0:00:34 > 0:00:39RADIO: ..And the question I'm asking you is, what is the name of Jacques Cousteau's boat?
0:00:39 > 0:00:41What is the name of Jacques Cousteau's boat?
0:00:41 > 0:00:45It's The Calypso, in't it? That's it. Calypso. RADIO CONTINUES
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Three pie and beans.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Wait a minute, Boabby, it's Tam's turn to pay for the pie and beans.
0:00:51 > 0:00:55Boabby, come on now, I'm on the phone. Please!
0:00:56 > 0:01:00Oh, here we go. Penn and Teller.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Sorry, Boabby, not with you.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05They're magicians. Are they? That's good, get us
0:01:05 > 0:01:09two pie and beans before I make this boot disappear up your arse.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12Hello, Eric, Winston. Tam! How you doin'?
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Ssh...
0:01:14 > 0:01:19Thomas Mullan, 25 Ratloch Road, Craiglang.
0:01:19 > 0:01:20Saga radio quiz.
0:01:20 > 0:01:24OK, now we have online a Mr Thomas Mullan from Craiglang.
0:01:24 > 0:01:28Hello, Thomas, how are you? Whoa! I don't believe I'm through!
0:01:28 > 0:01:33Well, you are. Tell us a wee bit about yourself, Thomas. I'm a businessman.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36OK. Can I ask what sort of business that is?
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Beetroot. I'm in the beetroot business.
0:01:38 > 0:01:44That's very unusual, I don't think we've ever had anyone on in the beetroot business before.
0:01:44 > 0:01:50So, you sell it, do you? I'm a supplier, to M, Sainsbury's, Tesco, all the big stores.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53OK. Is it beetroot in jars? Oh...
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Both types. Crinkly and balls.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Any family? Eight sons and four daughters.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03We have a large house and a big Jag. Oh, yes.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Beetroot's been very good to me.
0:02:05 > 0:02:10OK. Remember we asked what was the name of Jacques Cousteau's boat?
0:02:10 > 0:02:14That would be the Calypso. Guess what, Thomas? What's that?
0:02:14 > 0:02:15That's absolutely right!
0:02:15 > 0:02:19Congratulations, Thomas, you've won a pair of theatre tickets for this
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Friday for the first night of Uncle Vanya at the Citizens Theatre.
0:02:22 > 0:02:27And as an added bonus, a pre-theatre meal for two at Salerno's restaurant!
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Tell me, do you enjoy the theatre?
0:02:29 > 0:02:31She does. Beetroot's my life.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Well, I'm sure you'll both enjoy yourselves.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36In the meantime, congratulations again and thanks for calling.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43What you on about, eh, Tam?
0:02:43 > 0:02:44Big hoose. Jag?
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Beetroot, be Christ? It's radio.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49It's all fun. They cannae see ye.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52It's a perfect opportunity to be someone else for a laugh!
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Meal for two and a night at the theatre.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Oh, ya bastard!
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Frances is away at her sister's this weekend.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Okey-dokey, ladies and gentlemen!
0:03:05 > 0:03:07I have a meal for two at the fine Salerno's.
0:03:07 > 0:03:13Starter, main course and pudding, followed by a very entertaining night at the theatre. Do I have ?50?
0:03:13 > 0:03:16How about ?50, in the room, for the whole package.
0:03:16 > 0:03:21Ten quid. Ten quid? Jesus!
0:03:21 > 0:03:23We've got ?10, do I hear 20?
0:03:23 > 0:03:27No, you don't hear 20, ye hear ten, cos ye didnae pay anything for it!
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Twenty. I'll go myself!
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Well, that's what tae dae then, go yerself.
0:03:32 > 0:03:39Jam two meals doon yer neck then spread yer fat arse over two seats and enjoy the show. Ten quid.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42What about you guys? No, no.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Last time I went to the theatre was Peter Powers. Naughty naughty hypno show.
0:03:45 > 0:03:50That's right. He got up on the stage, made him eat an onion and then he got his cock out.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55What's the play called again? Uncle Vanya.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57It's about an Uncle.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00Called Vanya.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02What about you, Boabby?
0:04:02 > 0:04:05Does this boy Vanya eat an onion and get his cock oot?
0:04:05 > 0:04:07I don't think so.
0:04:07 > 0:04:08Nah.
0:04:09 > 0:04:10Ten pounds.
