0:00:00 > 0:00:01HE LAUGHS Aye! "So it's the tenth round and I'm going in for the kill. Eh?
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Are you telling us who it is? Naw.
0:00:41 > 0:00:42You'll see in a minute.
0:00:42 > 0:00:46It'll be a naebody. It's always a naebody.
0:00:46 > 0:00:47Who did we get last year?
0:00:47 > 0:00:50It was that tit out of Big Brother.
0:00:50 > 0:00:54Big Arthur set about him cos he smashed the bottle and naebody knew who he was. That's right.
0:00:54 > 0:00:58Then we had to apologise cause he was "The Celebrity".
0:00:58 > 0:01:03Celebrity my hole. He was papped out of Big Brother after a week for being a creepy bastard.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06What field of celebrity is this person fae?
0:01:06 > 0:01:07Sport.
0:01:07 > 0:01:11It's either Jocky Wilson or that ugly bastard, what do ye call him?
0:01:11 > 0:01:14Duncan Goodhew? Naw. No baldy.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Useless, stupid face, man.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19Fatima Whitbread. Close. Skier!
0:01:19 > 0:01:23Eddie the Eagle. Aye, that's him. Get it up ye. I'm ootae here.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26No, no. It's better than that.
0:01:26 > 0:01:30We're talking world class here.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Michael Schumacher? Aye, that's right.
0:01:32 > 0:01:39He took the slip road fae Monte Carlo into Craiglang. Right, last clue. Boxer.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Boxer?
0:01:42 > 0:01:44You better hope it's no Mike Tyson, Shug!
0:01:44 > 0:01:48With them bloody ears, he'll think Boabby's laid on a buffet!
0:01:48 > 0:01:49No, not Mike Tyson.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Jim Watt.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Well done, Winston. How'd you get that?
0:01:53 > 0:01:56He's outside parkin' his motor.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Ladies and Gentlemen...
0:02:01 > 0:02:07Please welcome, light weight world champion, Mr Jim Watt!
0:02:07 > 0:02:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:10 > 0:02:15Hello, Jim. Nice to meet ye. We thought ye'd be an arsehole. You what?
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Boabby always gets an arsehole for charity things, but you're not one.
0:02:18 > 0:02:23Thanks very much. A few of you look like you could lose a few pounds!
0:02:23 > 0:02:24THEY LAUGH
0:02:24 > 0:02:27These are passes for my gym over at Shawbank.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31It's never too late to start looking after yourselves!
0:02:31 > 0:02:33ALL MUTTER AGREEMENT
0:02:35 > 0:02:36So, where's this bottle?
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Any chance of a quick photo?
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Aye, nae bother. Alec...
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Sorry, Michelle, love. I left a message on yer machine.
0:02:52 > 0:02:57I got Jim Watt. Right. Nae bother. SHE SIGHS
0:03:00 > 0:03:01Aye, nice fella.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Aye, he wasnae in a hurry to rush off either.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Stayed for a couple of drinks. Never bought a round but.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Miserable bastard. Aye, he's a miserable bastard.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13"Ooh, I'm the great Jim Watt, I've to get a drink for nothing!"
0:03:13 > 0:03:17HE LAUGHS Aye! "So it's the tenth round and I'm going in for the kill. Eh?
0:03:17 > 0:03:21Aye, Large Vodka and Coke, smashing. THEY LAUGH
0:03:21 > 0:03:23What's that? I don't know.
0:03:23 > 0:03:24Isa?
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Hello, boys. What's happening here?
0:03:27 > 0:03:30It's gonnae be a pizza shop. Int it lovely?
0:03:30 > 0:03:33A pizza shop? In Craiglang? Aye. They've got one in the High Street.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36Their pizzas are smashin'.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38I remember, one night... That's plenty.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41That's quite encouraging. What do you make of that?
0:03:41 > 0:03:45I thought we'd seen the last of the takeaways when the Chinese fella left.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47HE LAUGHS He never left, Jack.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50He pumped Chaz Taylor's wife and got ran out of town. That's right!
0:03:50 > 0:03:54She was ordering Chinese food every night for aboot six months before he tippled.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57The weans were aw blew up like balloons!
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Ye ever had pizza?
