9:20:29 > 9:20:34This programme contains some strong language.
9:20:44 > 9:20:47CHEERING
9:20:56 > 9:20:58Hello, hello, and welcome to The Blame Game,
9:20:58 > 9:21:01the show that is hotter than a farmer's empty barn.
9:21:02 > 9:21:06I'm Tim McGarry and, as always, our regular panellists are, of course,
9:21:06 > 9:21:10Colin Murphy, Jake O'Kane and Neil Delamere!
9:21:10 > 9:21:14CHEERING
9:21:14 > 9:21:18And our special guest tonight is a superb stand-up comedian.
9:21:18 > 9:21:21She has written for The Last Leg, Mock The Week and 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
9:21:21 > 9:21:23Her brilliant new solo show is called Common
9:21:23 > 9:21:26and celebrates her working-class roots,
9:21:26 > 9:21:28which is why she wasn't asked
9:21:28 > 9:21:30to switch on the Christmas tree lights in Cultra.
9:21:32 > 9:21:35Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the wonderful Suzi Ruffell!
9:21:35 > 9:21:38CHEERING
9:21:40 > 9:21:42Now on with the show.
9:21:42 > 9:21:43The audience ask the questions
9:21:43 > 9:21:46and our panel provide some very unreliable answers.
9:21:46 > 9:21:48So, what questions did you, the audience, ask us tonight?
9:21:48 > 9:21:51We got some strange questions from the audience tonight. We got,
9:21:51 > 9:21:55"Who is to blame for me having to be here despite having the norovirus?"
9:22:03 > 9:22:06Everybody... Everybody is now going...
9:22:07 > 9:22:09It's all very well for you. The NHS is free!
9:22:09 > 9:22:11That's not funny where I'm from!
9:22:15 > 9:22:19"Who is to blame for the show being mega?
9:22:19 > 9:22:20"Every time I watch the show,
9:22:20 > 9:22:23"the word 'mega' is seen behind in very large letters."
9:22:23 > 9:22:27LAUGHTER
9:22:27 > 9:22:28APPLAUSE
9:22:30 > 9:22:33Richard from the Waterside in Derry, thank you for that.
9:22:33 > 9:22:35Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's Christmas time
9:22:35 > 9:22:38and children everywhere are looking forward to Santa coming,
9:22:38 > 9:22:42but bad news, children, Santa lives in Lapland and he works very hard,
9:22:42 > 9:22:44so he is a migrant worker.
9:22:44 > 9:22:48After Brexit, he'd need a visa to come down your chimney.
9:22:48 > 9:22:50Our first question comes via e-mail.
9:22:50 > 9:22:54It's from Charlotte in County Down and Charlotte is only 14.
9:22:54 > 9:22:58Isn't that lovely? And, Charlotte, on behalf of everyone on the panel,
9:22:58 > 9:23:01can I just say, what the hell are you doing up at this time of night?
9:23:01 > 9:23:02It's nearly 11 o'clock!
9:23:02 > 9:23:05When I was your age, I was in bed at nine!
9:23:05 > 9:23:07Of course, you could be watching this on the iPlayer,
9:23:07 > 9:23:10in which case, thank you for your lovely questions.
9:23:10 > 9:23:15Charlotte asks, "Who do you blame for the Carrickfergus goat?"
9:23:15 > 9:23:18LAUGHTER
9:23:18 > 9:23:22Yes, a goat got loose and caused chaos in Carrickfergus.
9:23:22 > 9:23:25The billy goat butted a pensioner called Billy.
9:23:26 > 9:23:28Two Billys in Carrickfergus?
9:23:28 > 9:23:30What are the odds?!
9:23:30 > 9:23:33LAUGHTER
9:23:33 > 9:23:36APPLAUSE
9:23:38 > 9:23:41The badly behaved goat was eventually caught and taken away.
9:23:41 > 9:23:44We don't know what happened to it, but apparently,
9:23:44 > 9:23:47the local Orange Lodge are getting a superb new Lambeg drum.
9:23:48 > 9:23:52But who can we blame for the Carrickfergus goat?
9:23:52 > 9:23:54The Carrickfergus goat has just brightened my week,
9:23:54 > 9:23:57and the footage of the Carrickfergus goat was quite disappointing,
9:23:57 > 9:24:01but there is a brilliant still, I saw it on one of the online sites,
9:24:01 > 9:24:03and the goat is really pissed off and...
9:24:03 > 9:24:06He wants into the Eurospar, that's what he wants,
9:24:06 > 9:24:08that's all he wants in life. This goat has been...
9:24:08 > 9:24:10He obviously lives near the Eurospar,
9:24:10 > 9:24:12he can smell the sausage rolls in the Eurospar.
9:24:12 > 9:24:14He is just lying in his field, eating his grass,
9:24:14 > 9:24:16going, "Someday I'm getting to that Eurospar,"
9:24:16 > 9:24:18and he was just dying to.
9:24:18 > 9:24:20And then he arrives and your man panics.
9:24:20 > 9:24:226.20 in the morning, this was. There's an awful lot of traffic
9:24:22 > 9:24:24in this particular Eurospar at 6.20 in the morning!
9:24:24 > 9:24:27Old fella, pensioner, up, bugger all to do, obviously,
9:24:27 > 9:24:31so he just thinks, "I'm going for a pint of milk," and he's in and the next thing, goat.
9:24:31 > 9:24:35"What the hell?!" Which I... That's probably exactly what he said
9:24:35 > 9:24:37because that's what an old fella would say when a goat...
9:24:37 > 9:24:39"What the hell? In the name of...!"
9:24:40 > 9:24:42No words come out when an old fella gets...
