0:00:36 > 0:00:38Oh, Jack.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41- What?- You're not firing up the old furnace again, are you?
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Victor, not this again!
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Come on, I was sitting in here last night, it was like Dickens' London.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48It was like a pea souper!
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Well, I enjoy the pipe at the telly.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53When you're enjoying the pipe, I cannae see the bloody telly!
0:00:53 > 0:00:55What's to watch? It's all shite anyway, right?
0:00:57 > 0:01:00I was thinking about chucking it anyhow, the amount of tax
0:01:00 > 0:01:02- they put on it.- Well, that's what this is about.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04Smokers clogging up the NHS.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06There's nae beds left.
0:01:06 > 0:01:07Good people cannae get one.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10Aye. Good people?
0:01:10 > 0:01:13You know. Them that don't smoke cannae get a bed.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16- So I'm bad people?- I'm just saying, you know, cos you smoke the pipe
0:01:16 > 0:01:20and you're a filthy addict. A wee, clean living woman,
0:01:20 > 0:01:22wouldnae say boo to a goose cannae get a lie down.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25So because I smoke the pipe, that's me Fred West now?
0:01:26 > 0:01:28- I'm not saying you're a murderer, Jack.- Good.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31I'm saying you're a nay-user junkie!
0:01:32 > 0:01:36What? I'm a... You're a bastarding junkie!
0:01:36 > 0:01:37I'm junkie? How am I a junkie?
0:01:37 > 0:01:40- Junkie with what?- Biscuits, wine gums, Mint Imperials.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42And I'll tell you another thing.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44I have paid for a stack of these beds in that hospital
0:01:44 > 0:01:47with the amount of tax I've paid on my baccy.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49They should be naming a ward after me in the Royal Infirmary!
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Oh, aye, the "Jack Jarvis for them that cannae stop puffing
0:01:52 > 0:01:55and some poor bastard with his arm hanging off cannae get a bed" ward!
0:01:55 > 0:01:56Catchy!
0:01:58 > 0:02:01You know, I wish I didnae smoke a pipe. I wish I smoked cigarettes.
0:02:01 > 0:02:05- How's that?- Cos I'd put one out in your eye, that's how!
0:02:06 > 0:02:11PHONE RINGS
0:02:13 > 0:02:14Hello?
0:02:14 > 0:02:15Boabby?
0:02:15 > 0:02:19Uh-huh. Oh, dear.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Thanks for ringing. Thank you.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44Oh, look who it is. Men In Black.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46- What's that?- The alien movie?
0:02:46 > 0:02:50We'll boot your baws into outer space!
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Two pints, prick.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58Terrible day. I'll take a sweet sherry, Boabby.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01- Of course, darling. - 15 people at a funeral.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04- I hope that never happens to me. - You're not homeless.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Pete lived under a bridge, he was lucky to have 15 there!
0:03:07 > 0:03:08Half a lager please, Boabby.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11You'll not need your money at the minute, Tam.
0:03:11 > 0:03:12There's a kitty.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16And a quadruple whisky.
0:03:18 > 0:03:19And tomato crisps.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25- Tomato?- And nuts. Dry roasted.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28My heart's roasted, you miserable bastard!
0:03:28 > 0:03:31How much is it per head for the kitty, Boabby?
0:03:31 > 0:03:33- £12.- I thought it was a tenner?
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Sorry, boys. Prices are up.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38It's not me. It's the brewery.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Tam, kitty.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42HE MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Poor Pete.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Makes you realise how lucky you are.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Lucky? I'm lucky I can walk.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Who asks a one-legged man to be a pallbearer?
0:03:56 > 0:03:58The leg's away! The leg's away!
0:03:58 > 0:03:59The leg's away, Jack!
0:04:04 > 0:04:07- Yous two were laughing. - No, we werenae.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Yes, you were. There was tears rolling down your face.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12That was tears of grief. Right, tears of grief.
0:04:12 > 0:04:16No, that was tears of pishing yourself, that's what that was.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19Cos once you started, that set him off.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23Grief's contagious. It's a terrible thing, grief.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25And as for you, you tosser.
0:04:25 > 0:04:26You were bent double.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28- I dropped my glasses. - Aye, so you did(!)
0:04:28 > 0:04:31All right, OK ,well, then.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34- To Pete. ALL:- To Pete!
0:04:37 > 0:04:38Maybe somebody should say something.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42- Well, you just did, so... - No, substantial.
