0:00:18 > 0:00:20Ah - good morning, Vera.
0:00:20 > 0:00:22Some of these were here yesterday.
0:00:22 > 0:00:26Well, so was I and I'm still sweet and juicy.
0:00:26 > 0:00:27You get worse.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29We try, we try.
0:00:29 > 0:00:33You don't get this personal touch at the supermarkets, do you?
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Huh, cheapskates.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42She was seen at the bus station in Worksop.
0:00:42 > 0:00:46Well, it's not like being caught in a hotel bedroom, is it, eh?
0:00:46 > 0:00:51In high heels? Suddenly, at her age, she's in high heels.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53No, I can't see it.
0:00:53 > 0:00:57I mean, if you were looking for love, would you go to Worksop?
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Ah, it's him I feel sorry for.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Oh, I don't know! He's got his allotment, in't he?
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Grows his own veg, instead of buying it from me.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07No, if he wants to play with his parsnips
0:01:07 > 0:01:10it's no wonder that she goes wild in Worksop.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19HE YAWNS
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Take those glasses off. You can't see.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36You have to make these little sacrifices in the name of cool.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Chill.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Leroy - I'm over here!
0:01:42 > 0:01:45You ought be able to find your father in the dark.
0:01:45 > 0:01:46Your mother did.
0:01:49 > 0:01:50First time.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Well, it was the only time if we want to be technical about it.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57But look, look here, look... tidy up.
0:01:57 > 0:02:01I'm going to move these chocolates out of the way of sleepwalkers.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03GURGLING PIPES
0:02:03 > 0:02:06When are you going to get these pipes fixed?
0:02:06 > 0:02:09GURGLING CONTINUES
0:02:09 > 0:02:10- GURGLING STOPS - There you are - fixed.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17You've never been totally sure have you? About me.
0:02:17 > 0:02:18Are you really my father?
0:02:19 > 0:02:24Nothing says, "I love you," like a clout round the ears.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26That's when I realised you'd got my ears.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30Anyway, I'm on your birth certificate, aren't I?
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Mind you so is the registrar.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38I often wonder if I'm really somebody else.
0:02:38 > 0:02:39I don't even look like you.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42When I was your age even I didn't look like me.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45Why do you keep fiddling with that bacon slicer?
0:02:45 > 0:02:49Because I'm after the world's thinnest slice.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Bit like my love life was in those days.
0:02:52 > 0:02:53Did you love her?
0:02:53 > 0:02:57Well, I was in love with the magic of the exotic setting.
0:02:57 > 0:03:01Blackpool in February, mm, and it was raining.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04We were both on the rebound from an emotional crisis.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08Her because she'd been going out with the wrong types, and me
0:03:08 > 0:03:12because I'd had to pay for that repair on the roof, yeah.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15We comforted each other in The Queen's Hotel.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17And here I am.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Most people come back with a stick of rock.
0:03:21 > 0:03:22Look what I come back with.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26Now, take those off will you. Hey - have you seen your eyes?
0:03:26 > 0:03:28They look like raspberry ripples.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31What time did you get in last night?
0:03:31 > 0:03:33You used to wait up.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36Yeah, well there's not much point in both of us
0:03:36 > 0:03:37losing a night's sleep is there?
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Huh. That's a very casual attitude for a father.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42You want casual, think of your mother.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Oi!
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Everybody else did.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48I bet she weren't that bad?
0:03:48 > 0:03:51She left you out there on my doorstep
0:03:51 > 0:03:53for some nugget in the motor trade.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56He could offer her a nearly new Jaguar.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59What chance did I have with buy one get one free?
0:04:00 > 0:04:03You'd better put these on offer and reduce them.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Reduce?
0:04:06 > 0:04:07Wash your mouth out!
0:04:09 > 0:04:11You don't use the word "reduce". That's for wimps.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14You'll never get rid of all this anchovy paste.
0:04:14 > 0:04:15Don't worry, I'll shift it.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17You forget that I was
0:04:18 > 0:04:20ter-ter-ter-ter-trained...
