9:04:35 > 9:04:38Hello and welcome to The Blame Game Best Bits,
9:04:38 > 9:04:42a look back at some of the hilarious highlights of the recent series.
9:04:42 > 9:04:45Now, this year, we celebrated ten years of The Blame Game,
9:04:45 > 9:04:48and kicked off the series in a packed Waterfront Hall
9:04:48 > 9:04:51with a very special guest, Mr Kevin Bridges.
9:04:51 > 9:04:55Kevin loves Northern Irish audiences, and they love him.
9:04:55 > 9:04:57Usually.
9:04:57 > 9:04:59Have we got anybody in from Derry here?
9:04:59 > 9:05:01- CHEERING - Don't know...
9:05:01 > 9:05:04I had a show last year, I don't know if anybody heard about that?
9:05:04 > 9:05:09- Everybody's heard about that! - In Derry. I don't know if she's in.
9:05:09 > 9:05:12I'm still suffering from PTSD, you know that...?
9:05:13 > 9:05:15The first 20 minutes of the show,
9:05:15 > 9:05:18we just had this woman, just going, "Kevin, Kevin, Kevin."
9:05:18 > 9:05:22It was like a fucking smoke alarm going off inside your brain.
9:05:22 > 9:05:25That's not a heckle, that's just like...
9:05:25 > 9:05:27- Have you ever clicked on a pop-up virus?- Yeah.
9:05:29 > 9:05:32So that was me trying to deal with her, to try and close,
9:05:32 > 9:05:36and then another 500 pop up at the same time. "Kevin, Kevin, Kevin!"
9:05:36 > 9:05:38And it was crazy, it made the paper.
9:05:38 > 9:05:42The people of Derry, the reaction was incredible. The next day...
9:05:42 > 9:05:45- FEMALE AUDIENCE MEMBER WHOOPS - Thank you there.
9:05:45 > 9:05:47Yes, she's in tonight!
9:05:48 > 9:05:50APPLAUSE
9:05:50 > 9:05:51The next day...
9:05:52 > 9:05:55..a guy, who... I've never heard something so chilling in my life.
9:05:55 > 9:05:56A guy walked up to me and he goes,
9:05:56 > 9:05:59"Don't you worry, Kevin, she's been named and shamed."
9:06:03 > 9:06:04But he said it in a way as if
9:06:04 > 9:06:07he had her in the boot of his car or something.
9:06:08 > 9:06:10And I had to sort of tweet
9:06:10 > 9:06:13and just say, "Look, it's cool, she was just a bit drunk."
9:06:13 > 9:06:16I never knew what was going to happen to this poor woman.
9:06:16 > 9:06:17And it was in the local newspaper.
9:06:17 > 9:06:20An audience member said the heckling was horrific,
9:06:20 > 9:06:23and branded it "the worst night ever".
9:06:23 > 9:06:26Which, in Derry, the worst night ever...
9:06:28 > 9:06:34I'm pretty sure there's being worse nights in recent history.
9:06:34 > 9:06:37"Oh, you want to have heard the heckling, I had to leave.
9:06:37 > 9:06:40"All covering people's ears and things."
9:06:40 > 9:06:41Anyway, no hard feelings to her.
9:06:41 > 9:06:44I hope she never got sacked or took away in the back of your boot
9:06:44 > 9:06:45or whatever.
9:06:52 > 9:06:56In the week that's in it, with Bake Off final, it's not fair.
9:06:56 > 9:06:59Cos it's taken away from Andrew Smyth, who's from here,
9:06:59 > 9:07:02and he's in the final. And... I know, three women going, "Yay!"
9:07:03 > 9:07:06I watch Bake Off, I am a fan, I like it.
9:07:06 > 9:07:11And Andrew is great, but his voice is really annoying.
9:07:11 > 9:07:14And... It really is. Oh, my God. It's just...
9:07:14 > 9:07:18- Oh, my... You know.- I don't watch it.- I watch it, yeah.- He's got...
9:07:18 > 9:07:20He went to Cambridge and he's a very educated person.
9:07:20 > 9:07:24And he's talking very much like this HERE!!!
9:07:24 > 9:07:27- IN RAISED TONE: - "And what are making this week?
9:07:27 > 9:07:30Oh, we're making Tudor things. Oh, it's amazing!!!"
9:07:30 > 9:07:32And he's a very talented man,
9:07:32 > 9:07:34but you're going, "Oh, shut up, shut up, shut up."
9:07:34 > 9:07:37But he's not from here, he can't be from here, he's on Bake Off,
9:07:37 > 9:07:40he has not made a sausage roll or a mushroom vol-au-vent once.
9:07:42 > 9:07:45The man is some sort of, you know, charlatan, that's all.
9:07:45 > 9:07:48They keep saying he's from Derby, they keep saying he's from Derby.
9:07:48 > 9:07:50Even though he's actually from here.
9:07:50 > 9:07:53Cos, you see, he's one of those stealth Northern Irish accents.
9:07:53 > 9:07:54He's one of those ones that's changed,
9:07:54 > 9:07:57and you don't know until every so often he says one of those words
9:07:57 > 9:07:59that gives everybody from Northern Ireland away.
9:07:59 > 9:08:02So he'll say, "I'm just putting the cake into the oven
9:08:02 > 9:08:06"and then the cake will be ready in about two HOURS!!!