9:24:42 > 9:24:45When something happens to an old fella, it's, "What the..."
9:24:45 > 9:24:46Beats the goat with a newspaper,
9:24:46 > 9:24:48you could guarantee he'd have a newspaper.
9:24:48 > 9:24:50He's got the newsletter, beating it.
9:24:50 > 9:24:52They wouldn't sell him any Irish News in Carrickfergus.
9:24:52 > 9:24:56And I saw the headline, "Goat Runs Rampage In Carrickfergus,"
9:24:56 > 9:24:59and I thought, "At last, a reason to visit Carrickfergus!"
9:24:59 > 9:25:02It was very exciting, it ran around...
9:25:02 > 9:25:06It ran amok, that's what they said. "It ran amok!"
9:25:06 > 9:25:09And it ran around the forecourt, jumped on a car,
9:25:09 > 9:25:12all over the car, dented the car, two people in the car,
9:25:12 > 9:25:15then it ate some flowers outside...
9:25:15 > 9:25:16Yeah, yeah, ran amok!
9:25:18 > 9:25:21Behaved like a goat, I think you'll find!
9:25:21 > 9:25:24And it... 30 minutes, this went on. 30 minutes.
9:25:24 > 9:25:26Do you know how far the police station in Carrickfergus is
9:25:26 > 9:25:28from this particular Eurospar?
9:25:28 > 9:25:30I'm not joking, I looked it up on Google maps.
9:25:30 > 9:25:33It is one third of a mile.
9:25:33 > 9:25:36It took 30 minutes. They still didn't turn up.
9:25:36 > 9:25:38If you had rung them and said,
9:25:38 > 9:25:40"There's someone stealing sausage rolls here."
9:25:40 > 9:25:44- HE IMITATES A SIREN - Just...in seconds.
9:25:44 > 9:25:46"Get your hands off the sausage rolls!"
9:25:49 > 9:25:53LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
9:25:53 > 9:25:55But it wasn't... I looked it up.
9:25:55 > 9:25:57I thought this was funny when I heard it first,
9:25:57 > 9:25:59but then I saw the size of the goat.
9:25:59 > 9:26:01It was massive! It was like a bear with horns! It was huge!
9:26:01 > 9:26:04And then the shop owner was making jokes about it!
9:26:04 > 9:26:07He was going, "He head-butted a guy called Billy. Ha-ha-ha-ha!"
9:26:07 > 9:26:10I thought, "Oh, you must be kidding! Ha-ha-ha!"
9:26:10 > 9:26:13"Capricorns are very aggressive! Ha-ha-ha!" You're just thinking,
9:26:13 > 9:26:17poor old Billy probably regrets wearing the mohair, cashmere jumper.
9:26:17 > 9:26:18You know what I thought.
9:26:18 > 9:26:21The worst, most hyperbolic, shall we say, headline.
9:26:21 > 9:26:24You said it was "He Ran Amok". No, no, no.
9:26:24 > 9:26:27"Goat Head-butts Pensioner In Shop Siege."
9:26:27 > 9:26:29- Siege?- Siege!
9:26:29 > 9:26:31Now, siege... Siege!
9:26:31 > 9:26:33- SUZI:- That sounds like a movie!
9:26:33 > 9:26:34I have seen Under Siege.
9:26:34 > 9:26:36Now, I think that would be a worse film
9:26:36 > 9:26:38if that was the plot of Under Siege.
9:26:38 > 9:26:40Well, somebody pitching to an agent.
9:26:40 > 9:26:42"Do you think we should have Steven Seagal?
9:26:42 > 9:26:44"Should we have terrorists take over the USS Missouri
9:26:44 > 9:26:46"and take their Tomahawk missiles?"
9:26:46 > 9:26:48"No, I've got a better idea than that.
9:26:48 > 9:26:52"A goat knocks into a shop in Carrickfergus."
9:26:52 > 9:26:54- It's immense! - And takes people hostage.
9:26:54 > 9:26:56And takes people hostage, yes. And then they said,
9:26:56 > 9:26:58another one said, "Went on the rampage,"
9:26:58 > 9:27:00as you said, "after he was refused entry."
9:27:00 > 9:27:03After he was refused entry!
9:27:03 > 9:27:05Sounds like he's a bouncer!
9:27:05 > 9:27:07Yeah, yeah!
9:27:07 > 9:27:09With the bouncer going, "You can't come in, you're wearing hooves."
9:27:09 > 9:27:12- It's...- "Got any ID? Come on, come on!"
9:27:12 > 9:27:15- It's brilliant.- There was a brilliant line, though,
9:27:15 > 9:27:16at the end of the report I read.
9:27:16 > 9:27:17And it said...
9:27:17 > 9:27:19Right, this was the last line of the thing.
9:27:19 > 9:27:23"It ended when a man believed to be the goat's owner arrived
9:27:23 > 9:27:25"and dragged it off by the horns."
9:27:25 > 9:27:27Now, the important bit of that sentence is,
9:27:27 > 9:27:30"a man BELIEVED to be the goat's owner..."
9:27:30 > 9:27:33Nobody around going, "Hey, boy, is that your goat?"
9:27:33 > 9:27:36"Aye, aye! Come on, you, back to my house!"
9:27:36 > 9:27:39And it also... The other great bit was that
9:27:39 > 9:27:42they warned the woman who was driving in by car
9:27:42 > 9:27:45by shouting, "GOAT!"
9:27:45 > 9:27:47And she went, "What?"
9:27:47 > 9:27:51Not, "There is a goat," or, "Mind out, Jesus, there's a big goat."
9:27:51 > 9:27:52"Ugh! GOAT!"