0:04:23 > 0:04:27I was trained by the ma-ma-ma-master.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31He was a bair-bair-bair-bair...
0:04:33 > 0:04:36..he was a bair-bair-black belt in sneaky, wasn't he?
0:04:47 > 0:04:48I saw that.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53You always were keen-eyed, Mrs Agnew.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57Well, just remember how close we once were and keep your mouth shut.
0:04:57 > 0:04:58How close when?
0:04:58 > 0:05:00What - well, don't you remember?
0:05:00 > 0:05:02I got you under the mistletoe at Christmas.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04It wasn't even Christmas - it was barely August.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08Well, we have to plan ahead, you know, in the service industries.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10How's the lad?
0:05:10 > 0:05:12The lad is fine.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Anyway, how is your romantic life?
0:05:16 > 0:05:18I heard that it had lost a bit of its sparkle.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Where did you hear that?
0:05:20 > 0:05:22From your husband actually.
0:05:23 > 0:05:24I'm surprised he noticed!
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Hmm.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Pick us a dozen nice ones and send Leroy with them
0:05:28 > 0:05:30when the breadman's been.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37DOORBELL TINKLES
0:05:37 > 0:05:40What's wrong with that slice of bacon?
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Don't start a rumour like that.
0:05:42 > 0:05:43So, why are you looking at it?
0:05:43 > 0:05:45I'm reading it.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48How can you read bacon?
0:05:48 > 0:05:52Well, it takes years of experience, you know.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56Yes, I'm er, looking for the omens. Reading the future.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58They used to do it with chickens' entrails,
0:05:58 > 0:06:02but this is much kinder to your tablecloth.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04You do spin people some fanny.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07LAUGHTER
0:06:12 > 0:06:17Cyril, come inside. Give us a sporting chance.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20How much of this anchovy paste is it that you're looking for?
0:06:20 > 0:06:23None. Are we alone?
0:06:23 > 0:06:25I didn't know you cared.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Yes, we are, but I must warn you that my IT manager
0:06:28 > 0:06:30is out there in the back.
0:06:31 > 0:06:32What have you got for a rash?
0:06:32 > 0:06:34I don't know. What would it like?
0:06:36 > 0:06:37Well, come in, come in.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Don't be shy. Come along.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41It's all right saying, "Don't be shy."
0:06:43 > 0:06:44It's a bit personal.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Oh, in that case may I say how pleased we are
0:06:47 > 0:06:48that you've brought it in here!
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Where is this rash?
0:06:54 > 0:06:56INAUDIBLE WHISPERING
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Well, if it's there how can you see that you've got a rash?
0:07:03 > 0:07:05It's all done with mirrors.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Well, your secret is safe in here.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13What's said in here stays in here.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16You told everybody where I had a boil.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19No, that was in here, that wasn't outside.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Right, well, we'll see if we can find you something. Now, then...
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Oh, yes. There you go - that'll do it.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30For nappy rash?
0:07:30 > 0:07:34I've seen it all before. You've got flat cap fever.
0:07:34 > 0:07:35That'll sort it.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Flat cap fever? Down there?
0:07:39 > 0:07:42That's where it strikes. Life is a mystery, isn't it?
0:07:42 > 0:07:45They reckon it's to do with your follicles.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49I'm afraid you've been crushing your follicles.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51That's £4.79, please.
0:07:51 > 0:07:52£4.79?
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Yes. It's either that or you got to lose your cap.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Are you sure this is what I need?
0:07:57 > 0:08:00Oh, of course. Body builders use that.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Why would they use this stuff?
0:08:02 > 0:08:06Well...it's for bulking up isn't it, and improved muscle tone.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09How can nappy rash cream bulk anybody up?
0:08:09 > 0:08:11How can you argue with facts?
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Have you seen how fast babies grow?
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Aye...
0:08:17 > 0:08:20Yes. Good man. Thank you, thank you.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Well done...and you have been.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24DOOR BELL TINKLES
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Oh, er - Leroy! Come here!
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Come and get some practice in.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30There you are... come on!
0:08:32 > 0:08:34HE SIGHS
0:08:40 > 0:08:41Very good.
