0:00:33 > 0:00:36Come on. One of yous.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Two weeks, eh? Three, tops.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41- For the last time, Winston, no! - Come on!
0:00:41 > 0:00:44The place the council are putting me in is a toilet.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47I told them. I said, "I'm no' bothered about asbestos.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49"I used to have it in my pieces when I worked in the shipyards,"
0:00:49 > 0:00:51but the council are like that, "Naw, oot!"
0:00:51 > 0:00:55Too old for a flatmate, Winston. It's a non starter.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57I could tolerate you for...an hour.
0:00:57 > 0:00:58Oh, thanks.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Victor's right, Winston.
0:01:00 > 0:01:01Let me paint you a picture.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Me in my jammies eating a nice bowl of cornflakes.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Yum-yum, munchy-munchy.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09You - "Oh, I'm just going to slip this leg off.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11"Let the air get round about my stinking stump."
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Me - "Bleurgh!"
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Cornflakes doon the nose and up the wall.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17It's a bad picture.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19And it's a picture we are not about to paint.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22Right! Who wants a drink?
0:01:22 > 0:01:24- Are you buying, like?- No.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27Then why are you asking, does anybody want a drink, then?
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Because this is a bar...
0:01:30 > 0:01:32..no' a care home.
0:01:32 > 0:01:33That's a pity, Boabby,
0:01:33 > 0:01:36because I was toying with the idea of shiting myself
0:01:36 > 0:01:37and getting you to wipe my arsehole.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Like a big, daft nurse!
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Are yous wanting a drink, or whit?
0:01:41 > 0:01:44If we want a drink, we'll pull the cord.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Ting-ting!
0:01:46 > 0:01:48- Nurse!- Oh, and could you
0:01:48 > 0:01:50pour the drink into my mouth for me,
0:01:50 > 0:01:53because I'm too feeble to lift the tumbler.
0:01:53 > 0:01:54Haud on, Nurse, I'm needing a pish!
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Oh, forget it. It's too late.
0:01:57 > 0:02:01Ordinarily, I might have sniggered at that patter,
0:02:01 > 0:02:03but then I look at my till.
0:02:03 > 0:02:0716 lousy quid, and I've been in here since the crack of dawn.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10It doesn't even cover the leccy on that puggie.
0:02:10 > 0:02:11BEEPING
0:02:11 > 0:02:13ALL LAUGH
0:02:13 > 0:02:14COINS JANGLE
0:02:14 > 0:02:1616 quid, tae! It's almost poetic.
0:02:16 > 0:02:20Even the puggie gods are taking the piss out of you, Boabby.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29- Hello, Navid.- Oh! Isa.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Is that you back frae the cash-and-carry?
0:02:33 > 0:02:34It is, aye.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Do you want a hand emptying the van?
0:02:37 > 0:02:39- No, thank you.- No.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42No, course you don't, eh?
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Something in there you don't want me to see?
0:02:44 > 0:02:47- No.- Open it up, then.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49It's open. Have a look yourself.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51SHE CHUCKLES
0:02:51 > 0:02:53HE SIGHS
0:02:54 > 0:02:55DOOR CLOSES
0:02:57 > 0:02:59It's just full of sweeties, tea bags and bog rolls.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Aye. I think I know what this is about.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05- How do you mean?- It's about your birthday on Saturday, isn't it?
0:03:05 > 0:03:06Maybe.
0:03:06 > 0:03:0872.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10It's no biggie.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12- Do you know what I got for my 72th?- What?
0:03:12 > 0:03:14"Hee" wrapped in "haw."
0:03:16 > 0:03:18But now you're wanting to find out if I'm throwing you
0:03:18 > 0:03:20- a surprise party.- Naw.
0:03:21 > 0:03:22Naw!
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Aye! Are you?
0:03:27 > 0:03:28No.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Isa, when was the last time you had a surprise party?
0:03:33 > 0:03:34Eh...
0:03:34 > 0:03:36I've never had one.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Because you are impossible to surprise
0:03:38 > 0:03:41on account of your nosy-bastard-ness.
0:03:41 > 0:03:45Anybody who has ever tried has failed.
