0:00:02 > 0:00:04BELL JINGLES
0:00:05 > 0:00:09- ELECTRONIC VOICE:- Merry Christmas. Me-rry Christmas.
0:00:09 > 0:00:13- Merry Christmas. - He's not pulling his weight, is he?
0:00:13 > 0:00:16They're just ignoring him.
0:00:16 > 0:00:17HE SIGHS
0:00:17 > 0:00:19Right. I'll shake 'em up.
0:00:19 > 0:00:23Right, come on, get him back inside.
0:00:23 > 0:00:25BELL JINGLES
0:00:34 > 0:00:38Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Merry Christmas!
0:00:40 > 0:00:44Hey, I've heard bad things about his Christmas crackers.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46They're damp or something - they don't go bang.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48- Bang!- Argh!
0:00:48 > 0:00:52Plenty more surprises inside Santa's grotto.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55A Merry Christmas to you too, Granville.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18HE YAWNS
0:01:31 > 0:01:33COINS CLINK
0:01:35 > 0:01:37TILL RATTLES
0:01:39 > 0:01:43It's all right - wait for it, wait for it!
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Thank you.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48Ah-ha!
0:01:48 > 0:01:51All right, all right. Calm down, calm down.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53BELL RINGS
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Just... Just...
0:02:01 > 0:02:04What big teeth you've got, Arkwright.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07He's moody cos you bought all these cheap crackers we can't sell.
0:02:07 > 0:02:11Yes, but have you felt the weight of these? They're solid.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14None of your flimsy rubbish, these.
0:02:14 > 0:02:15Oh, they smell musty.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Yeah, well, so does that Mr Hewlett,
0:02:17 > 0:02:19but he's a good customer.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22It's not him, it's his old overcoat.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25They ALL smelt musty.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28I think they were born musty in their day.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30They had no central heating, you see?
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Neither do I.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34You, you're overheated already.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40Come on, let's pull one of these. It'll only cost you 10p.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42No, come on.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Right, there you go.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51Good, solid British workmanship, isn't it?
0:02:51 > 0:02:54How is anyone going to pull these at the dinner table?
0:02:54 > 0:02:56- You're not giving it any welly, are you?- I am!
0:02:56 > 0:02:58POP!
0:03:04 > 0:03:06What sort of pitiful noise was that?!
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Considerate.
0:03:09 > 0:03:14We'll sell these as novelty crackers for those of a nervous disposition,
0:03:14 > 0:03:17guaranteed not to make you jump.
0:03:23 > 0:03:24Left a bit.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26No, not that much. That's it.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Oh!
0:03:28 > 0:03:32You seem to be a smile short of a Merry Christmas, Mr Newbold.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35People keep saying, "Merry Christmas."
0:03:35 > 0:03:39That's because they've only got a partridge in their pear tree.
0:03:39 > 0:03:40I've got a vulture.
0:03:41 > 0:03:45All I know is some people are going to be alone this Christmas.
0:03:45 > 0:03:49Ah, and you're sparing a thought for them? That's very Sally Army.
0:03:49 > 0:03:50Lucky devils.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53My problem is I'm not going to be one of them, unless...
0:03:55 > 0:03:57..unless I can make a break for it.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Make a break for it?! No...
0:03:59 > 0:04:02What, abandon the good widow Featherstone?
0:04:02 > 0:04:06I don't think that's a good idea, Mr Newbold.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08I've made up my mind.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10I'm doing a runner this Christmas.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Oh, no, that's a bad move.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15- Bad move, Mr Newbold.- Why?
0:04:15 > 0:04:19- Well...- Yes, I was wondering that!
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Er, what is your star sign?
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Are you a believer?
0:04:23 > 0:04:25I'm inclined to think there's something in it.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29Well, it brought you two love birds together, didn't it?
0:04:29 > 0:04:30If it did, I want a refund.
0:04:32 > 0:04:36- Oh...- It's Pisces.- It's Pisces.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39Do you know, I actually saw something about that
0:04:39 > 0:04:43this very morning. Pisces, yes, it was.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45It said, oh, yes...
