0:00:35 > 0:00:37KNOCK ON DOOR
0:00:37 > 0:00:38HE GIGGLES
0:00:38 > 0:00:40It's open. Clockwork.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42VICTOR WHISTLES
0:00:44 > 0:00:46- Top of the morning, Jack boy. - Aye, morning, Victor.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49- A wee bit nippy out there. - Is it?- Aye.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59- What's happening? - "What's happening?"
0:00:59 > 0:01:02Oh, give us a chance, Jack, I've no' looked at the paper yet.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04No, the other paper. My paper to read.
0:01:04 > 0:01:05Oh, I just got the one.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07That's no' how it works.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10One of us does the rolls, the Penguins and the teas, and the
0:01:10 > 0:01:12other one jumps down to the shop, gets two different newspapers,
0:01:12 > 0:01:15- we read them, then we swap them. - Aye, but the two papers
0:01:15 > 0:01:18had the same headline, they put the cost of the papers up...
0:01:18 > 0:01:19One will do us, eh?
0:01:19 > 0:01:22I'll read this, then I'll give it to you.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Jeezo, didn't see that coming.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Ooft.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30That's a surprise.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32- HE GASPS - He's no' dead, is he?
0:01:32 > 0:01:33Let me get this straight.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36You get to sit there and get the news first-hand,
0:01:36 > 0:01:38while I've to sit here with no news, like a daftie?
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Completely oot of the loop.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42A caveman, a Cro-Magnon.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Put the telly on or something.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Of course, they didn't have telly back in Cro-Magnon times, did they?
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Make a fire or whatever it is you people dae.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Do you want the paper?
0:01:57 > 0:01:59No. Just give me that wee magazine they always stick in the middle.
0:01:59 > 0:02:00I like that.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06- HE IMITATES A CAVEMAN: - Magazine, gift.
0:02:06 > 0:02:07Good pictures.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10I will fashion a spear and stick it up your arse.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12- HE IMITATES A CAVEMAN: - Make eyes water.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Ah, the Futuroo magazine, I love this.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Full of clever stuff that you can only buy in the shops.
0:02:20 > 0:02:21Oh, a thermal cup.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23"Keep your cuppa piping hot."
0:02:23 > 0:02:25I don't see the benefit of that, Jack.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Oh, well, make a cup of tea, you go to get a biscuit,
0:02:27 > 0:02:29you fall, you snap your leg.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32You're up the hospital, lying on a gurney.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Four hours - ignored.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37So then you're back doon the road again, gasping for a cup of tea,
0:02:37 > 0:02:40greetin' with the pain. Tea, tea, tea!
0:02:40 > 0:02:41And then you're like that, "Oh, hello!"
0:02:41 > 0:02:45Roasting hot cup of tea on the sideboard, just where I left it.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Oh, that is a handy thing, aye.
0:02:47 > 0:02:48Bad fracture, nice hot cup of tea.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Oh, it's the shite you get as well.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Oh, dear. The Eggmaster 3000.
0:02:55 > 0:02:56This is aimed at the wankers, aye.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59You put eggs in it at night before you go to bed.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01- Uh-huh?- And when you wake up in the morning,
0:03:01 > 0:03:03they're boiled, ready for you.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06If you order it before the end of the month,
0:03:06 > 0:03:08you qualify for a toasty soldier companion.
0:03:10 > 0:03:11Gee us a look at that, Jack.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14No. I'll read it first and then I'll gee it to you.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Eggmaster 3000.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21What sort of windae licker would stump up the cash for that, eh?
0:03:21 > 0:03:24Yes, the Eggmaster 3000, please.
0:03:27 > 0:03:31Am I still eligible for the toasty soldier companion?
0:03:33 > 0:03:34You dancing bear!
0:03:35 > 0:03:37No, that's great. Thanking you.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Would I like expedited delivery?
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Um, what does expedited mean?
0:03:45 > 0:03:46Quicker?
0:03:46 > 0:03:47Oh, aye, hen.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Aye, gee us that. Cheerio now.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51DOORBELL RINGS
0:03:52 > 0:03:53Good service.
