0:00:05 > 0:00:09I always think how well you look, hatless amid the broccoli.
0:00:09 > 0:00:12It's mainly cabbage.
0:00:12 > 0:00:15I don't think that seriously modifies my observation.
0:00:15 > 0:00:18Is he attending to you, Mrs Hussein?
0:00:18 > 0:00:20Not as well as I'd like.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23Well, she comes right out with it.
0:00:23 > 0:00:27Could I point out that this is only a starter sample
0:00:27 > 0:00:29of the options available?
0:00:48 > 0:00:50LEROY YAWNS
0:00:55 > 0:01:01I'm not giving the till any money this morning, so if it's listening,
0:01:01 > 0:01:06it should understand that I'm merely walking past,
0:01:06 > 0:01:09on my way to another errand entirely.
0:01:18 > 0:01:19Ah!
0:01:23 > 0:01:26GRANVILLE CHUCKLES Gotcha! In you go.
0:01:26 > 0:01:27Right, I...
0:01:27 > 0:01:29I said, "In you go".
0:01:31 > 0:01:34In you...
0:01:34 > 0:01:35In!
0:01:38 > 0:01:40This till has got to be retired.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Ow!
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Serves you right. You should get a new one.
0:01:51 > 0:01:55Your Great Uncle Arkwright is living in there somewhere.
0:01:55 > 0:01:56It's just a till!
0:01:59 > 0:02:01GRANVILLE COUGHS
0:02:01 > 0:02:03And to think you only used to believe in money.
0:02:03 > 0:02:08The spirit of the till will not reveal itself to you because...
0:02:08 > 0:02:10GRANVILLE COUGHS
0:02:10 > 0:02:12..you're young, and you think you know it all.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17Right, what am I having for me breakfast?
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Gastric, YOU are supposed to tell US.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Not round here. He sells you stuff he wants to get rid of.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Good morning, Gastric.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33- Morning. - Look at this.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Fresh kippers, there, look. A gentleman's breakfast.
0:02:35 > 0:02:39- And that is fresh from the smokery. - You see?
0:02:39 > 0:02:40I'll take a pair.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45I can pick the bones out me teeth while I'm pondering.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Deep thoughts?
0:02:47 > 0:02:50Why not? Did you think I were thick?
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Never. Not once.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Even when you thought Colchester were a lung infection.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Colchester. I'm told me Uncle Willie had it.
0:03:00 > 0:03:01- Did he get better? - No.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Well, he probably DID have it, then.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06I'll tell you what I've got - problems with that Madge.
0:03:06 > 0:03:07I'm at a crossroads.
0:03:07 > 0:03:11- I'm in the dark.- Well, I think we can help you with that.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Well, why would you bother? I've already bought two kippers.
0:03:14 > 0:03:18Gastric, everything's not about money.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26You bring your problems in here, you know, and I like that.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29You feel you're in the dark? Right.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33- We have the answer.- I'm listening. - Here it is.
0:03:33 > 0:03:38One solid steel all-weather torch with a wrist strap
0:03:38 > 0:03:43with flashing capabilities for emergencies, batteries not included.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Thank you. Right.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Are you sure this butter's fresh?
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Mm?
0:03:51 > 0:03:52GRANVILLE SIGHS
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Yes, it's perfectly fresh.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Oh.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05There was poor Gastric,
0:04:05 > 0:04:07looking for a bit of sympathy, and what does he get?
0:04:07 > 0:04:08A flashlight.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11The man said he were in a dark place.
0:04:11 > 0:04:15Mentally! It's Madge. He's worried she might be leaving.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18I'm worried she might be leaving if she's taking Mavis with her.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22He's concerned that he's getting nowhere with Madge.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Well, he should take her out more often, shouldn't he, eh?
0:04:27 > 0:04:31Can you name one single night when he's ever taken her out?
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Eh? No!
0:04:33 > 0:04:37Well, he's got no excuse now, because he got a torch!
0:04:40 > 0:04:41And do you know what you said to me?
0:04:42 > 0:04:44"The bathroom needs new tiles."
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Is that so terrible?
0:04:46 > 0:04:48I was trying to kiss you at the time!
