0:00:01 > 0:00:01HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Six boxes of cornflakes, Tam.
0:00:41 > 0:00:42OK, What's the angle?
0:00:42 > 0:00:44What angle?
0:00:44 > 0:00:48God's sake. I'm into cornflakes. I love them. Ooh, lovely cold milk.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Cannae beat them. Lovely. OK.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52I'll ride the bus to the next stop.
0:00:52 > 0:00:56?8.60, please. Okey-dokey.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58Oh. What's this I see?
0:00:58 > 0:01:00And I'm still on the bus....
0:01:00 > 0:01:03These are out of date. Sell-by, been and gone.
0:01:03 > 0:01:04I'll tell you my problem, Navid.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07I like my cornflakes to be crunchy, you know?
0:01:07 > 0:01:09I just don't know about these.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11They're just...
0:01:11 > 0:01:13They're just no' gonnae be there, are they?
0:01:16 > 0:01:18So...
0:01:18 > 0:01:19I'll gie ye two quid for the lot.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22Finally. The terminus.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25Give me it. I'm desperate. Thank you, now.
0:01:27 > 0:01:31Navid. You should have chased him. He's a chancer.
0:01:31 > 0:01:32I can't afford to chase him, Isa.
0:01:32 > 0:01:36He's a customer, and they're very thin on the ground these days.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39That's why those cornflakes are sitting there so long.
0:01:39 > 0:01:43People aren't buying anything. Aye, cos of that new Hyperdales.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45A lot of folk are buying out of there now.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Hyperdales is suffocating me.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49This shop is dying.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Don't be angry with Tam.
0:01:51 > 0:01:56He is merely a jackal, picking at the bones of a dying carcass.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59Navid, I think you should lay off that Animal Planet channel,
0:01:59 > 0:02:03and start thinking about ways you can get folk back in here.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06What's the point? There, now. You see?
0:02:06 > 0:02:09There's two faithful customers there. What's this?
0:02:09 > 0:02:13Jack and Victor. Hip hip hooray! What's the matter with him?
0:02:13 > 0:02:17He's worried cos that big Hyperdales is taking away a lot of his business. Uh-huh.
0:02:17 > 0:02:21Squeezing the very life blood ootae here. Hmmm.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24They've got him by the nuts, and they're... Ahem!
0:02:24 > 0:02:28We get the picture, Isa. Fear not, Navid. At least we're here.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Aye. Hyperdales. A lot of new-fangled shite.
0:02:31 > 0:02:35Two buses up there for your groceries and then all the way back wi' the bags?
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Aye. They places are fine for your suburban wankers,
0:02:38 > 0:02:40wi' their big fancy Jeep cars,
0:02:40 > 0:02:43but see for the likes of us, local is king. Yep.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45I appreciate the sentiments, boys.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48You're my staple, my bread and butter.
0:02:48 > 0:02:49But let's face it, you're old.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Decrepit. Spent.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55You'll be dead in six months.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Then where will I be? What can I get you?
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Two coffins, ya cheeky bastard!
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Yes. I'm up and about.
0:03:06 > 0:03:10No, I'm having a couple of slices of toast.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Hyperdales? Away and don't talk nonsense, Frances.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16There's bugger all up with the toaster we've got.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Right, I'll need to go.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS
0:03:22 > 0:03:24A new toaster?
0:03:24 > 0:03:28That'll be right. That's 25 quid you don't need to spend.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30"But the toast's always burnt!"
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Ye no heard of a knife? Ye cannae scrape it?
0:03:33 > 0:03:39Ach, a wee bit of glue, you'll be all right.
0:03:39 > 0:03:40Right, come on now...
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Look who it is! Bill and Ben.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Two whiskeys, ya flobba dobbin knob-end.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Suicide bid, is it?
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Eh? Eatin' one of Boabby's pies.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01You're takin' your life in your hands, boy. Oh, no.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03There's been a development.
0:04:05 > 0:04:06Taste this.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Nah, you're all right, Boabby.
0:04:11 > 0:04:12A mouthful.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Jesus. Lovely.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25What's happened there? That's edible!
0:04:27 > 0:04:32Say hello to the Thermolite 360.
0:04:32 > 0:04:37No cold spots, and an infra-red grill for a crunchy top.
