0:00:02 > 0:00:04Right, that there.
0:00:04 > 0:00:06There y'are. HE SIGHS
0:00:06 > 0:00:09It's tatty, it looks terrible.
0:00:09 > 0:00:13So would you if you'd been up and down all those chimneys.
0:00:13 > 0:00:17Actually, it were tatty when Arkwright bought him, but...
0:00:17 > 0:00:18I know.
0:00:18 > 0:00:21- I know, the price was right.- Mm-hmm.
0:00:21 > 0:00:22It's lost an eye.
0:00:22 > 0:00:24Only temporarily.
0:00:33 > 0:00:34Now it's cross-eyed.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37- ERIC:- Hey, mind me foot.
0:00:38 > 0:00:39Hey up.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Where you going with that?
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Somewhere quiet, free from nosy neighbours.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Say hello to our new fitness regime.
0:00:52 > 0:00:56Where we can develop muscles that will be irresistible to the
0:00:56 > 0:00:58female of the species.
0:00:58 > 0:00:59Even wives.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Especially wives.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04We're in search of domestic happiness.
0:01:04 > 0:01:05He means fun.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08That too. We're going to surprise 'em.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Today trampoline, tomorrow...
0:01:10 > 0:01:11HE INHALES
0:01:11 > 0:01:13..Mr Wonderful.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16Let's see how they feel about living with Mr Six-Pack.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19And for this you get out of a warm bed, do you?
0:01:19 > 0:01:22Warm? She wears bed socks.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24How tropical is that?
0:01:24 > 0:01:26- C'mon.- Oh...
0:01:46 > 0:01:50HE YAWNS
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Oh.
0:02:01 > 0:02:05HE HUMS A TUNE
0:02:17 > 0:02:19All right, all right, if you insist.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Right.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23That one don't go in there.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31HE YAWNS
0:02:31 > 0:02:34- You've got a hole in your face. - Where?
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Underneath your nose, it looks like the Channel tunnel.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40Yeah. Well, look what time it is, I'm entitled to yawn.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Listen, I want you awake and alert,
0:02:42 > 0:02:44you're going to be looking after the shop for an hour.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47I can manage. Not as well as if I had a rise.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51But relax, I'm awake.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53You call that awake, do you?
0:02:53 > 0:02:55- Come here.- What?
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Let me have a look, let me see.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Stay there, let's have a look.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04I can see through here what you were doing last night.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09Good grief, no wonder you're tired.
0:03:09 > 0:03:10Oh, dear.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Hey, I were home early last night.
0:03:12 > 0:03:16Anyway, if you daren't leave me in charge, why don't I go for the tree?
0:03:16 > 0:03:20No, because you'll come back with some clapped out twig.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22I want a tree...
0:03:34 > 0:03:37I want a tree that he would've chosen.
0:03:37 > 0:03:42I want a tree that says, "Arkwright chose this."
0:03:42 > 0:03:47Or more accurately it would be, "Arkwright ch-ch-ch-ch-chose it."
0:03:51 > 0:03:55Mm, oh heck. Who left those there?
0:04:00 > 0:04:01Ho!
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Anybody seen a reindeer called Golicky Gill?
0:04:08 > 0:04:09You get dafter.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12HE LAUGHS
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Our Madge doesn't do Christmas.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17She thinks mistletoe is a foot disease.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Ho, ho, ho.
0:04:20 > 0:04:25Guess who's coming down Madge's chimney with a secret admirer?
0:04:26 > 0:04:31If it's that dozy Gastric, he can run up his own chimney.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35Well you'd better not hang about, Madonna's been after him,
0:04:35 > 0:04:38you know, sending him autographed pictures.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Does he know she's probably no good at gravy?
0:04:41 > 0:04:42Oh.
0:04:43 > 0:04:47Come away, you'll be as daft as the men round here.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Oh, I like daft, makes me feel at home.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Welcome home, Mavis.
0:04:54 > 0:04:55Mm-mm.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Thank you, Granville.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59MADGE MUTTERS
0:05:01 > 0:05:03SHE HISSES
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Don't forget that loaf for Mrs Mottishaw.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Mm-hmm, engraved on my mind.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15And don't let more than two kids in at once.