0:03:56 > 0:03:57Registered letter.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Is that your signature, aye?
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Yes. Same as it's always been.
0:04:10 > 0:04:11Yingamee-yingam-yingam!
0:04:18 > 0:04:19Oh, dear.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Better get the hoover out.
0:04:27 > 0:04:32# You and me are always meant to be. #
0:04:34 > 0:04:38Isa. You know, I never give you anything.
0:04:38 > 0:04:39How do you mean, Navid?
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Eh?
0:04:44 > 0:04:46- Eh?- A mop?!
0:04:46 > 0:04:47Not just any mop.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50I've got you something from the Futuroo catalogue.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52This is the Floor Hero.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54I'm no' needing that, Navid.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56I like my string mop.
0:04:56 > 0:04:57Oh, come on, Isa.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03This looks like it's had chemo.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08And anyway, the Floor Hero gives you Bluetooth.
0:05:08 > 0:05:09Bluetooth?
0:05:09 > 0:05:12It's normally just Dettol I use.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Dear, oh, dear, Isa.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17Bluetooth gives you wireless music.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21- Wireless?- And it makes your mopping a whole lot easier,
0:05:21 > 0:05:24because music makes a chore pass much quicker.
0:05:26 > 0:05:27SHE SIGHS
0:05:30 > 0:05:31BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYS
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Oh!
0:05:34 > 0:05:36It's got a lovely fast action!
0:05:39 > 0:05:40- Ooh-hoo! - DOORBELL RINGS
0:05:42 > 0:05:47- SHE SHOUTS:- Hello, Winston. Navid bought me these as a present!
0:05:48 > 0:05:51It's actually a present for all of us.
0:05:51 > 0:05:52Eh?
0:05:54 > 0:05:55Ah!
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Earmuffs for a nosy cow.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Jack and Victor have went aff their nut
0:06:00 > 0:06:02and jumped aff the high flats!
0:06:02 > 0:06:04THEY LAUGH
0:06:06 > 0:06:08- SHE SHOUTS:- When's your house guest visiting?- Oh!
0:06:09 > 0:06:10What?
0:06:10 > 0:06:11MUSIC STOPS
0:06:13 > 0:06:14Well...
0:06:15 > 0:06:19..big tin of soup, instead of a small tin...
0:06:19 > 0:06:22full loaf, when you normally get a wee one.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Oh, a dozen eggs, no' six,
0:06:25 > 0:06:28and quilted toilet roll.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32You usually buy the cheap stuff that you put your fingers through.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35You've got a house guest visiting.
0:06:35 > 0:06:36I'm asking when.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39- Scary.- See you, Isa...
0:06:40 > 0:06:42..you should grow a moustache.
0:06:42 > 0:06:43Well, a thicker one.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46And get it all waxed up at the ends, eh?
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Get yourself a job mopping up on the Orient Express,
0:06:48 > 0:06:49you nosy bastard, you!
0:06:53 > 0:06:54Spider catcher.
0:06:54 > 0:06:5619.99.
0:06:56 > 0:06:57Not a chance.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Boom! Batter it with a slipper.
0:06:59 > 0:07:0020 quid saved.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05This is aimed at pensioners.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08"That'll make my meaningless life easier!"
0:07:08 > 0:07:12"Oh, this'll keep me out the grave for another 15 minutes."
0:07:13 > 0:07:14Look at this.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16An electric bunnet.
0:07:16 > 0:07:20"Outsmart Jack Frost this winter with a hot cap."
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Shite.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24No' shite, Bobby. Toasty.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26And it came the day.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29In there, there's a new PP3 battery
0:07:29 > 0:07:31and the liner is like a mini electric blanket.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Wait, wait.
0:07:33 > 0:07:34There you go.
0:07:38 > 0:07:39It's kicking in noo.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42- Do you want a drink or no? - I'll take a pint of cider.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44A pint of ice, Bobby.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47I'm sweating like Pavarotti's pallbearer.
0:07:49 > 0:07:50Oh, look who it is!
