0:00:00 > 0:00:01Oh.
0:00:15 > 0:00:18Oh, er, that boiled ham has reached it's sell-by date tomorrow.
0:00:18 > 0:00:20CLICK
0:00:20 > 0:00:23Hey, did you hear that click?
0:00:23 > 0:00:28That's me switching to boiled ham selling mode.
0:00:28 > 0:00:29Watch and learn.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31Watch and learn.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34Oh, good day to you, Mrs Boiled Ham.
0:00:37 > 0:00:38Oh, sorry. Kath.
0:00:40 > 0:00:41You called me boiled ham.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Yes, I did, didn't I?
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Yes. Of course, there's absolutely no resemblance.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50It's just it's on me brain.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Been thinking about it all day.
0:00:52 > 0:00:57I'm looking forward to having that last slice of delicious...
0:00:57 > 0:00:59- Last slice? - Mm.
0:00:59 > 0:01:00Oh.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02That's a pity.
0:01:02 > 0:01:03Eric likes his boiled ham.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Oh, right, keeps him docile, does it?
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Are you sure it's the last slice?
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Oh, yes, unfortunately.
0:01:12 > 0:01:16I'm looking forward to having it with a nice little bit of pickle.
0:01:16 > 0:01:17Tough.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41HE YAWNS
0:01:51 > 0:01:52All right.
0:01:52 > 0:01:53TILL RINGS
0:01:58 > 0:02:01Now, that one doesn't go in there. Ha-ha!
0:02:03 > 0:02:05DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES
0:02:07 > 0:02:09You bought too much boiled ham.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11That's not the problem.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13The problem is we haven't sold enough.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16It's like that other daft thing you bought on the internet.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Oh, it wasn't daft, not at the price.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Dr Proctor's Perfect Posture.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Support where you need it, inflatable underwear.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Yes, I've got plans for that.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30You're not getting me in it.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32It's trying to stop you getting out of your underwear that's
0:02:32 > 0:02:34the problem at your age.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37DOORBELL RINGS
0:02:37 > 0:02:39HE BURPS
0:02:39 > 0:02:42- What have you got for...? - Boiled ham.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44An upset stomach.
0:02:44 > 0:02:45Boiled ham.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49It's been known for generations as a cure for upset stomachs.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52The Aztecs used to swear by it.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54I thought they did human sacrifice.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Oh, yes, that was because they ran out of boiled ham.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02What would you like, half a pound or three quarters?
0:03:02 > 0:03:04I'll take half a pound.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Oh, half a pound. Oh.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09You don't like your dog any more, then?
0:03:11 > 0:03:14- All right, three quarters. - Three quarters. Yes.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Why are you standing like that?
0:03:19 > 0:03:23- Like what? - Well, like that. You know, like that.
0:03:23 > 0:03:24Posture.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Where's your posture, eh?
0:03:29 > 0:03:33You're never going to get anywhere with Madge with posture like that.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35I always stand like this.
0:03:35 > 0:03:36Get ready for changes, Gastric.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42How would you like to look two inches taller
0:03:42 > 0:03:43and be deadly to women?
0:03:48 > 0:03:49I can live with that.
0:03:50 > 0:03:51I told you.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Go. Go out there and release your inner beast.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02What do we need from the shop?
0:04:02 > 0:04:05Oh, I thought I'd just say good morning, blush a bit,
0:04:05 > 0:04:08prod one of his teacakes.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10It's called being human.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13I can't stand the sight of you making eyes at each other.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15You're going to grow old and bitter.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17You'll frighten cuddly toys.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Rawr!
0:04:35 > 0:04:38Right, there we go Mr, er...?
0:04:38 > 0:04:41- Newbold. - Newbold. There's your boiled ham.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43But I usually have corned beef.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46Oh, we are creatures of habit, aren't we, eh?
0:04:46 > 0:04:49I tell you what. Why don't I cut you three or four slices
0:04:49 > 0:04:51of corned beef as well, hm?
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Oh, no, no, no. I couldn't get through both.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55I live alone, you know?
0:04:55 > 0:04:57You're never alone with boiled ham.
0:05:00 > 0:05:01No Mr, er...