0:05:15 > 0:05:16How do you arrange that?
0:05:16 > 0:05:19Well you belt the first two and the third one stays outside.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25Oh and keep your eye on that Mr Faucet, he brings mice in.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27How do you mean, "He brings mice in"?
0:05:27 > 0:05:30I don't know how he does it but he brings mice in.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33BELL RINGS
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Good morning, Eric.
0:05:35 > 0:05:36Is it?
0:05:37 > 0:05:39I must've missed it.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Well, good morning anyway, Eric.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47Well, not for me, she's in a foul mood.
0:05:47 > 0:05:48She found three grey hairs.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54That's the closest to excitement we've got all year.
0:05:57 > 0:06:01Although, wait until she sees the new...
0:06:01 > 0:06:02HE INHALES
0:06:02 > 0:06:04..Mr Wonderful.
0:06:11 > 0:06:12It's a work in progress.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14Yeah, yeah.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Anyway, where we going?
0:06:16 > 0:06:18We're going to get a tree.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21How big a tree? It's only a small van.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24It's only a small tree. Now c'mon.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31Hey, if that Mrs Alison comes in, start coughing,
0:06:31 > 0:06:34that should start her off. Once she gets started,
0:06:34 > 0:06:36she'll be a pushover for that cough
0:06:36 > 0:06:39syrup we're trying to get rid of. HE LAUGHS
0:06:45 > 0:06:46Now what?
0:06:46 > 0:06:49There's some of yesterday's scones out there,
0:06:49 > 0:06:53now if you wrap them tightly in a wet tea towel and spin them
0:06:53 > 0:06:56round your head a few times, they come out as good as new.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Right, tightly mind, tightly.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07You don't want them, you know, bouncing about, do you?
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Hey, what you doing?
0:07:25 > 0:07:28I'm confiscating your phone, give your Leroy a break.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30A break?
0:07:30 > 0:07:33Have you seen all that young totty that hangs round his neck?
0:07:33 > 0:07:35I have noticed that.
0:07:37 > 0:07:38- Here.- Mm?
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Why don't you nag him a bit?
0:07:40 > 0:07:42In fact, make it a lot.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53I do love a girl in uniform.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55So did your uncle.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02ENGINE REVS GEARS CREAK
0:08:13 > 0:08:15TILL RINGS
0:08:21 > 0:08:24He only comes home at weekends.
0:08:24 > 0:08:28It's a good job he doesn't pop back home on Wednesday nights.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Oh, really? What happens on Wednesday nights?
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Well, if I were inclined to gossip,
0:08:33 > 0:08:36I could tell you stuff that would make your ears curl.
0:08:36 > 0:08:40Mrs Hussein, we all know that you're not one to gossip.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43- Thank you.- But...
0:08:43 > 0:08:45At this very moment in time, you're really well
0:08:45 > 0:08:49placed for an ear that is ready to be curled.
0:08:50 > 0:08:51It's a nice ear.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Oh, came with the face.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55SHE LAUGHS
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Well, I suppose I could tell ya, in confidence naturally.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Oh, naturally.
0:09:02 > 0:09:03Well...
0:09:06 > 0:09:09Every Wednesday afternoon you can see the preparations.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Go on, go on. I'm hooked.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14You can hear her singing, hair in curlers,
0:09:14 > 0:09:17who sings with their hair in curlers?
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Oh, no, I'll have to pass on that one.
0:09:19 > 0:09:20It gets worse...
0:09:22 > 0:09:23Every Wednesday afternoon?
0:09:23 > 0:09:26According to Mrs Hussein and she lives opposite.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Hair in curlers, Wednesday afternoon.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31You can't argue with evidence like that.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33It's him you feel sorry for.
0:09:33 > 0:09:37Oh, be honest, girl, it's us we feel sorry for.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39How long since you were in curlers on a Wednesday afternoon?
0:09:41 > 0:09:44I daren't think. Where does the time go?
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Still, it hasn't taken you much time
0:09:46 > 0:09:49to stamp your authority on this new little job of yours.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51You can't have them doing as they like.
