0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language
0:00:33 > 0:00:35PHONE RINGS
0:00:37 > 0:00:38Iain Duncan Sheathing.
0:00:39 > 0:00:40Really?
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Thank you.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Craiglang.
0:00:46 > 0:00:47CLOCK CHIMES
0:00:47 > 0:00:48Finally.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Pickled onion - here we go.
0:00:55 > 0:00:56Oh...
0:00:56 > 0:00:59what's that wee noise you're making?
0:00:59 > 0:01:02"Pick me, Boabby! I'm Smoky Bacon!"
0:01:04 > 0:01:05Here.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08That's auld McCleary the undertaker planted the day, eh?
0:01:08 > 0:01:09- ALL:- Oh, aye.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11JACK EXHALES
0:01:11 > 0:01:14- He buried a few.- Aye, aye.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Mind he buried Capper Flynn?
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Aye, the Scotland player.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20There was hundreds of people at that funeral.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22He made a wreath into the shape of a football.
0:01:22 > 0:01:23It was lovely, aye.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25- That's right. - VICTOR LAUGHS
0:01:25 > 0:01:27That wee boy blootered it against the graveyard wall.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29That's right! Cos when it burst,
0:01:29 > 0:01:31it was like a spring day.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Right, finish up, guys.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37- Aw, come on, Boabby. One mair round.- Naw.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40You've had your time. Do your talkin' while you're walkin'.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Or, in your case,
0:01:42 > 0:01:44do your mumbling while you're stumbling.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Boabby, when was the last time we had a lock-in, eh?
0:01:47 > 0:01:49About eight months ago.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Winston was full o' it and demanded a shot of tequila,
0:01:51 > 0:01:53then started doing the Macaroni.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55It's the Macarena.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57You spewed everywhere.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59It was definitely macaroni.
0:01:59 > 0:02:04Hadn't even chewed it all up, you greedy, fat bastard.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Come on, Boabby. Shut the door and set us up another one, eh?
0:02:07 > 0:02:09A man's passed.
0:02:09 > 0:02:10Right.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12One, then oot.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14THEY CHEER
0:02:16 > 0:02:17TRANSLATION:
0:02:21 > 0:02:22I'm with a customer!
0:02:23 > 0:02:25And what can I do for you?
0:02:25 > 0:02:26SHOP BUZZER
0:02:26 > 0:02:29That's a shame about auld Mr McCleary buried.
0:02:29 > 0:02:34It's a queer thing when an undertaker passes.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37To think he's buried thousands of people in his life
0:02:37 > 0:02:41and then dies alone, in a simple grave
0:02:41 > 0:02:43wi' nae fanfare.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45TRANSLATION:
0:02:47 > 0:02:48What's she saying?
0:02:48 > 0:02:50She's saying it's a terrible business.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Naw, she said something about Idi Amin.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56Naw, she said...the place is needing a clean.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Right.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Ach, well. He'll be missed.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Who misses an undertaker?
0:03:02 > 0:03:05I'll miss him! He did a terrific service.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08I fully expected him to live long enough to plant me.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10And noo he's away,
0:03:10 > 0:03:13who's gonnae deal with Craiglang's dead?
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Who indeed, Isa?
0:03:15 > 0:03:17No-one will be able to die.
0:03:17 > 0:03:21Craiglang will become a village of the walking dead.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26Ancient zombies creepin' aboot shouting,
0:03:26 > 0:03:28"Please bury me!"
0:03:28 > 0:03:31No change there, then.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34- Ach, Navid. - Oh, listen to yourself, Isa.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36You think when the baker dies, there's no bread?
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Or when the butcher dies, there's no chops?
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Or when...
0:03:40 > 0:03:44Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen dies, there's no decorating?
0:03:44 > 0:03:45The world keeps turning.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48TRANSLATION:
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Nearly got it. Give me a second.
0:03:55 > 0:03:56Harry Belafonte!
0:03:56 > 0:03:57BASTARD!
