0:00:02 > 0:00:04Anyway, they said that he could whistle
0:00:04 > 0:00:07in three octaves.
0:00:07 > 0:00:08He died whistling.
0:00:09 > 0:00:12And when they opened him up at the postmortem,
0:00:12 > 0:00:14the last three notes came out.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19Did they recognise the tune?
0:00:19 > 0:00:21Well, the pathologist said
0:00:21 > 0:00:23it sounded like acute cardiac Moon River.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27I thought he died of old age.
0:00:27 > 0:00:30Yeah, well, there was that, too. Mm-hm.
0:00:30 > 0:00:34- Hey, you want something else to think about?- Hmm?
0:00:34 > 0:00:35The guy at the Post Office said
0:00:35 > 0:00:38- there's a load of forged banknotes knocking about.- Huh?
0:00:38 > 0:00:41How do you tell? And why has Granville gone white?
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Hardly detectable.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Except by experts.
0:00:45 > 0:00:46Oh!
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Oh... HORN PARPS
0:00:49 > 0:00:50Agh! Agh! Oh!
0:00:52 > 0:00:54- HE PANTS - Oh! We need a van.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56I mean, this is humiliating at my age.
0:00:56 > 0:01:01I should be mobile. I see me in aviator sunglasses,
0:01:01 > 0:01:06reclining on leather upholstery, room inside for selected customers.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Don't pressure your father while he's hyperventilating.
0:01:10 > 0:01:14- What's wrong?- His money belt's just developed a murmur.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17It's all right, I'll be all right in a minute.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19It's just everything went, like, a funny colour.
0:01:19 > 0:01:24Especially around the bit that says, "I promise to pay the bearer." Ooh!
0:01:41 > 0:01:43LOCKS CLICK
0:01:43 > 0:01:45HE SIGHS
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Don't you go snapping at me!
0:02:08 > 0:02:11You save that for any forged notes.
0:02:11 > 0:02:15If any slip past me, I want you spitting them out.
0:02:18 > 0:02:22- We need a vehicle.- You can take that off, I get the message.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25- Does that mean we'll get a vehicle? - No, it means I get the message.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29I can't keep borrowing one. We've got to get our own.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31You've got to get me off that shop bike.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Look at me, I'm saddle sore!
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Doesn't show.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37I'm walking bow-legged!
0:02:37 > 0:02:40Large, friendly dogs could walk straight through!
0:02:40 > 0:02:44And what unfriendly dogs could do, I shudder to think.
0:02:44 > 0:02:49Anyway, we manage perfectly well without a vehicle.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51While all the time, I'm offering my nether regions
0:02:51 > 0:02:53as a hostage to fortune!
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Just like your mother.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59And you said last year you'd think about it.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Well, I AM thinking about it.
0:03:02 > 0:03:03Well, while you're at it,
0:03:03 > 0:03:05think about that big wheel of cheese you bought.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Still in there, stinking out the warehouse.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11Releasing its noble flavour.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14They don't like it, they all say it's too hard.
0:03:14 > 0:03:15BELL RINGS
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Oh...
0:03:17 > 0:03:21Ah, Madge's boyfriend. Ha-ha! How are you today, Gastric?
0:03:21 > 0:03:25She sees me, she goes, "Eugh!"
0:03:26 > 0:03:30But she doesn't do it to anyone else.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Shows you how special you are.
0:03:33 > 0:03:37Right. I want bacon and sausage, eggs and beans, please.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Right, and cheese to follow?
0:03:39 > 0:03:42- Cheese?- Yeah, cheese.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45It's all right, we've got plenty, don't panic.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Oh, dear, oh, dear.
0:03:49 > 0:03:50I don't know...
0:04:05 > 0:04:06What's wrong with it?
0:04:06 > 0:04:09You'd better give me another one as a spare, just in case.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25How long are you going to be nasty about it?
0:04:25 > 0:04:29Well, I was thinking, maybe ALWAYS.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32Your brother gets me into more trouble than your mother does.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Have you no compassion?
0:04:34 > 0:04:36His heart is broken!
0:04:36 > 0:04:40Ah, but in fairness, I don't think his head's fully functioning.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44And just remember, who, on their day off,
0:04:44 > 0:04:48- took him out and looked after him? - You call that looking after him?!
