:02:03. > :02:10.inspectors. That's the future by any chance, is it? Jan O'Dowd. Who's to
:02:11. > :02:12.blame for the lack of a list celebrities and the multitude of
:02:13. > :02:22.country singers turning on Christmas tree lights? This is Rory from Omagh
:02:23. > :02:27.town. Yes because you'll get Justin Bieber in Armagh. That's very
:02:28. > :02:38.insulting to who turned on the lights. Who was it? Lauren. Sorry,
:02:39. > :02:48.light. In fairness, they didn't ask him to. It's a bit dark! Who's to
:02:49. > :02:54.blame for the roadworks on the road? I haven't been able to collect my
:02:55. > :03:04.gyro in two weeks? Who's to blame for Donald Trump non-answering my
:03:05. > :03:08.calls, Jim Allister. So, what is our first question tonight? Who do you
:03:09. > :03:12.blame for Christmas coming too early? Yes, it started. The
:03:13. > :03:18.Christmas ads are in full swing, and this year John Lewis at features
:03:19. > :03:21.foxes and a badger on a trampoline. The Queen was actually going to buy
:03:22. > :03:24.one of the trampolines or Prince Philip unless she realised that the
:03:25. > :03:31.animals and a shot gun ones included. And, after many years of
:03:32. > :03:35.wrangling, it looks like Northern Ireland might finally get its own
:03:36. > :03:41.John Lewis store, which is great news because the last time when the
:03:42. > :03:49.John Lewis store was turned down, culture or was put on suicide watch.
:03:50. > :03:58.But who can we blame for Christmas coming too early? Us! It's our
:03:59. > :04:01.fault, I say us... Men. How often does that happen? Christmas doesn't
:04:02. > :04:06.come early, it can be sent on every year, but how often does it come and
:04:07. > :04:09.you find yourself as a bloke, the 2nd of December commit no presents
:04:10. > :04:15.bought, no beer in and you have to go, oh, Christmas has snuck up on me
:04:16. > :04:20.this year. This whole thing of Christmas ad starting early, it's
:04:21. > :04:25.like when you've got to get up at $7 you set your alarm for half five.
:04:26. > :04:31.Because you know that you're going to be pressing snooze for a good 90
:04:32. > :04:36.minutes, and it is still gets to seven and you go, I'm late. That's
:04:37. > :04:40.an analogy for what is happening in general with the whole Christmas
:04:41. > :04:45.being advertised, and I understand it but I also resent it, having said
:04:46. > :04:48.that. It's not so much the appetising, but the ridiculous
:04:49. > :04:54.preparations early. I was in my local supermarket in October,
:04:55. > :05:00.selling stuff on October, mince pies... And the mince pies had a
:05:01. > :05:04.best before date of November 12. That just made me sad because I
:05:05. > :05:08.thought somebody's celebrate in Christmas early, that's who's that
:05:09. > :05:16.fourth. Enemy celebrates it early for a happy reason. No... That and
:05:17. > :05:22.nobody celebrated early. Grandad's not going to make it this year.
:05:23. > :05:29.We'll buy some mince pies and will have them in November! Your uncle
:05:30. > :05:36.John is going back inside! But it's the ads, that's the thing. The Coke
:05:37. > :05:46.ads, the American Coke ads at Christmas... Holidays are coming!
:05:47. > :05:51.It's less terrifying than that! That they say it! Holidays are coming...