0:04:37 > 0:04:4159.99. Hyperdales.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44It's no' just the heat. It's actually tasty, that, Boabby.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47It's because they're out of Hyperdales, as well.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Jesus, everyone's on about that place.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53Aye, that's cos it's magic. It's like America up there.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55That's all very well, but what about Navid?
0:04:55 > 0:05:00What about him? That place is slitting his throat. He's losing all his customers to it.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Hold on, now. A bottle of ketchup, right, out of Navid's.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05That size. A pound.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09You can get a bottle at Hyperdales twice the size for the same price.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11You do the math. Navid's a robbing bastard.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14That's how these big places crush the wee places, Winston.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Aye, you read about it in the papers.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19See, your conglomerates team up in the cartels.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21It's monopolies and mergers commissions,
0:05:21 > 0:05:23and they corner the market for the consortiums.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27Something then it's something about a loss leader.
0:05:27 > 0:05:31Are you just saying business words now, Jack? Yes.
0:05:31 > 0:05:35But that's why that sauce is cheaper. Aye. Ye cannae have that, you know.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39What do they call it again? The death of the high street.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42No, ye cannae stop progress.
0:05:42 > 0:05:43Indeed, you cannot.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46I've just been to a smashing place.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48BOTH: Hyperdales.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Aye.
0:05:50 > 0:05:51Great.
0:05:51 > 0:05:55Bet that place suits you down to the ground, eh, Tam? Nice and cheap.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57This bad boy was ?45.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Aye, in the sale?
0:05:59 > 0:06:03Nah. I looked at the sale stuff. ?20 and that. And I thought, "Nah.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05"Be good to yourself."
0:06:05 > 0:06:10So you've seen a cheaper toaster, but you've plumped for the dear one? Aye.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12What?
0:06:12 > 0:06:14Nothing.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18Right, I'm ready for a pint. Anybody else?
0:06:23 > 0:06:26See, years ago, you'd would into the likes of Curley's,
0:06:26 > 0:06:30hand the fella your slip and he'd run around like a blue-arsed fly
0:06:30 > 0:06:32getting all your stuff, and at the same time gabbing.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35"How you doing? "Did you hear about so and so?
0:06:35 > 0:06:40"What's your plans for the weekend?" Nice, you know? Personal.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Doughnuts and fresh cream, they're only 30p.
0:06:42 > 0:06:47See these bigger places, you're just a number. There's no contact.
0:06:47 > 0:06:48You get your gear and you go.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50You try and start a conversation in here,
0:06:50 > 0:06:53they think you're Care In The Community.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56A full tea set there for ?14.
0:06:58 > 0:06:59We've got Navid's.
0:06:59 > 0:07:03The way I see it, you go to your butcher's for your butcher meat,
0:07:03 > 0:07:06you go to your grocer's for groceries, baker's for cakes.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09all specialising in the one... the one thing.
0:07:09 > 0:07:15That's a lot of steak for a fiver. Aye, you would freeze some of that.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18Yeah, these bastards are trying to do the lot, aren't they?
0:07:18 > 0:07:22Jack of all trades, master of none. And that is what makes them bland.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25Jesus, look at that. You get a free tie with that shirt.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Nice. Anyway, we've got wur routine.
0:07:28 > 0:07:32We get wur pension in Craiglang, and we spend our money in Craiglang.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36End of story. Aye. The post office is too far away from this place.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42I'll get a trolley. I'll get you by the doughnuts.
0:07:53 > 0:07:57That's The Guns of Navarone, Raid on Entebbe and Jade Goody's autobiography.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Aye. 30 pence.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Each? For all three.
0:08:01 > 0:08:02Smashing.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08There we go, darling.
0:08:08 > 0:08:13Hello, Winston. Tam, what's this? Just having bit of a clear-out.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16These are all new. Aye. Birthdays and Christmases.
0:08:16 > 0:08:17I got to thinking,
0:08:17 > 0:08:21"Somebody else could be getting the benefit out of these."
0:08:21 > 0:08:23They're only taking up space in ma place.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25That's very generous of you.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Aye, well, you know.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30Now, have you had your lunch?
0:08:30 > 0:08:32Me? Er, no. How?
0:08:32 > 0:08:36There's a steakhouse round the corner. I'll buy you a T-bone.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Wash it down wi' a couple of pints.
0:08:38 > 0:08:42You'll... You'll buy me? Aye, come on.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48That's for the weans in Africa.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58Can you believe it? The post office has shut down.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02They've moved it to the inside of Hyperdales. Have they?
