0:00:01 > 0:00:01I was in ma bed last night with a cardigan on, and gloves!
0:00:38 > 0:00:42Mm! Roastin' hot, that's magic.
0:00:42 > 0:00:47What's that? 17 minutes ago, was it? We were in the hoose minding our own business, lyin' on our ribs.
0:00:47 > 0:00:51Then boof! We're here on the high street searching for the beefy bake.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54That's the power of advertising, Jack boy.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57We are the mere puppets of yer marketing bigwigs.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Ah, but it seems to only be for food.
0:01:00 > 0:01:05If it was two carpet sweepers, we wouldnae be standing here with a couple of carpet sweepers.
0:01:05 > 0:01:09It's strategy. The beefy bakes are aimed at the likes of us.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Pensioners.
0:01:11 > 0:01:15Your marketin' boys know what we're all about.
0:01:15 > 0:01:16We're lazy, greedy bastards.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19They know at three o'clock you're a baw-hair away
0:01:19 > 0:01:23fae opening a pack of teacakes tae tide ye over tae supper time.
0:01:23 > 0:01:27Then they go like that - bang! Stick the advert right in there at the exact time.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30That there is bait. And we've took it like a couple of wankers.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33Aye, we're a couple wankers.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Hullo, Winston. Where you off to in such a hurry?
0:01:35 > 0:01:38In there to get two beefy bakes.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41Let me guess. 17 minutes ago you were in the hoose. And then,
0:01:41 > 0:01:44"Ooh! I could go a beefy bake!"
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Eh, aye. He's seen the advert. Aye.
0:01:46 > 0:01:50Aye... Did I? Now you're doon here like a zombie. "Beefy bake!"
0:01:50 > 0:01:53The telly's made ye dae that, boy.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Ah hate that. It's like hypnotism.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Well, get it up them. I'm no' havin' one. Whoa.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59What ye talkin' aboot?
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Get in there and see it through like yer supposed to. No way!
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Linin' their pockets. I decide when I'm gauny eat!
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Okey-dokey then.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17THEY SNIGGER What are you hanging aboot for?
0:02:17 > 0:02:18Oh, bastards!
0:02:22 > 0:02:24MONEY CLUNKS
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Are you wantin' a...?
0:02:27 > 0:02:31Whoa, oh. It was only three quid. I'll get my own, Tam. Right-o, love.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37How long is that you two have been together noo?
0:02:37 > 0:02:38That's two year now.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Two year. Aye.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42That's lovely. Aye. Aye. It's lovely.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44He's great. He's smashin'.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48I'm at my wits' end, Isa.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51There is absolutely no romance in this relationship.
0:02:51 > 0:02:56I'm no agony aunt, hen. But you've got tae put that in, haven't ye?
0:02:56 > 0:03:01There's things ye can dae. Maybe get your hair done.
0:03:01 > 0:03:02A bit of makeup...
0:03:02 > 0:03:04A wee pair of sexy undies.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Tam's wouldn't be interested in undies.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08No' unless they were made out of fivers.
0:03:09 > 0:03:13Aye, he's tight. It's a turnoff.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15He'll no have the heatin' on. Undies, by Christ?
0:03:15 > 0:03:19I was in ma bed last night with a cardigan on, and gloves!
0:03:19 > 0:03:22I've known Tam a long time. I've never known him any different.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Ye cannae teach an old dog new tricks, eh?
0:03:27 > 0:03:29What are youse two conspiring about? Nothing!
0:03:36 > 0:03:39Here, sweetheart, put that in yer bag for later.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Afternoon, gents. Afternoon.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Pete? How ye doin'? Jesus.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Hardly recognised ye there.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57What ye daein'? Aff the drink. That's three weeks now.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Good for you. Looking well on it.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02Aye, I had a moment of clarity. Happens noo and again.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04I thought I need a job.
0:04:04 > 0:04:05Stimulation.
0:04:05 > 0:04:09I've no' got any money but I've got a bucket and a sponge. Windscreens.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Good!
0:04:11 > 0:04:16Here's my angle. See them junkie bastards in the toon that dae the windscreens?
0:04:16 > 0:04:19Dirty sponges, manky water - no' me.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23Clean sponge, clean water, bit of lemon juice for that extra sparkle.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27People appreciate that.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Thank you!
0:04:29 > 0:04:32Did he just give you a fiver? Aye!