:05:52. > :05:59.Holidays are coming... . They said that there were teasing -- tears in
:06:00. > :06:08.their eyes watching it. I love Coke! It brings a tear to my eye! Holidays
:06:09. > :06:13.are coming! There is a brilliant ad for Irn-Bru. And he seen it? This is
:06:14. > :06:17.the Scottish version where you know Christmas is coming. There is an
:06:18. > :06:22.Irn-Bru and that he been running for a puny years now and it is a Mickey
:06:23. > :06:28.take of the snowman, right, so it's the same animation,... Walking in
:06:29. > :06:37.the air! Not that though, a Scottish version. A snowman to my wee boy, a
:06:38. > :06:41.can of Irn-Bru and they go flying through the air usual thing, and the
:06:42. > :06:48.snowman see the Irn-Bru and those give us a drink, and they are
:06:49. > :06:54.flying, drinking, la la la and then he smacks him into a chimney, and
:06:55. > :07:02.then he drops the can, and drops the child, and flies off. That they
:07:03. > :07:09.Christmas ad! The true spirit of Christmas, right there. I think the
:07:10. > :07:11.saddest thing I've seen sold for Christmas, though, and again in my
:07:12. > :07:21.local supermarket was single slices of Christmas cake. Not even two
:07:22. > :07:28.slices. A single slice. Who buys a single slice of Christmas cake and
:07:29. > :07:37.just sits there... Put! Standing on one end of a cracker... LAUGHTER
:07:38. > :07:43.This is what I get for having Christmas in November! It's the
:07:44. > :07:50.presence you get bought, presents you need to be careful. Now,
:07:51. > :07:58.presence you get bored, I get bought a joke book, right? LAUGHTER
:07:59. > :08:02.Now, anyone who has watched this show... It's not funny. Anyone who
:08:03. > :08:07.has watched this show for ten years knows I don't do jokes. They will
:08:08. > :08:14.know that for a fact. I had put it away and forgotten about it. May you
:08:15. > :08:18.shouldn't. I forgot about it for three years and then I gave it back
:08:19. > :08:23.to the person... Who gave it to me. Is that why it's frosty between the
:08:24. > :08:30.two of you? You would have got away with it, except they inscribed the
:08:31. > :08:37.fly list to Jake happy Christmas 1989. I got a top man voucher. A top
:08:38. > :08:41.man voucher, right question mark and 50. I quite literally can't give it
:08:42. > :08:45.away without looking like a paedophile. Can you imagine going to
:08:46. > :08:59.top man with... Yes, indeed, the Christmas market is
:09:00. > :09:02.back in Belfast. Apparently if you post a letter to Santa Claus from
:09:03. > :09:08.the market you are guaranteed a reply. I'm not so sure. I sent a
:09:09. > :09:12.letter weeks ago asking Santa if he was a categoric Protestant? I still
:09:13. > :09:18.haven't heard anything back! So what is our next question? Who do you
:09:19. > :09:22.blame for wasting money? Good News, Northern Ireland in of the Autumn
:09:23. > :09:25.Statement, Northern Ireland got an extra ?250 million. The assembly
:09:26. > :09:28.will decide how to spend the money. So half will go to vital
:09:29. > :09:39.infrastructure projects, and the other half to Dee Stitt's flute
:09:40. > :09:42.band. LAUGHTER And there is controversy in Britain
:09:43. > :09:48.as it emerged that the cost of repairing Buckingham Palace was ?369
:09:49. > :09:52.million. To be honest, we're lucky Buckingham Palace is in London
:09:53. > :09:57.because if it was in Northern Ireland, NAMA would have sold it for
:09:58. > :10:02.40 grand in cash and a year's supplier of cheese and onion crisps.
:10:03. > :10:09.Northern Ireland cheese and onion, the good stuff! But who can we blame
:10:10. > :10:15.for wasting money? I said last week, the exchange, because they gave it a
:10:16. > :10:19.green light. Typical Northern Ireland, give a green light but no
:10:20. > :10:24.money for it. I asked Sander. I asked Sander on the radio and he
:10:25. > :10:32.sent us ?250 million. There is a Santa! I blame the politicians, I
:10:33. > :10:36.blame the assembly, the imbeciles that we call MLAs. Leave aside the
:10:37. > :10:42.3.5 million that never happened on that stadium. There was 16 million
:10:43. > :10:46.on the education and skills and -- education skills authority, that
:10:47. > :10:52.didn't happen. Leave it to the site. 21 million wasted on Cadell. Forget
:10:53. > :10:54.about red sky, NAMA, social investment funds that were going
:10:55. > :10:57.through right now, and renewable energy fund that will cost up to ?1
:10:58. > :11:01.billion that we will be going through in the next three months,
:11:02. > :11:05.and that will be put to the site. I'm not saying our politicians are
:11:06. > :11:09.corrupt... LAUGHTER They are too stupid to be corrupt!
