0:00:07 > 0:00:09Hi, Leroy.
0:00:11 > 0:00:12Who was that?
0:00:12 > 0:00:14No idea.
0:00:14 > 0:00:18She's from Hexthorpe. You met her at Brenda's party.
0:00:18 > 0:00:20You got your hair fast in her earring.
0:00:20 > 0:00:22I was leaning forward to admire her...
0:00:24 > 0:00:25..necklace.
0:00:25 > 0:00:28You slid your nose all the way down her blouse.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32She exaggerates.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Look, not a mark.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38In my day, you were lucky if you found time
0:00:38 > 0:00:40to get your nose in a book.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Come here, let me have a look.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Yes, I can see it. Look.
0:00:46 > 0:00:4836 Double D.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42What time is it? I'll have to get back to the shop.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47You're already here, dopey.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Well, in the flesh anyway.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54I know how you feel though. Been twisting and turning all night.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57I've heard you twisting customers.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59That is called creative shopkeeping.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04They enjoy it really, you know.
0:02:05 > 0:02:09It makes them think they're a vital part of the economy.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Oh, so it's a public service?
0:02:12 > 0:02:15Yes. I like to think so.
0:02:15 > 0:02:19Anyway, it's the thought of Madge leaving and taking Mavis with her.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Stay cool. They haven't left yet.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26No. But she's planning on it though, isn't she?
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Yes, I know.
0:02:32 > 0:02:33That's how I feel.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Go on, go back to bed Arkwright.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Have a lie-in.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46It's only me! Are you decent?
0:02:50 > 0:02:53I asked if you were decent. I got no reply.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57You came in anyway.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Well, cautiously, with my eyes half shut
0:02:59 > 0:03:02ready to close them instantly had you been flaunting your masculinity.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06It's a bit early for a flaunt.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08As you can see, I'm quite decent.
0:03:09 > 0:03:13Tell me, at what time would one have to come to catch you otherwise?
0:03:15 > 0:03:17This is not an ambition.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19I'm merely trying to establish a benchmark
0:03:19 > 0:03:21to avoid any embarrassment.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25Why do you think I would slop about the place half dressed?
0:03:25 > 0:03:27- It's not to my taste.- Good.
0:03:27 > 0:03:31The late Mr Featherstone was only too ready to slip out of his things.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Claimed he was saving me the washing.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48You'll never guess what I found here beneath the counter.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57- Hello, Mavis.- Hello, Leroy.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02Yes, I was just trying to convince this young lady
0:04:02 > 0:04:06about the advantages of not leaving the area.
0:04:07 > 0:04:08Your tie's twisted.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Probably my fault. I grabbed it when I felt the shock.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Yes, there's a live wire down here.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17There was a minute ago!
0:04:19 > 0:04:22Control him, Mavis. Don't let him blow a fuse.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27My tie is always at your disposal.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30I think I tightened your knot.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32You do every time!
0:04:35 > 0:04:39Listen, you've got to talk your Madge out of leaving.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43She's got her mind set on that little business.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48I know. Wait a minute, she's superstitious, isn't she?
0:04:48 > 0:04:52We could tell her that Mrs Duckett up the road is psychic,
0:04:52 > 0:04:58and she says no because she's had this message from the other side
0:04:58 > 0:05:03saying, "Don't go near that little business."
0:05:03 > 0:05:04Eh? Hmm?
0:05:04 > 0:05:06I'll never remember all that.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09Don't worry, I'll write it down for you.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11You know what she's like.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15The only one who could ever talk sense to our Madge was Grandpa.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18She loved her grandpa.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21And I suppose now we need him, he's dead.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23I don't think he did it on purpose.
0:05:28 > 0:05:29Delphine.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Do you think we're well matched?
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Don't be so silly, of course we are. Absolutely. No question.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38I'm glad we've got that cleared up.
0:05:41 > 0:05:42Well?
0:05:43 > 0:05:45What do you suggest we do?
0:05:45 > 0:05:47About what?
0:05:47 > 0:05:50What are your plans for our day?
0:05:50 > 0:05:51Our day?
0:05:51 > 0:05:53All day?!
0:05:53 > 0:05:57Don't let me make all the decisions. Exert yourself.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59What would you like to do?
0:06:02 > 0:06:05I thought you might like to take me out to lunch.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Why don't I take you out to lunch?
0:06:09 > 0:06:10What a good idea.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14You see, you can do it.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Right. Where do I dump this?