9:08:06 > 9:08:11"Hours!!! NOW the cake is done, so it is!!!" And then...
9:08:13 > 9:08:16Next question. Tonight, who do you blame for men
9:08:16 > 9:08:19not being able to take each other up the aisle?
9:08:22 > 9:08:24APPLAUSE
9:08:28 > 9:08:34Yes. The DUP have confirmed they will continue to block gay marriage.
9:08:34 > 9:08:38Arlene Foster says she knows gay men who don't want to get married.
9:08:38 > 9:08:41Arlene, no men want to get married.
9:08:42 > 9:08:45It's just, you know, you make us.
9:08:45 > 9:08:46But who can we blame for men
9:08:46 > 9:08:48not being able to take each other up the aisle?
9:08:48 > 9:08:50Arlene's had a good week this week, hasn't she?
9:08:50 > 9:08:54First of all, she said she's going to use a petition of concerns
9:08:54 > 9:08:56to stop any sort of gay marriage legislation.
9:08:56 > 9:08:59A petition of concern was designed to help the peace process.
9:08:59 > 9:09:02So she's using something good to do something bad, in my opinion.
9:09:02 > 9:09:06It's like beating the shite out of somebody with a life jacket.
9:09:06 > 9:09:10I mean, you can do it, but you probably shouldn't do it, right?
9:09:10 > 9:09:14And then she also said that the authorities in the South
9:09:14 > 9:09:17were poaching business from Northern Ireland and talking down
9:09:17 > 9:09:20the Northern economy, and trying to poach investors away from you.
9:09:20 > 9:09:23As a representative on this show of the South, can I just say,
9:09:23 > 9:09:26of course we are! What do you expect?
9:09:26 > 9:09:30We've been telling lies about you lads for years. We're over...
9:09:30 > 9:09:33We're making up paramilitary organisations.
9:09:33 > 9:09:35We're standing there with investors going,
9:09:35 > 9:09:37"Where are you going to invest?"
9:09:37 > 9:09:39"We're thinking of investing in Northern Ireland."
9:09:39 > 9:09:45"Oh, well, there's running battles between the RVH and the IFA."
9:09:45 > 9:09:47"What's the RVH stand for?" "The Royal Volunteer Hoors.
9:09:47 > 9:09:50- "They're terrible." - APPLAUSE
9:09:50 > 9:09:54"They're against the IFA, the Irish Fenian Association.
9:09:54 > 9:09:56"It's terrible what they're doing to informers.
9:09:56 > 9:09:57"One of them is on fire.
9:09:57 > 9:10:00"Will Grigg, they set him on fire. He's on fire."
9:10:00 > 9:10:03"But Northern Ireland looks so great on Game Of Thrones."
9:10:03 > 9:10:05"That's because all the extras are using their own clothes.
9:10:05 > 9:10:07"I'm telling you. Poverty stricken.
9:10:07 > 9:10:10"Northern Ireland is poverty stricken."
9:10:12 > 9:10:14Have you ever done a gig in a prison before?
9:10:14 > 9:10:15- No.- Yes.- I've done that before.
9:10:15 > 9:10:19- Crumlin Road Gaol. But there's nobody in it.- I done one...
9:10:20 > 9:10:24..when I was 18, in Shotts prison. In Scotland.
9:10:24 > 9:10:26And about ten minutes into the gig,
9:10:26 > 9:10:29a guy stood up and went back to his cell.
9:10:31 > 9:10:33APPLAUSE
9:10:37 > 9:10:39That's a heckle that has never been topped.
9:10:41 > 9:10:44"This guy's shite, I'm away to finish my life sentence."
9:10:48 > 9:10:50Coalisland. Coalisland was mine.
9:10:50 > 9:10:54I did Coalisland way back when the Troubles were still on.
9:10:54 > 9:10:56And I knew it was a rough gig.
9:10:56 > 9:11:00You're walking in and about 1.5 of vodka and 1.5 of whisky,
9:11:00 > 9:11:04which they hand round the audience. This is a tough gig.
9:11:04 > 9:11:05But I'm doing all right.
9:11:05 > 9:11:08And about half an hour in, 40 minutes in,
9:11:08 > 9:11:10and suddenly a door opens and these two wee guys,
9:11:10 > 9:11:14wee black moustaches, right, leather jackets, not unlike this, right?
9:11:18 > 9:11:21Here's me. "Shh! The Ra have arrived."
9:11:22 > 9:11:24Nobody laughed.
9:11:24 > 9:11:28And the publican who owned the bar is sitting in the front row going...
9:11:28 > 9:11:30HE MAKES WHIMPERING NOISES
9:11:38 > 9:11:41"Sorry, we're late, we were bombing the police station."
9:11:43 > 9:11:44APPLAUSE
9:11:46 > 9:11:49The other thing this week was, did you see on Facebook and Twitter they
9:11:49 > 9:11:52were talking about banning terrorist videos and this, that and the other?
9:11:52 > 9:11:55But we have our local terrorists who did their bit and had a wee video.
9:11:55 > 9:11:58- Did you see their...?- I... And they said it was horrific.
9:11:58 > 9:11:59Up in Ardoyne,
9:11:59 > 9:12:03the dissidents were out with a rocket launcher, and the video...
9:12:03 > 9:12:06And it was, it was horrific.
9:12:06 > 9:12:10I mean, it was horrific in the sense that the lighting was pathetic.
