0:00:00 > 0:00:05*
0:00:27 > 0:00:33Don't forget the sausages. First thing Eric wants when he gets back is bangers and mash.
0:00:33 > 0:00:38Yes, got that. And turn on the immersion heater,
0:00:38 > 0:00:43put Eric's slippers by the fire, hot water bottle in Eric's bed...
0:00:43 > 0:00:50His dressing gown on the radiator! Heavens, you're going on holiday, not returning from hospital!
0:00:50 > 0:00:55To Eric, the best thing about going away is coming home again!
0:00:55 > 0:01:00All year, he looks forward to his holiday just so he can come back!
0:01:02 > 0:01:07Why on earth have you put your home address as the Savoy Hotel?!
0:01:07 > 0:01:14..Ah, well, that's Eric's idea, cos he thinks that wherever we go the guests are going to say,
0:01:14 > 0:01:16"Ooh, goodness me! Savoy Hotel!"
0:01:16 > 0:01:22Anyway, if we lose the cases, they'll return them to the Savoy,
0:01:22 > 0:01:27but they might not be so keen if it's to 28 Sebastopol Terrace!
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Hello. Well, you're off, then, eh?
0:01:30 > 0:01:34You've missed Eric. You were meant to be here at 8.30.
0:01:34 > 0:01:39Well, on my way here, I thought number 18 was on fire.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42Not that again?! How does he get away with it?!
0:01:42 > 0:01:50- HE was at MY door yesterday, asking if the house was on fire?- Were you cooking?- Yes, actually. Bacon.
0:01:50 > 0:01:54He can smell bacon frying at 100 yards away(!)
0:01:54 > 0:02:00He's straight in with a bucket of water, then, next, he's up at the table,
0:02:00 > 0:02:05- onto his third or fourth breakfast! - Well, he didn't get any of MY bacon.
0:02:05 > 0:02:11- But I gave him a bit of fried bread. - Oh, that's just idle tittle-tattle!
0:02:11 > 0:02:19It isn't! Some people in the street lock their door and draw their curtains before putting the pan on!
0:02:20 > 0:02:25Here, let me do that. I'll help you while you put the kettle on.
0:02:25 > 0:02:30- I wasn't going to put the kettle on.- I'll give you a hand.
0:02:30 > 0:02:35And a sandwich, if you've got one to spare. Just a little one.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37What on earth have they got...?
0:02:37 > 0:02:41Oh, dear me! Hup... Come on...
0:02:43 > 0:02:46- Here, hold this.- What?
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Thank you.
0:02:53 > 0:02:58Now, don't worry. I'll keep an eye on the property while you're away.
0:02:58 > 0:03:03- Um, I've given Miss Rumbelow the key.- But you usually give it to ME!
0:03:03 > 0:03:10- Yes, but the last time I gave you it...- Well?- I heard all about those wild parties!
0:03:10 > 0:03:15Wild parties?! Good grief! One night I had a couple of friends in.
0:03:15 > 0:03:21A couple of friends?! I got £9.50 back on the empties!
0:03:22 > 0:03:24The mind boggles at what went on!
0:03:24 > 0:03:31It wasn't one of THOSE parties! Just me and the lads. You didn't find a black sock?
0:03:31 > 0:03:36No. But which of your "lads" wears a corset?!
0:03:37 > 0:03:44Ah... Oh, that'll be Harry Benkitt. Yes, it's a surgical corset. He's got a bad back.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48He's got a bad front, as well! I also found a bra!
0:03:48 > 0:03:52..Well, I've always wondered about Harry.
0:03:52 > 0:03:59- You know you've got a loaf in there and some cheese?- I'll sort that out when you've gone.
0:03:59 > 0:04:06- I- shall.- I- have the key. - Yes, Miss Rumbelow will be in every day to see everything's OK.
0:04:06 > 0:04:11- Oh, you won't forget, will you? Jaws will need feeding.- Jaws?- Yes.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Jaws! Hello, darling!
0:04:16 > 0:04:23Now, a small teaspoon twice a day. It says once daily on the packet, but don't do that.
0:04:23 > 0:04:30He'll eat it all at once, then not know what to do with himself for the rest of the day.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33- I'll take him to my house. - No, he'll be lost.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37It'd be difficult for him to be "lost" in there!
0:04:37 > 0:04:40But he's also company for Peter.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43- Peter?- Yes, Peter.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46Now, you pull this down every evening,
0:04:46 > 0:04:49- and he'll, "Cuckoo!"- Yes, well, I...