0:03:45 > 0:03:49You are chemically intolerant to surprise.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53You see, a surprise party brings pleasure
0:03:53 > 0:03:56to both the giver and the receiver.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58But you cannae have that.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00You have to know what is going on.
0:04:01 > 0:04:02It's a tragedy...
0:04:02 > 0:04:03..of Greek proportions.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Naw. Haud on noo.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11I did have a surprise party.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13My 65th.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15You organised it!
0:04:16 > 0:04:17DOOR CLOSES
0:04:17 > 0:04:18KEYS CLATTER
0:04:19 > 0:04:21- ALL:- Surprise!
0:04:21 > 0:04:24My, what a lovely surprise.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Where's my drink?
0:04:27 > 0:04:28POPPER BANGS
0:04:28 > 0:04:31I cannae help myself.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33I weep for you, Isa.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36To live one's life without surprise...
0:04:43 > 0:04:46Maserati Quattroporte.
0:04:46 > 0:04:483-litre, twin turbo, V6.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51Approaching from Kinellar Drive. Yeah.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58CAR ENGINE ROARS
0:04:58 > 0:04:59CAR DRAWS UP OUTSIDE
0:05:03 > 0:05:04CAR DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES
0:05:04 > 0:05:06THEY CHUCKLE
0:05:06 > 0:05:07Oh, Derek Fry.
0:05:07 > 0:05:08- You know him, like?- Aye.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Wanker.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Went to school wi' him.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Was it a school specifically for wankers?
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Wanker High?!
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Oh, he's coming in, Boabby.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Aye, nae doubt.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24Every time he gets a new motor, he's just "passing by."
0:05:25 > 0:05:29Hello, Derek. Just passing, were you?
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Indeed, Roberto, my man. Just picking up my new wheels.
0:05:32 > 0:05:36- Hmm. Still got that place in the town?- Aye.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Big Fry'n'Macs. Hand over fist, Boabby. Mental.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43I see you're still in the funeral business.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45HE LAUGHS
0:05:45 > 0:05:47That's a good one, Derek.
0:05:47 > 0:05:48Aye.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51This place is actually doing no' bad.
0:05:51 > 0:05:55Boabby, I've been a wee bit unwell in my troosers.
0:05:55 > 0:05:59You might want to take a damp cloth to that stool, an' all.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01BLARING RINGTONE
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Hello? I'm in Craiglang. Just popped in to see an old pal.
0:06:07 > 0:06:08Hey?
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Aye, it's like a graveyard.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13The walking dead, aye.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16I'll sort that out on the way back to the shop.
0:06:16 > 0:06:17Just order another 200.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22Got to dash, Boabby. I'll see you soon.
0:06:27 > 0:06:28Who was that walloper?
0:06:28 > 0:06:31- Oh, he's a smart walloper. - Huh! A smart walloper.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Wee walloper wi' a shirt and tie on.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Round his wee neck, wee blazer on it.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37"Look at me, I'm a smart wee walloper."
0:06:37 > 0:06:40What's so smart about him?
0:06:40 > 0:06:42He's got the Midas touch.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44Bought this manky old boozer in Finnieston, turned it round.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Now he charges eight-and-a-hauf quid a burger,
0:06:47 > 0:06:50and all the West End wankers are queuing up to pay it.
0:06:50 > 0:06:54"Hoo-hoo! There's gold in them there West End wankers!"
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Eight-and-a-half quid for a burger?
0:06:57 > 0:06:58THEY LAUGH
0:07:02 > 0:07:04ENGINE RUNNING
0:07:04 > 0:07:05Derek! Mate!
0:07:06 > 0:07:11Could I hook up with you tomorrow and pick your brains?
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Ah! Eric. Just the very fella.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22- Naw!- Oh, come on!
0:07:22 > 0:07:24- You wouldn't see an old pal homeless.- I would, aye.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27You've seen my flat. There's no' enough room to swing a cat...
0:07:27 > 0:07:31..which you did one night pished. Wee mitten still isnae right.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Their tongues aren't meant to stick out like that all the time.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Aye. Sorry.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38So, there's nae room at the inn, then?
0:07:38 > 0:07:42That's right, Joseph. You'll need to find a stable somewhere else.
0:07:43 > 0:07:44Just this, Navid.
0:07:44 > 0:07:49Oh! "Happy birthday". Who could that be for?