0:03:59 > 0:04:02Naw, only that deep fried shite out the chippy with grease runnin' out.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05Aye, he's a shit monger.
0:04:05 > 0:04:09Deep fried haggis, black pudding and wee ratty bits of fish covered in batter.
0:04:09 > 0:04:14Aye. Black chips... Ah well, this'll put the wind up him.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17He's been getting away wi' murder for years.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20That's what you want, quality Italian food.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Any pizza on the go, son? No, not till tomorrow.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27Chippy? Aye, chippy.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Go, Spacehopper, go. Feel it!
0:04:30 > 0:04:33TV: Spacehopper and Velvet Spark neck and neck as they go towards
0:04:33 > 0:04:37the finish and it's Velvet Spark by a head from Spacehopper in second...
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Dear God. What have I got to do to get a win?
0:04:48 > 0:04:49Oooh, Spacehopper let you down?
0:04:49 > 0:04:55Ach, well. Ye'll just have to bounce over to the post office, bounce back here and back another loser!
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Ye b...
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Here, Winston! Be sure and come back mind!
0:05:15 > 0:05:18There's a horse called Fat Twat running at 3:15!
0:05:18 > 0:05:20HE LAUGHS
0:05:20 > 0:05:21SHE LAUGHS
0:05:21 > 0:05:22Hi.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28There you go. Thanks.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Hello! Boabby..
0:05:37 > 0:05:39What? I'm Boabby.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Right. I'm Stacey.
0:05:41 > 0:05:42Nice to meet you.
0:05:45 > 0:05:51I'm Boabby. You're, er... Stacey.
0:05:52 > 0:05:53I'm Boabby.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57This is new.... Yep.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Right.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04I'll take a pizza. What size would you like?
0:06:04 > 0:06:08Your biggest one. 18 inches? Yes. Excellent.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10That's a pretty big pizza.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Not for me. I love pizza.
0:06:13 > 0:06:17I probably eat it... I dunno, once a week.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19What do you want on it?
0:06:19 > 0:06:22When it comes to pizza, I like it all...
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Except onions...
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Or mushrooms...
0:06:30 > 0:06:31Or the bits of sausage you see.
0:06:31 > 0:06:36I'm not mad for tomatoes. No a lot of cheese. Goes for me.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40So what you're sayin' is, you don't like pizza?
0:06:40 > 0:06:42No, no really.
0:06:42 > 0:06:46I don't bother with them either. You've got to watch your weight.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48I'm into that, too.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50I go to the gym and work out.
0:06:50 > 0:06:54Big time. Oh, aye. Yeah. Never out of the old, erm...Shaw...
0:06:56 > 0:07:00..Bank gym. That's the one I go to.
0:07:00 > 0:07:01I haven't seen you there.
0:07:01 > 0:07:06I actually tore a ligament a couple of weeks back there.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08It's better now.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10I'm gonna go back, eh...
0:07:13 > 0:07:15When are you next...?
0:07:15 > 0:07:18SHE LAUGHS Tomorrow night.
0:07:18 > 0:07:23Yeah? That's when I'm going back. Tomorrow night. I'll see you there.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Listen...
0:07:25 > 0:07:29I've got the pub round the corner so if you're ever in for a drink...
0:07:29 > 0:07:31I might do that.
0:07:32 > 0:07:38Yes, sir? Now, don't tell me they're keeping a beauty like you in here morning, noon and night.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40No, I'm just days.
0:07:40 > 0:07:41Roberto works at night.
0:07:41 > 0:07:49What can I get you? Lemme have the thin crust Romano Quattro Formaggio
0:07:49 > 0:07:52with the tomato sliced extra thin, please,
0:07:52 > 0:07:57and give the whole thing a light dusting of Parmesan.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59There's a fella who knows what he wants.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01HE LAUGHS
0:08:04 > 0:08:06A Hawaiian. What's on a Hawaiian?
0:08:06 > 0:08:11# She lives on just coconuts and fish from the sea... #
0:08:11 > 0:08:14Is it fish and coconuts? No.
0:08:14 > 0:08:20Hawaii 5-0. 50 toppings? You wouldn't be able to lift that, Jack.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23Yer way out. Ham and pineapple.