0:06:20 > 0:06:24Crab apple jelly you've had since Guy Fawkes were a lad.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Dump? Dump?
0:06:28 > 0:06:31That's been much maturing very nicely.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33It's probably ready for sale now.
0:06:39 > 0:06:40Let's see. Give it here.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Home-made crab apple jelly.
0:06:44 > 0:06:45Lovely.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48You won't find quality like this for sale at Harrods.
0:06:48 > 0:06:52Last time you brought it out it didn't sell. It was too sour.
0:06:52 > 0:06:57In the trade we call that a refreshing astringency.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00It's probably matured. It's much sweeter now.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Here you are.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06There you go. Try that.
0:07:10 > 0:07:11- Cheers.- Cheers.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Oh, that's sour.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21It could take the enamel off your teeth, that.
0:07:21 > 0:07:25Just think how they'll love it when the taste wears off.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33We don't want you to move.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37We've got used to your bad-tempered ways.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40Thank you. I shall miss your mouth too.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42But it's an opportunity.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44You said that when you got married.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47I only got married the once.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Everybody can make a mistake.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51More than once if you play your cards right.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53How is Mr Newbold these days?
0:07:53 > 0:07:57Responding nicely to a firm hand. He's taking me out to lunch.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59He looks so slim.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Does he have much of an appetite?
0:08:01 > 0:08:04Nothing I can't handle.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06And how's he handling you?
0:08:06 > 0:08:09It's a big jump from stamp collecting straight to you.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11I don't allow big jumps.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14And anyway, he's not ready. We've not done with mortal fear.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20- Right.- You said, did we have a photo of Grandpa?
0:08:20 > 0:08:25Yes, I want to see this one man who had such influence over Madge.
0:08:27 > 0:08:31Oh. It's a lot of hair for one face, isn't it, eh?
0:08:31 > 0:08:34You could get two faces in there.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38- Where's Gastric?- You're asking me?
0:08:38 > 0:08:40I don't know where I am half the time!
0:08:41 > 0:08:44- Where should he be? - He should be here.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47- He said he was checking the car. - And he's probably checked it.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50Then off he goes, leaves the keys in, engine running.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Charming!
0:08:52 > 0:08:56You get him flustered. You know you do.
0:08:56 > 0:08:57You're always barking at him.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00You have to. They're so unreliable.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16I'm shocked.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19That you should think that you have ever been misled
0:09:19 > 0:09:24by any product that has been sold from this establishment.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27It feels more like every product.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29But hey, no hard feelings.
0:09:29 > 0:09:33We understand it's your job to sell and ours to resist.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35- To be rock hard.- You see this?
0:09:37 > 0:09:39This is me stone face.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Nobody gets any rubbish past...
0:09:44 > 0:09:47Me stone face.
0:09:47 > 0:09:51All right. You don't want any Old Mother Hemlock's crab apple jelly?
0:09:51 > 0:09:54All right. Fine. Thank you very much. Good day.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Hey, hang on a minute.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Aren't you going to tell us it's good for heart disease
0:10:02 > 0:10:04or vitamin deficiency?
0:10:04 > 0:10:07And not to mention the magical effects
0:10:07 > 0:10:09it would have on our love life.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14- Funny you should mention that, because...- Forget it.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18No sale. Not this time.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Told you. Stone face.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38I've just had a funny experience.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Lucky you. I get one all the time.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43She could have run me over.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45That's the one. All the time.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48Do you think she were trying to tell me something?
0:10:48 > 0:10:50You can't tell them anything. It never gets through.
0:10:50 > 0:10:54They've got this anti-missile shield. It's impenetrable.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58Maybe she were playing with me.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01I like it. My Madge with a sense of humour.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Oh, they can smile.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Even Mrs Featherstone can smile.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08But behind it...
0:11:09 > 0:11:11..there's this thing...
0:11:13 > 0:11:15..and it's drawing me in.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Waste not want not.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26They said that in the old days, didn't they?
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Here we go. Look at that. Right, now.
0:11:41 > 0:11:46- Mrs Featherstone.- I can't stop. I've got Mr Newbold outside.
0:11:46 > 0:11:47Well, bring him in.
0:11:47 > 0:11:51No, let him wait outside, worrying about what you and I are up to.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55- We're not up to anything.- Well, I'm ready when you are, Granville.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00He's taking me out to lunch. I don't know what he has in mind for after.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02A girl has to be so careful.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06Have you never had the urge, Granville?