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Heid count.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Where's Winston?
0:04:03 > 0:04:05He's in the toilet having a Donald...
0:04:05 > 0:04:07- Duck?- ..Trump.- Oh.
0:04:11 > 0:04:12Right. Oot.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15- That's it.- Boabby, gies a minute.
0:04:15 > 0:04:16Harry Belafonte?
0:04:16 > 0:04:18I mean, I am the Word Wheel king, here.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21- You are the Wagon Wheel king, my friend.- Shut up!
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Right. Here's a good game.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Who is the most famous person you've ever met?
0:04:26 > 0:04:28- And they can be dead or alive.- Nice.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30OK, here's your wee starter.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Myself and this good man here met Charlton Heston
0:04:32 > 0:04:34in this very city. How about that?
0:04:34 > 0:04:36What was Charlton Heston doing in Glesga?
0:04:36 > 0:04:38He was doing a cookery demonstration.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40In John Lewis's.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Do yous no mean the baldy bastard chef Heston Blumenthal?
0:04:43 > 0:04:45THEY MUTTER
0:04:45 > 0:04:47That's who it was, aye.
0:04:47 > 0:04:48You couple of hauf-wits.
0:04:48 > 0:04:49THEY LAUGH
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Well, he is still famous, eh?
0:04:54 > 0:04:55Mary Berry?
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Whit? Where was this?
0:04:57 > 0:04:58BP garage.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01She was rattlin' intae a cauld Ginsters sausage roll.
0:05:01 > 0:05:02HE CHOMPS
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Peter Powers.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09- Who's Peter Powers? - Hypnotist. Pavilion.
0:05:09 > 0:05:10Oh, right.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13So he's hypnotised you, told you you were a prick,
0:05:13 > 0:05:15and you've no' been able to snap oot it?
0:05:15 > 0:05:16THEY LAUGH
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Here, the game's a bogey.
0:05:18 > 0:05:19Here comes the ace card.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23I was in Henderson's a couple of years back, right?
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Good 20 minutes I'd been in the queue,
0:05:25 > 0:05:27and who comes through the door?
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Wan Direction.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31- THEY SCOFF - I'm telling yous!
0:05:31 > 0:05:33All five of them jumped the queue.
0:05:33 > 0:05:34"We want beefy bakes
0:05:34 > 0:05:37"and bottles of Irn-Bru cos we're in Glasgow." I was like that,
0:05:37 > 0:05:40I telt them, "Listen, you, you talentless wee fannies!
0:05:40 > 0:05:41"If you get served before me,
0:05:41 > 0:05:43there's only wan direction you're going,
0:05:43 > 0:05:45"and it's oot that bastard windae!"
0:05:47 > 0:05:50Right. That's enough.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52The polis are gonnae be batterin' that door shortly.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55Oh, haud on, Boabby. Eric, how are you no pipin' up?
0:05:55 > 0:05:58- Och, I'm just enjoying listening. - You're the oldest wan
0:05:58 > 0:06:01amongst us. You must have bumped into a few, eh?
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Gina Lollobrigida.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05You bumped into Gina Lollobrigida?
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Naw! I pumped intae Gina Lollobrigida.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Oh! Eric wins.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Met her, charmed her, pumped her.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14Away and don't talk a lot of shite, Eric.
0:06:16 > 0:06:17Eric, you bedded a movie star?
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Aye.
0:06:23 > 0:06:24Right.
0:06:28 > 0:06:29What's everybody wantin'?
0:06:29 > 0:06:31- Tequila!- ALL:- No.
0:06:31 > 0:06:32Right.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Get it telt.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Rome, summer.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40The year 1958.
0:06:43 > 0:06:44OWL HOOTS
0:06:44 > 0:06:45Well, aul' Eric, eh?
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Cuttin' aboot Rome, 1958,
0:06:48 > 0:06:50and there she is - Gina Lollobrigida.
