0:00:35 > 0:00:37Right, what have we got?
0:00:37 > 0:00:38I've narrowed it down to three.
0:00:38 > 0:00:39Nae repeats, mind.
0:00:39 > 0:00:43Naw, nae repeats. We're no' going up the rubbish channels, either.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46BBC Nine and all that shite. That's the wrong end of town.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48And I'm no' watching Gobblebox.
0:00:50 > 0:00:51Gogglebox?
0:00:51 > 0:00:53- What did I say?- Gobblebox.
0:00:53 > 0:00:57That would just be a pile of people sitting round watching porno movies.
0:00:57 > 0:00:58Oh, aye, aye.
0:00:58 > 0:01:03Right, so the frontrunner is A Mile In My Shoes, a doc.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06The trials and tribulations of two men swapping their lives
0:01:06 > 0:01:08for a period of time.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10One's a chairman of a big company,
0:01:10 > 0:01:12and the other guy's a bampot.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14That sounds brutal.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Socially experimenting on people.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18That's Mengele pish.
0:01:18 > 0:01:19Aye...
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Camera crew - "Right, come here," filming him.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24Boy's making an arse of it, we're sitting at home heehawing
0:01:24 > 0:01:26and laughing at the poor bastard's misery.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28- It's definitely no' right. - It's bad form.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31- Do you want to watch it? - Aye, get it on.
0:01:33 > 0:01:37Here, I wonder what would happen if you and I swapped houses, Victor.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40Well, I'd come to you on a Tuesday and you'd come to me on a Wednesday.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Aye, as opposed to me coming to you on a Tuesday
0:01:42 > 0:01:44- and you coming to me on a Wednesday. - I would, however,
0:01:44 > 0:01:48- be worried about my chip pan if you were living in my house.- How so?
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Well, I'd be lying in my bed - actually your bed -
0:01:51 > 0:01:52eyes staring out my head,
0:01:52 > 0:01:56worried sick that you'd be rummaging about in my kitchen,
0:01:56 > 0:01:57drunk on my drink,
0:01:57 > 0:02:00looking for things to deep-fry in my chip pan.
0:02:00 > 0:02:01And why not? I'd be hungry.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03But I'd be bitterly disappointed
0:02:03 > 0:02:06because you've no' got anything in your cupboards except tins.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09So then I'd be arseing about with your shonky can-opener
0:02:09 > 0:02:12trying to wheedle the Spam out the tin and into your fryer.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14There it is right there, Jack, eh?
0:02:14 > 0:02:18Frying Spam in the dead of night, three sheets to the wind.
0:02:18 > 0:02:19"Oh, I know what I'll dae.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21"That Spam'll take a wee while to cook through.
0:02:21 > 0:02:25"I'll just have a wee snooze on the couch here cos I'm leathered."
0:02:25 > 0:02:26Oh, I know what this is.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29This is a chip-pan-fire scenario, innit?
0:02:29 > 0:02:32Yes. First the handle - puddle of black plastic.
0:02:32 > 0:02:33Then my curtains - boof!
0:02:33 > 0:02:36The whole kitchen ablaze. The guy upstairs going off his nut,
0:02:36 > 0:02:38wondering where all the heat's coming from!
0:02:38 > 0:02:41And me, at my age, up umpteen floors
0:02:41 > 0:02:42on a fireman's ladder,
0:02:42 > 0:02:44trying to get out the building.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46- That widnae bother me.- How?
0:02:46 > 0:02:47Cos my worries would be over.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49I'd be burnt to crisp.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Jack Black.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Aye, lucky you, eh(?)
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Aye, well, that's a result.
0:02:55 > 0:02:56- Oh!- What?
0:02:56 > 0:02:58I've got chips on!
0:02:58 > 0:03:01HE CHUCKLES
0:03:06 > 0:03:07Enjoy your roll.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Thanks, Sinead, hen.
0:03:10 > 0:03:11Oh!
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Please, Isa, join us(!)
0:03:15 > 0:03:17What can I get you?
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Oh, nothing for me.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Just a tea, hen. I'm watching my weight.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24I'll maybe have a wee roll wi' sausage,
0:03:24 > 0:03:28and put an egg on it, a wee bit of bacon.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31- What's that you've got, Victor? - Roll and black pudding.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Aye, a wee bit of black pudding an' all, hen.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Stick a tattie scone on the top of it.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38- Do you want beans an' all?- Naw!
