0:00:02 > 0:00:04Here you go, up there, first hook.
0:00:05 > 0:00:06That's it.
0:00:19 > 0:00:22You know where that Madge rests at night, don't you?
0:00:24 > 0:00:26She folds her wings,
0:00:26 > 0:00:29and she hangs upside down in a church belfry.
0:00:29 > 0:00:30She's always all right with me.
0:00:30 > 0:00:33Oh, yeah. Just you be careful.
0:00:33 > 0:00:37I'm sure I saw her in this horror movie
0:00:37 > 0:00:39where she was eating this grocer's lad.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Not with a knife and fork.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45But with her claws.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Oh, good day to you, ladies.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51Hello, Granville.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Don't be making eyes at him.
0:00:53 > 0:00:54It was just the one eye.
0:00:56 > 0:01:01Watch the back, Madge can frown with the back.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Hey, who does that remind you of?
0:01:49 > 0:01:52- What?- Here, that, the snapping jaws.
0:01:52 > 0:01:53Madge!
0:01:53 > 0:01:54Yeah.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57Anyway, let's have those lettuces up here, they're looking a bit limp,
0:01:57 > 0:02:00just like you first thing in the morning.
0:02:00 > 0:02:01They look past reviving to me.
0:02:01 > 0:02:05Oh, no, prepare to be amazed.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07I'm amazed how you keep going on about Madge.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Yeah, well, I bet she's got webbed feet.
0:02:10 > 0:02:11Why do you say that?
0:02:11 > 0:02:14Well, Stalin had webbed feet, didn't he?
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Haven't you noticed the resemblance?
0:02:18 > 0:02:20She's only trying to protect her sister.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Yes, I know, from me.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Yeah, well, she thinks you're a scrooge.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26You know, you once overcharged her.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29It was just a reflex action, you know, nothing personal,
0:02:29 > 0:02:31you know how it is.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Mm, I know your lettuce still looks limp.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Yes, well, I haven't finished with it yet.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38And I haven't finished with Madge.
0:02:38 > 0:02:42I'm going to change her into a warm-hearted human being
0:02:42 > 0:02:47that will be bathing in the loving attention of Gastric.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50This is the Gastric who eats mince with his fingers?
0:02:50 > 0:02:51Good luck with that.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54It's only when his dog pinches his spoon.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58Gastric only really loves his dog, they've got so much in common -
0:02:58 > 0:02:59table manners.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03He does odd jobs, don't he? Hey?
0:03:03 > 0:03:07One of these days, Madge is going to need work
0:03:07 > 0:03:09doing around the house, ain't she?
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Is that hair lacquer?
0:03:16 > 0:03:17Yes.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27And here he is now, Mr Wonderful, who is going to take
0:03:27 > 0:03:32Madge on a magical journey to the wonders of his best bedroom.
0:03:32 > 0:03:33- It's full of clutter.- Mm?
0:03:33 > 0:03:37I have to keep it somewhere. I sleep in the spare room.
0:03:38 > 0:03:44Gastric, I'm listening but it's not exactly Grand Designs, is it? Mm?
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Oh, have you never been in?
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Oh, it's like a landfill without the stylistic element.
0:03:50 > 0:03:54It's all right. I've got a bit too much stuff, but, er, it's clean.
0:03:54 > 0:03:55Me and the dog like it.
0:03:55 > 0:04:00Gastric, if you took my advice, you need a woman's touch.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Actually, I might be on to something there.
0:04:03 > 0:04:04Oh, great, Gastric,
0:04:04 > 0:04:08at last you've come round to the advantages of Madge, eh?
0:04:08 > 0:04:12Madge? No, it's not Madge. It's her in Kingsley Street,
0:04:12 > 0:04:14that little widow.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Oh, can she cook.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20She does a rhubarb crumble you could set to music.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30I don't know, they get false teeth,
0:04:30 > 0:04:33a few liver spots, wobbly knees,
0:04:33 > 0:04:36you think they're safe, and the next thing you know,
0:04:36 > 0:04:40they're enticing easily-led men with their rhubarb crumble.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45And you know Gastric's easily led because you're always leading him.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48- Yes, towards happiness.- Yeah, yours.