9:12:12 > 9:12:15Do you know what I mean? The editing left an awful lot to be desired.
9:12:15 > 9:12:18You know, the props. I mean... And the acting.
9:12:18 > 9:12:21The acting was wooden, it was wooden.
9:12:21 > 9:12:24In the old days, the IRA stood up when they walked down,
9:12:24 > 9:12:26these guys are crawling around the ground.
9:12:26 > 9:12:29What let them down most of all, cos if you're on the internet now,
9:12:29 > 9:12:31you need a unique selling point, you know what I mean?
9:12:31 > 9:12:34You need something to set you apart if you're a paramilitary online.
9:12:34 > 9:12:35- Right.- You know what I mean?
9:12:35 > 9:12:37There's so many of them, you know what I mean?
9:12:37 > 9:12:40But the costume, I thought... Like, balaclavas.
9:12:40 > 9:12:43- Bal...- Very 1972, isn't it? - 1972!- Yeah.
9:12:43 > 9:12:45They need something that's going to really...
9:12:45 > 9:12:49So I've got a suggestion for them. No, no. This is serious.
9:12:49 > 9:12:52This could break it for them, this could make all the difference,
9:12:52 > 9:12:54if they actually...
9:12:54 > 9:12:55I suggest...
9:12:56 > 9:12:58APPLAUSE
9:13:04 > 9:13:07Last year, I was quite ill, right.
9:13:07 > 9:13:10I changed my diet, right, so I had to do a lot of reading and research.
9:13:10 > 9:13:14I was told by my doctor that I have a gluten allergy.
9:13:14 > 9:13:17- Now, I know you're coeliac, Jake, aren't you?- And proud of it.
9:13:17 > 9:13:19You're coeliac, yeah.
9:13:19 > 9:13:21He's coeliac, but I'm classed as gluten intolerant,
9:13:21 > 9:13:24which is very different. You know what I mean?
9:13:24 > 9:13:25So I woke up one morning,
9:13:25 > 9:13:27I probably get some of the same symptoms you have,
9:13:27 > 9:13:32like rashes, spots all over my face, diarrhoea, bloated stomach...
9:13:32 > 9:13:33No?
9:13:33 > 9:13:35Dandruff. No, none of that?
9:13:35 > 9:13:38I did what I should never do whenever you're sick... No? No?
9:13:38 > 9:13:40But I did what you should never do.
9:13:40 > 9:13:42I typed all those symptoms into the internet.
9:13:42 > 9:13:45Don't ever type anything into the internet,
9:13:45 > 9:13:48because the internet said I could be from Scotland.
9:13:48 > 9:13:50I couldn't believe it. I went to my GP.
9:13:50 > 9:13:53I don't know how you got diagnosed, but I went to my GP and he said,
9:13:53 > 9:13:55"We're going to send you for a blood test," so I did that.
9:13:55 > 9:13:59Failed it. I don't know how you fail a blood test, right.
9:13:59 > 9:14:01And then he said, "We're going to send you for a biopsy."
9:14:01 > 9:14:03He said, "In the meantime, go gluten free."
9:14:03 > 9:14:05And I was like, "What the hell is gluten free?"
9:14:05 > 9:14:07So I had to go and read up on it, and he said to me,
9:14:07 > 9:14:09"Get some books, do a bit of reading on it, do a bit of research.
9:14:09 > 9:14:13"No wheat, no barley, no rye, gluten free flour,
9:14:13 > 9:14:16"gluten free cakes," all this kind of stuff.
9:14:16 > 9:14:18And because I was Irish, he leaned in, he looked at me
9:14:18 > 9:14:21and he went, "I'm afraid, Andrew, no more Guinness for you."
9:14:21 > 9:14:23I was like, "You should be afraid."
9:14:23 > 9:14:25I said, "What will happen if I do drink Guinness?
9:14:25 > 9:14:27He goes, "You'll have a gluten attack."
9:14:27 > 9:14:29I said, "I'll be honest with you, Doctor,
9:14:29 > 9:14:30"after a few pints, I'm up for a fight anyway.
9:14:30 > 9:14:34- APPLAUSE - I couldn't believe it. And then...
9:14:36 > 9:14:38And then, when I left the GP surgery,
9:14:38 > 9:14:41I rang my dad back home in Cork, cos he was going with me.
9:14:41 > 9:14:43I said, "Dad, you're not going to believe this, right,
9:14:43 > 9:14:45"but the English GP, right,
9:14:45 > 9:14:47"has just said I can't drink Guinness any more."
9:14:47 > 9:14:50And my dad said, "Has he mentioned Murphy's or Beamish?"
9:14:52 > 9:14:53I was like, "No, drive on, drive on."
9:14:53 > 9:14:55APPLAUSE
9:14:55 > 9:14:57And custard creams, they've come off the...
9:14:57 > 9:14:58Custard creams have gone down.
9:14:58 > 9:14:59Big fan of the custard cream.
9:14:59 > 9:15:01Hold on, what's this, custard creams what?
9:15:01 > 9:15:04Custard creams apparently not as popular as they used to be.
9:15:04 > 9:15:08- Sales have fallen.- Yeah. First Fidel Castro and now this.
9:15:08 > 9:15:10But, yeah, custard creams off the top of the list.
9:15:10 > 9:15:12Apparently children's biscuits...
9:15:12 > 9:15:15Is there such a thing? Children's biscuits like Jammie Dodgers.