0:12:07 > 0:12:12I think it's all that stuff that they put in the water, you know.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14No. No, to take me out to lunch.
0:12:14 > 0:12:18I usually snatch a bite behind the counter.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Oh, you wicked rogue.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22You know how to tempt a girl.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25No, you know, snack in one hand, busy with the other.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27There you go again.
0:12:27 > 0:12:31You'd be very cramped behind this counter, Mrs Featherstone.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34You'd be surprised where a widow of my experience can fit.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Good Lord, is that the time? Look.
0:12:38 > 0:12:43Time? You've still a little time before Mr Newbold snatches me up,
0:12:43 > 0:12:45but I don't know how long I can keep him at bay.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48He's out there now. His hormones raging.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53- Have you any of them...- No.- Yes.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Yes.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Hey, old witch's recipe?
0:13:06 > 0:13:08He's struggling now. We shook him up.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Can you believe he'd believe any muffin would fall for that?
0:13:13 > 0:13:17The old witch's recipe? You don't see that down at the Co-op.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23All I can say is, he deserves it.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27Old Mother Hemlock's crab apple jelly.
0:13:27 > 0:13:31She was famous, you know in the Don Valley.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34People used to come from miles around.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40After overindulging on this stuff,
0:13:40 > 0:13:43the witches used to throw wild parties.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Naked.
0:13:45 > 0:13:46By moonlight.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48In the forest.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Naked? In the forest?
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Must be strong stuff.
0:13:54 > 0:13:58Did they do this moonlight thing regularly?
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Every second Tuesday.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03There wouldn't be a moon every second Tuesday.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07They brought their own.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12These were ladies, you know, with extraordinary powers.
0:14:13 > 0:14:17Old Mother Hemlock once lifted Rotherham 40 feet into the air.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21Of course, it was a lot smaller in them days.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27And you know all this because?
0:14:27 > 0:14:30Witches used their corner shops.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34Witches gossiped and grocers kept records.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37And you've seen these records?
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Yes, in the Grocers Museum,
0:14:39 > 0:14:43where you can actually read a weekly order of a witch
0:14:43 > 0:14:45by the name of Miserable Meg.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49If she was going to naked raves in the forest,
0:14:49 > 0:14:51what would she be miserable about?
0:14:51 > 0:14:54You ride on a broomstick for a couple of hours and see how YOU feel!
0:14:56 > 0:14:58I thought witchcraft was illegal.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Yes, but they used to claim they were Avon ladies.
0:15:05 > 0:15:09You may well ask, what difference Old Mother Hemlock's recipe
0:15:09 > 0:15:12makes to this otherwise ordinary product.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Let me guess. As if we didn't already know.
0:15:18 > 0:15:22I bet we're talking astonishing improvements to our emotional lives.
0:15:22 > 0:15:23No, let him finish.
0:15:23 > 0:15:27I've nothing against astonishing improvements to my emotional life.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30Well, me neither. If they work.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34In fact, I think I could say you'd be looking at guaranteed
0:15:34 > 0:15:37repeat custom if there was any damn chance they'd work.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Does this stuff work?
0:15:41 > 0:15:45George Clooney. Need I say more?
0:15:46 > 0:15:49- Really?- On toast every morning.
0:15:50 > 0:15:54Benedict Cumberbatch, he leans more towards a muffin.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56What's in this recipe of Old mother Hemlock's?
0:15:56 > 0:15:59It's a secret. She took it with her.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02- To her grave?- No, to Chesterfield.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07They owed her money so she bent their spire.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21- Have you decided yet? - What are you having?
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Why don't you tell me?
0:16:23 > 0:16:26If I get it wrong you'll growl at me.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Growl?
0:16:28 > 0:16:30And that's in a good mood.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Don't be silly, we're an item.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35- Why would I growl at you?- Why?
0:16:35 > 0:16:38You don't need a why, just a target.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40I think you're frightened of me.
0:16:40 > 0:16:45I freely admit you keep me on the edge of panic.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47There you are, you see. We were meant for each other.
0:16:47 > 0:16:52Now, why don't you tell me what you see me choosing to eat?
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Me.
0:17:07 > 0:17:08Say hello to Grandpa.
0:17:10 > 0:17:11Needs more hair.