0:09:02 > 0:09:05SHOP DOOR OPENS
0:09:09 > 0:09:12I'm no' paying for that Curly Wurly. What's wrong with it?
0:09:14 > 0:09:16It's aw smashed up. It's in bits.
0:09:16 > 0:09:20The whole thing about a Curly Wurly is it's supposed to be one big bit.
0:09:30 > 0:09:34Take them all! Have a party! Has he went off his nut?
0:09:41 > 0:09:43They've got me by the Curly Wurlies.
0:09:47 > 0:09:52Jesus, Jack. Quadruple Choc-Chip Nutfest cookies, Did you buy these?
0:09:52 > 0:09:56Eh? Aye, I did, aye.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59Here, I've split they steaks up. That's your end.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Right, I'll freeze these, we'll do yours in tonight,
0:10:02 > 0:10:05and I'll get the return leg. That's a good deal, aye.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Have one of them. Oh, aye.
0:10:10 > 0:10:15Suffering God. That's strange, I can only taste the three chocolates.
0:10:15 > 0:10:19Ah, no. There's the fourth one, there. Mummy, Daddy.
0:10:19 > 0:10:20That's a bastard, isn't it?
0:10:20 > 0:10:22I was just looking at that there.
0:10:22 > 0:10:2560 quid, that's between the two of us.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28That seems like a lot, but it's not, really.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Oh, no. There's enough there to do us for a fortnight.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Puts us in a bit of a dilemma, though.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38How? There's us in Navid's,
0:10:38 > 0:10:41giving it the big un, making out we're all loyal.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43The next thing, we're marching right into Hyperdales.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Aye.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50But what are we supposed to dae? We're pensioners.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52We cannae turn doon value like that.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Aye, but it's still a bit shite for Navid.
0:10:58 > 0:10:59Gies a bit of paper.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08We'll make a list of things that we can still get at Navid's.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11Milk.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Bread.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Ma Trout and Salmon magazine.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Ma tobacco. Tobacco. Good one, Jack.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20The essentials.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23The basics.
0:11:23 > 0:11:28Except Navid doesnae have they big huge bottles of milk that last you all week, does he?
0:11:28 > 0:11:29No. Right. Scratch the milk.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32That's bread... No, no' bread.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34They've got the in-store bakery, sure.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37I mean, when I bought that loaf this morning, it was still warm.
0:11:37 > 0:11:41Lose the bread. That leaves the magazine.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44They've got the magazine rack just as you go in the door. Oh, aye.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Right next to the tobacco stand.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00'Cleaner to aisle five. Spillage on aisle five, cleaner to aisle five.'
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Jesus. 12p!
0:12:16 > 0:12:18How is this possible?
0:12:35 > 0:12:41Ohhh, get it up you, you value for money bastards!
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Thanks very much, that's marvellous.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48You cannae argue with that, can you?
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Et tu, Isa?
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Jesus, it's rare and warm, this coat.
0:12:59 > 0:13:00Yeah, it looks good on you, too!
0:13:00 > 0:13:0360 quid, but. Is that no' too dear?
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Is it? Nah. It's only money, Winston.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Hello, Peggy, sweetheart. Where are you off to?
0:13:08 > 0:13:12That's my Simon 18 the morra. I'm gonnae get him a cake.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15He's no' wanting a cake, but he's still ma wee boy, so a cake it is.
0:13:15 > 0:13:1818, jeezo. Wee Simon, eh?
0:13:18 > 0:13:22Here. 18's a big milestone. Tell him his first pint's on me.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25Away! He was done for drunk driving when he was 12.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30Thanks, Tam. That's good of you!
0:13:30 > 0:13:32That's no problem, darlin'.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39Listen, I think it's great that you're spending, and everything,
0:13:39 > 0:13:42enjoying it, but people can get the wrong idea about things.
0:13:42 > 0:13:46What de ye mean? If people see you throwing your dosh aboot,
0:13:46 > 0:13:48they'll think there's something wrang wi' ye.
0:13:48 > 0:13:53You've got cancer, or something. A brain tumour.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55They might think you've found Jesus.
0:13:55 > 0:13:59You don't want people looking at ye, people worrying aboot ye.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01So see this mad spending?
0:14:01 > 0:14:03I think that should just be between us.