:11:10. > :11:15.That's what I'm saying, this is unbelievable, and the thing is still
:11:16. > :11:23.going on, Dee Stitt hasn't gone away, you know. We Dee Stitt was
:11:24. > :11:27.supposed to stand down and didn't. Even Arlene couldn't frighten Dee
:11:28. > :11:31.Stitt to stand down. And she can frighten most men do stand down,
:11:32. > :11:37.right? Soap de's on his last written warning. Can you imagine? How to
:11:38. > :11:44.choose who is going to give him that letter! All right, lads, pick a
:11:45. > :11:56.straw. Biggest draw. How would you? If you are Dee Stitt... Look,
:11:57. > :12:00.there's Arlene! Not me! Not me! You said 370 million quid to refurbish
:12:01. > :12:07.bragging rights. Isn't it time that he downsizes, now? All the kids are
:12:08. > :12:13.gone... She's 90, her man's 95. She is got 775 rooms. Just open plan!
:12:14. > :12:16.Knock through. Do what most normal people do in that situation, too
:12:17. > :12:20.many real scummy unit they view of them out. Basically when she goes on
:12:21. > :12:28.holiday she goes on Prince Charles's renting a rooms out, and turn it
:12:29. > :12:34.into a air B She won't move out, she said it would be more expensive
:12:35. > :12:40.to move them out, because it is big so they will work. They will live on
:12:41. > :12:43.the other end, and as they finish a bet they will move around, and I
:12:44. > :12:55.like the idea of a Queen having somebody builders in. She, anyone?
:12:56. > :13:02.Derby two sugars, love! 775 rooms. Yeah? The Cluedo version of that...
:13:03. > :13:15.You'd never solve it, would you? If Prince Charles were example wanted
:13:16. > :13:19.to kill somebody... I actually wanted is not to get the job, but
:13:20. > :13:23.you went to my dark, that's fine. They are talking about putting the
:13:24. > :13:27.rates on and certain people are exempt, Churchill are exempt, church
:13:28. > :13:31.halls, parish halls don't have to pay any business rates anywhere,
:13:32. > :13:41.like charity shops don't have to pay them. They do. Dave want them to. --
:13:42. > :13:47.they want them to. I think there should be a flag tax... Somebody
:13:48. > :13:51.suggested it and I thought it was a genius idea. Every single flag that
:13:52. > :13:55.is up, no matter who butted up, whatever side it is on, whatever
:13:56. > :13:59.colour it is, someone gets a bill. Stop at random, somebody on the
:14:00. > :14:08.street, there's 50 quid a bill. For what? That. And Ron! It so much more
:14:09. > :14:11.exciting living here, I live in a little village in Essex, and the
:14:12. > :14:19.current hot button topic that finance is it's going to cost quite
:14:20. > :14:24.a lot to drain the duck pond. There have been some divisions on the
:14:25. > :14:31.parish council! Who's going to pick up the bill?! LAUGHTER
:14:32. > :14:44.That could restart the troubles! The biggest waste of money in this
:14:45. > :14:48.jurisdiction. In Northern Ireland, ?1 billion over renewable energies.
:14:49. > :14:56.Let me get this straight, everywhere else in the UK there was a cap, here
:14:57. > :15:05.they said let's not put a cap on it. Put another blue badge on the fire.
:15:06. > :15:10.There is no way. Farmers are being paid to delete empty barns. They
:15:11. > :15:16.will grant us more money for the more he continues. If it is
:15:17. > :15:20.renewable energy? If Jesus comes back to Northern Ireland, it is a
:15:21. > :15:29.good thing. If he's born in a stable, it will be heated. Arlene
:15:30. > :15:33.Foster was the minister concerned. When she was asked why, she said it
:15:34. > :15:38.was the civil service's fault. She could not be expected to know the
:15:39. > :15:47.details. Basically what I thought politicians were elected to do. Call
:15:48. > :15:57.me old-fashioned! She would be great on The Prentice. Well I was just
:15:58. > :16:08.project manager. Martin McGuinness would be great on that show. Thank
:16:09. > :16:11.you very much for that, the refurbishment of Buckingham Palace
:16:12. > :16:15.will take ten years to complete. Only supposed to take three years,
:16:16. > :16:20.they remembered after Brexit Polish plumbers will be in short supply!