0:04:49 > 0:04:54I had both hands full with your dinner. You pick a hell of a time.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57In days gone by, you would have put down the plates.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Today, I'm just part of the furniture.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01If you're sulking because of how long it is since
0:05:01 > 0:05:03you've had a polish, then you can forget it!
0:05:06 > 0:05:08You used to look at me, and it was like...
0:05:08 > 0:05:10..a light bulb going on.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12I'm talking 200 watts.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Are we going into town or aren't we?
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Nowadays, I'm lucky if I get 40.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21I mean, how much excitement can you get from 40 watts?
0:05:21 > 0:05:23Stop bragging. You peak at 30.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32Go for it. Up your game, now.
0:05:32 > 0:05:33Invite her out.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Tonight.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38To be honest, I have trouble getting past, "Hello, Madge".
0:05:38 > 0:05:40I'm OK as far as, "Hello, Madge".
0:05:40 > 0:05:42- Do you want me to come with you? - Yes.
0:05:42 > 0:05:46No. He's got to do this.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Tell her you want to take her somewhere nice.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51A little token of appreciation for all of the...
0:05:51 > 0:05:54- Ferocious rollickings she gives him. - Mm.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57It gets so you nearly enjoy it.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00It's like being wrapped in warm nettles.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Tell her we're all going out posh tonight,
0:06:05 > 0:06:07and you want to take her with us.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Does that come straight after "Hello, Madge," or do I have to...?
0:06:09 > 0:06:13Just...will you go?!
0:06:13 > 0:06:15And how is Mrs Roper?
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Oh, it's our 40th next month.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20Oh, you must be getting used to each other by now, then.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23People ask me, "What's the secret?" And I say, "It's simple.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25"The man has to be in charge."
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Oh!
0:06:27 > 0:06:28Is Mrs Roper aware of that?
0:06:28 > 0:06:31Oh, you don't tell her. You go about it crafty.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33And you might, if you're really cunning,
0:06:33 > 0:06:36go as far as letting her think that SHE'S in charge.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39Well, you seem to have pulled that one off, Mr Roper.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Well, is there anything else?
0:06:41 > 0:06:43No, no, you're fine.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45You don't get to 40 years without learning a few tricks.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48No, that's true.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Oh, that'll be £5 for the kippers then, please.
0:06:54 > 0:06:59Oh, thank you. Right.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Did Mrs Roper get her torch?
0:07:01 > 0:07:05- Torch?- Yes, last time she was in, she said she wanted a torch
0:07:05 > 0:07:09for emergencies, and, well, I hadn't got one in at the time.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Emergencies? I handle the emergencies.
0:07:11 > 0:07:15She probably thinks that you've noticed that she needs a torch
0:07:15 > 0:07:19for emergencies. I mean, you being, you know, in charge.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22Yeah, that's true. She relies on me.
0:07:22 > 0:07:23Of course.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Well, after 40 years, I expect you get like that, don't you?
0:07:26 > 0:07:29You know, practically knowing each other's thoughts.
0:07:29 > 0:07:30Yes, you do.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Have you got a torch in now?
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Funnily enough, I got some in specially, yes.
0:07:35 > 0:07:40There you are. That's a solid steel all-weather torch with a wrist strap
0:07:40 > 0:07:43and flashing capabilities for emergencies, batteries not included.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47- I'd better take one. - Decisions - I like that.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49I like that - shows that you're in charge.
0:07:49 > 0:07:53Right, so that's £15 for the torch, £5 for the kippers -
0:07:53 > 0:07:55that's exactly £20.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Well done. You just owe me for the batteries.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00GRANVILLE HUMS
0:08:05 > 0:08:08You two really are twitchy.
0:08:08 > 0:08:12Have you thought about Doctor Proctor's nerve tonic?
0:08:12 > 0:08:13No!
0:08:13 > 0:08:18Hey, this is too serious. We're not buying any rubbish.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Oh, that IS serious.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Be gentle with us. Go easy for once.
0:08:22 > 0:08:26You sold us an ice cream, we only came in for advice.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28It's no good appealing to his better nature.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32He's never known the perils of matrimony.
0:08:32 > 0:08:33GRANVILLE CHUCKLES What?
0:08:33 > 0:08:36You two only have to deal with one housewife.
0:08:36 > 0:08:41Me, I have to deal with at least 20 housewives a day.