0:17:13 > 0:17:17I've sold six jars of that stuff to a complete stranger.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Yet, Eric and Cyril are still playing hard to get.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22What are you looking for?
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Dr Proctor's additive.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27I'll nail those two yet.
0:17:27 > 0:17:28IS there a Dr Proctor's additive?
0:17:29 > 0:17:31There is now.
0:17:31 > 0:17:35And if anybody asks? What does it consist of?
0:17:36 > 0:17:38A trade secret.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41Available only to grocers of the third mystery...
0:17:41 > 0:17:44..and above.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Do you think grocers go to heaven?
0:17:53 > 0:17:55If there's a sale on!
0:18:03 > 0:18:07Right, now, the gentleman who just left,
0:18:07 > 0:18:11he doesn't need this little reservoir of magic.
0:18:11 > 0:18:15He'll be fine with just his crab apple jelly.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18Romance is heading his way.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21And why is it heading his way?
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Because he is a believer.
0:18:23 > 0:18:28He believes in the power of Old Mother Hemlock's recipe.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Told you. A muffin.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Hey, we shouldn't laugh.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45Whereas you more cynical types,
0:18:45 > 0:18:47you unbelievers,
0:18:47 > 0:18:49you will need this.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51Which is what?
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Dr Proctor's additive for nervous lovers.
0:18:55 > 0:18:56Nervous?
0:18:58 > 0:18:59Who's nervous?
0:19:08 > 0:19:09How much?
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Well, you saw it.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17Midweek, and they were fairly busy.
0:19:17 > 0:19:18It's a nice little business.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23- I don't like the area. - You don't know the area.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25I know I don't like it.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27You didn't like here when we first came.
0:19:27 > 0:19:31- I missed the parrot.- What parrot?
0:19:31 > 0:19:35Mr Griffiths liked me to call in and talk to his parrot.
0:19:35 > 0:19:36You're barmy.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38I'll still be barmy if we move.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41And what about Gastric?
0:19:41 > 0:19:45- Won't you miss Gastric? - Fat lot there is to miss.
0:19:45 > 0:19:49He walks off and leaves the car unattended.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Perhaps he got called away. It could have been an emergency.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54He is an emergency.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58I wish Grandpa was here.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01He'd tell you not to make a move at your time of life.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05Don't you give me advice. You talk to parrots.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07It made more sense than you.
0:20:09 > 0:20:10£14 for that?
0:20:12 > 0:20:15One single drop is all you need and there must be what,
0:20:15 > 0:20:17100 drops in there.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19That's less than a penny a pop.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23And what does one do with a single drop?
0:20:24 > 0:20:28You add it to a teaspoonful of crab apple jelly...
0:20:30 > 0:20:32..and then you wait.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36At £14 a bottle, who wants to spend a load of time waiting?
0:20:37 > 0:20:39You said hair, you've got hair.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Pull it back a notch, will you?
0:20:46 > 0:20:47What's he doing?
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Don't ask.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53He's waiting for you to ask.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56There'll be a plot.
0:20:56 > 0:21:00He said you add one drop and then you have to wait.
0:21:00 > 0:21:04I was going to ask him what exactly would we be waiting for.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06The trigger.
0:21:06 > 0:21:11The trigger that sets this dynamite combination fizzing and working.
0:21:13 > 0:21:18That rockets you and your chosen one into a romantic orbit.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Hang on.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28We pay for crab apple jelly
0:21:28 > 0:21:31and Dr Proctor's additives for swinging lovers,
0:21:31 > 0:21:33and now you tell us we need a trigger.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37Yes, but the trigger comes absolutely free.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42In fact, you've probably got one at home already.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Any Frank Sinatra album.
0:21:59 > 0:22:05What I really had in mind was you to be Grandpa's ghost.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08I know what you had in mind. You can do your own dodgy work for once.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10No, there's nothing dodgy about it, is there?
0:22:10 > 0:22:14All you had to do was to let Madge catch a glimpse of you,
0:22:14 > 0:22:16you know, dressed like this.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18No, no.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20What we've got to do is let Madge
0:22:20 > 0:22:22catch a glimpse of you dressed like this.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Yes, I know.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30So, what will I have to do?
0:22:30 > 0:22:34As soon as Madge is driving past you have to make sure
0:22:34 > 0:22:38that she sees you standing here alone.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Where are you going?
0:22:40 > 0:22:44I shall be here until Madge drives past.
