3:06:50 > 3:06:53APPLAUSE
3:07:01 > 3:07:06Hello... Hello and welcome to this special tenth-anniversary edition
3:07:06 > 3:07:09of The Blame Game from the Belfast Waterfront Hall.
3:07:09 > 3:07:10Yes, The Blame Game,
3:07:10 > 3:07:14the show that has more laughs than Heathrow Airport has runways.
3:07:15 > 3:07:18I'm Tim McGarry and our regular panellists are, of course,
3:07:18 > 3:07:21Colin Murphy, Jake O'Kane and Neil Delamere.
3:07:21 > 3:07:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
3:07:27 > 3:07:30And you all know our special guest tonight.
3:07:30 > 3:07:33He started his stand-up career aged just 17.
3:07:33 > 3:07:37His first TV appearance was actually on this very show.
3:07:37 > 3:07:38After appearing on The Blame Game,
3:07:38 > 3:07:41our guest quickly became one of the biggest names in comedy.
3:07:41 > 3:07:44He is a huge star and an award-winning comedian
3:07:44 > 3:07:47who fills stadiums and sells out arenas across the globe.
3:07:47 > 3:07:51Yes, The Blame Game does that for people's careers.
3:07:52 > 3:07:53For instance, next week,
3:07:53 > 3:07:57I'm appearing in the Arts Centre in Downpatrick.
3:07:57 > 3:07:59LAUGHTER
3:07:59 > 3:08:02Please welcome Scotland's finest, the fabulous Kevin Bridges.
3:08:02 > 3:08:04APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
3:08:11 > 3:08:15Kevin has very kindly come back to help us celebrate our birthday.
3:08:15 > 3:08:17We were actually going to have a birthday cake,
3:08:17 > 3:08:19but sadly that didn't work out.
3:08:19 > 3:08:21LAUGHTER
3:08:25 > 3:08:27I mean, all I said to Ashers was...
3:08:29 > 3:08:31..can I have a cake with the words
3:08:31 > 3:08:33"Who do you blame for losing the gay cake case?"?
3:08:36 > 3:08:38No sense of humour in there.
3:08:38 > 3:08:39Yes, ladies and gentlemen,
3:08:39 > 3:08:42it's been ten years since The Blame Game started.
3:08:42 > 3:08:45People say Northern Ireland will never change, which is nonsense.
3:08:45 > 3:08:49I mean, pretty soon, if you're a Catholic and you go to Mass,
3:08:49 > 3:08:52you could end up sitting beside an Orangeman with an Irish passport.
3:09:00 > 3:09:03But let's also be honest, ladies and gentlemen.
3:09:03 > 3:09:062016 has also been a pretty terrible year so far.
3:09:06 > 3:09:09Terrorism, storms, conflict and, worst of all,
3:09:09 > 3:09:12UTV have taken Jullian Simmons off our screens.
3:09:13 > 3:09:17Yes, mainland ITV took over the UTV
3:09:17 > 3:09:20and Jullian was taken out of vision.
3:09:20 > 3:09:23If you ask me, the Brits have gone too far this time.
3:09:23 > 3:09:25This is the last straw.
3:09:25 > 3:09:27Cromwell, famine, the penal laws, and now
3:09:27 > 3:09:29they've pulled our Jullian off.
3:09:29 > 3:09:32LAUGHTER
3:09:36 > 3:09:39Now on with the show. The audience ask the questions
3:09:39 > 3:09:41and our panel provide some very unreliable answers,
3:09:41 > 3:09:42so, ladies and gentlemen of the audience,
3:09:42 > 3:09:44you were asked to help us with some questions.
3:09:44 > 3:09:46We have some questions here from the audience.
3:09:46 > 3:09:51"Who's to blame for making me stand outside in the cold for so long?
3:09:51 > 3:09:53"I'm going to need DLA now."
3:09:53 > 3:09:55LAUGHTER
3:09:57 > 3:10:00That's Jackie in Portadown.
3:10:00 > 3:10:03If it was Jackie in West Belfast, you'd have DLA by now.
3:10:09 > 3:10:13"Who's to blame for the Waterfront not selling Buckfast?"
3:10:15 > 3:10:18Michael in Lurgan, I would imagine. Is it Lurgan?
3:10:18 > 3:10:19Cahill in Lurgan.
3:10:19 > 3:10:21LAUGHTER
3:10:26 > 3:10:29"Who's to blame for Simon Hamilton being the love child of
3:10:29 > 3:10:31"Gerry Adams and Naomi Long?"
3:10:34 > 3:10:36Beardy fella.
3:10:38 > 3:10:43"Who's to blame for Translink Metro buses still running late
3:10:43 > 3:10:46- "in spite of a bus lane on every - BLEEP- street in Belfast?"
3:10:46 > 3:10:48LAUGHTER
3:10:53 > 3:10:57Stewart in East Belfast, who'll be here in ten minutes.
3:10:59 > 3:11:01So what is our first question tonight?
3:11:01 > 3:11:06Our first question tonight is, who do you blame for Donald Trump?
3:11:06 > 3:11:07Ah, yes, the Donald.
3:11:07 > 3:11:10The reality TV star with a dead beaver on his head
3:11:10 > 3:11:13who could actually lead the free world.
3:11:13 > 3:11:16Donald openly boasted about groping women
3:11:16 > 3:11:19and he thinks he's a tough guy. Oh, yeah?
3:11:19 > 3:11:22Well, come on over here, Donald, and try it on with Arlene Foster.
3:11:22 > 3:11:24LAUGHTER
3:11:27 > 3:11:29You'll find it...
3:11:29 > 3:11:31I'd pay to see that! I'd pay to see that.
3:11:31 > 3:11:34You'll find it pretty hard to make America great again
3:11:34 > 3:11:36from a hospital bed in Altnagelvin.
3:11:38 > 3:11:42Donald Trump was recently booed at a fundraising dinner organised
3:11:42 > 3:11:43by the Catholic Church.
3:11:43 > 3:11:45Seriously, when the Catholic Church can criticise
3:11:45 > 3:11:48your sexual peccadilloes, you know you've gone too far.
3:11:51 > 3:11:56But who can we blame for Donald Trump?
3:11:56 > 3:11:58PANEL GIGGLING
3:11:58 > 3:12:01It's very confusing if you're from Northern Ireland, though,
3:12:01 > 3:12:03because he's the only Orangeman who's also a Republican.
3:12:03 > 3:12:05LAUGHTER
3:12:07 > 3:12:09It's quite confusing. He admitted...
3:12:09 > 3:12:13He said on air, on a video, that he groped women and that
3:12:13 > 3:12:15he grabbed them by their nether regions.
3:12:15 > 3:12:18I'll say it in the most polite way possible. By their genitals, like.
3:12:18 > 3:12:20My theory is that if you grab him by his own genitals,
3:12:20 > 3:12:24the hair just hinges up like that. Just...