0:08:44 > 0:08:45Why, you...!
0:08:47 > 0:08:49APPLAUSE
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Oh - morning, Mrs Travis.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58How's the lad?
0:08:58 > 0:09:02The lad is fine. Especially out of business hours.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Morning, Mrs Hemstock.
0:09:06 > 0:09:07How's the lad?
0:09:07 > 0:09:11The lad is fine. I only wish I had half his opportunities.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15I hope he's grasping them firmly with both hands.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18I'm sure he is, Mrs Hemstock. I'm sure he is.
0:09:22 > 0:09:23DOOR BELL TINKLES
0:09:24 > 0:09:27Ah...the former Nurse Gladys Emmanuel.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Retired, free and living alone.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32And determined to stay that way.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Why are you cutting your bacon so thin?
0:09:35 > 0:09:38You come straight out with it, don't you?
0:09:38 > 0:09:40It's not a reportable disease, is it?
0:09:40 > 0:09:43I know it's no good for frying.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Ah, no - but you get more slices.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47I'm for quality not quantity.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50- How's the lad? - The lad's fine.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53Why is it nobody ever asks about how I am?
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Well, they know how you are.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58You're an old tightwad like your uncle.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Old tightwad?
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Look, could we settle for prime of life, perfectly formed,
0:10:03 > 0:10:07and in magnificent condition...
0:10:07 > 0:10:09kind of tightwad?
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Ee, he trained you well.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14Don't be bitter. He would have married you, given time.
0:10:14 > 0:10:15Time?
0:10:15 > 0:10:19An alternative view is that he died sooner than pay for the wedding.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23All right, so you haven't got matrimony.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25How about some anchovy paste?
0:10:25 > 0:10:27No, no - special offer.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29You'll never get rid of that anchovy paste.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32They're staunch potted meat round here.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34- DOOR BELL TINKLES - Psst, how's the lad?
0:10:34 > 0:10:37Oh, the lad's fine and I, I, I...
0:10:37 > 0:10:39I'm invisible.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Why do they always ask about the lad?
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Well, you were glad of us all when you were raising him.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48He's got about 12 mothers round here.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Course they're going to ask, "How's the lad?"
0:10:50 > 0:10:52I could do with a bit of mothering.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Huh! We all know what you could do with.
0:10:55 > 0:10:56Keep taking the pills.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58DOOR BELL TINKLES
0:10:58 > 0:10:59That's £3.50.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01I'll see you Friday.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03- Save me a small white loaf. - Right.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Good morning, Granville.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Good morning, Mavis.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20I'm all right as far as "good morning,"
0:11:20 > 0:11:22then I never know what to say.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24That's me finished.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27There's no problem. I'm gobby enough for both of us.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Do you know that the small grocer makes an ideal pet?
0:11:35 > 0:11:36I like what you're wearing.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Oh, it's just something I threw on...
0:11:39 > 0:11:42and off - and on again.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45You look better since you got rid of that bum of a husband.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48I must have liked him once. Can't remember why.
0:11:48 > 0:11:52I could never understand why you weren't unfaithful to him.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54It wasn't as though I didn't try.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58You were always nice.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02I used to come in the shop more than I really needed.
0:12:02 > 0:12:06Hm, yeah, well, it was a hell of a romance, weren't it?
0:12:06 > 0:12:07The closest we ever got
0:12:07 > 0:12:10was when we had both our hands on the same tin of baked beans.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14And now your sister's moved in.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17She thinks I need protecting from men.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20She thinks everybody needs protecting from men.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Where is she now?
0:12:22 > 0:12:24- She's parking the car.- Oh.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26She's not great at reversing.
0:12:26 > 0:12:27CRASHING OUTSIDE
0:12:30 > 0:12:34I ought really to have stopped and helped her.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36What is it that you've come in for?
0:12:36 > 0:12:39I got the note you slipped in with our order.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41I meant every word.
0:12:41 > 0:12:42"Sorry, no beef spread.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46"I'm enclosing anchovy paste."
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Heck, you've got the wrong note.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50CHOCOLATE BOXES CRUNCH
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Oh, now look!