0:04:48 > 0:04:50I said take him out and amuse him.
0:04:50 > 0:04:51Not lose him!
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Don't think it was easy!
0:04:56 > 0:04:57He took some losing.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Why do you dislike our Lester?
0:05:00 > 0:05:02I don't dislike your Lester.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05I just dislike your Lester being here.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08He misses his wife.
0:05:10 > 0:05:11I miss mine.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15Oh, don't start.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Oh, come on.
0:05:18 > 0:05:23How can you keep running that iron over me undies and not feel playful?
0:05:24 > 0:05:26HISSING
0:05:26 > 0:05:29It's ten o'clock in the morning. Get real!
0:05:30 > 0:05:34I have been seriously misled about the joys of togetherness!
0:05:49 > 0:05:50Ooh! BELL RINGS
0:05:55 > 0:05:58- Hello, Mavis.- Hello, Granville.
0:05:58 > 0:06:03Oh, I love the way you say, "Hello, Granville". It gets me every time.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05It's just a "Hello, Granville."
0:06:05 > 0:06:09No, it's not, it's the Mona Lisa of Hello, Granvilles.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14So, what have you come in the shop for, some cheese?
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Oh, I'm sorry. Naughty, you shouldn't have said that.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21You get a free pass.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24- What were you doing down there behind the counter?- Oh?
0:06:24 > 0:06:27Well, I was looking for your lost earring.
0:06:27 > 0:06:28But I haven't lost one.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32No, that's because I haven't got you behind here yet.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35- You make me blush! - I've got a cure for that.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37I wish.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41It's down here somewhere, along with that earring you've lost.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Ha-ha, ha-ha.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Come and help me look?
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Someone always comes in.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51I know, it's the grocer's lottery.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55We always live on the edge.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59- Look, we really do need a van, cos I...- Oh, get out!
0:07:05 > 0:07:06It's none of my business -
0:07:06 > 0:07:09this thing between you and Mrs Featherstone...
0:07:09 > 0:07:12I don't see it as a thing.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15It's illegal! I've been kidnapped.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18She doesn't keep me locked up, but it's there.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21You must be very attractive to women.
0:07:21 > 0:07:25Me? I let the hair grow in me ears, I wear long underwear!
0:07:25 > 0:07:28- In summer? - Well, lightweight in summer.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33No, no! You must have something.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36You come out the blue and she makes a beeline for you.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40You're some kind of... honeypot for women.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45You wish to hear my secret fantasy?
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Now we're getting somewhere!
0:07:51 > 0:07:53I wish to drive the Flying Scotsman.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58You won't give it up, will you?
0:07:58 > 0:08:01You've got the secret and you're keeping it.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04I'll tell you what I am doing - I'm toughening up.
0:08:04 > 0:08:08I intend to rid myself of Mrs Featherstone.
0:08:08 > 0:08:12Come along, Mr Newbould. You'll need your car to take me into town.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14See ya.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16See ya.
0:08:20 > 0:08:24So, you want to know the secret of Mr Newbould's power over the ladies?
0:08:24 > 0:08:28I don't know about ladies, I thought it was just Mrs Featherstone.
0:08:28 > 0:08:32Oh! No, no, no. He's got them all over.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34He's known as The Bull down at the bowling club.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38- Bull Newbould?- Mm-hm!
0:08:38 > 0:08:42- I knew he was trying to hold out on me!- Ha-ha!
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Tells me he wears long underwear.
0:08:45 > 0:08:49Oh, no. Jockeys. Practically a thong.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53- Lying old fraud!- He-he!
0:08:53 > 0:08:59Does Mrs Featherstone know about his, er, extra bowling activities?
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Shh, shh! No, no, no, no, you mustn't say a word.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05- She'd kill him! - Hey, his secret's safe with me.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08I'm tight as a drum. My missus calls me The Clamp.
0:09:08 > 0:09:12Anyway, let's get down to it. So, what is this secret?
0:09:12 > 0:09:18Well, it is a little underrated dairy product that I keep for him.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22But if you could keep your mouth shut...
0:09:22 > 0:09:24I'm a clam, me.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28I can only whisper it.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Go on, then. Go 'ead.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Cheese.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35- Cheese?- Shh!