0:04:12 > 0:04:13Sold.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Sold.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Five pie and beans.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29This is smashin'. Pizza there...
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Spaghetti Bolognese.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36What's pollo? It's fish, Jack.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38I'll stick to the spaghetti.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Aye, me an' all.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Evening, ladies.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Evening, gentlemen.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Nice here, in't it? Aye.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Shame we've got to go to the theatre.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Russian garbage.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Bottle of wine and a Bolognese inside us?
0:04:52 > 0:04:56We'll be snoring by the time the curtain goes up.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59We don't have to go. No, we do not.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02We'll stuff our faces, then head up the Clansman.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Aye. Good call.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Bloody Uncle Vajna. Varna.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Aye. Varna.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11It's Vanya. Excuse me? The play.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13It's Vanya. Are you going?
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Oh, yes. We love the theatre.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18We see all the shows. Enjoy them thoroughly.
0:05:18 > 0:05:22We can't wait. Toby Canavan is such a wonderful actor!
0:05:22 > 0:05:23Isn't he? Isn't he though?
0:05:23 > 0:05:28What was the last thing we saw at the Citizens, Victor?
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Shakespeare. It was Shakespeare.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33Indeed it was. Which one was it again, Victor?
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Romeo and Juliet.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57Is the house plonk all right for you? Oh, aye, perfect.
0:06:01 > 0:06:06Ready to order? Aye, soup and spaghetti, son.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08I'll take the Minestrone and the Bolognese.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Yes. As will I.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Would you ladies care for a glass of wine?
0:06:17 > 0:06:19That would be lovely.
0:06:23 > 0:06:27Where are your seats? Oh, seats...
0:06:27 > 0:06:29B13 and 14.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Oh! We're 15 and 16.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34We could sit boy-girl, boy-girl.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Boy-girl, boy-girl!
0:06:45 > 0:06:47You must be well chuffed, eh, Boabby?
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Look around!
0:06:51 > 0:06:53This place is going like a fair!
0:06:53 > 0:06:56I can hardly hear the jukebox for the till!
0:06:56 > 0:07:02Aye, well it doesnae help when he sent two of my regular Friday night customers to the theatre.
0:07:02 > 0:07:06If it's any consolation, Boabby, they'll be having just as miserable a time as we are.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11RAUCOUS LAUGHTER
0:07:14 > 0:07:18So, where are you from? Kilmacolm. Very nice.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21When Liz's husband died, she sold her house.
0:07:21 > 0:07:25And, by the way, she made an absolute fortune on it! Stop it you!
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Well, you did! She moved in behind me.
0:07:28 > 0:07:34In fact, when I'm on the tennis court I just shout over the hedge and ask her over for a game!
0:07:34 > 0:07:39But we're both rubbish! We just do it as an excuse to drink Pimms in the afternoon.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42Tennis court. So are you widowed?
0:07:42 > 0:07:46No. I'm divorced. Long time ago now.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Blonde secretary.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50But I got my own back.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53I got a good lawyer, thank God, and got what I was due.
0:07:53 > 0:07:57That's good news. So you two are brothers?
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Oh, brothers, aye.
0:07:59 > 0:08:04Of course Jack's a couple of years older than me.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07Enough of your lies, Victor. He's two years older I am.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10So are you retired the both of you?
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Oh yes. We sold our business.
0:08:12 > 0:08:16So what sort of business did you have?
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Eh, beetroot.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Jarring, sending it all over the world.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22You'd be surprised how lucrative it is.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Of course we sold the business and split it right down the middle.
0:08:25 > 0:08:29I am good to myself, I don't mind telling you. And I have been.
0:08:29 > 0:08:35I was a bit shrewder. I invested it and tripled it. In a year!
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Very clever man my older brother.
0:08:37 > 0:08:41Then sadly my wife died but she was independently wealthy so
0:08:41 > 0:08:45that brought me right back up on a par financially with Victor again.
0:08:45 > 0:08:53Then, unfortunately, my wife died and left me enough to race away back in front again of Jack.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56So, you're men of leisure. Yeah, why not?
0:08:56 > 0:08:57Why not indeed?
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Now... This next lot are on us!
0:09:00 > 0:09:02You got the last three now.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Right.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Tripled it in a year!
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Excuse me. Older brother?
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Tam's right. It's good being someone else for a wee while.