3:12:24 > 3:12:27You know when you stand on a pedal bin and it just goes waaaaah?
3:12:27 > 3:12:30I don't know if it makes that noise. Waaaaah! Like that.
3:12:30 > 3:12:33He's only 4% behind in the opinion polls.
3:12:33 > 3:12:35- He could win! - I blame Hillary Clinton.
3:12:35 > 3:12:37- How bad is she?- I know.
3:12:37 > 3:12:3911 women have come forward claiming
3:12:39 > 3:12:44that Trump acted sexually inappropriate and he's still four...
3:12:44 > 3:12:46Bill Cosby could win this election.
3:12:51 > 3:12:52I think he's done all right,
3:12:52 > 3:12:54considering he's a billionaire psychopath
3:12:54 > 3:12:57that wants to run the world. That is still something.
3:12:57 > 3:13:00He is... He is Cartman from South Park.
3:13:00 > 3:13:03That was the best description I ever heard of him.
3:13:03 > 3:13:05He just sounds like, "Oh, my God!" He's just that voice.
3:13:05 > 3:13:07During the debates, whenever you're watching the debates
3:13:07 > 3:13:10and you're sitting there, being from here, watching those debates,
3:13:10 > 3:13:12you're looking at them going, "There's no way...
3:13:12 > 3:13:14"There's no way they could be worse." They are worse!
3:13:14 > 3:13:17Sammy Wilson is at home watching this going, "Yes!"
3:13:19 > 3:13:22Apparently he's 2% ahead in some polls and she's...
3:13:22 > 3:13:25According to the poll of polls, which is the one I listen to
3:13:25 > 3:13:28because that's also what my ma used to call Pope John Paul II.
3:13:28 > 3:13:31- The Pole of Poles.- Yeah.
3:13:31 > 3:13:33Ruth Patterson. Nobody's mentioned...
3:13:33 > 3:13:34She's definitely advising him.
3:13:34 > 3:13:36- Ruth Patterson?- Definitely.
3:13:36 > 3:13:38- In terms of shade!- Seriously.
3:13:38 > 3:13:39I want to see them mate.
3:13:40 > 3:13:43You could have Oompa-Loompas in real life!
3:13:43 > 3:13:45You could have real Oompa-Loompas.
3:13:45 > 3:13:47Charlie And The Chocolate Factory would come to life.
3:13:47 > 3:13:50Well... You mention politicians here.
3:13:50 > 3:13:52There are some very strange politicians here as well, and in
3:13:52 > 3:13:55this week, I don't know if you saw this, Jeremy Paxman has a book out
3:13:55 > 3:13:59and he said at one point that Gerry Adams offered to give him a dog.
3:13:59 > 3:14:03How terrifying would that situation be?
3:14:03 > 3:14:05"Do you want a dog, Jeremy?"
3:14:06 > 3:14:08We don't know what breed of dog it was.
3:14:08 > 3:14:11- Gundog, I would imagine. - LAUGHTER
3:14:13 > 3:14:15There is no Border collie!
3:14:17 > 3:14:19APPLAUSE
3:14:23 > 3:14:25Can you imagine that scenario where he just goes,
3:14:25 > 3:14:26"Do you want a dog, Jeremy?"?
3:14:26 > 3:14:28- And you just go, "Yeah, yeah..." - LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
3:14:28 > 3:14:30"Yeah, it's cool. Does he do any tricks?"
3:14:30 > 3:14:33"Yeah, he can play dead." "OK!"
3:14:33 > 3:14:35"He's a good Catholic dog.
3:14:35 > 3:14:38"He'll hump your leg, but he'll withdraw at the last minute."
3:14:38 > 3:14:41"Why are you getting rid of him, G-G-G-Gerry?"
3:14:41 > 3:14:42"Well, he's a Rottweiler."
3:14:42 > 3:14:44"Oh, right, are you scared of a Rottweiler?"
3:14:44 > 3:14:47"No, he's a black and tan, you gobshite.
3:14:48 > 3:14:51"We call him Billy Hutchinson because he's a PUP."
3:14:53 > 3:14:56I reckon he's got a Labrador, Gerry Adams.
3:14:56 > 3:14:58- Why?- Just that's what I would, if I was Gerry Adams.
3:14:58 > 3:15:01- You can see him with a Labrador? - I would probably call it Chucky.
3:15:01 > 3:15:02Would you?
3:15:02 > 3:15:04So, "This is wee Chucky, our Lab."
3:15:04 > 3:15:08LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
3:15:08 > 3:15:09There must be.
3:15:12 > 3:15:13It depends what sort of dog you have.
3:15:13 > 3:15:16I have a dog and if you have a kind of greyhound sort of dog,
3:15:16 > 3:15:19lads will come and ask you questions about greyhounds
3:15:19 > 3:15:20that you're entirely unprepared for.
3:15:20 > 3:15:23And then you have to confuse them, to give yourself time to get away.
3:15:23 > 3:15:26So a lad came up to me the other day and went, "Well, do you race them?
3:15:26 > 3:15:27"Do you? Do you race them?"
3:15:27 > 3:15:30I was like, "Ah, no, sure, he's much faster than I am."
3:15:30 > 3:15:33LAUGHTER
3:15:35 > 3:15:36I watched the vice...
3:15:36 > 3:15:38the vice-presidential debate.
3:15:38 > 3:15:39You watched the vice...?
3:15:39 > 3:15:42It's not a porno, Tim. Relax!
3:15:44 > 3:15:47- Pence and what's the other...? - Aye, Mike Pence...
3:15:47 > 3:15:49- Tim Kaine.- Tim Kaine and Mike Pence.
3:15:49 > 3:15:50That's the important one.
3:15:50 > 3:15:54That's how you see who'll be in charge of America next year
3:15:54 > 3:15:57after the inevitable assassination.
3:15:57 > 3:15:59They must...
3:15:59 > 3:16:02They must hate the two of them so much.
3:16:03 > 3:16:06I think he's... I don't get it,
3:16:06 > 3:16:08- how that guy can be taken so seriously.- No.
3:16:08 > 3:16:10I've helped old guys into a taxi
3:16:10 > 3:16:14in a more coherent state than Donald Trump.
3:16:14 > 3:16:16People say they like him because he speaks his mind,
3:16:16 > 3:16:18but old people in pubs speak their mind every Friday night,
3:16:18 > 3:16:20but you don't encourage them.
3:16:20 > 3:16:23Just a pat on the back, "Enjoy your night, mate."
3:16:23 > 3:16:26That's all it would take to defeat Donald Trump.
3:16:26 > 3:16:28"Build a wall, make America great again!"
3:16:28 > 3:16:31Enjoy your night, mate. Just leave him. Leave the guy.
3:16:38 > 3:16:41The vice that's involved in American politics,
3:16:41 > 3:16:43it's all drug scandals and sex scandals and everything.