9:15:15 > 9:15:18I think you'll find they're not children's biscuits.
9:15:18 > 9:15:20They're the good biscuits. That's what they're called.
9:15:20 > 9:15:23There should be a section called Good Biscuits and Biscuits, all right?
9:15:23 > 9:15:25There's visitors biscuits. Does anybody else have this?
9:15:25 > 9:15:28- Yes.- Yes, everybody had this, visitors biscuits.
9:15:28 > 9:15:30- Did you have this when you were growing up?- Yeah.- Yeah.
9:15:30 > 9:15:32Visitors biscuits. "We're not allowed to touch those biscuits."
9:15:32 > 9:15:34"Why?" "They're for visitors."
9:15:34 > 9:15:38"So... Are you expecting any?" "No." "Why...?"
9:15:39 > 9:15:41"Just in case somebody comes." "Nobody comes to our house."
9:15:41 > 9:15:44"Just in case, they're visitors biscuits." "What do I get to eat?"
9:15:44 > 9:15:47"These ones." Ironically called Nice.
9:15:49 > 9:15:53- Talking of...- They suck moisture from the inside out.
9:15:53 > 9:15:56You put them in suitcases to stop damp.
9:15:56 > 9:15:58The biscuits that your ma used to give the priest
9:15:58 > 9:16:00- if the priest came over?- Yeah.
9:16:00 > 9:16:01The priest came round, you see?
9:16:01 > 9:16:03I have to translate it into his language.
9:16:03 > 9:16:05The priest came round to our house one day,
9:16:05 > 9:16:06years ago, he was the parish priest,
9:16:06 > 9:16:09and me and my da spent a good 20 minutes looking for the milk.
9:16:09 > 9:16:11We couldn't find it, cos it was in a jug.
9:16:11 > 9:16:12LAUGHTER
9:16:15 > 9:16:18I swear. I swear to God. I swear to God.
9:16:18 > 9:16:22And my da had to try and bait the priest into going first,
9:16:22 > 9:16:24so the priest went, "Milk, John?"
9:16:24 > 9:16:26And my father went, "Yes."
9:16:26 > 9:16:28LAUGHTER
9:16:28 > 9:16:30"Would you like some milk, Father?" And he went, "Yes."
9:16:30 > 9:16:32And my father went...
9:16:32 > 9:16:34"Be my guest."
9:16:34 > 9:16:36And the priest leaned over and went for the jug
9:16:36 > 9:16:37and my dad went, "Oh, the jug, Neil, the jug!
9:16:40 > 9:16:44"Look at him, the jug! What does he think he is, a Protestant?"
9:16:45 > 9:16:48A lot of people say, you know, that health and safety has gone mad
9:16:48 > 9:16:51and health and safety legislation is stupid, but it's not.
9:16:51 > 9:16:52Cos people are stupid.
9:16:52 > 9:16:55That's why the health and safety legislation has to be brought in.
9:16:55 > 9:16:57You go, "That's a ridiculous..."
9:16:57 > 9:17:01No, anything that gets brought in, it's cos somebody did it, right?
9:17:01 > 9:17:03Like, when you buy an electronic device
9:17:03 > 9:17:05and there's a little bag of silica gel,
9:17:05 > 9:17:09and written on that packet is "Do not eat,"
9:17:09 > 9:17:14that's cos some arsehole ate his silica gel,
9:17:14 > 9:17:16didn't just eat it, ate it, felt poorly
9:17:16 > 9:17:20and then still somehow had the sense to hire a lawyer to go,
9:17:20 > 9:17:22"Well, nobody told him not to eat it.
9:17:22 > 9:17:25"My client is a victim of your incompetence,
9:17:25 > 9:17:27"not his own stupidity."
9:17:27 > 9:17:30You're dead right about people being morons.
9:17:30 > 9:17:34You were pointing at me like I said something wrong there.
9:17:34 > 9:17:37"You don't care how much I love you!"
9:17:37 > 9:17:38I'm agreeing with you!
9:17:38 > 9:17:41I saw, you know the sign in the airport on the travelator
9:17:41 > 9:17:43that says, "Face direction of travel?"
9:17:43 > 9:17:46I was on it with my friend, right?
9:17:46 > 9:17:48And it said, "Face direction of travel" and he looked at me
9:17:48 > 9:17:50and we were flying to France and he went,
9:17:50 > 9:17:52"Well, I don't know which way is east."
9:17:56 > 9:18:00This whole thing of Christmas ads starting early,
9:18:00 > 9:18:03what it is, it's like when you've got to get up at seven,
9:18:03 > 9:18:05so you set your alarm for half five.
9:18:06 > 9:18:08Cos you know you're just going to be pressing snooze
9:18:08 > 9:18:11for a good 90 minutes, and yet it still gets to 7am
9:18:11 > 9:18:13and you go, "Oh, I'm late."
9:18:13 > 9:18:15So...
9:18:15 > 9:18:18That's what's happening and that's an analogy for what's
9:18:18 > 9:18:22happening in general with the whole Christmas being advertised early.
9:18:22 > 9:18:25And I understand it, but I also resent it, having said that.
9:18:25 > 9:18:28It's not so much the advertising early.
9:18:28 > 9:18:30It's the ridiculously early preparations.
9:18:30 > 9:18:31Like, I was in my local supermarket.
9:18:31 > 9:18:33Stuff in October, right?