0:14:03 > 0:14:09So that it's just, like, me that knows aboot it.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12You got me? Aye. Aye.
0:14:12 > 0:14:16Keep it quiet. Aye.
0:14:16 > 0:14:20Tam, these bikes are the bollocks, thanks a lot! Enjoy!
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Kids. It's a shame. There's nothing for them tae dae here!
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Double cream. Beautiful.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35Did you get it? Yes, I got it. Would you like to see it?
0:14:39 > 0:14:42Oh, my God.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44That's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47See that criss-cross affair on the top there?
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Lattice, they call that.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52The colour. It's golden.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Like it's been fired by the breath of angels.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57And it's God's apples inside it, as well.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59See the pies in Navid's?
0:14:59 > 0:15:01They're piss thin, wi' that rotten runny sauce.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04You'd need to be Bergerac to find any apples in it.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09DOORBELL RINGS
0:15:09 > 0:15:12Who's that?
0:15:16 > 0:15:19He's let me go. What?
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Navid. He's sacked me!
0:15:24 > 0:15:26You'd better come in.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30It's Isa.
0:15:34 > 0:15:38I don't know what to do. I've been greetin' all morning.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41You'd better sit doon. You're awfy cut up.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Would you like a slice of cake, hen?
0:15:54 > 0:15:56No.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59I've got one exactly the same in ma fridge.
0:15:59 > 0:16:04It's lovely, the lattice, and that. That's just it.
0:16:04 > 0:16:08That's what was in my bag when he caught me. Who caught you?
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Navid. He caught me in Hyperdales.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14Oh, the look on his face.
0:16:14 > 0:16:15What did he say to you?
0:16:15 > 0:16:17He said,
0:16:17 > 0:16:20"Et tu, Isa."
0:16:20 > 0:16:23I never ate two of anything!
0:16:25 > 0:16:26That's no' what he means.
0:16:26 > 0:16:31"Et tu", it's fae Caesar. It means you've betrayed him.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Oh!
0:16:33 > 0:16:35It doesnae mean that, Jack!
0:16:37 > 0:16:39It means you've stabbed him in the back, Isa.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44I was trying to be a wee bit mair diplomatic there, Victor.
0:16:44 > 0:16:49No, what Navid means is... He just mean you're a dirty Judas.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01Oh, get a load of Dapper Dan!
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Aye, the new coat. You like it?
0:17:04 > 0:17:05Very nice. Where d'you get that?
0:17:09 > 0:17:12He bought me it. Eh?
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Aye. Took me into Marks and Spencers and just paid for it.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Tam? What ye talkin' about? Watch this.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Thank you.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Oh. Er, I've...
0:17:25 > 0:17:30Here, Winston. Let me. Arthur, are you for another one?
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Arthur for another one too, thanks.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37It's like Christmas!
0:17:37 > 0:17:39April Fools', more like. What's the joke?
0:17:39 > 0:17:43There's nae joke. He took me for a steak dinner, and everything.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45He never batted an eyelid. Just paid for it.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47What's the matter with him?
0:17:47 > 0:17:49I think he's went...
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Well, that's no' right, is it? Not if he's went doolally.
0:17:52 > 0:17:56Of course it's right. He's been leeching off me for years.
0:17:56 > 0:17:57If he's went doolally,
0:17:57 > 0:18:00I'm gonnae ride the doolally bastard like a donkey.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Arsehole behaviour.
0:18:02 > 0:18:06No. I'll tell you who's behaving like an arsehole.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08You. Navid! What?
0:18:08 > 0:18:10You, ya lousy big shit. Sacking Isa.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14Aye! Just because she was gettin' her groceries out of Hyperdales, you bag her?!
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Get this!
0:18:16 > 0:18:22He sees Isa buyin her groceries fae somewhere other than his shop,
0:18:22 > 0:18:23and he sacks her.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27Now, wait a minute. I didnae sack her. I let her go.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30Sacked - let go. Shite - jobby.
0:18:30 > 0:18:34That's woman has been nothing but loyal to you! Loyal?
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Don't talk to me about loyalty.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39I've ran that shop since 1975.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41And it's been no picnic.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44When I came here, I had to put up with a lot of shite.