3:16:43 > 3:16:46The DUP - this made the news -
3:16:46 > 3:16:50the DUP at the Tory party conference had a drinks reception.
3:16:50 > 3:16:52- Champagne.- End of story! That was...
3:16:52 > 3:16:54Because there was champagne involved in it.
3:16:54 > 3:16:56It's the first time the DUP have ever had alcohol
3:16:56 > 3:16:57at any kind of reception ever.
3:16:57 > 3:16:59And they went straight in with champagne?
3:16:59 > 3:17:00Straight in with champagne.
3:17:00 > 3:17:04- They didn't, like, build up? - No.- Tea, Buckfast, champagne.- No.
3:17:04 > 3:17:06- Champagne!- Straight in at champagne.
3:17:06 > 3:17:09Big Aidan has gone away and all of a sudden, champagne.
3:17:09 > 3:17:10I would love to have seen it.
3:17:10 > 3:17:12You could take advantage of them. All these DUP boys,
3:17:12 > 3:17:14"Would you like a drink of the devil's water... I mean, champagne?
3:17:14 > 3:17:16"Would you like a drink of the champagne?"
3:17:16 > 3:17:18And you're going, "Aye, have you got a pint of it?
3:17:18 > 3:17:21"Is it served in a big glass? Is it? All right, hang on a minute."
3:17:21 > 3:17:23Just keep pouring, Mervyn, there. Just keep pouring.
3:17:23 > 3:17:26That's good, man. Apparently, it was a very well-attended event.
3:17:26 > 3:17:28It's the best-attended event that the DUP have ever run.
3:17:28 > 3:17:29But they won't do it in Stormont.
3:17:29 > 3:17:32They won't do a joint event with Sinn Fein, because if you just pop,
3:17:32 > 3:17:34all the Sinners will just hit the ground
3:17:34 > 3:17:35straight away like that.
3:17:35 > 3:17:38And then put an oily rag in the empty bottle.
3:17:38 > 3:17:40LAUGHTER AND GROANING
3:17:40 > 3:17:42When Ian Paisley retired, they had a retirement do for him
3:17:42 > 3:17:45and he complained that he wasn't treated very well by the DUP.
3:17:45 > 3:17:49They had a retirement do and they spent £70,000 on a retirement do
3:17:49 > 3:17:51for Ian Paisley and I thought,
3:17:51 > 3:17:53that is a feck of a lot of diluted orange juice.
3:17:55 > 3:17:58- 70 grand?- 70 grand and no booze?! - No booze.
3:17:58 > 3:18:00But they all said it was a very cordial event afterwards.
3:18:00 > 3:18:03Oh! That's good.
3:18:08 > 3:18:10And what is our next question tonight?
3:18:10 > 3:18:13Our next question is, who do you blame for gay cake?
3:18:15 > 3:18:18After rumbling on for two years, this week,
3:18:18 > 3:18:21Ashers finally lost the so-called gay cake case.
3:18:21 > 3:18:25It's legally very complicated, but basically, in Ashers,
3:18:25 > 3:18:26you can have your cake and eat it,
3:18:26 > 3:18:29but you can't have your cake and ice it.
3:18:29 > 3:18:31The decision has been debated by politicians, lawyers
3:18:31 > 3:18:34and commentators, but to be honest, they're all missing the point.
3:18:34 > 3:18:38It's been two years! That cake must have gone off by now.
3:18:38 > 3:18:40It will be stinking.
3:18:40 > 3:18:42But who can we blame for the gay cake?
3:18:42 > 3:18:44Everybody's calling it - all over the place,
3:18:44 > 3:18:47it's on the news all this week - the gay cake row.
3:18:47 > 3:18:50That's what they're calling it. The gay cake row.
3:18:50 > 3:18:52Can we just clear this up once and for all,
3:18:52 > 3:18:54cake is not gay, right?
3:18:54 > 3:18:57Biscuits are gay, right?
3:18:57 > 3:18:58That's a well-known phrase.
3:18:58 > 3:19:00"Gay as a biscuit."
3:19:00 > 3:19:01That's... Everyone knows that.
3:19:01 > 3:19:03And gay cake row sort of diminishes what it was,
3:19:03 > 3:19:04which was a sexual discrimination case.
3:19:04 > 3:19:07That's like calling civil rights "whingeing Fenian movement,"
3:19:07 > 3:19:10do you know what I mean? It's just...
3:19:11 > 3:19:15- It was a case about discrimination, right?- You mean it wasn't?
3:19:15 > 3:19:18That's the thing, they're trying to imbue sexuality on a cake.
3:19:18 > 3:19:20A cake has no sexuality. There's no genders, you know?
3:19:20 > 3:19:22Except Colin the Caterpillar.
3:19:22 > 3:19:25That's the only cake with gender.
3:19:25 > 3:19:27Which is something completely different in our house, by the way.
3:19:27 > 3:19:29LAUGHTER
3:19:32 > 3:19:34Better believe it!
3:19:34 > 3:19:36HE GIGGLES
3:19:36 > 3:19:39- Oh, there's an image in my head!- What?
3:19:39 > 3:19:40In the week that's in it,
3:19:40 > 3:19:42with Bake Off final, it's not fair, right?
3:19:42 > 3:19:45Because it's taken away from Andrew Smyth, who is from here,
3:19:45 > 3:19:46and he's in the final and...
3:19:46 > 3:19:48- SCATTERED APPLAUSE - I know.
3:19:48 > 3:19:49Three women going, "Yaaaay!"
3:19:51 > 3:19:53I watch Bake Off. I am a fan.
3:19:53 > 3:19:58I like it and Andrew is great, but his voice is really annoying.
3:19:58 > 3:20:01And... It really is! Oh, my God. It's just...
3:20:01 > 3:20:04- Oh, my! You know?- No, I don't watch it.- I watch it, yeah.
3:20:04 > 3:20:05He's got that sort of...
3:20:05 > 3:20:08He went to Cambridge and he's a very educated person
3:20:08 > 3:20:10and he's talk-ing ve-ry much like this heeeeere!
3:20:11 > 3:20:13And what are we mak-ing this week?
3:20:13 > 3:20:17Oh, we're mak-ing Tu-dor things, that's amaziiiing!
3:20:17 > 3:20:19And he's a very talented man, but you're going,
3:20:19 > 3:20:21"Oh, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up."
3:20:21 > 3:20:23But he's not from here. He can't be from here.
3:20:23 > 3:20:25He's on Bake Off. He has not made a sausage roll
3:20:25 > 3:20:27or a mushroom vol-au-vent once. Right, that's...
3:20:28 > 3:20:33The man is some sort of, you know, charlatan, that's all I'm saying.
3:20:33 > 3:20:34They keep saying he's from Derby.
3:20:34 > 3:20:37They keep saying he's from Derby, even though he's actually from here.
