0:00:00 > 0:00:01Honestly, Tam. See, if you fell in the Clyde, you'd come out with a salmon in yer mooth.
0:00:01 > 0:00:01I'm gonna look oot ma good suit!
0:00:34 > 0:00:36BABIES CRY IN BACKGROUND
0:00:36 > 0:00:39Never thought I'd find masel' in a bloody baby store.
0:00:41 > 0:00:45I know. It's like a supermarket, they've got everything -
0:00:45 > 0:00:48toys, prams, sterilisers. It's mental.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51That's Tam doon a financial hole, noo.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54New mums, they want all this stuff. It geez em peace of mind.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56Everything's gotta be perfect, you know?
0:00:58 > 0:01:00What aboot this?
0:01:00 > 0:01:02No, we'll get him something to wear.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04What about this?
0:01:04 > 0:01:06He's a week old, for God's sake.
0:01:06 > 0:01:07He'll grow intae it!
0:01:07 > 0:01:12Aye, in aboot twelve bloody year! Oh, we'll get him a wee sleepsuit.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15There's yer change. So, which one of youse is the new grandfather?
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Nah, it's our pal that's had a baby.
0:01:17 > 0:01:18Yer pal? Aye.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21He's 70. It was in the paper.
0:01:21 > 0:01:22Oh, I read about that.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25They'll have there work cut out for them there, eh? Not half. Cheery-bye.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Cheery-bye!
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Here, Jack, look at this...
0:01:33 > 0:01:34125 pound!
0:01:39 > 0:01:42It's a clown! It is a clown!
0:01:42 > 0:01:44It's obvious it's a clown! You're a clown!
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Have you seen the price of cots?
0:01:46 > 0:01:49I cannae tell youse how much I've forked out on baby stuff this week.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51I've got to make savings somewhere!
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Has Frances seen this?
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Not yet, no.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58There's splinters sticking oot and everything, Tam.
0:01:58 > 0:01:59Aye, and what the hell's this?
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Bend that back in.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08Frances is gonna take one look at that and order you to smash it up.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10How will she?
0:02:10 > 0:02:13My father built my cot. It's a tradition.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Your father was a joiner! Ah, shut up!
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Here, here's an idea.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Why don't you get a bit of string, wrap all this shite up
0:02:21 > 0:02:23and make a mobile for the wee baby?
0:02:24 > 0:02:26TELEPHONE RINGS
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Tam Mullen, 0200...
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Uh-huh. Yes.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Oh, that sounds nice.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43And who would be paying for that?
0:02:43 > 0:02:46Business class? Of course, business class, aye.
0:02:48 > 0:02:53A room? No, no, no, no, no. You see we'd need a suite because we'd be taking the baby with us.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56Right, then. Speak to you in the morning.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02What's my best side, boys?
0:03:02 > 0:03:03That side or that side?
0:03:03 > 0:03:04What you talking aboot?
0:03:04 > 0:03:07I'm gonnae be on Lorraine Kelly.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11What does Lorraine Kelly want with the likes of you?
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Because Frances is Britain's oldest mother. It's news!
0:03:14 > 0:03:17They're going to take us down and put us up in a fancy hotel.
0:03:17 > 0:03:21Honestly, Tam. See, if you fell in the Clyde, you'd come out with a salmon in yer mooth.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23I'm gonna look oot ma good suit!
0:03:23 > 0:03:24FABRIC TEARS
0:03:29 > 0:03:30VICTOR AND JACK LAUGH
0:03:34 > 0:03:39SOFT MUSIC PLAYS IN BACKGROUND
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Lorraine Kelly!
0:03:43 > 0:03:48I tell you this, Jack, Tam may be down there rubbing shoulders with the famous,
0:03:48 > 0:03:50but he cannot do what we're doin'.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Do what? We're no' doin' anything.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Exactly. Tam's no gonnae have any time to just dae nothing.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Sit, relax with a book and a can, feet up.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02No, no' with a newborn.
0:04:02 > 0:04:06See, what Tam's done is he's took the natural order and he's snapped it.
