0:00:35 > 0:00:38Right, who are we giving our possessions to today?
0:00:38 > 0:00:41I am not going into Age Aid. That woman is a nightmare.
0:00:41 > 0:00:45She's as deef as a post and a rude cow intae the bargain.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48She blames ye cos she cannae hear ye. Thinks yer mumblin'.
0:00:48 > 0:00:52I had to shout at the top of ma voice, "It's a jumper!"
0:00:52 > 0:00:54And The Home Start Trust, you can forget that
0:00:54 > 0:00:56because she is a snooty Nazi cow.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59Rejecting stuff from yer bag. "No, no".
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Oh, aye, been there and done that.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04"There's a pair of trousers for your charity, dear, cheery-by!"
0:01:04 > 0:01:06"Hold your horses! Have these trousers been laundered?"
0:01:06 > 0:01:10"Naw, hen, of course not. I took a dump in them this morning and just thought,
0:01:10 > 0:01:12"I'll bring them up here, save me washing them!"
0:01:12 > 0:01:14"And if you hold the zipper up to yer beak,
0:01:14 > 0:01:16"you'll detect the unmistakable whiff of pish."
0:01:16 > 0:01:18"Get them washed, get them hung up
0:01:18 > 0:01:21"and get on with yer charity work, ya Hitler bastard."
0:01:23 > 0:01:24That's my wee stable all set out.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27All powdered off with white pepper.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Delicious!
0:01:29 > 0:01:32Oh, racing...on.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34FAINT COMMENTARY
0:01:35 > 0:01:37You can shut up, for a start.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41You'll no be ruining my wee self party with your free boiler,
0:01:41 > 0:01:43or accident that I havenae claimed for,
0:01:43 > 0:01:45or yer, indeed, your PPI pish.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50And that goes for you an' all.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52I'm no' interested in you.
0:01:52 > 0:01:57For, you are a Manila envelope...with a window in it,
0:01:57 > 0:02:00which I have no intention of keeking into.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03No joy has ever come of your kind.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10- So, it's the cat charity again, eh? - Aye, where is that?
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Up there, sure. Next to the suntan place.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15- The suntan place?- Aye, there.
0:02:15 > 0:02:16Browned Furra Pound.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Oh, aye.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20So, what ye givin' them?
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Shirt. Still in the wrapper.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24John sent it over about ten Christmases ago.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26It's no use. It's too big. It's enormous!
0:02:26 > 0:02:29It's for a big, bubble-bodied, fat fella.
0:02:30 > 0:02:3217.5 collar.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34That would do me. And I love maroon.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38Wish you health to wear it. What have you got?
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Eh? Oh, aye, um...this.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44It's a monkey smoking a fag. It's hideous, intit?
0:02:44 > 0:02:46I mean, what clown would gie ye that as a gift?
0:02:46 > 0:02:49- I got you that.- Did ye?- Aye. Give it to me, I'll take it.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51If I'm honest, I bought it fur myself, but yer birthday rolled up.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Is that a tray?
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Aye. It's got a map of Loch Lomond on it.
0:02:58 > 0:03:02- Oh! I love maps!- Haud the bus. What are you gein me for it?
0:03:02 > 0:03:03Er...
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Recorder. It's Fiona's. She was red rotten at it.
0:03:07 > 0:03:08It's fae Alicante.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11You say Alicante, I say AliCAN.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13To me! I'll get that learned.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15HE PLAYS A TUNE
0:03:16 > 0:03:18A spoon?
0:03:18 > 0:03:20A-huh, that's right, yes.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23It's for jam or sugar or salt, etc.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25It's from Troon.
0:03:25 > 0:03:26Oh, I see that.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28And the stuff in the bags, is that for us?
0:03:28 > 0:03:30- No, no, no.- No, no, no, no, no.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32No, this is good stuff. Naw, it's just the spoon today.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34So there ye have it.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36The spoon for stirring tea, or coffee,
0:03:36 > 0:03:39or cod liver oil if you're no well.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42I'm across how a spoon works.