3:20:37 > 3:20:40You see, he's one of those stealth Northern Irish accents.
3:20:40 > 3:20:42He's one of those ones that's changed and you don't know
3:20:42 > 3:20:44until every so often he says one of those words
3:20:44 > 3:20:46that gives everybody from Northern Ireland away.
3:20:46 > 3:20:49So he'll say, "I'm just putting the cake into the oven
3:20:49 > 3:20:51"and then the cake will be ready
3:20:51 > 3:20:52"in about two HOOOOURS!
3:20:52 > 3:20:54"HOOOURS!
3:20:54 > 3:20:57"Now, now, the cake is done, so it is."
3:20:57 > 3:20:59And then... Ah, OK.
3:20:59 > 3:21:01Because your only other guy from here that was on Bake Off
3:21:01 > 3:21:04a couple of years ago, he's not like your man,
3:21:04 > 3:21:06Andrew's very sort of level-headed and he keeps his cool.
3:21:06 > 3:21:08Unlike your other boy - I can't remember his name -
3:21:08 > 3:21:10who bucked the thing in the bin. He lost it.
3:21:10 > 3:21:11He was properly from here!
3:21:11 > 3:21:14Big beard on him and he got annoyed because something collapsed.
3:21:14 > 3:21:17- And he went, "Oh, for...sake, man!" - APPLAUSE
3:21:17 > 3:21:19And lanced it in the bin. That's what you want!
3:21:22 > 3:21:24"Stick it up your arse!"
3:21:24 > 3:21:27And Mel and Sue came over in their sort of lovely sort of
3:21:27 > 3:21:28"Oh, we could try again!"
3:21:28 > 3:21:31"It's ruined! RUINED!
3:21:31 > 3:21:33"The oven's a piece of shite!"
3:21:34 > 3:21:36- He was...- Absolutely brilliant.
3:21:36 > 3:21:38He was so Northern Irish that he threw it in the bin
3:21:38 > 3:21:40and they didn't even collect the bin,
3:21:40 > 3:21:42because no-one told them that the bin days have been changed.
3:21:42 > 3:21:45- That's...- That's how Belfast he was.
3:21:45 > 3:21:47You see what I mean?
3:21:47 > 3:21:49The thing that annoys me about the Ashers thing is,
3:21:49 > 3:21:51and God bless them, right, God bless them.
3:21:51 > 3:21:52Everybody's got an opinion
3:21:52 > 3:21:54and I'll fight for their right to have an opinion.
3:21:54 > 3:21:56But the wee Christians have been saying for a while,
3:21:56 > 3:22:01"Yes, we are earnestly praying to the Lord for an answer."
3:22:01 > 3:22:02He's answered them.
3:22:02 > 3:22:04He says no!
3:22:05 > 3:22:06He says no.
3:22:06 > 3:22:09They went to the first court of the law, that's God saying,
3:22:09 > 3:22:11"Ha-ha-ha, I like the cake!"
3:22:11 > 3:22:12They went to the appeal court...
3:22:12 > 3:22:15It must be that God's, like, on a CB radio, really bad CB radio,
3:22:15 > 3:22:16trying to get through.
3:22:16 > 3:22:18"No! No, I like gays. Do you understand?
3:22:18 > 3:22:20"They're my people too."
3:22:20 > 3:22:22But some of the people that have said some things about it
3:22:22 > 3:22:24have been genuinely hilarious.
3:22:24 > 3:22:26Jim Allister, did you see what he said?
3:22:26 > 3:22:28- No.- "The aggressive gay rights lobby."
3:22:28 > 3:22:30Like, who are they? Elton John with a hatchet?
3:22:30 > 3:22:32Right? "Raaarrr!"
3:22:32 > 3:22:34"Ooh! Raaaaaarrr!"
3:22:36 > 3:22:40The bin thing is that's how to stress out a middle-aged person.
3:22:40 > 3:22:42Wow! That is...
3:22:42 > 3:22:45That came through, I got that the day before the change.
3:22:45 > 3:22:47I got it on the Saturday.
3:22:47 > 3:22:50This letter came through going, "What?! The bin? What?!
3:22:50 > 3:22:54"MONDAY? Monday? But it's Saturday! How are we ever going to be ready?
3:22:54 > 3:22:58"No! It's normally Thursday in our house. We can't..."
3:22:58 > 3:23:01Oh, you got a letter? You got a letter?
3:23:01 > 3:23:03Oh, big posh South Belfast got a letter.
3:23:03 > 3:23:05LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
3:23:05 > 3:23:06I got nothing.
3:23:07 > 3:23:10I got somebody... Somebody tweeted me.
3:23:10 > 3:23:12Somebody tweeted me and I was...
3:23:12 > 3:23:15Where I live, it's a lot of older people and they're widowers
3:23:15 > 3:23:17and all this, and I, as you do, being a decent neighbour,
3:23:17 > 3:23:20I'm rushing out and I'm up and knocking on doors and going,
3:23:20 > 3:23:22"The bins, your bins are going to be..."
3:23:22 > 3:23:25I have my jammies on, right?
3:23:25 > 3:23:27And they're looking, going, "He was a new lodge.
3:23:27 > 3:23:31"You can't take the new lodge out of them, sure you can't."
3:23:31 > 3:23:33But that was the thing they did, that 40% of the letters
3:23:33 > 3:23:36- weren't delivered. They were found in a skip.- That's appropriate.
3:23:36 > 3:23:38They were found in a skip. Only because they didn't know
3:23:38 > 3:23:40which day the bins were being collected to put the things in.
3:23:40 > 3:23:43And, yes, so they weren't delivered and so 40% of people in Belfast
3:23:43 > 3:23:45didn't know. They're in the house, next thing they hear...
3:23:45 > 3:23:47IMITATES LORRY REVERSING
3:23:47 > 3:23:48"What the f..."
3:23:49 > 3:23:51That's how to get your heart rate going if you're over 40.
3:23:51 > 3:23:52Oh, my God!
3:23:52 > 3:23:55Forget poppers, forget weird sex, just that.
3:23:55 > 3:23:56That's how to get you.
3:23:56 > 3:23:59That, or sit in the cinema and get your wife to lean over and go,
3:23:59 > 3:24:01"Did we leave the immersion on?" WHAT?!
3:24:06 > 3:24:08This is what's happened to this country, though. This is...
3:24:08 > 3:24:10There are 1,800 people here today,
3:24:10 > 3:24:12they were all asked to fill in a form, who do you blame for...?
3:24:12 > 3:24:141,800 people, who do you blame
3:24:14 > 3:24:16for the council not sorting out the bins?
3:24:16 > 3:24:20Basically, Belfast City Council, they changed the days of the bins
3:24:20 > 3:24:23and you think, Belfast City Council, that is typical,
3:24:23 > 3:24:26to balls up something that involves designated days.