0:09:52 > 0:09:56CAR HORNS BEEP
0:10:03 > 0:10:05All right. Thank you, Steve.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07And the other one.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13- It's too big.- It's magnificent.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15But too big.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18No, it's your imagination that's too small, Eric.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Put it in the back of the van.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Out? What's he doing out?
0:10:27 > 0:10:29He's gone to fetch a tree, Mrs Featherstone,
0:10:29 > 0:10:31but I'm sure I'll be able to assist you.
0:10:31 > 0:10:35I must confess, Leroy, to not being entirely happy with
0:10:35 > 0:10:40the idea of your generation handling a mature person's daily calories.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45I find that young people tend to maintain the highest
0:10:45 > 0:10:47standards of personal hygiene, Mrs Featherstone.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Yes, but they share it about so.
0:10:50 > 0:10:54You see, I've seen you covered in wall-to-wall trollop
0:10:54 > 0:10:55on numerous occasions.
0:10:58 > 0:11:02A close observer would've seen me struggling to resist.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04I was a Girl Guide, Leroy,
0:11:04 > 0:11:08we had to light our fires by rubbing two sticks together.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Got some nice ham on the bone.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20That is not the image I want to leave with.
0:11:21 > 0:11:25Now, are your mince pies wrapped?
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Very snugly, Mrs Featherstone, in their own boxes.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32Don't, I had three husbands went that way.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39TYRES SCREECH
0:11:48 > 0:11:50At last, what kept ya?
0:11:50 > 0:11:51Where's Eric?
0:11:51 > 0:11:56Well, he's in here somewhere, otherwise the tree has been driving.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00I had to take over, it were going too fast.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Can somebody open this door?
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Well, go on. Go and open his door.
0:12:12 > 0:12:13Get me out.
0:12:17 > 0:12:18Are you pushing it?
0:12:18 > 0:12:21- Yes!- Yeah. - We're pushing at our end. Ow!
0:12:21 > 0:12:22Well, right, right.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25On the count of three, yeah?
0:12:25 > 0:12:27One, two...
0:12:27 > 0:12:29HE GRUNTS
0:12:34 > 0:12:35Three.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41- LAUGHING:- Merry Christmas, Eric.
0:12:41 > 0:12:45You think you ought to help but you don't really feel qualified.
0:12:45 > 0:12:49It's the only time they put some real feeling into their dancing.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55They deserve the occasional pain, especially there,
0:12:55 > 0:12:59it's the only time they regard it with any sense of responsibility.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01- LAUGHING:- Well, it's no use approaching them
0:13:01 > 0:13:03till they've finished their fancy footwork.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09I've always maintained they're not good with pain.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12Well, not there anyway.
0:13:12 > 0:13:16Still, it's the last place you expect to find a Christmas tree.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18THEY LAUGH
0:13:18 > 0:13:20THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER
0:13:20 > 0:13:24- No, you go there and give it a... - Now...- What?
0:13:24 > 0:13:26Did you have to get one this size?
0:13:26 > 0:13:28It was a snip.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31I think I've just been given the snip.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Oh, hello, Mrs Wilson.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35No, no, we're not closed, love, no.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38Come in. Just keep going. Don't you worry about your hat.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46And how are you today, Mrs Wilson?
0:13:46 > 0:13:48It's always a pleasure to see you.
0:13:51 > 0:13:55Leroy, your end is too low. Now, come on. Lift it up, will you?
0:13:55 > 0:13:56I'm trying!
0:13:56 > 0:13:58- Are you lifting?- Push! - Yeah, of course I'm lifting.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Oh... Let it go, let it go.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Oh!
0:14:02 > 0:14:03Oh.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07It's no good, we're going to have to cut something off.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Story of my life.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12You won't be saying that when you come to me
0:14:12 > 0:14:16for my help with your problems with your wife.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Leroy, go and get the keys to the yard gate.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26What can a grocer do about my wife?
0:14:26 > 0:14:28Oh...