0:05:01 > 0:05:03- Newbold.- Newbold, yes.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Do you know that research has shown
0:05:05 > 0:05:08that regular eaters of boiled ham
0:05:08 > 0:05:11are 7.5% more likely to find
0:05:11 > 0:05:13a suitable relationship?
0:05:13 > 0:05:15DOORBELL RINGS
0:05:15 > 0:05:17- There. Thank you.- Oh!
0:05:17 > 0:05:21Who can this be, in a collar and tie and nicely polished shoes?
0:05:23 > 0:05:27Oh, Mrs Featherstone. This is Mr, er....
0:05:27 > 0:05:30- Newbold.- Newbold and he comes from Crawford Street.
0:05:30 > 0:05:35Oh! Well, we're practically neighbours, Mr Newbold.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37I know it's none of my business,
0:05:37 > 0:05:40but would there be a Mrs Newbold at that address?
0:05:41 > 0:05:44Not for many a year. I'm on my own.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Oh, courage, Mr Newbold.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Relief could be just around the corner.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58In Denton Street, actually.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04Oh, see him scurrying off. I know the type.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06He's mine if I turn the pressure up.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10You should snatch me while I'm still available, Granville.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Ow!
0:06:12 > 0:06:15This place could do with a woman's touch.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Imagine this vision...
0:06:18 > 0:06:22Delphine Featherstone is magnificent in nightwear.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30What are you seeing, Granville?
0:06:34 > 0:06:35Boiled ham.
0:06:44 > 0:06:45Oh.
0:06:48 > 0:06:4950%?
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Shh. Keep your voice down.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Arkwright, he'll be listening.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56I was up all night arguing with him.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58How can you argue with the departed?
0:06:58 > 0:07:02At 50% off, he comes back quite readily.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04You'll never go through with it.
0:07:04 > 0:07:05You'll come out in spots or something.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Half price is against your nature.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Look, we've got to get rid of some of this old clutter
0:07:10 > 0:07:13to make room for some new clutter.
0:07:13 > 0:07:14Er, stock. I meant stock.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19There he is again, look.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21He was there yesterday.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24What have you been doing?
0:07:24 > 0:07:25Why me?
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Because he could be an angry father.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30- Have you been fooling about with his daughter?- No.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Anyway,
0:07:34 > 0:07:36looks more like a grandfather.
0:07:41 > 0:07:42Oi!
0:07:51 > 0:07:53CAR HORN BEEPS
0:07:53 > 0:07:56It's you, isn't it? Nurse Gladys Emmanuel.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58I've been looking all over for you.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Move along, please.
0:08:00 > 0:08:01You remember me.
0:08:01 > 0:08:02Michael.
0:08:07 > 0:08:08No.
0:08:08 > 0:08:09You squeezed my boil.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15Move along, please, and go and be insane somewhere else.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17That's it. That's just how you were.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20Tough as old boots, straight in, no nonsense.
0:08:20 > 0:08:21I love it.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Move it.
0:08:26 > 0:08:27Ha-ha! That's my girl.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Not changed a bit. I love it!
0:08:29 > 0:08:30I'll be back.
0:08:32 > 0:08:33Oh, goodie.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54HE WHISTLES
0:08:57 > 0:08:59BELL RINGS
0:08:59 > 0:09:00Oh.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Can you quieten that bell?
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Come in, Cyril, it won't bite you.
0:09:06 > 0:09:07You're not going to die are you?
0:09:07 > 0:09:10I don't allow dying on the premises, you know?
0:09:10 > 0:09:12I can't make any promises...
0:09:12 > 0:09:15- Oh?- ..unless you've got a cure.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19What have you got for the world's worst headache?
0:09:19 > 0:09:21World's worst headache?
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Boiled ham.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27I don't want to eat. I may never eat again.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Oh, it's not for eating. It's for wearing.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Run that past me again.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Did you say "wearing"?
0:09:35 > 0:09:36Yes, wearing.
0:09:36 > 0:09:37Boiled ham?
0:09:37 > 0:09:41You didn't think that boiled ham was just for eating, did you?
0:09:41 > 0:09:43I've never heard of it as a cure for headaches.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Oh, yes, yes. It's a well-known fact.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47How come I've never heard of it?
