?- What noise? - WATER RUSHES
0:20:45 > 0:20:48It's not unlike
0:20:48 > 0:20:50water falling.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55It's exactly like water falling!
0:20:55 > 0:20:58Oh! Paddles! Quickly now. Come on.
0:21:01 > 0:21:12Aaaghh!
0:21:12 > 0:21:13That were a laugh, weren't it?
0:21:13 > 0:21:15In here, this'll do us.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22Some birthday, this.
0:21:22 > 0:21:26Soakin', starvin, lost.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29See you, Victor. You are one torn-faced bastard.
0:21:29 > 0:21:34- You have been moaning since we hit the water this morning.- Come here!
0:21:34 > 0:21:38- What ya daein, ya madman?- You're Jeremy Beadle, aren't ya, hey?
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Get that mask off. I've had enough o' you, you prick!
0:21:41 > 0:21:43- Get off me!- Where's the cameras?
0:21:43 > 0:21:45Let me see yer hand!
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Back off!
0:21:47 > 0:21:52You're turnin' into a loony. That's what Boabby said. It's the rat piss thing.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55You've took a mouthful and you're off yer bloody nut!
0:21:55 > 0:21:58I'm no a loony. You're the loony!
0:21:58 > 0:22:00What ye daein for Winston's birthday? A firin' squad?
0:22:00 > 0:22:03Sign me up for that.
0:22:03 > 0:22:04Anything but this!
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Meat and drink, fellas.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22I would have them again.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Prawn cocktail. That's a first for me.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27- How was yours?- Oh, yeah.
0:22:27 > 0:22:31My tomato ketchup flavour crisps were right on the money.
0:22:31 > 0:22:37I had a packet of Starburst, a Mars bar, an even half dozen of fondant bananas.
0:22:37 > 0:22:41About to have a Pepperami for ma puddin.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Oh!
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Is it knackered?
0:22:59 > 0:23:02PLAYS A CHORD
0:23:02 > 0:23:07You know what, despite these two bollocks on ma foreheid, it's been a good day.
0:23:07 > 0:23:08Aye.
0:23:08 > 0:23:12Sorry about that wee outburst earlier on, Jack.
0:23:12 > 0:23:13It's forgotten, Victor boy.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Do you know what this is like?
0:23:17 > 0:23:20You know that movie wi' the boy with the big tache.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23- Smokey and the Bandit.- How?
0:23:23 > 0:23:27No, no, no. The one when they go doon the river on the canoe.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30- Deliverance.- Aye.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34It was a good movie, that. Aye.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Mind you, somebody got pumped in that, didn't they?
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Aye. By hillbillies.
0:23:39 > 0:23:43Ye haven't organised that for us, have ye?
0:23:43 > 0:23:48- Here, see if it was that movie, you'd be the one to get pumped, Jack.- How?
0:23:48 > 0:23:51Cos it's the wee fat one that gets pumped in Deliverance.
0:23:51 > 0:23:55- Victor can be Burt Reynolds. It's his birthday.- Ooh! I like that.- Aye.
0:23:55 > 0:23:59That makes you the ugly half-witted bastard that plays the banjo.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04PLAYS INTRO TO "Duelling Banjos"
0:24:04 > 0:24:09- You enjoyed your birthday, then? - Oh, aye. One of the best.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14Sling us another can, will ye, Winston?
0:24:14 > 0:24:16What? No, there's none left.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18I wonder who that carry out belonged to.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Haw! Oh, Jesus!
0:24:20 > 0:24:23Back in the boat.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27- No, this way!- In the boat, ya diddy!
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Christ!
0:24:34 > 0:24:38- Youse are deid! - Do we look deid?- Gi' us our beer.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40We drank it all. And it was delicious!
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Stop that. Yer just annoying them.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45Do you know what we're gonnae dae to yous?
0:24:45 > 0:24:48No. See if you hum it, I'll try and play it.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57Where are we noo?
0:24:57 > 0:25:00We're home and dry, boys. Just round this bend is the Clyde.
0:25:00 > 0:25:04I used to work it. There's a slipway.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08We can paddle up to that, jump on it, and we can get a bus right up the road.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17- Oh, here, what aboot the boat? - Oh, aye.
0:25:17 > 0:25:22Well, we could take our time and let all the air out it, roll it up flat
0:25:22 > 0:25:26and the three of us could humph it up the road dripping wet.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Or we could say it burst and sank.
0:25:28 > 0:25:33- Burst and sank.- It was a shame that. - Unfortunate.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36What a day. No offence, Jack, but I'm glad it's done.
0:25:36 > 0:25:40- It's no done yet. - Oh, Jesus! Is that a telly?
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Oh, no.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44You shouldn't huv drunk our beer.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46We're sorry. We're pensioners.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49It's ma birthday today.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Oh, happy birthday!
0:25:51 > 0:25:53We've all clubbed together and got you a telly!
0:25:57 > 0:26:02- Abandon ship!- No, the rat's piss thing, remember. Just keep rowing.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05There's the slipway! Keep rowing.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Quick!
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Quick. In here.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42- Ssh!- Don't move!
0:26:42 > 0:26:44We know yer in here.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46We're gonnae boot the shite oot of you!
0:26:46 > 0:26:48Jinkie, hit the light!
0:27:02 > 0:27:04All the best, Victor.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Cheers, boys.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08What age are you again?
0:27:08 > 0:27:11- 75, son.- Magic, man.
0:27:11 > 0:27:12Good age.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14My granda's 75 next week.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17- Is that right?- Aye.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20- Dunno what to get him.- Whisky.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03Jesus! What a heid!
0:28:23 > 0:28:25No-o-o!