3:24:26 > 3:24:28LAUGHTER
3:24:31 > 3:24:36Best food story this week wasn't the cake or even the Bake Off.
3:24:36 > 3:24:40Erm... Did you know that marijuana is now kosher?
3:24:40 > 3:24:41- Is it?!- It's now kosher.
3:24:41 > 3:24:46You can get marijuana officially for Passover,
3:24:46 > 3:24:47I think it is, that's kosher.
3:24:47 > 3:24:50Oh, so you can smoke during Passover?
3:24:50 > 3:24:53That's kind of bad, because as far as I know, during Passover,
3:24:53 > 3:24:55you can't eat any cakes.
3:24:55 > 3:24:57LAUGHTER
3:24:57 > 3:25:01You're going to be stoned off your bin, going, "Ohhh...
3:25:01 > 3:25:03"Unleavened bread again?"
3:25:05 > 3:25:07So Jewish people can get stoned
3:25:07 > 3:25:09and no Palestinians got shot as a result.
3:25:09 > 3:25:11GROANING
3:25:13 > 3:25:16One guy clapped that, there. Well done.
3:25:16 > 3:25:19THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER
3:25:19 > 3:25:22Did you see the guy in America who couldn't get back into his house?
3:25:22 > 3:25:25He couldn't get back into his house in Arizona or somewhere
3:25:25 > 3:25:28because he was locked out, so instead of breaking a small window
3:25:28 > 3:25:32the way normally people do, he got in the chimney.
3:25:32 > 3:25:35He climbed down the chimney and got stuck in the chimney.
3:25:35 > 3:25:37And had to ring the fire brigade and they went, "OK."
3:25:37 > 3:25:40MOCKING LAUGHTER
3:25:40 > 3:25:42And turned up and pulled him out on a rope,
3:25:42 > 3:25:43soot all over him, right, and...
3:25:43 > 3:25:45He's lucky he didn't call the cops in the US,
3:25:45 > 3:25:47- they would have shot him. - GROANING
3:25:53 > 3:25:54So what is our next question tonight?
3:25:54 > 3:25:59Who do you blame for disruptive audiences?
3:25:59 > 3:26:01This week, Justin Bieber stormed off stage
3:26:01 > 3:26:04after urging teenage fans to stop screaming.
3:26:04 > 3:26:08Justin calls his millions of fans Beliebers,
3:26:08 > 3:26:11presumably because calling them brain-dead morons who'd listen
3:26:11 > 3:26:14to any old crap would send out the wrong message.
3:26:15 > 3:26:18When Keith Richards met Justin Bieber,
3:26:18 > 3:26:21the legendary Rolling Stones guitarist apparently said,
3:26:21 > 3:26:23"Who the F are you?"
3:26:23 > 3:26:26To be fair, though, Keith Richards has been known to say,
3:26:26 > 3:26:29"Who the F are you?", whilst looking in the mirror.
3:26:31 > 3:26:35But who can we blame for disruptive audiences?
3:26:35 > 3:26:37Have we got anybody in from Derry here?
3:26:37 > 3:26:39CHEERING
3:26:39 > 3:26:41I had a show last year.
3:26:41 > 3:26:43I don't know if anybody heard about that.
3:26:43 > 3:26:45Everybody's heard about that!
3:26:45 > 3:26:46In Derry.
3:26:46 > 3:26:48I don't know if she's in.
3:26:48 > 3:26:50I'm suffering from PTSD.
3:26:51 > 3:26:53The first 20 minutes of the show,
3:26:53 > 3:26:57we just had this woman just going, "Kevin, Kevin, Kevin..."
3:26:57 > 3:26:59It was a fucking smoke alarm going off
3:26:59 > 3:27:01inside her brain.
3:27:01 > 3:27:03That's not a heckle, that's just, like...
3:27:03 > 3:27:07- Have you ever clicked on a pop-up virus?- Yeah.
3:27:07 > 3:27:10That was me trying to deal with her to try and close...
3:27:10 > 3:27:13And then another 500 pop up at the same time like,
3:27:13 > 3:27:15"Kevin, Kevin, Kevin..."
3:27:15 > 3:27:16And it was crazy. It made the paper.
3:27:16 > 3:27:20But the people of Derry, the reaction was incredible.
3:27:20 > 3:27:21- ONE WOMAN WHOOPS - The next day...
3:27:21 > 3:27:23Thank you there.
3:27:24 > 3:27:25Yes, she's in tonight!
3:27:25 > 3:27:27APPLAUSE
3:27:28 > 3:27:33The next day... I've never heard something so chilling in my life.
3:27:33 > 3:27:36A guy walked up to me and he goes, "Don't you worry, Kevin.
3:27:36 > 3:27:38"She's been named and shamed."
3:27:38 > 3:27:40LAUGHTER
3:27:41 > 3:27:43But he said it in a way as if he had her
3:27:43 > 3:27:46in the boot of his car or something.
3:27:47 > 3:27:50And, erm, I had to sort of tweet and say, look, it's cool.
3:27:50 > 3:27:51She was just a bit drunk.
3:27:51 > 3:27:54I never knew what was going to happen to this poor woman.
3:27:54 > 3:27:56And it was in the local newspaper.
3:27:56 > 3:27:59An audience member said the heckling was horrific
3:27:59 > 3:28:02and branded it the worst night ever.
3:28:02 > 3:28:04Which... In Derry, the worst night ever?
3:28:07 > 3:28:10I'm pretty sure there's been worse nights
3:28:10 > 3:28:12in recent history.
3:28:12 > 3:28:15"Oh, you want to have heard the heckling.
3:28:15 > 3:28:19"Covering people's ears and things, oh, desperate I was."
3:28:19 > 3:28:20Anyway, no hard feelings to her.
3:28:20 > 3:28:21I hope she never got sacked
3:28:21 > 3:28:24or took away in the back of a boot or whatever.
3:28:24 > 3:28:26LAUGHTER
3:28:29 > 3:28:31- You ever done a gig in a prison before?- No.
3:28:31 > 3:28:34- Yes.- I've done that before. - Crumlin Road Gaol.
3:28:34 > 3:28:35But there's nobody in it.
3:28:35 > 3:28:41I done one when I was 18 in Shotts prison in Scotland.
3:28:41 > 3:28:43And about ten minutes into the gig,
3:28:43 > 3:28:45a guy stood up and went back to his cell.
3:28:53 > 3:28:54That's a...
3:28:54 > 3:28:56a heckle that has never been topped.
3:28:58 > 3:29:02"This guy's shite, I'm away to finish my life sentence."
3:29:03 > 3:29:04It hurts.
3:29:04 > 3:29:07If you go to a lot of gigs now, people have those flipping phones
3:29:07 > 3:29:10all the time and they're filming stuff. Have you had that?
3:29:10 > 3:29:12- People filming your gig? - I don't mind it,
3:29:12 > 3:29:14as long as it's a Samsung Galaxy. That helps.