0:04:06 > 0:04:10The way it's supposed to work is you're born, you grow up,
0:04:10 > 0:04:14you get a wife, then you have weans, then you work your tits aff bringing them up.
0:04:14 > 0:04:19Then they leave, then you get to sit on yer arse. Smashin'. Aye.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23Tam's got it all upside doon. I mean, what age is he, 70?
0:04:23 > 0:04:24New wean, by Christ?
0:04:26 > 0:04:31I mean, what's he gonna dae, right, when that boy's 16, and full of himsel' and givin' it,
0:04:31 > 0:04:34"I'm goin' oot tae get steamin' drunk
0:04:34 > 0:04:36"and smash windaes and sniff glue"?
0:04:36 > 0:04:42Tam's sittin' there, well intae his eighties, givin' it, "No yer no'."
0:04:42 > 0:04:46"I am, you auld bastard. And your not gonnae dae anything aboot it."
0:04:46 > 0:04:53So Tam's like that. He gets up, arms like knittin' needles, "I'll stick one on your bloody chin!"
0:04:53 > 0:04:58And the boy goes, "Sit your arse, you old prick, while I rifle through yer pockets."
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Doesn't bear thinking aboot, does it?
0:05:00 > 0:05:05Aye, ye need yer strength tae keep a boy in line. You've got to be young.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09I wouldnae swap places wi' Tam for all the tea in China.
0:05:09 > 0:05:10No, me neither.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13TELEPHONE RINGS Who's that?
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Hello?
0:05:21 > 0:05:22All right.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29No, I don't know what you should do, either. Piss off!
0:05:30 > 0:05:32That was Tam. That's them in the hotel.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35He says he diesnae know whether to have a big steak sent to the room,
0:05:35 > 0:05:38beast into the minibar or have a splash in the Jacuzzi.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55CHEERING
0:05:55 > 0:06:00Coming up after the break, I'm going to be meeting a couple who've just have just had a lovely wee baby.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03"Where's the news in that?", I hear you ask.
0:06:03 > 0:06:10Well, the mother of that baby is 64 years of age, and that makes her Britain's oldest mum.
0:06:10 > 0:06:11We'll be right back.
0:06:14 > 0:06:18Here, you think they're paying them? It's Tam we're talkin' aboot, here.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20He'll have wangled a fee. Aye.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Hotels, flights up and doon to London.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24I don't think they pay guests on they types of shows.
0:06:24 > 0:06:28Lorraine Kelly'll be hoovering all the money oot it for herself.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Aye, you're right, aye.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33There'll be nothing left for any other silly bastard. Yeah, she must be padded.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Aye, she's padded.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38And a wee ride intae the bargain!
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Aye. She's awe mumsy and pumpable.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42That drives me off my nut!
0:06:42 > 0:06:46She's my number two after Judy Finnegan. Away, for Christ sake!
0:06:46 > 0:06:49You would take Judy Finnegan over Lorraine Kelly?
0:06:49 > 0:06:51That's like refusing a Ferrari and taking a Morris Minor.
0:06:51 > 0:06:55But yer forgettin', Jack, the Morris Minor's got the big, sticky-oot head lamps.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58Aye, I'll gie ye that. Oh, oh, oh!
0:06:58 > 0:07:02Still to come, this season's sassy shoes with our Mark - from the High Street, of course.
0:07:02 > 0:07:07First, though, let's meet Frances and Tam Mullen and their beautiful new baby.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Absolutely gorgeous. What have you called him?
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Well, he's only a week old, so we're still negotiating.
0:07:13 > 0:07:21I like Christopher, Frederick, Crawford and I really like Augustus, I think that sounds quite noble.
0:07:21 > 0:07:22But Tam doesn't agree.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25Oh, what name are you holding out for, then, Tam? Tam.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Tam? Aye.
0:07:27 > 0:07:31That gies ye, "Oh, look! There's Big Tam and Wee Tam." Or auld Tam and Young Tam, if you like.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Right. I quite like Augustus.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36No. Tam.