0:14:28 > 0:14:34Eric, your small shopkeeper is, well, he's plugged into generations
0:14:34 > 0:14:39of folk wisdom, including the secret ways into a woman's heart.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Your medieval monarch wouldn't go anywhere without his grocer
0:14:44 > 0:14:46to read the omens.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48I don't want to hear anything about animal intestines.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50No, no, no, no.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53These were progressive grocers,
0:14:53 > 0:14:55they used to read the, um...
0:14:56 > 0:14:58..runes.
0:14:58 > 0:15:03You see, the fact of the matter was that it was mistranslated
0:15:03 > 0:15:08from the Anglo-Saxon, it should've been translated as...
0:15:08 > 0:15:09prunes.
0:15:11 > 0:15:16Your medieval grocer used to read the prunes.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24You see, it's all in the wrinkles.
0:15:29 > 0:15:34The secret of life is hidden in the wrinkles.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Take half a pound for the wife,
0:15:40 > 0:15:44but keep her locked up until the effects wear off.
0:15:47 > 0:15:51That tree took some shifting, didn't it?
0:15:52 > 0:15:54- I told you it was too big. - Oh, it's enough of that.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56I told you, the price was right.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01CHUCKLING: Oh, dear.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03I'd forgotten we'd got these,
0:16:03 > 0:16:07Dr Proctor's Pick Me Up for Upset Stomachs.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10We should forget them again, they never sold,
0:16:10 > 0:16:14they taste too foul, they taste like a weight lifter's underwear.
0:16:14 > 0:16:19Oh, no, this is the Christmas season, Leroy, people overindulge,
0:16:19 > 0:16:22they'll be in need of a good pick me up.
0:16:25 > 0:16:26Oh.
0:16:26 > 0:16:31Ah, Mavis, now this here is a talking Father Christmas,
0:16:31 > 0:16:36if you'd like to press just there he'll have a message for you.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39HE MAKES A GURGLING NOISE
0:16:39 > 0:16:43When in doubt, say yes.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45I can do that, what's the question?
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Now that depends upon your Madge.
0:16:47 > 0:16:51Oh, she thinks I'm unreliable, lose something once
0:16:51 > 0:16:55and they never forget. It was Marks and Spencer's.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58It's not as if I forgot and left Auntie Mary in Pound Saver.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Oh. HE LAUGHS
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Yes, well, there are a few people
0:17:02 > 0:17:05that you would like to forget, you know. (Go on.)
0:17:05 > 0:17:08I went back for her, same day.
0:17:08 > 0:17:12I often dream about your Madge, you know,
0:17:12 > 0:17:17emigrating to somewhere where the men are short-sighted.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Anyway, what can I get you?
0:17:21 > 0:17:27There, you see, you've done it now. You made me lose concentration.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Oh, ha, take your time.
0:17:31 > 0:17:35Has your Madge ever thought about taking up dangerous sports?
0:17:35 > 0:17:39Oh, she's never said. All I know is she's set her
0:17:39 > 0:17:43face against Christmas, she won't be coming to see your tree tonight.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Oh, well, that means you'll be coming on your own, eh?
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Oh, I can't come.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51Well, I wouldn't enjoy it if she's stuck up there in her bedroom.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53- HE SIGHS - It'd make me feel rotten.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55- Save us a teacake, will ya? - DOG BARKS
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Yes, I'll leave it just there by the door,
0:17:57 > 0:17:59- you can snatch it on your way back. - Whoa!
0:18:03 > 0:18:07Why can't he get a smaller dog, or let it pull him in a cart?
0:18:07 > 0:18:12I think it's a Tarzan thing, you know, man against the savage beast.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Mm, which brings me back to your Madge.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18Oh, I wish she'd relax and have a good laugh.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22Oh, needs a laugh, eh?
0:18:22 > 0:18:23I know just the man.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31What are we doing for Christmas?
0:18:31 > 0:18:32Forget it.
0:18:34 > 0:18:35Oh, as much fun as that?
0:18:35 > 0:18:38We've got your mum and mine on Christmas Day
0:18:38 > 0:18:40and we've got me brother Boxing Day.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Your brother? What? Again?