0:08:23 > 0:08:24Eurgh. Pineapple?
0:08:24 > 0:08:29On a pizza? That's no right. Gies another one. Margarita.
0:08:29 > 0:08:34Is that not a drink? Boabby, what's in a Margherita?
0:08:34 > 0:08:38Erm...Tequila and lime.
0:08:38 > 0:08:39Oh, no.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41A pizza that gets ye pished? No.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44Cheese and tomato. That's all it is.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48I wonder if they sell it by the slice - save ye buyin' a whole yin.
0:08:48 > 0:08:52Here we go. "Why not build your own?" Choose any topping you want.
0:08:52 > 0:08:56Boabby, what would you have on a pizza? I'd have the lassie that's in the shop on it.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Nae cheese, nae tomato. Just tits.
0:08:59 > 0:09:03Very nice(!) Very David Niven.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06She's a cracker though. A faint heart never won fair maiden.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08I'm gonnie make a move.
0:09:08 > 0:09:12Dressed like that? Who are you supposed to be? Rocky Arseano?!
0:09:12 > 0:09:17No. Sugar Ray Loner. THEY LAUGH
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Wank Bruno. Oh! APPLAUSE
0:09:20 > 0:09:26Get it up yis. Eric, you're in charge.
0:09:26 > 0:09:27I'll see yis later.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Hi, Stacey. Hi, Boabby. You just starting?
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Just warming up, aye.
0:09:50 > 0:09:51Dunno where to start.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55Legs, arms. Stomach, maybe.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Just gonnie...ease myself back into it.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Who's looking after the pub?
0:10:01 > 0:10:05One of my minions. You've got to delegate.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Come on, guys! I'm supposed to be in charge here!
0:10:12 > 0:10:15You don't want to do too much when you've been out with an injury.
0:10:15 > 0:10:20You see, I believe... Arrrrrghhhh!
0:10:25 > 0:10:27Wow. That was some lift.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29Aah, well.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Light work out.
0:10:31 > 0:10:36Listen, are you hungry? Starving. I'm gonnie catch a bite to eat. You wanna join me?
0:10:36 > 0:10:38That sounds great. I'm just about done here.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41See you later.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44Feel the burn, Boabby!
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Feel the burn!
0:10:51 > 0:10:53So you've made your move,
0:10:53 > 0:10:57and you've let that wee shite nip in front of you.
0:10:57 > 0:11:05I've no let him do anything. He just...beat me to it.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Yer a wanker, Boabby.
0:11:07 > 0:11:08How am I a wanker?
0:11:08 > 0:11:11You should have had a word wi' Stevie.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14When we were your age and you had your eye on a lassie
0:11:14 > 0:11:18as often as not, you wouldn't be the only one eying her up. So?
0:11:18 > 0:11:21You've got to eliminate the opposition.
0:11:21 > 0:11:26That clears the field and gets the respect of the lady. I don't get what your sayin'.
0:11:26 > 0:11:32Take Stevie to one side and set aboot him. What?!
0:11:32 > 0:11:36Aye, he took my pension off me yesterday, left me pratted.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40Let me do it for you, Boabby. I dreamt aboot gettin' that bastard a scheme bootin'.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43That's a great world youse live in, intit?
0:11:43 > 0:11:47Why don't I get a white horse, gallop past the pizza shop, snatch her up
0:11:47 > 0:11:50and ride into the sunset, shooting likely suitors as I go?
0:11:51 > 0:11:54Right guys. Finish up.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58Boabby, Stevie is a witless bastard.
0:11:58 > 0:12:02He's as funny as a fire in an orphanage.
0:12:02 > 0:12:06If you want this lassie's attention, make her laugh.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09It's a well known fact that you can laugh a lassie into bed.
0:12:09 > 0:12:13Aye. Show her your tadger. She'll piss herself.
0:12:13 > 0:12:17Jack, please. I'm trying to help the boy.
0:12:17 > 0:12:21Winston's got a good point, Jack. Charlie Chaplin he was NEVER without a woman.