0:03:38 > 0:03:39SHE LAUGHS
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Well, maybe a wee forkful, hen.
0:03:42 > 0:03:43Right.
0:03:43 > 0:03:47Oh, uh, Sinead, congratulations on your one-year anniversary.
0:03:47 > 0:03:48That's flew in.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50How did you know?
0:03:50 > 0:03:52I just seen wee Fergie across the road.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54He was buying you something nice.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Of course I'll no' say what it is.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Flowers!
0:03:58 > 0:03:59That's remarkable, Isa.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03You manage to order the whole world on a roll and keep a secret
0:04:03 > 0:04:04for 52 whole seconds.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Shut up.
0:04:06 > 0:04:07A wee slice of tomato an' all, hen.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10- Tomato.- Can I get that to go? - Aye, nae bother.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12We've got a wheelbarrow oot the back.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Eh?
0:04:14 > 0:04:15Nothing.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17- All right, team?- Ah, Fergie.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20- Happy anniversary, son.- Flowers.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24All right, doll?
0:04:25 > 0:04:26Happy anniversary.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29Aw, they're lovely. I got you some aftershave.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32What were you doing, spending all that money?
0:04:32 > 0:04:33Calvin Klein?!
0:04:33 > 0:04:35No. It was only six quid.
0:04:35 > 0:04:36Calvin Klone.
0:04:36 > 0:04:40Thanks. Fire us up a roll and scrambled egg, will you?
0:04:43 > 0:04:45SHE COUGHS
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Are you doing anything special tonight?
0:04:51 > 0:04:52We're gonnae get a KFC.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Fitting.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57I'm no' quite across what all the anniversary years are.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00I know 50's golden and 40's ruby.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02So one year must be...chicken?
0:05:02 > 0:05:05No! Sure the first year's paper.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Which a KFC is wrapped in.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10- That was my thinking.- Aye.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15- Ohhh...- What's the matter? - No...
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Nothing...
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Here you!
0:05:20 > 0:05:21- That's enough of that.- What?
0:05:21 > 0:05:23Looking at that lassie.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25What lassie?
0:05:25 > 0:05:26THAT lassie.
0:05:26 > 0:05:27What, her?
0:05:27 > 0:05:30That lassie that just came in there in the two-piece suit
0:05:30 > 0:05:34- and sat down at the window, with the flattering light on her?- Aye.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36I wisnae looking at her.
0:05:36 > 0:05:37You were.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40- You're allowed to look, aren't you? - Fergie!
0:05:42 > 0:05:45Well, she's happy enough wi' her flowers.
0:05:48 > 0:05:49Enjoy your roll.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Isa, do you want a hand out the door wi' that?
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Where did you get the flowers?
0:05:57 > 0:05:58Across the road.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01At least you didnae get them out the garage, like a lazy bastard.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03I got them out the garage across the road.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05You lazy bastard.
0:06:13 > 0:06:14Hi, Isa.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Boabby, son.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Wow, Navid. 40 year!
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Congratulations. That is some shift.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Thank you, Boabby. I thought, "How do you mark it?"
0:06:24 > 0:06:26You give something back.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30So I've rolled back the prices to 1976.
0:06:30 > 0:06:31Excellent.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34I'll take two dozen bottles of Scotch and all your fags.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37- Scotch and smokes are exempt. - Why's that?
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Because I never had time to phone Customs and Excise
0:06:39 > 0:06:42to inform them that some poxy shop in Craiglang
0:06:42 > 0:06:44was having a rollback experience.
0:06:44 > 0:06:45Fair enough.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47A packet of Nic Naks, then.
0:06:47 > 0:06:4955 pence.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51They're always 55 pence.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Where is my 1976 rollback?
0:06:54 > 0:06:57My shop opened in 1976.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00Nic Naks were launched in 1981.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03They are also exempt from the rollback bonanza.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Fine! A tube of Pringles.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Pringles have been around for donkey's.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10I'm afraid you are the donkey here, Boabby.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Pringles, the taste sensation,
0:07:13 > 0:07:16burst onto the snack scene in 1967.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Good. Get them beeped.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21But that was in the US.
0:07:21 > 0:07:26In the UK, they were launched in 1991. Exempt!