0:07:49 > 0:07:51You! I tell you what. Do you know what to do?
0:07:51 > 0:07:53You take that card and you fill it out yourself.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56Put something nice in it, mind, cos I'm fresh out of nice.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Oh, naw. Naw, wait and gie it to us on Saturday.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01What's happening on Saturday?
0:08:01 > 0:08:04Eh...what is happening on Saturday, eh?
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Hee-hee!
0:08:06 > 0:08:08# It's a wee mystery! #
0:08:08 > 0:08:10I'll be pullin' ma plug to the women's tennis on Saturday.
0:08:10 > 0:08:14You're more than welcome to join me, if you like.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Hey! I tried to throw you a party.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Right, as soon as she comes through that door,
0:08:21 > 0:08:23everybody, "Happy birthday, Isa."
0:08:23 > 0:08:26- Aye, happy birthday, Isa. - Happy birthday, Isa.
0:08:26 > 0:08:27Happy birthday, Isa.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30- ISA:- Happy birthday, Isa. Hee-hee-hee!
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Isa, you bastard. Put that light up.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35ALL MURMUR
0:08:45 > 0:08:46What's happened to you?
0:08:46 > 0:08:48State of the place.
0:08:48 > 0:08:49It's all changed.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51All changed to buggery.
0:08:51 > 0:08:554.50. That's no' a pint.
0:08:55 > 0:08:56That's for a bottle or a wee, daft hauf.
0:08:56 > 0:09:00Tablecloths, and people I don't know!
0:09:00 > 0:09:03The food? The food?
0:09:03 > 0:09:05West End garbage.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Roasted pine nuts.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09A thing they call rocket.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Couscous, by Christ!
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Stop. Breathe. You're OK.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Oot the road.
0:09:16 > 0:09:17Don't go in there.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19It's mad.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21I mean, what even is pulled pork?
0:09:21 > 0:09:23It sounds like a porno movie.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26What's wrong with a slice o' gammon?
0:09:26 > 0:09:27Nothing.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30That's what's wrong with it.
0:09:30 > 0:09:31Nothing!
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Oh, look who it is.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43And here we go.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Jack and Victor.
0:09:45 > 0:09:46What can I get yous?
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Nae burn?
0:09:48 > 0:09:51Are yous here to pay your final respects to the Clansman?
0:09:51 > 0:09:52You're too late.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54GENTLE CONVERSATION
0:09:57 > 0:09:58Two pints of lager, Boabby, please.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01No, we don't do pints any more.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Only bottles. A fine selection.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07There's a couple of menus. The specials are on the board.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10That's Thai lemon grass soup, aubergine frittata
0:10:10 > 0:10:13and roast duck and pilau rice.
0:10:13 > 0:10:14- BOTH:- What?!
0:10:14 > 0:10:16- Nae pies?- We dae a pie, aye.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19It's Edam and asparagus with rosemary.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22See that frottata...
0:10:22 > 0:10:23..and your aubergine...
0:10:23 > 0:10:25..and the soup with the grass in it,
0:10:25 > 0:10:28tell Rosemary to stick it right up her arse.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Rosemary's no' the cook.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34It's a herb.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37Well, maybe you never herb us. Two pints!
0:10:37 > 0:10:39I've already telt you.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41We don't do pints any more.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44We do bottles of beer and nice food.
0:10:44 > 0:10:48We are trying to attract a better class of clientele.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51And yous aren't it.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53So we've to stand here like a couple of hairdressers,
0:10:53 > 0:10:56drinking bottled beer and eating manky pies?
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Right, sling your hook.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02- To where?- I don't know.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04- Park Mill.- Aye.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07Decades of patronage, huh, and this is what we get!
0:11:07 > 0:11:10- Swept oot the door! - Highland Clearances.
0:11:10 > 0:11:11Turfed oot!
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Come on, boys, it was long overdue.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Don't be like that.
0:11:16 > 0:11:17Take a couple of bottles of beer.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Nae hard feelings, huh?
0:11:22 > 0:11:23Fine.
0:11:23 > 0:11:24Nine quid.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26- BOTH:- What?!
0:11:26 > 0:11:27Nine quid?