0:09:15 > 0:09:20Aye. That's all well and good but they're nice ladies.
0:09:20 > 0:09:26We should ease off the tall tales otherwise they'll be expectin' a run up the road in a Bentley!
0:09:26 > 0:09:29All right, then. We'll cool it doon.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31It's marvellous though. Sitting here suited and booted,
0:09:31 > 0:09:35chit chattin' with a couple of good looking dames. Takes years aff ye.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Aye. They're coming back.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40Let's keep a lid on the porkies. Yeah.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Cheers. Hey, oh that's good...
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Chin chin. Chin chin.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50I've got a boat. Have you?
0:09:50 > 0:09:55How romantic. So it's Captain Jack.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Aye aye, ma'am.
0:09:57 > 0:09:5940 footer, all-singing, all-dancing.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Berths six comfortably.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04I'm more of a land lubber myself.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06I summer at my retreat in Kenya.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Do you get to the country often?
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Which country?
0:10:14 > 0:10:15The Scottish countryside.
0:10:15 > 0:10:19Not as often as we'd like, eh, Jack?
0:10:19 > 0:10:22We have friends that live in Blairtunnoch.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24They're always entertaining.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26In fact, we're going there tomorrow for a bit of shooting.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29Then later, dinner and a party.
0:10:29 > 0:10:34Would you like to join us? Cameron always welcomes any friends of ours!
0:10:34 > 0:10:39Victor? That would be wonderful. Tomorrow?
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Give us a number and we'll call you in the morning with how to get there.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44It'll be lots of fun.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46It's only for the one night. Overnight?
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Oh, yes. The drinking goes on into the wee hours.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52Right, we'll bring our jammies.
0:10:54 > 0:10:55You might not need them!
0:11:05 > 0:11:09Jesus, Jack, what are ye needin' a case that size for?
0:11:09 > 0:11:10Stuff and that.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13It's an overnighter, no' three weeks on the Queen Mary!
0:11:13 > 0:11:16You've probably under packed. I know what I'm doin', boy.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Right, get it open and we'll see if you know what you're doin'.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Here we go.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Gardening gloves. What de ye need these fur?
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Brambles. Thicket.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Jaggy nettles 'n' that.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Not required. Torch.
0:11:33 > 0:11:37It's dark in the country. We're no shootin' at night, Jack.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41What you pack cheese for?
0:11:41 > 0:11:44I like cheese. So do I. And so do the toffs.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46There'll be nae shortage of cheese.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48So, no to the cheese then? No to the cheese.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Mosquito net. In January. Not needed.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Neither is the loaf,
0:11:56 > 0:11:58the pillow,
0:11:58 > 0:12:00or the bleach.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04Or, in fact, the wellies.
0:12:04 > 0:12:09Wait a minute, I'll need the wellies. You'll no' need wellies. Toff's hooses are fulla wellies.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11They've got rooms specifically designated for wellies.
0:12:11 > 0:12:15They're welly daft. I'm saying yer way aff on the wellies.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Aye, well, we'll see... PHONE RINGS
0:12:18 > 0:12:22Oh, wait, Jack. I'll get it.
0:12:26 > 0:12:27Good morning.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29How may I help you?
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Whom may I say is calling?
0:12:34 > 0:12:37One momink please.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Sir! Sir!
0:12:42 > 0:12:46Sir is making his way from the conservatory.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Oh. The length of this hall!
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Hello there. Pam!
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Good to hear from you. Hold on.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12I've got a pen here. OK, fire away.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Right, The Grange.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18And the number? No number. Just The Grange.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21That's in Blairtunnoch. OK.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25I'll bring my wellies. Ha!
0:13:25 > 0:13:26They'll have loads of wellies.
0:13:26 > 0:13:30Hold on a second. Take the wellies out the case, ya idiot!
0:13:33 > 0:13:36No, no, don't send a driver for us.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39We've got our own driver. Oh, no, that's fine.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42All right, we'll see you then.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Bye then. Bye.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Why did you turn the lift doon?
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Where are we gonna get picked up from? This shithole?
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Oh, aye.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54But Blairtunnoch's in the middle of naewhere! We cannae get a bus!
0:13:54 > 0:13:56I know.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59ENGINE REVS Finally...
0:14:02 > 0:14:06Tam? Aye? Are you bringing the bloody stock, or what?
