0:00:00 > 0:00:00Right, give this a wee go.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Hello? Hello?
0:00:52 > 0:00:55No, I'm outside the cab.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57No, cos you get the jail for talking on the phone now.
0:00:57 > 0:01:02It's dangerous. Safety first wi' me, Davie boy.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05I dunno. Parkmill, I think.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Nah, that's me done. Eh?
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Aye.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12What, tonight?
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Aye, a couple of pints.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Nae problem. Good.
0:01:17 > 0:01:18BOOM!
0:01:18 > 0:01:20No!
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Right, Mr Douglas, that's you.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32Just sign here.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34There ye are.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Thank very much. You're very welcome.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39So, are you happy? Happy with what?
0:01:39 > 0:01:42Yer removal. Very happy, aye.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Oh, aye. Aye.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48Let's see what I've got here.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Does that look like a Ferrari to you?
0:01:54 > 0:01:57Eh? Or an Aston Martin? Or a Lamborghini? No, it's a...
0:01:57 > 0:01:59..disabled buggy, that's right.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Sling yer hook, ya gormless bastard.
0:02:01 > 0:02:02Put yer money away.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Thanks, Winston.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08For the day, an' that. Eh? Oh, no, no.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10It's me that should be thanking you.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14It's all good news having a friendly face doon the stair fae ye, y'know.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16The last guy was an utter arsehole.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20See that damp patch up there on the ceiling?
0:02:20 > 0:02:21Aye.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23That was me.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26The bastard gave me a pile of snash on the landing one day,
0:02:26 > 0:02:29so I filled the bath, put the plug in and went oot.
0:02:29 > 0:02:30I'll bet that showed him.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Aye, it showed him.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36That'll need to be painted, Winston.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40Aye. Don't worry, I'll dae it.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Right, here's what we'll do.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44We'll catch a bit of the racing,
0:02:44 > 0:02:48then I'll start emptying some of these boxes.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Right, a wee toast.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53To new neighbours.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56This is gonna be smashin'.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Here. Use these.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08You takin' them oot the remote control?
0:03:08 > 0:03:12Aye, why not? And how are we gonna watch the telly? There isnae any telly!
0:03:12 > 0:03:14We've nae power, ya clown! Oh, aye.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19Right, give this a wee go.
0:03:23 > 0:03:24STATIC CRACKLES
0:03:24 > 0:03:28'..knocking out the power supply to Parkmill, Craiglang and Carnvale.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30'A spokesman from Scottish Electricity
0:03:30 > 0:03:32'said they are doing everything in their power
0:03:32 > 0:03:35'to reinstate the electricity supply to these areas.'
0:03:35 > 0:03:37"Everything in their power"!
0:03:37 > 0:03:39'They were unsure of how long this would take,
0:03:39 > 0:03:41'as the damage was quite significant.
0:03:41 > 0:03:45'Edinburgh Zoo are proud to announce the birth of two new babies!
0:03:45 > 0:03:46'Two new koala bears, that is.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48'Mother and...' Is that it?
0:03:48 > 0:03:51How did it happen? When did it happen? How long's it aff fer?
0:03:51 > 0:03:54Bloody news, by Christ! Hey, boys!
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Isa?
0:03:56 > 0:03:57The whole scheme's oot!
0:03:57 > 0:04:02Some fella drove his lorry into the substation this morning, half past ten.
0:04:02 > 0:04:06Peggy's brother works for the leccy. H's saying it could be off for a week.
0:04:06 > 0:04:10You get more information oot your letterbox than you do oot this tranny.
0:04:10 > 0:04:11Incredible, isn't it?
0:04:14 > 0:04:18Weather? Rain this afternoon, but we should have a clear night.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Traffic? How do you mean?
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Is there any congestion at Charing Cross at the M8 cut-off?
0:04:23 > 0:04:28How would I know? Well, unless you've got a bloody helicopter, you're nae use to us. Thank you.
0:04:28 > 0:04:29Charming(!)
0:04:34 > 0:04:36I'm freezing. Gonnae put the fire on?
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Aye, put it on full blast.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Nae power!
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Oh, Jesus.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Och, well, this is dire.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Apart from a couple of tins of soup an' half a loaf, I've got nothing in.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50It's not a blizzard.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54We'll just stock up. We'll get candles, batteries - provisions and that.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57Mm. They'll be at the panic-buyin' at Navid's.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Aye. All the shitebag merchants buyin' stuff they don't need.