0:03:42 > 0:03:43The cats will be very grateful.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Are ye no wantin' it, like?
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Hi, Jack. Victor.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Oh, hello, Mick. You're no still living underneath that bridge?
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Aye. Under the bridge, like a mad troll, man.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Oh, here, do you want a spoon?
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Oh! Haud on, ya daftie!
0:03:58 > 0:04:00(You cannae offer a recovering junkie a spoon!)
0:04:00 > 0:04:03- How no? - (He'll use it...for the junk!)
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Oh, aye, eating a big jar of junk.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08(They don't eat junk oota jar, Jack.
0:04:08 > 0:04:09(They cook it, on a spoon!)
0:04:11 > 0:04:14- Cookin' up junk on ma wee Troon spoon?- (Aye!)
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Listen, son, you were going to get a good spoon,
0:04:17 > 0:04:19but yer no getting it noo because of yer behaviour.
0:04:19 > 0:04:20Nae danger, man.
0:04:20 > 0:04:24Listen, hen, put that away oot the road, safe.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Thank you. Can I help you?
0:04:26 > 0:04:28- I'm wanting this suit.- A-huh.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31Thing is, it's £6 and I've only got £2.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33- Would you take two?- No.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36Eh, marvellous, eh? Charity begins at home(!)
0:04:36 > 0:04:38It is a charity, but it's also a business.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40We sell things for charity.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44The suit's £6. £6 in our till is a big help.
0:04:44 > 0:04:45Well, how about this, then?
0:04:45 > 0:04:49If we buy something at £4, will you let him have that suit for £2?
0:04:49 > 0:04:51- Yes.- What have you got that's £4?
0:04:51 > 0:04:55£4, please. It's a multipurpose spoon from Troon.
0:04:58 > 0:04:59FAINT COMMENTARY
0:05:02 > 0:05:03Ya bastard!
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Y-a-a-a-a-ah!
0:05:21 > 0:05:23Four-a-half grand?!
0:05:23 > 0:05:24For a daft parking ticket?!
0:05:24 > 0:05:27What did ye dae, shoot a traffic warden?
0:05:27 > 0:05:28You don't even have a car.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31Well, I did have a car, for about a fortnight.
0:05:32 > 0:05:351985. That's when I got the ticket.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37It's just ran up and noo they're comin' efter me.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40What are you gonnie dae?
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Well, the letter says,
0:05:43 > 0:05:44"If you are unable to pay,
0:05:44 > 0:05:47"the council shall endeavour to recoup the goods,
0:05:47 > 0:05:51"chattel or possessions amounting to the recovery of the debt."
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Well, that'll be the first £3 paid back.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Och shoosh! That's no the thing.
0:05:56 > 0:06:00I've got three weeks to pay, or it's a custodial sentence.
0:06:00 > 0:06:01- The jail?- The pokey?
0:06:01 > 0:06:03The bumhole buffet?
0:06:03 > 0:06:04That cannae be right.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06It is right. Read it and weep.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Wow, Winston, that letter is a downer.
0:06:09 > 0:06:15However...this one is an upper.
0:06:15 > 0:06:19My invitation to receive the Glasgow Good Citizen Civic Medal.
0:06:19 > 0:06:24Oh, aye, for cooking Pete the Jakey's breakfast every morning
0:06:24 > 0:06:25oot the goodness of your heart.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28- He doesnae have a heart.- Pipe doon.
0:06:29 > 0:06:30A-hem!
0:06:30 > 0:06:33"Why are you receiving this award?
0:06:33 > 0:06:39"Because you have exemplified a kindness or selflessness..."
0:06:39 > 0:06:42- You're oot o' bog roll, Boabby. - Use newspaper, ya twat.
0:06:43 > 0:06:47"In other words, your altruism and graciousness..."