3:29:15 > 3:29:18- Anybody got a Samsung Galaxy? - ONE OR TWO VOICES:- Yes.
3:29:18 > 3:29:20The first smartphone you can light a cigarette off.
3:29:23 > 3:29:26I love the fact that the selling point was that they're waterproof.
3:29:26 > 3:29:30I thought that was a brilliant idea for a phone that goes on fire.
3:29:30 > 3:29:32Oooh! Clever!
3:29:32 > 3:29:33Like the Terminator. It goes on fire -
3:29:33 > 3:29:37"Jesus! Put it in the water!" "It's not helping!"
3:29:37 > 3:29:40But they've sent fireproof boxes now,
3:29:40 > 3:29:42because they're all going to be recalled and there's a bag and
3:29:42 > 3:29:45there's another box and then there's another box and the instructions...
3:29:45 > 3:29:48The instructions basically have been written by Brian Kennedy because
3:29:48 > 3:29:52it's put the phone into the box, put the bag into the box, put the...
3:29:52 > 3:29:55Send the car around the world. That's what it is.
3:29:57 > 3:29:59It's not box.
3:29:59 > 3:30:01- Bax!- Sorry. Bax!
3:30:01 > 3:30:04You told me once, if you want to do a Belfast accent,
3:30:04 > 3:30:06you have to change the Os and the As.
3:30:06 > 3:30:08So I box with my hand,
3:30:08 > 3:30:10but you bax with your hond.
3:30:10 > 3:30:12That's it. That's it!
3:30:12 > 3:30:13That's it.
3:30:13 > 3:30:15Now, if you would like to ask the panel a question,
3:30:15 > 3:30:18just e-mail us at blame.game@bbc.co.uk.
3:30:18 > 3:30:20So what's our next question tonight?
3:30:20 > 3:30:23Who do you blame for Brexit?
3:30:23 > 3:30:27Yes, the UK voted for Brexit on June the 23rd.
3:30:27 > 3:30:30Because of BBC rules about impartiality,
3:30:30 > 3:30:33I am not at liberty to tell you which way I voted.
3:30:33 > 3:30:36So I'm afraid you'll never know whether I voted remain
3:30:36 > 3:30:39or whether I voted to buck the country over a cliff.
3:30:39 > 3:30:42LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
3:30:50 > 3:30:53Just because I don't like foreigners... I'm joking!
3:30:53 > 3:30:55I'm actually joking, ladies and gentlemen.
3:30:55 > 3:30:59I actually voted for leave, but only because after we leave the EU,
3:30:59 > 3:31:02Neil Delamere will become a migrant worker.
3:31:03 > 3:31:05APPLAUSE
3:31:09 > 3:31:12And the only way to get him onto the show will be to smuggle him
3:31:12 > 3:31:16across the border in a lorry full of sheep and red diesel.
3:31:18 > 3:31:21On the downside, the way things are going, if Neil insists on
3:31:21 > 3:31:25being paid in euros, he'll bankrupt the whole of Northern Ireland.
3:31:25 > 3:31:28But who can we blame for Brexit?
3:31:29 > 3:31:31I blame the English.
3:31:31 > 3:31:33CHEERING
3:31:37 > 3:31:38It's true!
3:31:38 > 3:31:42You voted to remain here. Scotland, we voted...
3:31:42 > 3:31:45I think Scotland and Northern Ireland should merge.
3:31:45 > 3:31:46And stay in Europe.
3:31:46 > 3:31:49APPLAUSE
3:31:49 > 3:31:50It would be great.
3:31:50 > 3:31:52We could become the European capital
3:31:52 > 3:31:55of shite weather and religious intolerance.
3:31:55 > 3:31:59There was a move to do this and it was called the Celtic Union.
3:31:59 > 3:32:01Which sounds like a really crap album you put on
3:32:01 > 3:32:03when you're trying to... trying to hope at somebody.
3:32:03 > 3:32:06Put on a bit of Celtic Union, will I?
3:32:06 > 3:32:08Enya and a bagpipe.
3:32:08 > 3:32:10No, it's a pain in the arse, isn't it?
3:32:10 > 3:32:12I don't know why Theresa May is in such a hurry.
3:32:12 > 3:32:14She's triggered Article 50.
3:32:14 > 3:32:17Don't know if anybody's read any of these 50 articles,
3:32:17 > 3:32:19never mind the last one.
3:32:19 > 3:32:23But she wants to get it moving by March, which is soon.
3:32:23 > 3:32:27It took me about six months to get out of a Vodafone contract. So...
3:32:28 > 3:32:29For a start...
3:32:31 > 3:32:35A 120% increase in British people looking for Irish passports
3:32:35 > 3:32:37in August alone.
3:32:37 > 3:32:38And, no offence to anybody,
3:32:38 > 3:32:41but if you're English and you want to come over
3:32:41 > 3:32:43to the Republic of Ireland, I mean, en masse,
3:32:43 > 3:32:45I don't think you should be allowed to come over
3:32:45 > 3:32:47and take all the jobs off the Polish people.
3:32:49 > 3:32:52It was the first time ever the newsletter basically had
3:32:52 > 3:32:53"Brits out" on the front.
3:32:55 > 3:32:58And the pound's fell on the euro. I don't know what it is.
3:32:58 > 3:33:00It's probably going to be about 20 quid for
3:33:00 > 3:33:03a Cornetto next summer when you're on holiday.
3:33:03 > 3:33:06What I want to see is a Larne-Stranraer ferry and the
3:33:06 > 3:33:10first time an Orangeman is stopped at Stranraer
3:33:10 > 3:33:13and asked for his passport. That's what I'm waiting to see.
3:33:13 > 3:33:15And he's forced to hand him an Irish one.
3:33:17 > 3:33:18That's going to be fun.
3:33:20 > 3:33:22Thank you. Thank you very much for that.
3:33:22 > 3:33:25Yes, indeed, some refugees from the Jungle camp in Calais are due
3:33:25 > 3:33:28to be rehoused across the UK
3:33:28 > 3:33:30and some of them will be sent here.
3:33:30 > 3:33:33Of course, you'll be able to easily recognise the refugees sent here.
3:33:33 > 3:33:35They'll be the ones holding the short straws.
3:33:48 > 3:33:51So, what is our next question tonight?
3:33:51 > 3:33:55Who do you blame for a peaceful summer?
3:33:55 > 3:33:58Yes, after a three-year stand-off at Twaddell Avenue,
3:33:58 > 3:34:03some fellas got to march past some empty shops while some other fellas
3:34:03 > 3:34:07got out of their beds at seven in the morning to shout at them fellas.
3:34:09 > 3:34:11You can say what you like about Northern Ireland,
3:34:11 > 3:34:14but we know how to enjoy ourselves.
3:34:16 > 3:34:18Personally, I was sorry to see Twaddell go,
3:34:18 > 3:34:21because it was the closest thing we ever had to a theme park.