0:05:00 > 0:05:04"Gimme six loaves, 12 pints of milk and all yer Brillo pads,
0:05:04 > 0:05:07"cos ye cannae get enough Brillo pads in a blackout"!
0:05:07 > 0:05:10Mm. Maybe we should get doon there, eh?
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Aye. Aye. Quick cup of tea first?
0:05:13 > 0:05:14I'll stick the kettle....
0:05:15 > 0:05:18VICTOR CHUCKLES
0:05:22 > 0:05:26The whole estate's oot. Some guy ran his truck into the back of the substation.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29Probably steaming drunk.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31You've picked a cracking day to move in, Joe.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Nae electricity. Aye.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36At least you're not as bad as the high flats, eh?
0:05:36 > 0:05:39They're all electric. I liked the high flats.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43I don't know if I've done the right thing moving in low down. Eh?
0:05:43 > 0:05:45That's how they moved ye.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48The flats is nae place for a man in your position.
0:05:48 > 0:05:54Come on noo, they've built you that concrete ramp and you've got all yer low-doon light switches.
0:05:54 > 0:05:59They don't work, but. They don't work noo, but they will do. Aye.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02I wonder how long it's gonna be aff for? I'm worried about my chair.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05I never thought about that.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08Ye've tae charge that up. Aye.
0:06:08 > 0:06:14Well, I'll just sit here, and I'll only use it if I really need tae. Aye.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Aye, good call.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19Listen you, Joe,
0:06:19 > 0:06:21you've landed on yer feet here, pardon the pun.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24I mean, I'm only up the stair, you know.
0:06:24 > 0:06:29If there's anything you're needing, whenever you're needing it, all you have to do is shout.
0:06:29 > 0:06:33Or better still, just do this.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42I'll plaster that an' then I'll paint it.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Aye. Drunk driver.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Driving a lorry oot his mind right into the substation. You don't say.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Now, have ye any Brillo pads? Naw.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53I'll take 18 rolls. Nae rolls.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56I'll take four loaves? Look around you, love.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58This shop is like Russia.
0:06:58 > 0:07:03I've got Marigold gloves, butter beans and as much pineappleade as you want.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Clock is ticking.
0:07:07 > 0:07:08I have to rush you.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10I'll take the beans and the gloves.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Congratulations! She's gone for the beans and the gloves!
0:07:13 > 0:07:15You've been a great contestant!
0:07:15 > 0:07:18And thank you for playing Panic Buy.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23How you doing, Navid? One second, Jack.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Anybody for pineappleade?
0:07:26 > 0:07:28GRUMBLING
0:07:29 > 0:07:33Where's Meena the day, Navid? Down the cash and carry, running about like a blue-arsed fly.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36I suppose it's pointless asking for bread.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40You'd think so. But as, er, valued customers,
0:07:40 > 0:07:43you are privy to Navid's private stock.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46There you go.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49That's great, Navid.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Ten pound. Whit?!
0:07:51 > 0:07:52For two loaves?
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Look at you. I'm only pulling yer pisser.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Look at your wee faces! ?1.80.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Ten quid.
0:08:03 > 0:08:04That's more like it.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07Er, two loaves, Navid. Oh, no' you an' all?
0:08:07 > 0:08:09What? Panic buying. Behaving like an arsehole.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13What ya gonna do, Winston, ya greedy bastard? Eat two loaves?
0:08:13 > 0:08:15One's for me, the other one's for Joe.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Oh, Joe in the chair? Aye.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Carry on then. Thank you very much(!)
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Coming for a pint? Aye!
0:08:25 > 0:08:28That's Meena back fae the cash and carry, there, Navid.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35AIR HORN
0:08:35 > 0:08:39Supplies!
0:08:47 > 0:08:50Oh, look who it is - Huey, Dewey and Louie.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Who? The Disney characters.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Oh, right, aye.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Well, get us three pints, ya goofy bastard!
0:08:58 > 0:08:59Bottles only. Pump's off.
0:09:01 > 0:09:02Tam, Shug. Hey, Eck.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Right, I'm gonna have a go at the puggy. Aye, aye.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Puggy's off.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Ye nearly there yet, Shug? Gies a minute, will ye?
0:09:12 > 0:09:14You want another beer, mate? Nah. That's me.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19Shug and I'll take a couple of bottles of beer, Boaby.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Four quid. There's a fiver.