9:27:52 > 9:27:54Probably flicking through the signs.
9:27:54 > 9:27:56They've always got signs at petrol stations
9:27:56 > 9:27:57for spilt oil, watch out, slippery when wet...
9:27:57 > 9:28:00"Where's the goat sign?! Where's that...?"
9:28:00 > 9:28:01There is the best...
9:28:01 > 9:28:05Well, not the best, it's another massive story online, really,
9:28:05 > 9:28:08viral story, I suppose,
9:28:08 > 9:28:12is the most Australian thing in the world that happened this week
9:28:12 > 9:28:15where a man punched a kangaroo in the face.
9:28:15 > 9:28:18It's... It divided opinion.
9:28:18 > 9:28:19Some people thought it was quite...
9:28:19 > 9:28:22It is pretty full-on.
9:28:22 > 9:28:25I looked... I saw the headlines, "Man Punches Kangaroo,"
9:28:25 > 9:28:27and I thought... I'm like, "Oh! Aw!"
9:28:27 > 9:28:30What happened was, this kangaroo...
9:28:30 > 9:28:33Your man was out hunting and he had two big scary-looking dogs
9:28:33 > 9:28:35and one of them had gone up to the kangaroo,
9:28:35 > 9:28:38big red back kangaroo, huge big thing, and the kangaroo,
9:28:38 > 9:28:40for some reason...
9:28:40 > 9:28:42- LAUGHING:- ..got the dog in a headlock.
9:28:43 > 9:28:46It's the funniest... It's going...
9:28:46 > 9:28:49- "Come on, you!" - Did he do the thing with the head?
9:28:49 > 9:28:51"Ohhhhh!"
9:28:51 > 9:28:54- We have footage, do you want...? We have the footage.- It is...
9:28:54 > 9:28:57- No, seriously, the end of it... - We'll have a review of this.
9:28:57 > 9:28:59See what you think of this, ladies and gentlemen.
9:28:59 > 9:29:00The end of it, just be careful.
9:29:18 > 9:29:21- It's...- It stood its ground, the kangaroo stood its ground.
9:29:21 > 9:29:24"Come on, is that the best you've got? Come on, come on!"
9:29:24 > 9:29:25It genuinely was like that.
9:29:25 > 9:29:28He had the thing and I loved that bit when he went, "Come on, you!"
9:29:28 > 9:29:30And then he runs over and...
9:29:30 > 9:29:32He had no need to hit the kangaroo, really,
9:29:32 > 9:29:35because the kangaroo had let go whenever your man came over,
9:29:35 > 9:29:37it just let go, so he could have just walked away.
9:29:37 > 9:29:40But he didn't cos he was a big Aussie, you know, "I'm a man,"
9:29:40 > 9:29:43and he saw a kangaroo and squared up to it and then he thought,
9:29:43 > 9:29:44"Oh, I can't back down now."
9:29:44 > 9:29:47And the kangaroo is looking at him and going,
9:29:47 > 9:29:50"Are you really going to do what I think you're going to do?"
9:29:50 > 9:29:53And then the guy smacked him and then... See the speed he walks away?
9:29:53 > 9:29:55He's like, "Yeah, that's you. Ohh..."
9:29:55 > 9:29:58Cos the kangaroo is looking at him, going...
9:29:58 > 9:30:01"Did you just hit me in the face?"
9:30:01 > 9:30:03How does he explain that to his friends?
9:30:03 > 9:30:05"I had to hit him, he was looking at me."
9:30:05 > 9:30:06He is a real kangaroo
9:30:06 > 9:30:09and, guess what, that kangaroo, sadly enough...
9:30:09 > 9:30:12The man who hit the kangaroo is actually probably going to
9:30:12 > 9:30:15get nominated ahead of Carl Frampton
9:30:15 > 9:30:19for the BBC Sports Personality Of The Year Award.
9:30:19 > 9:30:22APPLAUSE
9:30:22 > 9:30:26The thing I like is, obviously, that Aussie guy's mate is filming it,
9:30:26 > 9:30:29so rather than being like, "Should we both go and help my dog?"
9:30:29 > 9:30:32He's like, "No, mate, you know what, we'll work out what happens,
9:30:32 > 9:30:34"but I'll definitely have a video."
9:30:36 > 9:30:38Thank you, thank you very much for that.
9:30:38 > 9:30:41Yes, indeed, a man punched a kangaroo in the face.
9:30:41 > 9:30:45The kangaroo was very shocked and is still feeling a little jumpy.
9:30:45 > 9:30:47GROANING AND LAUGHTER
9:30:47 > 9:30:49No, I like it, I like it!
9:30:49 > 9:30:52APPLAUSE
9:30:52 > 9:30:54So, what's our next question tonight?
9:30:54 > 9:30:57Who do you blame for Northern Ireland being so hot?
9:30:57 > 9:31:00Yes, one of Northern Ireland's hottest days this year
9:31:00 > 9:31:03was in December, because this is Northern Ireland,
9:31:03 > 9:31:05even our weather is thrawn.
9:31:06 > 9:31:09On Wednesday, Derry was actually as warm as Paris,
9:31:09 > 9:31:12and there Derry's comparison with Paris ends.
9:31:15 > 9:31:17Oh, please! We need Disneyland Derry!
9:31:17 > 9:31:19That would be amazing!
9:31:20 > 9:31:24But who can we blame for Northern Ireland being so hot?
9:31:24 > 9:31:28I blame... I blame chicken farmers. Chicken farmers who have
9:31:28 > 9:31:31their new renewable heating boilers turned to max
9:31:31 > 9:31:33and they've left their windows open.