0:06:47 > 0:06:50Can I get another wee splash of cola in there, Boabby?
0:06:50 > 0:06:54There's cola in it already, ya greedy old dick.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56"...has, above and beyond,
0:06:56 > 0:07:00"marked you as a citizen of great standing."
0:07:00 > 0:07:04- Boabby, can I...? - No, you cannae, ya miserable ratbag.
0:07:05 > 0:07:10"And, for these esteemed qualities, we salute and reward you."
0:07:12 > 0:07:15The Glasgow Good Citizen's Civic Medal?
0:07:15 > 0:07:19Are you sure it's no the Black-Hearted Bawbag Barman Medallion?
0:07:19 > 0:07:23Or the Distinguished Doolally Dickpiece Deadbeat Decoration?
0:07:23 > 0:07:24Great, eh?
0:07:24 > 0:07:27I get a £4,500 parking ticket and he gets a medal.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30Huh! That's both stones firmly kicked.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Oh, and there's a plus-one.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Who's comin' wi' me?
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Eh? Oh, no, I'm, er...I'm washing my moustache that day.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40I'm, er...I'm givin' him a hand.
0:07:42 > 0:07:46What aboot you, Isa? Or are you busy washing your moustache?
0:07:46 > 0:07:49- Heh! Um... - Tell him your washing your beard.
0:07:49 > 0:07:55Boabby! That would lovely, but the thing is, erm...
0:07:55 > 0:07:56Well...?
0:07:58 > 0:08:02I cannae go because you'll need somebody to cover for you here at The Clansman!
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Hee-hee-hee!
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Well, otherwise that would have been lovely.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13Boabby, I'll ignore the fact that you've asked everybody else,
0:08:13 > 0:08:18but can I put forward my case for being your plus-one?
0:08:21 > 0:08:25As you all know, I've been in financial trouble myself a couple of times.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28Gracious me, I am noo. Huh-huh!
0:08:28 > 0:08:31I'm what they call a borderline case.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Freddie Foodbank, if you will.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35And it's for that reason
0:08:35 > 0:08:39that I appreciate the charity that you showed Pete.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42You deserve that medal.
0:08:42 > 0:08:47And I would be honoured to be there to see you receive it.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Because you are one hell of a fella, Boabby.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53One hell of a fella.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Thanks, Winston.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58I'd be delighted to have you there.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Honoured to be there?
0:09:08 > 0:09:10- A-huh.- A helluva fella?
0:09:10 > 0:09:12A helluva gormless fella.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17I've just got an invite to the inside of the City Chambers.
0:09:17 > 0:09:22- Right.- Where they have a lovely ballroom for awards upstairs.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25- And?- And the fines and parking department downstairs!
0:09:34 > 0:09:35Riddle me this, Batman.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Off you go, Alfred.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39- Who's Alfred?- The butler.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42- Whose butler?- Batman's butler!
0:09:42 > 0:09:45- Naw, I'm no the butler. - If yer no going to go Alfred,
0:09:45 > 0:09:48the only other people you can be is Robin or Batgirl.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Well, I've neither the tights for Robin, nor the tits for Batgirl.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53No, I'm the Riddler, so riddle me this!
0:09:53 > 0:09:56- Well, go wi' it! - The question I'm asking is,
0:09:56 > 0:09:59is Boabby an arsehole who became charitable,
0:09:59 > 0:10:02or is he a charitable man who masquerades as an arsehole?
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Ah. Is he a benevolent man that covers it with a mask
0:10:05 > 0:10:07- and cape of arseholiness?- Exactly.
0:10:07 > 0:10:12Naw. I reckon he's a fully-paid-up, card-carrying arsehole.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Aye, he's an arsehole.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Yer no the Riddler, yer the Penguin.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Oh. Am I?
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Weah, weah, weah, weah, weah!
0:10:22 > 0:10:23Watch the tea, Jack!