0:09:47 > 0:09:51Well, you probably were too engrossed in world affairs
0:09:51 > 0:09:53and serious philosophical matters.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Yeah, yeah, yeah. That could be it, yeah, yeah.
0:09:59 > 0:10:00World matters.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Stand there, Mr Newbold, out of the draught.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12This is Leroy, who assists here
0:10:12 > 0:10:14when he's not in the hands of various moppets
0:10:14 > 0:10:16training to be single parents.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Good day, Mrs Featherstone.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22And this is Mr Newbold, who we've decided needs to take more exercise.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Is that not so, Mr Newbold?
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Bring the colour back into those cheeks.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29And good day to you, Mr Newbold.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32You might mention to Granville that I was passing, Leroy,
0:10:32 > 0:10:33in the company of Mr Newbold.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35I was going to watch the cricket.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Ooh, I had a husband did that.
0:10:37 > 0:10:38He's been dead these many innings.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Not good odds, Mr Newbold.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51First of all, you put a slice of boiled ham, right?
0:10:51 > 0:10:54One slice. Two if the pain is severe.
0:10:54 > 0:11:00- It is, it is. It is severe and I'm from a warrior race.- Yes.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03And then you fold it in a piece of, er,
0:11:03 > 0:11:06grease-proof paper, like thus.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12And then
0:11:12 > 0:11:13you place it inside your hat.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Boiled ham in your hat?
0:11:19 > 0:11:21Wait a minute.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23I may be inches away from death,
0:11:23 > 0:11:25but I'm not falling for that.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Let me refresh your vision, here.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Now, you've seen the television, haven't you,
0:11:32 > 0:11:36all about them distant lands, great mountain ranges?
0:11:36 > 0:11:37Done that, seen it.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Right, OK.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Remote South America...
0:11:41 > 0:11:43I know where you're coming from.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Mm. The high Andes,
0:11:45 > 0:11:48all those colourful natives, all wearing hats
0:11:48 > 0:11:50very similar to yours.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Even the ladies.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58I seen it on the telly, but what point are we making here?
0:11:58 > 0:12:02Did you ever stop to think why so many hats?
0:12:02 > 0:12:06Why do people who live in mountains wear hats?
0:12:06 > 0:12:09You've probably got a branch out there selling hats.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11It is the altitude.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13It's the thinness of the air.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17Oxygen deprivation.
0:12:17 > 0:12:21It gives them all these nasty headaches unless...
0:12:24 > 0:12:27You're telling me that all the natives
0:12:27 > 0:12:30are wearing boiled ham in their hats?
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Even the vegetarians.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Go in peace, my son, free of pain.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48£3.50.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Nice bit of boiled ham, was that.
0:12:57 > 0:12:58It was the last slice.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Before I go back to work,
0:13:02 > 0:13:04do you realise we might just have time
0:13:04 > 0:13:07to recapture the magic of our honeymoon?
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Magic?
0:13:13 > 0:13:15You got sunburn.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18You ended up looking like a big hot raspberry ripple.
0:13:18 > 0:13:19And it's been cool ever since.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23You're wasting our best years.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26I shan't always be virile and magnetic.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Eric, you work behind a desk.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32You're hardly Captain Midnight.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35Sometimes I'd like to come home and find you all
0:13:35 > 0:13:37made up and...
0:13:37 > 0:13:38seductive.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44You're in insurance. Where do you come up with fantasies like that?
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Will you stop taking stuff off that table?
0:13:52 > 0:13:54You're supposed to be selling it.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57I can't let these go, you know, not at that price.
0:13:57 > 0:13:58I told you you'd come out in spots
0:13:58 > 0:14:00and I bet you they're all over your back pocket,
0:14:00 > 0:14:02where you keep that wodge of money.
0:14:02 > 0:14:03Hey! Shh!
0:14:03 > 0:14:06That's classified information, that.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10Anyway, what is the point of having a jumbo,
0:14:10 > 0:14:13"everything must go" sale
0:14:13 > 0:14:15if nobody has heard about it, right?
0:14:15 > 0:14:20So, I want you to take to the streets, my son,
0:14:20 > 0:14:22and wake them all up.
0:14:22 > 0:14:26I hate going out in this thing. It's embarrassing.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28It's not compatible with my image.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Oh, really?