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Chas and Dave.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54That's right, you put the cock in Cockney.
0:07:54 > 0:07:55Two pints, prick.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57VICTOR LAUGHS
0:07:57 > 0:07:59And a pint for Winston, Bobby, please.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01That's no' Winston.
0:08:03 > 0:08:04- Walter!- Walter.
0:08:04 > 0:08:05Hey.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Long time no see.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09It must've been how long?
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Oh, let me think now. 15 year?
0:08:11 > 0:08:12Have you seen Winston yet?
0:08:12 > 0:08:15No. No, I thought I'd jump in for a quick pint
0:08:15 > 0:08:16before I go over to see him.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Winston!
0:08:18 > 0:08:19What you like, eh?
0:08:19 > 0:08:21In here entertaining the troops before you come
0:08:21 > 0:08:24- and visit your brother. - A drink for my brother!
0:08:24 > 0:08:26In fact, get one for everybody.
0:08:26 > 0:08:27Nice. Good, aye.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Here, what happened to your leg?
0:08:30 > 0:08:32Eh? Oh, I lost it.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34- Fags.- Oh, dear.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Anyway, how you been?
0:08:36 > 0:08:37Aye.
0:08:38 > 0:08:39What happened to your arm?
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Oh, I lost it. Rigs.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44- Well, where have you been? - Where have I no' been?!
0:08:44 > 0:08:47I was over in that Heimdal gas field there.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Aye. Got transferred over to...
0:08:49 > 0:08:51SNORING
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Oh, here! Stop me if I'm boring you!
0:08:53 > 0:08:55No, no, you're no' boring him.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57It's the battery bunnet, puts him to sleep.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Eric! Wake up, you old tit!
0:09:00 > 0:09:01Oh!
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Argh! It's absolutely roasting!
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Whoa!
0:09:11 > 0:09:13My good bunnet!
0:09:13 > 0:09:15That cost me an arm and a leg!
0:09:15 > 0:09:16- BOTH:- Oh!
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Morning, Jack.
0:09:24 > 0:09:25Isa.
0:09:29 > 0:09:30Jack.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Isa.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Victor.
0:09:34 > 0:09:35Victor.
0:09:35 > 0:09:36Morning.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Morning to you, too.
0:09:40 > 0:09:41LIFT DINGS
0:09:44 > 0:09:47What's this? Have I got aff the lift at a zombie movie?
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Dawn Of The Decrepit!
0:09:49 > 0:09:51That's very funny, Chris.
0:09:51 > 0:09:52Have you got anything for us?
0:09:52 > 0:09:54I have, as it happens.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56I've got one for each of you.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Ooh, here! Hee-hee!
0:09:58 > 0:09:59Nice one, Chris.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Oh, all different sizes!
0:10:03 > 0:10:05A wee gadget for each of us, eh?
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Something to make life that bit easier.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Who's going to kick things off?
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Allow me.
0:10:14 > 0:10:15Oh!
0:10:15 > 0:10:16A stone?
0:10:16 > 0:10:18At first glance.
0:10:18 > 0:10:19Observe.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29What's the good of that?
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Well, let's say I come home one night
0:10:31 > 0:10:34after a convivial evening in the Clansman and I can't find my keys
0:10:34 > 0:10:36because I'm, you know, pished and what have you.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Boom! I've got a set right here.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44Disguised as a common garden pebble.
0:10:44 > 0:10:48Which would not look out of place in a garden, but this is a landing.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51- Oh, aye.- Aye, I mean, see a robber would see that
0:10:51 > 0:10:54and say, "Oh, that's one of they wee Futuroo hide your keys
0:10:54 > 0:10:56"in a pebble things. That'll save me from kicking the
0:10:56 > 0:10:58"old guy's door in."
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Shut up! Looks good there.
0:11:00 > 0:11:04- Like a rockery.- Nah, it's only a start on a rockery.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06It's like a one rock rockery.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08It's like a shitey rockery.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11Aye, you should get doon the garden centre,
0:11:11 > 0:11:13get more rocks to put round aboot it.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Wait till you see.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Hold that.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21Hey-hey!