0:10:23 > 0:10:25THEY CHUCKLE
0:10:25 > 0:10:26DOORBELL
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Oh.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32- Oh, Mick!- Jack.
0:10:32 > 0:10:33What can I do for you, son?
0:10:33 > 0:10:37I wanted to say thanks for giving us a dig-oot with the suit.
0:10:37 > 0:10:38Aye, nae problem, son, aye, aye.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Just oot of curiosity, what did you need the suit for?
0:10:41 > 0:10:42Yer no in trouble, are ye?
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Naw, quite the opposite.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46I've got an interview for a job.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Oh, that's marvellous, eh?
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Well, so you're wanted kitted oot?
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Suit, shirt, tie, shoes, the lot, eh?
0:10:52 > 0:10:54De ye think I'll need all that? It's only a daft office job.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Now, listen to me, ye young dumper.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59You go for that interview, right, and then later on, they say,
0:10:59 > 0:11:01"Who do we like for this?"
0:11:01 > 0:11:03And the gaffer pipes up, "I liked the boy with the suit."
0:11:03 > 0:11:06But the assistant says, "Who was that wi' the suit?"
0:11:06 > 0:11:07He says, "The boy wi' the suit, sure,
0:11:07 > 0:11:10"and the manky shirt and the rotten flip-flops.
0:11:10 > 0:11:11"He's the boy for us".
0:11:11 > 0:11:12It's no going to work son, is it?
0:11:12 > 0:11:14You don't need that other stuff.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17"It is only with the heart we can see fully,
0:11:17 > 0:11:21"what is essential is invisible to the eyes."
0:11:21 > 0:11:26Antoine de Saint-Exupery, 1940.
0:11:26 > 0:11:27There or thereabouts.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Right. What size are your shoes?
0:11:32 > 0:11:34- 10.- Ah, you're pumped. I'm a 12.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Ah, I'm a 9.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Haud on. Two pair of socks and a pair of ma shoes.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41What about a pair of my Colin's? He's a 10.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Have you still got some of Colin's stuff?
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Aye. There's tons there.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49It's been lyin' there since he went to the university.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52I can gie ye shoes, shirt and a tie an' all!
0:11:52 > 0:11:55Well, there ye go. That's smashin'. Thanks, Isa.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57What de ye think?
0:11:57 > 0:12:00You guys have got it good, living up here,
0:12:00 > 0:12:03wi' a talking letterbox that gies ye stuff.
0:12:03 > 0:12:07- Eh?- Mad hoose wi' a magic door.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Aye, it's pure Pixar, innit?
0:12:10 > 0:12:12It's a woman!
0:12:12 > 0:12:13Right.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Nice to meet ye, Missus.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23For God's sake! This is oor neighbour, Isa.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Hello, son.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28Noo, I've also got a nice overcoat there you could use
0:12:28 > 0:12:29for if the weather's bad.
0:12:29 > 0:12:33Thanks. Haud on, but, I might no need a coat.
0:12:39 > 0:12:43What will the weather be like on Monday, magic door?
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Can you be quiet, please? This is a library!
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Chattering away like a couple of budgies!
0:12:58 > 0:12:59I couldnae hear a thing.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02Aye, well, they were deafening me.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05Noo, the way I see it, Winston, when I click on this button,
0:13:05 > 0:13:08I'll be an accessory, aiding and abetting ye.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11I like a bet as well, Shug. I'm always betting.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13No, no, no, no' betting, abetting.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17Look, Shug, this is an ancient, lousy parking ticket
0:13:17 > 0:13:21- that over the years has turned intae Bigfoot.- Ah.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24We get in there, we find the cave where Bigfoot lives,
0:13:24 > 0:13:30"Oh, hello, ya big £4,500 hairy Sasquatch pain in the arse!"
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Blammo!
0:13:32 > 0:13:34- No' crime, a hunt! - That's right, Shug.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36And what are we if not hunting men?