0:04:32 > 0:04:36Ye takin' anybody on? You joking? Afternoon!
0:04:37 > 0:04:38You!
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Whoa! Ho, ho!
0:04:43 > 0:04:47SHOUTING
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Get him back. I'll kill him, let me go!
0:04:49 > 0:04:53You bastard! You bastard! That's enough.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Ya fat specky bastard!!
0:05:01 > 0:05:05Whisky, Boabby. C'mon Pete. Willpower, son. C'mon.
0:05:12 > 0:05:13Orange Juice. There we go!
0:05:13 > 0:05:15We'll take three whiskies, Boabby.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18And three half lagers, Boabby. Large Whiskies?
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Aye, large whiskies. Aye, big yins.
0:05:21 > 0:05:22That better, eh?
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Bloody Henderson!
0:05:27 > 0:05:30The guy in the car? Ye just about pulled his heid aff!
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Poor bastard. You gave him a terrible fright, Pete.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35"Poor bastard?" He's anything but poor!
0:05:35 > 0:05:38How, who is he? Henderson!
0:05:38 > 0:05:42Henderson's the Bakers. We were just in there.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44We were getting Beefy bake. Aye a beefy bake.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Nice, was it? The bollocks.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Oh, aye, it would be.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Boabby? Aye, Pete?
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Orange Juice.
0:05:56 > 0:06:011979. I'm working in Henderson's the Bakers.
0:06:01 > 0:06:05Pies, sausage rolls, that sort of thing.
0:06:05 > 0:06:09So one day, I thought I'd try something new.
0:06:09 > 0:06:15I've arsed aboot with a nice bit of shoulder steak, spices, black pepper.
0:06:15 > 0:06:19I takes my creation up to Henderson.
0:06:19 > 0:06:23He tastes it And just aboot blows aff in his pocket.
0:06:23 > 0:06:24"Pete," he says...
0:06:24 > 0:06:27"That there, is genius.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31"The meat. The crust.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33"The gravy.
0:06:33 > 0:06:34"It's perfect.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36"What ye callin' it?"
0:06:36 > 0:06:38"Beefy bake."
0:06:45 > 0:06:50What ye daein'? Eh? Aw aye, you invented the Beefy bake?
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Aye, I did, aye.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Lot of crap.
0:06:55 > 0:06:59Ah, 1979 - that was the year I invented the Space Hopper!
0:06:59 > 0:07:01I took the world by storm with my Rubik's Cube.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04You no' believe me? Naw, we don't, naw.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06There's your bucket.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36Well? It's a bloody beefy bake. Aye it's a beefy bake.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38It's a beefy bake and no mistake.
0:07:38 > 0:07:42Telt ye. That's fantastic, that.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Here, wait a minute. What's fantastic aboot it?
0:07:46 > 0:07:50That fat bastard in the posh motor has built an empire on the back of the beefy bake.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52That's the cornerstone.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55That's the lifeblood! That's the bloody crown jewel of the bakery!
0:07:55 > 0:07:57And look at this poor dick.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00One pair of underpants, lives under a bridge.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04This Henderson has to be taken tae task. Aye. Too right...
0:08:04 > 0:08:07Pete, where is this factory? Cranston estate.
0:08:07 > 0:08:08Right. Victor. Yellow Pages.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11Get this Henderson on the phone and demand a meeting tomorrow.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15Pete, pen and paper, get that recipe wrote doon.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Winston, bus timetable, it's in that cabinet next to the door.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Find oot what bus goes past that Cranston Estate. Right.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Here, what are you daein'?
0:08:24 > 0:08:25I'm gauny finish this!
0:08:28 > 0:08:32Morning, Isa! Aye. Navid! Cash and Carry day.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35The van is round the back. Bring it round the front. All right.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Here, Navid. Will you do me a favour? What is it?
0:08:41 > 0:08:44Will you have a word with Tam for me? What aboot?
0:08:44 > 0:08:47About romance n'at. That's a bit desperate.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50Tam's married. Find yer own man.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53No' me! I was talkin' to Frances.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55His stinginess is strangling the relationship!
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Aw the romance is oot it.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01You need to talk to him about changing his ways.
0:09:01 > 0:09:08You want me to talk to Tam, the most miserable bastard in the world, about changing his ways?
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Why don't you give me something simpler to do, woman?
