7:23:19 > 7:23:23Hello, hello, and welcome to the Blame Game Review Of The Year show,
7:23:23 > 7:23:25the show that will have you laughing like
7:23:25 > 7:23:28a farmer on the Renewable Heat Incentive scheme.
7:23:29 > 7:23:33I'm Tim McGarry, and in a year marked by celebrity deaths,
7:23:33 > 7:23:37I'm delighted to say that our panel made it through 2016 alive!
7:23:37 > 7:23:39They are, of course, Colin Murphy,
7:23:39 > 7:23:41Jake O'Kane, and Neil Delamere!
7:23:47 > 7:23:51And our special guest tonight is a TV presenter, actress and comedian.
7:23:51 > 7:23:52She starred with Basil Brush,
7:23:52 > 7:23:55you saw her on Channel 4's Balls Of Steel,
7:23:55 > 7:23:59and she did hidden camera pranks on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno.
7:23:59 > 7:24:02Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the fabulous Olivia Lee!
7:24:09 > 7:24:13Olivia's current show is called Dirty, Sexy, Funny,
7:24:13 > 7:24:16which incidentally accurately describes our panel.
7:24:19 > 7:24:20I'll let you decide who's who!
7:24:21 > 7:24:24Now, on with the show. The audience ask the questions,
7:24:24 > 7:24:26and our panel provide some very unreliable answers.
7:24:26 > 7:24:27So, what's our first question tonight?
7:24:27 > 7:24:30Well, we actually only have one question tonight for everyone,
7:24:30 > 7:24:32and it's the same question -
7:24:32 > 7:24:35"Who do you blame for 2016?"
7:24:35 > 7:24:38Yes, 2016, a year to remember.
7:24:38 > 7:24:42Or, to put it another way, what a fecking awful year that was!
7:24:42 > 7:24:44Much-loved celebrities died, there were wars,
7:24:44 > 7:24:48environmental disasters, and political extremism was on the rise.
7:24:48 > 7:24:51And that was just the first week in January.
7:24:51 > 7:24:53Locally, we had the Fresh Start,
7:24:53 > 7:24:57when our politicians finally turned away from petty sectarian politics
7:24:57 > 7:25:01and got on with the job of pissing taxpayer's money down the drain...
7:25:01 > 7:25:03and up a chimney.
7:25:04 > 7:25:07There was the Nama scandal. Solicitors in the Nama scandal
7:25:07 > 7:25:10were said to have accepted £7.5 million
7:25:10 > 7:25:12for just two weeks' work.
7:25:12 > 7:25:14And as an ex-lawyer myself, can I just say...
7:25:14 > 7:25:16that's quite reasonable, actually.
7:25:17 > 7:25:21As part of the Nama-drama, flag protestor Jamie Bryson
7:25:21 > 7:25:24was alleged to have been coached by Sinn Fein on how to give evidence.
7:25:24 > 7:25:26I don't believe it myself.
7:25:26 > 7:25:29I mean, I know Shinners, and the only coaching they've ever given
7:25:29 > 7:25:32anyone on giving evidence is, "Say feck all."
7:25:35 > 7:25:39Our politicians also continued to block gay marriage.
7:25:39 > 7:25:43Arlene Foster said that many gay men didn't really want to get married.
7:25:43 > 7:25:44Well, that's not true.
7:25:44 > 7:25:46Many gay men would like to get married,
7:25:46 > 7:25:49the trouble is they just can't find somewhere to buy a wedding cake.
7:25:50 > 7:25:53LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
7:25:57 > 7:26:01But, Jake O'Kane, who do you blame for 2016?
7:26:01 > 7:26:04The vice-chancellor of Queen's University,
7:26:04 > 7:26:08he came out in 2016 and he said that
7:26:08 > 7:26:10he wanted to do away
7:26:10 > 7:26:14with 21-year-olds studying 6th-century history.
7:26:14 > 7:26:16Know what I mean? It was a waste of time,
7:26:16 > 7:26:19and society doesn't need kids with
7:26:19 > 7:26:22degrees in 6th-century history.
7:26:22 > 7:26:24But if it's about here, if history's about here,
7:26:24 > 7:26:27then that's current affairs, because...
7:26:27 > 7:26:28LAUGHTER
7:26:30 > 7:26:32What we need is politics students!