0:04:42 > 0:04:43- From the heart.- Oh, right.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45- On the hoof.- Off-the-cuff!
0:04:48 > 0:04:51- Nice cuffage, Jack. - We all know why we're here today -
0:04:51 > 0:04:53to pay tribute to our friend,
0:04:53 > 0:04:55a Craiglang man through and through.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Pete didn't have a home, he was a man of no means.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Not two pennies to rub together,
0:05:00 > 0:05:04the soles hanging off his shoes, and not even a coat to keep him warm.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08But the one thing he always had, ALWAYS had, was a smile.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Even though he was the poorest man we knew.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14GAMBLING MACHINE CASHES OUT
0:05:14 > 0:05:18Beautiful words, Jack! Beautiful words.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23Jeez, it's quiet in here today.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34- Isa.- Hello, boys.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Gentlemen. What can I do you for?
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Oh, just a bottle of the usual, Navid.
0:05:43 > 0:05:44There you go.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51- Ah, what?- Price is up.
0:05:51 > 0:05:52Bloody budget.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54This is it, Jack.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Aye, this is it, right enough.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58A long time ago, Navid,
0:05:58 > 0:06:02Jack and I agreed that when this stuff got too dear,
0:06:02 > 0:06:06we were chucking it. And that, my friend, is too dear.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Well, boys, that is the cheapest stuff.
0:06:08 > 0:06:12That is the gut rot, the bottom of the barrel.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14I could charge more for a bottle of Isa's sweat.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22Are you trying to get in or trying to get out?
0:06:24 > 0:06:25I see no dilemma.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31- Jack, Victor!- What is it, Isa?
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Here, try this.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39- What is that?- Hooch.
0:06:39 > 0:06:43Potcheen. Home-made Wabawaba. Ketanga. I don't know!
0:06:43 > 0:06:47- Three quid a bottle's what it is. - Where the hell did you get that?
0:06:47 > 0:06:50Peggy's man got it off that boy that swears all the time.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53Him with the turrets. And he got it off that woman
0:06:53 > 0:06:54that looks like a fella.
0:06:54 > 0:06:58You know, her that changes the tyres in the Scotfit.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01Who I think got it off Piggy Patterson,
0:07:01 > 0:07:05him with the gastric band that burst at the trampoline park.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08That's where the trail goes cold. Take a nip!
0:07:24 > 0:07:27HE MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY
0:07:27 > 0:07:28What?
0:07:28 > 0:07:30HE MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY
0:07:30 > 0:07:32He says we don't like it!
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Bootleg hooch?
0:07:36 > 0:07:39It was like a kick in the balls.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41That would have been preferable!
0:07:41 > 0:07:43I've got bottle of that in the house.
0:07:43 > 0:07:47The first gulp's a sore one, but after that it's a smooth ride.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49You could clean your cooker with it, it comes up lovely, tae.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52- You for another? - Not at these prices, Boabby!
0:07:52 > 0:07:57- I've telt you.- Three half pints and not another body in here.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59That is definitely it, I'm out.
0:07:59 > 0:08:03- What you mean, you're out? - As of Monday, I'm chucking it.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05New fella Mark will be standing here.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07You're leaving The Clansman?
0:08:07 > 0:08:10I didnae want to make a big deal of it, but enough's enough.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12People are nae coming in cos of the prices
0:08:12 > 0:08:15and you've got bootleg garbage floating about.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Nah. I'm done.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20But I'll no' be disappearing.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23I'll be in for a pint now and again.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Anyway, finish up.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28You're no' going the noo, are you?
0:08:28 > 0:08:30No.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32I'm going down the bridge.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Oh, now, don't be hasty, Boabby.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37No, I'm no' going to jump aff it!
0:08:37 > 0:08:40I'm going down to tidy up where Pete slept.
0:08:40 > 0:08:41That's a nice thing.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44I'll come with you. Are you two coming?
0:08:44 > 0:08:47No. We'd like to go with you, but we're heading to Tam's.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49This is one kitty he is not getting out of.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Good luck with that. You should have picked something simpler,
0:08:52 > 0:08:55like stealing the Coronation necklace aff the Queen
0:08:55 > 0:08:56while she's taking a dump!
0:09:00 > 0:09:03Should phone the concierge. Room service hasnae been in!
0:09:04 > 0:09:07- Are you stealing this? - Aye, that's right, son.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10We're going to steal all this gear and we're going to
0:09:10 > 0:09:13- take it to Sotheby's.- No, it's just this belonged to my mate Pete.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Oh, we know. He was our pal, too.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17That's why we're tidying up.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20I'm Mick. Methadone Mick.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23I'm Boabby. Barman Boabby.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28I'm...one-legged Winston?