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Have you actually got anything from 1976
0:07:29 > 0:07:32- that costs what it cost in 1976, Navid?- Of course.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35This shop is a treasure trove of savings today.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38You, uh, just need to find them.
0:07:38 > 0:07:39Da-dee!
0:07:44 > 0:07:45Warm.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Warm.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Hot. Hot. Roasting!
0:07:49 > 0:07:50Cold again.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00SHE MOUTHS
0:08:03 > 0:08:05Bleach?! You dick!
0:08:08 > 0:08:09Well done.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13Sale Of The Century. The Price Is Right. Bleach!
0:08:13 > 0:08:17Okey dokey, then. Today's price - 35 pence.
0:08:17 > 0:08:201976 rollback bonanza price -
0:08:20 > 0:08:2234 pence.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Ah! Nae luck, Boabby.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Thanks for playing.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Have you enjoyed your time with us?
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Aye, I've had a lovely... Oh, for fu...
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Unbelievable! Bloody bleach. I don't even need bleach.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38You don't need bleach? I've smelt the toilets in the Clansman.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40SHE LAUGHS
0:08:40 > 0:08:43I'm a busy man, Navid. I don't need this garbage.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46How are you busy?
0:08:47 > 0:08:49I've got the brewers coming in the day.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51I've got barrels to change.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54I've got the cellar to clean. I've got stocktake.
0:08:54 > 0:08:58It's all right for you, eh? You've got it cushy.
0:08:58 > 0:08:59Cushy?
0:08:59 > 0:09:02You've got your missus doing all your heavy lifting.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05You've got Isa cleaning the place for you,
0:09:05 > 0:09:08sweating like Susan Boyle in a cake shop,
0:09:08 > 0:09:13while you sit on your wee throne, watching Loose Women.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Cushy.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Cheeky bastard. There's nothing cushy about my job.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23TRANSLATION:
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Eric. Jack. Victor.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Hi, Fergie.
0:09:37 > 0:09:38Have you got a minute?
0:09:38 > 0:09:41- Lager, please, Boabby. - What do you want, Fergie?
0:09:41 > 0:09:42It's delicate.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45- Uh-huh. - It's about...marriage and that,
0:09:45 > 0:09:47and I want to ask you guys advice.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49On marriage?
0:09:49 > 0:09:52No, no, you're talking to two old fellas from a different era.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54I mean, I was married at 21, for God's sake.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57An eejit! A young daftie.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00Aye, me an' all. I don't know what I was thinking.
0:10:00 > 0:10:0321! Stupid, doolally bastard.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05I got married at 21.
0:10:05 > 0:10:06Did you, son? Carry on.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09I see yous two as the ancients.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11I'm no' sure I like that, "ancients".
0:10:11 > 0:10:14No! The elder statesmen. The wise men.
0:10:14 > 0:10:15Go on.
0:10:15 > 0:10:16It's just...
0:10:16 > 0:10:18See my marriage?
0:10:18 > 0:10:21I'm not saying it's no' good, but a lot of time's passed.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23A year's a long time?
0:10:23 > 0:10:24Huh, right enough, aye.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26You must be sick of the sight of one another.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28The old 12-month itch.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Is this because you were ogling at that lassie
0:10:32 > 0:10:34- in the cafe the other day? - I've no' done nothing.- Good.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36It's just...
0:10:36 > 0:10:40when I married Sinead, I hadn't really been with anybody else.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42She's beautiful an' all that,
0:10:42 > 0:10:44I just feel I jumped in a bit quick.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Right, let me stop you right there, Fergie.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Temptation is the trial of every red-blooded man.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Marriage is like a fine old classic car.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56If you leave it lying, well, it goes rusty.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58And then when you're wanting inside it,
0:10:58 > 0:11:01you try to get your key in, it'll no' start.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04- You get me? - So, if you've got a classic car,
0:11:04 > 0:11:07make sure you're always polishing the bonnet.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09I have been polishing the bonnet.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Aye, but now you're wanting to
0:11:11 > 0:11:13- polish this other lassie's headlights.- Eh?
0:11:13 > 0:11:16You see, Fergie, your modern women have all these new needs.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18You know, fresh demands.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Like the cly-toris.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23Don't get embarrassed, Fergie. Victor's right.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Today, it's all about the cly-torises
0:11:25 > 0:11:27and making a real effort to reach your woman's G Plan.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29G-spot, Jack.