0:18:42 > 0:18:44He's all alone, Eric.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47What happened to misery loving company?
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Oh, lighten up, look at the face on ya.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55- MUMBLING:- What did you get for Christmas, Eric?
0:18:55 > 0:18:56Her mother and her brother.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08Dr Proctor's Pick Me Up?
0:19:08 > 0:19:11I should need picking up if I drank this.
0:19:11 > 0:19:15Oh, well, please yourself. It's better than trampolining anyway.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20Frank Sinatra used to drink this by the bucket-load.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23He said it helped him through the high notes,
0:19:23 > 0:19:27that and...all them women, mm.
0:19:27 > 0:19:28This is one of your stories.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30- Mm?- I don't believe it.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32Well, if you had that many women,
0:19:32 > 0:19:34you would need some help, wouldn't you, eh?
0:19:34 > 0:19:37I've only got one and I still need help.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Yeah, there you go then.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45It says here, "For upset stomachs."
0:19:47 > 0:19:50It doesn't say anything about...
0:19:50 > 0:19:52HE WHISTLES
0:19:52 > 0:19:55You know.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58Well, of course it doesn't say anything about...
0:19:58 > 0:19:59HE TRIES TO WHISTLE
0:20:02 > 0:20:06They put that on the label, they'd get arrested, wouldn't they?
0:20:06 > 0:20:09Is there a money back guarantee if it fails to...?
0:20:09 > 0:20:11HE WHISTLES
0:20:11 > 0:20:15Fails? This can't fail. This is wisdom of the ages, this.
0:20:15 > 0:20:19This goes back long before Dr Proctor. That...
0:20:19 > 0:20:22HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:20:23 > 0:20:27Dr Proctor stole this recipe.
0:20:27 > 0:20:28Were he a crook?
0:20:28 > 0:20:30He was an opportunist.
0:20:31 > 0:20:35You see, he stumbled on this formula when he was excavating
0:20:35 > 0:20:39a tomb in the Valley of the Kings just outside Pontefract.
0:20:46 > 0:20:50Valley of the Kings is not just outside Pontefract.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52No, you're right,
0:20:52 > 0:20:54it's nearer Wakefield, isn't it?
0:21:08 > 0:21:10All right.
0:21:10 > 0:21:15Now this very evening, Madge, who is deeply attracted to you...
0:21:15 > 0:21:20Give over. When she sees me, she goes, "Eurgh!"
0:21:22 > 0:21:25..who is deeply attracted to you,
0:21:25 > 0:21:30is up there in her bedroom at this moment, miserable.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33What she needs is, she needs someone to give her a giggle,
0:21:33 > 0:21:36make her laugh, you know, pull funny faces.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41I dunno if I can do funny faces.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44Oh, come on, you've got a good start.
0:21:46 > 0:21:50No, you see, if you make her laugh you're halfway to romance.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56What about the other half?
0:21:56 > 0:22:00No. Now listen, you've got to get yourself psyched up, you see,
0:22:00 > 0:22:04because it's not only your romance that's riding on this,
0:22:04 > 0:22:08it's my love life as well. So you've got to make an effort.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10Effort?
0:22:10 > 0:22:13I mean...have some fun!
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Now, come along, it's fun time.
0:22:17 > 0:22:18Let that set, Gastric.
0:22:20 > 0:22:25If Madge won't come to Christmas, then Christmas has to come to Madge.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28I've never been on a trampoline.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Oh, there's nothing to it.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32It's the next best thing to flying.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Maybe not to landing.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Don't worry about...
0:22:36 > 0:22:37HORN BEEPS Ah! Ah!
0:22:37 > 0:22:39- Hey, watch it! - HORN BEEPS
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Move it around.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Hey! Road hog.
0:22:43 > 0:22:44All right, c'mon.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Whoa, whoa. Hey, hey!
0:22:48 > 0:22:50Do you mind? HORN BEEPS
0:22:50 > 0:22:54Let's get this thing out of the middle of the road, would you?
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Going to get run over.
0:22:56 > 0:22:57Shh, keep quiet.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03- Ah.- What are you doing?