0:07:36 > 0:07:42OK. Frances, what's it like being Britain's oldest mum at 64?
0:07:42 > 0:07:45It's quite strange. We never planned it, that's for sure.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47No, no. We did not.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51I hope you don't mind me saying, you know, but you're both no longer young.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54Have you got friends to help you out with baby-sitting and things?
0:07:54 > 0:07:59It's quite tricky. I've only got my sister and she lives down he coast, and Tam doesn't have any family.
0:07:59 > 0:08:04But we've got a good pal, Isa, who I'm sure would love to baby-sit.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06In't that right, Isa?
0:08:08 > 0:08:11Oh, it's official, Isa. It's been on the telly.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13You're first in line for a usin'!
0:08:13 > 0:08:15That'll be bloody right.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18If he comes to ma door looking for a baby-sitter I'll no' be in!
0:08:18 > 0:08:20So, how are you coping with the sleepless nights?
0:08:20 > 0:08:25Well, I'm no spring chicken myself, Lorraine, and I'm a wee bit set in ma ways.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28I like a can of beer - well, a few cans, really -
0:08:28 > 0:08:31so during the night I'm generally comatose, snoring the bit oot.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34She'll be getting up. I'll no' even hear it greetin'. It?!
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Aye. Until we're agreed on Tam it's getting called "it."
0:08:37 > 0:08:39ALL: Oh!
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Oh, he's called the wee 'un "it" on national television!
0:08:42 > 0:08:47Frances, now, there's been a lot of media attention over this birth, hasn't there?
0:08:47 > 0:08:50You're on here, I imagine that companies have been in touch?
0:08:50 > 0:08:54You know, offering you complimentary baby items? Eh?
0:08:54 > 0:08:57So, what I really wanted to talk about... Whoa, whoa - put yer foot on the brakes, sweetheart.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00What was that about complimentary baby items?
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Well, when something so special, you know, like this happens,
0:09:02 > 0:09:07big companies fall over themselves to associate their goods with you.
0:09:07 > 0:09:12So you'll get free baby items - toys, nappies, that kind of thing. Has that not happened?
0:09:12 > 0:09:16No. How do we go about that? Well, I'm sure they'll be in touch.
0:09:16 > 0:09:20Let me give you the details in case you need to get in touch.
0:09:22 > 0:09:250141 946 0200.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28We can't give that out on air. Sssh now, sweetheart.
0:09:28 > 0:09:32Tam and Frances Mullen, 25 Ratloch Road, Craiglang.
0:09:32 > 0:09:36Tam, you can't do that! The doorbell's no' working so gi' the door a tap.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Oh!
0:09:42 > 0:09:43KNOCKING
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Hello!
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Visitors! Are you in?
0:09:48 > 0:09:51All right, Frances, there? Hello, Tam.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55Oh, how's the wee bundle of joy, there? He's grand, Jack. Thanks.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Youse were good on the telly.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Here's a couple of keepsakes.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Oh... Mugs?
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Aye. Lifted them off Lorraine's table.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07You'll need to gie them a rinse oot, they're still dirty.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Welcome!
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Youse couldnae do us a favour, eh?
0:10:11 > 0:10:15Seen that comin' Look after the wean for a couple of hours? Well...
0:10:17 > 0:10:20We're kinda busy. We were gonnae ask Isa but she's no' in.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23No' in? On a Thursday?
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Isa!! ..She's normally in.
0:10:32 > 0:10:33Isa!!
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Bastard!
0:10:39 > 0:10:42The thing, is we need to go into town to meet a media agent. A media agent?
0:10:42 > 0:10:47Aye. The phone's been ringing off the hook since Lorraine Kelly.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Companies phoning us up, want to deals wi' their products.
0:10:50 > 0:10:51Nappies and that. Baby stuff.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53It's big!
0:10:53 > 0:10:57How long you gonna be away? Without the wean we'll be in and out in two hours.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Look at the wee soul. He's sound asleep. Aye, but for how long, Jack?