0:09:22 > 0:09:26Hear what happened at the power station? Aye. A lorry driver ran intae it and humped it.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29No, no, no, no, no. Cock-eyed with the drugs, he was.
0:09:29 > 0:09:34The polis were chasing for miles. He was shoutin' and bawlin' oot the windae. Lost control of the lorry.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Boof. Lights out.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Aye, it's grim, innit?
0:09:38 > 0:09:40It's no' that bad. Saves yer meter running up a bill.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42There's money to be saved in a power cut.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45Aye, well, no' in here there's no'.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47That's no' a fiver, Tam.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49That's a DRAWING of a fiver.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53Nearly. Nearly.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57This is good fun. We should just camp here, get pished!
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Aye. We'll hole up. It's like a bunker.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02It's like the war. Aye.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05It's a war, all right. A war of wits.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08And we havenae seen the worst of it yet.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Aye, blackouts is bad times,
0:10:10 > 0:10:13especially for a shitehole like Craiglang.
0:10:13 > 0:10:17I've seen it in the Army, when we used to go intae places,
0:10:17 > 0:10:19places that had been flattened.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21Nae power, nae phones.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Everything knocked oot.
0:10:25 > 0:10:30It doesn't take much for an ordered society to descend into chaos.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Even those that walk the straight and narrow
0:10:32 > 0:10:38are tempted to behave uncharacteristically under cover of darkness, taking advantage.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Looting. Stealing. Mugging.
0:10:41 > 0:10:46All aided by the fact that naebody can see what they're up to in the dark.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Gie it a rest! Bloody Bela Lugosi!
0:10:50 > 0:10:51No, I'm telling you.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53You can sneer all you like.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56But the best thing you can all do is go back to your hooses,
0:10:56 > 0:11:00lock your doors and wait it out in safety because that's what I'll be doing.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Right. CRACKLING
0:11:02 > 0:11:05ALL: Hooray!
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Here, Winston.
0:11:07 > 0:11:12Away and shut that door in case any "bad people" come in!
0:11:12 > 0:11:13CHUCKLING Whooo!
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Where's ma charity bottle?
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Where's the guy with the hat?
0:11:27 > 0:11:32See in all the time you've lived in Craiglang, have you ever felt in danger,
0:11:32 > 0:11:37like life-threatening danger? Naw.
0:11:37 > 0:11:38You? Naw.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40No' really, naw.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42We've lived all our life in Craiglang.
0:11:42 > 0:11:47You get to know a place, the areas an' that and people to avoid.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Aye. Ye get street smart.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Aye. Shug - "Lock your doors.
0:11:52 > 0:11:56"Don't go oot." He still thinks he's in the bloody Army.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00Y'see, Jack, I think that people are essentially good.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04Just because we live in a slum doesnae mean we're scumbags.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Aye, but I can see where he's coming from.
0:12:06 > 0:12:11But he's talking aboot hellholes and war situations and lawlessness, y'know?
0:12:11 > 0:12:14The electricity's off for a couple of days. It's nae big deal.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17It's no' a state of emergency, for God's sake.
0:12:17 > 0:12:18We've still got the police.
0:12:30 > 0:12:34Hey-ho, Joe. Ah, Winston.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Did you get me ma loaf? I have, aye.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40Good. Bloody starving.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Have ye no' had anything tae eat?
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Aye, I've a tin of salmon, but I'd nothing to put it on.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Sorry, Joe. I didn't know.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50D'you want me to make ye a sandwich? Aye. Could ye?
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Aye. Where's yer salmon? Is it in the cupboard?
0:12:52 > 0:12:55No. It's in that box. The one marked "kitchen".
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Which box? At the bottom there.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Hrrrngh... Aaaah!
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Shite!
0:13:15 > 0:13:17This is quite tricky.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Ach!
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Can we no' just play a game of Monopoly?
0:13:21 > 0:13:23No.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Have you got Scrabble?
0:13:25 > 0:13:27I don't like Scrabble. I hate it.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29You must have a deck of cards.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Come on, will ye play the bloody game? Right...
0:13:32 > 0:13:34BUZZING Oh, ya bastard!
0:13:34 > 0:13:38That's the funny bone. I knew that would hump you! This is stupid, Jack.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Ye cannae operate in the dark!
0:13:43 > 0:13:46BUZZING Aah, for f... Mebbe you're right.
0:13:46 > 0:13:52SCREAM Oh, my God! Jack! Victor!
0:13:58 > 0:14:00I've been broke intae!