0:04:49 > 0:04:51But...if Peter doesn't come out,
0:04:51 > 0:04:54don't try to force him. And...
0:04:55 > 0:05:00..whatever you do, don't have a look to see what's happened,
0:05:00 > 0:05:06because Eric did that once, and he cuckooed right into his face!
0:05:06 > 0:05:12- They didn't speak to each other for a week!- You DO need a holiday!- Yes!
0:05:12 > 0:05:20- We haven't had a holiday for three years.- Come, now! Last year you had ten days in Majorca!
0:05:20 > 0:05:21Well...
0:05:21 > 0:05:29Yes, you came back with castanets and a sombrero, saying, "Hasta la vista!" all day long!
0:05:29 > 0:05:35- Really, Constable! - What's up? "Hasta la vista" simply means "How's your father?!"
0:05:35 > 0:05:39Look, promise you won't tell Eric about this,
0:05:39 > 0:05:44- but, um, we didn't get as far as Majorca.- How far DID you get?
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Gatwick.
0:05:47 > 0:05:52But you were away for ten days! Where did you go?
0:05:52 > 0:05:55The airport lounge.
0:05:55 > 0:06:00- You spent ten days in the airport lounge?!- Yes, well...
0:06:00 > 0:06:05No, we had one day in Reigate. But, actually, it wasn't too bad at all,
0:06:05 > 0:06:10because we had a nice little corner next door to the snack bar,
0:06:10 > 0:06:14and we got friendly with the woman in the bookstall.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16 We missed the plane.
0:06:16 > 0:06:23- Why didn't you come home?! - Eric didn't want people to know. He's terribly sensitive.
0:06:23 > 0:06:29- He doesn't like being laughed at. - They wouldn't laugh at him missing the plane!
0:06:29 > 0:06:31They did the year before!
0:06:37 > 0:06:40You see?! YOU'RE laughing now!
0:06:41 > 0:06:49I don't know! Ten days in Gatwick! Said he was out every night dancing flamenco with the bullfighters!
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Oh! ..He didn't, did he?!
0:06:52 > 0:06:59Yeah, down at the pub. Showed us how they drink wine, how they trickle it over you...
0:06:59 > 0:07:02He poured his pint over his head!
0:07:03 > 0:07:07Oh, dear! Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be rude!
0:07:07 > 0:07:11 So, that's why you're not going by plane this year?
0:07:11 > 0:07:15Yes, that's right. Eric says he's sick of Gatwick.
0:07:15 > 0:07:20This year we're making a coach tour of the West Country.
0:07:20 > 0:07:26- That's nice.- Yes. - But if your brother isn't here soon, you'll be on your own!
0:07:26 > 0:07:34- No, I'm meeting Eric at the station. No slip-up this time!- Two years running!- Now, wait a minute!
0:07:34 > 0:07:40- It wasn't Eric's fault. It can happen to anyone!- Really(!) Didn't you get up in time?
0:07:40 > 0:07:46Yes, we were up at six. Eric even had the tickets and passport under his pillow.
0:07:46 > 0:07:53And he had the alarm set for four, five AND six o'clock. We didn't have to leave till ten.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56Did you get lost on the way?
0:07:56 > 0:07:59No, that was the year before.
0:07:59 > 0:08:06- No, this time, we didn't actually...leave.- Wait! Was that when you lost the luggage?
0:08:06 > 0:08:09- I'LL tell it.- I- was there! - So was I!
0:08:09 > 0:08:12Oh, of course you were, Corky! Yes!
0:08:12 > 0:08:16Well, you see, we were all ready to set off when...
0:08:21 > 0:08:23- That's the big stuff, right?- Fine.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Now the medicine chest.
0:08:26 > 0:08:31- Plasters.- Plasters.- Cotton wool. - Check.- Aspirins.- Aspirins...
0:08:31 > 0:08:35- Tummy pills.- Tummy pills. - Indigestion pills.- Hub-a-hobee.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38 Miscellaneous pills.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Miscellaneous?
0:08:41 > 0:08:44 We'd better not catch that!
0:08:44 > 0:08:47There's a lot of that about on the Continent!
0:08:47 > 0:08:51"Oh, Fifi, I've got the miscellaneous again!
0:08:52 > 0:08:56- "There'll be no dan-song ce soir!" - Hee-hee!
0:08:56 > 0:09:00You've covered everything apart from trench foot!