0:22:44 > 0:22:48So if you're here when she goes past, how come I'm alone?
0:22:49 > 0:22:53Because I'm not here, am I? You can't see me.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56No-one can see me, except Madge.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59I'm losing this somewhere.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Once she passes,
0:23:03 > 0:23:05I will go and hide
0:23:05 > 0:23:09so that you can stand here alone.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Let's get on with it.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13What are you hiding for?
0:23:13 > 0:23:16It's because I don't exist, do I?
0:23:16 > 0:23:20I'm not here. I've never been here.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Are you with me?
0:23:23 > 0:23:25How can I be with you if you're not here?
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Do you believe in ghosts?
0:23:30 > 0:23:32I've never seen one.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34You have now.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39You're looking at one. You're speaking to one.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42Well, if they're all like you
0:23:42 > 0:23:44there's going to be some tricky shopping going on over there.
0:23:46 > 0:23:52Listen, all you've got to remember is when I've gone...
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Your Leroy'll get the business.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57- Eh?- I'll still be a customer, no problem.
0:23:59 > 0:24:03No, it won't be a problem for you, will it?
0:24:03 > 0:24:06I'm glad that you're taking it so calmly.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Well, we've all got to go sometime.
0:24:09 > 0:24:16I love your unshakeable steadiness in the face of my mortality.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18We'll give you a good send-off.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21I expect your Leroy will have a looser arm than yours
0:24:21 > 0:24:22on the refreshments.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25He better not, otherwise....
0:24:26 > 0:24:29What are we talking about? Let's stick to the point.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Madge is going to come galloping up here
0:24:32 > 0:24:34and she's going to say to you, she's going to say,
0:24:34 > 0:24:37"Who was that man standing next to you?"
0:24:37 > 0:24:43And you are going to say, "There was no man standing next to me."
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Correction. I think I'm losing it everywhere.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53Why are we just driving round?
0:24:53 > 0:24:57Maybe we're not driving round. Maybe I'm lost.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Well, it wouldn't be the first time.
0:25:02 > 0:25:03- Ay up.- Right.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16What's that old fool waving at?
0:25:24 > 0:25:27She ignored me in daylight.
0:25:27 > 0:25:31Wait till she sees Grandpa in the dark.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Have you thought you might scare her to death?
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Really?
0:25:37 > 0:25:39No, that's too much to expect.
0:25:41 > 0:25:45All right, never mind. Switch the lights off and we'll give it a test.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54I told you. You're scaring me to death.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01That's Madge's door.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04Behind that door is a woman I could care about.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06If only she'd stop thinking I were a wally.
0:26:08 > 0:26:12Don't go all lonely hearts and dreamy on me, will you?
0:26:12 > 0:26:16It's romantic. First time I've ever been with her in the dark.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23Listen, you won't be with her at all if she leaves the area.
0:26:25 > 0:26:30Now, we've got to make sure that she listens to Grandpa's warning.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32- Right.- Right.
0:26:32 > 0:26:33I never had a grandpa.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37- You must have had a grandpa.- No.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40He said he were only looking after Grandma for a friend.
0:26:43 > 0:26:47Oh... Look, save your sad stories, will you, for Madge.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Just check the light's working.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54Argh! That's scary!
0:26:54 > 0:26:55You know it's only me.
0:26:55 > 0:26:59It's not the "only me" you want to meet in the dark. Switch it off.
0:27:04 > 0:27:08I can't see where we are now. Put your torch back on again.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10You just asked me to switch it off.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Well, put it on again. This time I won't look.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Right, there.
0:27:16 > 0:27:20Hey, dustbins. Let's make a noise with them.
0:27:20 > 0:27:24- That'll attract Madge's attention to the back door.- Right.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27DUSTBINS CLATTER
0:27:33 > 0:27:36I've come back from the grave.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Don't leave.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40SCREAMING
0:27:40 > 0:27:42Oops, that's not Madge's door.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45You are a wally!
0:27:50 > 0:27:51FRANK SINATRA: # Come fly with me
0:27:51 > 0:27:54# Let's fly, let's fly away... #
0:27:56 > 0:27:59Eric, turn that thing down!
0:28:02 > 0:28:06Well, I've had my five minutes in the spotlight.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09Didn't get a lot of applause.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14Some of the ladies round here can drain your battery.
0:28:17 > 0:28:20Good job there were no police about.
0:28:20 > 0:28:23They could have had me for no red light at the rear.