9:18:33 > 9:18:35Selling stuff in October for Christmas -
9:18:35 > 9:18:37stollen and mince pies - and I went up,
9:18:37 > 9:18:40and the mince pies had a best before date of November 12th.
9:18:40 > 9:18:42So...
9:18:42 > 9:18:44That's not... That just made me sad,
9:18:44 > 9:18:47cos I just thought, "Somebody's celebrating Christmas early.
9:18:47 > 9:18:49"That's who that's for."
9:18:49 > 9:18:51And nobody celebrates Christmas early for a happy reason.
9:18:51 > 9:18:52- No.- You know?
9:18:58 > 9:19:01It's like, "Grandad's not going to make it to December.
9:19:03 > 9:19:06"We're buying mince pies that we're having in November,"
9:19:06 > 9:19:09or, you know, "Your Uncle John's going back inside in..."
9:19:11 > 9:19:14But it's the ads. This is the thing.
9:19:14 > 9:19:16There was a... The Coke ads...
9:19:16 > 9:19:19The American Coke ads, the Christmas ads,
9:19:19 > 9:19:20you know, "Holidays are coming."
9:19:20 > 9:19:22And Saturday night's was the first...
9:19:22 > 9:19:25It's less terrifying than that, to be honest with you.
9:19:25 > 9:19:27That's the way I see it! "Holidays are coming."
9:19:27 > 9:19:29Sounds like a warning, the way you're doing it.
9:19:29 > 9:19:32"Holidays are coming, holidays are coming."
9:19:32 > 9:19:36Someone else said that they had tears in their eyes watching it.
9:19:36 > 9:19:38- Tears in their eyes watching... - You know what that is?
9:19:38 > 9:19:40"Do you know what? I'd love a Coke!
9:19:42 > 9:19:43"It's brilliant, so it is!"
9:19:43 > 9:19:47"Holidays are coming, holidays are coming!"
9:19:49 > 9:19:51Most people have a bucket list
9:19:51 > 9:19:53and want to swim with dolphins or skydive.
9:19:53 > 9:19:55Not me.
9:19:55 > 9:19:58Top of my bucket list, I want to joyride the popemobile.
9:19:58 > 9:20:00And in two years' time, I may get the chance,
9:20:00 > 9:20:04because the Papa is coming to Northern Ireland in 2018.
9:20:04 > 9:20:08I hope Pope Francis has a sense of humour, because if he doesn't,
9:20:08 > 9:20:10some of our panellists will be up for excommunication.
9:20:12 > 9:20:15It's very exciting, cos everybody's getting back together again
9:20:15 > 9:20:17and now the Catholic Church is getting back together again,
9:20:17 > 9:20:20reforming, going on tour. "Oh, yeah!"
9:20:20 > 9:20:22It's not going to... They're very '80s.
9:20:22 > 9:20:25The Catholic Church was very '80s and they're back.
9:20:25 > 9:20:27Cos younger people, I went to see them,
9:20:27 > 9:20:30- I went to Phoenix Park and I saw them.- '79, yeah.
9:20:30 > 9:20:32A quarter of the population of this island
9:20:32 > 9:20:34in a field to watch a man say Mass.
9:20:34 > 9:20:38That's how little there was to do in this country, Felicity, in 1979.
9:20:38 > 9:20:41That everybody thought, "That sounds brilliant." And...
9:20:41 > 9:20:44Charisma, you know, it's like, if you've only seen the Pope on TV,
9:20:44 > 9:20:47he's good, but live, unbelievable....
9:20:47 > 9:20:51Un... Oh, I remember that, everybody, the lighters in the air,
9:20:51 > 9:20:53"Hail Mary, I love this one, it's brilliant."
9:20:53 > 9:20:57- CHANTING:- One more prayer! One more prayer!
9:20:57 > 9:20:59- Do you reckon the Pope has a different hat on tour?- Oh!
9:20:59 > 9:21:02You know how footballers have, like, an away game outfit?
9:21:02 > 9:21:05I reckon he's got a different one that he goes on tour with.
9:21:05 > 9:21:08There was merch whenever it he was last here. There was merch.
9:21:08 > 9:21:10Oh, the Catholic Church does merch like nobody else.
9:21:10 > 9:21:12Wait, wait, wait. Are you telling me
9:21:12 > 9:21:14that the Catholic Church tries to get money out of people?
9:21:14 > 9:21:17- Yeah, you wouldn't believe it. - I won't hear of it!
9:21:17 > 9:21:21- "Merch"?- Merchandise, yeah. - Oh, merchandise.- So, tour T-shirts?
9:21:21 > 9:21:23APPLAUSE
9:21:26 > 9:21:28- Old man, old man, sorry. - What did you think it was?
9:21:28 > 9:21:31I don't know, I thought some disease or something.
9:21:32 > 9:21:35So, Arlene Foster, she says she will meet him.
9:21:35 > 9:21:36Our First Minister says she will meet the Pope,
9:21:36 > 9:21:39but she will meet him as the Head of State, do you understand?
9:21:39 > 9:21:43So she's not meeting him as the leader of half the Christians
9:21:43 > 9:21:45in the world, she's meeting him as the leader
9:21:45 > 9:21:46of the smallest nation in the world.
9:21:46 > 9:21:49And that's a very touching thing.
9:21:49 > 9:21:52And if I was the Pope, I would Pope it up. I would Pope it up.