3:34:27 > 3:34:31Forget Disney World, we had Disney's Frozen...in time.
3:34:31 > 3:34:33APPLAUSE
3:34:39 > 3:34:42But who can we blame for a peaceful summer?
3:34:42 > 3:34:45What a country this is that that's a question.
3:34:47 > 3:34:52It is quiet. It was so quiet all this marching season.
3:34:52 > 3:34:55On 11th night, right, I'm driving home.
3:34:55 > 3:34:58- Along the Shore Road. - Got a new car?- Shut up.
3:35:01 > 3:35:03- Off a fella in the pub. - Yeah, exactly.
3:35:03 > 3:35:05But it was that quiet, right?
3:35:05 > 3:35:07I was looking around, and 11th night is usually boogaloo.
3:35:07 > 3:35:09Shore Road, particularly, boogaloo.
3:35:09 > 3:35:11No disrespect to the Shore Road. Where my wife is from.
3:35:16 > 3:35:18I drove through red lights, right?
3:35:18 > 3:35:21Because I was looking around and I realised I had driven through
3:35:21 > 3:35:25red lights when I saw the little flashing blue light behind me.
3:35:26 > 3:35:30So your big cop gets out, pulls me over, sound big man, right?
3:35:30 > 3:35:34Trying to check that I'm not full, right, not drunk, and I'm not blind.
3:35:34 > 3:35:36So I admitted to him, I said, "Tell you what it was.
3:35:36 > 3:35:41"I was so distracted there. It's so quiet!"
3:35:41 > 3:35:43And the reaction I got wasn't what I had expected.
3:35:43 > 3:35:45The big cop goes, "No, no, aye..." Big Ballymena man.
3:35:45 > 3:35:50"Ah, yes, now. It is quiet now. It's quiet now, yes.
3:35:50 > 3:35:51"Suppose it's good to see.
3:35:54 > 3:35:56"Although I have to say, sir, to be honest with you,
3:35:56 > 3:35:59"the overtime at this time of year usually decides
3:35:59 > 3:36:01"whether I take the family to Disney World in Paris
3:36:01 > 3:36:03"or Disney World USA."
3:36:08 > 3:36:11And it is Twaddell. Twaddell was the thing.
3:36:11 > 3:36:12Twaddell was the thing.
3:36:12 > 3:36:16Now, Kevin, this is the end of a little thing now.
3:36:16 > 3:36:19How to explain this to you who's not from here?
3:36:19 > 3:36:21The only way I can do it is to explain it like
3:36:21 > 3:36:24a children's story, OK?
3:36:24 > 3:36:27So we'll do Twaddell like a children's story.
3:36:27 > 3:36:30- A little kid's story. Are you sitting comfortably, Kevin?- Yes.
3:36:30 > 3:36:32Boys and girls, are you all sitting comfortably?
3:36:32 > 3:36:34- ALL:- Yes.- I shall begin.
3:36:36 > 3:36:38There was a village...
3:36:38 > 3:36:40LAUGHTER
3:36:40 > 3:36:42APPLAUSE
3:36:46 > 3:36:49There was a village called Ardoyne.
3:36:49 > 3:36:53A lovely little hamlet full of lovely little people.
3:36:55 > 3:36:57There was a little Orangeman...
3:36:57 > 3:36:59CHEERING
3:36:59 > 3:37:05Who every 12th of July marched past the village down to this field,
3:37:05 > 3:37:10where he listened to sermons about abstinence and the evils of drink.
3:37:10 > 3:37:12And then got pished and...
3:37:12 > 3:37:14LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
3:37:19 > 3:37:22This happened for many, many years, Kevin.
3:37:22 > 3:37:24Year in he went down, year out he went back.
3:37:24 > 3:37:31Year in... Until one time, a long time ago...
3:37:31 > 3:37:33Three years ago, three years ago, right.
3:37:34 > 3:37:36Suddenly, the locals...
3:37:36 > 3:37:38LAUGHTER
3:37:42 > 3:37:46The local residents decided this was not on. They were not...
3:37:46 > 3:37:47They were keeping an eye...
3:37:47 > 3:37:50keeping an eye on this Orangeman and they said no.
3:37:50 > 3:37:52So they said no.
3:37:52 > 3:37:55The Parades Commission, which is something we have set up
3:37:55 > 3:37:57to basically make it worse than it already is, right?
3:37:59 > 3:38:02They let the little Orangeman go to the field
3:38:02 > 3:38:04but they wouldn't let him come home.
3:38:07 > 3:38:10But the little Orangeman said, "No, I am not giving up."
3:38:10 > 3:38:12The little Orangeman made himself a caravan.
3:38:12 > 3:38:14APPLAUSE
3:38:19 > 3:38:20He said, "I will stay here.
3:38:20 > 3:38:22"I will not talk to those little residents.
3:38:22 > 3:38:26"I will stay here for as long as it takes and I will never go home."
3:38:26 > 3:38:28But here's the amazing thing, Kevin.
3:38:28 > 3:38:30Every year...
3:38:30 > 3:38:33the same little Orangeman...
3:38:33 > 3:38:35walked back down the road...
3:38:36 > 3:38:38..defying physics.
3:38:38 > 3:38:40LAUGHTER
3:38:44 > 3:38:49Because what people didn't know was this was a magic caravan.
3:38:51 > 3:38:55This was an Orangeman transporter.
3:38:56 > 3:38:59Every year, on the 11th night, the little Orangeman
3:38:59 > 3:39:03went into the caravan and was magically transported.
3:39:03 > 3:39:05APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
3:39:07 > 3:39:08To go back down.
3:39:11 > 3:39:15So after three years - three years! -
3:39:15 > 3:39:17eventually, the little Orangeman says,
3:39:17 > 3:39:20"Ach, I'll talk to him after all."
3:39:20 > 3:39:21And they have a chat.
3:39:21 > 3:39:24And they find out they can come to a compromise.
3:39:24 > 3:39:27And, Kevin, that should be where our story ends.
3:39:28 > 3:39:30But not in Northern Ireland.
3:39:32 > 3:39:36Because even though there was a compromise, all of a sudden,
3:39:36 > 3:39:39big bad Dee Fennell arrived.
3:39:39 > 3:39:41LAUGHTER
3:39:45 > 3:39:48And big Dee said he would huff and he would puff and
3:39:48 > 3:39:50he would blow the compromise down.
3:39:50 > 3:39:53DOLL CRIES
3:39:53 > 3:39:57Dee, I am not your parish priest, Dee, you can't shout at me, Dee. No.
3:39:57 > 3:39:59No.
3:40:07 > 3:40:09- That was beautiful. - Was that beautiful?- Aye.
3:40:09 > 3:40:11Fuck being a child in this country.
3:40:11 > 3:40:12Imagine having to...