0:11:21 > 0:11:22Watch.
0:11:22 > 0:11:23Put it there.
0:11:28 > 0:11:29Chap my door!
0:11:33 > 0:11:34Who is it, please?
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Victor McDade and Jack Jarvis.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44- Er, Esquire.- I'm sorry, I cannot come to the door the noo
0:11:44 > 0:11:49for I'm making cock-a-leekie soup, so bugger aff!
0:11:49 > 0:11:50- It's a good wee thing that. - I like it.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53- It's a nice wee thing, that.- I'd like to get one of them, yeah.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Right, come in and show me what you've got, Jack.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57DOOR SHUTS
0:11:57 > 0:11:58Jack?
0:11:58 > 0:11:59Jack?
0:11:59 > 0:12:00Jack! Victor!
0:12:03 > 0:12:06- That is the bollocks.- Mm-hm.
0:12:06 > 0:12:07The business. The daddy of them all.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11- What the hell is it? - What's your bath time routine?
0:12:11 > 0:12:13I don't take a bath routinely.
0:12:13 > 0:12:17Too much hassle. I do my ablutions with my shower head.
0:12:17 > 0:12:18- Ablutions?- Aye, roond the hooses.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21Oxsters, arsehole, clackerbag.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24Thanks for that, Victor. I've now got that in Panavision.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26I know what you mean though, I'm the same.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29Normally a bath at our age is a pain in the arse,
0:12:29 > 0:12:31but with the techno tub, no siree.
0:12:31 > 0:12:32Soap dispenser.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Beer holder.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Thermometer.
0:12:37 > 0:12:38Light.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Book stand. And the piece de resistance...
0:12:42 > 0:12:44MUSIC PLAYS
0:12:44 > 0:12:45Mm-hm.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47And with that, bath time is a pleasure
0:12:47 > 0:12:49and I will be having one tonight.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Nice. How much was that?
0:12:52 > 0:12:55- £34.99.- That's better than a dummy stone, right enough.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58OK, once you've used that tonight,
0:12:58 > 0:13:01I'll get a shot of it and have a good steep myself.
0:13:01 > 0:13:02No, no, no, no, no.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04The techno tub's a personal thing.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06That would be like borrowing another man's sponge.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10No, no, away you go and fondle your stone.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER
0:13:14 > 0:13:17He turns round and goes, "No, you hold its heed,
0:13:17 > 0:13:19"I'll put the wellies on it!"
0:13:21 > 0:13:24What am I missing here? What's all the laughing about?
0:13:24 > 0:13:25My ribs are sore!
0:13:25 > 0:13:28It's Walter here. He should be a bloody stand-up comedian.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Hey, you can be a double act.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Winston, you'd need to be the straight man.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35Or the clown that comes oot before the main event!
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Cos he's it and you're shit.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42That could be the name of your double act.
0:13:42 > 0:13:43Ladies and gentlemen, a big hand -
0:13:43 > 0:13:46oh, no offence, Walter - for It and Shit!
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Thanks for that, Jack.
0:13:50 > 0:13:51Right, where are we going?
0:13:51 > 0:13:53The bookies? Let's flash some cash.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56No, no. Stevie the bookie's a wrong 'un.
0:13:56 > 0:13:57How?
0:13:57 > 0:13:59It's a long story.
0:13:59 > 0:14:00What about the greyhounds?
0:14:00 > 0:14:03- Where's Victor? - Oh, he's up the garden centre.
0:14:03 > 0:14:04He's buying bloody pebbles.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06- What for?- He's a crackpot.
0:14:06 > 0:14:10- Are you coming with us?- No, I'm going up the road for a bath.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12I've not had a bath for two years.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14No, no, no, I've had showers and that. No,
0:14:14 > 0:14:18away yous go and enjoy yourself. Have a nice one.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Oh, you're filling up lovely.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Oh, temperature.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Tickety-boo.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Oh, book stand.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46- CLASSICAL MUSIC - Lovely.
0:14:50 > 0:14:51Oh! Ho-ho!