9:21:52 > 9:21:55When I'm meeting her, I would Pope it up, I would be carried in.
9:21:55 > 9:21:58They've stopped carrying him. I would be carried in.
9:21:58 > 9:22:02Four wee guys carrying me in. I'd have about 20 with the incense
9:22:02 > 9:22:04in front of me giving me that there, right?
9:22:04 > 9:22:06I'll be hitting everybody with holy water.
9:22:06 > 9:22:08I'd give her a relic of John Paul II,
9:22:08 > 9:22:11his wee toe or something, something to keep.
9:22:11 > 9:22:12And I would insist,
9:22:12 > 9:22:15I would insist she kissed my papal ring before I leave.
9:22:15 > 9:22:17That's it, I'm telling you.
9:22:17 > 9:22:20APPLAUSE
9:22:22 > 9:22:24I grew up in southern Ireland.
9:22:24 > 9:22:26I grew up in Waterford, Dunmore East in Waterford.
9:22:26 > 9:22:28And of course I went to Mass until I was ten years old.
9:22:28 > 9:22:30And explaining to, you know, my non-Catholic friends
9:22:30 > 9:22:31back in England, what you had to...
9:22:31 > 9:22:34It's the ritual of religion, when you leave it just seems odd.
9:22:34 > 9:22:36And confession is one of those weird things
9:22:36 > 9:22:38where they said, "Well, what do you have to do?"
9:22:38 > 9:22:39And you go, "Well...
9:22:40 > 9:22:41"They lock you...
9:22:42 > 9:22:44"..in a wardrobe...
9:22:45 > 9:22:47"..with a priest."
9:22:50 > 9:22:53"And then you've got to tell him what you've done wrong." I mean...
9:22:58 > 9:23:00I love the fact they're actually bringing it out.
9:23:00 > 9:23:02Clonard Monastery are bringing confession
9:23:02 > 9:23:04to Kennedy Shopping Centre.
9:23:04 > 9:23:07- In West Belfast? - In West Belfast, right?- What?
9:23:07 > 9:23:08They're going to have a wee tent.
9:23:08 > 9:23:10They're going to have a tent and bring it to West Belfast.
9:23:10 > 9:23:12- Now, my problem with this is... - Hold on.
9:23:12 > 9:23:14Whoa, whoa, whoa. They're bringing an actual...?
9:23:14 > 9:23:16Yes, confession out to the shopping centre.
9:23:16 > 9:23:18- A box?- A box.
9:23:18 > 9:23:20- A tent...- I think it's a gazebo or something.- Gazebo.
9:23:20 > 9:23:24It's nice, and you walk in. Have they thought about the priests?
9:23:24 > 9:23:26Have they thought about the moral turpitude
9:23:26 > 9:23:27they're putting the priests in?
9:23:27 > 9:23:28Cos you're going to have wee guys -
9:23:28 > 9:23:30"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."
9:23:30 > 9:23:32"Yes, my son, what's your sin?"
9:23:32 > 9:23:33"Theft, Father."
9:23:35 > 9:23:38- Shoplifting. - "What have you stolen, son?"
9:23:38 > 9:23:40"What do you want, Father? Do you want razor blades?
9:23:42 > 9:23:44"I'll get you anything you want, Father, a nice wee jacket?
9:23:44 > 9:23:45"Do you fancy a jacket, Father?"
9:23:45 > 9:23:48That's click and collect on a whole other level, isn't it?
9:23:48 > 9:23:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
9:23:54 > 9:23:59Will there be queues, like ten sins or less?
9:23:59 > 9:24:01Yeah, loyalty cards, this kind of thing.
9:24:01 > 9:24:05What you don't want is "Unexpected priest in the bagging area".
9:24:08 > 9:24:11Why do you even have confession boxes in Ireland, anyway?
9:24:11 > 9:24:12Everybody knows everybody else.
9:24:12 > 9:24:14You walk in, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."
9:24:14 > 9:24:16"How are you, Neil?" Like, they know who...
9:24:16 > 9:24:18They know who you are!
9:24:18 > 9:24:20So it should be like the '80s in Sinn Fein,
9:24:20 > 9:24:23where somebody else does your voice. So somebody else...
9:24:23 > 9:24:25So you say it, and the guy goes...
9:24:25 > 9:24:27- THEATRICAL VOICE:- .."Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
9:24:27 > 9:24:30"It has been many years since my last confession."
9:24:30 > 9:24:31That's what it should be.
9:24:31 > 9:24:34Or you should have something that digitises your voice, so...
9:24:34 > 9:24:36- ELECTRONIC VOICE:- "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."
9:24:36 > 9:24:39Right? Now, I assume that you have to...
9:24:39 > 9:24:41You'd tell the priest before you develop that,
9:24:41 > 9:24:45otherwise the priest goes, "God, Stephen Hawking has led a mad life!"
9:24:45 > 9:24:48But it should be something like that. Or, better still,
9:24:48 > 9:24:51so, the priest knows what's coming up - maybe you could pick
9:24:51 > 9:24:53different voices depending on the severity of the sin. You know?
9:24:53 > 9:24:56So you just, like, harmless, set it to Daniel O'Donnell voice.
9:24:56 > 9:25:00- SOFT VOICE:- "I looked at a lamb in the wrong way," something like that.
9:25:00 > 9:25:03"Oh... A lamb ran away..." Blah-blah-blah.