0:04:46 > 0:04:49.."If you're Pisces, stay at home
0:04:49 > 0:04:54"At Christmas time you ne'er should roam
0:04:54 > 0:04:57"To ignore this advice if duty calls
0:04:57 > 0:04:59"Will make your Christmas a load of..."
0:05:02 > 0:05:06I had a dream about you last night.
0:05:06 > 0:05:10And what it was, there was this mysterious figure,
0:05:10 > 0:05:12and it was saying...
0:05:13 > 0:05:17.."Turn again, Mr Newbold.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20"Get thee home!"
0:05:26 > 0:05:28I think he means it.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32I think our Mr Newbold will be heading for foreign parts.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34It's at times like this
0:05:34 > 0:05:37you're supposed to say something encouraging.
0:05:37 > 0:05:42Well, how about I wish both you and Mrs Featherstone every happiness?
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Aw, thank you!
0:05:48 > 0:05:51You can chase her away an' all.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Chase something like that away?
0:05:53 > 0:05:56Be against my principles.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59It's bad for business.
0:05:59 > 0:06:00Looks pretty good for everything else.
0:06:08 > 0:06:12Don't make me too desirable. It'll only unsettle Mr Newbold.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15He does a good unsettled - it's in his eyes.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18- They seem to be looking for something.- Love, possibly?
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Well, he'll just have to wait.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23It could be Man's eternal search for understanding.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26I was thinking more along the lines of the nearest exit.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Well, I can't think why.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31I treat him with every consideration short of matrimony.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34You do have the effect of unnerving people.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37If you've got a talent, use it.
0:06:37 > 0:06:38Credit where it's due.
0:06:38 > 0:06:42I used to be nervous until I gave it up for panic.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44You should learn to be nastier.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47You know I'm always available for advice.
0:06:47 > 0:06:51I think being nervous is good for husbands. It suits Eric.
0:06:51 > 0:06:52He's so much easier to live with
0:06:52 > 0:06:55when he thinks I know more than I do.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58They function better when they're nervous.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01Oh, no, I don't mean better - what do I mean?
0:07:01 > 0:07:02Less demanding.
0:07:02 > 0:07:06Well, I must say, Mr Newbold does seem a bit agitated.
0:07:06 > 0:07:10- Are you too rich for his diet? - He'll be fine.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13You've just got to keep the balance between their fear of you
0:07:13 > 0:07:15and their urge to chase you upstairs.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Has Mr Newbold ever...?
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Not yet, but we'll see what happens
0:07:19 > 0:07:21when I hide his stamp album.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33- What?- What do you mean, "what"?
0:07:33 > 0:07:37- Don't you think you're asking to be stared at?- Listen who's talking.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40What about that thing you're riding?
0:07:40 > 0:07:42I know. It embarrasses me, too.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Go away. I'm busy.
0:07:46 > 0:07:47You're just standing there.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49For a purpose!
0:07:49 > 0:07:53- Not to be chatted up. - Don't flatter yourself.
0:07:53 > 0:07:57- I have fully upped all my chatters for this week.- Go away.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Can I stay if I'm vegetarian?
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Are you vegetarian?
0:08:01 > 0:08:02No, but I'm easily led.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04There's no point hanging around.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06I'm not interested in boy/girl games.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09I think it's only fair to warn you,
0:08:09 > 0:08:10I've got typhoid.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16- What, you're not going to tell me your name?- No!
0:08:16 > 0:08:17Suits you.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22GRUNTING
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Merry Christmas, get a hernia!
0:08:35 > 0:08:39I'm sorry, but there is no way I'm wasting my substance for this.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41You could pull something vital.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43And for what?
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Every Christmas, people die from overeating.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48How big a fool are we going to look if we die from overcrackering?
0:08:50 > 0:08:54Come here. You two, you're a pair of wusses!
0:08:54 > 0:08:56I've seen it coming.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59You've lost your elbow smarts, haven't you, eh?
0:08:59 > 0:09:02Your elbows, your elbows have turned to jelly.