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Aye, Pete's talked a lot about yous.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33- This is for you.- Oh.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36A ball class letter. Scented, too.
0:09:40 > 0:09:45"To Boabby, only Boabby, naebody but Boabby."
0:09:45 > 0:09:48That's got Boabby all over it. That must be for you, Boabby!
0:09:51 > 0:09:54"If you're reading this, Boabby, I'm already dead.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56"Nae more drink for me.
0:09:56 > 0:09:57"Bastard, hey?
0:09:58 > 0:10:02"If methadone Mick isnae dead, he's just handed you this letter."
0:10:03 > 0:10:04I'm no' dead.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10"Although he looks like a skinny, shiftless, nay-user,
0:10:10 > 0:10:12"he's nonetheless a good lad.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16"He will now hand you my estate,
0:10:16 > 0:10:19which you, Boabby, are the executor of."
0:10:21 > 0:10:26- These must be his worldly possessions.- Shush!
0:10:26 > 0:10:28"The details herein..."
0:10:28 > 0:10:31- Heroin?- No, "herein."
0:10:32 > 0:10:36"..must not be disclosed until Friday 19th at 9am.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38"The venue shall be the Clansman.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41"Peto."
0:10:41 > 0:10:43- PTO, please turn over.- I know!
0:10:45 > 0:10:50"No doubt Mick will now have his paw out expecting a bung.
0:10:50 > 0:10:54"Give him hee-haw, for he will only try to buy crack
0:10:54 > 0:10:56"or some such with it.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59"All the best, Pete."
0:11:01 > 0:11:04It's cash, Tam. Nothing other than cash.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08The thing is, it's Frances' and me's anniversary this week and all my
0:11:08 > 0:11:11- money's gone in that.- Shut up. £12!
0:11:11 > 0:11:13I've no' got it!
0:11:14 > 0:11:15What about this? Look.
0:11:15 > 0:11:2050 copies of the National Geographic magazine. Beautiful photographs.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26- Look, there's a polar bear wiring into a seal!- No.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33Football boots? You're not even into football.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36I'm football daft! These boots once belonged to...
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Patrick...Thistle.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41They're not even a pair.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Listen, you. We don't want a medicine ball,
0:11:44 > 0:11:48or a Bay City Rollers bedspread, or a Kenny Rogers 8-track.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51Or a die-cast model of JFK's Lincoln Continental
0:11:51 > 0:11:54moments before he was plugged from the grassy knoll!
0:11:54 > 0:11:55We want 12 quid!
0:11:55 > 0:11:58What about this? A full complement
0:11:58 > 0:12:02of filthy, dirty porno cards fae Santa Ponsa.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06They truly are manky.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Especially...
0:12:08 > 0:12:10the nine of clubs.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17- Slapping...- 12 quid.
0:12:21 > 0:12:22What about this?
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Slippery bastard.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31What are we supposed to do with this muck?
0:12:31 > 0:12:32Give our cookers a good clean.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35I think I made a mistake with them nudie cards, you know.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38That nine of clubs looked like a right carry-on, didn't she?
0:12:41 > 0:12:44What was it you said your name was again?
0:12:44 > 0:12:46- Mark.- And you say we've never met?
0:12:46 > 0:12:50- No, we havenae. - I cannae quite place you,
0:12:50 > 0:12:53but I'm definitely sure I've spoke to you before.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56What pub did you work in before this one?
0:12:56 > 0:12:58- The Ginnel.- The Ginnel?
0:12:58 > 0:13:01- Tough shop.- Not when I was on!
0:13:03 > 0:13:05The quiz night, we have met before!
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Well, if we have, I don't remember.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12And if I don't remember, it didnae happen!
0:13:12 > 0:13:13All right, prick?
0:13:15 > 0:13:17- Excuse me.- What?
0:13:17 > 0:13:20- Can I go to the toilet? - Away, you wee fanny!
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Boabby?
0:13:24 > 0:13:26I don't need the toilet!
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Where do you keep the scampi fries?
0:13:28 > 0:13:31Oh, in that box above the chest freezer, Mark.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Chest freezer?
0:13:34 > 0:13:35Handy thing, a chest freezer.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41- JACK AND VICTOR ENTER PUB CHATTING - Hey, Boabby!