9:25:03 > 9:25:06Is there a RIGHT way to look at a lamb? That's the other thing!
9:25:06 > 9:25:09Well, you're not from Donegal! Right?
9:25:09 > 9:25:13Then you just ramp it up all the way to Christian Bale in Batman.
9:25:13 > 9:25:16- GRUFF VOICE:- "Father, Father, I had sex with a Protestant,
9:25:16 > 9:25:17"and I liked it!"
9:25:20 > 9:25:24- The Church of Ireland, God love them...- I think he does!
9:25:24 > 9:25:26No, he does, he probably does.
9:25:26 > 9:25:29- No, they're having a census in Derry, and...- A census in Derry?!
9:25:29 > 9:25:32"There's one! There's one!"
9:25:32 > 9:25:35- That's exactly it! - There's one!- That's exactly it!
9:25:35 > 9:25:38They're trying to work out how many there are,
9:25:38 > 9:25:41and there's only about seven. Right?
9:25:41 > 9:25:44And it should be, like, a Quiet Man.
9:25:44 > 9:25:46Remember that scene in The Quiet Man?
9:25:46 > 9:25:49- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Yes!- You remember it? You know what I mean?
9:25:49 > 9:25:54The parish priest in Derry should get all the Taigs out. Right?
9:25:54 > 9:25:59In The Quiet Man, the parish priest got all his flock out,
9:25:59 > 9:26:01the Bishop was going by, and he says,
9:26:01 > 9:26:03"Cheer like good Protestants," right?
9:26:03 > 9:26:06In Derry, all the Taigs should go into the Protestant church,
9:26:06 > 9:26:10- fill in the wee form and then go out the side.- So your man keeps his job.
9:26:10 > 9:26:11Keeps his job.
9:26:11 > 9:26:12Otherwise he's stuffed.
9:26:16 > 9:26:19Two big issues dominated the entire Blame Game series.
9:26:19 > 9:26:22"How does Tim McGarry still look so young?"
9:26:22 > 9:26:26And "What the hell is Colin Murphy wearing this week?"
9:26:26 > 9:26:28I'm joking! It's Brexit and Trump.
9:26:28 > 9:26:31Very week, the news was all about Trump or Brexit,
9:26:31 > 9:26:33or sometimes Brexit AND Trump.
9:26:33 > 9:26:34Brexump!
9:26:34 > 9:26:37Who can we blame for Donald Trump?
9:26:41 > 9:26:43It's very confusing if you're from Northern Ireland, though,
9:26:43 > 9:26:46cos he's the only orange man who's also a Republican.
9:26:49 > 9:26:52It's quite confusing. He admitted...
9:26:52 > 9:26:55He said on air on a video that he groped women
9:26:55 > 9:26:57and that he grabbed them by their nether regions -
9:26:57 > 9:26:59I'll say it in the most polite way possible -
9:26:59 > 9:27:00by their genitals, like.
9:27:00 > 9:27:03My theory is that if you grab him by his own genitals,
9:27:03 > 9:27:06the hair just hinges up like that, just...
9:27:06 > 9:27:09You know when you stand on a pedal bin, and it just goes mwuh?
9:27:09 > 9:27:12I don't know if it makes that noise. Mwuh!
9:27:12 > 9:27:16- Like that!- He's only 4% behind in the opinion polls.- He could win!
9:27:16 > 9:27:19- I blame Hillary Clinton. How bad is she?- I know!
9:27:19 > 9:27:2111 women have come forward,
9:27:21 > 9:27:26claiming that Trump acted sexually inappropriate and he's still 4%...
9:27:26 > 9:27:28Fuckin' Bill Cosby could win this election.
9:27:31 > 9:27:34- I don't get it, how that guy can be taken so seriously.- I know.
9:27:34 > 9:27:36I've helped old guys into a taxi
9:27:36 > 9:27:39in a more coherent state than Donald Trump.
9:27:40 > 9:27:42People say they like him cos he speaks his mind.
9:27:42 > 9:27:45But old people in pubs speak their mind every Friday night,
9:27:45 > 9:27:46but you don't encourage them.
9:27:46 > 9:27:49Just a pat on the back, "Enjoy your night, mate."
9:27:49 > 9:27:52That's all it would take to defeat Donald Trump.
9:27:52 > 9:27:54"Build a wall! Make America great again!"
9:27:54 > 9:27:58"Enjoy your night, mate," and just leave him. Leave the guy!
9:28:06 > 9:28:09But everybody in America, they're in the streets, they're protesting,
9:28:09 > 9:28:12and all the celebrities are on tweets and all this sort of thing,
9:28:12 > 9:28:14and everybody is appalled at it,
9:28:14 > 9:28:16so appalled about what's going to happen to America.
9:28:16 > 9:28:19They said he's going to repeal reproductive rights for women,
9:28:19 > 9:28:23he's going to take away gay marriage, he's going to make it
9:28:23 > 9:28:27illegal for people to get married if they're gay, he's going to...
9:28:27 > 9:28:29the gay blood thing, and I think, "They're describing here!
9:28:29 > 9:28:31"They're describing here!"
9:28:31 > 9:28:34They're appalled that there is going to turn into here.
9:28:34 > 9:28:36"He's going to build walls everywhere." We've got that!
9:28:36 > 9:28:38We've got that"!
9:28:38 > 9:28:39APPLAUSE
9:28:39 > 9:28:42And they're going, "It's going to be so awful!"