0:04:49 > 0:04:50You're onto a loser anyway.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53I don't think Gastric even likes Madge. Oh.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Of course he likes Madge.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58No, you just keep telling him he likes Madge.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Right, you tell them often enough and they begin to believe it.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05He te-te-te-te-taught me that.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10I must admit, I've always been tempted
0:05:10 > 0:05:12by the contents of that shop.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Especially him behind the counter.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18How are you doing with Mr Newbold?
0:05:18 > 0:05:21He of the now-startled expression.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23- Mr who?- Oh, come on.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26You've near as damn it kidnapped him.
0:05:26 > 0:05:30He's lost his natural colour and gone 50 shades of grey.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Oh, he's just for practice.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35You've got to keep your hand in.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39Though I think I can safely say we have reached stage one.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41The one where he's terrified of you.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Yes, that's the one.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45You've got to keep a certain distance -
0:05:45 > 0:05:47desirable but just out of reach.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Ah, but is he reaching?
0:05:49 > 0:05:53No. I think I've some work to do on that.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55I must jog his memory.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58I think I might take him to Marks & Spencer and walk him
0:05:58 > 0:06:00through ladies' underwear.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07I know Gastric is about the same height as Tom Cruise,
0:06:07 > 0:06:10but that is where the resemblance ends.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14Maybe we ought to emphasise his practical skills.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Gastric is the bloke you go to round here
0:06:17 > 0:06:18when you've got a blocked drain.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21It's a bit far out on the fringe of sex appeal.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Oh, there's always a warm welcome
0:06:24 > 0:06:27when you've got a man with a golden touch with effluent.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33Gastric is your Beethoven of blockages.
0:06:35 > 0:06:36Tender hearts beat a lot faster
0:06:36 > 0:06:39when you've got one of those around the house, I'll tell you.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41BELL RINGS
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Hey, what? Will you stop jumping up like that?
0:06:44 > 0:06:46You're going to do yourself an injury.
0:06:46 > 0:06:50Well, there may be a stranger in the shop, you know, helping himself.
0:06:57 > 0:07:01Oh, er... Hello.
0:07:01 > 0:07:06Hello to you. I mean, if it is just you.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08- Where did you come? - Oh, I was just, er...
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Are you sure you haven't got a family of six behind there?
0:07:11 > 0:07:14- LAUGHING:- Oh! No, I'm quite alone.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19- Oh, you're after sympathy now, are you?- Well...
0:07:19 > 0:07:24Well, there are millions of people that are alone, as you said.
0:07:24 > 0:07:28I mean, if you look at it that way, I'm alone.
0:07:28 > 0:07:33That is if you don't count between four and six every other Tuesday.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36I wondered if you happened to have any loose tea.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Loose tea?
0:07:39 > 0:07:41Yes, loose tea.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Yes, yes, we have loose tea.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47It's so loose that if it goes any further, it'll be lost.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51- Just wait a moment, sir. - Excellent.- Yes.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53I don't like teabags.
0:07:53 > 0:07:57No, I...I'm the same with rhubarb crumble.
0:07:59 > 0:08:04I think rhubarb crumble should be one of those substances
0:08:04 > 0:08:06that should be banned.
0:08:09 > 0:08:10There we are, sir.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Loose tea, £2.75, if you please.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23Right, you, count to ten, come in here.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26- What?- Close your mouth, I can see your socks.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30They're clean, and how do I know they are clean?
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Because I washed them, and yours and your breakfast pot.
0:08:33 > 0:08:37Ohh! Don't get your pinny in a twist.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41That's another thing, right, my image,
0:08:41 > 0:08:43should it be wearing a pinny?
0:08:43 > 0:08:47Well, it makes a change, normally you're wearing a bit of totty.
0:08:48 > 0:08:49Didn't you at my age?
0:08:49 > 0:08:51No, it hadn't been invented.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Anyway, count to ten, come in here.
0:08:56 > 0:08:57You want me in the shop?
0:08:57 > 0:09:02After you've counted to ten. You know ten is, it's comes after nine.
0:09:02 > 0:09:03What is all this about?
0:09:03 > 0:09:06We've got a flaw in our security.