0:11:03 > 0:11:06How long? Oh, he'll be sound now for a good three or four hours.
0:11:06 > 0:11:11I just fed him. If he wakes, just heat up the bottle in his bag, give him it and he'll go back over.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Heat up a bottles now?
0:11:16 > 0:11:17HE SIGHS HEAVILY
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Aye, we'll dae it. Aye. Thanks.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26Right, is that the time? I better be getting off to the bookies! ..Hold the lift.
0:11:32 > 0:11:38So, to recap, we are offering two years' commitment.
0:11:38 > 0:11:43You'll never have to buy a single nappy. Thanks, Susan.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Finally, Brian.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48Brian's with First Taste baby foods.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50What's happened to you both, well...
0:11:50 > 0:11:52it's a beautiful miracle.
0:11:52 > 0:11:57We at First Taste baby foods would like to wish you well.
0:11:57 > 0:12:02Now, having a baby can be a stressful time, and we would like to be the ones to help.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05You know what would help me? What's that?
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Wads of cash.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10Wads of cash? Aye.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13Let me tell you a bit about my background.
0:12:13 > 0:12:17I am a dirty miserable bastard
0:12:17 > 0:12:19and I'm famous for it.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23I come from a long line of tight arses. It's in my blood
0:12:23 > 0:12:29and I'd like to think that when the wee fella, when he grows up, he, too, will be a dirty miserable bastard.
0:12:30 > 0:12:34My good lady here is Britain's oldest mother.
0:12:34 > 0:12:38Now, that's worth something. I know youse know that.
0:12:38 > 0:12:43Free nappies, bibs, food, talcum...
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Nah.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Anybody want to talk aboot money today?
0:12:48 > 0:12:55You're clearly a very shrewd man, Mr Mullen, so I would like to revise our offer.
0:12:55 > 0:12:56How does this sound?
0:12:56 > 0:13:00A five-year advertising campaign fronted by you and your wife,
0:13:00 > 0:13:02with your baby's image on every jar we sell.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05From every jar we sell, we'll pay you one pence.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07One pence?
0:13:07 > 0:13:09One pence a jar?! One pence a jar.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11How many jars do you sell a year?
0:13:11 > 0:13:1212 million.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Can I borrow your calculator, please?
0:13:20 > 0:13:22BABY SCREAMS AND CRIES
0:13:22 > 0:13:25This is nae use. I can still hear it.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27It's like a bloody fire alarm.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29It's cuttin' through me like a knife.
0:13:29 > 0:13:35I'm gonna kill tha bastard and his skinny wife when he gets back here! That's four hours!
0:13:35 > 0:13:37We need to dae something.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Why's it greetin' like that? I don't know.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Maybe it's shat itself! Well, I'm not getting involved in that!
0:13:47 > 0:13:52No, me neither. Away and bang Isa's door again, she'll know what tae dae! I'm going to get the bottle.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Isa! Isa, open this door!
0:13:59 > 0:14:01We know you're in there, Jack seen ye!
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Hello, Victor. What is it?
0:14:07 > 0:14:12You know fine well what it is! Come and gie us a hand with this baby, it's pullin' place doon!
0:14:16 > 0:14:18BABY CONTINUES SCREAMING AND CRYING
0:14:18 > 0:14:21There, there, my wee lamb. Come on, noo.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Shh.
0:14:23 > 0:14:24Isa!
0:14:24 > 0:14:27You're a genius!
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Jack, come see this.
0:14:29 > 0:14:34Jack?
0:14:53 > 0:14:56Oh, Jack, you're all right?
0:14:56 > 0:14:58That was a helluva fright you gied me!
0:14:58 > 0:15:02I'm sorry. No, no, no. There's nothing tae apologise for.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05I thought you were deid in that kitchen. I dunno what happened.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07I just felt the lights goin' oot.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09What's caused that, Doctor?
0:15:09 > 0:15:11We don't know. We need to find out why he blacked out.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14We're gonna put him in a ward and the next thing will be an angiogram.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17A whatogram? Nothing to worry about yet, Mr Jarvis.