0:14:06 > 0:14:10Naw, Navid. I've got to go back to the Cash and Carry. I forgot...
0:14:10 > 0:14:14Curly Wurlies. You can get them next time! Naw, naw.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17If a job's worth doing well...
0:14:24 > 0:14:26So, what's in Blairtunnoch?
0:14:26 > 0:14:28That five quid was for petrol.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30It's no' cash for questions.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32What's the street?
0:14:32 > 0:14:35It's no' a street. It's called The Grange.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37Ooh! The Grange.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42BAGPIPES PLAY IN DISTANCE
0:14:42 > 0:14:44Right, that's you.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46We cannae get out here, Tam! How no'?
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Cos it looks bad!
0:14:48 > 0:14:50What are you doing you imbecile?
0:14:50 > 0:14:54Can you not see we are receiving guests?! Deliveries round the back!
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Ach, take the poker oot yer arse, ye prick!
0:14:58 > 0:15:01Tam. Take us back doon the lane!
0:15:07 > 0:15:09C'mon lads. What's going on?
0:15:09 > 0:15:12The suitcases? Tell me something! Anything!
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Thanks for the theatre tickets.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26Your doing a grand job.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28I've got some coppers here.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30He's a piper, Jack, no' a bloody busker. Get in!
0:15:35 > 0:15:37You made it!
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Pam! Liz.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41It's bracing out there.
0:15:41 > 0:15:45Gentlemen. I'll take your cases to your rooms. Smashing. Marvellous.
0:15:45 > 0:15:50I'll just tell Cameron you've arrived. Aaaah! New blood!
0:15:52 > 0:15:53And this is?
0:15:53 > 0:15:56Jack and Victor. Jack and Victor...
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Piblington.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00They're brothers.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03So that makes me Jack Piblington. The Piblington brothers.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06Unusual name. Piblington. Nothing wrong with that though.
0:16:06 > 0:16:12I once knew a man in the army called Snarklefoot. Jonathan Rice Edwards Snarklefoot.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Prick of a man.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17That's not to say that your stupid name makes you two pricks.
0:16:17 > 0:16:21Get these down you! Start as we mean to go on! Have you ever done any shooting before?
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Just at the fun fair.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27We've shot every creature on God's earth.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Safari men!
0:16:30 > 0:16:33Yes, we shot the lot. We even kicked a giraffe to death one time!
0:16:39 > 0:16:43Get yourselves down the gun room, gentlemen. Gear's all there. See you in half an hour!
0:16:48 > 0:16:54That's just called tomato juice, isn't it? No, there's a quarter bottle of vodka through that, Jack.
0:16:54 > 0:16:55Tally ho!
0:17:02 > 0:17:06Hey ho. This is the bollocks, intit?
0:17:06 > 0:17:09Ye, going to shoot the gun? No.
0:17:09 > 0:17:15How no'? I'm 75, Jack. I'm here for the grub and the drink.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17William Featherston.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Hello. Victor. I'm Jack, aye.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21You're with Pam and Liz? We are.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Smashin' girls. Yes.
0:17:23 > 0:17:30They were saying you have a place in Kenya? Ah yes, Kenya. Whereabouts?
0:17:30 > 0:17:31Kenya.
0:17:31 > 0:17:35Yes. Whereabouts in Kenya?
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Mombasa.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Yes, east of Mombasa.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43You have a place east of Mombasa?!
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Yes, very nice it is too.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Rolling hills as far as you can see.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50East of Mombasa?
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Bird in the air!
0:17:52 > 0:17:57Be my guest! No, you carry on. I insist. Go on.
0:17:57 > 0:17:58Go on.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Aaargh! No...
0:18:05 > 0:18:09He said, "Thanks for the theatre tickets."
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Theatre tickets?
0:18:12 > 0:18:14We're getting naewhere fast.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17Pull in the big guns. Isa? Aye, boys.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Jack and Victor are up to something.
0:18:22 > 0:18:26We cannae figure out what they're at. Gimme what you got. Tam, here,
0:18:26 > 0:18:30drove the boys to a big estate hoose in Blairtunnoch. Oh...
0:18:30 > 0:18:32They had suitcases with them. Aye.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Fancy cars in the drive. Right.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37And they made me drop them a good bit away from the hoose.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Then as a parting shot, what was it they said?
0:18:39 > 0:18:42Thanks for the theatre tickets.