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Well, I'll be getting in to you shortly
0:14:54 > 0:14:56and I don't know when I'm getting out.
0:15:02 > 0:15:0416 quid for this pile of shit.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12- KNOCKING - Victor.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Victor.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16- Jack.- Help.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18- Have you fell? - No, I'm stuck in the bath.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21- I've been in here all night.- What?
0:15:21 > 0:15:23'What's all the commotion?'
0:15:25 > 0:15:27- KNOCKING - Isa, Jack's stuck in the bath.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29- 'Who's calling?'- It's Victor. Open the door.
0:15:29 > 0:15:33'I'm sorry, I cannot receive guests at the moment,
0:15:33 > 0:15:36'for I'm in my dressing gown, eating my toast,
0:15:36 > 0:15:38'reading my Bella magazine.'
0:15:39 > 0:15:43Listen to me, you halfwit! Open the bloody door.
0:15:43 > 0:15:44Jack is stuck in the bath.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47If you don't open this bloody door now,
0:15:47 > 0:15:49I'm going to rip this dog's legs off.
0:15:53 > 0:15:58- It's locked.- Well, put your shoulder to it.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Ooh!
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Move!
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Hiya-huh!
0:16:16 > 0:16:19- Are you all right, Jack? - What happened here?- What happened?
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Well, I thought this bath is so good, I'll live in it.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24I'm stuck. I can't get out.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Jack, your willy!
0:16:28 > 0:16:31- Oh, I'll cover that up, Jack. - Bigger towel!
0:16:33 > 0:16:37Who the bloody hell takes a bath first thing in the morning?
0:16:37 > 0:16:39- I took it last night.- And you took another one this morning?
0:16:39 > 0:16:42- I've been in here since last night. - Last night? Oh, my!
0:16:42 > 0:16:45- Oh, it's a carry on, isn't it? - Look at my skin.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47I'm turning into Judy Finnigan.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50- You canny just lift yourself out? - No, I'm stuck to the sides.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53It's like... I don't know, suction.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56- Well, just pull the plug out. - Do you no' think I've tried that?
0:16:56 > 0:16:58It doesnae work. The plug's located directly below my ringer.
0:16:58 > 0:17:02- Don't panic.- Panic? Oh, I'm way beyond panicking.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05I was panicking for about ten hours, but that's passed now.
0:17:05 > 0:17:09- Call 911. - What for? The American cops?
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Away you go, you dunderhead.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14"Hello, is that CSI Miami? My pal's stuck in the bath."
0:17:14 > 0:17:17"Where?" "Glesga." It's 999 you call.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20I'm no' dying, I just want to get out the bath.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23There's a number you call when you've got trouble with a bath.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26- B&Q.- Shut up! I know what it is, it's 101.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29No, that's crime. I'm no' being robbed.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32No, the only thing I'm being robbed of is my dignity.
0:17:32 > 0:17:36I know what it is. This happened to big Janice McCafferty,
0:17:36 > 0:17:38her with the eating disorder.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Oh, you know who I'm talking about.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43She got barred fae Greggs for grazing.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46She got stuck in the bath and her man called...
0:17:46 > 0:17:48- Her man called?- Her man called?
0:17:48 > 0:17:51- Kenny.- No, the number he called, you dozy cow.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54NHS Ambulance Services.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57That's who you call.
0:18:01 > 0:18:05Navid. Meet my brother, Walter.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Nice to see you. What can I do you for?
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Cigars. What have you got?
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Well, we have classy ones for the men about town
0:18:12 > 0:18:15and the not-so-classy ones for the man about scheme.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Classy, always classy.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21I used to be a half Corona man myself,
0:18:21 > 0:18:24- back when we were in Gujarat. - I know Gujarat.- You know Gujarat?
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Oh, aye. I worked in Lahore for long enough.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30The boy I worked with was from Gujarat.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Aftab Jarwar.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34He was a good laugh. Tiny wee fella.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37Must have only been about four foot six.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43THEY LAUGH
0:18:54 > 0:18:56That's a cracker. Take that.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58That's a better laugh than he's ever gave me.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01Very kind, thanking you.