0:14:30 > 0:14:32This is an iconic vehicle.
0:14:33 > 0:14:38You will be taking Arkwright's to a wider world.
0:14:38 > 0:14:42You will be penetrating areas where no Arkwright has been before.
0:14:44 > 0:14:49Though I sometimes wonder whether it was true about him and Mrs Battersby.
0:14:50 > 0:14:51Mm?
0:14:51 > 0:14:53He reduced her eggs.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56BELL RINGS
0:14:56 > 0:14:58All right, you stay there. I'll go.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04- Hello, Granville. - Hello, Mavis.
0:15:06 > 0:15:10I love the way you say "hello". It just gently strokes the ear.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Oh, I've forgotten what I've come for now.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Boiled ham.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21No, no. Sorry, sorry. I didn't mean that.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24You get a free pass, don't you?
0:15:24 > 0:15:26I don't think it was boiled ham.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28No, no. No, you didn't. It was just me.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30I just... A slip of the overzealous tongue.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32I don't think it was tongue, either.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37What are you doing for St Darren's Day?
0:15:37 > 0:15:39When would that be?
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Well, it's today, funnily enough.
0:15:41 > 0:15:45It's the day when ladies wear a flower in their hair
0:15:45 > 0:15:49and they place it in a vase in the best bedroom of their loved ones.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51I bet you've not even got a vase.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02Now, you used to be a medical person.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05Now tell me, what do you think of his posture?
0:16:06 > 0:16:08I'd say it's, erm,
0:16:08 > 0:16:11relaxed, borderline sloppy.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Relaxed. That's very me.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15You go with what you're comfy with.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18All right, all right. Let's forget the medical viewpoint.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Now, what do you think of him as like, you know,
0:16:20 > 0:16:23man to woman,
0:16:23 > 0:16:25potential lover?
0:16:25 > 0:16:28I'm not here to be a fantasy figure for the ladies.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32I wouldn't worry. Some of us can handle the impact.
0:16:33 > 0:16:37You could double your impact if you got your posture right.
0:16:37 > 0:16:38Double?
0:16:38 > 0:16:42Yeah, treble, if you wore the right support.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Oh, er, Nurse Gladys, your cheese.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Are you sure you didn't mention boiled ham?
0:16:50 > 0:16:53You're the only one who keeps mentioning boiled ham.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58DOORBELL RINGS
0:16:58 > 0:17:02Right, stand there, Mr Newbold, and find your list for Granville.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Mr Newbold is living just round the corner from me,
0:17:05 > 0:17:07in a female-free zone.
0:17:07 > 0:17:11Imagine, a widower in suit and tie,
0:17:11 > 0:17:15all alone with his microwave and his basic laundry.
0:17:17 > 0:17:18Brings a tear, don't it?
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Mm, it did to me.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Apparently, his daughter is some
0:17:22 > 0:17:25sort of groupie for the Hebden Colliery Band.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29He only sees her if someone needs a new trumpet.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Well, he's worth a few bob, then, is he?
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Oh, yes, in the building society,
0:17:35 > 0:17:37aside from his ISAs.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Oh.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41In future, I think we'll keep it in here.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Now, perhaps you left it on the table
0:17:45 > 0:17:49when I said, "Have you got your list? Don't leave it on the table."
0:17:49 > 0:17:51- It's here.- Ah.
0:17:51 > 0:17:52That's a relief.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55I thought she were going to execute you on the spot.
0:17:56 > 0:17:57Me, too.
0:18:00 > 0:18:01Oh.
0:18:01 > 0:18:05Oh, you appear to have a stain on your tie, Mr Newbold.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09Are we being too casual with our custard?
0:18:10 > 0:18:12More likely porridge.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Oh, that sounds healthier.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19He wears a tie at breakfast.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Are we being gentrified, Granville?
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Is this the beginning?
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Well, I wear a tie for breakfast.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28Oh, you must allow me to witness that.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32Yes, well, it doesn't get stained with porridge,
0:18:32 > 0:18:35but you'd be surprised how a shopkeeper gets splashed
0:18:35 > 0:18:37during the course of a day.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40But what about the night, Granville?
0:18:41 > 0:18:44Well, if you want a good splash, you've got my number.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55Yes, I've got your number, Mrs Featherstone.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Everything must go!