0:18:42 > 0:18:48Well, I know they went to the theatre because Marie MacDonald fae the bakery
0:18:48 > 0:18:53saw them in the bar at the Citz talking to two well-heeled woman. Laffin and jokin' away.
0:18:53 > 0:18:57Noo, Jack and Victor go to the theatre and meet two snotty-nosed women
0:18:57 > 0:19:00cos it's aw they high-falutin types that go there.
0:19:00 > 0:19:07They women either have a big hoose or know someone that does and our boys have wangled an invite.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10And the suitcases. Big or wee?
0:19:10 > 0:19:14Wee. Well, that suggest an overnight stay.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18It wouldn't surprise me to find that they were making out they're toffs themselves.
0:19:18 > 0:19:19How so?
0:19:19 > 0:19:24Because they don't have a fancy car and they wouldnae want to be seen getting out an old van -
0:19:24 > 0:19:27that would show they didnae have two bob -
0:19:27 > 0:19:33so that is why you dropped them a good bit away from the hoose.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Jesus, Isa. You are good, I'll give ye that.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37It'll be a weekend of good livin'.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39And we're no' invited.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41We certainly are not!
0:19:41 > 0:19:44So we're sitting in a Chieftan tank three miles from the Suez -
0:19:44 > 0:19:49out of fuel, takin' heavy fire, absolute carnage everywhere -
0:19:49 > 0:19:52the entire village behind us on fire, completely surrounded.
0:19:52 > 0:19:57Who marches round the corner immaculately dressed but Dicky Farnborough
0:19:57 > 0:20:03holding a bottle of port shouting at the top of his lungs, "Where's the bloody party?!"
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Ooh!
0:20:09 > 0:20:10Excuse me just a moment.
0:20:13 > 0:20:17Victor, you must have some riotous tales from Kenya.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24Er, no.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27Nothing funny ever happened to me in Kenya.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31But Jack used to visit
0:20:31 > 0:20:33and when he did...
0:20:33 > 0:20:36that is when the funny things happened.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Jack.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43That's right.
0:20:43 > 0:20:49There was this one time I like to recall when Victor and I were on safari in Kenya
0:20:49 > 0:20:53and we were in the car - the Jeep, safari Jeep -
0:20:53 > 0:20:58and a big pile of monkeys came oot of nowhere and one wee monkey
0:20:58 > 0:21:05got hold of the aerial and snapped it aff and then ran away wi' it intae the jungle.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07It was some laugh. It was...
0:21:10 > 0:21:14This is all east of Mombasa, is it?! Yes.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17Was it a sea monkey?
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Sorry?
0:21:20 > 0:21:24It's just anything east of Mombasa must surely be the Indian Ocean?
0:21:26 > 0:21:29It is east, isn't it, Victor?
0:21:29 > 0:21:33I suppose it depends on which way you're pointing.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37Um...it could have been west.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39There you are then. Aye...
0:21:39 > 0:21:42a monkey snapped our aerial and ran out into the west.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45Sorry to interrupt, people.
0:21:45 > 0:21:51We have some more guests. This is Winston Halliberton Clegg and his wife Isabella.
0:21:51 > 0:21:57Their Bentleys ran into a ditch on the farm road and the bloody RAC can't get there till morning.
0:21:57 > 0:22:01It's a filthy night so I've asked them to join us for supper, if no-one minds. I don't mind.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03And this is... Sorry I didn't catch your name.
0:22:03 > 0:22:09I'm... This is Thomas. He's my...personal man.
0:22:09 > 0:22:13Set another two places. Thomas, grab yourself a sandwich in the servants' quarters.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15I don't mind sitting here with youse lot.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18Very good. Hardly(!)
0:22:28 > 0:22:33# There's a somebody I'm longing to see
0:22:33 > 0:22:40# I hope that he Turns out to be... #
0:22:40 > 0:22:43What the hell are youse playin at? The same thing you're playin at!
0:22:43 > 0:22:49Do you think we're gonnie sit in the manky Clansman while you're up here lording it up? We were invited!
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Youz two bastards are gatecrashers!
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Ah, shut up. It's just a laugh, intit?
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Wait till I tell the lassies at the bingo!
0:22:56 > 0:22:59Stop the music!
0:22:59 > 0:23:02Let's have a good old game of charades!
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Come on, Liz, you're first!
0:23:04 > 0:23:06All right.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09Come on everybody settle down.