0:06:50 > 0:06:55And he says, "Hello, I'm Eric. I'm a randy sailor.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57"Would you care for your hole, hen?"
0:06:57 > 0:06:59- "Hen"! - THEY CHUCKLE
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Come on!
0:07:01 > 0:07:03"Would you care for your hole, Signorina, hen?"
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Oh, aye, aye. And she's like that...
0:07:05 > 0:07:07COD ITALIAN ACCENT: "Och, it's nae danger!
0:07:07 > 0:07:11"Just pull-a my scanties doon and fire right into me."
0:07:11 > 0:07:12- Pish.- Aye.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15He's definitely losing the place. It's been going on for a while.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18Aye. He's always had that patter, though, in't he?
0:07:18 > 0:07:21He telt me he ran into Frank Sinatra in the Phoenix Bar in Dundee.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24That's right. And I met Sammy Davis Jr doon the Barras
0:07:24 > 0:07:26buying a Calor gas fire.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Aye. He's a liar.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30He's cracking up at the rate of knots.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32This cold'll be the death...of...us.
0:07:32 > 0:07:33OWL HOOTS
0:07:33 > 0:07:34What's the matter with you?
0:07:34 > 0:07:36VICTOR MUTTERS
0:07:36 > 0:07:38JACK: Oh!
0:07:38 > 0:07:42Come on. Let's get away fae this Lee Van Cleef bastard.
0:07:42 > 0:07:43Aye.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46DID you see Sammy Davis buying a gas fire doon the Barras?
0:07:46 > 0:07:47Naw.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00WIND WHOOSHES
0:08:04 > 0:08:05SHOP BUZZER
0:08:05 > 0:08:07SHE PANTS Oh, my.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09- Oh, my!- Oh, Jesus, Isa.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11What's the matter with you? You look like you've seen a ghost.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Worse than that!
0:08:13 > 0:08:14- A junkie?- Naw.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Have you seen Winston wi' no clothes on?
0:08:16 > 0:08:17No!
0:08:17 > 0:08:20Sheathing, the undertaker.
0:08:20 > 0:08:21- Fae Park Mill?- Aye.
0:08:21 > 0:08:22So what?
0:08:22 > 0:08:25He's taking over auld man McCleary's business.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27He's the new undertaker!
0:08:27 > 0:08:28Good.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30It's no' good, Navid!
0:08:30 > 0:08:31It's no' good at all!
0:08:31 > 0:08:33You've no' heard the stories.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Right. Off you go.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38They say whoever he touches
0:08:38 > 0:08:41dies within seven days.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44- Hopefully, he'll come in here and touch Meena. - HE LAUGHS
0:08:44 > 0:08:47TRANSLATION:
0:08:48 > 0:08:50You think I'm being stupid, don't you?
0:08:50 > 0:08:52No, Isa.
0:08:52 > 0:08:53See the village where I lived?
0:08:53 > 0:08:57There was great poverty and battles
0:08:57 > 0:08:58and sickness.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00No, this was before Govan,
0:09:00 > 0:09:04you halfwit! I'm talking about India. See, the problem was,
0:09:04 > 0:09:05the village couldn't prosper.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07People were too busy looking after the sick.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10So, as cruel as it seemed,
0:09:10 > 0:09:13they called for Cretanta.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Cretanta?
0:09:15 > 0:09:18He was a doctor...of sorts.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20He would come on request,
0:09:20 > 0:09:22perform a chant,
0:09:22 > 0:09:24pass his hands over the stricken,
0:09:24 > 0:09:28and moments later...they were gone.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Like a witch doctor?
0:09:30 > 0:09:31No, like a criminal.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33They found out later he was injecting the poor bastards
0:09:33 > 0:09:35with window cleaner.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38He was basically an Indian Dr Crippen.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40So what's your point, Navid?
0:09:40 > 0:09:42My point is, Isa,
0:09:42 > 0:09:44I just think that your story is a pile of fu...