0:18:44 > 0:18:49Neds, drunks, graffiti, but I stuck it out.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52Every single morning of life,
0:18:52 > 0:18:55six o'clock to take in your rolls, sort your papers.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58Every single person in here,
0:18:58 > 0:19:01at one time or another, has struggled for cash,
0:19:01 > 0:19:04and come to me and asked for tick,
0:19:04 > 0:19:05and I've given it to you.
0:19:05 > 0:19:09And now, for the first time ever,
0:19:09 > 0:19:15when I need you to show me some support, where are you?
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Hyperdales.
0:19:17 > 0:19:21Shopping like Posh Spice on coke.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Isa wasn't sacked for shopping somewhere else.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27She's finished cos I'm finished.
0:19:27 > 0:19:33It's finished. So don't stand there and talk to me about bloody loyalty.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36The shop is shut.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Let me get you a pint. I'm buying.
0:19:52 > 0:19:56I'm sick of this place. Two bloody buses for a daft carton of milk.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Well, Navid's away, and this is us now,
0:19:58 > 0:20:00at these bastards' beck and call.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02I'll tell you another con, an' aw.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05See having that post office in here - that's no' a good idea.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08No. It's not a good idea. You get your pension there,
0:20:08 > 0:20:12then you're walking over there, and gieing it right back to them. Arseholes.
0:20:12 > 0:20:18'Announcement to Hyperdale customers. All meat produce now 20% off.'
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Unbelievable. Aye, it's a beauty.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23There's your Uncle Bob there. An ice machine!
0:20:23 > 0:20:26Right. We'll go tell the woman that's the one you want.
0:20:26 > 0:20:30Eh... Listen, sure it's no' a bit dear?
0:20:30 > 0:20:34How much is it? 800. I've got 800. You're wanting it, right?
0:20:34 > 0:20:35Aye. Come on, then.
0:20:35 > 0:20:41It's a bad day when you cannae buy your pal an Admiral Frost-Free Americana ice dispensing cool chest.
0:20:41 > 0:20:45Aye, aye... No.
0:20:45 > 0:20:49Look, Tam. I don't know how to tell you this.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53I've been taking advantage of ye. How?
0:20:53 > 0:20:56Tam, you're a dirty miserable bastard.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Eh? No, I'm always buying you stuff.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00I know. I'm talking about before.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04I was miserable? Aye.
0:21:04 > 0:21:05You were famous for it!
0:21:05 > 0:21:08Jesus, Tam, you had a cat once, right, and it got run over.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10So you got another cat,
0:21:10 > 0:21:13called it the same name to save buying another collar!
0:21:13 > 0:21:16I liked the name Missy. Tam, the second cat was a boy.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19I don't know what you're talking about.
0:21:19 > 0:21:23Don't just take ma word for it. Jack, Victor. Come here a minute.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Tam, Winston. What's going on?
0:21:25 > 0:21:30I'm trying to buy him a fridge and he's calling me a miserable bastard! No, I'm saying... Shut up.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32He's buying you a fridge?
0:21:32 > 0:21:33I'm no wantin' the fridge.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36I'm trying to tell him he should be a miserable bastard,
0:21:36 > 0:21:38like he's always been! Aye.
0:21:38 > 0:21:42Eh? See when your wee cat died... I've telt him that.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44'The store is now closing.
0:21:44 > 0:21:49'Could all Hyperdale customers please make their way to the exit?
0:21:49 > 0:21:51'Till operators, the tills are now closed.'
0:21:51 > 0:21:54TENT ZIPS SHUT
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Hello, Navid. Hello.
0:22:04 > 0:22:05What are you doing?
0:22:05 > 0:22:10Camping. Camping in a shop? Yes. What's that on your knee?
0:22:10 > 0:22:13Nothing. It doesnae look like nothing.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16It looks like a petrol can. Is there petrol in it?
0:22:19 > 0:22:22I think you should come out of there, Navid.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24No. Go away. The store is closing.
0:22:24 > 0:22:28No. Come wi' us, come on. Leave me alone.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Navid, what is it you think you're doing?
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Oh, I know what I'm going to do.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41I am going to raze this place to the ground.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44They'll learn a lesson. You squeeze the small man.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46The small man squeezes back.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49This is smashin'! How much are these?
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Come to your senses, man, eh?
0:22:54 > 0:22:56I know it's been hard. You lost your business.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59They took it. But this isnae the answer.
0:22:59 > 0:23:03No, this is arson, by Christ. You'll get 20 year for this!