3:40:14 > 3:40:16- ..having to go to sleep after that story.- Exactly.
3:40:16 > 3:40:18Imagine him in a leather jacket there
3:40:18 > 3:40:21reading you a story at night, right?
3:40:21 > 3:40:23"Are you lying there comfortably, are you?
3:40:25 > 3:40:27"Relax and shut up, listen."
3:40:27 > 3:40:30- So who's to blame, then? - Who's to blame?- Peaceful summer.
3:40:30 > 3:40:34Qualifying for the Euros must have contributed to the peace, no?
3:40:34 > 3:40:36We've always found that in Glasgow.
3:40:36 > 3:40:40- Football helps to defuse sectarian tension. - LAUGHTER
3:40:40 > 3:40:43- It's worked for us over the years. - That went well, yeah?- Aye.
3:40:43 > 3:40:44We're coming up to Halloween,
3:40:44 > 3:40:48and do you know you can actually stay the night in Dracula's castle?
3:40:48 > 3:40:51- Oh, yeah!- With Airbnb. - This is so weird!
3:40:51 > 3:40:53Yeah, you can stay in Transylvania.
3:40:53 > 3:40:57You can go on an Airbnb competition and stay in Dracula's gaff.
3:40:57 > 3:40:59It's called Bran Castle,
3:40:59 > 3:41:02presumably because you're going to shit yourself while you're in there.
3:41:02 > 3:41:04And it was associated with Vlad the Impaler.
3:41:04 > 3:41:07Vlad the Impaler used to impale people on wooden sticks
3:41:07 > 3:41:09or, as I like to call it, hurling.
3:41:13 > 3:41:17But it's a really odd thing, because the way you win the competition,
3:41:17 > 3:41:20right, is you have to say what you would ask Dracula if you met him.
3:41:20 > 3:41:23- If you ever met Dracula, what would you say to him?- What?
3:41:23 > 3:41:25I would just say, "Would you stop drinking the blood?
3:41:25 > 3:41:27"Like, wean yourself off slowly.
3:41:27 > 3:41:29"Have a bit of black pudding or something like that
3:41:29 > 3:41:31"and you'll be grand."
3:41:31 > 3:41:33But the good thing about Dracula is that Dracula will
3:41:33 > 3:41:36bite gay people, Dracula will bite straight people, right?
3:41:36 > 3:41:40So it says an awful lot about a place when the worst monster
3:41:40 > 3:41:44in the minds of men has a more open attitude
3:41:44 > 3:41:46towards blood donation than...
3:41:46 > 3:41:48LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
3:41:52 > 3:41:54Like, do you think...?
3:41:54 > 3:41:56So, in the Republic, if you're gay, you can't give blood and here,
3:41:56 > 3:41:59there's a year deferral. Do you think Dracula cares?
3:41:59 > 3:42:01Like, do you think Dracula's about to bite a guy going...
3:42:01 > 3:42:04- MUFFLED:- "You're not gay, are you?
3:42:04 > 3:42:07"Are you...? Are you gay?" "Yes, I'm gay."
3:42:07 > 3:42:08"Ah, for...sake...
3:42:08 > 3:42:11"Er... How gay are you?" "What do you mean, how gay?!"
3:42:11 > 3:42:14"When was the last time you had sex?"
3:42:14 > 3:42:16"I don't know... About 12 months ago."
3:42:16 > 3:42:20"Be specific! Was it less than 12 months or more than 12 months ago?"
3:42:20 > 3:42:22"It was more than 12 months ago."
3:42:22 > 3:42:25"Yaaay! I have to drag you to Newry though."
3:42:29 > 3:42:34Airbnb, you can Airbnb in council houses in Derry.
3:42:34 > 3:42:37- No, you're not supposed to! - Aye, but you can.
3:42:37 > 3:42:40On Airbnb, the Housing Executive are giving off about people in Derry
3:42:40 > 3:42:42- who are letting up their houses... - Possibly!
3:42:42 > 3:42:44- They're not, I've looked up. - Yeah, there's nobody.
3:42:44 > 3:42:46They are letting up their houses and it's on Airbnb.
3:42:46 > 3:42:48- There's no evidence. - There is.- Is there?
3:42:48 > 3:42:51- The Housing Executive said there is. - No, they're worried about it.
3:42:51 > 3:42:53It really should be called Derry Airbnb.
3:42:53 > 3:42:56LAUGHTER
3:42:56 > 3:42:58- But, yeah...- Can you imagine if you stayed there?
3:42:58 > 3:43:01You will go up in the middle of the night just hearing, "Kevin...
3:43:02 > 3:43:04"Kevin, Kevin..."
3:43:10 > 3:43:11Thank you very much for that.
3:43:13 > 3:43:18Yes, indeed, Northern Ireland is to get its own version of Dragons' Den.
3:43:18 > 3:43:21Instead of entrepreneurs pitching innovative ideas to the Dragons,
3:43:21 > 3:43:24a bald man will walk into the Northern Ireland Executive,
3:43:24 > 3:43:27says he's from the UDA and lift £1.7 million.
3:43:35 > 3:43:36Just time for this week's news.
3:43:36 > 3:43:38I will read you various newspaper headlines
3:43:38 > 3:43:42and I want you to be faster than Bob Dylan accepting a Nobel Prize.
3:43:43 > 3:43:46"Why can't we deport these thugs?"
3:43:46 > 3:43:48Because they're MLAs.
3:43:48 > 3:43:50LAUGHTER
3:43:56 > 3:43:59"Taping your mouth shut stops you snoring."
3:43:59 > 3:44:02"And stops screaming from the boot," says leading loyalist.
3:44:05 > 3:44:07"Revealed - a teenager's favourite word."
3:44:07 > 3:44:10Ugh, revealed! That's not it. You don't know me!
3:44:13 > 3:44:15"Groped on a plane."
3:44:15 > 3:44:18Bill Cosby to replace Samuel L Jackson in movie sequel.
3:44:23 > 3:44:27"'I still hear my late wife's voice at night,' says Tom Jones."
3:44:27 > 3:44:29It's not unusual.
3:44:32 > 3:44:34"Army sex rap."
3:44:34 > 3:44:37British Legion launch a new charity single.
3:44:40 > 3:44:44And finally, "Naked except for a string of pearls."
3:44:44 > 3:44:47Jullian Simmons goes out in style!
3:44:47 > 3:44:50APPLAUSE
3:44:56 > 3:44:59That's it. That's it, that's the end of the show.
3:44:59 > 3:45:01Please show your appreciation to our panel,
3:45:01 > 3:45:05Colin Murphy, Kevin Bridges, Jake O'Kane and Neil Delamere.
3:45:05 > 3:45:07APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
3:45:12 > 3:45:13I'm...
3:45:15 > 3:45:18I'm Tim McGarry. Until next week, don't blame yourselves,
3:45:18 > 3:45:19blame each other. Goodbye.