0:09:02 > 0:09:06It's a bone. How can it turn to jelly?
0:09:06 > 0:09:10He's right, feel this elbow. It's a rock.
0:09:10 > 0:09:15Yes, but is it the sensual magnet that it should be?
0:09:15 > 0:09:20When was the last time it pulled any passion your way?
0:09:20 > 0:09:21Hmm?
0:09:21 > 0:09:24- Elbows are a sensual magnet? - You didn't know?
0:09:24 > 0:09:28No, we didn't know, and nobody else knows either.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Oh! You tell that to the ancient Greeks!
0:09:31 > 0:09:36Hey? Oh! To them, it was the G spot.
0:09:36 > 0:09:40The powerhouse to joy and attraction.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Well, I know if you bang it, it makes your eyes water.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46There you are! Yes, that's the clue, in't it?
0:09:46 > 0:09:51Just think of all those nerve endings in there,
0:09:51 > 0:09:55all...waiting to be aroused.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06I passed Mr Newbold in the street.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09He IS nervous. He was talking to himself.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12I said, "Hello, Mr Newbold."
0:10:12 > 0:10:17He said, "Why didn't I take that opportunity to move to Bridlington?"
0:10:17 > 0:10:21When did YOU have an opportunity to move to Bridlington?
0:10:21 > 0:10:24I hope he's NOT thinking of moving to Bridlington.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27I spent my first honeymoon in Bridlington.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30I enjoyed the show at the spa.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34I lost Eric once in Bridlington.
0:10:34 > 0:10:38I doubt it'd work a second time, though.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40I like second times.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42It's the first I usually get wrong.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44I thought that was only me.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47When are you closing, Madge, for the holidays?
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Oh, just Christmas and Boxing Day.
0:10:49 > 0:10:50Oh, it'll be a break for you.
0:10:50 > 0:10:54It will THIS year. We're going to a hotel.
0:10:54 > 0:10:55"We"?
0:10:55 > 0:10:58As in, "Oh, by the way, Mavis, we're going to a hotel?"
0:10:58 > 0:11:03I thought I'd surprise you. We're going to be waited on hand and foot.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06Oh, I don't want anybody waiting on my foot.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12You've heard of Dionysus, haven't you?
0:11:12 > 0:11:14There's a Dinsdale in Travis Street.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16He means the Greek god, Dionysus.
0:11:19 > 0:11:24The worshippers of Dionysus used to hold these, um,
0:11:24 > 0:11:28secret midnight...whoopee sessions.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Of course, forbidden to non-believers.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33So, how do YOU know about it, then?
0:11:33 > 0:11:34Hmm?
0:11:34 > 0:11:41Oh, well, the Grocers Federation hold an annual re-enactment
0:11:41 > 0:11:43somewhere down there near Pontefract.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Just how big is the whoopee?
0:11:51 > 0:11:54You have to be there.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58And what do they do at these, er...whoopee sessions?
0:11:59 > 0:12:02What they used to do is they...
0:12:03 > 0:12:07..nudge each other with their elbows, right...
0:12:08 > 0:12:15..until they reached forbidden heights of...ecstasy.
0:12:23 > 0:12:24- Hey!- Hey!
0:12:26 > 0:12:30- I don't want to go away for Christmas.- We're going.
0:12:30 > 0:12:35- We're going to be spoiled for once. - I don't like hotels.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37There's always some sour face at reception
0:12:37 > 0:12:40who knows you've never been further than Rochdale.
0:12:40 > 0:12:44He really destroyed your confidence, didn't he?
0:12:44 > 0:12:48Well, you're unmarried now, you're not under his thumb any more -
0:12:48 > 0:12:50you're under mine.
0:12:52 > 0:12:56I'm joking. You're a free human being.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Suppose the menu is in French?
0:12:58 > 0:13:01They'll tell us what it is in English.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03But they'll know we'd really rather have chips.
0:13:10 > 0:13:14I hope you're not lying to me about this poor animal we need to rescue.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16We're going there now.