9:28:45 > 9:28:47The Canadian Embassy went down, didn't it?
9:28:47 > 9:28:50The Canadian passport office went down because of people
9:28:50 > 9:28:52just trying to get out of there as quickly as they could.
9:28:52 > 9:28:54But it was the same, y'know,
9:28:54 > 9:28:56in England when the Brexit result came through.
9:28:56 > 9:28:58The Irish Embassy went down,
9:28:58 > 9:29:01there were so many people trying to get Irish passports
9:29:01 > 9:29:02when the Leave result came in.
9:29:02 > 9:29:05There was people who'd never even been to Ireland phoning up, going...
9:29:05 > 9:29:07- POSH ACCENT:- "Hello. I'm not actually Irish myself,
9:29:07 > 9:29:10"but we did once have an Irish setter called Rory.
9:29:12 > 9:29:15"Please can I stay in the EU?"
9:29:15 > 9:29:17You've got to feel sorry for Hillary, though.
9:29:17 > 9:29:20I mean, that must be gutting, mustn't it,
9:29:20 > 9:29:23to lose a popularity race to Trump?
9:29:23 > 9:29:26- You'd go, "Oh, my God!" - But she won.- She won!
9:29:26 > 9:29:28- Well, she got more votes... - The popular vote.
9:29:28 > 9:29:31- Popular votes.- You know who I feel sorry for?- But to lose...
9:29:31 > 9:29:32And she must be knackered.
9:29:32 > 9:29:37I mean, it's been 19 months of campaigning, 19 months,
9:29:37 > 9:29:39and she's done a lot of aggressive smiling.
9:29:39 > 9:29:41A lot of aggressive...
9:29:41 > 9:29:44She's not an easy smiler, is she? It's not a gentle smile. It's a...
9:29:50 > 9:29:52APPLAUSE
9:29:58 > 9:30:01There was a 120% increase in British people
9:30:01 > 9:30:04looking for Irish passports in August alone.
9:30:04 > 9:30:05And, no offence to anybody,
9:30:05 > 9:30:09but if you're English and you want to come to the Republic of Ireland,
9:30:09 > 9:30:12I mean, en masse, I don't think you should be allowed to come over
9:30:12 > 9:30:14and take all the jobs off the Polish people.
9:30:16 > 9:30:19For the first time ever, the Newsletter basically had,
9:30:19 > 9:30:22"Brits out," on the front of its thing, y'know?
9:30:22 > 9:30:25And the pound's fell on the euro. I don't know what that is.
9:30:25 > 9:30:28It's probably going to be about 20 quid for a Cornetto next summer
9:30:28 > 9:30:30when you're on holiday.
9:30:30 > 9:30:33What I want to see is the Larne-Stranraer ferry
9:30:33 > 9:30:36and the first time an Orangeman is stopped at Stranraer
9:30:36 > 9:30:40and asked for his passport. That's what I'm waiting to see!
9:30:40 > 9:30:42And he's forced to hand him an Irish one!
9:30:44 > 9:30:47- That's going to be fun! - APPLAUSE
9:30:47 > 9:30:49I blame the English. Yeah.
9:30:49 > 9:30:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
9:30:54 > 9:31:00- It's true! You voted to remain here. - Yeah.- Scotland, we voted to...
9:31:00 > 9:31:03I think Scotland and Northern Ireland should merge
9:31:03 > 9:31:06- and stay in Europe. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
9:31:07 > 9:31:10That would be great! We could become the European Capital
9:31:10 > 9:31:13of Shite Weather and Religious Intolerance.
9:31:13 > 9:31:15It's a pain in the arse, innit?
9:31:15 > 9:31:17I don't know why Theresa May's in such a hurry.
9:31:17 > 9:31:20She's triggered Article 50.
9:31:20 > 9:31:23I don't know if anybody's read any of these 50 articles,
9:31:23 > 9:31:25never mind the last one.
9:31:25 > 9:31:28But she wants to get it moving by March, which is soon.
9:31:28 > 9:31:33It took me about six months to get out of a Vodafone contract, so...
9:31:38 > 9:31:39Just time for this week's news.
9:31:39 > 9:31:41I will read you various newspaper headlines,
9:31:41 > 9:31:44and I want you to be faster than Arlene Foster saying to her
9:31:44 > 9:31:48Chinese hosts, "Any chance I could stay here until the heat dies down?"
9:31:54 > 9:31:56"Take issue with the term 'cockpit' "?
9:32:01 > 9:32:03"Last time I..."
9:32:05 > 9:32:08That doesn't even need finishing off!
9:32:14 > 9:32:16"Says passenger on Stena Sealink."
9:32:22 > 9:32:24"Civil Service adopts new motto."
9:32:28 > 9:32:31"Would be easier than building Casement Park."
9:32:34 > 9:32:38"Tim McGarry to star in next 50 Grades Of Sh..." Agh!
9:32:38 > 9:32:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
9:32:47 > 9:32:50"Bill Cosby to replace Samuel L Jackson in movie sequel."
9:32:51 > 9:32:54APPLAUSE
9:32:54 > 9:32:55And finally...
9:32:58 > 9:33:01"Julian Simmons goes out in style."
9:33:01 > 9:33:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
9:33:07 > 9:33:11Until next time, don't blame yourselves, blame each other!
9:33:11 > 9:33:12Goodbye.