0:13:36 > 0:13:38And Sasquatch is the parking ticket?
0:13:38 > 0:13:41- Yes!- Aye, OK.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Aye.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Bingo! That's you.
0:13:46 > 0:13:47What am I looking at?
0:13:47 > 0:13:51Well, that's the original drawings for the City Chambers, 1885.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54See, there's yer roof layout,
0:13:54 > 0:13:56there's your ballroom, that's where you'll be.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Watching Boabby getting his stupid badge.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Aye, well, you excuse yourself,
0:14:00 > 0:14:02you're...you're needing a pish or some such.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Cut through the kitchen, along the corridor.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07The traffic fines office is behind that,
0:14:07 > 0:14:09and that's where we need to be.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15So, what do we need - torches, glasscutters?
0:14:15 > 0:14:19Possibly, what, welding gear of some description?
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Gelignite! Will we need geli?
0:14:22 > 0:14:27The only jelly you'll be getting is after yer dinner, ya fat clown.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30Cut down the fire stairs, let me in the back door.
0:14:30 > 0:14:344:30 on the button. Boom!
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Call me a fat clown!
0:14:38 > 0:14:39Do you think there will be jelly?
0:14:42 > 0:14:45He's had a shower and everything. Wait till you see him.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47It wis very good of ye feeding the boy like that, Isa.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50- Sorry?- I said, it wis very good of ye feeding the boy like that.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Do you know something, Isa?
0:14:52 > 0:14:55That's probably that boy's first square meal in God-knows-how-long.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58- Good on ye.- He's a lucky lad.
0:14:58 > 0:14:59He's a lucky, lucky lad.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Aye, well, he's welcome.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Right, youse ready?
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Oh, come on in, son!
0:15:06 > 0:15:07Oh, the big reveal, eh!
0:15:07 > 0:15:09It's like one of they makeover shows!
0:15:09 > 0:15:12- Oh!- Oh!- Look at that!
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Shining like a new penny.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Aye. You, boy, are ready for that job interview.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21- Oh! No, no, no.- No, no.
0:15:21 > 0:15:22Oh, dear!
0:15:24 > 0:15:26Good of you to see us at short notice like this, Cammy.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28No problem.
0:15:28 > 0:15:29Not long now.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32So, operating out o' the hoose now, eh?
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Aye, since I got struck off.
0:15:34 > 0:15:39You pull four teeth out the wrong person and everybody gangs nuts.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41I mean, how was I supposed to know
0:15:41 > 0:15:43she was the girl out the toothpaste advert?
0:15:46 > 0:15:49So, are you still allowed to use gas, Cammy?
0:15:49 > 0:15:52Well, I'm not going to chuck it out.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54I've got a garage full of it!
0:15:54 > 0:15:55Gas, man!
0:15:57 > 0:15:59I've never had gas before.
0:15:59 > 0:16:00Hee-hee-hee!
0:16:00 > 0:16:01You feelin' OK, Mick?
0:16:01 > 0:16:04Tae be honest wi' ye, a wee bit depersonalised.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07Mebbe even de-realised.
0:16:07 > 0:16:11Also feeling high levels of suggestibility and imagination,
0:16:11 > 0:16:13but overall, a slight dizziness
0:16:13 > 0:16:15blanketed in a deep-rooted euphoria.
0:16:15 > 0:16:21Get yersels tanked up wi'it, it's aff its nut! Ha!
0:16:21 > 0:16:22Do you want to try some, lads?
0:16:22 > 0:16:24- No, no.- No, no.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Hey, look at that!
0:16:26 > 0:16:29- When's that fae? - I dunno, but it cost three-and-six.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32- "At home with James Dean." - THEY CHUCKLE
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Look at this!
0:16:34 > 0:16:38"Engelbert Humperdinck celebrates his 27th birthday in style."
0:16:38 > 0:16:42"Jackie O's stunning new wardrobe ahead of Dallas trip."