0:11:29 > 0:11:30G-spot? What did I say?
0:11:30 > 0:11:32G Plan. That's furniture.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Oh, aye.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37So, when you have located the G-spot...
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Listen, guys, that'll dae me.
0:11:39 > 0:11:40That's plenty.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43No, give us a minute, we know what we're talking about.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46You've seen Kayleigh. She's beautiful, man.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48What would you dae?
0:11:48 > 0:11:50I'll tell you what I'd dae. Carpe diem.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Carpe diem?
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Carpe diem, Fergie.
0:11:54 > 0:11:55Carpe diem...
0:11:59 > 0:12:00Carpe diem.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Two lager, Boabby.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07What does "carpe diem" mean, Jack?
0:12:07 > 0:12:08Carpe diem? It's Latin, sure.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10It means do right thing. Toe the line.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Behave yourself.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Oh, aye, stick with the missus.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Straighten up and fly right!
0:12:16 > 0:12:17Carpe diem!
0:12:17 > 0:12:22Have you got 50 pence for a cup of tea, mate? No?
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Mick?
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Aw, Fergie, it's yourself.
0:12:26 > 0:12:31Aye. Here, Mick, you're good wi' words and that, aren't you?
0:12:31 > 0:12:35It has been suggested that my loquaciousness is legendary.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Aye, well, have you heard the phrase...
0:12:41 > 0:12:43"..carpe diem"?
0:12:43 > 0:12:44Yes. What about it?
0:12:44 > 0:12:46What does it mean?
0:12:46 > 0:12:47It's a Latin aphorism,
0:12:47 > 0:12:52taken from book one of the Roman poet Horace's work Odes from 23 BC,
0:12:52 > 0:12:54which I don't hold with.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56I reckon it's later.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Aye, later.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00But what does it mean?
0:13:00 > 0:13:04Seize the day, as in now, get it done.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07Don't leave it hinging till it gets minging.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Seize the day?!
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Wow. Thanks, Jack.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Thanks, Victor.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Seize the day.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Here I come, seize the day.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Navid? What can I get you?
0:13:24 > 0:13:27You can get me an apology. Make it a large one!
0:13:27 > 0:13:30Apologise? For what?
0:13:30 > 0:13:33- All that cushy crack in the shop. - What about it?
0:13:33 > 0:13:37Let me take you back 40 years to when I started my cushy wee shop.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41I was the only dark face in all of Craiglang.
0:13:41 > 0:13:45Every time I put my shutters up, somebody put my windows in.
0:13:45 > 0:13:49Every time I shut my shop at night, somebody broke in.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Chucking out alcoholics,
0:13:51 > 0:13:54patting down shoplifters,
0:13:54 > 0:13:56battling neds,
0:13:56 > 0:13:58dodging boys with blades.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00It was a war zone.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03And meanwhile, what were you doing, eh?
0:14:03 > 0:14:07"Oh, would you like a piece of ice in your Campari and soda?"
0:14:07 > 0:14:11"Oh, salted or dry roasted?"
0:14:11 > 0:14:13So what are you getting at?
0:14:13 > 0:14:15I'll tell you what I'm getting at.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18I could do your job standing on my head.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20But you widnae last ten minutes in my place.
0:14:20 > 0:14:24So apologise, or walk a mile in my shoes.
0:14:26 > 0:14:27Thing is, Navid,
0:14:27 > 0:14:30sometimes I just open my mouth and I let my belly rumble.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34I've upset you and, for that, I'm sorry.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Well, good.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39I accept.
0:14:39 > 0:14:44So you away back to your cushy wee sweetie shop!
0:14:44 > 0:14:46- Bastard!- Oh, Jesus!
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Whoa! Whoa! That's enough, that's enough.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51Stop that! Two grown men fighting!
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Well, one grown man and another one wi' learning difficulties,
0:14:54 > 0:14:57- but you know what I mean. Enough. - Did I get that right, Boabby?
0:14:57 > 0:14:59You're saying Navid's job is easy?
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Easy-peasy lemon-squeezy!
0:15:01 > 0:15:04Lemon squeezy, eh? I'll squeeze your neck!
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Settle down, settle down!
0:15:06 > 0:15:09And you're saying, Navid, that Boabby's job's easier?