0:09:35 > 0:09:37- Cheese.- Cheese?- Yes.- Oh!
0:09:37 > 0:09:40Is it some sort of special cheese, not ordinary cheese?
0:09:40 > 0:09:45It's all got this powerful effect on...
0:09:45 > 0:09:47certain hormones.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50It's what you said about the Marmite.
0:09:50 > 0:09:51It never worked for me.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54No, that was because you were in such a hurry, weren't you?
0:09:54 > 0:09:56I mean, you wouldn't wait
0:09:56 > 0:09:59until Venus was in configuration with Mars!
0:09:59 > 0:10:02It was the only weekend her mother was away.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Well, you can't push these things.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08There are limits, even to Marmite.
0:10:08 > 0:10:12- But...- Cheese, you will be pleased to hear,
0:10:12 > 0:10:15works any evening after 7pm.
0:10:16 > 0:10:20They, say if you eat cheese late, you can't sleep.
0:10:21 > 0:10:26And I'm saying, if you do eat cheese late, you won't WANT to sleep.
0:10:26 > 0:10:27Oh?
0:10:45 > 0:10:48Er, not yet. I'll tell you when.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51I thought we might take this quiet moment
0:10:51 > 0:10:54to agree some small advance in our relationship.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57Well, it seems to have advanced pretty rapidly to me.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00But I've kept you at arm's length, Mr Newbould.
0:11:00 > 0:11:05Which has always been my custom in the first flush of an entanglement.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Arm's length is fine by me, I'm really quite...
0:11:08 > 0:11:11You've been very good, you've held yourself in check,
0:11:11 > 0:11:14it's not gone unnoticed. And, as a reward,
0:11:14 > 0:11:18I think it's time to release you a little from full restraint.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23- What do you have in mind? - Oh, nothing as far as that!
0:11:23 > 0:11:28No, I thought I might just allow you a few minor shows of affection.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Are you sure? I mean, I'm quite...
0:11:30 > 0:11:33Nothing radical! A peck on the cheek,
0:11:33 > 0:11:35you could take my arm occasionally...
0:11:35 > 0:11:37I don't want you leaping on me!
0:11:49 > 0:11:50< DRILLING
0:11:56 > 0:11:59- Look at me.- Hmm?
0:11:59 > 0:12:01I'm bow-legged!
0:12:01 > 0:12:03I've had a word with Gastric.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05You know he dabbles in second-hand vehicles?
0:12:05 > 0:12:09Well, I've got one coming for us to look at.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Ohh! Oh-ho-ho!
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Hey, all right!
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Don't do that, I don't know where they've been.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19What are you drilling?
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Cheese.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Oh, right, as you do.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Yes, well, they don't like the hard variety,
0:12:27 > 0:12:32so I thought to see how they'd get on with the Yorkshire Swiss kind.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Yeah. Right.
0:12:35 > 0:12:36Swiss.
0:12:50 > 0:12:55- Thank you.- Oh, haven't you got anything smaller?
0:12:55 > 0:12:58- Er, sorry. - It is possible, Mrs Hussein,
0:12:58 > 0:13:01that you have been given a forged note.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04- What would happen then?- I would just have to give it back to you.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07Well, wouldn't that mean that YOU were passing forged notes?
0:13:11 > 0:13:15No, it would mean that I'm refusing to accept it.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34- I could come back later, when you've finished.- Right...
0:13:34 > 0:13:37I think this one's all right, yeah.
0:13:37 > 0:13:38You don't look too sure.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42You never can be too sure, as a grocer,
0:13:42 > 0:13:45with all the wickedness out there.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Oh, you've heard about her at number 14, then?
0:13:51 > 0:13:54- So, I'm busy in the kitchen.... - DRIER WHIRS
0:13:54 > 0:13:58..and the door opens and Eric pops his head round
0:13:58 > 0:14:00and he gives me this look and he says...
0:14:00 > 0:14:03- LIKE ERIC:- "Why don't we eat more cheese?!"
0:14:03 > 0:14:05..slams the door and he's gone!
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Have you had him looked at lately?
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Where would you start?
0:14:12 > 0:14:15Is your Eric sleeping?
0:14:15 > 0:14:17I've no idea.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19He's in the other bedroom.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21He's on punishment detail.