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Like stealing the Koh-i-noor diamond?
0:09:13 > 0:09:16Or climbing K2 with Meena strapped to ma back? Jesus!
0:09:28 > 0:09:30You worked here long, hen?
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Three years.
0:09:32 > 0:09:36Tell me this. Of all Mr Henderson's wonderfully tasty products,
0:09:36 > 0:09:38which is your favourite?
0:09:38 > 0:09:40That's easy. The beefy bake. Everybody in here loves it.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44In fact see when yer in the queue for the canteen? That's awe ye hear.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47Beefy bake! Beefy bake! Beefy bake!
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Yer standing there sweatin', in case by the time ye get to the counter there's nane left!
0:09:50 > 0:09:55That happens aw the time. Someone's got to go away intae the factory to get another tray.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57You're staunin' there gie'in it,
0:09:57 > 0:10:00"Hurry, up, where's ma beefy bake? I cannae take it!"
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Aye. They're that good.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06So the answer to your question, my favourite is the beefy bake.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08HE SOBS
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Can I get you anything to drink?
0:10:10 > 0:10:13A last whisky! Easy. Come on, noo. PHONE RINGS
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Hello. Right.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23Mr Henderson'll see yous now.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Winston, ye no' comin'?
0:10:26 > 0:10:30Nah. I'm just gauny sit here.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Gentlemen. Hello.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42That was an awful carry-on yesterday.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44I got a terrible fright.
0:10:44 > 0:10:49Of course, I recognised you, Pete. But it was an absolute bolt from the blue!
0:10:49 > 0:10:51When I got home my wife wanted me to phone the police.
0:10:51 > 0:10:56But then you phoned and I thought, "No.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58"No. I'll hear them out."
0:10:58 > 0:11:01Well, that's very kind of you.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04And Pete is sorry about that. Aren't you, Pete?
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Sit down. Sit down.
0:11:11 > 0:11:16How can I help you? What's all this about? Well,
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Pete here used to work for you, right? That's right.
0:11:19 > 0:11:23And he was telling us while he was here, he invented the beefy bake.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Right. Uh-huh. So, we were thinking... Well...
0:11:28 > 0:11:32what we were thinking was... PHONE RINGS
0:11:32 > 0:11:35Sorry, I'll not be a minute.
0:11:35 > 0:11:40Hello? What's goin' on here, Jack?
0:11:40 > 0:11:42He seems like a helluva nice fella...
0:11:42 > 0:11:44He does, aye...
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Pete! You better not be kiddin', ya bastard!
0:11:48 > 0:11:52Sorry about that. You were thinking.
0:11:52 > 0:11:57Well, we were thinking Pete is due some form of compensation.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59For inventing the beefy bake.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02Oh. I see!
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Compensation.
0:12:04 > 0:12:10Compensation. Compensation.
0:12:18 > 0:12:23How about this for compensation, eh?
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Would that no' do ye, Pete? A wee dram?
0:12:27 > 0:12:31You always liked a dram, didn't ye?
0:12:31 > 0:12:35Wait a minute here. Go on, you know you want it. Take it!
0:12:35 > 0:12:36You're out of line!
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Compensation!?
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Do not make me laugh!
0:12:40 > 0:12:42This man is a shambling sot!
0:12:42 > 0:12:47He always was! I gave this man a job and he drank it away.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Now you come here...
0:12:50 > 0:12:53And I've to compensate YOU?
0:12:53 > 0:12:58You're a despicable old bastard! I'm gauny stick one on your chin!
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Wait a minute, Victor! That's enough.
0:13:00 > 0:13:01Let me dae it!
0:13:08 > 0:13:10You've no' heard the last of this!
0:13:10 > 0:13:12I believe I have! Arseholes!
0:13:16 > 0:13:17Where's Winston?
0:13:19 > 0:13:22Let me just check this one...
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Adequate. Mark that down.
0:13:24 > 0:13:30Now, I'll test this one and this one later on.
0:13:30 > 0:13:31Where's the sausage rolls?
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Can we talk mano a mano?
0:13:41 > 0:13:44What's mano a mano? Man to man.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46How did ye no' just say man to man?
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Ach, it doesnae matter. No, what is it?
0:13:49 > 0:13:53I have been thinking about the institution of marriage.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Here is what I think.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Marriage is like a garden.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Nice lawn. Plants.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Roses.
