0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language
0:00:19 > 0:00:20When you arrive,
0:00:20 > 0:00:22know the name and position of the person you are to meet.
0:00:22 > 0:00:24Hello, can I help you?
0:00:24 > 0:00:26I don't know the name or the position
0:00:26 > 0:00:28of the person I'm about to meet.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Would you like to take a seat? We won't keep you long.
0:00:30 > 0:00:33# There she was singing do wah diddy diddy
0:00:33 > 0:00:37# Singing do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do. #
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Hello, Rosemary, this is Olga.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41There's a lunatic with a crossbow in reception.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43I could fire an arrow into your back from here if I wanted,
0:00:43 > 0:00:45but I'm not going to.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47Mr Howard's secretary will be down in a minute.
0:00:47 > 0:00:48Is she as charmless as you?
0:00:48 > 0:00:50- Sorry to have kept you waiting. - Fuck me, you were quick.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Or did I nod off?
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Would you like to come this way?
0:00:54 > 0:00:55Right, lead the way, sugar tits!
0:00:55 > 0:00:58If it is the secretary, let her go first into the elevator,
0:00:58 > 0:01:01open doors for her, be pleasant but not over friendly.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Oi, do you like my crossbow? Do you hear me?
0:01:04 > 0:01:05Do you like my crossbow?
0:01:05 > 0:01:09ELEVATOR MUSIC PLAYS
0:01:09 > 0:01:11I hope you didn't have trouble finding us here.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Don't you eyeball me, sweetheart.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Which way do we go?
0:01:17 > 0:01:19It's this way.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Why are you walking like that? Do you need a crap or something?
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Notice that there's a nameplate on the door.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Sometimes it will indicate his rank and position.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29What does the WJ stand for? Wank Joist?
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Here's your visitor, Mr Howard.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34On entering the office, watch his hand.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Handshaking is not so common as in other countries.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Good morning. I hope you had a good journey.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44You have lovely soft hands, like my probation officer.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Do not smoke unless he invites you to or you're desperate for one.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Then ask if you may. Do not take it for granted.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Do you smoke?
0:01:52 > 0:01:53A bit of spice at the weekend,
0:01:53 > 0:01:55you know, just to get off me tits.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59Only use first names if he does.
0:01:59 > 0:02:00The use of last names is customary.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04It's an absolute honour to meet you, Mr Wank Joist.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11We are interested in this proposition of yours,
0:02:11 > 0:02:13but tell me more.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15I've just got this old johnny machine in the garage
0:02:15 > 0:02:17that I thought you might fancy having.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19It's got all different johnnies in there,
0:02:19 > 0:02:22like flavoured johnnies, studded johnnies, textured johnnies,
0:02:22 > 0:02:25and I thought you might like that, you old pervert!
0:02:25 > 0:02:29The ones that light up, pleasure shaped, coloured, double ribbed
0:02:29 > 0:02:31and my personal favourite, a kiss of mint.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34So what you say, Wank Joist?
0:02:36 > 0:02:37Right.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40Well, get your people to telex the details, will you?
0:02:40 > 0:02:45Why don't I just leave it with that charmless cow in reception?
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Make certain that he knows your name and how to pronounce it correctly.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50It's Joe Wilkinson.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Wilkinson?
0:02:52 > 0:02:55I'm very glad to have met you, Mr, um...?
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Wilkinson.
0:02:57 > 0:03:01W-I-L-K-I-N-S-O-N.
0:03:01 > 0:03:02Wilkinson.
0:03:02 > 0:03:06Well, goodbye. My secretary will see you to the lift.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Wilkinson!
0:03:08 > 0:03:11Wilkinson, cloth ears!
0:03:11 > 0:03:12Bloody Wilkinson!