0:14:21 > 0:14:25Oh? Your mother, I say, your mother would be proud.
0:14:25 > 0:14:30What's he done? Is it specific, or just tactical?
0:14:31 > 0:14:33He lost my brother.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Ooh! Shows initiative.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37How did he manage that?
0:14:37 > 0:14:40He left him in B&Q, looking at the lawn mowers.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Eric said he forgot him.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44You can forget people.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46I forget people.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Not in B&Q!
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Some people are easy to forget.
0:14:52 > 0:14:56My third husband was a natural, you could forget him anywhere.
0:14:56 > 0:15:00I used to wake up sometimes in a panic and think, "Who's this?"
0:15:00 > 0:15:02THEY GIGGLE
0:15:12 > 0:15:13HE BLOWS
0:15:13 > 0:15:15RAZOR BUZZES
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Ah! Ha-ha-ha.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30BELL RINGS
0:15:32 > 0:15:37- Ah!- Listen, the only thing I can find for you, at your price...
0:15:37 > 0:15:40- I'll take it.- Well, you'd better have a look at it first.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Well, of course I'll have a look at it.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44You don't think I'd throw money away, do you?
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Well, if you did, it would be on a piece of elastic.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51- You smell of diesel. - Of course I smell of diesel!
0:15:51 > 0:15:55What decent, practical bloke doesn't smell of diesel?
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Ohh! What's that?
0:16:01 > 0:16:03- 25p.- Eh?
0:16:04 > 0:16:09Right, now, put that on, so we don't spoil the surprise.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Come along, yeah.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Right this way.
0:16:13 > 0:16:14Not long now.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Ha-ha-ha.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Does he realise she's clapped out?
0:16:18 > 0:16:19Shh!
0:16:19 > 0:16:23Right, you stay there, won't be a moment.
0:16:23 > 0:16:28Listen, don't say it was clapped out, just say, um,
0:16:28 > 0:16:32it's a good little runner, but needs a bit of attention.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35- Hello?- Shut up, we're coming!
0:16:35 > 0:16:38- Now, did you fill the tank up? - Not for what you're paying!
0:16:39 > 0:16:42I wouldn't overdo it, for a start.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44I should build the fuel up gradually,
0:16:44 > 0:16:46let her get used to the weight.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Right.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51- Hello?- We're coming!
0:16:51 > 0:16:54I'm going to take his bucket off.
0:16:54 > 0:17:00So, I want you to stand by the van and look proud, OK? Right.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02All right, now, stand by.
0:17:02 > 0:17:06I don't want you rushing around the countryside, driving like a lunatic.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10Are you ready? Here comes the surprise.
0:17:10 > 0:17:11- Yes!- Ooh!- Oh?
0:17:13 > 0:17:14Ta-da!
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Hee-hee-hee.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Can I have my bucket back, please?
0:17:26 > 0:17:27No.
0:17:27 > 0:17:32Don't worry about the bodywork. That's just, um, cosmetic.
0:17:32 > 0:17:36- A touch of paint.- Well, it had better be a light touch, Gastric,
0:17:36 > 0:17:38or you'll be through what's left of the metal!
0:17:44 > 0:17:47- More tea?- Sit still.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49You go flying out into that kitchen
0:17:49 > 0:17:51and I don't see you for half an hour.
0:17:51 > 0:17:55- What do you do out there? - I make the tea.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57A person could dehydrate.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00I think you go out there and deliberately dawdle.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02The kettle has to boil.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07Well, I don't see any signs of steam arising from you.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Are you afraid of me, Mr Newbould?
0:18:18 > 0:18:19I wouldn't say...
0:18:21 > 0:18:23But then again, perhaps I would.
0:18:24 > 0:18:25Yes, I would.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28You terrify me.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Excellent.
0:18:31 > 0:18:35- I can sense the progress since we began.- What began?
0:18:36 > 0:18:38When did we begin?
0:18:38 > 0:18:40One moment I was living alone.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Now look at me.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Are those the socks you wore last week?
0:18:49 > 0:18:52Well, they have been washed in the interim.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Those are very old widower's socks, Mr Newbould.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56They are joyless socks.
0:18:56 > 0:19:00They do not say life has regained its sparkle.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03I will not buy sparkling socks.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06Well, you'll have to do better than those.