0:09:44 > 0:09:46..kin' bollocks.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Made-up pish.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53I'm telling ye! Last year, wee Connie Galbraith dies.
0:09:53 > 0:09:54She got into bother at the swimming
0:09:54 > 0:09:57and the nae-user lifeguard was oot havin' a smoke.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59By the time he got back, poor Connie
0:09:59 > 0:10:02had mair water in her than Loch Lomond.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Droont! There was a huge enquiry.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06The boy's still working there,
0:10:06 > 0:10:09but he's promised to stick to the vaping noo.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Anyroad, I was at the funeral.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14What an affair that was.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Oh! A right old-fashioned do, you know,
0:10:17 > 0:10:18and a huge amount of people.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Anyway, there she was -
0:10:21 > 0:10:24top hat, cane, the lot.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27She even...
0:10:27 > 0:10:29What you doing, Winston?
0:10:29 > 0:10:31- I'm looking for your point. - THEY LAUGH
0:10:31 > 0:10:33That's what I'm telling ye!
0:10:35 > 0:10:37He reaches oot his haun'...
0:10:37 > 0:10:39..and touches Raymond McCall on the shoulder,
0:10:39 > 0:10:42to gie him comfort, like.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Well, Raymond was a fit man.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47He never smoked, he never drank.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50- He used to run the half-marathon, mind?- And?
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Stone deid on the Wednesday.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57Death has come to Craiglang.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01- Wait a minute. How old was Raymond? - Eh...
0:11:01 > 0:11:03he'd a been about 56.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06Well, the life expectancy in Park Mill's about 29.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08That's a good innings for that shit-hole!
0:11:08 > 0:11:10THEY LAUGH
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Well, all I'm saying is,
0:11:12 > 0:11:15you don't want Sheathing fingering ye.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17No' even after a few sherries?
0:11:17 > 0:11:18Oh!
0:11:19 > 0:11:21DOOR CREAKS
0:11:21 > 0:11:22WIND WHOOSHES
0:11:25 > 0:11:27- BOABBY:- Hello.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29What can I get you?
0:11:29 > 0:11:30Rum.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Dark Heart.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34- Ice.- Right.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41I'm the new funeral director here in Craiglang.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Well...
0:11:43 > 0:11:45..if you've come in here to tout your trade,
0:11:45 > 0:11:47you've just hit the mother lode.
0:11:47 > 0:11:48You wheesh!
0:11:48 > 0:11:51Anyway, just thought I'd pop in to introduce myself.
0:11:51 > 0:11:52Just, er, leave my card.
0:11:54 > 0:11:55If ever, well...
0:11:56 > 0:11:58..you know.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00ICE CUBES CLINK
0:12:00 > 0:12:02COINS CLUNK
0:12:02 > 0:12:03FRUIT MACHINE BEEPS
0:12:07 > 0:12:08Any luck?
0:12:08 > 0:12:11Aye! It's just aboot tae pay oot.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13- I hope so.- Oh, cheers.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Well...we'll be seeing you, then.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Oh, that's for certain.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24- See you now. - DOOR CREAKS
0:12:27 > 0:12:30Creepy, lanky Addams Family bastard.
0:12:32 > 0:12:33That's funny.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35It was cold when he came in!
0:12:35 > 0:12:37- Noo, it's all warm.- Well...
0:12:37 > 0:12:40..least he never touched any of us.
0:12:40 > 0:12:41That's all I'm saying.
0:12:41 > 0:12:42Right, wrap it, Isa.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Let's talk about something else, eh?
0:12:45 > 0:12:46Aye.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Here, you'll love this, hen.
0:12:48 > 0:12:52Eric, tell Isa your story about Gina Lollobrigida.
0:12:53 > 0:12:54Eric.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Eric!
0:12:56 > 0:12:58COINS CLATTER
0:13:04 > 0:13:05Poor old Eric, eh?
0:13:05 > 0:13:06He'll be sadly missed.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Aye. He will indeed.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15- Tae Eric.- Aye.