0:19:03 > 0:19:06- DOGS BARK AND WHINE - The Arkwright jumble sale!
0:19:06 > 0:19:08- Oi! Come back! - Sorry!
0:19:08 > 0:19:11Right, move it, Cindy. Come on, give it some clog.
0:19:14 > 0:19:15Oh.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17I'm sorry, but who is this?
0:19:17 > 0:19:19I've no idea.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22Oh, you can't have forgotten. It's Mike. Mick!
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Mr Stillworth.
0:19:24 > 0:19:25I asked you to marry me.
0:19:25 > 0:19:29I remember you now. You were drunk.
0:19:29 > 0:19:33Oh, you don't think I'm having a boil squeezed without an anaesthetic.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Goodbye, Mr Stillworth.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Call me Mick. I'm sober now.
0:19:38 > 0:19:39Ha!
0:19:40 > 0:19:43What can I get her? What does she like?
0:19:49 > 0:19:50Boiled ham?
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Everything must go?
0:20:03 > 0:20:05It's nearly gone.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07I wish I could say the same for your Madge.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12She's better for knowing.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Or maybe not.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Do you think you'll ever get on, you two?
0:20:17 > 0:20:22We'll just have to convince her of the benefits of Gastric.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25You'll have to remind me. What are the benefits of Gastric?
0:20:26 > 0:20:30Mind you, they do say that he's handy round the house.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36Not much use if he never gets in the house.
0:20:36 > 0:20:37I know the feeling.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39I never get inside your house.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42She does go out sometimes, when she's doing hair.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45You could come for a coffee.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Oh, unless you'd rather have tea?
0:20:47 > 0:20:50No, no, tea or coffee, I don't mind, no.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53Well, now I shan't know which to offer you.
0:20:53 > 0:20:54All right, coffee.
0:20:54 > 0:20:58She could style his hair. That's a start.
0:20:58 > 0:20:59Has he got any hair?
0:21:02 > 0:21:03There's always a snag.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08How will I know when she's gone out?
0:21:08 > 0:21:10You'll just have to hope for a sign,
0:21:10 > 0:21:13like St Darren's Day,
0:21:13 > 0:21:18when ladies wear a flower in their hair.
0:21:18 > 0:21:19Oh.
0:21:26 > 0:21:27Sorry.
0:21:27 > 0:21:28Don't... Don't be.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Ooh, right. I can't stay here all day.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40I'll fetch sandwiches.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42I'm supposed to be out advertising.
0:21:42 > 0:21:43We can do that later.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45I don't like you being unfaithful.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Leroy, I've never been unfaithful to you.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50- Not to me, to your boyfriend. - Oh, him.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Oh. Ooh!
0:21:55 > 0:21:57This underwear feels funny.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Yes, well, it's, er,
0:21:59 > 0:22:02not yet adjusted to your shape, is it?
0:22:02 > 0:22:04- Well, when I get the perfect posture...- Mm?
0:22:04 > 0:22:07- ..what am I supposed to do with it? - Well, you're going to go out there
0:22:07 > 0:22:09and parade it in front of Madge,
0:22:09 > 0:22:12just to prove that you're not always looking like something
0:22:12 > 0:22:15that's been put out for recycling.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21You find a style that suits you and you stay with that.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25And you're going to have to get a haircut.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29- Are you sure?- Yes.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32You've got to let Madge play with it, you see,
0:22:32 > 0:22:36so that you can reel her in with some...
0:22:36 > 0:22:38snappy conversation.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41DOORBELL RINGS
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Ay up. It works.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Ah, Cyril. Come in. Your hat's in, why don't you follow it?
0:22:46 > 0:22:49I'm not shopping.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52I thought I'd pop in and say it works.
0:22:52 > 0:22:53No more headaches?
0:22:53 > 0:22:56Gone. I feel like a two-year-old.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Ha, the Aztec cure.
0:22:58 > 0:23:02I can't believe it. I mean, boiled ham in your hat.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04In your hat?
0:23:04 > 0:23:06I recommend it. It works.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08And no side effects?
0:23:08 > 0:23:10I wouldn't say no side effects.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19I once treated his boil.