0:15:17 > 0:15:21We inject some dye and check that your valves are working. It's very routine.
0:15:21 > 0:15:25So, it's his heart? It might be. That's what we're gonna find out.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Now, I'm afraid you're gonna have to excuse us.
0:15:40 > 0:15:41Victor.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45Victor.
0:15:46 > 0:15:47Eh?
0:15:47 > 0:15:50Oh, how you feeling?
0:15:50 > 0:15:53Aye, no' bad. How long you been sittin' there?
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Three hours.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Away up the road. You're like Greyfriars Bobby, there!
0:16:00 > 0:16:02No, no. I'll stay with you.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05I'll no' die on you, on you go.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Right. I'll go to your hoose and let masel' in.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12I'll get your 'jamas and that, you know?
0:16:12 > 0:16:15I'll get you food, a magazine, juice.
0:16:15 > 0:16:19I'll do you up a wee kit bag. Oh, and I'll bring yer tranny. I'll come straight back.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25And jelly babies. You love them.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28It's ten o'clock at night, Victor. You can dae that in the morning.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30No. I'll dae it the night.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32You'd dae the same for me.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36We've got to watch oot for each other, Jack.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38We havenae got anybody else.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40I'll be away one hour.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Thanks, Victor.
0:16:43 > 0:16:44Nae bother, Jack.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54BIRD SINGS
0:16:54 > 0:16:57Morning, Jack.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Mornin', Victor.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Aye, I know.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05I took a dizzy turn when I was leaving the hospital last night.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07I went doon the stairs heed first.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10Boof! Unconscious. I never even made it to the bus stop.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Away, ya stupid bastard.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16So that's me wi' nae jammies, nae juice and nae Jelly Babies?
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Are you all right?
0:17:20 > 0:17:23I've bashed a couple of ribs and ma wrist is humped.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Oh, and here's the rub.
0:17:25 > 0:17:29I've tae get one of they angiogram thingmies 'an all.
0:17:29 > 0:17:30JACK SIGHS
0:17:31 > 0:17:32It's ma fault.
0:17:32 > 0:17:36I shouldnae have pissed aff to the bookies and left them. I feel bad.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38No. If anyone's to blame, it's me.
0:17:38 > 0:17:43If I'd have opened the door and taken wean in, this might never have happened.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45One pence a jar...
0:17:45 > 0:17:47I shoulda pushed for two!
0:17:47 > 0:17:49You know what, you bastard?
0:17:49 > 0:17:51You're a ball hair away from getting a boot in the stones. Eh?
0:17:51 > 0:17:56That's the boys there lyin' up there in hospital, and all you can think aboot how much money yer gonna make!
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Steady on, Winston. I'm worried aboot Jack and Victor an' all.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02Selfish! Who, me? Aye, you.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Ye've aye been selfish, Tam.
0:18:04 > 0:18:08Because I didnae want to drag the wean into the toon on a freezing cauld day?
0:18:08 > 0:18:10How is that selfish?
0:18:10 > 0:18:14I don't see why I'm getting all the blame for this. That wean is your responsibility.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17He's only a week old and already yer dumping him off on folk.
0:18:17 > 0:18:21I have no' dumped him on anybody. Jack and Victor are friends of mine.
0:18:21 > 0:18:25I trust them. I don't just go leavin' ma wean wi' anybody!
0:18:25 > 0:18:28Mr Mullen, yer baby's gone aff its nut.
0:18:28 > 0:18:32It totally won't stop cryin', and I've got to get back to school.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Stick his dummy in, son, I'll be oot in a minute!
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Away ye go, ya daft auld poof!
0:18:39 > 0:18:42Eh? You couldnae handle goin' up the road yersel'
0:18:42 > 0:18:45so you threw yersel' doon the stairs of the hospital
0:18:45 > 0:18:48just so you could jump into the bed next to him. Shut yer hole!
0:18:48 > 0:18:50So, have youse had all yer tests?