0:13:41 > 0:13:43- Is that you done now? - That's me a civilian.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Ah, but you're still here!
0:13:45 > 0:13:47That's good. So nothing's really changed, then?
0:13:47 > 0:13:50- Well, I...- Right, for old time's sake, right,
0:13:50 > 0:13:52hit us with both barrels.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56- What?- Your patter, we'll take it off you.- It's a one-day-only offer.
0:13:57 > 0:13:58Look who it is.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01Waldorf and Statler.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Very good, Boabby. Old Muppets.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05That must make you Kermit the Fud!
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Good one, Victor. Two pints, prick!
0:14:08 > 0:14:12Hey. Don't talk to my customers like that.
0:14:12 > 0:14:13Who's this whalloper?
0:14:16 > 0:14:18- Hey?- Oh, for...
0:14:23 > 0:14:24- What?- WINSTON:- Hello, lads.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27- ERIC:- Whose round is it?
0:14:27 > 0:14:29- ALL:- I'm no' going. - Are ye aff yer nut?
0:14:32 > 0:14:34We are done.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Right?
0:14:36 > 0:14:38- What?- The Clansman?- Aye. - That big angry bear pulling
0:14:38 > 0:14:41your pint then looking for an excuse to glass you with an empty tumbler?
0:14:41 > 0:14:44- No.- Aye, it's hardly Claridge's, is it?
0:14:44 > 0:14:46"Pint?" "Yes, please."
0:14:46 > 0:14:48"What are you looking at?" "Excuse me?"
0:14:48 > 0:14:51Tumbler, boof. Royal. Face like Chucky!
0:14:52 > 0:14:56Oh, well. To me, you wee home-fashioned strumpet!
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Whoa, give that to me!
0:14:58 > 0:15:02- That's wino-ville, that's skid row.- Tin Pan Alley.
0:15:02 > 0:15:03- That's music, Jack.- Oh.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Regardez vous.
0:15:09 > 0:15:10- Oh.- Hey?
0:15:10 > 0:15:13That Cillit Bang boy will be shiting hissel'!
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Imagine what that could do to your insides.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19What, make them all shiny? What's that?
0:15:19 > 0:15:22KEYS JANGLE IN DOOR
0:15:26 > 0:15:30- Isa?- Jack?- Victor.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Oh, aye. Aye, Victor.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34What the hell are you doing?
0:15:35 > 0:15:37I've got my doors mixed up.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40I've stuck my thingmy in your thingmy.
0:15:40 > 0:15:44- Aye, you wish.- I don't know what's happening.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46It's a queer thing.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49I've never done that before - I'm no' thinking.
0:15:49 > 0:15:50Isa, are you all right, hen?
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Aye, Oh, aye.
0:15:52 > 0:15:57Oh! I know that smell!
0:15:57 > 0:16:00It's that hoochie-coochie!
0:16:00 > 0:16:03I'll take one of them wee monkeys, if there's one going!
0:16:03 > 0:16:05- Chase yersel, Isa.- Aye, come on.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Keys.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12That's awful good of you, Jack, helping me out.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14I don't know what's happened.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16It come on that sudden.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19I'll need to get down the optician's and get my prescription changed.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23- You'll be fine. You just need some rest.- Aye.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26Now, look, if you're needing anything, anything at all,
0:16:26 > 0:16:28just give me a shout. Anything at all, mind.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Aye, you wouldn't mind coming in for 15 minutes
0:16:30 > 0:16:33and reading me a few pages in my Take A Break?
0:16:33 > 0:16:35No.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48- Eric.- Who's that?- What do you mean, who's that?
0:16:48 > 0:16:49- It's Jack and Victor.- Oh.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51- Hello, boys.- What are you doing?
0:16:51 > 0:16:54What I always do on a Thursday. Going down to the bookies.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Aye, Boabby.
0:17:02 > 0:17:06- Oh, Jack. Victor, didnae see you there.- We're glad we caught you.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09Can you not just get back behind the bar again?
0:17:09 > 0:17:13Aye. Pull the old spurs back on, get rid of that big, hairy balloon.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15I mean, The Clansman's a no-go zone.
0:17:15 > 0:17:16It's like the end of an era, son.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19No, it's the start of a new one.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21The era of me suiting myself.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24I sleep to when I like, go to the bookies,
0:17:24 > 0:17:27couple of halves in the afternoon. Columbo. Magic.
0:17:27 > 0:17:31If I'd have known being an old prick was this much fun,
0:17:31 > 0:17:32I'd have chucked it years ago!