:16:21. > :16:29.What is our next question? Who do you blame for Heinz beans? A recent
:16:30. > :16:32.advert showed you how to drum a tune on an empty can. After I eat a tin
:16:33. > :16:41.of beans, the last thing I need is more percussion! In the advert,
:16:42. > :16:48.Heinz issued simple instructions how to use an empty can, wash it, take
:16:49. > :16:55.it up, beat it, also the name of the new Fifty Shades Of Grey movie. He
:16:56. > :16:58.can we blame for Heinz been? You said in the effort they gave the
:16:59. > :17:05.safety advice, but they did not, that is why it was banned. They hit
:17:06. > :17:10.it often is. Playing the music. People complain. No safety advice in
:17:11. > :17:14.the particular advert. Nine people rung up, saying it is very
:17:15. > :17:20.dangerous. That is how they'll talk. It is very dangerous. What is the up
:17:21. > :17:29.a child from taking the can and shoving it up the hole? You just
:17:30. > :17:34.don't know, it does not save the advert, you just don't know. A long
:17:35. > :17:41.line of children walking in and out, I have a Canon up my hole, the Echo
:17:42. > :17:46.effect. What happens of the child cuts off the top, then lets the rim.
:17:47. > :17:56.Coming off their tongue. I have no time for us it is just moronic. Some
:17:57. > :18:24.people say should be banned, some people say there is a good effort.
:18:25. > :18:37.Absolutely legal! -- lethal! Is the safety issue, if you do not stop
:18:38. > :18:42.banging that tin, I will break your fingers? That seems to be the safety
:18:43. > :18:48.issue. It is clever. That is not the health and safety issue of the week,
:18:49. > :18:54.that is the farmer. Have you seen this question he turns up to the
:18:55. > :19:05.place, disposing hazardous material. He had four kilograms, about ten lbs
:19:06. > :19:12.in old money. Cyanide. On his farm. Enough to take out the whole county.
:19:13. > :19:19.About 70 or 80,000 people in Ross County. He could have killed all of
:19:20. > :19:22.them. Do you remember the old days, when a farmer had something that
:19:23. > :19:26.could take out the whole county, just fertiliser, the good old days.
:19:27. > :19:31.He said he used to use it in the 70s, he used to use cyanide to kill
:19:32. > :19:39.rabbits, and landmines to kill foxes! He had it, gave it away, the
:19:40. > :19:41.right thing to do. It is the any constituency in the whole Republican
:19:42. > :19:55.voting against equal marriage, what was he planning to do? I have an
:19:56. > :19:59.ingredient for you... A lot of people complain, health and safety
:20:00. > :20:08.gone mad. It is not, people are stupid, that is why health and
:20:09. > :20:12.safety legislation. Somebody did it, that is the reason they often bring
:20:13. > :20:16.it in. If you buy an electronic device, there is little bag of
:20:17. > :20:18.silicone gel, and written on it, do not eat them that is because some
:20:19. > :20:30.cars -- ass hole eight the silicone gel.
:20:31. > :20:38.Any hired a lawyer, he said nobody told him not to eat it. -- has eaten
:20:39. > :20:47.the silicon gel. You are right about people being morons. Don't point. I
:20:48. > :20:50.am agreeing with you. You know the sign in the airport on the
:20:51. > :20:56.travelator, face direction of travel. I was on it with my friend,
:20:57. > :21:04.it said that, he looked at me, we were flying to France. But I don't
:21:05. > :21:11.know which way is East. Thank you for that. Yes, bags of salad can
:21:12. > :21:15.cause food poisoning. And advert warning of the dangers of eating
:21:16. > :21:22.salad has gone out all across the UK, apart from Stormont. The PS and
:21:23. > :21:27.I will wear permanent body cameras, on the whole time the police officer
:21:28. > :21:30.is on duty. Republicans are suspicious, human rights groups are
:21:31. > :21:35.concerned, and chip shop owners are delighted with the free publicity.