0:13:17 > 0:13:18Dear auld friend.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Isa's at it full-tilt.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26- At what?- Och.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28She's going roon' the whole of Craiglang
0:13:28 > 0:13:30telling everyone that Sheathing undertaker fella's the Reaper.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32She's got everybody shiting themselves.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34It's a load of garbage.
0:13:34 > 0:13:35Here, tell me this.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38In a lifetime, on average - average, mind -
0:13:38 > 0:13:40how many times do you think the heart beats?
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Oof, I don't know. Must be up in the thousands.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44JACK SNORTS
0:13:44 > 0:13:45Thousands. Away you go, you hauf-wit.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48No, it's 100,000 times a day.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Thousands?! That widnae gie you enough time to boil an egg.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53You'd be dipping your wee soldier in there,
0:13:53 > 0:13:55heart attack, that'd be you finished. Game over.
0:13:55 > 0:13:56Goodnight, Vienna.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Naw, over the course of a lifetime, the heart will beat
0:13:59 > 0:14:01two-and-a-half billion times.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Aye, well, I've rattled a few thousand
0:14:03 > 0:14:05listening to this story, Jack. What's your point?
0:14:05 > 0:14:08My point is, once you've had all your heartbeats, that's it.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Your time's up. And that is what happened to Eric.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Eric didnae die because he was touched by the hand of Death.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Aye. Reaper nonsense.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18You cannae be walkin' aboot
0:14:18 > 0:14:21waiting on somebody putting a bony finger on your shoulder
0:14:21 > 0:14:23marking you oot for death. Eat what you want.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25- Smoke all you like. - Booze it up like an alkie.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28It disnae matter. When your time's up, your time's up.
0:14:28 > 0:14:29Aye, well said.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32- Spot of lunch?- Aye.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35WHIRRING
0:14:38 > 0:14:39What are you doing?
0:14:41 > 0:14:43- I said, what are you doing? - Two smoothies.
0:14:43 > 0:14:48Kale, spinach, cucumber, and a raw egg.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50- R-Raw?- Just like Rocky.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52To be safe.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54T-To be safe, aye.
0:14:55 > 0:14:59HE CLEARS HIS THROAT What is it you're calling it?
0:14:59 > 0:15:01The Insurance.
0:15:01 > 0:15:02The Insurance.
0:15:10 > 0:15:11- That's...- Yep.
0:15:11 > 0:15:12Right.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Sheathing the Grim Reaper?
0:15:19 > 0:15:21A load of pish.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Aye, Eric was due to go, eh?
0:15:23 > 0:15:25The mind was...drifting.
0:15:25 > 0:15:2785.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Aye. And then there was all the lies. Eh?
0:15:29 > 0:15:32- HE SCOFFS - Gina Lollobrigida.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34- Be great if it was true, eh? - Oh, aye.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37Widnae be all that difficult to find oot. I mean,
0:15:37 > 0:15:39what year did he say it happened?
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Eh, summer...1958.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44And what was the name of his ship?
0:15:44 > 0:15:45That's easy - HMS Corunna.
0:15:45 > 0:15:49Well, I'm gonnae get to the bottom of this. Let me make a few calls.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52You make a few calls once we get to the bottom of these cans.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58- To Eric.- To Eric.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07Do you no'...fancy a wee go on the fruit machine? Hm?
0:16:07 > 0:16:08No.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12I've not got any change.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18Tam!
0:16:19 > 0:16:20Hi, Boabby.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24You love the puggie.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27- WHISPERS:- Play the puggie.
0:16:27 > 0:16:28Nah.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Just got a fresh pint there.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Does naebody in here want to play that puggie?
0:16:41 > 0:16:43- No, I'm OK. - THEY MURMUR
0:16:43 > 0:16:46Look, I'm as sorry about Eric as you lot.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49But I am trying to run a business here,
0:16:49 > 0:16:51and what the shit's this?!