0:12:52 > 0:12:55It wasn't just cold and businesslike then, the note?
0:12:55 > 0:12:57No, it could have heated a small dwelling,
0:12:57 > 0:12:59the note that I sent to you.
0:12:59 > 0:13:00DOOR BELL TINKLES
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Don't be listening to him, he'll give you all sorts of old twaddle.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05It's what they do.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07And good morning to you too, Madge.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10We can't get a twaddle in edgeways with you.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13And where were you when I was reversing?
0:13:13 > 0:13:15You know I daren't look.
0:13:15 > 0:13:16Well, you look at him.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18He doesn't race his engine.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23APPLAUSE
0:13:24 > 0:13:27Hang on, can we have a little talk about that?
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Don't be looking at him soft.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33Ask him how much is his belly pork?
0:13:33 > 0:13:36I'm not sure I follow that chain of thought.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39Anyway, it's no dearer than up the road.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42We'll have a quarter, and a quarter of haslet.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Haslet...yes, thank you...
0:13:44 > 0:13:48Oh, I daren't look when he's using that bacon slicer.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Well, he's not charging enemy trenches.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53No, and he's not over-charging either.
0:13:54 > 0:14:00Except for certain awkward customers who are designed for such purposes.
0:14:00 > 0:14:01Has he finished?
0:14:01 > 0:14:03He's still gobbing. He hasn't started yet.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07I can't watch.
0:14:07 > 0:14:11I keep expecting to see two slices of bacon and a finger.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13I'll wait outside.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Oh, yes.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24"Must be over 18?"
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Anchovy paste?
0:14:26 > 0:14:30Oh, yes. Too much power in the wrong hands.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34A small shopkeeper has to be responsible.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36We can't have vulnerable young people
0:14:36 > 0:14:40experimenting with mind-altering substances, can you?
0:14:41 > 0:14:43LEROY GROANS
0:14:43 > 0:14:45What's mind-altering about anchovy paste?
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Ah! Well, of course, there's your ancient secret.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Ah, well, yeah, and here comes your ancient load of old cobblers.
0:14:50 > 0:14:54No. No. No. It goes back to Ancient Egypt.
0:14:54 > 0:14:59Now, I had to swear a sacred oath before the secret was given to me
0:14:59 > 0:15:02by this van driver from Warburton's. I...
0:15:07 > 0:15:09Was that Mr Marshall?
0:15:09 > 0:15:12I could have sworn that was Mr Marshall.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14- Have you got any more of them....? - DOG BARKS
0:15:17 > 0:15:21It was. It was Mr Marshall. He's just like his father, you know.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23They always get more dog than they can handle.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27How are you going to deliver all of these?
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Oh, we have our methods.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32I can't see what you've got against the shop bike?
0:15:32 > 0:15:34It's clapped out. It's history.
0:15:34 > 0:15:35Well, it served me well.
0:15:35 > 0:15:39And I've still got the saddle sores to prove it.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Well, don't worry about me. Arrangements have been made.
0:15:57 > 0:15:58Oh!
0:15:58 > 0:16:01I didn't hear you coming, Mrs Featherstone.
0:16:01 > 0:16:02You're very light on your feet.
0:16:02 > 0:16:06Oh, lighter than that, Granville, in the right circumstances.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09Was that your Leroy with two strumpets?
0:16:09 > 0:16:13Yeah, well, I only saw two, but you never know with Leroy.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15Your Uncle Arkwright would turn in his grave.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18He was never one for mixing business with pleasure.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Believe me, I tried.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23You? Tried pleasure?
0:16:23 > 0:16:27It is within the area of my expertise, Granville.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Oh, we could have made a dream team your uncle and me.
0:16:30 > 0:16:34With his grasp of the mercenary and my gift for the thrifty.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37But, he was blinded by a bigger bosom.
0:16:38 > 0:16:42Yeah, well...he did always expect a lot for his pound, didn't he?
0:16:42 > 0:16:45Of course it helped that she could bandage his injured parts
0:16:45 > 0:16:47and keep an eye on his mild hernia.