9:31:33 > 9:31:36You may as well get used to this, you're going to hear a lot more
9:31:36 > 9:31:39about this RHI - Renewable Heat Initiative - and it's going to make
9:31:39 > 9:31:42Red Sky, Nama and Charter NI look like chicken feed.
9:31:43 > 9:31:45- Do you like that?- Yeah, I liked it, I saw what you did.
9:31:45 > 9:31:49Only our politicians could take a good idea -
9:31:49 > 9:31:54and the idea was very simple, where we change from fossil-fuel boilers
9:31:54 > 9:31:57into more environmental boilers - and mess it up.
9:31:57 > 9:31:59Now, that's not hard, you know what I mean?
9:31:59 > 9:32:02It wouldn't be hard. How could you mess that up?
9:32:02 > 9:32:03Well, how you could mess that up is,
9:32:03 > 9:32:06they were giving a subsidy to people for changing the boilers.
9:32:06 > 9:32:10The way you mess it up is by not putting a cap on the subsidy,
9:32:10 > 9:32:16so if the farmer is spending £100 on his heating,
9:32:16 > 9:32:21then the Northern Ireland Executive is giving him £110.
9:32:21 > 9:32:25We are the first government in history to invent a form,
9:32:25 > 9:32:27a way of burning money!
9:32:30 > 9:32:33You can't blame the chicken farmers, do you know what I mean?
9:32:33 > 9:32:36I would have my boiler turned up to Burn Baby Burn too.
9:32:36 > 9:32:38On a positive note...
9:32:38 > 9:32:41You know chicken farmers in most places say it's disgraceful
9:32:41 > 9:32:43because the poor wee chickens have no feathers.
9:32:43 > 9:32:46In Northern Ireland, the chickens are so hot,
9:32:46 > 9:32:49they are plucking their own feathers off!
9:32:49 > 9:32:52First country in the world you are going to get
9:32:52 > 9:32:55precooked chickens in the supermarket from the farm.
9:32:55 > 9:32:58This is the biggest scandal, in terms of money,
9:32:58 > 9:33:02- since devolution, isn't it? - So far!
9:33:02 > 9:33:04It's 400 million. 400 million!
9:33:04 > 9:33:06If you don't understand what that is,
9:33:06 > 9:33:09£400 million is about 500 million euro,
9:33:09 > 9:33:11or 233 Dee Stitts.
9:33:13 > 9:33:16LAUGHTER
9:33:16 > 9:33:18APPLAUSE
9:33:21 > 9:33:23So, one... Try and get quicker.
9:33:23 > 9:33:25Try and get quicker.
9:33:25 > 9:33:29One e-mail could have saved the Northern Irish taxpayer millions
9:33:29 > 9:33:31- and millions and millions and... - Hundreds of millions.
9:33:31 > 9:33:33Hundreds of millions, sorry. And Arlene Foster, apparently,
9:33:33 > 9:33:36didn't respond to it even though she was the Minister involved,
9:33:36 > 9:33:38and you think, well, she should have responded to that,
9:33:38 > 9:33:40but usually when you get an e-mail
9:33:40 > 9:33:44that says you could get millions and millions and millions, you think,
9:33:44 > 9:33:49"This Nigerian fellow doesn't need to know my bank account details."
9:33:49 > 9:33:50Did you hear what Mike Nesbitt said?
9:33:50 > 9:33:52Mike Nesbitt said, and I wrote it down,
9:33:52 > 9:33:54"We will be paying for this for 20 years.
9:33:54 > 9:33:58"There are children not yet born who will become mothers and fathers
9:33:58 > 9:34:00"before this debt is paid off,
9:34:00 > 9:34:04"and in West Belfast, worse - grandmothers and grandfathers."
9:34:06 > 9:34:08I couldn't believe it when I arrived today,
9:34:08 > 9:34:13because I flew over this morning and came in and I was all wrapped up
9:34:13 > 9:34:16cos I assumed it would be freezing because, no matter when I gig here,
9:34:16 > 9:34:18it's always freezing cold, so I arrived
9:34:18 > 9:34:21and it was lovely and I got into my...
9:34:21 > 9:34:23got a taxi from the airport to take me into town and, you know,
9:34:23 > 9:34:26me and the taxi driver are having a nice little chat,
9:34:26 > 9:34:27you know, "It's very warm."
9:34:27 > 9:34:29He was a really nice guy, this taxi driver,
9:34:29 > 9:34:32and he was telling me about how he had moved around Belfast,
9:34:32 > 9:34:34all this stuff, and he's new to being a taxi driver
9:34:34 > 9:34:36and how he was enjoying it,
9:34:36 > 9:34:38people were in a better mood because the weather was so nice
9:34:38 > 9:34:41and he said to me, "Oh, it's great being a taxi driver,
9:34:41 > 9:34:43"you get all different people in the back of your cab,
9:34:43 > 9:34:45"people from all sorts of places, you get to learn about them,
9:34:45 > 9:34:47"it's really made me more open-minded.
9:34:47 > 9:34:48"I'll give you an example.
9:34:48 > 9:34:51"The other day I had a guy in the back of the cab
9:34:51 > 9:34:53"from West Belfast and do you know what?
9:34:53 > 9:34:54"He was all right."
9:34:54 > 9:34:57LAUGHTER
9:34:57 > 9:34:59This is in East Belfast?!
9:34:59 > 9:35:01Yes!
9:35:01 > 9:35:03"It took me a while to understand him, but eventually..."
9:35:03 > 9:35:06The other thing this week was that on Facebook and Twitter
9:35:06 > 9:35:09they are talking about banning terrorist videos
9:35:09 > 9:35:10and this, that and the other,
9:35:10 > 9:35:13but we have our local terrorists did their bit and did a wee video.