0:16:52 > 0:16:54THEY MUTTER IN PROTEST
0:16:56 > 0:17:00It's a pub! It's no' Lady Diana's bastarding grave!
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Boabby's no' to blame here, everybody.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06It's that undertaker, Sheathing.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09- Oh, Isa, gie it a rest. - Don't start all that pish again, Isa. It's nae use.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11BELL RINGS
0:17:11 > 0:17:14I know you're all upset about your good friend Eric passing...
0:17:15 > 0:17:18..but Isa's fear might not be unwarranted.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22I have mates in Park Mill that used to hurry by his funeral shop.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24But hear this -
0:17:24 > 0:17:27there have been loads of depictions of Death -
0:17:27 > 0:17:30the Norse Valkyries, Thanatos - that's Greek.
0:17:30 > 0:17:34But one of the biggest icons is the Grim Reaper.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36The Black Death pandemic, right?
0:17:36 > 0:17:3814th century, 20 million deid.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41A fear of death spread throughout society.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Is it any wonder that a town full of pensioners
0:17:43 > 0:17:46in the twilight of their years should fear such a figure?
0:17:48 > 0:17:50How we are gonnae get rid of him?
0:17:50 > 0:17:52You don't need to get rid of him.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54He disnae exist.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57Sheathing's just flesh and blood -
0:17:57 > 0:17:59like you and me.
0:17:59 > 0:18:00DOOR CREAKS
0:18:00 > 0:18:01WIND WHOOSHES
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Mr Sheathing.
0:18:05 > 0:18:06Rum.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Dark Heart.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23MACHINE BEEPS ERRATICALLY
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Looks like your fruit machine's deid.
0:18:29 > 0:18:30Anyway, the reason I came in is...
0:18:35 > 0:18:37One touch on the shoulder.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Seconds later, Eric was away.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41Taken!
0:18:41 > 0:18:43- A lot of Bram Stoker pish. - I'm telling ye!
0:18:43 > 0:18:45If he tried to touch me,
0:18:45 > 0:18:47I'd take one of these size 10s, I'd part his Reaper baws
0:18:47 > 0:18:49and I'd say tae him, "You feeling grim noo?"
0:18:49 > 0:18:50SHE SCOFFS
0:18:50 > 0:18:53- Mrs Drennan! - SWING CREAKS
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Can I have a word?
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Don't let him touch me! It's no' my time!
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Take her! She's got high blood pressure!
0:19:08 > 0:19:09HE MUTTERS
0:19:10 > 0:19:11SHE PANTS
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Oh! Oh...
0:19:33 > 0:19:37- Oh, Boabby! Boabby, help me! - Whit?
0:19:37 > 0:19:40Oh, Boabby! Oh, Boabby, for God's sake, help me!
0:19:40 > 0:19:41Boabby, he's coming for me!
0:19:41 > 0:19:43- The Reaper's coming!- Mrs Drennan.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Oh, Boabby, don't let him touch me, son!
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Right, that's enough, ye daft old bun.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51You know what this is aboot, don't you?
0:19:51 > 0:19:53People roon' here have got a mad notion
0:19:53 > 0:19:55that you're the Grim Reaper.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57- Wan touch and you're deid. - No, no, no.
0:19:57 > 0:19:58All I'm after is...
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Isa, look at this.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09HE IMITATES EERIE MOANING
0:20:10 > 0:20:12That's me deid noo.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17- Oh... - HE HITS THE GROUND
0:20:17 > 0:20:18SHE WHIMPERS
0:20:18 > 0:20:19Oh, my!
0:20:25 > 0:20:26Open, ya bas.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Jack!
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Oh, Victor!
0:20:30 > 0:20:33Victor! Something terrible's happened!
0:20:33 > 0:20:34Open your door!
0:20:34 > 0:20:37Isa, for God's sake. Look at the state of you, woman.
0:20:37 > 0:20:38What's the matter?