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Ah, well, you're not an old prick.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36- You're a young prick! - We need you back.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Nah, I'm done.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Clansman's done. Who needs it?
0:17:41 > 0:17:44Not when you've got this.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47The wacky water.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Boabby.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Gamekeeper turned poacher, lads.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53I know the path I'm on.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55And for the first time in years...
0:17:57 > 0:17:58..I'm enjoying the journey.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Sorry, missus.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22- Tam?- Oh, hello, lads.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24- What are you up to? - Well, I was just...
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Sh. What are you up to?
0:18:26 > 0:18:30I was just dropping off a bottle of the la-la lotion for Winston there.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32- Where are you getting this stuff? - Well, it's everywhere,
0:18:32 > 0:18:35- everybody's got it. - Aye, but where did YOU get it?
0:18:35 > 0:18:39- Eric gave me it.- Eric's making it? - No, that's the thing.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41Nobody knows. It just keeps turning up.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45I don't touch it myself, obviously.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47- You don't touch it?- I'm a lager man.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Let's just see, shall we?
0:18:52 > 0:18:56- Read that headline. - "Booze tax still biting."
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Not the big one, the wee one.
0:18:58 > 0:18:59All right.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02"Kerry Katona badly burned in midnight chip pan horror."
0:19:03 > 0:19:05That's right.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08That me? Got a busy anniversary night ahead, you know?
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Knife, fork, hole.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14- That's us.- Goodnight, lads.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20< It's open!
0:19:25 > 0:19:28Lads, what can I get yous?
0:19:28 > 0:19:31- How's your eyesight? - Actually, not the greatest.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34It started off with a crossword. I couldnae make it out.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37I'm not on tablets or anything, you know?
0:19:37 > 0:19:39I've no headaches, I'm sleeping great,
0:19:39 > 0:19:42I'm just racking my brain, trying for the life of me
0:19:42 > 0:19:44to work out what it could be.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49Old age, I suppose.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52- It's that stuff.- Eh?- That's Satan's Sauce you're drinking.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55It's all over the estate. Nobody can see properly.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59You're joking! That's unbelievable, that.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01- Terrible.- Whoa, whoa!
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Give that to me.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06Isa, Eric, Boabby, now you.
0:20:06 > 0:20:07Everyone's affected.
0:20:09 > 0:20:10- Well, not everybody.- How?
0:20:10 > 0:20:14Well, there's nothing the matter with Tam's eyesight, is there?
0:20:15 > 0:20:17- BOTH:- Bastard!- He's making it.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19He doesn't touch it, he said.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Never get high on your own supply, that's what they say, isn't it?
0:20:22 > 0:20:25- What are we going to do? - Smash up the operation.
0:20:25 > 0:20:26Aye, brilliant.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29- I'll get my jacket.- No, you're not going anywhere.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32- How no'?- Because you're blind as a bat, that's how.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Me, blind as a bat?
0:20:34 > 0:20:35That's ridiculous.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37I've never heard anything so absurd.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39I can see perfectly.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41I can see that pin over there.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44- Would that satisfy you? - What pin? Where?
0:20:59 > 0:21:01You see that sideboard over there, Winston?
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Yes, of course.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05Place the pin down there, would you?
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Sit down.
0:21:14 > 0:21:18I cannae see nothing. I went for a slash about an hour ago
0:21:18 > 0:21:20and I opened my belt. I pointed the buckle at the pan
0:21:20 > 0:21:23and pished all down the leg of my trousers.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44TAM SINGS TO HIMSELF
0:22:12 > 0:22:15Stick your head up again and get a right good look.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20- How's it to be my head?- My head's much bigger than your head.
0:22:20 > 0:22:24- He'll see my head right away. - No, no, no. My head's much bigger
0:22:24 > 0:22:28than your head. I've got to hunt like Taggart just to buy a hat.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31We're not talking girth, Jack. We're talking forehead height.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34I've got a massive forehead. It's actually a sign of intelligence,
0:22:34 > 0:22:37but that doesnae matter. Your forehead is smaller, it's like a...
0:22:37 > 0:22:39like a...grapefruit.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Grapefruit? I'll segment your balls.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Get him spied on!
0:22:54 > 0:22:57We've got him bang to rights. He's our man.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59- He's making hooch.- Are you sure?
0:22:59 > 0:23:02He's distilling hooch in his own kitchen.
0:23:02 > 0:23:03What are we going to do here?