9:35:13 > 9:35:15Did you see their bit?
9:35:15 > 9:35:17Aye, and they said it was horrific, up in Ardoyne,
9:35:17 > 9:35:22the dissidents were out with a rocket launcher and the video and...
9:35:22 > 9:35:25And it was...horrific.
9:35:25 > 9:35:28It was horrific in the sense that the lighting was pathetic.
9:35:28 > 9:35:31Do you know what I mean?
9:35:31 > 9:35:34The editing left an awful lot to be desired.
9:35:34 > 9:35:36Props... I mean, they made...
9:35:36 > 9:35:39And the acting, it was wooden, it was wooden.
9:35:39 > 9:35:42In the old days, the IRA stood up when they walked down,
9:35:42 > 9:35:44these guys were crawling around the ground,
9:35:44 > 9:35:45but what let them down most of all...
9:35:45 > 9:35:48If you are on the internet now, you need a unique selling point,
9:35:48 > 9:35:49do you know what I mean?
9:35:49 > 9:35:52You need something to set you apart if you're a paramilitary online.
9:35:52 > 9:35:55You know what I mean? Because there's so many of them.
9:35:55 > 9:35:57But the costume, I thought...
9:35:57 > 9:35:59Like, balaclavas.
9:35:59 > 9:36:00Very 1972, isn't it?
9:36:00 > 9:36:021972!
9:36:02 > 9:36:04They need something that's going to really...
9:36:04 > 9:36:06So, I've got a suggestion for them. I've got...
9:36:06 > 9:36:08- LAUGHTER - No, no, this is serious,
9:36:08 > 9:36:09this could break it for them,
9:36:09 > 9:36:12this could make all the difference if they actually...
9:36:12 > 9:36:14I suggest that...
9:36:14 > 9:36:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
9:36:20 > 9:36:23Now, I'm only throwing this out here to the dissidents,
9:36:23 > 9:36:25I'm only saying to the Ardoyne dissidents...
9:36:25 > 9:36:28And paramilitaries could all have their own, do you know what I mean?
9:36:28 > 9:36:31They could all have, like... The UDA could do puppies.
9:36:31 > 9:36:36The UFF could do... It's actually hard to see outside this...
9:36:36 > 9:36:39I really hope someone turns on The Blame Game just at this bit.
9:36:40 > 9:36:42Do you know what not to do?
9:36:42 > 9:36:45Is that. Don't do that, don't do that.
9:36:45 > 9:36:48Once there was a UFF man did that.
9:36:48 > 9:36:51I can't take you seriously!
9:36:51 > 9:36:53He did that, a UFF man. He was reading a report,
9:36:53 > 9:36:56he was reading a report and he put his glasses on, right,
9:36:56 > 9:36:58the same glasses as he was wearing the day before
9:36:58 > 9:37:01and the police went, "We'll have you."
9:37:01 > 9:37:03It's not a great look, really, sort of...
9:37:03 > 9:37:04"Right!"
9:37:06 > 9:37:08There was a famous picture from the '70s,
9:37:08 > 9:37:11and I'm not making this up, where a guy with a home-made balaclava,
9:37:11 > 9:37:13right, holding a rifle, OK?
9:37:13 > 9:37:17Fair enough, but they got the eyes wrong,
9:37:17 > 9:37:19so there is an eye up here
9:37:19 > 9:37:22and there is an eye down there.
9:37:22 > 9:37:24And whoever is standing beside him,
9:37:24 > 9:37:27I'd be very worried if he shot because you are dead meat.
9:37:27 > 9:37:30Look at him, giving formal advice to terrorists.
9:37:30 > 9:37:32But what is our next question tonight?
9:37:32 > 9:37:36Who do you blame for tiger parenting?
9:37:36 > 9:37:38Yes, children from the South of England
9:37:38 > 9:37:40are more likely to get to the top universities.
9:37:40 > 9:37:42In Northern Ireland, we have two universities -
9:37:42 > 9:37:45Ulster University... and the proper one.
9:37:45 > 9:37:48GASPS AND LAUGHTER
9:37:48 > 9:37:49SOME BOOING
9:37:49 > 9:37:52Parents here are always worrying about their children's education.
9:37:52 > 9:37:53Not me, I'm not bothered,
9:37:53 > 9:37:56because your children can succeed in life without much education at all,
9:37:56 > 9:38:00for example, they could become chief executive of Charter NI,
9:38:00 > 9:38:03or Deputy First Minister.
9:38:03 > 9:38:06But who can we blame for tiger parenting?
9:38:06 > 9:38:08Yeah, I was quite interested in this story
9:38:08 > 9:38:10because I'm from the South of England,
9:38:10 > 9:38:13but not the South that everyone always thinks of
9:38:13 > 9:38:14as being a bit rah,
9:38:14 > 9:38:17I'm from, like, the working-class...
9:38:17 > 9:38:19Sorry, qualify the "rah".
9:38:19 > 9:38:21- LAUGHTER - OK, so, like...
9:38:21 > 9:38:23APPLAUSE
9:38:24 > 9:38:26It means something else here.
9:38:26 > 9:38:28- What does it mean here?- Oh, wow!
9:38:28 > 9:38:32Put your balaclava back on.
9:38:32 > 9:38:33LAUGHTER
9:38:33 > 9:38:38- That's the...- Yeah, yeah, OK, all right, OK, well, rah in...
9:38:38 > 9:38:41- OK, I've got it. - Rah, rah, rah, smash the oiks?