0:19:01 > 0:19:06- So, have you ever been anywhere good, Winston?- Aye, Rawalpindi.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09- Oh, in the Punjab region?- No, in the Sauchiehall Street region.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12Right next to the dry cleaners. Good pakora.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14GIGGLES NERVOUSLY
0:19:21 > 0:19:23- What the hell are you doing? - Sorry, Jack.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26I've been putting it off for ages.
0:19:26 > 0:19:30- I've had to park a loaf in your lavvy.- You animal.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32Who does that? You only live next door.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Ah, I couldn't leave you by yourself in the bath.
0:19:34 > 0:19:38You've been asleep. You could have done a Whitney Houston.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40When are these people coming to get me out of here?
0:19:40 > 0:19:43It's been nearly two hours since we found you.
0:19:43 > 0:19:47- They must be due here now.- Well, if they show up now they're going to be confused, aren't they?
0:19:47 > 0:19:49"Oh, dearie me, what a dilemma. Who do we save first?
0:19:49 > 0:19:53"The old fella in the bath or the daft old duffer superglued to the shiter?"
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Finish your manky business and get off my pan.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Look away.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Oh, you must be from the services.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10No, no, that's John from down the stair.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13- Hi, John.- What's going on here? - Well, he's stuck in the bath, son.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Oh, are you? Well, I have water coming down into my bathroom,
0:20:16 > 0:20:19which I've been doing up for the past three months
0:20:19 > 0:20:23and I've just finished only to look up and see drip, drip, drip, drip.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Let me take a look at it.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31Oh, look at that. That's soaking, rotten.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33I told you about that two years ago.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Keep the heid, son, there's an ambulance coming.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37If I get any more water coming down on me,
0:20:37 > 0:20:39it'll be a hearse you're needing.
0:20:39 > 0:20:44- Charming.- Where are these toe rags? - Are they no' here yet?
0:20:44 > 0:20:47Typical, isn't it? Leaving an old man stuck in a bath.
0:20:47 > 0:20:51It's disgusting. It's because the pensioner isn't a priority.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Aye, that's it, dirty, lazy pigs.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56We're the bottom of the pile, make no mistake.
0:20:56 > 0:21:00- How long did they say they'd be? - Who?- The services.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02What did they say?
0:21:02 > 0:21:05- What did they say to me? - Aye, when you phoned them.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08I never phoned them, it was Victor that phoned them.
0:21:08 > 0:21:12- I was in there getting ready. - You daft couple of arseholes!
0:21:13 > 0:21:15- Victor.- Yes, Jack.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Flush.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26- Come on, then.- Get up. - Come on, then.- Oh, you...
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Bingo!
0:21:28 > 0:21:31Beat by a baw-hair.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Excuse me a minute, sir, if I could just tend to this customer first.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36Of course.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Just ignore him, Walter.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51- How can I help you? - Wee accumulator came up there.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Nice. Let me see.
0:21:54 > 0:21:55You started with £1.
0:21:55 > 0:22:01You predicted McPherson in round three last night, score draw next,
0:22:01 > 0:22:04the winner at Hamilton. And you never took the odds.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07That was clever. £210.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Well done.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14How about me buying you a pint
0:22:14 > 0:22:16and picking your brains about your process?
0:22:16 > 0:22:19- Any time.- Aye, any time.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21No, I was referring to the winner's enclosure.
0:22:23 > 0:22:24Winston.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37You're not taking a dump and all, are you?
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Indeed I am not. Ya filthy pig.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43- What did they say? - Ah, you're not going to like it.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46They said it could be up to six hours.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48No. I cannae go another six hours.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51The water's starting to get cold, you know?
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Well, we can fix that with a wee top up.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01- It's not coming. - Isa, please.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08- Ah!- Away you go, you halfwit!
0:23:08 > 0:23:11What have you done? That's scalding hot, that!
0:23:11 > 0:23:14That's too much. Oh, it's absolutely roasting.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16You may as well put potatoes in here.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18My balls are getting poached.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21- It's now or never, Jack.- Victor!