0:13:16 > 0:13:20I can just see it, gratefully licking your hand.
0:13:20 > 0:13:21If it was me, I'd start on your ear.
0:13:21 > 0:13:22Oh!
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Help me out of this thing.
0:13:27 > 0:13:28What are you doing for Christmas?
0:13:28 > 0:13:32Nothing that involves you. Hold this thing still while I get out.
0:13:32 > 0:13:36- Why get out? I could take you home.- In this?!
0:13:36 > 0:13:38OK, I'll drop you off somewhere near.
0:13:38 > 0:13:39What do you want from me?
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Do you really think we're going to have a romance
0:13:41 > 0:13:44when you've got bits of flesh stuck in your teeth?
0:13:47 > 0:13:49I floss!
0:13:49 > 0:13:51I've toyed with Marmite.
0:13:54 > 0:13:58Do you think she's wise, encouraging a man under her bonnet?
0:13:58 > 0:14:00You find them in funnier places than that.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Not if you keep your defences up.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Try that now.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09ENGINE STARTS Oh!
0:14:09 > 0:14:11My hero!
0:14:11 > 0:14:12No problem.
0:14:17 > 0:14:21Oh, look at him. He'd be impossible on white sheets.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26Should you be thinking about men on white sheets?
0:14:26 > 0:14:28At my age, do you mean?
0:14:28 > 0:14:29You may run out of steam
0:14:29 > 0:14:33but the ensuing technical problems are not without interest.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Here we go.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40Dr Proctor's Elbow Restorer.
0:14:40 > 0:14:41There you are.
0:14:41 > 0:14:45Just a few drops, rub them in thoroughly.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Then what magic happens?
0:14:48 > 0:14:50As much as you can handle.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53Once the power of the elbow is unchained...
0:14:53 > 0:14:55HE CHUCKLES ..for £7.95.
0:14:56 > 0:15:00It says here on the bottle, "For strains and bruises."
0:15:00 > 0:15:05Yes, and you'll see why, once your explosion of madness is over.
0:15:07 > 0:15:08- Question.- Go ahead.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11How gullible do you think your customers are?
0:15:16 > 0:15:19I'm still in business - that ought to tell you something.
0:15:22 > 0:15:26Well, we'll grant you points for a nice try.
0:15:31 > 0:15:32Come on.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Oh, er...just a moment, just a moment.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37Am I picking up signals that you don't believe
0:15:37 > 0:15:40in the erotic power of the elbow?
0:15:41 > 0:15:42- BOTH:- Loud and clear.
0:15:42 > 0:15:47OK, I'll tell you what, you hide behind there and you watch.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50Prepare to be amazed.
0:15:55 > 0:15:56There.
0:16:00 > 0:16:01BELL RINGS
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Ah, Mrs Featherstone!
0:16:03 > 0:16:06Welcome to my humble establishment.
0:16:06 > 0:16:10You'd be welcome at mine, Granville, if you play your cards right.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Now, I can't stop, I've got to rush back
0:16:12 > 0:16:15- and arrange Mr Newbold's trimmings. - Ah!
0:16:18 > 0:16:22Um, I've left the list here and I'll come back for it later.
0:16:22 > 0:16:26I'm sorry to rush off, it's against all my inclinations.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43Oh, and they say there's no Father Christmas!
0:16:56 > 0:16:57DOOR OPENS
0:16:57 > 0:17:02MRS FEATHERSTONE: It's only I, Mr Newbold, don't be alarmed.
0:17:02 > 0:17:06I'm sorry I'm late, but it got a bit, er, busy, at the shop.
0:17:13 > 0:17:17What are you sitting on? It looks most uncomfortable.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Oh, this?
0:17:19 > 0:17:24- It's a suitcase.- Yes, yes, I often sit on a suitcase.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26I expect it comes from all those times
0:17:26 > 0:17:29when you had to sit on one to fasten it.
0:17:29 > 0:17:30Must have got a taste for it.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Oh!
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Oh, naughty Mr Newbold!