0:16:47 > 0:16:51So, I lost, I always feel, on a technicality.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54But he lost the opportunity to awaken my flame.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59Well, I know he never knew where he left his matches.
0:16:59 > 0:17:04You'd be surprised what burns behind a respectable exterior.
0:17:04 > 0:17:10Well, behind some exteriors, er, you can see how it is easily overlooked.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13I have trained two husbands to an early grave.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Discipline was my watchword, but...
0:17:16 > 0:17:20for a genuine soul mate of strict financial probity,
0:17:20 > 0:17:25on national holidays and certain personal festivities,
0:17:25 > 0:17:28there could be the occasional frolic.
0:17:30 > 0:17:34I never thought of you in a frolic, Mrs Featherstone.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37Under strict operational conditions. One must be realistic.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40I know how you men are.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Really? How are we Mrs Featherstone?
0:17:43 > 0:17:44Call me Delphine.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49- (Delphine?) - I think we are ready to take us
0:17:49 > 0:17:50to the next level.
0:17:51 > 0:17:55Oh, look at that. Is that the time? It is.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58- I must go and see if I can get... - Ooh.
0:17:58 > 0:18:02I have watched you, lad, growing in wisdom.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05To you I am always available on a consultancy basis.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08And there could be more, Granville.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11It is the Age of the Cougar.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13SHE GROWLS
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Oh, did you - oh, did you hear that?
0:18:15 > 0:18:17That was the bacon slicer, er...
0:18:17 > 0:18:20phone, phone. It was the phone. The phone!
0:18:24 > 0:18:27BIKE CREAKS AND GRANVILLE GROANS
0:18:34 > 0:18:36I'll slow that Leroy down.
0:18:38 > 0:18:39Oooh!
0:18:39 > 0:18:42< LEROY: There's a person here who wants to see you about
0:18:42 > 0:18:44unlocking his full body potential.
0:18:49 > 0:18:54Hee, hee! You t-taught me some stuff, didn't you, eh?
0:18:54 > 0:18:56I'll never get into heaven.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59Probably be closed anyway.
0:18:59 > 0:19:03These big companies don't work the hours that we do, do they?
0:19:04 > 0:19:08Well, let's see what meh-meh-meh-magic there is
0:19:08 > 0:19:11in an-anchovy paste, shall we?
0:19:16 > 0:19:19Oh, is it a trough of low depression or is it Eric?
0:19:19 > 0:19:21How's it going, Eric?
0:19:21 > 0:19:23What's this stuff you've got then?
0:19:23 > 0:19:24Stuff?
0:19:24 > 0:19:26"What's this stuff"?
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Eric, this place is full of stuff, isn't it?
0:19:28 > 0:19:32This is an Aladdin's Cave. It's the Horn of Plenty.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35You're going to have to get a bit closer than "stuff".
0:19:35 > 0:19:39Now, is it my imagination or are you a bit low in spirit?
0:19:39 > 0:19:42So, would you be if you were married to her back home.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45I thought you did better than might have been expected.
0:19:45 > 0:19:46She's not unattractive.
0:19:46 > 0:19:50I know. But what does she do with it?
0:19:50 > 0:19:51Nothing.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55Are you telling me you've lost some of the music of your honeymoon days?
0:19:55 > 0:19:59Well, it was never exactly the full orchestra.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01But I'm down to solo trumpet.
0:20:08 > 0:20:09We ought to form a duet.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14You know, people of our generation
0:20:14 > 0:20:18are in the deprivation zone of playtime.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Playtime?
0:20:20 > 0:20:22If I didn't have an X Box, I wouldn't get any.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27There are ways, you know, to put the colour back in your cheeks.
0:20:28 > 0:20:34Are we talking...over 18... "unlocking your full potency" here?
0:20:34 > 0:20:35We are.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37That's it. That's the stuff.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39But are you ready for it?
0:20:39 > 0:20:41I'm ready.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43I'm ready.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47Can I ask - ready for what, exactly?
0:20:50 > 0:20:52For the road back to playtime.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56When you say "back"...
0:20:56 > 0:20:58have you got anything for anyone who's never really
0:20:58 > 0:20:59been there in the first place?