0:20:38 > 0:20:41- Death is nigh.- What's the matter? Boabby's deid!
0:20:41 > 0:20:43- Whit?!- Aye!
0:20:43 > 0:20:44Sheathing touched him.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47- Death is nigh. - What do you mean, he touched him?
0:20:47 > 0:20:50Boabby got the undertaker to rub him,
0:20:50 > 0:20:52and doon he went!
0:20:52 > 0:20:55He rubbed him and went doon on him?
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Naw, ya hauf-wit!
0:20:57 > 0:21:00Boabby collapsed! He's deid!
0:21:00 > 0:21:02- Death is nigh!- What the hell is it
0:21:02 > 0:21:03you're babbling aboot?
0:21:03 > 0:21:06It's an anagram of Sheathing's name!
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Look - "Death is nigh."
0:21:08 > 0:21:10- Oh, for f... - LIFT BELL DINGS
0:21:15 > 0:21:16DOORS SLAM
0:21:38 > 0:21:39PHONE RINGS
0:21:44 > 0:21:46- Hello?- He's at your door.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50SLOW KNOCKING AT DOOR
0:21:56 > 0:21:58SLOW KNOCKING
0:21:59 > 0:22:00Eh...
0:22:00 > 0:22:03Sorry! I can't come to the door at the moment!
0:22:03 > 0:22:06I'm tending to my...cat.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08It's got a sore paw.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Jack's in, but...
0:22:13 > 0:22:15..and he's not got any animals to attend tae!
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Bastard!
0:22:17 > 0:22:19What have you done that for,
0:22:19 > 0:22:22you back-stabbing, throw-me-under-the-bus, big, lanky bastard, ye?!
0:22:22 > 0:22:25I'm sorry, Jack. I panicked and I shat it.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32That's him come for you noo.
0:22:32 > 0:22:33Open it and see what he wants.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35SLOW KNOCKING
0:22:35 > 0:22:36Aye, watch me.
0:22:39 > 0:22:40PHONE RINGS
0:22:44 > 0:22:45Mr Jarvis, can I have a word?
0:22:45 > 0:22:47You can have two! Piss off.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50Will you open the door, please?
0:22:50 > 0:22:53So you can touch me up and kill me? Naw!
0:22:54 > 0:22:57Mr Sheathing, come away in.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01Isa, darlin'! No! You've still got a couple of good years left in you!
0:23:01 > 0:23:03DOOR BANGS SHUT
0:23:07 > 0:23:08Right.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10Time to staun' up and be counted.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22All right. Chap the door.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24How have I to chap the door? That would mean I've summoned him.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27Hm. Right, we'll chap at the same time, right?
0:23:27 > 0:23:30One, two, three.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32- You bastard! - JACK LAUGHS
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Noo you know what it feels like to be underneath the bus.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40What is that?
0:23:40 > 0:23:41Garlic paste.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Didn't have any bulbs.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45What is it you're gonnae dae, baste him?
0:23:45 > 0:23:46LOCK CLICKS
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Relax, boys. It's fine.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52- Come in. - SHE LAUGHS
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Say hello.
0:23:59 > 0:24:00Say hello.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02- BOTH:- Hello.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04- Hello.- Boabby phoned.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07He fainted and bumped his heid. He's all right.
0:24:07 > 0:24:08Well, we're glad to hear that.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11But what's big Lurch doing going round all the doors?
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Well, I apologise for the lateness of the hour,
0:24:13 > 0:24:15but I was getting desperate.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17I was trying to get hold of all yous so you could tell me about Eric.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20The man had no family - I was going to do his eulogy,
0:24:20 > 0:24:23but every time I approached you, you scarpered.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25Aye, well, maybe you could talk in your eulogy about
0:24:25 > 0:24:27how you killed him!
0:24:28 > 0:24:30He was 85.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33- The man had a bad heart. - He's no' the Reaper.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37He's a bit creepy, but he's no' Death.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Thanks, Isa.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Er, eulogy?