0:09:06 > 0:09:11Oh, ye gods, let's hope NATO are scrambling their F-16s.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Right. One,
0:09:16 > 0:09:18two, three...
0:09:18 > 0:09:20- QUICKLY:- Seven, eight, nine, ten!
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Gone. Can't even keep an appointment.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29I'm here!
0:09:29 > 0:09:32- Where?- Exactly, you can't see me.
0:09:33 > 0:09:34We've got a blind spot.
0:09:34 > 0:09:38We could have generations of shoplifters living behind there.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Nobody goes behind there.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Oh, yes, they do - there was someone this morning.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47He came out and his pockets were bulging like that.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Oh, you saw his pockets bulging?
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Not exactly, no.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56But they're cunning, you see, because they have these pockets that
0:09:56 > 0:10:00filter stuff right down their trouser legs like that. And the women
0:10:00 > 0:10:04are even worse, they have these bottomless undies that go like that.
0:10:04 > 0:10:08I've actually seen security men disappear down there,
0:10:08 > 0:10:09never been seen again.
0:10:10 > 0:10:14Nah, I can't remember ever seeing a customer go behind here.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Well, they have. You go behind there,
0:10:16 > 0:10:21been using it like Aladdin's cave. I tell ya, I'll give them open sesame.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23HE GRUMBLES
0:10:27 > 0:10:32When I said why don't we do something together...
0:10:32 > 0:10:34It'll do you good, you big lump.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37Good? It don't feel like good.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39It feels just like shuffling off your mortal coil.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44I do believe you're not enjoying that.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46She's trying to kill me.
0:10:46 > 0:10:47Prove it.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Looks like it's working.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51It is working. I'm going any minute.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55Promises, promises. Are you coming?
0:10:55 > 0:10:57As soon as me heart starts again.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00If you're not back by Tuesday, I'm selling your computer.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05She would, she'd sell your computer.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10There was a time when she used to smile when I walked in a room.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Which room?
0:11:12 > 0:11:13Any room.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17I'm a detail man, Eric, I like to get me facts straight.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Yeah, but are you getting any cuddles?
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Not since her mother moved in.
0:11:22 > 0:11:23Oh...
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Er, left a bit...
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Which is more than you did at breakfast.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Now tilt the top down towards you.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Well, hurry up, it's heavy.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Oh, come on, it's only a little bathroom mirror.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45Yeah, I know, and guess whose little bathroom mirror?
0:11:46 > 0:11:50Oh, enter Mavis bearing gifts.
0:11:50 > 0:11:51You what?
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Nothing, kindly adjust your mirror.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Do you want this in here or in the kitchen?
0:11:55 > 0:11:58Remember, I don't do complicated.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01You don't need complicated.
0:12:01 > 0:12:05I think it's magic what you do with simple confusion.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Thank you!
0:12:08 > 0:12:09I think.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12Oh, yes, anyway, take it straight through, my love,
0:12:12 > 0:12:15into the kitchen, yes, that's...that's fine.
0:12:18 > 0:12:19Hello?
0:12:22 > 0:12:23Oh...
0:12:25 > 0:12:29And this has been made my Madge's very own talons, eh?
0:12:30 > 0:12:33I mean hands.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36Yes. I told her it was for the church bazaar.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Good thinking.
0:12:38 > 0:12:42Lying about the church, do you think it's a good idea?
0:12:42 > 0:12:46Mavis, we're trying to arrange Madge's future happiness,
0:12:46 > 0:12:48surely that's a good idea.
0:12:48 > 0:12:52It's cottage pie, she does a lovely cottage pie.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Aha, man food.
0:12:55 > 0:12:59Yes, we've got to get Gastric back on a masculine diet.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Goodness knows where he'll end up
0:13:01 > 0:13:03with this unnatural taste for sweet stuff.
0:13:05 > 0:13:06Talking of sweet stuff...
0:13:07 > 0:13:13I've got this, er, taste for sweet stuff...
0:13:13 > 0:13:15There's no answer for that,
0:13:15 > 0:13:18I get tongue-tied when I'm blushing.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20I can undo tongues.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23Basic grocery practice.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Well, I never know what to say when you're looking at me
0:13:25 > 0:13:27with both headlights.