9:38:41 > 9:38:44- Yeah, it...- Gerry Adams was never in it, by the way.
9:38:44 > 9:38:46Yeah, I know that, I've done that much research!
9:38:46 > 9:38:49OK, so, rah, where I'm from, would be more like,
9:38:49 > 9:38:54"Oh, Hugo, oh, Felicity, let's get the horses, come on, let's go!"
9:38:54 > 9:38:55That's all part of the South of England,
9:38:55 > 9:38:58but the part that I'm from is a bit more like,
9:38:58 > 9:38:59"Oi-oi, all right, mate? Let's have a fight."
9:38:59 > 9:39:03And so... It... It's weird because the North and the South divide
9:39:03 > 9:39:07often sort of suggests that all of the South is really posh,
9:39:07 > 9:39:10but it's really, really not.
9:39:10 > 9:39:12I'm massively working-class,
9:39:12 > 9:39:15like, you can't trust any of my family at a free bar.
9:39:15 > 9:39:18That is the level of... Like my dad can't write in capital letters,
9:39:18 > 9:39:22like that is the family that I'm from, everyone is just a bit...
9:39:22 > 9:39:24And...
9:39:24 > 9:39:28No, no, but, like, the idea of, like, pushing your kids,
9:39:28 > 9:39:30that is what this story is about, so like mothers in...
9:39:30 > 9:39:34This idea of tiger patenting is sort of this Chinese thing,
9:39:34 > 9:39:36apparently comes from China, that Chinese mothers are really pushy
9:39:36 > 9:39:39and that's happening now in the South of England,
9:39:39 > 9:39:43pushy mothers trying to get the kids to go to these amazing universities,
9:39:43 > 9:39:45but when I was 15, I said to my mum,
9:39:45 > 9:39:49"I might go to university one day, one day I'd like to go to uni,"
9:39:49 > 9:39:51and my mum's response to me was,
9:39:51 > 9:39:54"Oh, Suze, come on, your brother is the clever one,
9:39:54 > 9:39:55"you can tap-dance!"
9:39:55 > 9:39:57LAUGHTER
9:39:57 > 9:40:01Like that was going to be my career choice.
9:40:01 > 9:40:03And, like, the idea of being pushy at school...
9:40:03 > 9:40:05Because there was another story that came out about, like,
9:40:05 > 9:40:09children with confident fathers go very far in the world.
9:40:09 > 9:40:11Now I've definitely got that, I've got a massively confident dad,
9:40:11 > 9:40:14and my dad wasn't pushy with my schooling either,
9:40:14 > 9:40:16he just wanted me to go and not make too much of a fuss,
9:40:16 > 9:40:18but I sort of did make a fuss in a lot of ways because I was not...
9:40:18 > 9:40:21I wasn't very well behaved at school and...
9:40:21 > 9:40:24For many reasons and one of them is that I'm hugely dyslexic,
9:40:24 > 9:40:27like really, really badly dyslexic.
9:40:27 > 9:40:28When I drive into Wales,
9:40:28 > 9:40:32their signs make more sense to me than the English ones.
9:40:32 > 9:40:35"Oh, Fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla? Brilliant, I'll go there."
9:40:38 > 9:40:40Tell you who was a superstar this week, was the Monkman.
9:40:40 > 9:40:42Anybody watch University Challenge?
9:40:42 > 9:40:44Oh, University Challenge! I love University Challenge!
9:40:44 > 9:40:46And the Monkman was back.
9:40:46 > 9:40:48There's a guy called Monkman, right?
9:40:48 > 9:40:50And he was a bit of a sensation in September time
9:40:50 > 9:40:51when he was in the first heat
9:40:51 > 9:40:54and he's the most intense person you've ever seen in your life.
9:40:54 > 9:40:57Google him, look him up. People at home now, look him up.
9:40:57 > 9:40:59And his face is just... It's just the most aggressive...
9:40:59 > 9:41:01HE IMITATES BUZZER AND GRUNTS INTENSELY
9:41:01 > 9:41:05And he'd answer like that and he was from Cambridge, I think it was,
9:41:05 > 9:41:08but they were Jesus, Cambridge, there was Jesus College, Cambridge.
9:41:08 > 9:41:10- So every time they pressed... - HE IMITATES BUZZER
9:41:10 > 9:41:14..the guy, the announcer guy, would go, "Jesus, Cambridge!"
9:41:15 > 9:41:17They were doing it all night,
9:41:17 > 9:41:19- every time there was... - HE IMITATES BUZZER
9:41:19 > 9:41:20.."Jesus, Cambridge!"
9:41:20 > 9:41:25I was going, if Queens were in this, it would be, "Christ, Queens!"
9:41:25 > 9:41:27I watch boxing and he's watching University Challenge.
9:41:27 > 9:41:29Do you not watch University Challenge
9:41:29 > 9:41:32and then you get one question right and go, "Yes, back of the net!",
9:41:32 > 9:41:34then retire for the rest of the week?
9:41:34 > 9:41:37Jake, you don't have to have been to university to watch University Challenge.
9:41:37 > 9:41:41I was actually thrown out of two universities, I'll have you know!
9:41:41 > 9:41:44- I know.- That was his University Challenge - staying in!
9:41:44 > 9:41:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
9:41:49 > 9:41:51Thank you, thank you very much for that.
9:41:51 > 9:41:53Our next question tonight.
9:41:53 > 9:41:56Who do you blame for not being properly fed?
9:41:56 > 9:41:57Yes, a study this week said
9:41:57 > 9:41:59that people from a strong Catholic background
9:41:59 > 9:42:01are less likely to breast-feed.