0:24:42 > 0:24:45Well, he was a good footballer.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48He was in the Navy. And the Fire Service.
0:24:52 > 0:24:53He was a brave man, Eric, you know.
0:24:53 > 0:24:57There was a big fire in a department store in Glasgow, this is going way back...
0:24:58 > 0:25:01It is in death that we know life.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04It is in the weaving that we know love.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07It is in the evening of our days that we truly see the gentle...
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Bit of bad news.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12Aye! Eric's deid!
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Of course it's bad news!
0:25:14 > 0:25:16It would be worse if the lid opened and he walked oot.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18No, listen, it's about that Gina Lollobrigida thing.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Aye? What about it?
0:25:20 > 0:25:23Well, I'm sad to announce it was bollocks.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25The auld bugger made it all up.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29She was in Rome in 1958, and so was he,
0:25:29 > 0:25:32but they missed each other by about three weeks.
0:25:32 > 0:25:36The HMS Corunna was docked in Rosyth.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Game's a bogey.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Aw, shit.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44..and was blessed indeed with many friends
0:25:44 > 0:25:48and a great and solid community round about him.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50And although he was a single man,
0:25:50 > 0:25:53he knew the love of a woman.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56I wasn't sure whether to mention this,
0:25:56 > 0:26:00but in my capacity as the undertaker here in Craiglang,
0:26:00 > 0:26:03it is my duty to prepare the deceased for the afterlife.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07And it was then that we discovered
0:26:07 > 0:26:10a letter in Eric's breast pocket
0:26:10 > 0:26:12which I think you might find interesting.
0:26:14 > 0:26:15"My darling Eric.
0:26:15 > 0:26:19"It was wonderful for us to meet and have those few nights together.
0:26:19 > 0:26:23"You are my sweetheart - a true stallion.
0:26:23 > 0:26:24THEY CHUCKLE AND MURMUR
0:26:26 > 0:26:28"I shall never forget us sitting on the beach
0:26:28 > 0:26:30"with our toes in the water,
0:26:30 > 0:26:35"your ship waiting to take you away in the distance."
0:26:35 > 0:26:36SHE SNIFFS
0:26:36 > 0:26:39"Oh, how I wish our lives could be different
0:26:39 > 0:26:41"and for us to be together.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44"I will always love you.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46"Gina."
0:26:46 > 0:26:47- ALL:- Gina?
0:27:02 > 0:27:03HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:27:03 > 0:27:05- Hello?- Hello!
0:27:05 > 0:27:08- Lovely service.- Aye, it was indeed.
0:27:08 > 0:27:09Very moving.
0:27:10 > 0:27:11Did you know Eric?
0:27:13 > 0:27:15I knew Eric, all right.
0:27:15 > 0:27:16That was my letter.
0:27:18 > 0:27:19Gina.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21I had an ice cream cafe in North Queensferry
0:27:21 > 0:27:24and Eric's boat docked there one summer.
0:27:24 > 0:27:25- In Rosyth.- Yes.
0:27:25 > 0:27:29We'd a bit of a fling, you might call it.
0:27:30 > 0:27:34Your cafe...it was underneath the Forth Road Bridge?
0:27:34 > 0:27:39That's right. They built it that summer. 1958.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41- Eric made up a name for me. - Which was?
0:27:41 > 0:27:45- Gina's Lollies Forth Road... - BOTH:- ..Bridgida.
0:27:46 > 0:27:47Christ.
0:27:49 > 0:27:50JACK: What a boy, eh?
0:27:50 > 0:27:52- VICTOR LAUGHS - A stallion, she called him.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54What a hero.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57- Oh, Winston.- Jack, Victor.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59And, eh...this is?
0:28:01 > 0:28:02This is Agnes.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06- Oh! BOTH:- Hello, Agnes.
0:28:45 > 0:28:46Ooh...
0:28:47 > 0:28:49What a week.