0:16:43 > 0:16:46"Why the ladies love Liberace."
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Right, that's you, son.
0:16:48 > 0:16:49Got any mouthwash?
0:16:52 > 0:16:53Here, rinse with that.
0:16:53 > 0:16:57Right. So that's you sorted for your interview tomorrow.
0:16:57 > 0:16:58What time's it at?
0:17:01 > 0:17:034:30. How am I looking?
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Like the 2:30 favourite at Cheltenham. Come on.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16HE INHALES
0:17:19 > 0:17:21- What's wrong wi' you? - I'm just a wee bit nervous.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24What have you got to be nervous about? It's me that's getting the medal.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26I'm nervous for you.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29All the chat and all that.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32- Who we'll be sittin' wi' and everything.- Oh, gies peace!
0:17:36 > 0:17:38There, we're there, Table Four.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41Right, er... Hm! I'm needing the toilet.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44You go and get yourself settled and I'll get ye in there in five.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Come on, we're due in there noo. Move yer arse!
0:17:48 > 0:17:50There will be jelly, right?
0:18:01 > 0:18:03- Winston?- What?!
0:18:03 > 0:18:06What is it wi' you and that watch?
0:18:06 > 0:18:08I'm just anxious to get to the toilet.
0:18:09 > 0:18:13Will you sit a bloody minute until people sit down?
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Hi. I'm Boabby.
0:18:17 > 0:18:21Hi, I'm Rachel. Are you winning something tonight?
0:18:21 > 0:18:23I am indeed.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25This must be the winners' enclosure.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27What are you receiving your award for?
0:18:27 > 0:18:33Oh, I, er...looked after a homeless guy for, um...quite some time.
0:18:34 > 0:18:38- You?- Myself and Caroline jumped into the Maryhill Canal
0:18:38 > 0:18:40and saved a man from drowning.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Firefighter. Art school.
0:18:45 > 0:18:49I quit my job and went around Eastern Europe for two years
0:18:49 > 0:18:54with a puppet show that I performed for children orphaned by war.
0:18:58 > 0:19:02I'm his plus-one and I'm needing a shite.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09How's that a poached egg, you silly bastard?
0:19:09 > 0:19:13It looks like something that fell out your nose!
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Right, get it fixed, start again!
0:19:15 > 0:19:18I'm not serving that up, you novice arsehole!
0:19:19 > 0:19:21And where do you think you're going, fatty?!
0:19:21 > 0:19:22I was just, er...
0:19:22 > 0:19:24"I was just, er...just, er..."
0:19:24 > 0:19:27Just get the nibbles on the trays and onto the tables!
0:19:27 > 0:19:29I was on my way to the toilet.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31Get those nibbles oot!
0:19:33 > 0:19:34Oi!
0:19:42 > 0:19:44(Winston! What the f...?)
0:19:46 > 0:19:48CLATTER!
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Ye all set for your interview, Mick?
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Look at that pigeon, man. Look at the size of it!
0:19:56 > 0:19:58It looks as if it's ate another pigeon.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Never mind the pigeons.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Look, I'll pretend to be the interviewer
0:20:02 > 0:20:04and you introduce yourself to me.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Hello, I'm Methadone Mick.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08I wouldn't say that.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Hello, I'm Methadone Michael?
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Mick, you can drop the Methadone.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Cannae man, got tae have it every morning.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Never mind that. Just say, "Hello, my name is Michael",
0:20:19 > 0:20:20and then just be loose wi' it.
0:20:20 > 0:20:24Let's buy some pigeon feed. That wee one looks starving.
0:20:24 > 0:20:28Look, gie it a rest wi' the pigeons. Watch me. Watch and learn.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Good afternoon. My name's Victor.
0:20:31 > 0:20:32Good afternoon, Victor.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34What makes you think you're suited to the position?
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Ha-ha! That's an easy one, sir.