0:09:00 > 0:09:02- Scarf!- Scarf?
0:09:02 > 0:09:04It can be very cold in Manchester.
0:09:04 > 0:09:12We're not going to Manchester! We get on the plane, get strapped in, oing-oing-oing, couple of drinks...
0:09:12 > 0:09:19- We don't get off while it stops. We're NOT going to Manchester! - We did last time.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23- Yeah, but it was foggy, and that was coming back!- Yes.
0:09:23 > 0:09:29And you had on an open-neck shirt and khaki shorts! You nearly got pneumonia!
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Scarf!
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Right! OK...
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Scarf. Right.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39- Television!- We're not taking that!
0:09:40 > 0:09:44- Have you switched it off? - Of course I have.
0:09:44 > 0:09:49- Unplugged it from the mains? - That doesn't matter!- It does.
0:09:49 > 0:09:56They can still detect it, even if it's switched off. As long as it's still plugged in at the mains.
0:09:56 > 0:10:03No, they don't just go round like that. They look, too. They can see see the aerial, can't they?
0:10:03 > 0:10:08They don't know it's an aerial. I've had it camouflaged. Look.
0:10:14 > 0:10:18- Good idea, isn't it? North, south, east and west.- Marvellous(!)
0:10:18 > 0:10:26That's why we haven't been able to get a picture. Not from the north, south, east or west!
0:10:26 > 0:10:30They don't just slap an aerial on there haphazardly.
0:10:30 > 0:10:38That dipole is directionalised so we can get a beam that bounces off the Mendip Hills.
0:10:38 > 0:10:45I don't know who's getting our picture. Some Hausfrau on the Continent will be sitting there,
0:10:45 > 0:10:50looking at Emmerdale Farm and trying to figure it out.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54I don't blame 'em for that!
0:10:54 > 0:10:58That's why I've never paid the licen... Well, one of the reasons.
0:10:58 > 0:11:02- I'll go and switch it off. - All right.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05- And the aerial!- Righto!
0:11:05 > 0:11:07OK. Now, come on. Chop chop!
0:11:08 > 0:11:15- Tickets?- They're in the carrier bag. - Go and get them cos we haven't got much time.- OK. Give us the key.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Ah, that's in my purse.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Where's your purse?
0:11:21 > 0:11:24TOGETHER: It's in the carrier bag!
0:11:24 > 0:11:26That's marvellous(!)
0:11:26 > 0:11:30- YOU left the carrier bag in there! - Oh, MY fault, is it?!
0:11:30 > 0:11:36It's not MY fault! I said I'D look after the keys and tickets. Right?
0:11:36 > 0:11:43- And YOU said, "No,- I- will, so they won't get lost!" - They're NOT lost. They're in there!
0:11:43 > 0:11:50- Where's the spare key?- I gave it to Corky so he can look after the place.- Well, let's find him!
0:11:50 > 0:11:55- You go round the back, I'll check the front.- Where'll he be?!
0:11:55 > 0:12:01He's on duty, isn't he? So, we check the Dove And Partridge, the cafe, the chip shop...
0:12:02 > 0:12:05..the bakery... OK?
0:12:05 > 0:12:10Oh, and check that new Indian restaurant. He's mad on vindaloo.
0:12:12 > 0:12:17Thank you, madam. Thanks very much. I'll look at it again tomorrow.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Hello? Hel-lo?
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Hello?
0:13:07 > 0:13:11Typical! They've gone off and left their baggage.
0:13:11 > 0:13:16Oh, well. Better to lose it here, I suppose, than at the airport.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18There we go.
0:14:06 > 0:14:12Let's see... I can let you have 40 gross, pink, with frills at the bottom.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15..FBL.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Fell off the back of a lorry.
0:14:17 > 0:14:21Well, you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours.
0:14:21 > 0:14:25Do unto others before they do you. You know what I mean.
0:14:25 > 0:14:31But if you don't order it now, you won't get it next week. Hold on.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Somebody's just walked into the office.
0:14:34 > 0:14:38It's YOU. I thought you had a phone of your own.
0:14:38 > 0:14:42- I have. It's in the house. - Best place for it.
0:14:42 > 0:14:46- If- I- had a phone, that's where I'D keep it.
0:14:46 > 0:14:53Hello. Let's make it tomorrow, then, for lunch. I'll call Mr Witherspoon right away. Yes. Thanks. Bye.