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Nine quid, you robbing bastard.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Do you get your hole included in the price, as well?
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Right, oot!
0:11:36 > 0:11:38You should be wearing a mask and a stripy jersey,
0:11:38 > 0:11:40you arsehole highwayman!
0:11:40 > 0:11:41Sorry.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Ah, hello, Peggy. Flump?
0:11:46 > 0:11:47Who are you calling a flump?
0:11:47 > 0:11:51- No, I'm saying, "Do you want a flump?"- Oh. Aye.
0:11:54 > 0:11:55They're horrible.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58No' very flumpy, are they?
0:11:58 > 0:11:59Aye, well, they wouldn't be.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02Three years they've been sitting there with the lid off them.
0:12:02 > 0:12:03I'm trying to free up the space.
0:12:03 > 0:12:07This is prime sweetie real estate. See this area here?
0:12:07 > 0:12:09In sweetie land, this is Mayfair.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11So, help us out, take them all.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13No, you're all right.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Listen, you've no' got such a thing as party hats, have you?
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Party hats? Par... Aye, I do!
0:12:21 > 0:12:23So, who's having a party?
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Just a kids' party at the community centre.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Boabby's lost the plot.
0:12:35 > 0:12:36End of days.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Bar-mageddon.
0:12:40 > 0:12:44Winston, I heard about you have to be out your flat.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46- Hmm.- I just wanted you to know
0:12:46 > 0:12:48there's always a place for you at mine.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51Really? Are you serious?
0:12:51 > 0:12:5335 quid a night.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56For that, you get your breakfast. Uncooked. Frosties, or some such.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00And, for a supplementary three quid, you'll get an electric blanket.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02As long as you pay part of the electric bill.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Away you go, you rat bastard.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08So, it's came to this, eh?
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Well, beggars cannae be choosers.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Listen, I'm not advocating a return to the Clansman.
0:13:14 > 0:13:15That ship has sailed.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Are you sure about this place?
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Look, we're four seasoned men.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22We've seen our fair share of the rough stuff.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24How bad can it be, eh?
0:13:41 > 0:13:43We could always go in for one!
0:13:45 > 0:13:47DRILLING
0:14:10 > 0:14:13CHUCKLES Shug, you are the man!
0:14:13 > 0:14:15- You've done me a right turn here. - Aye.
0:14:15 > 0:14:1920 years in the special services. Never leaves you.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22SWITCH CLICKS
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Och!
0:14:24 > 0:14:26- Nae power. - Nae worries. I'll fix that.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29And I'll get a wee heater for you, and all.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32Eh? Magic!
0:14:32 > 0:14:33None of that!
0:14:33 > 0:14:36- Are you wanting busted?- Eh?
0:14:36 > 0:14:39- Oh, aye! Aye.- Soft feet from now on.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Right.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Well, soft foot, anyway.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50- This is very kind of you, Isa. - You're more than welcome, boys.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Feels like we're homeless, you know?
0:14:52 > 0:14:55- Turfed oot our own pub. - Ach, well.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57You're always welcome here. More peas?
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Oh, aye. Aye. Lovely.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01There you are, Victor.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04You know me, I always make more than I need.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07Here, I was watching a film the other night,
0:15:07 > 0:15:10Medieval. Oh, smashing.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13The Queen was waiting for news,
0:15:13 > 0:15:15and the knight turned up on his horse and told her
0:15:15 > 0:15:17everything she needed to know.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19About what?
0:15:19 > 0:15:20Peggy McAlpine!
0:15:20 > 0:15:25So the knight in this medieval film was telling the Queen
0:15:25 > 0:15:27about Peggy McAlpine?
0:15:27 > 0:15:28Naw!
0:15:28 > 0:15:31I need to know about Peggy McAlpine.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34She was in Navid's buying party hats and the like.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Is this about your birthday?
0:15:37 > 0:15:41- Uh-huh.- And whether or not anybody's going to throw you a surprise?
0:15:41 > 0:15:42Yes, indeed.
0:15:45 > 0:15:46Let me say this right now, Isa.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49As good as that steak pie was, it's no' happening.