0:17:46 > 0:17:50When I said come for Christmas, I meant dinner.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Of course, I suppose you could bring your pyjamas with you,
0:17:52 > 0:17:56just in case there are floods and blizzards and you can't get home.
0:18:00 > 0:18:01You'll be away?!
0:18:01 > 0:18:03We're going to a hotel.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06But they're full of germs and...
0:18:07 > 0:18:09..naughty old men.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Oh, it didn't say anything in the brochure.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14It's not my idea.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16I was hoping that we could, er...
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Oh, me too.
0:18:22 > 0:18:27Look, can't you lock Madge in the attic or somewhere?
0:18:27 > 0:18:28Not at Christmas.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32I'll send someone in to feed her.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34She'll only bite them.
0:18:34 > 0:18:39I thought you might be here. I need some help with the packing.
0:18:39 > 0:18:43I can't pack for you because I don't know what you want to take.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46I'm not right fussed about taking anything.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48- This is down to you.- Hmm?!
0:18:48 > 0:18:50It's nothing to do with me!
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Are you sure you're not Pisces?
0:18:54 > 0:18:57I haven't touched a drop all day!
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Looks like I'm going.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12BIRDSONG
0:19:14 > 0:19:15Argh!
0:19:19 > 0:19:22Oh. I thought I was being dragged in by your Leroy.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24No, better luck next time.
0:19:24 > 0:19:28No, come here, sit down.
0:19:28 > 0:19:29Right.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32Now, what do you hear?
0:19:32 > 0:19:34- I don't know why you should be asking me!- Hm?
0:19:35 > 0:19:38No, what do you know about Mr Newbold?
0:19:40 > 0:19:43He's got a bit in the Bradford & Bingley. He once had a parrot.
0:19:43 > 0:19:47His wife left him because of the visions. He's very superstitious.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49- Visions?- Mm-hm.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Whenever he drank too much sherry,
0:19:51 > 0:19:53he regularly saw a Christmas fairy.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57What do you mean - a genuine, all whistles and bells,
0:19:57 > 0:19:59shiny Christmas fairy?
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Mm-hm. Yes.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Although she sometimes looked like Mussolini.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09- With a wand?- Very sparkly.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12He believed that she guided him through that tricky situation.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14He speaks of her still with affection.
0:20:16 > 0:20:22I must get a large bottle of sherry for Mr Newbold.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25But where am I going to find a Christmas fairy?
0:20:31 > 0:20:34What's wrong with your elbow?
0:20:34 > 0:20:35Wrong?
0:20:35 > 0:20:37I was just looking at it.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40Oh, came over you all of a sudden, did it?
0:20:40 > 0:20:41"Oh, I must look at my elbow."
0:20:41 > 0:20:46It's MY elbow, Kath. A guy's entitled to look at his own elbow.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50So why are you looking so guilty about it?
0:20:50 > 0:20:51Oh, give me a break, woman.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55What could possibly be guilty about an elbow?
0:20:56 > 0:20:59Hmm. You've got me there.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02But I believe you could be the first person in the universe
0:21:02 > 0:21:04to find something.
0:21:10 > 0:21:14Here. Right? I want you to take this to Mr Newbold.
0:21:14 > 0:21:18Tell him it's a Christmas thank-you to some of our customers.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21You're either feeling fast or there's a plot here somewhere.
0:21:21 > 0:21:22Oh, no, don't you worry about that.
0:21:22 > 0:21:27Just make sure that he has two drinks, maybe three drinks, right?
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Cos I want him in that festive condition known as...
0:21:31 > 0:21:34.."listening to the fairies".
0:21:34 > 0:21:36I knew it. There's a plot.
0:21:38 > 0:21:39Yes!
0:21:45 > 0:21:47BELL JANGLES
0:21:51 > 0:21:52What?
0:21:54 > 0:21:57Do you like pantomime, Gastric?
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Oh! Who doesn't like pantomime?
0:22:00 > 0:22:04How would you like a leading role? Eh?
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Bright lights, glamour.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Could I be Dick Whittington?