0:14:54 > 0:15:00- Just a moment!- This is a public box! Nobody's more entitled than...!
0:15:00 > 0:15:07- I've got three calls to make! - But this is an emergency! We've had our luggage stolen!- Luggage?- Yeah!
0:15:07 > 0:15:12- We left two cases in the drive... - What a silly place to leave cases!
0:15:12 > 0:15:17You should keep valuables in the house...with your telephone!
0:15:17 > 0:15:21The house is locked and we haven't got a key!
0:15:21 > 0:15:28Well, another thing. When they put a lock on your door, make sure they give you the key!
0:15:28 > 0:15:30That's HER responsibility.
0:15:31 > 0:15:37- OK. You left your suitcases in the drive and they've gone?- Two of them.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Dustbin men could've taken them.
0:15:40 > 0:15:44The dustbin men? THEY wouldn't take our luggage.
0:15:44 > 0:15:48Oh, I dunno. I've seen your luggage! BEEPING
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Hello. Hello? Mr Witherspoon?
0:15:50 > 0:15:55Mr Ackersmith here. No, no. I'm in head office. Yes, that's right.
0:15:57 > 0:16:02I see. Later? Oh, right. I'll give him a call, then. Right. Bye. Thanks.
0:16:02 > 0:16:09- Let me phone. It's an emergency. The police...- OK, be quick. I'm trying to run a business here.
0:16:09 > 0:16:14- Sorry.- It's all right.- Right, I want "A - L", don't I? Police.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17Eh? Listen, just dial 999.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19- Eh?- 999.
0:16:19 > 0:16:24No, I want the LOCAL police. A pal of ours is a constable there.
0:16:24 > 0:16:30Listen, d'you want to call the police or d'you just want a social chat?
0:16:30 > 0:16:33- I'll get the big boys.- 999.- 999. - PHONE RINGS
0:16:33 > 0:16:36I never touched it.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Hello.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45It's for you!
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Hello.
0:16:48 > 0:16:53Agnes, how many times have I told you not to call me at the office?!
0:16:53 > 0:16:56I'm in the middle of a board meeting.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah...
0:17:02 > 0:17:07I tell you what - ring me in half an hour, on my private line. Right? OK.
0:17:07 > 0:17:11I'll just be able to do it. Now, let's see...
0:17:11 > 0:17:16- If anybody wants me, you can get me at that number.- Yeah, OK.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18I'll tell them, um, Mr Ackersmith...
0:17:19 > 0:17:24Wait. Supposing the house where that is... Shall I wait till...?
0:17:24 > 0:17:29- The station booking hall. - Is that your head office?
0:17:29 > 0:17:33I'm sorry, miss! Sorry, that box is out of order.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36I'm sorry. I know he took the sign off,
0:17:36 > 0:17:41but since all the government cutbacks on the Post Office,
0:17:41 > 0:17:46they don't have enough "out of order" signs to go round.
0:17:46 > 0:17:52So, he's taken it to another box and left me to tell you it's out of order.
0:17:52 > 0:17:58- PHONE RINGS - You see? You tell them and they won't take any notice of you!
0:17:58 > 0:18:02Hello. This box is out of order. Doo-doo-doo-doo!
0:18:02 > 0:18:08There's no telling them! They...! I'll report it to the police!
0:18:08 > 0:18:11That's what - I'll report it to the police.
0:18:12 > 0:18:149...
0:18:14 > 0:18:159...
0:18:18 > 0:18:20..9.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Hello... Ye... No!
0:18:25 > 0:18:30No, never mind about the fire and the ambulance. Yeah, the police.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Yes... Hello, we've had a big robbery.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Sykes.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39S-Y-K-E-S.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42 Well, we were going on holiday...
0:18:42 > 0:18:49- SHOUTING: - No, I'm speaking from a telephone booth in Sebastopol Terrace.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53The number? Well, it's...
0:18:53 > 0:18:56603...
0:18:56 > 0:19:01No, that's Mr Ackersmith's head office. At the station boo...
0:19:01 > 0:19:04Look, the BOOTH isn't lost! My...
0:19:05 > 0:19:09FORTIES-STYLE GRAMOPHONE RECORD PLAYS
0:19:09 > 0:19:12MUSIC CONTINUES
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Oh!
0:19:29 > 0:19:31Oh, hello! Had a nice holiday?
0:19:31 > 0:19:37Why are YOU in OUR house using up our winter stock of food?!