:21:36. > :21:41.If you would like to ask the panel the question, e-mail us. What is our
:21:42. > :21:49.next question tonight? Who do you blame for an Ulster man's Castle
:21:50. > :21:56.being his car. An Ulsterman bought a Ferrari for ?1.6 million. Goes from
:21:57. > :22:01.0- 60 in three seconds. 0- 60 in one hour a half when it is on the West
:22:02. > :22:10.Link. To be honest, I don't need a ?1.6 million car from my manhood is
:22:11. > :22:14.a normal size. He can be blamed for an Ulsterman's Castle being his
:22:15. > :22:23.carcass you are taller than normal, it probably look small. That is the
:22:24. > :22:29.thing this men who buy, especially particularly red racing cars, this
:22:30. > :22:34.one was a red Ferrari, they are somehow compensating for something
:22:35. > :22:37.else lacking in their life. They did research on this, they found that it
:22:38. > :22:40.is actually true, they asked the selection and then you only
:22:41. > :22:49.supercars, what they thought about the downstairs region, is it, do you
:22:50. > :22:57.know what I mean.... Or was it average? The majority said, short of
:22:58. > :23:05.average. The other one was saying, the holidays are coming. Some ideas.
:23:06. > :23:10.-- somebody is! The majority of these men thought they were slightly
:23:11. > :23:13.above average. Then they asked the partners of the people who moan
:23:14. > :23:23.because, and they said the complete opposite. 0- 60 in three seconds,
:23:24. > :23:28.cost 1.6 million, he is Philip Shields, he owns 15 Ferrari 's. He
:23:29. > :23:43.lives in County Down. His address is... West Belfast suddenly tuned
:23:44. > :23:50.in. He has a massive garage. He has a massive red Ferrari, the need to
:23:51. > :23:58.overcompensate, look at me. I don't, I have a small black felt Lagan
:23:59. > :24:03.Paulo. 1.2, ladies. -- small black Volkswagen Polo. His road tax is
:24:04. > :24:08.?1100 a year. If you can afford 1.6 million, you just go, whatever. He
:24:09. > :24:15.has bought another one, it is insane. He has 15. The speed limit
:24:16. > :24:31.is 70 mph. My Volkswagen Polo will go 70. And I have a big... I met a
:24:32. > :24:35.guy who had a Ferrari, not a mad expensive one, it was from the
:24:36. > :24:41.1980s, exactly the same as Magnum PI. I don't know him well, he said
:24:42. > :24:48.he was in a back country lane in Ireland, he got pulled over by a
:24:49. > :25:00.Guard, who said it is your car? Yes, it is. Give us a go! Feet got in the
:25:01. > :25:12.car, left him, took. He did not go with him? He just took the car for
:25:13. > :25:20.20 minutes, came back, lovely. 259 Carfax in Derry -- car thefts in
:25:21. > :25:35.Derry? How desperate people to get out? Thought you were doing a
:25:36. > :25:45.headline, none stolen in Clare. -- a nun. There is no traffic there. If
:25:46. > :25:50.you are in the county from you would say, get in, getting boys. -- get
:25:51. > :26:01.in, boys. Thank you for that. Just time for
:26:02. > :26:06.this week's news. I will read you various newspaper headlines, I want
:26:07. > :26:19.you to be faster than a joyrider in a ?1.16 Ferrari. Calling Carl
:26:20. > :26:20.Frampton a divorce. -- a dwarf. Tim McGarry to star in the next Fifty
:26:21. > :26:29.Shades Of Grey. Not a few other dolphin! -- if you
:26:30. > :26:42.are a dolphin. If they do, this'll be the last of
:26:43. > :27:06.this show. Barra best takes acid before the
:27:07. > :27:20.weather forecast. It would be easier than building
:27:21. > :27:46.Casement Park. Katie Hopkins autobiography
:27:47. > :27:59.released. APPLAUSE.
:28:00. > :28:00.That is it, the end of the show, show your appreciation for the
:28:01. > :28:16.panel. I am Tim McGarry, until next week,
:28:17. > :28:40.don't blame yourselves, blame each other! Goodbye.
:28:41. > :28:41.Who knows where it's going to take me?
:28:42. > :28:43.Maybe I'm related to a few criminals.