0:23:03 > 0:23:06People are losing their eyesight because of this muck.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09We need to do what they done in the 1920s.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Prohibition, Eliot Ness.
0:23:11 > 0:23:15The Untouchables. Put him out of business.
0:23:17 > 0:23:21- Jack Travis, concerned Craiglang pensioner!- Times two!
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Was that your dinner?
0:23:55 > 0:23:58What was it? Stew or something?
0:23:58 > 0:24:01Beef bourguignon. It's Frances's favourite.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05What the bloody hell do you think yous are doing?!
0:24:05 > 0:24:08You were making hooch, so we smashed up your still.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10It's a pressure cooker.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12For cooking a meal.
0:24:14 > 0:24:15It's our second anniversary.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19- Happy anniversary. - Happy anniversary.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Yous have went to a lot of bother, boys.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24But a card would have covered it.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27CROCKERY FALLS AND SMASHES
0:24:35 > 0:24:36Right.
0:24:36 > 0:24:384-3, double two.
0:24:38 > 0:24:39Very good.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42- Blank and a four.- Excellent.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45I've not touched the gaga juice for four days.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Good. Keep it that way.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50OK. As per Pete's request,
0:24:50 > 0:24:55we're here at The Clansman at 9am on the 19th.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57How did you get in here, Boabby?
0:25:00 > 0:25:04- Oh, smashing. Can I get a set of them cut?- Shut up.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13"Hello. Thank you for coming.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16"Please find enclosed something for each of you
0:25:16 > 0:25:18"as a token of my respect.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21"Boabby...
0:25:21 > 0:25:23"Call this number.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25"0141 336..."
0:25:25 > 0:25:27A phone number. Thanks, Pete!
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Well, phone it, Boabby.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Aye.
0:25:31 > 0:25:32Winston, do the honours.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35It just can't get any more exciting(!)
0:25:35 > 0:25:39Right, who's first? Winston.
0:25:39 > 0:25:40Me.
0:25:40 > 0:25:44"I was walking past Clarks, I saw this and thought of you.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46"Best foot forward."
0:25:47 > 0:25:49One shoe!
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Right, who's next? Navid.
0:25:55 > 0:25:5819 quid. Wow, that's exactly what he owed me.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00That was his tick. Classy.
0:26:02 > 0:26:03Tam.
0:26:04 > 0:26:05A teabag?
0:26:06 > 0:26:09"Have a drink on me...
0:26:09 > 0:26:11"you miserable bastard."
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Isa.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17One set of pink panties with a lion rampant on the front.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Scotland World Cup, '78.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22Panties? That's a strange gift.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25That's not a gift. That was some party, wasn't it, Isa?
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Pete's returning them!
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Thanks. Goodbye.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35What is it, Boabby?
0:26:35 > 0:26:39Pete put me forward for the Glasgow Good Citizens civic medal.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43And they've given it to me.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46How are you, nae offence, a whallopper
0:26:46 > 0:26:48getting a thing like that?
0:26:49 > 0:26:52Well, I used to open up early for him...
0:26:53 > 0:26:56..and do a fry-up, make him a mug of tea.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59It set him on an even keel.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02- Every Friday?- Every morning.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09Right.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13- What are yous having? - Can I get Pete's fry-up?
0:27:14 > 0:27:17Listen, what about that big, hairy Bluto bastard, Boabby?
0:27:20 > 0:27:21Is this The Clansman?
0:27:21 > 0:27:24- HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: - No, The Clansman's next door.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27- You're in Navid's.- Am I?
0:27:27 > 0:27:32- IMITATES NAVID:- Meena, this floor needs mopped.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34ISA SPEAKS URDU
0:27:36 > 0:27:39I'm going to tell Boabby I'm having to hand my notice in.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42I'm having trouble with my eyesight.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56Anything in that bag for us, Winston?
0:27:56 > 0:27:59Aye, it's a note to the pair of you.
0:28:02 > 0:28:06"Dear Jack and Victor, or may I say the ambassadors of Craiglang.
0:28:06 > 0:28:10"Two good friends who always looked after each other.
0:28:10 > 0:28:14"Now from the pub that never closes in the sky, I'll look after you.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18"I give to yous my most treasured possessions.
0:28:18 > 0:28:21"Enjoy, the very best, and I'll see you on the other side."
0:28:21 > 0:28:23See you on the other side?
0:28:25 > 0:28:28Not with this shite, you won't, Pete!
0:28:55 > 0:28:58NAVID: I don't get it. Why's naebody buying our hooch any more?