0:15:49 > 0:15:53We've all tried before and we've all been found out.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56You'll remember when Eric was tasked with this,
0:15:56 > 0:15:59and you held his head underneath the boating pond until he coughed up
0:15:59 > 0:16:03the truth, and four baggy minnies, and also a used johnny bag.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Of course I mind it.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07I went a wee bit over the top there, I'll grant you.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09It's not worth it to anybody.
0:16:11 > 0:16:15You know I don't dae surprises.
0:16:22 > 0:16:26So I'm gonnae ask yous... one more time...
0:16:29 > 0:16:31What's with the Stasi pish?
0:16:34 > 0:16:36This is a bridge too far.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38You've broken and entered into Boabby's flat.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40This isnae Boabby's flat.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Naebody's lived in this flat for about 30 year.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47I see the last tenant was a bird.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Stick a couple of totties and an onion round that,
0:16:50 > 0:16:52- you'd be sorted.- Shut up.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55A couple of days. He's none the wiser.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Then I'll be back in my ain hoose.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01Look at us, the lost boys with nowhere to go.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03I'm just glad to be away frae Isa's.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05That's what it must have been like in Guantanamo.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08That slap she gave me would have made Marvin Hagler weep.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10KNOCKING ON WINDOW
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Hey-ho.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26- What's the caper here? - What's the matter with your face?
0:17:26 > 0:17:29Eh? Oh, we were just over at Isa's for some steak pie and a beating.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Hey?
0:17:31 > 0:17:34She's convinced that one of us is throwing her a surprise party
0:17:34 > 0:17:36and she's on the warpath to find out about it.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Either of you organised something?
0:17:38 > 0:17:41- BOTH: No!- Good. Well, stay out her road, then.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Right, who's wanting a beer?
0:17:43 > 0:17:44Aye.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48- You all right, team?- Shug!
0:17:48 > 0:17:50I bring fire.
0:17:54 > 0:17:58Have you ever noticed that a tin of beer is the ugly sister
0:17:58 > 0:18:00to the pub-poured pint?
0:18:00 > 0:18:03- Hmm. Or the optic-dispensed dram. - Correct.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06But my question is, why is that?
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Oh, I can tell you why that is, aye.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11See, the pub is the hub. I go in, and they're like,
0:18:11 > 0:18:14"Hey, there, Jack. You're looking good, baby."
0:18:14 > 0:18:17And I'm like, "Well, thanks," you know? You've got to make an effort.
0:18:17 > 0:18:18"Hi, Des. How are you doing, Tony?"
0:18:18 > 0:18:22- Who the hell's Des and Tony?- Well, you'll need to roll with me on that.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24What I'm saying is, the pub,
0:18:24 > 0:18:26it's where it's at, man, you know what I mean?
0:18:26 > 0:18:29It's like that comedy programme, Cheers -
0:18:29 > 0:18:31the place where everybody knows your name...
0:18:31 > 0:18:33..is Jack.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37It's great to walk in and see all the old familiar faces.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Aye, and tap one of them for a 20.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44Aye, you cannae beat a pint out the pub.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Boabby stitched us up.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49He's took our only pleasure off us.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51Ssh! Ssh!
0:18:55 > 0:18:56The shutter is down.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Boabby has left the building.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Shug, let Operation Eskimo commence.
0:19:12 > 0:19:13DRILLING
0:19:21 > 0:19:23There, look.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Come on, Shug.
0:19:36 > 0:19:37- That you got a bite?- Aye.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41And it's a whopper, Jack!
0:19:43 > 0:19:45There it is, there it is!
0:19:45 > 0:19:46THEY CHEER
0:19:46 > 0:19:48You beauty!
0:19:48 > 0:19:49LAUGHTER
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Isa?
0:19:55 > 0:19:56Yes, Navid?
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Happy birthday.
0:19:58 > 0:19:59Aw.
0:19:59 > 0:20:00TRANSLATION:
0:20:00 > 0:20:03You ate all the good ones, you greedy bastard!
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Here, why don't you keep that and gie me it tonight?
0:20:05 > 0:20:08- Tonight?- Aye. At the party!
0:20:08 > 0:20:11- Still with this? - Get off that track, Isa.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13There is a disappointment train coming head-on
0:20:13 > 0:20:16in the opposite direction and it's no' slowing down.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Aye, well, very convincing performance, Navid.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22You should be an actor on the telly.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26Oh, there's Peggy McAlpine there.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Oh, and she's got a cake box. Oh, my.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32Look at you, Isa. Now you're sweating.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34I'm sweating cos I'm mopping.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40What's Peggy McAlpine up tae?