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Easier. Peasier.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Lemon squeezier.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Right. Well, there's only one way to solve this.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25HE GULPS
0:15:25 > 0:15:27SULTRY MUSIC PLAYS
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Ooh...
0:16:01 > 0:16:04MUSIC STOPS
0:16:06 > 0:16:07No sale.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25Boabby, where are you? We're parched here!
0:16:25 > 0:16:26Service, please!
0:16:26 > 0:16:30- NAVID:- Give us a minute! I'm in the cellar changing a bloody barrel.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Is that Navid's voice?
0:16:32 > 0:16:33It's magic, eh?
0:16:33 > 0:16:36Already? First one that runs greeting to the other loses?
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Oh, this is going to be brilliant.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Oh, it's a good time to be alive.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Ah, here we go.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49Bob Hope and Bing Crosby.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51AMERICAN ACCENT: Well, what do you say to that, Bing?
0:16:51 > 0:16:54- AMERICAN ACCENT: - # Give us a couple of drinks
0:16:54 > 0:16:56# Ba-ba-ba-bawbag! #
0:16:56 > 0:16:57Two pints, prick!
0:16:57 > 0:16:59What did you say to me?
0:16:59 > 0:17:00Two pints.
0:17:00 > 0:17:01After that?
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Prick.
0:17:04 > 0:17:05I'm a prick?
0:17:05 > 0:17:07You come in here, all puffed up,
0:17:07 > 0:17:10and you call me a male appendage?
0:17:10 > 0:17:14A sexual organ? A dirty, filthy, stinking, unwashed phallus?
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Hold on, Navid, this isnae how it works.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19- You're not meant... - No, we normally we come here...
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Yes, you come in and humiliate the man
0:17:21 > 0:17:23in the foulest sense, in front of the community?
0:17:23 > 0:17:26Not on my watch, you cheeky wankers!
0:17:27 > 0:17:29- Oh, well, sorry.- Sorry.
0:17:29 > 0:17:30What do you want?
0:17:30 > 0:17:36Two pints of lager and a bag of salt and vinegar crisps, please, Navid.
0:17:36 > 0:17:40Salt and vinegar... salt and vinegar...salt and vinegar.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Isa, jump down to the cellar,
0:17:42 > 0:17:45get a box of salt and vinegar crisps, will you?
0:17:45 > 0:17:47I don't work for you in here, Navid.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49I work for you in the shop.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54A large whisky, please, Navid.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Am I having a stroke?
0:17:58 > 0:18:00What's he...
0:18:00 > 0:18:01Don't ask.
0:18:03 > 0:18:04There you go.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06What's that?
0:18:06 > 0:18:08That's a whisky.
0:18:08 > 0:18:09No, I asked for a large whisky.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Aye. But that'll do.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Look, there's no' even enough in there to clean my specs!
0:18:16 > 0:18:19- Get another one in there. - No.- What?
0:18:19 > 0:18:22I have known you for many years and you only have two moods,
0:18:22 > 0:18:24despondency or rage.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26I believe the reason for this is
0:18:26 > 0:18:28that you are constantly nursing a hangover.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30And that's why I want a large whisky,
0:18:30 > 0:18:32because I've got a hangover.
0:18:32 > 0:18:36- I'm trying to save you from the endless roundabout of misery.- OK.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41I'll be the first to admit that I do drink a wee bit too much
0:18:41 > 0:18:43and I suppose I am on a bit of a roundabo...
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Look, just get me a large whisky in there,
0:18:46 > 0:18:49right now, before I say something I regret!
0:18:49 > 0:18:50Say it.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56I want Boabby back.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Where's my crisps?
0:19:01 > 0:19:02Isa!
0:19:02 > 0:19:05It's my day off, Navid! I'm getting pished!
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Not on his shift, you're not!
0:19:10 > 0:19:14Meena, if you want to be with Navid over at the Clansman,
0:19:14 > 0:19:15feel free.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19It's stone dead in here.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22TRANSLATION:
0:19:22 > 0:19:26Just take the afternoon.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29I've got this.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31SHE LAUGHS
0:19:38 > 0:19:40BUZZER
0:19:43 > 0:19:45THEY ROAR
0:19:45 > 0:19:47HE SCREAMS
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Here, what are you doing?