0:08:41 > 0:08:45If you want any advice about how to handle wives,
0:08:45 > 0:08:47you have come to the right place.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51- We're listening. - But, hey...
0:08:52 > 0:08:54..no Doctor Proctor's, eh?
0:08:54 > 0:09:00The trouble is, with you two, your wives are taking you for granted.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05Now, they wouldn't do if they thought that
0:09:05 > 0:09:07you were seeing another woman.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11- BOTH:- She'd kill him!
0:09:13 > 0:09:16I don't mean a real other woman.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19What I mean is, you get a friend of yours to put on a wig,
0:09:19 > 0:09:21and just dress up a bit.
0:09:22 > 0:09:27- That's a big bit!- Where do we find somebody as loopy as that?
0:09:33 > 0:09:34Uh-uh!
0:09:35 > 0:09:39Then, I'm sorry, gentlemen, we do not carry one in stock.
0:09:39 > 0:09:43You're just going to have to look up your long list of acquaintances.
0:09:43 > 0:09:44Thank you.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51- BOTH:- Newbold!
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Oh, is he not in?
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Duty calls him elsewhere at the moment, Mrs Featherstone.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Can I be of assistance?
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Are you qualified for the mature person?
0:10:13 > 0:10:16You always make me feel as if I'm involved with a toy boy.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21I didn't mean, "Can I be of that much assistance?"
0:10:21 > 0:10:24I've never been happy disclosing my needs to persons of your generation.
0:10:24 > 0:10:25You're always very polite,
0:10:25 > 0:10:28but God knows what you get up to on the internet.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Is there any specific reason you don't like me attending to you?
0:10:32 > 0:10:35I have seen you covered in trollop,
0:10:35 > 0:10:37up to your eyebrows in trainee hussies.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Not recently, Mrs Featherstone.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42I'm chasing a vegan.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Are there any left?
0:10:46 > 0:10:49You could do worse than model yourself on Mr Newbold.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52He is a man of impeccable self-restraint.
0:10:53 > 0:10:54Damn near soporific.
0:10:56 > 0:10:57Don't be shy of asking me.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59What are friends for? What can I do for you?
0:11:03 > 0:11:06- Tell him. - I'm telling him!
0:11:06 > 0:11:08I'm choosing the words.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13What if...
0:11:13 > 0:11:17our wives got the idea that we were showing an interest
0:11:17 > 0:11:18in another woman?
0:11:19 > 0:11:23But of course, on account of the mortal danger it would involve...
0:11:28 > 0:11:31..we can't afford to get mixed up with a REAL other woman.
0:11:31 > 0:11:35So, we need to be seen, if only at a distance,
0:11:36 > 0:11:39..in the company of, shall we say...
0:11:42 > 0:11:44..a strange woman.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48In which case, your help would prove invaluable.
0:11:50 > 0:11:51I already have a strange woman.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57And I doubt whether you'd want one as strange as that.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00We need an illusion of a woman.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Oh, she's no illusion.
0:12:03 > 0:12:07- Woman enough to get the rumours circulating.- Mm.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09But, hang on...
0:12:10 > 0:12:12..I'm getting an idea here.
0:12:14 > 0:12:15What you need...
0:12:16 > 0:12:17..is some chap.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Go on.
0:12:20 > 0:12:25It's a lot to ask. He'd have to be very well disposed towards you.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28- An absolute jewel. - Top of the heap.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Someone willing to play the part...
0:12:33 > 0:12:35..of a lady.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Now, don't dismiss it out of hand.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Oh, no.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45I realise it's a big step.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50And where are you likely to find an idiot like that?
0:12:58 > 0:13:00No!
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Absolutely not!
0:13:07 > 0:13:09I don't really need a torch.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13You need a proper restaurant.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18You can't take Madge and Mavis to some greasy spoon.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21I know it's not that you lack the nerve, but really.
0:13:22 > 0:13:23Thank you.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26Ah! Oh! Ah!
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Yes, but if I'm paying,
0:13:30 > 0:13:35you know that my digestive system can't handle expensive.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37I'm told this restaurant's reasonable.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40Huh. I shan't enjoy it.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43I'll be wondering about how you're getting on minding the shop.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46But I'm not minding the shop.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49I'm going with you. I've invited a young lady.
0:13:49 > 0:13:50Well, who's minding the shop?
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Take a deep breath, listen to me...