0:13:28 > 0:13:34I always think yes is a good answer when time is limited.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37Oh, I wish I'd worn something nicer,
0:13:37 > 0:13:39I'm only dressed for bringing cottage pie.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42It's never been brought nicer.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46- Where did you go? I'm stood there with this...- Get...get out!
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Get out, get out!
0:13:52 > 0:13:53Oh, heck.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02You can get them to fit your pocket, you know.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Security. We've got a blind spot.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Oh, you must've had one of them
0:14:10 > 0:14:13when you jumped on me in the shop doorway.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16I wouldn't say jumped, it was more like a stumble.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18I fell over you, you remember.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20I remember it felt like just another morning,
0:14:20 > 0:14:23until suddenly you're underneath a grocer.
0:14:26 > 0:14:27Who was?
0:14:29 > 0:14:31It was just an accident, Eric.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Yeah, the kind of accident that never happens to me.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36How's the jogging?
0:14:36 > 0:14:40Well, it's...er, no replacement for pleasure.
0:14:42 > 0:14:46Hey, get us half a dozen fruit scones and some cream.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51I'll take a couple of these nice, fresh-looking lettuces.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Fell on you, did he?
0:14:57 > 0:14:58Only the once.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02I fall over the cat occasionally.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09I mention this merely to point out the difference in people's
0:15:09 > 0:15:10destinies.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22She left her husband for some foreign waiter.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25The simple pleasures of the truly desperate.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28You'd have thought a tip would be enough.
0:15:28 > 0:15:29It makes you wonder
0:15:29 > 0:15:33if the husband's taken her abroad looking for some obliging waiter.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35It would have to be abroad.
0:15:35 > 0:15:39I can't see you being able to lose many wives in Skegness.
0:15:43 > 0:15:47Oh, look, a new policy.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50I expect they'll let him go when he's spent a bit of money.
0:15:50 > 0:15:54I've never had the pleasure of being roughly handled by Granville.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56He's ignored several hints.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Right, that's it now.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Sit yourself down, that's right.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Are you feeling any symptoms yet?
0:16:05 > 0:16:06What symptoms?
0:16:06 > 0:16:07Wobbly lights.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Er, ringing in the ears...
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Is your tongue turning green?
0:16:20 > 0:16:21I thought it were always green.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31How many fingers can you see?
0:16:31 > 0:16:34- Three.- Three? Wrong, only two.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36You started with three.
0:16:36 > 0:16:40Oh-ho, it's getting worse, tendency to imagine things.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Leroy, go and get me a thermometer, will you?
0:16:45 > 0:16:47I haven't got a temperature.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Haven't got a temperature? Cor, I can feel you from here!
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Ooh, you're like a Turkish bath.
0:16:52 > 0:16:57Now listen, Gastric, I'm going to ask you a question, right?
0:16:57 > 0:17:01What do you know about...the Black Death?
0:17:01 > 0:17:03It killed a lot of people.
0:17:03 > 0:17:07Wiped out half the Western world. Do you know why?
0:17:07 > 0:17:10Er...
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Rats.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16Urban legend. Everybody thinks it was rats.
0:17:16 > 0:17:22The Black Death, Gastric, was brought from the Indies by a cook
0:17:22 > 0:17:27who was making a meal so toxic and contagious...
0:17:27 > 0:17:28Bad meat.
0:17:30 > 0:17:31Rhubarb crumble.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36- LAUGHING:- Give over!
0:17:36 > 0:17:39You're trying to tell me the Black Death were caused
0:17:39 > 0:17:40by rhubarb crumble?
0:17:40 > 0:17:42You didn't know?
0:17:42 > 0:17:44So why do they call it the Black Death?
0:17:46 > 0:17:48It wipes out half the planet,
0:17:48 > 0:17:51they're not going to call it magnolia, are they?
0:17:51 > 0:17:52There's only this.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55Right, OK. Open wide.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03I don't know how they do it.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06It turns my stomach over.
0:18:06 > 0:18:07I daren't look.
0:18:20 > 0:18:21Right, ladies.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Who put a rocket behind you?