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Listen.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08This is oor fault.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10What you said in the pub...
0:23:10 > 0:23:11You were right.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13We've let ye doon.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16But we can fix it.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Aye. We'll all go back to Craiglang.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21We'll tell everybody to boycott this shitehole.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Then all your customers will come back.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27This place is just a novelty, isn't it? Aye. And it's worn aff.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Gie it another chance, eh?
0:23:29 > 0:23:32Come on hame. Open up the shop. Just like the old days.
0:23:47 > 0:23:51Hello? Anybody there?
0:23:53 > 0:23:55I've found the lights!
0:24:01 > 0:24:03It's nae use. All the phones are internal,
0:24:03 > 0:24:04and I've been roon every door,
0:24:04 > 0:24:09but there's roller shutters outside them. We're in here till the morning.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11And that's a bad thing how?
0:24:11 > 0:24:14Whoa! We cannae go just helping ourselves to stock.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16That's got to be paid for.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20No, I left the money down by the till.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22That's better, in't it?
0:24:22 > 0:24:26Nae joy, Jack? No. It's an old-fashioned lock-in.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Right. We getting pished?
0:24:28 > 0:24:32I would say so. To me.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35HE CHUCKLES
0:24:37 > 0:24:40So, it's just a case of sitting tight till morning, then.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43Aye. That's what we'll dae.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45This is the bollocks!
0:24:45 > 0:24:48If I had a garden, I'd definitely get one of these!
0:24:48 > 0:24:51Are you no' getting tired on that bloody thing?
0:24:51 > 0:24:53No!
0:24:55 > 0:24:59What have you got there? What it does is, it massages your spine
0:24:59 > 0:25:02from your neck, all the way doon to your arse.
0:25:04 > 0:25:05Jack.
0:25:07 > 0:25:12We'll need to get this place cleared up before the cleaners come in in the morning. Hey.
0:25:12 > 0:25:16They locked us in. We're entitled to make wurselves comfortable.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Aye. I'm getting hungry.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Ooh, this is magic!
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Tam.
0:25:37 > 0:25:41Tam. Oh, Jesus. What happened there?
0:25:41 > 0:25:42What do you think happened?
0:25:42 > 0:25:45Ye poured a lot of lager doon an electric chair, you tool!
0:25:45 > 0:25:51Come on. I can smell burnt hairs in ma nose!
0:25:52 > 0:25:55Where are we? Don't start, Tam.
0:25:55 > 0:25:59We're in Hyperdales. We're locked in, sure, cos of this barmy bastard.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01We're locked in?
0:26:01 > 0:26:04A superstore? Wurselves?
0:26:04 > 0:26:07Aye. With all this stuff?
0:26:07 > 0:26:10And naebody can see us? Easy, Tam.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13Free stuff. Free stuff. Easy, easy, easy! Free stuff!
0:26:21 > 0:26:23I think we've got the old Tam back.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Free stuff!
0:26:31 > 0:26:35I'm quite bevvied. Aye. That's how you're supposed to eat.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38Try one of them, they're lovely. Prawns.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40They only charge 1.50 for this.
0:26:41 > 0:26:45What about Tam? Oh, aye.
0:26:54 > 0:26:58Come on! Let me out now. I'm all right!
0:26:58 > 0:27:01Look at him. He's like a bloody demented animal.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04Aye. It's all been a bit much for him, you know?
0:27:04 > 0:27:05Like waking a sleepwalker.
0:27:05 > 0:27:09Here, Navid. Aye.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12Feeling a bit better about things, are you? Aye.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Glad you didn't do anything stupid?
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Here, boys. Don't go mental.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21You've still got your steak to come.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26Navid, gies a wee zap of that petrol.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:27:55 > 0:27:58Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk
0:28:13 > 0:28:17There you are, sir. Thanks.
0:28:20 > 0:28:23Here, boys. This is great, huh?
0:28:23 > 0:28:24You get your pension at that counter,
0:28:24 > 0:28:26and then you spend it at this counter!
0:28:26 > 0:28:28Get it up ye!
0:28:29 > 0:28:32Here, come on and see what I've bought!
0:28:32 > 0:28:36What? Well, you've got to be good to yourself.
0:28:46 > 0:28:47ALL: Hyperdales.
0:28:47 > 0:28:49Aye, I got it in the fire sale, dirt cheap.
0:28:49 > 0:28:51It still works, too!