0:19:06 > 0:19:10That is not one of the 50 shades of grey everybody's talking about.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18HE SIGHS
0:19:18 > 0:19:21- Right, well, how do I get this seat forward?- I don't know.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Well, there's probably a lever down there, I think. Yes, right.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Oh, yeah, got it.
0:19:26 > 0:19:27THUD!
0:19:27 > 0:19:29So, I... Huh?
0:19:29 > 0:19:32Oh, there you are. All right, come on, that way.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Yeah, there you go. You were a bit urgent there.
0:19:34 > 0:19:38Yes, it's on a ratchet, you'll feel it click in.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41What I feel is embarrassed!
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Well, what we need is the manual.
0:19:43 > 0:19:47There should be a driver's manual here somewhere.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50For something this age? It'll be in Latin!
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Ha-ha, in Latin!
0:19:52 > 0:19:57Very good. Um, no, it'll be in the glove compartment, won't it?
0:19:59 > 0:20:04It's a bit, um... Oh, it just probably needs just a screw.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Give it to Gastric, will you?
0:20:06 > 0:20:09Right, um...
0:20:12 > 0:20:17Well, why don't we, er... you know, start her up, eh?
0:20:17 > 0:20:19ENGINE STRUGGLES
0:20:19 > 0:20:20LOUD BANG
0:20:20 > 0:20:21Yeah, she's trying.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23IT STRUGGLES THEN BANGS AGAIN
0:20:23 > 0:20:24She's trying.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26IT STRUGGLES THEN BANGS AGAIN
0:20:26 > 0:20:27She's still trying.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29ENGINE STARTS Hey!
0:20:29 > 0:20:31She's off!
0:20:31 > 0:20:33She's... Yes!
0:20:33 > 0:20:35She's off and running.
0:20:35 > 0:20:39Sounds sweet enough, doesn't it, once she settles down?
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Well, you've got everything here, haven't you?
0:20:42 > 0:20:46Look at this! You've got heating, look, and air conditioning, eh?
0:20:46 > 0:20:50So, whilst I'm in the shop, you know, sweating away,
0:20:50 > 0:20:55you'll be swanning around being like, you know, Mr Cool, yeah?
0:20:55 > 0:20:58Go on, give it a try. Air con, go on.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01- Oh!- Ah, ah!
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Hey, hey!
0:21:03 > 0:21:06- No, that's... - Switch it off! Switch it off!
0:21:08 > 0:21:10- Hey!- Ah! Ah!
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Well, it is cool, isn't it?
0:21:15 > 0:21:18- Freezing!- Yeah.
0:21:18 > 0:21:19Oh, right.
0:21:19 > 0:21:24Anyway, let's, um, let's reverse her out of the yard, shall we?
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Give her a run down the road.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Handbrake off...
0:21:31 > 0:21:36When I said take it off, I didn't mean, you know, TAKE IT OFF, did I?
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Give it to... Gastric?
0:21:42 > 0:21:45- All right, that's it!- What?
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Well, you're buying too cheap.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49- HE TURNS THE ENGINE OFF Rubbish!- Correct.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54Oh! Agh! Agh!
0:21:54 > 0:21:55Agh! Agh-agh! Oh!
0:21:55 > 0:21:59No, no. No! No! Take her back.
0:21:59 > 0:22:00I had this dream -
0:22:00 > 0:22:04leather upholstery, smooth, glossy paintwork.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Not something that looks like a four-wheeled carrot!
0:22:10 > 0:22:12GRUNTS OF PAIN
0:22:13 > 0:22:17You must have another vehicle that you can't get rid of
0:22:17 > 0:22:19that would suit our needs?
0:22:19 > 0:22:20Huh?
0:22:22 > 0:22:24There, look at these noble lines.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26Look at the polish on her.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28She looks all right from front.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31Then again, so does she at number 14.
0:22:31 > 0:22:35Yeah, well, imagine her surprise when you turn up in this!
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Yeah, I can imagine.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50Hey, I never knew that about cheese.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52Oh, the Government keeps it quiet.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55They're worried about overpopulation.
0:22:55 > 0:22:59- So, how much do you want? - Oh, I'll take the whole piece.
0:22:59 > 0:23:00Oh, right!
0:23:00 > 0:23:01Ha-ha!