0:21:02 > 0:21:06Well, I have to warn you - this stuff, you know, is a life changer.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09I'm up for that.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Right now, listen - don't overdo it at first.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14You know, small amounts. Pace yourself.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17This stuff has a double whammy.
0:21:17 > 0:21:21You get your general health stimulus plus...
0:21:27 > 0:21:28Plus...
0:21:28 > 0:21:30HE WHISPERS
0:21:30 > 0:21:34- From anchovy paste? - Oh, yes, it's the fish oils.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36Nature's secret,
0:21:36 > 0:21:39cos way back then, you know, we were all fish.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43This stuff will put a tiger in your tank.
0:21:43 > 0:21:47I tell you what, this will transform your nights.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49But I warn you - you've got to take it easy.
0:21:49 > 0:21:53Small amounts, pace yourself. Spread it thinly.
0:21:53 > 0:21:54Else what?
0:21:54 > 0:21:57Else your entire life will be playtime.
0:22:00 > 0:22:01I'll take two.
0:22:08 > 0:22:09DOOR BELL TINKLES
0:22:15 > 0:22:17DOG BARKS
0:22:18 > 0:22:21Oh! Oh, it's you.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23DOG WHINES
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Oh, right...
0:22:25 > 0:22:27What have we got here?
0:22:27 > 0:22:29HE SIGHS
0:22:29 > 0:22:32No, I don't think I've got that particular butter,
0:22:32 > 0:22:35but tell her the one I'm sending her is just as good.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37DOG BARKS
0:22:37 > 0:22:41Oh! It says here two dog chews.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43I hope you've not been forging this note?
0:22:44 > 0:22:46- Eh? - DOG WHINES
0:22:48 > 0:22:50AUDIENCE: Aww!
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Right, thank you for the lift....
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Should you be doing that when you're engaged?
0:23:05 > 0:23:07DOOR BELL TINKLES
0:23:11 > 0:23:14- GRANVILLE TUTS - Oh, heck.
0:23:14 > 0:23:18The wear and tear on errand boys these days!
0:23:18 > 0:23:20Have you seen your face?
0:23:20 > 0:23:22It was just a glancing blow.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25Well, we can't let everybody know that you're having more fun
0:23:25 > 0:23:27than I am. Come here. Now...
0:23:37 > 0:23:40You've got my mouth.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43Only yours is seeing much more action than mine.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45This has got to stop.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Now, we've got to make these deliveries
0:23:47 > 0:23:49in a proper commercial manner.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Otherwise we will be known as Squeals on Wheels.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55DOOR BELL TINKLES
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Warming up out there, is it?
0:24:10 > 0:24:13You're a deadpan lot around here.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16What does a bloke have to do to get a reaction?
0:24:16 > 0:24:18You must be wondering what's the point of being
0:24:18 > 0:24:20dressed like a pillock if nobody cares.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25"Wear this, the company said, "This'll get you noticed.
0:24:25 > 0:24:26"This'll help you sell."
0:24:27 > 0:24:29I look like a muffin, don't I?
0:24:29 > 0:24:31You look as though you could do with a drink.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33I do. I need a drink.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37That's very good of you.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39We're not all barbarians.
0:24:39 > 0:24:43Tell me, what are you supposed to be, apart from ridiculous?
0:24:43 > 0:24:45That's another thing about you lot.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48You're all very inclined to speak your mind.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50What is it that you're selling?
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Planters' Tea.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56Our most refreshing brand.
0:24:56 > 0:24:57HE MIMICS FANFARE
0:25:00 > 0:25:02And, for your advertising,
0:25:02 > 0:25:05a full-size, cardboard cut-out...
0:25:05 > 0:25:07..of me.
0:25:09 > 0:25:13Full size, eh? Well, that'll never go down with the natives.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15They'll start worshipping it.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18But I'll tell you what we'll do, you leave us a few free samples
0:25:18 > 0:25:20and we'll see how it goes.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25And there's no reason to be calling in the shop.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28- What shop? - Oh, don't give me "what shop?"