0:23:09 > 0:23:14..that Lionel Blair fellow? Yes, with Una Stubbs.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16A book...
0:23:17 > 0:23:19ALL: Five words...
0:23:19 > 0:23:21ALL: First word...
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Away? Far, far, far.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27ALL: Fifth word...
0:23:27 > 0:23:29ALL: Sounds like...
0:23:29 > 0:23:31..shout. Shout? Loud.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Sounds like proud.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Ah, Far From The Madding Crowd!
0:23:39 > 0:23:41C'mon Winston! Have a go.
0:23:41 > 0:23:42All right, then.
0:23:51 > 0:23:57A film! We don't really do films. We stick to theatre or books.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00Ach, it's a book as well. Grand.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Come on.
0:24:02 > 0:24:06One word. Sounds like.
0:24:08 > 0:24:09Willy!
0:24:10 > 0:24:11Tadger.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14Dick. Strange couple.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Yes, I think they're new money.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Sounds like balls?
0:24:22 > 0:24:25Good god, man. What are you doing here?
0:24:25 > 0:24:28You should be in the quarters at the rear of the house.
0:24:28 > 0:24:32Thomas! What are you playing at?!
0:24:34 > 0:24:36You insubordinate dog!
0:24:36 > 0:24:37Stand over there!
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Now, repeat after me.
0:24:47 > 0:24:51Please forgive me, for I am a worthless idiot.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53Please forgive me for I am an idiot.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Worthless idiot!
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Worthless idiot. Steady on, old boy!
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Please, Cameron.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02This man is a servant.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06When a dug pishes the carpet you don't give it a biscuit, you rub its nose in it!
0:25:06 > 0:25:07Bend over.
0:25:09 > 0:25:13What? You heard me. Bend over.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Oww!
0:25:32 > 0:25:36- Oh, dear. - What's wrong? - It's a bit of bad news, really.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39Something's been stolen.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42You've been burgled?
0:25:42 > 0:25:48I'm not sure. A small painting of my grandmother. It's dear to us. It was painted by Sir John Lavery.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50I'm afraid I'm going to have to call the police.
0:25:50 > 0:25:55I imagine there'll be questions.
0:26:00 > 0:26:04This has put a dampener on everything. I mean, who...?
0:26:04 > 0:26:10Right. That's it. I'm outta here. This is turnin' into bloody Cluedo. Tam, have you stole that painting?
0:26:10 > 0:26:13Indeed I have not! And I've had ma arse kicked for nothing!
0:26:13 > 0:26:16Right, Jack, Victor. Are you comin'?
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Coming where?
0:26:18 > 0:26:21This is preposterous! Who are you?
0:26:21 > 0:26:23Ye can drap they plummy voices.
0:26:23 > 0:26:28The polis'll be here and they're gonna find out we're no toffs but a pile of rubbish fae Craiglang.
0:26:28 > 0:26:34We'll get the blame of that painting even though we've never took it. He's right.
0:26:41 > 0:26:42Oh, shit!
0:26:45 > 0:26:49Haw! Where are you going?
0:26:49 > 0:26:55Listen, guys. I cannae be here when the busies arrive I've got previous for this.
0:26:55 > 0:26:59I'll get 18 months shoved up ma arse. Gie that to me.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04You're some piece of work, you.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Givin' it to us tight about Kenya!
0:27:06 > 0:27:13Nae wonder. I can spot a nae user like masel a mile off. Right. He's no stole anything noo, has he?
0:27:16 > 0:27:18So...oot the windae!
0:27:26 > 0:27:29Listen, we're really, really sorry.
0:27:29 > 0:27:33We've told a lot of lies to impress ye.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36We've actually no' got two bob.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39We're fae Craiglang. We came here in a Transit van.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Is it still oot there?
0:27:41 > 0:27:44You could gie us a lift.
0:27:44 > 0:27:45We're fae Parkmill.
0:27:45 > 0:27:46We've no' got two bob either.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59DOGS BARKING
0:28:02 > 0:28:05Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
0:28:34 > 0:28:36DOORBELL RINGS
0:28:46 > 0:28:48I am Prince Navid-Fariq.
0:28:48 > 0:28:52The horse drawing our carriage became lame and we had to shoot it.
0:28:52 > 0:28:53We were wondering if...
0:28:54 > 0:28:56Shite!