0:23:19 > 0:23:23Mm. Just goes to show, you daren't handle them casually,
0:23:23 > 0:23:26even for medicinal purposes.
0:23:26 > 0:23:27A boil?
0:23:27 > 0:23:30Bit slim as grounds for a relationship.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Tell me about it.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35He builds all this on a boil.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37It's a good job I never handled his broken leg.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Oh, you have to feel sorry for him if he had a broken leg.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42Oh, he didn't have a broken leg.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45Nurse was speaking hypothetically.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Oh, that was my first thought,
0:23:47 > 0:23:49but then I decided, no, she can't be.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Well, I suppose you could take the view that a boil being
0:23:58 > 0:24:00interested in you is better than nothing.
0:24:00 > 0:24:05Boil, something red and angry, that's a pain.
0:24:05 > 0:24:06I think I married one.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Oh, she doesn't mean that.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11- I do on Mondays. - Why Mondays?
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Well, I've usually ruined his weekend by then
0:24:13 > 0:24:15and he's in a foul mood.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17They can be tricky at weekends.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19The answer is long walks.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Oh, I don't see you as a hiker.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Not me, them.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26If you pick the right route, they come home shattered and very little trouble.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31How can they expect you to remember a boil?
0:24:31 > 0:24:33I wish I had a penny for every boil.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36I was sure somebody said he had a broken leg.
0:24:40 > 0:24:41I know they no longer promise to obey,
0:24:41 > 0:24:44but where does it say they have to be in charge?
0:24:46 > 0:24:47Right, stand straight.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49I'm standing straight.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51It's this underwear that's slouching.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54Ha-ha. Not for long.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57- Right. - To be honest, I'm a pussy.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00Sometimes I think I ought to be more...
0:25:00 > 0:25:01assertive.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03So, why don't you?
0:25:03 > 0:25:04Because the last time I tried it,
0:25:04 > 0:25:06it was a fortnight before I could sit comfortably.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15What's he got up there that needs inflating?
0:25:16 > 0:25:18I were wondering that.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25Just squeeze your nose if your ears start to pop.
0:25:27 > 0:25:28Oh, it's moving.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33I can't be doing with wandering underwear.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36This was Errol Flynn's secret, you know?
0:25:38 > 0:25:42He never went anywhere without first inflating his underwear.
0:25:45 > 0:25:46Ah!
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Oh!
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Can you be strangled below the waist?
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Not round here.
0:25:59 > 0:26:00There!
0:26:01 > 0:26:02Ah!
0:26:06 > 0:26:08The perfect posture.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Right, now go out there
0:26:11 > 0:26:14and impose yourself upon Madge.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18RUBBER CREAKS
0:26:31 > 0:26:33Go on. Go get her, tiger.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36Go on, off you go.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39RUBBER CREAKS
0:26:42 > 0:26:45I think you've put too much wind up him.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47If his underwear explodes now, those ladies
0:26:47 > 0:26:50are not going to know where to look.
0:26:50 > 0:26:51RUBBER CREAKS
0:26:51 > 0:26:54How you doing, Madge? How you been keeping?
0:26:54 > 0:26:57Thought I'd just pop over and say hello,
0:26:57 > 0:26:58as you do.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03WHISTLING AS AIR ESCAPES
0:27:07 > 0:27:09UNDERWEAR DEFLATES
0:27:09 > 0:27:12I saw you talking. I thought I'd just say, "Hi." Ha-ha.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18UNDERWEAR DEFLATES
0:27:18 > 0:27:19You'll have to excuse me.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21I think my underwear's going down.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27AIR ESCAPES LOUDLY
0:27:27 > 0:27:29- Come on.- Hurry up. - Get these off!
0:27:32 > 0:27:35Why did you do that, you fool?
0:27:39 > 0:27:43'I'm sure there was more air coming out of Gastric than I put in.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48'Oh, well, at least we shifted some boiled ham.'
0:27:53 > 0:27:55Have you seen a dog with a hat?
0:27:55 > 0:27:57He went that way.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13Is that you wearing a flower, Mavis?
0:28:13 > 0:28:15Happy St Darren's Day, Granville.
0:28:17 > 0:28:18Coffee time. Ho-ho.
0:28:20 > 0:28:22Keep cool, Granville.