9:42:01 > 9:42:03There's an old sectarian stereotype
9:42:03 > 9:42:06that says Protestants work harder than Catholics.
9:42:06 > 9:42:08Now we know, Catholics aren't lazy,
9:42:08 > 9:42:11we are just suffering from a calcium deficiency.
9:42:11 > 9:42:15But who can we blame for not being properly fed?
9:42:15 > 9:42:17Yeah, Protestants breast-feed more than Catholics
9:42:17 > 9:42:19and researchers have found this out.
9:42:19 > 9:42:22Protestant mummies tend to pass on antibodies
9:42:22 > 9:42:24and Catholic mummies tend to pass on guilt.
9:42:24 > 9:42:27Guilt and shame!
9:42:27 > 9:42:30And a lot of... A lot of unknowns in this.
9:42:30 > 9:42:33We don't know if the further you get from Catholicism,
9:42:33 > 9:42:34the more you breast-feed,
9:42:34 > 9:42:37if it's like Catholics, maybe 50% or 60% of them breast-feed
9:42:37 > 9:42:39and then Church of Ireland, like 70%,
9:42:39 > 9:42:42then Free Presbyterians breast-feed the child until he gets married,
9:42:42 > 9:42:45we don't know if it's all that way.
9:42:45 > 9:42:47But some of them are unsurprising, like Baptists,
9:42:47 > 9:42:50they've got "baps" and "tits" in their name, like...
9:42:53 > 9:42:57Like, come on, surely that's a bit of a giveaway, isn't it?
9:42:57 > 9:43:01I think it's because Catholic women are bolshier because the midwives...
9:43:01 > 9:43:03The midwives do give you... You've had a baby, the first thing is,
9:43:03 > 9:43:06"You're going to breast-feed, you're going to breast-feed,"
9:43:06 > 9:43:09and I think the prods fold, I think the prod women just fold,
9:43:09 > 9:43:12whereas when you say to a Catholic woman, "You're going to breast-feed,"
9:43:12 > 9:43:15the Catholic says, "Oh, is that right?
9:43:15 > 9:43:16"Well, I was going to breast-feed
9:43:16 > 9:43:19"but now the wee bastard is getting a bottle.
9:43:19 > 9:43:21"That's what I'm telling you."
9:43:21 > 9:43:24That's really... Don't ever feed a child like that.
9:43:24 > 9:43:27- It's not vinegar! - That's what you do!
9:43:27 > 9:43:29Slap the back of the bottle a lot.
9:43:31 > 9:43:32You do see a lot of...
9:43:32 > 9:43:35Again, that South of England thing, that London thing,
9:43:35 > 9:43:38"Marvellous, Rupert here is getting breast-fed,
9:43:38 > 9:43:41"it's very important to bond with the child,"
9:43:41 > 9:43:44- and Rupert is there, going... - DEEP VOICE:- "That's right, it is."
9:43:44 > 9:43:46They are really old. You know, when you are doing that
9:43:46 > 9:43:49to line your stomach before you go drinking, that's really too late.
9:43:49 > 9:43:51You should stop.
9:43:51 > 9:43:55"All right, Mother, I'm off to get pissed."
9:43:55 > 9:43:58I think it's wonderful that you were looking for a name out there
9:43:58 > 9:44:00and you're wearing that shirt and you went for Rupert.
9:44:02 > 9:44:05APPLAUSE
9:44:05 > 9:44:07- And custard creams... - Yeah, custard creams have gone down.
9:44:07 > 9:44:09What's this about custard creams?
9:44:09 > 9:44:10Custard creams are apparently
9:44:10 > 9:44:13not as popular as they used to be, sales have fallen.
9:44:13 > 9:44:15First Fidel Castro and now this?!
9:44:15 > 9:44:17Yes.
9:44:17 > 9:44:20But, yeah, custard creams off the top of the list
9:44:20 > 9:44:23and, apparently, children's biscuits... Is there such a thing?
9:44:23 > 9:44:25Children's biscuit like Jammie Dodgers...
9:44:25 > 9:44:27I think you'll find they are not children's biscuits,
9:44:27 > 9:44:29they are the good biscuits, that's what they are.
9:44:29 > 9:44:32There should be a section called "good biscuits" and "biscuits".
9:44:32 > 9:44:34There's visitors' biscuits. Did anybody else have this?
9:44:34 > 9:44:36- AUDIENCE MURMURS - Yes, everybody had this.
9:44:36 > 9:44:38Visitors' biscuits. Did you have this when you were growing up?
9:44:38 > 9:44:40- Yeah.- Visitors' biscuits.
9:44:40 > 9:44:42We are not allowed to touch those biscuits. Why?
9:44:42 > 9:44:43"They are for visitors."
9:44:43 > 9:44:45"So, are you expecting any?"
9:44:45 > 9:44:48"No." "But why...?"
9:44:48 > 9:44:50"Just in case somebody comes." "Nobody comes to our house!"
9:44:50 > 9:44:53"Just in case, they are visitors' biscuits."
9:44:53 > 9:44:54"What do I get to eat?"
9:44:54 > 9:44:56"These ones, ironically called Nice."
9:44:56 > 9:44:58LAUGHTER
9:44:58 > 9:45:03- Talking of...- They suck moisture from the inside out.
9:45:03 > 9:45:05You put them in suitcases to stop damp.
9:45:05 > 9:45:08The biscuits your ma used to give the priest if he came over?
9:45:08 > 9:45:11- Yeah.- You see? I had to translate it into his language.
9:45:11 > 9:45:14The priest came round to our house one day, years ago,
9:45:14 > 9:45:15he was the parish priest,
9:45:15 > 9:45:18and me and my da spent a good 20 minutes looking for the milk.