0:22:09 > 0:22:10Well, you haven't got a cat.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14But never mind, come inside,
0:22:14 > 0:22:19I'm sure that we can find something that'll make you shine.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22Yes. GRANVILLE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:22:22 > 0:22:26- How much is this lot going to cost? - Let's stop counting for once.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Push the boat out.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Oh, why am I thinking Titanic?
0:22:30 > 0:22:32We're going.
0:22:32 > 0:22:36Nice surroundings, we'll have all our meals served.
0:22:36 > 0:22:37I'll spill something.
0:22:37 > 0:22:41There'll be a programme of events. Entertainment!
0:22:41 > 0:22:44There'll be some fat bloke trying to kiss you.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Then I'll get you a thin one!
0:22:49 > 0:22:52You said bright lights and glamour.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Yep. That is coming.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57And you will have an electric wand.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59You said a leading role.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02Nobody said a word about a Christmas fairy.
0:23:02 > 0:23:06Well, that's Madge's favourite part, isn't it? Tell him, Leroy.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10Gets her every time.
0:23:10 > 0:23:15- Loves the bit where you save the life of our hero.- Who's our hero?
0:23:15 > 0:23:20Mr Newbold. You're going to change the life of Mr Newbold.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22With the wave of your electric wand.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Is that wise?
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Waving something about that's electric?
0:23:26 > 0:23:28You'll be wired to British Standards.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Your safety is our first concern.
0:23:36 > 0:23:41The open road, Newbold, to some far solitude.
0:23:43 > 0:23:47Just me...and the wilderness.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Or I could go to my sister's.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55Yes, yes, first my sister's,
0:23:55 > 0:23:58then the wilderness. Anywhere but Mrs Featherstone's.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08What... That is frightening!
0:24:08 > 0:24:10That looks terrible. What...
0:24:10 > 0:24:13What are you supposed to be?
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Bog off.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18Don't you recognise the Christmas fairy?
0:24:18 > 0:24:22- She said "bog off" - what's so Christmassy about that?- So? Bog off.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25Oh, nice. Very Christmassy.
0:24:25 > 0:24:29Just get on your bike, otherwise she'll turn you into a frog.
0:24:29 > 0:24:30Now, go on.
0:24:30 > 0:24:34A technical point of order - where's her magic wand?
0:24:35 > 0:24:39Right, you get one wish. Where would you like me to stick this?
0:24:43 > 0:24:44KNOCK AT WINDOW
0:24:48 > 0:24:50KNOCK AT WINDOW
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Remember me?
0:25:15 > 0:25:17Your Christmas fairy!
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Ye gods.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22She's changed.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Heed the fairy's warning!
0:25:24 > 0:25:28Stay home, accept your feet.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33Your fate. Fate.
0:25:33 > 0:25:34Oh, sorry.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17Ugh!
0:26:32 > 0:26:33Turn again, Newbold.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Thrice Lord Mayor of London.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Stick to the script.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43Well, who's interpretating this part?
0:26:43 > 0:26:44Get over there!
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Tell Fairy...
0:26:55 > 0:26:58..I have to do a runner.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Fairy? What fairy?
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Oh, didn't you see the fairy?
0:27:03 > 0:27:04No.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10I think it's best...
0:27:11 > 0:27:13..if I went home.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17Good choice, Mr Newbold.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Go on, read him the last bit.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24Mussolini says hi!
0:27:37 > 0:27:42Is this really the Christmas when our Leroy went vegetarian?
0:27:44 > 0:27:47I can't see HIM giving up the flesh.
0:27:52 > 0:27:56I wish Mr Newbold could see the Black Widow
0:27:56 > 0:27:59as ideal for airing his pyjamas.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03We're not going away.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05She's keeping an eye on Gastric -
0:28:05 > 0:28:09- she found blonde hairs on his collar.- It's a wig!
0:28:09 > 0:28:13- Is she giving him trouble? - In buckets.
0:28:13 > 0:28:14And he's loving it.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21Merry Christmas, Mavis.
0:28:23 > 0:28:25Merry Christmas, Granville.