0:23:03 > 0:23:06The beard, the beard's fast.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08No, don't pull it, you'll pull me face off.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10That glue's really sticky.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12- Keep your voice down.- I'm in pain!
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Yeah, but being really brave about it.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Look, she's in.
0:23:16 > 0:23:21Never mind about the beard, she needs to see his face anyway.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23- TEARING - Ah! Ah!
0:23:23 > 0:23:24Oh! Ah!
0:23:24 > 0:23:27- Shh!- Shh, quiet. Shh!
0:23:27 > 0:23:28Will you be quiet?
0:23:28 > 0:23:32Quiet? That's the closest shave I've had for a while.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35It's a good job you didn't get your trousers fast.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38Now, don't stand there looking at it,
0:23:38 > 0:23:42climb aboard, feel the weightlessness.
0:23:42 > 0:23:43Enjoy yourself.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46How am I supposed to get up there?
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Oh, for heaven's sake,
0:23:48 > 0:23:51they never had this trouble with the astronauts, did they?
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Right, just... Come on, we'll give you a hand.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57Oh, me leg! Oh, me leg.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59- Oh! Me leg!- Put this one...
0:24:02 > 0:24:06Oh, for heaven's sake! Leroy, go and get the steps, will ya?
0:24:27 > 0:24:30It won't stand still.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Keep your voice down, this is supposed to be a surprise!
0:24:33 > 0:24:35It is for me, I tell you.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40Get a grip, man, will ya? Find your balance.
0:24:40 > 0:24:41Then what?
0:24:41 > 0:24:44Then you keep jumping, that's right, then you get higher
0:24:44 > 0:24:47and higher and higher and higher, you see.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Good. HE GRUNTS
0:24:50 > 0:24:52That's it, go on. Jump up and down now.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54There, that's it.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56That's it! Go on, jump.
0:24:56 > 0:24:57Ah!
0:24:59 > 0:25:00Ow.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05You're going to have to get more power behind it.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Get bigger jumps.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25HE ROARS
0:25:25 > 0:25:27HE SHRIEKS
0:25:31 > 0:25:34LOUD CRASH SHE LAUGHS
0:25:44 > 0:25:47THEY CHATTER
0:25:53 > 0:25:57I rescued my second husband from a trampoline,
0:25:57 > 0:26:00her name was Sonia or something equally bizarre.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03I warned him, she'd been jumped on more times than I've had hot...
0:26:03 > 0:26:07Now then, Delphine, put your claws away, it's Christmas.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09I'm sure she was harmless.
0:26:09 > 0:26:10Possibly...
0:26:10 > 0:26:11when not horizontal.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Cyril has been telling me you've got this stuff?
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Oh, Dr Proctor's Pick Me Up?
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Well, does it work on females?
0:26:29 > 0:26:34Well, it's fine for females, it's for any upset stomachs.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36He never said anything about upset stomachs.
0:26:36 > 0:26:40Oh, you mean the side effects?
0:26:43 > 0:26:44I'll take half a dozen.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Good man. Good thinking.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Ready when you are, Granville.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Ready for what, Mrs Featherstone?
0:26:53 > 0:26:56Your mistletoe mince pies, save me a dozen.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58I'll be in when you deliver.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14What you looking for?
0:27:14 > 0:27:17The mince pies, we've got to destroy them.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20No, no.
0:27:20 > 0:27:24If anybody asks, you tell them we've sold out.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26We have sold out.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29HE SIGHS HAPPILY
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Oh, Merry Christmas, Leroy.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE
0:27:39 > 0:27:44'Father Christmas bouncing up to a window is not something
0:27:44 > 0:27:46'you see everyday.
0:27:46 > 0:27:50'There were bits there you could well do with not believing in,
0:27:50 > 0:27:52'even that Madge was smiling.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55'If she's going to smile every Christmas
0:27:55 > 0:27:57'she could become quite giddy.'
0:27:57 > 0:27:59Merry Christmas, Granville.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06'Nobody says Merry Christmas quite like Mavis.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11LIGHTS CRACKLE
0:28:12 > 0:28:15'And a Merry Christmas to you, Arkwright.'