9:45:18 > 9:45:21We couldn't find it because it was in a jug.
9:45:24 > 9:45:28I swear... I swear to God, I swear to God.
9:45:28 > 9:45:31And my da had to try and bait the priest into going first,
9:45:31 > 9:45:33so the priest went, "Milk, John?"
9:45:33 > 9:45:35And my father went, "Yes.
9:45:37 > 9:45:40"Would you like some milk, Father?" And he went, "Yes."
9:45:40 > 9:45:43And my father went, "Be my guest."
9:45:43 > 9:45:44And the priest leaned over for the jug
9:45:44 > 9:45:49and my dad went, "Oh, the jug, Neil! The jug!
9:45:49 > 9:45:51"Look at him! The jug! What does he think he is?
9:45:51 > 9:45:53"A Protestant?"
9:45:54 > 9:45:55We had...
9:45:55 > 9:45:57Well, my mum and dad are very similar
9:45:57 > 9:45:59with having the sort of Christmas biscuits,
9:45:59 > 9:46:02- like we get the chocolaty ones. - Oh, a tin?- Yeah.
9:46:02 > 9:46:05- Have you got Family Circle or...? - Sorry?
9:46:05 > 9:46:07Do you go for a Family Circle, the biscuits, you know?
9:46:07 > 9:46:10Do you not get a Family Circle?
9:46:10 > 9:46:13There's only four of us, so it's more of a square, to be honest.
9:46:13 > 9:46:14You don't know you're living!
9:46:14 > 9:46:18Bring one of those back with you, the family will... They'll...
9:46:18 > 9:46:21- They'll love you for ever! - Where my mum and dad...
9:46:21 > 9:46:24My mum and dad live on a little, tiny farm
9:46:24 > 9:46:26and there is a field next to it that my dad
9:46:26 > 9:46:29has basically been trying to get planning permission on for...
9:46:29 > 9:46:31since I was born, and my dad is like,
9:46:31 > 9:46:33"When I get planning permission on that...
9:46:33 > 9:46:36"it will be our day, all the ships will come in that day."
9:46:36 > 9:46:39That is what Dad is all about, getting planning permission, OK?
9:46:39 > 9:46:42Now, a year ago, around this time of year,
9:46:42 > 9:46:45Dad knew that he had a bloke coming to the house from the council
9:46:45 > 9:46:46that Dad had to chat to
9:46:46 > 9:46:49about this little bit of land for planning permission.
9:46:49 > 9:46:50Brilliant, OK.
9:46:50 > 9:46:54Someone knocks on the door, my dad goes, "Oh, we're waiting for you."
9:46:54 > 9:46:56Dad says to my mum, "Get the nice biscuits out,
9:46:56 > 9:47:00"we've got to make this man our friend because he could, like...
9:47:00 > 9:47:01"He could help us, right?"
9:47:01 > 9:47:03So, Mum gets out the nice biscuits,
9:47:03 > 9:47:05my dad is talking to this guy for ages.
9:47:05 > 9:47:09"Yeah, we've got family, yeah." All this chitchat, biscuits.
9:47:09 > 9:47:12The guy has been for ten minutes and then the guy goes,
9:47:12 > 9:47:14"We should talk about what we're here for,"
9:47:14 > 9:47:16and my dad goes, "Yeah, here are the plans."
9:47:16 > 9:47:18The guy pops open his briefcase and says,
9:47:18 > 9:47:21- "When was the last time you thought about God?"- No!
9:47:21 > 9:47:23That actually happened!
9:47:23 > 9:47:25My dad was so embarrassed, he left the room
9:47:25 > 9:47:27and left my mum to deal with it!
9:47:27 > 9:47:30But took the biscuits with him!
9:47:30 > 9:47:33Suzi, here, ring that number, I'll get you planning permission.
9:47:33 > 9:47:37LAUGHTER
9:47:37 > 9:47:41I love the way in England you apply for planning permission first.
9:47:41 > 9:47:42In Ireland, you build a house
9:47:42 > 9:47:46because it's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.
9:47:46 > 9:47:49That's where John Lewis have been going wrong all these years.
9:47:49 > 9:47:51Yeah, just build the bloody thing.
9:47:51 > 9:47:52"Just build it, boys!
9:47:52 > 9:47:55"They'll never let you take it down now it's built!"
9:47:55 > 9:47:56Just... Just ring the number.
9:47:56 > 9:47:58It's pronounced Peter Robinson.
9:48:00 > 9:48:04LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
9:48:04 > 9:48:06Thank you, thank you very much for that.
9:48:06 > 9:48:08Just time for this week's news.
9:48:08 > 9:48:11I will read you various newspaper headlines and I want you
9:48:11 > 9:48:14to be faster than Arlene Foster saying to her Chinese host,
9:48:14 > 9:48:17"Any chance I could stay here until the heat dies down?"
9:48:25 > 9:48:26Story of my life!
9:48:33 > 9:48:36To be 4,000 miles away from The Proclaimers.
9:48:40 > 9:48:43I'm not sure, but I'm definitely worried about it.
9:48:46 > 9:48:48Miss Piggy makes Kermit get tested.
9:48:49 > 9:48:52That's it, that's the end of the show.
9:48:52 > 9:48:54Please show your appreciation to our panel -
9:48:54 > 9:48:57Colin Murphy, Suzi Ruffell, Jake O'Kane and Neil Delamere!
9:48:57 > 9:49:00CHEERING
9:49:04 > 9:49:07I'm Tim McGarry. Until next time,
9:49:07 > 9:49:10don't blame yourselves, blame each other. Goodbye.