0:20:36 > 0:20:4030 years in the service of Babcock and Wilcox, man and boy.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44Loyalty's my middle name, diligence is my reason for being.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46- Impressive.- So therefore...
0:20:46 > 0:20:47Weesht! You've done enough.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49I see no reason why you can't start on Monday.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52I'm over the moon. Let me leave you with my CV.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57On the other hand, make it Tuesday.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00That'll give you a chance to wipe that muck off your face.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03So that's basically it, Mick.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06Confident, forthright, be yersel'. But without the shit.
0:21:08 > 0:21:09Good luck.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Nyah!
0:21:23 > 0:21:25(Damn it! He's no supposed to be there!)
0:21:38 > 0:21:40WHIRRING
0:21:45 > 0:21:47- Watch what yer daein'!- No! No!
0:21:48 > 0:21:52Buffers, eh? Come on, ya wee bastard, buff! Argh!
0:21:57 > 0:21:59I'm Andrew Gillespie. Sit yourself down.
0:22:06 > 0:22:07Michael, is it?
0:22:07 > 0:22:08Mick. Michael.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10Nothing to do with Methadone.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16OK, Mick. Why do you think you're suited to this position?
0:22:16 > 0:22:17Ah!
0:22:17 > 0:22:2130 years in the service of Babcock and Wilcox, man and boy.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23- What age are you?- 23.
0:22:25 > 0:22:26Loyalty's my middle name.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29Well, it isnae actually, it's Thomas.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31MICK CHUCKLES
0:22:31 > 0:22:35Diligence is my reason for being and I've no got shite on ma heid.
0:22:35 > 0:22:36I beg your pardon?
0:22:36 > 0:22:40I've no got shite on ma face, or anything like that.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52For God's sake, where have ye been?
0:22:52 > 0:22:55I was a baw hair away from gein ma pension to a prostitute!
0:22:55 > 0:22:57(Shut up! Get in!)
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Well, Mick, we have others to see.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Fair dos, Andra...Mr Gillespie.
0:23:04 > 0:23:09Here's the thing. See, my life, so far, it's no been up to much, man.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Hands up, it's been ma fault.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15But you see noo? I'm clean, focused, man.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17My...my mad days are behind me.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20Well, you're remarkably well-turned-out today.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23You'll love this. It's aff its nut.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26I got this suit fur £6,
0:23:26 > 0:23:28but no really cos I only had two,
0:23:28 > 0:23:32but I got it anyroads cos Jack and Victor bought a spoon.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34So that was excellent.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Then I'm up at their door and this wee magic letterbox
0:23:37 > 0:23:40starts talking to me about all the stuff it can gie me.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Tie, shirt, shoes annat.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Cos the letterbox hud a son called Colin.
0:23:44 > 0:23:48Next thing, my teeth are nae use!
0:23:48 > 0:23:51So I'm in this fella's living room, like...
0:23:51 > 0:23:53S-h-h-h-h-h-h!
0:23:56 > 0:23:57Gas!
0:23:59 > 0:24:00Gas is good!
0:24:00 > 0:24:01Then in the background...
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Ding-ding-ding!
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Old teeth in the bin, new teeth plugged in.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Aye.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Oh! We'll be here a bloody month!
0:24:22 > 0:24:24No, we'll not.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Come here.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Ho-ho!
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Ho-ho-ho-ho!
0:24:37 > 0:24:42Look at you, ya ancient, old, wee monkey!
0:24:42 > 0:24:43Come here.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Job done!
0:24:47 > 0:24:50I'll see ye back at The Clansman. Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:25:00 > 0:25:02- You're not Brian.- No.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Where is Brian?
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Er...he's no here the noo.
0:25:06 > 0:25:07Get the bell, then!
0:25:07 > 0:25:10- The bell? - Go and get the bell, ya numpty!
0:25:20 > 0:25:21Hear ye!
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Oh, yay!
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Hear ye!
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Shoosh the noo.