0:20:40 > 0:20:44I'm no' bothering what Peggy McAlpine's up tae.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46See, it is you who's the great actor.
0:20:46 > 0:20:50Right now, your mind is racing like Red Rum,
0:20:50 > 0:20:52sweat running down the crack of your arse.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55SHE TUTS, HE CHUCKLES
0:20:57 > 0:21:01SCARY VOICE: What is the name on the cake?
0:21:03 > 0:21:05DOOR BUZZER
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Alec. Bernie.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Have yous been at this all night?
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Aye. With a couple of hours' sleep.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22Ew! Is that your scants there?
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Aye. I only brought the one pair.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28I took them through and rinsed them in the sink.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Oh, what the hell's this?
0:21:30 > 0:21:33This is a second hole.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Oh, come on, you've no' dug a second hole?
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Well, you know what it's like once you've fished a few halves -
0:21:38 > 0:21:40you get...peckish.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43Aye. A wee bit nibbly, you know?
0:21:43 > 0:21:48See, under this hole is where the crisps are.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52- Yous are taking a bloody liberty. - He's the one taking the liberty.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Years we've been putting money into that bastard's till.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Aye.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58And then bang, pfft, no longer welcome.
0:21:58 > 0:22:02Right, what flavour of crisps do you want?
0:22:05 > 0:22:07Where do you want the hats, Peggy?
0:22:07 > 0:22:10Just put one beside every plate, Sandra, darling.
0:22:10 > 0:22:11Right you are.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Oh, the cake!
0:22:15 > 0:22:17CLATTER
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Isa!
0:22:23 > 0:22:25You need help, hen.
0:22:25 > 0:22:26Do I?
0:22:26 > 0:22:27Nice cake box.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Thanks.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31- Can I see the cake?- Naw.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33- I need to see the cake. - No, you don't!
0:22:33 > 0:22:35I want to see that bastard cake!
0:22:35 > 0:22:38I telt yae, naw! You're sick.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42"Happy birthday...
0:22:44 > 0:22:46"..Andrew"?
0:22:47 > 0:22:49CHATTER
0:22:52 > 0:22:53DOOR CLOSES
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Hey, wake up!
0:23:03 > 0:23:04Wake up.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06He's about to go down the cellar.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08This is our perfect opportunity.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10Tam, take the line.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13Come on, Tam.
0:23:13 > 0:23:17No, wait a minute, wait a minute. Is this no' a bit risky here?
0:23:17 > 0:23:18- SLURRED:- Fishing's a sport.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21It's too easy to dae it when the shop's shut.
0:23:21 > 0:23:25Here, but imagine getting a catch when the gamekeeper's there, eh?
0:23:25 > 0:23:29- This... This is what Hemingway would do.- Hemingway.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Big game fishing.
0:23:32 > 0:23:36- Big game fishing! - Right, that's him down the cellar.
0:23:36 > 0:23:37Right, come to Papa.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Tequila all right, aye?
0:23:39 > 0:23:42No' tequila. Tequila makes you dae daft things.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44That's fair enough.
0:23:44 > 0:23:45Bacardi it is, then.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Ssh-ssh-ssh.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52- Ssh-ssh...- There you go. There you go.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54- Come on, sweetheart.- Come on.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58That's him.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07- Come on, come on.- Easy. Easy.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10- Shut up, shut up.- He's got it!
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Hey!
0:24:13 > 0:24:18Right, get us one of them expensive cheesy-burgers that he does as well.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21Get us a plate of them curly fries an' all.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23- For a fiver!- Five quid!
0:24:23 > 0:24:25LAUGHTER
0:24:25 > 0:24:27ISA SIGHS
0:24:27 > 0:24:29I feel like such an idiot.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Och, don't beat yourself up.
0:24:31 > 0:24:35Och, I know, but wee Andrew's face when he saw his destroyed cake.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38Och, he'll survive. He's a spoilt wee bastard.
0:24:40 > 0:24:41So what are you up to the night?