0:19:54 > 0:19:57I'm Doctor Who. We're going back in time.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00HE SINGS
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Winston, keep an eye there.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05Tell me when Davros is coming out from the back shop.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Psst.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Bit of service here, please, Navid.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Certainly, Tam. What can I get you?
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Uh...a cheese toastie,
0:20:18 > 0:20:20a Cointreau and a packet of Scampi Fries, please.
0:20:22 > 0:20:26Toastie, Cointreau, Scampi Fries. 28 pence, please.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36It'll be a couple of minutes for your toastie.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39Oh, I don't mind waiting, Navid. I like my cheese well melted.
0:20:39 > 0:20:43Sometimes, you know, I think my brain has melted.
0:20:43 > 0:20:47I mean, what was I thinking, coming round here to run a pub?
0:20:47 > 0:20:50I don't know the cost of anything in a licensed public house.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53I'm just a daft Muslim who runs a corner shop.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55BELL RINGS
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Oh, there's your toastie.
0:21:01 > 0:21:0328 pence, please.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08- There you go.- Thank you.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11Oh, I nearly forgot! What do you want in your Cointreau?
0:21:11 > 0:21:13Just a wee dash of lemonade, please.
0:21:13 > 0:21:17So that's 28 pence for the drink, the snack and the toastie
0:21:17 > 0:21:19and...
0:21:24 > 0:21:27..and £4.12 for the dash.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Do you think my head buttons up the back? Chancer!
0:21:41 > 0:21:42Jack! Victor!
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Fergie?
0:21:49 > 0:21:51- Terrible, innit?- Oh...
0:21:51 > 0:21:55Him sitting there, only a year married, and look at him.
0:21:55 > 0:21:56Poor Sinead.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59I thought that boy had his head screwed on.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02I don't know where he got such an idea.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Sweet sherry, Navid.
0:22:04 > 0:22:05(Fergie!)
0:22:09 > 0:22:12How yous doing? Are yous good? Aye?
0:22:12 > 0:22:14- "How yous doing"?! What are YOU doing?- Eh?
0:22:14 > 0:22:16I'm just doing what you told me to do.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19- What did we tell you to do? - Seize the day!
0:22:19 > 0:22:20I never said that!
0:22:20 > 0:22:22- What did I say?- Carpe diem.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24That's right. Seize the day!
0:22:24 > 0:22:26No, that's no' what it means.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28It means do the right thing, toe the line, behave yourself.
0:22:28 > 0:22:32Winston, what's your understanding of the term "carpe diem"?
0:22:32 > 0:22:36Seize the day. Act immediately. Now is the moment.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38It means get her knickers off!
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Scantium pull-doonium!
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Panties removis!
0:22:42 > 0:22:44THEY GROAN
0:22:44 > 0:22:45Navid, two lager, please.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48- What did you do with the two that I gave you?- We drank them!
0:22:48 > 0:22:50And you're wanting another two already?
0:22:50 > 0:22:53Give it another half hour, I'll consider it.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Stick another goldie in there, Navid.
0:22:55 > 0:22:59Not for another 12 minutes, you red-faced inebriate bastard.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Fergie, listen to me. You're a married man.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07Calm down. I'm just sitting with the lassie, having a juice.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09It's all very innocent.
0:23:09 > 0:23:14Fergie, I thought it'd be nice to ask my parents to join us.
0:23:14 > 0:23:19Mum, Dad, this is Fergie, my new boyfriend.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21HE GASPS
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Fergie, you filthy wee pig.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Sinead!
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Carpe dum-dums.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37'Mugged by a couple of kids.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39'How embarrassing.
0:23:40 > 0:23:41'Still...
0:23:41 > 0:23:43'nobody seen it.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45'Nobody needs to know.'
0:23:59 > 0:24:01BUZZER
0:24:02 > 0:24:04HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:24:04 > 0:24:05Hi, Meena.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07TRANSLATION:
0:24:12 > 0:24:15Well? It's a simple question.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17What was the question again?
0:24:19 > 0:24:23I asked you who that lassie was that came in when I kissed you.
0:24:25 > 0:24:29Well, that lassie that came in there...
0:24:29 > 0:24:30then marched out...
0:24:32 > 0:24:33Who was that?
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Jack?
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Eh, Victor?
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Winston?
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Tam?
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Eric?
0:24:44 > 0:24:45Navid?
0:24:45 > 0:24:48The lassie is Sinead, Fergie's wife.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50The wee creep's married.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55- You snake!- Right, you, you wee shit!