0:25:28 > 0:25:33Ladies and gentlemen, er...His Right Honourable Lord...
0:25:33 > 0:25:36Lady, er...Provost, um...
0:25:36 > 0:25:37What's yer name, hen?
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Winnie Cranston.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Winnie Cranston!
0:25:41 > 0:25:42Give it up for Winnie!
0:25:42 > 0:25:44- APPLAUSE - Whoo!
0:25:44 > 0:25:46Whoo-hoo! Whoo!
0:25:51 > 0:25:53My lords, ladies and gentlemen,
0:25:53 > 0:25:57thank you for that warm reception.
0:25:59 > 0:26:03- Brian?- I don't know who that man is, but he's an impostor!
0:26:05 > 0:26:06Aw, for fu...!
0:26:12 > 0:26:15Mayhem. Absolute mayhem. I thought I was getting the jail.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17So, how did you get off?
0:26:17 > 0:26:20The old silver tongue got me off wi' it.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23Aye, that and a quarter of an hour begging like a wee lassie.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26"Oh, I'm Boabby's plus-wan! I'm Boabby's plus-wan!
0:26:26 > 0:26:29"I got lost in the corridors cos I'm old and past it!"
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Aye, well, it worked, didn't it?
0:26:31 > 0:26:33And naebody none the wiser.
0:26:33 > 0:26:34None the wiser about what?
0:26:34 > 0:26:36That old parking ticket.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39That's why I went! It's binned. History.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Awright, troops?
0:26:42 > 0:26:43Oh, aye! Hey, Mick, How'd ye get on?
0:26:43 > 0:26:45- I got it. - THEY CHEER
0:26:47 > 0:26:50I was close to not getting it, cos I was nervous annat, talking pish.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53Then the strangest thing happened.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55I'm about to leave, thinking I've humped it
0:26:55 > 0:26:57and then I sees he's daein a crossword,
0:26:57 > 0:26:59but he's no finished yet, he's stuck.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02So I lean over and say, "Three tae finish, eh?
0:27:02 > 0:27:05"It's a bastard when that happens.
0:27:05 > 0:27:10"So genuine, real, honest. That one's unfeigned.
0:27:10 > 0:27:14"Four doon, nine letters, hard working is assiduous.
0:27:14 > 0:27:18"The last one there, coolness and composure,
0:27:18 > 0:27:20"especially in a difficult situation.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23"Equanimity."
0:27:23 > 0:27:27The next thing I know, Gillespie's standing up and gieing it the welcome aboard.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29Ah, that's magic! Dead chuffed for ye, son.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32- Aye, really happy for you, Mick. - Oh, you guys are the stars, man.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Youse got me there.
0:27:34 > 0:27:38Who knows? Mebbe youse'll be picking up some medals next year.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40If we don't have a hard winter.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Right, Boabby, mair drinks!
0:27:43 > 0:27:46Seems like we've all had a bit of good luck today. Huh!
0:27:46 > 0:27:48Where is it you're working, son?
0:27:48 > 0:27:50Ach, it's just some daft office job.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58- How ye getting on, Mick? - Brilliant, Mr Gillespie.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00I was climbing the walls there earlier
0:28:00 > 0:28:03cos there was ten fines to be processed there
0:28:03 > 0:28:05and I could only find nine of them.
0:28:05 > 0:28:06One of them was missing.
0:28:06 > 0:28:10So I've hunted, and of all the places,
0:28:10 > 0:28:13it's in the bin, crumpled up!
0:28:14 > 0:28:17Nae luck, Mr Ingram, whoever ye are.
0:28:17 > 0:28:20Ha-ha-ha!
0:28:45 > 0:28:49I feel bad about dropping Winston in it with that old parking ticket.
0:28:49 > 0:28:52Ach, don't worry, son. You werenae tae know.
0:28:52 > 0:28:53What did he get?
0:28:54 > 0:28:57- What did you get again, Winston? - 100 hours.