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Christ, Isa, so you have.
0:14:14 > 0:14:18Winston?
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Winston!
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Winston! For God's sake!
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Yes, Joe?
0:14:24 > 0:14:26I'm in the toilet. C'mere.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38OK, Joe, what do you need?
0:14:39 > 0:14:40Toilet roll.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44It's in one of they boxes, I think.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Right.
0:14:46 > 0:14:51Oh, and you couldnae dae us a bowl of cornflakes, could ye? Cornflakes? Aye.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Ach, it doesnae matter. I've nae milk.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55I'll get ye milk.
0:14:57 > 0:15:01The stupid thing is I was doonstairs checking Sadie was awright.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04Meanwhile, some bugger's up ransackin' ma hoose!
0:15:04 > 0:15:06I was lucky, but, Peggy. They never got my handbag.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09I had that wi' me. Well, that's something, at least.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Aye, see, you're vulnerable, hen.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14Up there alone. At least I've a man to protect me.
0:15:14 > 0:15:18Haw, where's the crisps and nuts, ya useless bastard?
0:15:18 > 0:15:23Get yer arse back tae that bar or so help me, I'll set about ye right now in front of Isa!
0:15:23 > 0:15:26I heard was it was a disengruntled employee who was sacked.
0:15:26 > 0:15:31He's loaded himself up with drink and drugs, took the works van, drove all through the city,
0:15:31 > 0:15:35smashing into cars as he went, polis chasing him,
0:15:35 > 0:15:39driver screaming his head aff, intae the power station. Bang.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Darkness. Eh?
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Aye, OK. That's a fish supper.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48Breaded, not battered. Right. OK.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Ye want salt on the chips but no' on the fish. Right, OK.
0:15:51 > 0:15:56Vinegar, aye. Right, just on the fish. Sauce?
0:15:56 > 0:15:59On both?
0:15:59 > 0:16:00You want sauce just on the chips?
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Right, OK, Joe. Bye. Uh-huh.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05And a pickled onion. Aye. Bye!
0:16:07 > 0:16:10What's that aboot? Jeezo.
0:16:10 > 0:16:11He's a hell of a nice guy, Joe,
0:16:11 > 0:16:14but I've been runnin' aboot daft after him.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16I got him his loaf and I plastered the ceiling,
0:16:16 > 0:16:19then this morning I was oot getting him his milk,
0:16:19 > 0:16:20put his line on at the bookies.
0:16:20 > 0:16:24I finally get for a bit of me time and he wants me to go and get fish and chips.
0:16:24 > 0:16:29So that's me on a bus to the High Street cos the chippie here's got nae power. Aye.
0:16:29 > 0:16:33And ye cannae say anything cos he's in the chair.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36Aye. He's a...
0:16:36 > 0:16:39No, you cannot. That's Wullie Graham's place been tanned. Eh?
0:16:39 > 0:16:40Billy Hutchins' an awe.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43And Navid's had his windae put in.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45He's gutted. He'd just restocked the place too.
0:16:45 > 0:16:49And they've took everything? Everything except the pineappleade.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Aya, a crime wave right enough.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Well, hats off, Shug, you were right.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Aye, I was right.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59And so it will continue as long as the leccy's aff.
0:16:59 > 0:17:04We're sitting targets here. What are ye supposed to bloody dae?
0:17:04 > 0:17:05Be ready.
0:17:07 > 0:17:11What's all that, Shug? Protection.
0:17:11 > 0:17:12There we go.
0:17:12 > 0:17:17Er, take this little baby, for example. The Tazer.
0:17:17 > 0:17:2170,000 volts. Blammo! End of threat.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23That's illegal, that is.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26Only if you're caught with it. Have you no' got something else?
0:17:26 > 0:17:30Well, if you want to go low-tech,
0:17:30 > 0:17:33I call this the "smash and stab".
0:17:33 > 0:17:37Even the very sight of this is enough to make somebody shite theirselves, eh?
0:17:40 > 0:17:42A simple sock.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44What damage is that gonna dae?
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Unless it belongs to Pete the Jakey!
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Bottle o' beer, Boaby.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Jesus, Shug! Is that no' a bit brutal?
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Brutal times, Victor, brutal times.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59You've got to protect yourself, Boaby, eh?
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Oh, aye. I'm sorted.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06It's these bastards oot there we're wantin' in the jail, no' us.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09Oof! That's the boy for me.