0:24:55 > 0:24:59It's no' KFC you're getting the night. It's GBH.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02RAISED VOICES
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Quiet, please.
0:25:06 > 0:25:07Can you be quiet?
0:25:07 > 0:25:10THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER
0:25:10 > 0:25:11Be quiet!
0:25:11 > 0:25:15Thank you. Right, Isa, will you tell us what you saw?
0:25:15 > 0:25:19Aye. Well, there's things I saw but I heard much more.
0:25:19 > 0:25:23Mary Shaw, that works in the laundromat... Yous know Mary?
0:25:23 > 0:25:25She's just left her man
0:25:25 > 0:25:28cos he was stealing knickers off washing lines...
0:25:28 > 0:25:30Yes, I know!
0:25:30 > 0:25:33Anyhow, she said that Fergie and Kayleigh
0:25:33 > 0:25:36have been getting right pally these last few days.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39I heard that an' all. I knew you two would be in here.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42- I've no' done anything! - Shut up! You'll get your say.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Thanks very much, Isa. Now be quiet.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46What do you think she means by "pally"?
0:25:46 > 0:25:49Pally? I'll tell you what she means by "pally".
0:25:49 > 0:25:51You doing the dirty with my man!
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Oh, well, maybe if you'd paid attention to him
0:25:53 > 0:25:56- he widnae be sniffing round me! - What?!
0:25:56 > 0:25:58THEY ALL SHOUT
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Shut up!
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Every one of you!
0:26:05 > 0:26:09Two minutes I'm down there changing a barrel, and I come up to what?
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Arma-bastard-geddon!
0:26:11 > 0:26:15You've got 30 seconds to take this low-order, scum-sucking,
0:26:15 > 0:26:20gutter-sniping, red-neck, Jeremy Kyle behaviour out of my pub!
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Right, you heard the man. Come on.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30Listen, Sinead. I didnae have any idea he was married.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34- Really?- Really. But the main thing is, nothing happened.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Nothing at all.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46I'm sorry. I just wanted to see what was out there.
0:26:46 > 0:26:51Fergie, maybe we did get married too young.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Go and see what's out there.
0:26:57 > 0:26:58Pint of lager, please.
0:26:58 > 0:27:02Aye, we'll take two lager and, uh, Isa'll have a sherry.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04No! I'm no' selling any more alcohol.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06What's your problem?
0:27:06 > 0:27:09- You stand in that shop of yours and you serve booze all day!- Aye.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12But you go back to your rats' nests and consume it.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14But in here, I have to witness it.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17It is like Sodom and Gomorrah...
0:27:17 > 0:27:18with crisps.
0:27:22 > 0:27:23You win.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25I want my pub back.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27NAVID CHUCKLES
0:27:27 > 0:27:29Oh, this is a great day.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31You want your pub back
0:27:31 > 0:27:35because my wee cushy number isnae cushy at all, right?
0:27:36 > 0:27:37Right.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39Say it.
0:27:39 > 0:27:40Say what?
0:27:40 > 0:27:43"Navid, your shop is no' cushy."
0:27:46 > 0:27:48Your shop is no' cushy.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51Yes! I win! Champion!
0:27:51 > 0:27:53Damn right it's not cushy!
0:27:53 > 0:27:57But this pub? This pub is crazy cushy!
0:27:57 > 0:27:59Piece of piss!
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Boabby, kiss my ar...
0:28:01 > 0:28:05THUMPS AND GROANS
0:28:06 > 0:28:09Bastarding pub.
0:28:38 > 0:28:40He's got a lovely arse.
0:28:40 > 0:28:42I deserved that.
0:28:42 > 0:28:44Oh, love's young dream!
0:28:44 > 0:28:45Hey, lads.
0:28:45 > 0:28:48Yous two patched things up, aye?
0:28:48 > 0:28:51Aye, after an appropriate amount of grovelling. Six days.
0:28:51 > 0:28:53Aye, and two weeks in Santa Ponsa.
0:28:53 > 0:28:56Oh, that's excellent. Oh, it's good you've sorted it out, eh?
0:28:56 > 0:28:57Que sera, sera.
0:28:57 > 0:29:00- What does that mean? - Och, it's Latin phrase. It means...
0:29:00 > 0:29:02Shut up, Jack.