0:12:21 > 0:12:26What do you call the guy with the cigars? George Burns. George Burns, he was the same.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29Jesus, even that ugly bastard, Bruce Forsyth,
0:12:29 > 0:12:32bagged himself a Miss World for God's sake.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34I'm telling you, funny gets the fanny.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41What can I get you? You still serving?
0:12:41 > 0:12:44Aye, aye. Lager for me.
0:12:44 > 0:12:50What will you have, Stacey, darling? Hi, Boabby. Gin and tonic, please.
0:12:52 > 0:12:53Excuse me a second, Stacey.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00TOM CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:13:02 > 0:13:05HE LAUGHS
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Here's another one. Another what?
0:13:08 > 0:13:09Another one of my jokes.
0:13:09 > 0:13:14Oh, aye. You'll like this, hen. Boabby. What a laugh he is.
0:13:14 > 0:13:20We were just saying, if you ever give up the pub game, you could be a stand up comedian, nae bother.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23He's that good... On ye go.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Right.
0:13:25 > 0:13:30This horse walks into a pub and the barman says, "Ho-ho".
0:13:30 > 0:13:34He looks at the horse and says,
0:13:34 > 0:13:36"What's with the face?"
0:13:36 > 0:13:37Long face.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39What? Long face.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44He looks at the horse and he says, "Long Face."
0:13:47 > 0:13:50"Your face is long." Oh, dear Christ.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54SHE LAUGHS
0:13:55 > 0:13:58SHE CONTINUES LAUGHING
0:14:00 > 0:14:04So, you and Stevie, eh? Me and Stevie?! Noo.
0:14:04 > 0:14:08Well, you've been out together... He asked me.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10It was hardly a date.
0:14:10 > 0:14:11Right.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Well, so it's no...
0:14:14 > 0:14:16You're still...
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Technically...
0:14:18 > 0:14:20What is it you want to ask me, Boabby?
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Eh...
0:14:24 > 0:14:25Do you want to go out...
0:14:27 > 0:14:29with... wi' me?
0:14:31 > 0:14:35Sure. Brilliant!
0:14:37 > 0:14:39That's that, then.
0:14:40 > 0:14:41Right.
0:14:41 > 0:14:45Two nuns in a bath... Woah, Boabby!
0:14:49 > 0:14:53This is magic. Aye. It's dead exciting.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56How long's that now?
0:14:56 > 0:14:5825 minutes.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03I cannae wait. Can you? No. I cannae wait, no.
0:15:03 > 0:15:04DOORBELL CHIMES
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Oh! THEY LAUGH
0:15:11 > 0:15:15Hello. ?8.95. Winston! What's this?
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Pizza. You ordered it.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19No, I mean what are you doin'?
0:15:19 > 0:15:24Shuddup. It's a cushy wee number. Cash in hand at the end of the night.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27You're ma first delivery. I laughed when I seen the address.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30That's a cracker, intit? A pizza delivery boy with a wooden leg.
0:15:30 > 0:15:35THEY LAUGH You get a scooter. Right Winston. ?8.95, you say.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38There's nine. Keep the change.
0:15:38 > 0:15:42That's very good of you. I'll jump into Navid's and get a Caramel.
0:15:42 > 0:15:43Winston, c'mere.
0:15:43 > 0:15:48Is there no an opportunity arisen here? Eh?
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Can you not get us free pizza?
0:15:50 > 0:15:53What? Pizzas must disappear all the time.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56Why don't you make one disappear up here now and again?
0:15:56 > 0:16:01Aye. We're mates. That's smashing that, you want me to steal for you?
0:16:01 > 0:16:04Well, not steal exactly. They must get cancellations.
0:16:04 > 0:16:09There's me in my new job, for good people. They've put me in a position of trust.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12And I am trying to do that to the best of my ability.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15Just because we're mates you think you can take advantage?
0:16:15 > 0:16:19Can we not at least talk about it? No! The conversation's closed.
0:16:20 > 0:16:24Winston! Here, have a slice of pizza.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26I'm not hungry.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Bloody jobs worth! Arsehole!
0:16:33 > 0:16:36You dirty greedy fat bastard!
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Stevie.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Don't see you in here much.
0:16:42 > 0:16:48Nah. Just killing time, really, till Stacey knocks off.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Then we go on our hot date.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53You think you're a smart ass?