0:13:59 > 0:14:01..can't we close early, for once?
0:14:04 > 0:14:06You see what he thinks?
0:14:06 > 0:14:07Well, what do YOU think?
0:14:08 > 0:14:10I'm with him.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19GRANVILLE HUMS
0:14:19 > 0:14:24Oh! By the look of you two, this is not happy hour.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Old Newbold won't do it.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28He refuses flatly to go girlie.
0:14:28 > 0:14:32No problem. You do it yourselves.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34You become your own other woman.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38One of you goes female,
0:14:38 > 0:14:44and then you take turns so that you can both be seen out
0:14:44 > 0:14:46with another woman.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Would I want to be seen out with him?
0:14:50 > 0:14:53Hey! I don't fancy you that much, either.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Listen, you're not going to get married,
0:14:56 > 0:15:00you're just doing it to start a rumour, aren't you?
0:15:00 > 0:15:02All right, I'll tell you what -
0:15:02 > 0:15:05we'll toss a coin for who goes female first.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Right.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10Arkwright, can I borrow a coin?
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Thank you. I shall return it.
0:15:12 > 0:15:16Right, I'm going to toss the coin, you call.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Loser goes first.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22- Tails. - Heads.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Oh!
0:15:25 > 0:15:27GRANVILLE CHUCKLES
0:15:27 > 0:15:28Hello, sweetie.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31CYRIL LAUGHS
0:15:34 > 0:15:37Come away. It's locked and bolted.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Not to mention locked and bolted.
0:15:41 > 0:15:42GRANVILLE GRUNTS
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Oh, you've overloaded the money belt.
0:15:45 > 0:15:49I'm not leaving my innocent money to get into the clutches
0:15:49 > 0:15:50of evil toerags.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55- Who parked that thing there? - I've no idea.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58What's he doing now?
0:15:59 > 0:16:02He's telling Arkwright to keep an eye on the shop.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05Don't ask. Right, I'll see you at the restaurant.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15- Hang on a minute.- Oh, now what? - It's all right.
0:16:15 > 0:16:16- No, I'll be back in a flash. - Oh!
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Oh, my first customer.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32What a pity he's badly bent.
0:16:32 > 0:16:33Ah! Oh!
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Only a temporary...
0:16:36 > 0:16:40Listen, if you see anybody going to the shop, give them a whistle
0:16:40 > 0:16:43and get them back over here, cos I've stocked you well up.
0:16:43 > 0:16:44I'm on a power trip.
0:16:46 > 0:16:50And if they look half kettled, sell them a torch.
0:16:50 > 0:16:54- I'll torch them to death.- Yes! - Trust me, I'm on a roll.- Good.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57Now, any problems, give me a call, all right?
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Or I could call Leroy, save you the trouble.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Straighten up. You're walking like your elastic's gone!
0:17:18 > 0:17:22This is as straight as it gets without doing some serious damage.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26- Get in! - Oh!
0:17:29 > 0:17:30Can we get the old gentleman a chair?
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Well, what's anybody having?
0:17:45 > 0:17:46A coronary.
0:17:48 > 0:17:53Every time I see these prices, my money belt gives a twinge.
0:17:53 > 0:17:57You're out of touch. How long is it since you last went out for a meal?
0:17:57 > 0:18:02I'll tell you how long it's going to be before I go out for the next one.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Well, you only live once.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06You can't afford twice!
0:18:06 > 0:18:09MONEY BELT CREAKS Oh!
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Do you live in town, Beth?
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Just on the outskirts.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15She's a vegan.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Still, I don't see why they can't let her into town!
0:18:20 > 0:18:24I only mention it to explain why we'll be having our own table.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26You wouldn't want to be sat next to a couple of people
0:18:26 > 0:18:28crunching through salad, would you?
0:18:28 > 0:18:30So, what will you be having?
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Oh... My favourite salad.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Oh, isn't love grand?
0:18:36 > 0:18:38How long have you been on salad?
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Since I showed him the benefits.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44I can see where he sees the benefits.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49And what can we get you people?
0:18:49 > 0:18:50A mortgage!
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Could you give us a couple more minutes?
0:18:54 > 0:18:57- Certainly. - Give me a hand, will you?
0:18:57 > 0:18:58I've got to release this thing.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01Oh, yes, thank you.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Excuse me.