0:18:09 > 0:18:10Awright.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14What about this, eh? Oh, aye. Whit's that? Acid, noo?
0:18:14 > 0:18:15No, no. You've seen it the movies.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18The robbers open the case of stolen money.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Wee device goes aff. Bang!
0:18:21 > 0:18:23They're covered in ink.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Indelible ink. That's them caught.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29Caught? How? This shite doesnae wash aff, no' for months.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33If somebody's trying to turn you over, break into your hoose,
0:18:33 > 0:18:37you scoosh this on them and that's them got the mark of Kane.
0:18:37 > 0:18:41Police see them in the street that's them identified, lifted.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44Aye. That's more like it, Shug.
0:18:44 > 0:18:48We don't wanna kill anyone. There you go.
0:18:48 > 0:18:49Quite right.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51Two pounds, Tam.
0:18:51 > 0:18:55Now, that's what I was gonna say to you, Boaby.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57I've no' lifted...
0:18:57 > 0:18:59I've no' lifted ma...
0:19:00 > 0:19:01Two pounds, Tam.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09Joe?
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Joe, it's me, Joe. Is that you, Winston?
0:19:11 > 0:19:15Aye? Where are you? Here.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17God, what a fright ye gied me!
0:19:17 > 0:19:21Was that you trying to get in a couple of minutes ago?
0:19:21 > 0:19:23A couple of minutes ago? No.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25There was some bastard trying ma door.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28GLASS SHATTERS
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Aye, ya bastard! Run!
0:19:43 > 0:19:47And ye'll need to stick that haun up yer arse, cos the next time I see it, ye've had it!
0:19:54 > 0:19:56There we go.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Victor?
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Victor!
0:20:04 > 0:20:07Victor? Where are you?
0:20:07 > 0:20:11Oh, Jesus! What ye doin'? Sssh.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14WHISPERS: There's somebody oot there.
0:20:14 > 0:20:15On the landing?
0:20:25 > 0:20:27Look through the peephole.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30It's pitch-black! Hold on a minute.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Shine that over here.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37No, doon here!
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Right, after three, you open the door. Right.
0:20:48 > 0:20:53One...two...THREE!
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Aaaaaah!
0:20:56 > 0:20:58That's me bloody done helping anybody.
0:20:58 > 0:21:03All I was doing was checking his door to make sure it was locked. Then this!
0:21:03 > 0:21:07I thought when an old biddy got a blue rinse, it was just for the hair.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Very funny(!)
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Och, it's no' so bad. You look like, er...
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Christ, who is it? DOOR OPENS
0:21:14 > 0:21:17Och, you know. Ya pair of halfwits!
0:21:17 > 0:21:19We were on edge, Isa! Aye.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Your place had just been done!
0:21:21 > 0:21:25Aye, it could have been anybody at the door. Aye, but it wasnae anybody. It was me!
0:21:25 > 0:21:28I have scrubbed and scrubbed at it!
0:21:28 > 0:21:31I don't know how long I'm gonnae be like this. Four or five weeks.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Well, that's marvellous(!) Braveheart!
0:21:34 > 0:21:36You look like Mel Gibson!
0:21:37 > 0:21:42"They can take our lives, but they'll never take ma handbag!"
0:21:53 > 0:21:54There ye go, love.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57That's impregnable.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Naebody's comin' through that door without your say-so.
0:22:00 > 0:22:04And that's a freebie for the inky face? Aye.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07Right, well, thanks, Shug.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Sssh! What's that?
0:22:10 > 0:22:12I didnae hear anything. Shhh!
0:22:23 > 0:22:26FOOTSTEPS
0:22:30 > 0:22:34Who's this gonnae be? It's no' gonnae be the postie at this time of night, is it?
0:22:34 > 0:22:38It could just be somebody goin' up to their flat. I mean, the lift's aff.
0:22:38 > 0:22:39They've stopped.
0:22:39 > 0:22:44Do you want me to go and get that inky thing? No, no. No' this time.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Right.
0:22:46 > 0:22:47Put oot the torches.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53ELECTRIC SURGE Ohhhhh!
0:22:53 > 0:22:54Stand back!
0:22:55 > 0:22:59Oh, shite! Andy! Andy! You awright?
0:22:59 > 0:23:02What happened? One of these old guys Tazered you.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04What are you doing with a bloody Tazer?
0:23:04 > 0:23:07We've got to protect ourselves. Not with a Tazer ye don't!