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Smart ass?
0:16:55 > 0:16:57How am I a smart ass?
0:16:57 > 0:16:59That wee stunt you pulled in the pub.
0:16:59 > 0:17:03I think you'll find Stacey's a free agent.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Aye, well I'm no beat.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07You've crossed the line, son.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09OK, bookie boy.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Let's have a bet then, shall we?
0:17:11 > 0:17:16Me and Stacey go bowling at half seven.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19A few drinks and dinner at nine.
0:17:19 > 0:17:20Back to mine at 11.
0:17:20 > 0:17:26Sooo I'll have 50 quid on, "I'll shag her," 11:30!
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Don't kid yourself, Boabby.
0:17:28 > 0:17:32I've got my own business! A Mercedes!
0:17:32 > 0:17:34You work in a pub that doesn't even belong to you.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37You work for the man.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39You're a deadbeat. It's nae contest.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41If anybody's gonna shag her, it's me.
0:17:43 > 0:17:44We'll see, will we?
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Feel the burn, Stevie.
0:17:52 > 0:17:53Feel the burn!
0:17:56 > 0:18:02What's on it? Spicy sausage, hot pepperoni
0:18:02 > 0:18:04and jalapenos.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06What are jalapenos?
0:18:06 > 0:18:08I don't know. Wait a minute.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10What's jalapenos?
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Oh, no. They'll burn the hole off us.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Just mushroom and onion, thanks.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Jarvis, Floor 14.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21It's Osprey Heights.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23All right. Thanks, bye.
0:18:28 > 0:18:33That's a curious thing, that. Have you read the bottom of this? No. How?
0:18:33 > 0:18:35"Our pizza pledge.
0:18:35 > 0:18:42"If you're pizza is not with you in 30 minutes, you will receive it absolutely free!"
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Well, how long did he take to deliver it last time? 25 minutes.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48Well, we're humped then, aren't we? Are we?
0:18:48 > 0:18:52If he'll not give it us for free, we'll have to take it.
0:19:02 > 0:19:06Oh, Winston. Isa. Oh, my God.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09Did you hear what happened? No.
0:19:09 > 0:19:13Terrible. Navid's is burnt to the ground. Eh? Is everyone all right?
0:19:13 > 0:19:18Aye. But the shop's gone. Totally gone. When did this happen?
0:19:18 > 0:19:22This afternoon. Meena left a pot on and went out. It went on fire.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Jesus! Then the fire brigade came.
0:19:25 > 0:19:31They said, it was the worst fire caused by a pot being left on, that they'd ever been at.
0:19:34 > 0:19:38The worst of it is, that Navid lost his entire livelihood,
0:19:38 > 0:19:42I'm out a job and Meena's lost... a good pot.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45I cannae believe the shop's gone.
0:19:45 > 0:19:49Well, you'll probably not notice any difference.
0:19:49 > 0:19:54Navid said he'll probably have it all tidied up and back to normal in the morning.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59Back to normal after burning it to the ground? Absolutely.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01You'll never know it happened.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04I'll probably only be out a job till tomorrow.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Isa, what time is it? Three minutes to go.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Did Jack and Victor send you down to delay me?
0:20:13 > 0:20:16They said if you were late the pizza's free. What's in it for you?
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Two slices. Out ma way.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Nice try, arseholes.
0:20:28 > 0:20:29Enjoy yer pizza.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51HE BREATHES OUT HEAVILY
0:20:51 > 0:20:56You weren't in ma bookies today collecting your fifty quid
0:20:56 > 0:20:59so I'm assuming nothing happened. HE ROARS
0:20:59 > 0:21:03That's right...nothing happened!
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Good.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09So here's what's gonnie happen.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12I'm gonnie be taking her out and I'm gonnie shag her.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15That's what's happening. Understood?!
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Aww!
0:21:17 > 0:21:21Right, ya couple of wankers, break it up!
0:21:23 > 0:21:27I'm gonnie kill you! Come ahead!
0:21:27 > 0:21:32Look, if youse two guys have got a problem, don't be rolling about in my gym like a couple of lassies.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37Let's settle your differences like men.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Come on.