0:25:28 > 0:25:30And don't go gawping in as we pass.
0:25:30 > 0:25:34So, I give him a wave. I can do waves.
0:25:34 > 0:25:38I don't get tongue-tied doing waves. It's only friendly.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Oh, he won't have friends. They wouldn't be tax deductible.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45"You need a drink," he says.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Then charges me for the bottle.
0:25:48 > 0:25:49Should have stayed in bed.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51You meet some...
0:25:54 > 0:25:55It's a jungle round here.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01You see! What a money grabber!
0:26:01 > 0:26:03He's got a nice face.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06So has a Jack Russell and they'll bite your hand off.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09Treat them right, I bet they're warm and cuddly.
0:26:09 > 0:26:10Oh...!
0:26:12 > 0:26:15I'm recycling the shop bike.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17I've got to slow my lad down somehow.
0:26:19 > 0:26:23You know, I owe my exquisite calf muscles to the years that
0:26:23 > 0:26:26I spent on the old shop bike.
0:26:26 > 0:26:30We won't mention the pressure on certain other parts.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33It's there he needs all the knocks he can get!
0:26:39 > 0:26:40What are you waiting for out here?
0:26:40 > 0:26:43The return of the firm's transport.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46He's not trying to get you back on that old bike?
0:26:46 > 0:26:50- Again.- It were clapped out when he used to ride it.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Can I ask you something?
0:26:53 > 0:26:57Again? Do I think he really is your father?
0:26:58 > 0:27:01He's the only one you've got.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03He brought you up,
0:27:03 > 0:27:05with a bit of help,
0:27:05 > 0:27:07and he looks after you.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10True. And I've got his ear.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12That's something.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14BIKE HORN PUMPS
0:27:19 > 0:27:23Distinctive vehicles for delivery...
0:27:23 > 0:27:26just like Harrods - traditional...
0:27:26 > 0:27:28style.
0:27:28 > 0:27:29Watch that pedal.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32Oh, nimble errand boys -
0:27:32 > 0:27:35they laugh at tricky pedals.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Oh! Oof!
0:27:37 > 0:27:39Ugh!
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Oh! Ow!
0:27:43 > 0:27:46Oh! Ow!
0:27:46 > 0:27:47Ah!
0:27:53 > 0:27:57You ought to be locked up, selling diabolical stuff like that.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01I've never had an easy moment since I put it on.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03Talk about scratching!
0:28:03 > 0:28:05I'm going to be red raw.
0:28:06 > 0:28:10It was for internal use, you barnpot!
0:28:10 > 0:28:12Ohh!
0:28:12 > 0:28:15When I said spread it on thiiiiiinly,
0:28:15 > 0:28:18I meant on a piece of toast!
0:28:18 > 0:28:19Now he tells me!
0:28:21 > 0:28:23Come on in...inside...
0:28:23 > 0:28:26- Oh!- Ow!
0:28:26 > 0:28:28It's a duet, in't it, eh?
0:28:33 > 0:28:36'Oh, it's been a funny old day.
0:28:36 > 0:28:40'I've seen more of Wet Eric than is customary.
0:28:41 > 0:28:44'I believe I'm near a breakthrough with that bacon slicer.
0:28:45 > 0:28:48'I thought Mavis was looking good.
0:28:49 > 0:28:52'But then I always think Mavis is looking good.
0:28:54 > 0:28:56'That's a powerful rear light.
0:28:57 > 0:29:00'Unless it's Wet Eric still glowing in the dark.'
0:29:02 > 0:29:05Your note arrived safely, Granville.
0:29:05 > 0:29:07Tucked in among my groceries.
0:29:07 > 0:29:10Aren't you the sly one?
0:29:10 > 0:29:12I don't usually do much for Christmas, but,
0:29:12 > 0:29:14under the circumstances.
0:29:14 > 0:29:16Huh? Argh!
0:29:16 > 0:29:18APPLAUSE
0:29:20 > 0:29:21But it isn't Christmas yet.
0:29:21 > 0:29:24- It feels like it to me! - Oh...!
0:29:26 > 0:29:28Oh, heck!