0:19:37 > 0:19:40Those sausages would've gone off!
0:19:40 > 0:19:43They were TINNED sausages!
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Ah, there's an explanation for that.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49- If you...- Won't you ask me in(?)
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Eh? Oh, yes, sorry. Mind the bags.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Oh, that's where they are!
0:19:56 > 0:20:02You're lucky I was passing. You'd left them outside, so I brought them in for safety.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05Then, as I was here, suddenly...
0:20:05 > 0:20:08the fridge door swung open.
0:20:08 > 0:20:12"Hello, hello, hello!" I said. "Who's in there?"
0:20:12 > 0:20:14And then, to my horror... Eh?
0:20:14 > 0:20:17Never mind about all that.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20We've only got an hour to catch the plane.
0:20:20 > 0:20:24Here's the other case. Where's your brother?
0:20:24 > 0:20:31- Oh! He's looking for YOU! Now we'll have to look for HIM! - He can't have gone far.
0:20:31 > 0:20:38- He goes 100 yards, he has to have a lie-down!- You go the back way, I'll go the front.- Righto.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Yes. Yes, right. Then...
0:20:52 > 0:20:56Then, there's a pair of blue pyjamas.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59- I- don't know what kind of material!
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Cavalry twill!
0:21:02 > 0:21:06And there's a cigarette burn down the left leg.
0:21:06 > 0:21:10And there's a pair of flippers tied round the side.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13No, not the pyjamas! The case!
0:21:13 > 0:21:15The other case.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18Ah... Well, I don't know what's in that.
0:21:20 > 0:21:24That's my sister's and she packs it in secret.
0:21:24 > 0:21:29And the stuff that goes in it! The Customs won't go through THAT!
0:21:30 > 0:21:32No, nothing illegal, just, um...
0:21:34 > 0:21:36..women's things.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Yeah.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40That's right, and then... What?!
0:21:40 > 0:21:48Whoever's got them will be through the roadblocks, they'll be at the Channel ports and...!
0:21:49 > 0:21:56Yeah... OK, well, I'll wait for you at the gates till you come back. At the gate, yeah. Thank you.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08SIREN
0:22:25 > 0:22:32- Are you Mr Sykes?- Yeah, I phoned about the missing suitcases. I phoned from that box.
0:22:32 > 0:22:39- Would one be black with a yellow strap round it?- That's right.- And one with flippers on the back?- Yeah.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42Have you found them?
0:22:47 > 0:22:51Well, they weren't there five minutes ago!
0:22:51 > 0:22:59And five minutes ago, I was having a cup of tea with my feet up! A false alarm is a very serious offence!
0:22:59 > 0:23:04What with the cost of petrol, tyres, AND double time on a Saturday!
0:23:05 > 0:23:08Bribery is also a serious offence!
0:23:08 > 0:23:13- I wasn't going to bribe him! - What was this for? Waving him off?
0:23:13 > 0:23:16- I wanted change to phone the pol... - Eric!
0:23:16 > 0:23:24- Come on! We'll be late!- It's no good. Half my holiday money's gone now, and we'll never make Gatwick!
0:23:24 > 0:23:29- Your girlfriend lives near Gatwick, doesn't she, Constable?- Who, me?
0:23:29 > 0:23:34Yes, I mean, whoever took his cases could be headed that way, right?
0:23:34 > 0:23:36TOGETHER: But the cases are HERE!
0:23:37 > 0:23:44Look, lad, if you want to get on in the force, you must remember to look the other way.
0:23:44 > 0:23:49- When you look back, the cases will be in the police car.- Gotcha!
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Buy your girl a bunch of flowers!
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Gotcha, Corky! Come on, then.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59Hey, I'm sitting in the front!
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Cheerio, then! Bye-bye!
0:24:01 > 0:24:06Don't forget to write! And don't drink the water!
0:24:08 > 0:24:12- Bye-bye, Corky! - SIREN ON
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Oh, no! Not the siren!
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Oh!
0:24:30 > 0:24:37So we were at Gatwick in plenty of time. Straight in, baggage on the scales...
0:24:37 > 0:24:41We'd forgotten the passports and tickets! So...
0:24:41 > 0:24:46Eric! I was telling them about missing the plane last year.
0:24:46 > 0:24:51I heard. While you were telling them, we've missed the coach.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53 SHRIEKS OF LAUGHTER
0:25:29 > 0:25:33Subtitles by Lois Brooks BBC Scotland 1998