0:19:03 > 0:19:04MONEY JINGLES
0:19:09 > 0:19:11CREAKING
0:19:11 > 0:19:12That's better. Thank you.
0:19:14 > 0:19:15Thank you.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18They'll all be at the restaurant.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21It'll give you a chance to show them how close we're becoming.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24They should know already. You keep telling them.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27There's nothing like them witnessing your show of affection.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30"Show"? How much of a show?
0:19:30 > 0:19:34Well, just the usual courtesies. I don't want you mauling me.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Much can be achieved by the right expression.
0:19:40 > 0:19:41Just not the one you're wearing now.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49I know him from some place.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Stop staring, it's rude.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54There you go again. You hate me, don't you?
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Not always.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02Go on. Tell her.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05What, already? We haven't even eaten.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07I was saving it for later.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Tell me what?
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Gastric doesn't want you to leave the area.
0:20:12 > 0:20:17Nobody wants her to leave the area. I keep telling her.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Mrs Duckett says the omens are wrong.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23I keep reminding her what happened when she went to Bridlington.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25I only went for a day.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27Exactly. If you can't get a day right,
0:20:27 > 0:20:29where do you get the nerve to try forever?
0:20:29 > 0:20:34Oh, go on, girl! I love it when you're roused.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37Thank you. I'll have the squid.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41Hey, you do know that a squid has eight arms?
0:20:42 > 0:20:46Given the right circumstances, I can do a very good impression.
0:20:46 > 0:20:47I know!
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Who's that with Cyril?
0:20:58 > 0:21:00And why did he bother?
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Oh, he'll look a bit sick when he sees us here.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05Don't you start gossiping,
0:21:05 > 0:21:08otherwise you'll get him into trouble with his wife.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10He's looking for trouble, bringing her here.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13She must be some brazen slapper.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Who was that?
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Just a neighbour. Probably his auntie.
0:21:36 > 0:21:37Take your glasses off.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40What, and be recog...
0:21:40 > 0:21:41..recognised?
0:21:43 > 0:21:45"Oh, look, there's Eric dressed as an old bag."
0:21:45 > 0:21:48Stop right there. Forget that notion.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50I wouldn't be caught dead with an old bag.
0:21:50 > 0:21:54You're my escort for the evening, and therefore, you are...
0:21:56 > 0:21:57..beautiful.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03Give over, will you? You're creeping me out.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Ooh, well!
0:22:06 > 0:22:09What a coincidence, seeing you people here.
0:22:09 > 0:22:13Mr Newbold's always whisking me off for a little dolce vita.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Softening me up, I fear.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18It makes you wonder what they have in mind.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Ooh, ooh... GRANVILLE STRAINS
0:22:32 > 0:22:33Your father's weird.
0:22:33 > 0:22:34Yeah.
0:22:34 > 0:22:35I've noticed that.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38I can see where you get yours from.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40What? You think I'm weird?
0:22:40 > 0:22:44You came to the library dressed as a banana.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Only because my gherkin suit were at the dry cleaners.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52We'll get the word out now. She'll spread it.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54What if people come over here?
0:22:54 > 0:22:56How are you going to introduce me?
0:22:56 > 0:22:58What am I called?
0:22:59 > 0:23:01- Vera.- Bog off!
0:23:04 > 0:23:05That's a wife's name.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08We're having an affair here, a hot fling.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10I ought to be something more...
0:23:10 > 0:23:12exotic.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14You're getting carried away, hey?
0:23:14 > 0:23:17You're going over the top again.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19I'm seeking authenticity.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21It's not just the dress, you know.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23I need to...
0:23:23 > 0:23:24feel the person.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28OK. It's...
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Dolores.
0:23:33 > 0:23:34Feel that?
0:23:38 > 0:23:39Will you be able to spell it?
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Why would I want to spell it?
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Dolores likes to cover all the angles.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45Maybe she's a perfectionist.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47More like obsessive.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50Oh, well, forgive me if Dolores is becoming too much of a bother!
0:23:54 > 0:23:55Crab apple jelly.
0:23:55 > 0:24:00- Sorry?- You sold me crab apple, a boat-load of crab apple jelly.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04Oh, yes. That's right. Well, tell your friends,
0:24:04 > 0:24:07and tell them to hurry, because stocks are limited.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10"The old witch's recipe", you said.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13Oh, yes. Excuse me, won't you? Just a moment.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Yes, that'll be Mrs Duckett.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18She pulled it off the old psychic internet.