0:14:02 > 0:14:06If you do not water your lawn, tend to it,
0:14:06 > 0:14:09then one day when the sun is shining,
0:14:09 > 0:14:12you will go to lie on your lawn and it will be...
0:14:12 > 0:14:17rubbish. The grass will all be brown and there will be baldy patches everywhere.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Shit. It will be shit.
0:14:19 > 0:14:24I thought we were going to the Cash and Carry? Are we going to the garden centre?
0:14:24 > 0:14:27Say you have a car. Bought. Not rented. A good car that you own and love.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30You have to put petrol in it.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Otherwise, it won't go anywhere.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35So you have to pull in.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Take out your nozzle,
0:14:38 > 0:14:40stick it in,
0:14:40 > 0:14:42spend a few quid,
0:14:42 > 0:14:44fill it up. Navid,
0:14:44 > 0:14:46what the hell is it you're talkin' about?
0:14:46 > 0:14:50Frances is not giving you your hole because you are a tightarse
0:14:50 > 0:14:53and it is making her sick. Jesus. What? Who?
0:14:53 > 0:14:56Frances told Isa and Isa blabbed to me.
0:14:56 > 0:15:00Well, that's marvellous, in't it? Everyone's talking about my sex life.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03Naw. You don't have a sex life worth talking about.
0:15:03 > 0:15:07Still on the orange juice, Pete? Aye. That's a month now.
0:15:07 > 0:15:12My God. Fair play to you. The next one's on me.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Pete! The very man!
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Have ye heard anything yet? You are gonna get your day in court.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Now, listen to this.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23"This letter is to confirm that the date of the hearing in the case
0:15:23 > 0:15:29of McCormack vs Henderson has been set for 15th of October at 12 noon.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Jesus. October? This is January.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35That's a good thing, Pete. That gives us time to prepare.
0:15:35 > 0:15:36Build our case.
0:15:36 > 0:15:40Do I need a lawyer? What for? You've got the two of us!
0:15:40 > 0:15:42What do you two know about the law? Hey! Hey!
0:15:42 > 0:15:44What do you think we do all day, eh?
0:15:44 > 0:15:47His hoose? Sky. Perry Mason. Boof!
0:15:47 > 0:15:49It's a scoosh!
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Objection, yer honour!
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Lawyers. That's money ye don't need to spend, boy.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Lawyers charge by the hour, Pete.
0:15:55 > 0:15:59See for a big courty thing like this? A lawyer would set you back a fortune.
0:15:59 > 0:16:03Fine by me. We rest our case.
0:16:04 > 0:16:08Evening, boys. Whisky and a sherry, please, Boabby.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Frances! Isa!
0:16:10 > 0:16:12What's goin' on? It's great!
0:16:12 > 0:16:15He came in and he says "You've been working hard all week, darlin'.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18"Get yersel' dolled up. We'll go out for a quick drink, and something to eat!"
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Good for you! Thanks love!
0:16:22 > 0:16:25Here, Tam. That's Pete got his court date.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27When? October. October?
0:16:27 > 0:16:31Good news, Pete. Stick it to that miserable bastard, Henderson!
0:16:38 > 0:16:39Ready to eat, sweetheart? Aye.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Right. That's us.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45Where ye off to? Over there to sit. Two pies and beans, Boabby.
0:16:45 > 0:16:46Two pies and beans?
0:16:46 > 0:16:50Sorry, sweetheart. Would you prefer peas with your pie?
0:16:57 > 0:17:00Go after her, ya arsehole!
0:17:06 > 0:17:09Frances! Frances!
0:17:18 > 0:17:20What's the matter, sweetheart?
0:17:20 > 0:17:23What's the matter? You just don't get it, dae ye?
0:17:23 > 0:17:24What?
0:17:24 > 0:17:27You said a quick drink and then a bite to eat. Aye.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30And the Clansman's your idea of a nice meal?
0:17:30 > 0:17:36It's convivial... I'll tell ye what it is. It's the last straw.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Don't say that, sweetheart.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40You are unbelievable, do you know that?
0:17:40 > 0:17:42You're like Scrooge!
0:17:42 > 0:17:47I mean, ye even talked me into putting ma teeth in wi' yours to save on the Steradent!
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Well, I've had enough, Tam!