0:18:50 > 0:18:53Aye. It's just that we're lying here, waiting noo.
0:18:55 > 0:18:56What like's the grub?
0:18:56 > 0:19:03Dynamite. Aye, that boy Jamie Oliver comes round every day and cooks it fresh at the bottom of yer bed(!)
0:19:03 > 0:19:07Aye. He did me a big plate of scrambled egg this morning wi' a lovely thing all through.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10What was it called again? Superbug. Smashin'(!)
0:19:10 > 0:19:12BELL RINGS
0:19:12 > 0:19:16It's a quick hour, innit? You've no' said much, Tam.
0:19:16 > 0:19:20Ah, well, they two have been gein' me it tight since I left the wean wi' yeez.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23Ach, well. That's the end of that, then.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26These things happen. How you gettin' on wi' that free stuff?
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Aye, they're talkin aboot makin' an advert, puttin' me and Frances in it.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31Is that right? That's magic.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Here, Jack.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37I've got this for you. Keep you warm the night.
0:19:37 > 0:19:42Hey, they've got blankets in here to keep them warm at night. Put that back in your pocket. Busted.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Here, hen. I've done them a couple of filled rolls, would that be OK?
0:19:45 > 0:19:48That'll be fine. Smashing.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Right. That's us offski.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52See you later.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Afternoon, gentlemen.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02I have your angiogram results.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05If I could have a word with you first, Mr MacDade.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08It's all right. You can speak in front of him, son. He's an old pal.
0:20:08 > 0:20:13Well, we've had a look at your tests and we've diagnosed you as a clumsy bugger.
0:20:13 > 0:20:18There's nothing wrong with your heart, but what I would suggest is you make sure you're eating properly,
0:20:18 > 0:20:22and try not to do too much running around at your age.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25Right-o, son. So, I'm fit to go?
0:20:25 > 0:20:29Yes. Have a quick word with the nurse and you can go home.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Right. Me.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44I cannae believe you're getting oot. I cannae believe you're no'.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Bloody bypass.
0:20:46 > 0:20:52So when are they saying? Wednesday. Two o'clock in the afternoon. Right.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54I've got a theory, you know.
0:20:54 > 0:20:55What's that?
0:20:56 > 0:20:58One in, one out.
0:20:58 > 0:20:59What are you talking about?
0:20:59 > 0:21:03Well, Tam and Frances, they've got a new baby.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05That's a new life in Craiglang.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09By my reckoning, that means some old duffer's got tae check out.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Make space for it.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13It's him up the stairs making a balance.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Listen to yersel!
0:21:16 > 0:21:20Ye're no giein' yersel the best possible chance worryin' aboot garbage like that, are ye?
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Well, I'm worried, Victor.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Listen, Jack.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29We've been through a lot of stuff together.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31A lot of hard shit in wur time.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36But our time isnae done yet!
0:21:36 > 0:21:40This is what the Yankees call a curve ball.
0:21:40 > 0:21:47And if he's throwing you one, you, Jack Jarvis, you've got tae bat it oot the park.
0:21:47 > 0:21:48Victor?
0:21:48 > 0:21:51Aye. Where is it you get all that shite?
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Aff all they crappy movies they show in the afternoon.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Wednesday, then.
0:22:04 > 0:22:05Wednesday.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18Look, will ye listen, Fiona, darling?
0:22:18 > 0:22:21Look, take a telling. I don't want you here.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23No, there isnae any point...
0:22:25 > 0:22:28I hear what you're saying, aye, but look,
0:22:28 > 0:22:31I'll be doon and I'll be back on the ward before you know what's happened.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Anyway, I've got Victor here.
0:22:34 > 0:22:39I know that. Yeah, but I'm no' frightened, so that's all that matters, in't it?.
0:22:39 > 0:22:44Well, you know me, I'll no die in ma bloody bed!
0:22:44 > 0:22:48Right. As soon as I'm about masel I'll gie ye a call.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52Now listen, darling, I don't want you worrying. Right?