0:24:41 > 0:24:44Well, Navid got me a box of chocolates.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46I'll probably just go up the road,
0:24:46 > 0:24:50watch some celebrity pish and wire into the lot.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Come on, Isa. I'll treat you to a wee sherry.
0:24:53 > 0:24:54Oh? Aye.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56HE SNORES
0:25:01 > 0:25:02Here.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07You know Boabby's got a bottle of malt down there?
0:25:07 > 0:25:09It's his pride and joy.
0:25:09 > 0:25:10- Aye, the McCrennan.- McCrennan.
0:25:10 > 0:25:1225 years old.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Mm-hm.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Unopened.
0:25:16 > 0:25:20It was presented to him by the brewery at some fancy do.
0:25:20 > 0:25:21Aye.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23I've said to him tons of times, I've said,
0:25:23 > 0:25:26"Boabby, when are you going to open that thing?"
0:25:26 > 0:25:27You know what he says to me?
0:25:27 > 0:25:31He says to me, "I'm saving it for a special occasion...
0:25:31 > 0:25:33"..like the night you die."
0:25:33 > 0:25:34THEY GROAN
0:25:34 > 0:25:36He's always at that patter.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Here, I know.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42Why don't we get that amber nectar fished out of that hole?
0:25:42 > 0:25:44And then we'll get it scuttled, eh?
0:25:44 > 0:25:46LAUGHTER
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Back we go.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55- Down we go.- Watch he doesnae see. Ssh, quiet.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Be quiet. Boabby's there.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Oh, we've got it!
0:26:05 > 0:26:07- CHEERING - Oh!
0:26:08 > 0:26:11ALL TALK AT ONCE
0:26:26 > 0:26:28BOTTLE CLUNKS, BOABBY GROANS
0:26:32 > 0:26:34What's going on, boys?
0:26:34 > 0:26:35We think we've killed Boabby.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Eh?
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Oh, my!
0:26:39 > 0:26:40Boabby!
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Boabby, son!
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Isa...
0:26:45 > 0:26:47You're early.
0:26:47 > 0:26:48Happy birthday.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51SURPRISED CHEERING AND LAUGHTER
0:26:51 > 0:26:55Boabby, well done, son. How did you manage all this?
0:26:55 > 0:26:57I was sorry about the covert operation,
0:26:57 > 0:26:59but I had to keep yous in the dark, boys,
0:26:59 > 0:27:02otherwise Isa would have got it out you.
0:27:02 > 0:27:06So, what happened to the fancy-pants pub and the bottles of beer
0:27:06 > 0:27:08and all the razzamatazz?
0:27:08 > 0:27:10That was all bullshit.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13I'd to keep yous lot oot here for a couple of days to set up.
0:27:13 > 0:27:17Oh, Boabby, the bother you've went tae.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19I hadn't the first idea.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21Surprised?
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Aye.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26Ooh, you got me a belter!
0:27:26 > 0:27:29CHEERING
0:27:29 > 0:27:32# Happy birthday to you
0:27:32 > 0:27:35# Happy birthday to you
0:27:35 > 0:27:39# Happy birthday, dear Isa
0:27:39 > 0:27:45# Happy birthday to you! #
0:27:49 > 0:27:50HE GROANS AND SIGHS
0:27:52 > 0:27:55Right, scants.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59- That looks delicious, that.- Oh, will you look at this spread here!
0:27:59 > 0:28:03Pakora and prawns, sandwiches.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05- Argh! - THUD!
0:28:05 > 0:28:09And you've got wee chipolatas tae!
0:28:09 > 0:28:10Help!
0:28:10 > 0:28:12Help!
0:28:12 > 0:28:13Help...
0:28:41 > 0:28:44Everybody's talking about you, Boabby.
0:28:44 > 0:28:46You did the impossible.
0:28:46 > 0:28:49You expertly displayed your prodigiousness.
0:28:49 > 0:28:50Thanks.
0:28:50 > 0:28:52And all it cost you was a tooth.
0:28:52 > 0:28:57Aye, that and about ten bottles of spirits to the angling club.
0:28:57 > 0:28:59Fly bastards.
0:28:59 > 0:29:00Which dentist did you use?
0:29:01 > 0:29:03Same guy you went to.