0:17:59 > 0:18:02DOOR SHUTS
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Can I try again?
0:18:13 > 0:18:14I can change.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17If you give me a chance, I can change.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Starting tonight. Look.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23A bottle of bubbly.
0:18:23 > 0:18:28?24.99. And a Chinese meal.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31No shite. Wongs on the High Street.
0:18:31 > 0:18:35The good gear. I even got ye they ribs ye like.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Although I don't take ribs.
0:18:37 > 0:18:41Even if ye eat a couple and leave the rest.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45To hell with it. We'll fire them in the bin.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47As long as you're happy.
0:18:47 > 0:18:51Do we have to have the leftover prawn crackers for breakfast?
0:18:51 > 0:18:52No' if you don't want to.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55Separate tumblers for the teeth?
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Aye. Let's go crazy.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Bedroom. Now!
0:19:32 > 0:19:34This is the full bhuna this, in't it? Aye.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36My arse is makin' buttons here, Jack.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38All stand.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45I don't think you've got tae dae that, Jack.
0:19:45 > 0:19:46Jack! Victor!
0:19:50 > 0:19:54Case number 804. McCormack against Henderson.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59Who represents the defender? Martin Bradshaw, my Lord,
0:19:59 > 0:20:02of Bradshaw, Tennant, Osterman, Hendley and Kellerman.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04The pursuer?
0:20:05 > 0:20:08That's us. Eh?
0:20:08 > 0:20:13Ahem, Jack Jarvis and Victor McDade, your worship,
0:20:13 > 0:20:20of eh, Jarvis, MacDade, Osprey, Heights, and Craiglang.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23Morning, everyone. Objection!
0:20:23 > 0:20:26It's two minutes past twelve.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Um. Good afternoon.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31Would the two parties like to present their case?
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Mr Henderson. Do you wear glasses?
0:20:36 > 0:20:38I do, yes. May I see them?
0:20:41 > 0:20:45Let the record show Mr Henderson has handed me his spectacles.
0:20:45 > 0:20:51Could you look towards my learned colleague and tell the court what you see in his hands?
0:20:51 > 0:20:54From here? I can't. I'm sorry.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Something brown.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Put your glasses back on.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Certainly.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Now tell the court what you see.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Oh, right. It's a beefy bake.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11This "something brown"
0:21:11 > 0:21:14was indeed something.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16A beefy bake.
0:21:23 > 0:21:27So it'd be fair to say you've led a privileged life.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Yes. I would agree with that.
0:21:31 > 0:21:32Well, he hasnae!
0:21:32 > 0:21:36His arse is hangin' oot his troosers!
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Your arse is lined with diamonds.
0:21:38 > 0:21:42I put it to you, sir, that you are a thieving arsehole!
0:21:42 > 0:21:44Objection, my Lord!
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Sustained!
0:21:48 > 0:21:51So you've abstained from drinking for nine months now? Yes.
0:21:51 > 0:21:55So when you were drinking, how much alcohol would you go through in an average day? Objection!
0:21:55 > 0:21:59Yes? Our client would have no way of knowing the answer to that due to
0:21:59 > 0:22:03the fact that he's a raging alky and his brain is like scambled egg.
0:22:04 > 0:22:08I have to concur with my associate. Mr Bradshaw refers to how much alcohol.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11But technically, this is an incorrect line of questioning
0:22:11 > 0:22:18because it could also have been Methylated spirits, hair lacquer or indeed on one occasion, Turps. M'lud.
0:22:20 > 0:22:27So the beefy bake, we are agreed, was invented on the morning of September 15, 1979.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Correct.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31And at this time, was Mr McCormack in your employ?
0:22:31 > 0:22:33He was.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36So for the avoidance of doubt, Mr McCormack was being paid by you,
0:22:36 > 0:22:40or in layman's terms, clocked in, when he invented the beefy bake.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Exactly.
0:22:42 > 0:22:43Objection!
0:22:43 > 0:22:47Hold on a second. Mr Bradshaw, where are you going with this?
0:22:47 > 0:22:51I'm simply showing that the beefy bake was invented on Mr Henderson's time.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53- Carry on. - Objection!
0:22:53 > 0:22:54What is it now?
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Bear in mind, this objection had better be good
0:22:56 > 0:22:59because all your others have been frankly, preposterous.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02Your last one was someone in the gallery was eating and
0:23:02 > 0:23:05it was putting you off because you hadn't had your lunch yet.