0:23:01 > 0:23:05Oh, doesn't anybody have the right change any more?
0:23:05 > 0:23:09- Well, I can come back tomorrow. - No, it's OK. I'll check it.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Oh, they've started talking to you now!
0:23:18 > 0:23:21They must know who's their biggest fan.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31I reserve the right to return this if it isn't kosher.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Well, if it's coming back, don't wear it out.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Sign there.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38So I know where it's come from.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41- Well, it came from you, 20 minutes ago!- Oh, ha-ha!
0:23:43 > 0:23:44BELL RINGS
0:23:46 > 0:23:50That thing is going to ruin my love life.
0:23:50 > 0:23:55Most people's love life works perfectly satisfactorily
0:23:55 > 0:23:57on leather upholstery.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Not if you can't even get them inside!
0:23:59 > 0:24:01BELL RINGS
0:24:06 > 0:24:09I hope it's...no-one close.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12- Eh?- The hearse outside!
0:24:13 > 0:24:19OK, OK, so it looks a bit too much like what it was.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22- But it's beautiful. - Pfft! He means cheap.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25It just needs commercialising.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28A few adverts on it, you know, to make it our own.
0:24:28 > 0:24:32Right, so, Gastric, you go and get your tools.
0:24:32 > 0:24:36- Cyril, you will help him, right? - Oh, I was just passing.
0:24:36 > 0:24:40- I really ought to get back... - Oh, don't fight it, Cyril.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42- You've been conscripted.- Oh.
0:24:45 > 0:24:51And apparently, he left his undies behind, with his initials on!
0:24:51 > 0:24:53Well, if you get that close to a man,
0:24:53 > 0:24:55you ought to know what his name is.
0:24:55 > 0:25:00Initials are a bit unnecessary. It's like wearing a number plate.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03Well, I can't see the point of initials.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06If there was a whole chapter, at least you'd have something to read.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09Oh, I can't read in bed. The cat objects.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11I like Eric to read in bed.
0:25:11 > 0:25:15I've always got a spare book ready, just in case he finishes one.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18You should train your husband. I trained all mine.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20What were you training them for?
0:25:20 > 0:25:23Well, I wasn't entering them for anything.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26It's like climbing Everest, you do it because they're there.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Mine was rarely there.
0:25:28 > 0:25:32Which is the nicest thing he ever did for me. Cheers!
0:25:32 > 0:25:34ALL: Cheers! THEY GIGGLE
0:25:44 > 0:25:47It was like catching the wrong bus, when I got married.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50As soon as I saw his initials on his pyjamas,
0:25:50 > 0:25:53I knew who he was really in love with.
0:25:53 > 0:25:57You see more than initials. Some people have tattoos
0:25:57 > 0:26:00where nobody's any business sticking their nib in.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03Eric wanted one. A dagger!
0:26:03 > 0:26:06I said, "Eric, start with something you know.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08"You know, like a pencil with a rubber on the end."
0:26:08 > 0:26:10LAUGHTER
0:26:10 > 0:26:13You can get some that, if you jiggle them about,
0:26:13 > 0:26:15they look like they're moving!
0:26:15 > 0:26:16They're called husbands.
0:26:16 > 0:26:21I think I can honestly say all of mine went to their graves unmarked.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23On the outside, anyway.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30Leroy? How's the shop?
0:26:31 > 0:26:34The new van is fine.
0:26:34 > 0:26:38Well, it's a classic vehicle.
0:26:38 > 0:26:42I've got a few more errands to run, and then I'll be back.
0:27:29 > 0:27:33'Well, we got them to the church on time in the end.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36'Although they looked a bit agitated
0:27:36 > 0:27:40'while I sorted my cardboard from my plastics.
0:27:44 > 0:27:48'I don't know why our Leroy has taken against it.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51'I thought the young were all in favour
0:27:51 > 0:27:52'of plenty of room in the back.'
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Have you got any special offers?
0:28:01 > 0:28:03Yes, I have. Fresh in today.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06- Oh, my favourite kind.- Come on. THEY GIGGLE
0:28:13 > 0:28:18'I wonder if I could interest Mavis in that last bit of cheese.
0:28:19 > 0:28:23'Maybe it does have powerful effects after all. Hee-hee.'