0:22:52 > 0:22:55OK. Right, well, kiss the boys for me.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58All right? OK.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00I love you too...
0:23:00 > 0:23:04Right ye are. That's my money, I'll see you later.
0:23:04 > 0:23:05Alrighty. Bye.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19What yous all wanting?
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Whisky.
0:23:23 > 0:23:24I'll take a sherry, Tam.
0:23:24 > 0:23:25Gies a lager.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33Put your money back in your pocket, Tam.
0:23:33 > 0:23:34No.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41Fiona!
0:23:41 > 0:23:43How you daein', darling? Where's ma dad, Victor?
0:23:43 > 0:23:47He's no gone in yet. I didnae think you were coming.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Jack says he telt you no' tae come.
0:23:49 > 0:23:50When did I ever listen to ma dad, Victor?
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Dad?
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Oh, Fiona.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00I thought I told you to stay at home? How you feeling?
0:24:00 > 0:24:02I'm just tired, darling.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06How long is the operation, Doctor?
0:24:06 > 0:24:08I can't really say. Generally it's fairly routine.
0:24:08 > 0:24:15But I'll not kid you on. When the patient is this age, this procedure has a good deal more risk involved.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Now we're going to do our best for him. But we really need to go.
0:24:28 > 0:24:29Don't worry. Well, I AM worried.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31He's my dad, he's old.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44MONITOR BEEPS
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Shit... Quick!
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Where the bloody hell are you going?
0:25:23 > 0:25:25I'm going to Jean, Victor.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29It's time. No it's no'.
0:25:30 > 0:25:34Sorry darling, I kinda need him for a wee bit longer.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Jack... Jack...
0:25:37 > 0:25:38Oot the way, Victor.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Naw. Get doon they stairs.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44Ja-ack!
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Back aff, ya spooky bitch!
0:25:47 > 0:25:48Come on. Shift yer arse.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Quit shovin'.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Fiona darling. Victor.
0:26:02 > 0:26:06Jackie boy! Good to see you again! How you feelin', Dad?
0:26:08 > 0:26:09I was right there.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12That was something else, that was.
0:26:12 > 0:26:13Where?
0:26:13 > 0:26:15Up there.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Saw yer mother.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22Aye, she was beautiful.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24She was young, just the way I remember her.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26That's good, Dad.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30He called her a spooky bitch.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33Eh? Did ye? Indeed I did not! Aye, ye did!
0:26:33 > 0:26:36As if I'd call her that! When was this supposed to have happened?
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Up there. I called your missus a spooky bitch?
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Aye, and then you shoved me doon the stairs.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43You're out yer tits on morphine, Jack.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15So much choice.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17At 64, I'm Britain's oldest mum.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20And when you're that bit older, you're that bit wiser.
0:27:20 > 0:27:25And that's why the obvious choice for our baby... Tam Junior...
0:27:25 > 0:27:29...has to be First Taste Original Organic Selection.
0:27:29 > 0:27:33First Taste - still doing it after all these years.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35You old fox!
0:27:35 > 0:27:38And cut! Great.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42Well done, that was terrific. Thank you very much.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44So, when do the new jars hit the shelves, then?
0:27:44 > 0:27:46Oh, it'll be about three weeks.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49About the same time the advert's coming out. ..Excuse me.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51Hello? What's wrong?
0:27:51 > 0:27:53You got a paper? Paper? Give me the paper.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55What page?
0:28:00 > 0:28:01Oh, shit!
0:28:01 > 0:28:03Cut that.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05That's us out of here. Come on, let's go.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10I'll do it for half a pence a jar!
0:28:15 > 0:28:18Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:18 > 0:28:21E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
0:28:25 > 0:28:28This is one of the most fire-prone regions on earth.
0:28:30 > 0:28:33How far are we from the fire now?
0:28:33 > 0:28:38I can see the trees have been completely scorched and blackened.
0:28:41 > 0:28:44I've just bought a piece of Amazon.
0:28:44 > 0:28:47Just on the other side of this hill.