0:23:07 > 0:23:09They're illegal, as well you know.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12You'll have to be charged with this.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Youse - in the hoose.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Right, youse, follow me.
0:23:20 > 0:23:24Where do you live? I'm in there, son.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27Oh! They've got them on again.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30Right, away in the hoose and get yourself a cup of tea.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32I'll need to interview you in a minute.
0:23:34 > 0:23:35In you go.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Hello? Hello?
0:23:40 > 0:23:41Is that Craiglang police station?
0:23:41 > 0:23:43It's Jack, Victor and Shug!
0:23:43 > 0:23:46Shug's no frae this address, he doesn't live here.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48The police are here, except they're no' polis!
0:23:48 > 0:23:53One of them's got a blue hand cos Shug gave Jack, Victor and Winston a turkey baster full of ink.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56That's why I've got a blue face. What was that bit?
0:23:56 > 0:23:57You've got a blue FACE?
0:23:57 > 0:24:01How did you get a blue face?
0:24:01 > 0:24:02You know what?
0:24:02 > 0:24:06Never mind. Phone us back when ye've dried oot.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09What was that, John?
0:24:09 > 0:24:10Junkie.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Blue face!
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Oh...
0:24:16 > 0:24:18Oh, come on.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Come on, pick up. Oh, pick up!
0:24:20 > 0:24:23So will I be getting charged?
0:24:25 > 0:24:28Course you're no' getting charged, ya dozy old bastard.
0:24:28 > 0:24:32That is good of you, considering what happened to you, son. You must have got a hell of a scare.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Jack, look at his hand.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Oh, my God.
0:24:36 > 0:24:41Now, that is a criminal offence, impersonating a police officer. I think they're past that stage.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44Who lives in the hoose across the landing? I do.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Keys.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52Sit doon. Sit doon!
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Wallets and watches.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00There y'are. Ta.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06Ta. Magic!
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Now, you - wedding ring. Eh?
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Oh, that's stuck there.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12I've never had it off.
0:25:12 > 0:25:16It'll no'... It'll no'... Oh, there it is there. Ta.
0:25:24 > 0:25:25C'mon!
0:25:25 > 0:25:27let's get out of here!
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Aye. Get lost, ya couple of lousy bastards!
0:25:29 > 0:25:33The minute you're away, we're gonnae phone the REAL bloody polis.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44That was the right thing to say(!)
0:25:45 > 0:25:48C'mon, what ye daein'?
0:25:48 > 0:25:50I'm lockin' these old duffers in!
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Oh, it's the boys in blue.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Ye goin' doon? In ye come.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Thanks.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10That's good the electricity's back on, eh?
0:26:10 > 0:26:11Er, aye.
0:26:14 > 0:26:18Ye must've been right busy the last few nights with the power being off.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Aye. Busy.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24Aye, youse do a grand job, youse boys.
0:26:25 > 0:26:29Cos you really get the fear when you get to my age.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Stuck in this chair.
0:26:32 > 0:26:36In the hoose alone, vulnerable.
0:26:37 > 0:26:43I mean, well, anybody could come to the door.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46You never know when you're gonnae get smacked over the heid.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Cos then ye'd be snookered.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24Aye, ex-employee.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Sets about the gaffer. The gaffer loses an eye.
0:27:26 > 0:27:31Then the boy steals an 18-wheel articulated lorry and fires right into the town with it.
0:27:31 > 0:27:36And he mows down three pensioners standing outside the Viking Bar having a smoke. We knew two of them.
0:27:36 > 0:27:41Then he takes the artic into the park, where he stops momentarily to hit up with junk.
0:27:41 > 0:27:45By the time he arrives at the substation, he's got eight cop cars and a helicopter in tow.
0:27:45 > 0:27:49He leaps oot the lorry with a gun and starts picking off ex-colleagues.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51Blam! Blam! Blam! Seven of them bought it.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54That's a wee bit of exaggeration. It was only actually six.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57Aye, six. Well, unbelievable, eh?
0:27:57 > 0:27:58Aye, unbelievable.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02Right. Good.
0:28:02 > 0:28:07Everyone, to Winston, for saving our necks. Aye, Winston.
0:28:07 > 0:28:11Hold on. If Isa hadn't've phoned me, I wouldnae have known what was going on.
0:28:11 > 0:28:13Oh, right, OK, well... Well, to Isa. Oh, hold on.
0:28:13 > 0:28:15Have you not got a drink, love? No.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17Boaby. Get us a Blue Nun, will ye?