0:24:18 > 0:24:22"Guaranteed to revitalise your romance", you said.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24Mm-hm?
0:24:24 > 0:24:25Does that look revitalised?
0:24:28 > 0:24:31I feed her bucketsful, and for what? Nothing.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34I'll tell you what I do get, malice.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Did you get the additive?
0:24:36 > 0:24:40Oh, yes, yes. You sold me Doctor Proctor's additive.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42I've been lobbing drops in her every mouthful.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45I see. And did you wait for the trigger?
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Nobody mentioned a trigger.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Oh, well, that's it, isn't it?
0:24:50 > 0:24:52You forgot the trigger.
0:24:52 > 0:24:57Now, I tell you what, you go back to her, with my blessing,
0:24:57 > 0:24:59take her home.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02She will be more than you can handle
0:25:02 > 0:25:07when she hears any Frank Sinatra album.
0:25:07 > 0:25:11- So, Frank Sinatra's the trigger? - Yes.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Take her home, put the music on,
0:25:13 > 0:25:16but make sure you're holding on to something firm. Right?
0:25:19 > 0:25:21THEY LAUGH
0:25:25 > 0:25:27What are you doing under the table?
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Is this you staring at my legs?
0:25:33 > 0:25:34You dropped a napkin.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Well, there's no point in showing your affection under there.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Let them see it in your eyes.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44Now, start with a bit of yearning.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Up your game, man. Go for passionate.
0:25:51 > 0:25:52And madam would like?
0:25:54 > 0:25:58I think I'll start with a ballotine of free-range chicken,
0:25:58 > 0:26:01with a maple-infused duck.
0:26:02 > 0:26:03How much?!
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Oh! Ooh...
0:26:05 > 0:26:08CREAKING AND GRANVILLE STRAINS
0:26:09 > 0:26:11What's your father doing?
0:26:11 > 0:26:13My head in.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15CREAKING
0:26:15 > 0:26:16GRANVILLE SIGHS
0:26:17 > 0:26:21I suppose it's worth it if Madge is staying, hey?
0:26:21 > 0:26:23- Who said I would stay?- Shut up!
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Hello, Mavis!
0:26:28 > 0:26:30Hello, Granville.
0:26:33 > 0:26:37- Well, I must say, I thought that was delicious. - ROMANTIC MUSIC
0:26:37 > 0:26:39# Once I get you up there... #
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Oh, hey! This is him.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Mr Cupid with his wonder jelly.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Oh... Mm...
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Oh, hey up!
0:26:55 > 0:26:58- This is a one-way jelly, you know. - Oh, sorry. No, I...
0:27:00 > 0:27:01Tart!
0:27:02 > 0:27:04I... Hey!
0:27:07 > 0:27:09DOOR CREAKS
0:27:19 > 0:27:21Kath.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23I know who I am.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25Who the hell are you?
0:27:25 > 0:27:27You're usually in bed.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30Go on, explain yourself.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32I'm not giving you time to think.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34I want you to lie to me spontaneously.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36But you should be in bed!
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Any other time, you'd have been in bed.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41With your back to me.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44I don't know you any more.
0:27:45 > 0:27:46Who are you?
0:27:48 > 0:27:50Dolores.
0:27:51 > 0:27:52Dolores?
0:27:52 > 0:27:55Couldn't you have picked something a bit more...?
0:27:55 > 0:27:57Oh, all right, then! Vera.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59Vera. Yeah, better.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Although...
0:28:02 > 0:28:04..I do feel more of a Susan.
0:28:06 > 0:28:07Susan.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09I tell you what, Susan,
0:28:09 > 0:28:13Next time, let me do your face, eh?
0:28:23 > 0:28:27'I'm going to have to review some prices round here
0:28:27 > 0:28:28'to pay for that bill.
0:28:31 > 0:28:35'I must say, that Mavis goes well with squid.
0:28:37 > 0:28:42'I don't think our Leroy's going far with that vegan.
0:28:43 > 0:28:46'I'd better get him some supper ready.
0:28:46 > 0:28:49'He'll be starving after that salad.'