0:18:26 > 0:18:29Prompt service, Arkwright motto.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31I thought it was overcharging.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37Pretend I'm not here and we're unrelated. She's upset.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40I'm not surprised if she's been hanging upside down all night.
0:18:44 > 0:18:45I beg your pardon?
0:18:45 > 0:18:49I was persuaded to come here in a moment of dizziness.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51Have you got a chair?
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Yes, if it improves her personality.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56I doubt it, but can we have one anyway?
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Don't fuss, I'll be all right in a minute.
0:18:59 > 0:19:03I'm usually a strong person.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06People come to me for advice on being awkward.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Yes, I know - nobody does it better.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12I told you not to trust him, he's a flatterer.
0:19:12 > 0:19:16There's a man in a cherry picker in the next street -
0:19:16 > 0:19:20she can't bear to watch anybody working at dangerous heights.
0:19:20 > 0:19:24It makes my knees go to jelly.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27You have to admire the sheer bravery.
0:19:38 > 0:19:39Hey?
0:19:39 > 0:19:41A little bird tells me
0:19:41 > 0:19:46that there's a cherry picker in the next street, right?
0:19:46 > 0:19:50Now, if we bung the driver a few quid,
0:19:50 > 0:19:52or maybe less,
0:19:52 > 0:19:55we might be able to borrow it and get someone to fix
0:19:55 > 0:19:57those loose tiles on our roof.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Well, I'm not going up in a cherry picker -
0:19:59 > 0:20:01I've got no head for lows, never mind heights.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03No, no, not you.
0:20:03 > 0:20:07We need an intrepid hero fresh from his adventures with the Black Death.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10Oh, not to mention a rusty thermometer.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17Buy one WHAT, get one free?
0:20:17 > 0:20:18I think it's a trap.
0:20:20 > 0:20:21We could go in and find out.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26Listen to me, weird stuff goes on in there.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28He's got a big voodoo.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30He's got a big gob, that's all.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33It's more than that, he's had me too many times.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36- I am normally Mr Immovable.- Pfft.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43That's funny, your wife says you're a pussy.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46She's desperate to make me sound unattractive to other women,
0:20:46 > 0:20:48she knows I'm a rock.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51I exercise, I've got these great pecks.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54No, don't show me, I'm a vegetarian.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58So am I. That's another thing, he sells me meat.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01You go in there and he's got you, it's uncanny.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07That's it, well hidden, that should do it -
0:21:07 > 0:21:12the Arkwright portable shoplifter's alarm system.
0:21:13 > 0:21:17Secreted under the mat, one false step and bingo.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20Yeah, well, at least I've got my mirror back.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23Yes, right. Well, you go around and give it a try, go on.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Go on, chop chop.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28And don't walk round it just cos you know it's there.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36ALARM SOUNDS LOUDLY
0:21:39 > 0:21:42Scare somebody to death with that.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Well, they shouldn't go nosing around my blind spot.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47You're going to give somebody a heart attack.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Give? Oh, I'll sell somebody a heart attack.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Does he know yet?
0:21:58 > 0:21:59Who?
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Our intrepid astronaut.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05I've given him a call. He's, er, on his way now.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07Does he know that he's going up in this thing?
0:22:07 > 0:22:10I thought that we'd surprise him.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13- You can't...- It's all right, calm down, will you?
0:22:13 > 0:22:16He's not going to Mars, he's only going as far as the roof.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Ey up, here he is now. Sh, sh.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22Ohh, you wouldn't get me up in one of these.
0:22:25 > 0:22:26What can I do you for?
0:22:29 > 0:22:30Excuse me.
0:22:30 > 0:22:31Gastric...
0:22:33 > 0:22:38How would you like to turn a lady's knees to jelly? Mm?
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Make her heart beat a little faster?
0:22:41 > 0:22:45Make her believe that you are the man?
0:22:45 > 0:22:48GASTRIC CHUCKLES
0:22:48 > 0:22:50She'd have to like dogs.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55If she liked dogs, I could live with that.
0:22:55 > 0:22:56Well...
0:22:57 > 0:22:59That's if you live.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07What did he mean, "That's if you live"?