0:23:07 > 0:23:12It is being said that Pete, well, Mr McCormack was clocked in.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14But he wasn't.
0:23:14 > 0:23:19Because September 15th 1979 was a Sunday.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Yes. And? Since that factory opened...
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Remember you're still under oath.
0:23:24 > 0:23:28Yes, your honour. Since it opened, there's been no production on a Sunday.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30The ovens were switched aff.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32That's when we did the cleanin'.
0:23:32 > 0:23:36So I made the beefy bake in ma hoose. In ma oven.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39I brought it in for him to taste it.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42Is this true? Are the ovens always off on a Sunday?
0:23:44 > 0:23:45Yes, my Lord.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47CHATTERING
0:23:47 > 0:23:50Could counsel approach the bench?
0:24:01 > 0:24:04This is like the telly, in't it? I beg your pardon?
0:24:04 > 0:24:08Approach the bench. Jack, sssh.
0:24:08 > 0:24:12I must say, Mr Bradshaw, I'm surprised at the way you've conducted your case today.
0:24:12 > 0:24:19You are maintaining this man invented this tasty bake on your time. Beefy. Tasty beefy...
0:24:19 > 0:24:21- Beefy bake. - Whatever.
0:24:21 > 0:24:25But this thing was in fact invented at Mr McCormack's home.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28Your client cannot own a man 24 hours a day.
0:24:28 > 0:24:33I'm going to call a recess to establish whether or not the date in question was a Sunday.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36If it was, believe me. It will be pivotal.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39And not in your client's favour.
0:24:39 > 0:24:43So if it was a Sunday, that's a kick in the balls for them, in't it?
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Just go to lunch.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Looking good, in't it? Aye, it's looking good.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52What do you think the judge is gonna say?
0:24:52 > 0:24:55It's gonna be a settlement. Ten grand. 100 grand.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58I really don't know.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01But ye've seen the set-up in there. It's going to be serious.
0:25:01 > 0:25:06Jack! Victor! That's Tam on the phone. Wee boy! Eight pounds six ounces.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09CHEERING
0:25:18 > 0:25:22OK. How does it feel, at 64, to be the oldest mother in Britain?
0:25:22 > 0:25:26It's marvellous. What age are you, sir? 70.
0:25:26 > 0:25:31Incredible. You looking forward to sleepless nights?
0:25:31 > 0:25:32I cannae wait.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37At today's cost of living, they say in a baby's first year,
0:25:37 > 0:25:41a family can spend ?3,000. Cannae put a price on happiness.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50Oh! Jesus. Look at the time. We better get our skates on.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55Where's Pete? Oh, ho, ho!
0:25:55 > 0:25:58It's a beautiful day!
0:25:58 > 0:26:02A new baby in Craiglang!
0:26:02 > 0:26:05I'm gaun' for a pish!
0:26:15 > 0:26:20Henderson, your arse is collapsing!
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Yep.
0:26:22 > 0:26:23It sure is.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28All stand!
0:26:35 > 0:26:38Oh, there ye are.
0:26:38 > 0:26:44Ye can take yer stupid wig aff and go have a lie-doon.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46The party's over!
0:26:46 > 0:26:50If I could interrupt for a minute, my Lord?
0:26:50 > 0:26:55During the recess, my client and Mr McCormack managed to come to an amicable arrangement
0:26:55 > 0:26:59and are pleased to announce we no longer need to trouble the court with this matter.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Oh...
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Are you happy enough with this settlement, Mr McCormack?
0:27:03 > 0:27:07Happy as a gypsy's dug wi' two cocks!
0:27:10 > 0:27:13What huv ye done? Wait till ye see what I'm getting.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32Right. Breakfast!
0:28:17 > 0:28:20Aw, that's marvellous in't it?
0:28:20 > 0:28:23Look at him grabbing my finger!
0:28:23 > 0:28:26Aye. He's as tight-fisted as his da!
0:28:29 > 0:28:31Right. We'll get away and let ye get on with it.
0:28:31 > 0:28:33Get some peace.
0:28:33 > 0:28:35C'mon, boys. Wee bit of luck, eh?
0:28:35 > 0:28:37Oh, aye.
0:28:47 > 0:28:50Here, I think this is going to work out just fine!