0:21:41 > 0:21:42In here.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47When? Friday. I'll be there.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50I'll be there an' all. So will I... Good! Good!
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Good. Now piss off!
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Friday.
0:21:56 > 0:21:5930 seconds, Jack, then it's free pizza!
0:21:59 > 0:22:02I cannae wait to see his face!
0:22:07 > 0:22:10Ya couple of pricks. Ye cannae beat me.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Ye won't beat me.
0:22:12 > 0:22:13I'm the pizza man!
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Thank you!
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Enjoy yer pizza!
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Gin and tonic, please.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Is Boabby not here? No. He's up at the gym.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Him and Stevie are having a boxing match over some lassie.
0:22:38 > 0:22:42What?! Aye. Everybody's doon there and I'm stuck in here.
0:22:42 > 0:22:48I'm gutted cause I'd have paid money to see they two arseholes knocking lumps ootae each other!
0:23:07 > 0:23:09It's strange, innit? What's that?
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Not knowing who to cheer for.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13HE LAUGHS Aye. Cos they're both pricks.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17I'm gonna go for Boabby. Boabby!
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Boabby's a wanker.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Aye, but he's our wanker. Aye, well.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27Boys, I've got a wee book goin'.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30Who have you got as favourite? Stevie. By a long shot.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35Tenner each on on Stevie. Stevie it is.
0:23:36 > 0:23:40Come on, Boabby, son, eye of the tiger!
0:23:40 > 0:23:41BELL RINGS
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Right, quiet everybody.
0:23:46 > 0:23:51Now, these two...fighters are gonnie battle it out
0:23:51 > 0:23:57over three rounds to settle an argument to find out who gets to take out some lassie.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00They're not professionals, as you'll soon realise,
0:24:00 > 0:24:03and I tell you she must be some bit of stuff,
0:24:03 > 0:24:07if these two fellas are willing to go toe to toe for her. She's got great tits!
0:24:07 > 0:24:10THEY LAUGH
0:24:10 > 0:24:13And after this fight they're gonna be my tits!
0:24:13 > 0:24:16CHEERING AND LAUGHTER
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Are you boys sure you want to do this?
0:24:19 > 0:24:23Listen, Jim, if you'd seen this bit of gear you'd pull the gloves on an' all.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25Don't take our word for it, Jim.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28There she's there. Look.
0:24:28 > 0:24:32Would you not walk over broken glass for a half hour with that?
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Stacey?! Hello, Dad.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39My Stacey!
0:24:42 > 0:24:43THEY GROAN
0:24:43 > 0:24:45GROANING AND LAUGHTER
0:25:02 > 0:25:06Everything's in place. Make the call.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37He's taken the bait, Jack. Excellent.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41VAN SCREECHES TO A STOP
0:25:57 > 0:25:58Now!
0:26:14 > 0:26:16AIR GUSHES OUT OF THE TYRE
0:26:25 > 0:26:29Bastards! You all right there, Winston?
0:26:31 > 0:26:32This is ridiculous!
0:26:32 > 0:26:34I'll be back to get ye in five minutes, Joe!
0:26:39 > 0:26:41He's mobile again, Jack.
0:26:53 > 0:26:54HE LAUGHS
0:26:57 > 0:26:58Come on.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Come on!
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Nearly there, Jack. THEY LAUGH
0:27:08 > 0:27:12Did you stop him? Oh, I stopped him. You should have seen his face, that's him humped.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17Free pizza, twice as tasty as paid for pizza.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20Seconds, Jack, Seconds!
0:27:20 > 0:27:21THEY ROAR
0:27:24 > 0:27:26?9.95!
0:27:46 > 0:27:48Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd - 2007
0:27:48 > 0:27:51Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk
0:28:02 > 0:28:04HE RINGS THE DOORBELL
0:28:07 > 0:28:09Right, that's it.
0:28:09 > 0:28:13Oh here, Michelle, now. You've done really well losin' all the weight.
0:28:13 > 0:28:15Don't fold now...
0:28:15 > 0:28:20Shut it! I've just split up with my boyfriend. Gies them!
0:28:20 > 0:28:21Wait a...
0:28:24 > 0:28:26'Ere! What about the money?
0:28:26 > 0:28:29Piss off! You were late!