0:23:21 > 0:23:25Are you ready? One, two, three.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28GROANS
0:23:28 > 0:23:30THEY SHOUT
0:23:30 > 0:23:33Get off me!
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Victor, are you all right?
0:23:45 > 0:23:47That's a good gang of pals you've got here, Winston.
0:23:47 > 0:23:51Oh, aye. I'm really lucky.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Jack, Victor, Tam, Eric...
0:23:55 > 0:23:57- ..Isa, Navid. - CLEARS THROAT
0:23:58 > 0:24:01Oh, and Stevie the bookie.
0:24:04 > 0:24:08That was awful news about poor old Auntie Lily dying, wasn't it?
0:24:10 > 0:24:14- And there it is.- There what is? - The reason for your wee visit.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Your bus leaves in an hour, but there's still one last
0:24:18 > 0:24:20wee bit of business to take care of, isn't there?
0:24:21 > 0:24:25- The bite.- I don't know what you're talking about.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27I've warned you. My ceiling is soaking now.
0:24:27 > 0:24:31- How can you still be stuck?- It's a hell of a carry on, right enough.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33I mean, they're saying on the phone it could be up to six hours.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37Oh, shut up, I'm not wanting your life story, you daft old trout.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Have you any Fairy Liquid?
0:24:40 > 0:24:42In my kitchen, under the sink.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46What's he going to do with Fairy Liquid, Jack?
0:24:46 > 0:24:48I don't know, maybe wants to do a couple of dishes?
0:24:48 > 0:24:52- Calm himself down a bit. - Oh, like therapy that, isn't it?
0:24:52 > 0:24:55- Anger management. - Right, out the road.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Oh, my.
0:25:07 > 0:25:13This is the letter that I got telling me Lily had passed.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16As soon as that arrived, I knew you wouldn't be long
0:25:16 > 0:25:19at the back of it because that's how you operate.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25Four times in the last 40 years I've seen you.
0:25:25 > 0:25:29Each time to borrow money, which you never paid back.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33You never even came to our ma or our da's funeral
0:25:33 > 0:25:36because you knew they had nothing.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43So, was there any...
0:25:43 > 0:25:44Money?
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Aye, she left £4,000.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53- So that's £2,000 each?- No.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Take the lot.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06Aye.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15I really am sorry for letting all that water down in your new
0:26:15 > 0:26:19bathroom, but I was stuck in that bath for 20 hours.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Well, what are you doing taking a bath at your age?
0:26:21 > 0:26:24Ah, well, he normally takes a shower, but he bought this, see?
0:26:24 > 0:26:27- Well, what is it? - Oh, that's the Techno Tub.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29It's got everything. Radio, lights, thermometer.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31- Aye, it's a good thing. - Well, what do you do with it?
0:26:31 > 0:26:34Well, it just sits like this.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39- Voila. - CRASHING
0:26:42 > 0:26:46- Techno Tub.- Bath tidy.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Your bathroom really is lovely.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59Is that a new shower cubicle?
0:27:28 > 0:27:30That must be weird for you, eh, Winston?
0:27:30 > 0:27:33- How so?- Well, you know.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36Having an older brother that's the life and soul and...
0:27:36 > 0:27:38- Funnier than me?- ALL: No!
0:27:38 > 0:27:42Look, ye cannae be jealous of family.
0:27:42 > 0:27:47Anyway, he's away now. So you'll have to put up with the support act.
0:27:47 > 0:27:51Winston, over the last couple of days, Walter ran up a tab here.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54£40.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58Calm down. He telt me about that.
0:27:59 > 0:28:04He gave me this to square you up.
0:28:04 > 0:28:08- Did you think he'd done a runner? - No. That's great.
0:28:08 > 0:28:13- Right, everybody. To Walter. - ALL: To Walter.
0:28:13 > 0:28:16To Walter.
0:28:19 > 0:28:22- Still nae joy?- Which one was it?
0:28:24 > 0:28:28'Want me to make up the couch? Hee-hee!'