0:23:07 > 0:23:13If you live to be 100, you'll never have a prouder moment.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15That's IF you live to be 100.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19I've got this funny feeling there's something going off here.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21You don't mind me asking?
0:23:21 > 0:23:25No, no, this is a truth emporium. Ask away, Gastric.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28I mean, I've just had this narrow brush with the Black Death.
0:23:28 > 0:23:33Yes, I know. It's miraculous how you've pulled through.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35I were just saying that to Leroy.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37I'm not going a funny colour.
0:23:37 > 0:23:38Not yet.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42No, no, no, you're not going a funny colour.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45You're not going green or anything like that.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47What you are going,
0:23:47 > 0:23:52you're going to turn a lady's knees to jelly.
0:23:52 > 0:23:58She is going to look upon you as her knight in shining armour.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01Yes, and here is your helmet.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Sir Lancelot.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13I don't know why you can't turn knees to jelly
0:24:13 > 0:24:15but stay on the floor.
0:24:15 > 0:24:19You're going up to inspect my roof,
0:24:19 > 0:24:23to cast your expert eye over my slates,
0:24:23 > 0:24:26to make sure there are none loose.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28I can tell you where there's a few loose.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Well, who's driving this thing?
0:24:31 > 0:24:35Well, you are, that's the beauty of it. You are in control.
0:24:37 > 0:24:41Yeah, everything you need is right in front of you.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44Remember, knees to jelly.
0:24:44 > 0:24:45Mine included.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51- ENGINE STARTS - My mother used to add a dash of cinnamon,
0:24:51 > 0:24:54and that was before all this foreign travel.
0:24:54 > 0:24:59Oh, my second husband was inclined to overeat on spices.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Was that overeat or overheat?
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Both, if I didn't deflect him sharply with something depressing.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07- Oh, oh, oh! - I bet you did a good depressing.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Always, I like to keep one handy.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12There was a time when I felt depressed, and then I thought...
0:25:12 > 0:25:14- Ah!- Are you sure?
0:25:14 > 0:25:15Oh!
0:25:17 > 0:25:20I'm going in, I daren't watch this.
0:25:34 > 0:25:35Oh!
0:25:45 > 0:25:48Ba, that Madge is quick on the blouse.
0:25:48 > 0:25:52I think I did, I think I turned her knees to jelly.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55Well, you went everywhere but the roof.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58Listen, where I've been is much more interesting than your roof.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03- You think she's made an impression? - Attractive woman, that Madge.
0:26:03 > 0:26:04Hey, come along now,
0:26:04 > 0:26:08let's get you into something more comfortable, go on.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14Mavis. Mavis, stay there.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Listen, listen.
0:26:18 > 0:26:23I want you to hide. And when Gastric comes back in,
0:26:23 > 0:26:27I want you to surprise him with this gift from Madge.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30Yeah, ha-ha, oooh.
0:26:30 > 0:26:31Yes.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Surprise him?
0:26:35 > 0:26:36Hide.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Oh, you can do this, Mavis!
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Best go and see to the dog.
0:26:46 > 0:26:51Ah, Gastric, just a minute. No, your day isn't over yet.
0:26:51 > 0:26:55We've got a surprise for you, from Madge.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58ALARM, MAVIS SCREAMS
0:27:21 > 0:27:25'I think Madge is beginning to get beneath Gastric's crust.
0:27:25 > 0:27:29HE CHUCKLES 'I bet he got well licked
0:27:29 > 0:27:31'by his dog when he got home.'
0:27:40 > 0:27:42Steady girl, my old man's here.
0:27:42 > 0:27:43Going up!
0:27:52 > 0:27:55'Oh, that Mavis has a powerful scream.
0:27:55 > 0:28:01'If I ever get close enough, I must remember never to set that off.
0:28:03 > 0:28:08'I must say, it feels good to save some poor soul from rhubarb crumble.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11WOMAN GIGGLES
0:28:13 > 0:28:17'Oh, you take your eyes off 'em for a minute.
0:28:18 > 0:28:21'I hope he's not going to use that old chestnut.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24'Up here, the air is thinning,
0:28:24 > 0:28:26'this will help you breathe.'