7:26:32 > 7:26:34I never thought I'd be saying it, we need politics students!
7:26:34 > 7:26:37And coincidentally, I know that there was a teacher,
7:26:37 > 7:26:41A-level teacher in a school, who advised her pupils to watch
7:26:41 > 7:26:45The Blame Game to keep abreast of local politics.
7:26:45 > 7:26:49Now, when a teacher is telling A-level politics students
7:26:49 > 7:26:53to watch a satirical comedy show to keep up with local politics,
7:26:53 > 7:26:58that tells you all you need to know about local politicians.
7:26:58 > 7:27:01The Assembly, in 2016, as you said, a fresh start, fresh start.
7:27:01 > 7:27:05And the big fresh start was that Sinn Fein and the DUP
7:27:05 > 7:27:09were FINALLY going to deal with the scourge of paramilitarism.
7:27:09 > 7:27:11Finally, we're going to face them down.
7:27:11 > 7:27:14By the end of 2016,
7:27:14 > 7:27:17the Shinners were describing Slab Murphy,
7:27:17 > 7:27:21a convicted tax-dodger, and a man with many other talents...
7:27:21 > 7:27:23LAUGHTER
7:27:23 > 7:27:26..none of which I intend mentioning here,
7:27:26 > 7:27:28as a "Good republican."
7:27:28 > 7:27:32And Arlene Foster was photographed handing two million over
7:27:32 > 7:27:35to self-confessed UDA man Dee Stitt.
7:27:35 > 7:27:38About as fresh a start as a fart in a spaceship.
7:27:38 > 7:27:42Now, my plea to A-level politics students is, we need you.
7:27:42 > 7:27:46Do you understand? I'm not messing about here.
7:27:46 > 7:27:50We need you to study hard and get your exams.
7:27:50 > 7:27:52And then go to university, but not here...
7:27:52 > 7:27:55No, no, no, no, no.
7:27:55 > 7:27:57I want you to go away for three years and find out there's
7:27:57 > 7:28:00more to life than flags and marching, right?
7:28:00 > 7:28:03I want you to go away and get good politics degrees
7:28:03 > 7:28:05and come back and save us.
7:28:05 > 7:28:09But don't you do what a lot of them do - don't you sneak off.
7:28:09 > 7:28:12Don't you dare sneak off!
7:28:12 > 7:28:16Don't you go away and not come back cos you see if you do,
7:28:16 > 7:28:18I have a special set of skills.
7:28:18 > 7:28:21LAUGHTER
7:28:21 > 7:28:23I will find you!
7:28:24 > 7:28:28But I won't kill you! Oh, no, I'll do something much worse!
7:28:28 > 7:28:32I will take you back here and make you live out your days in Larne,
7:28:32 > 7:28:34walking The Gobbins Path!
7:28:40 > 7:28:43There is big money to be made, though, in studying,
7:28:43 > 7:28:46from foreign students coming here, because we are...
7:28:46 > 7:28:48We are, evidently, are...
7:28:48 > 7:28:51We run courses in conflict resolution, here...
7:28:51 > 7:28:54- Makes sense, makes sense. - ..that are the talk of the world.
7:28:54 > 7:28:56And people travel from far and wide,
7:28:56 > 7:28:59- they come from America and all those sorts of places.- America, you say?
7:28:59 > 7:29:02- America!- Wow!- Oh, marvellous! They're all here. They're thinking...
7:29:02 > 7:29:04- AMERICAN ACCENT:- "Oh, my God, it's conflict resolution. Oh, yeah!"
7:29:04 > 7:29:07- "I love Ireland."- Yeah. And then it's taught by an English fella...
7:29:07 > 7:29:11- LAUGHTER - And, eh, he...
7:29:11 > 7:29:13- They can't understand a word he's saying.- Yeah.
7:29:13 > 7:29:17We get them at the comedy club quite a lot, we get the students in.
7:29:17 > 7:29:19And it's a field trip for them, it genuinely is,
7:29:19 > 7:29:20and they're there going, "Why are you here?"
7:29:20 > 7:29:24"We were told by our tutor to come here to see how you, like,
7:29:24 > 7:29:27"cope with the Troubles and things, the humour..."
7:29:27 > 7:29:31And then you get Jake O'Kane, the angriest man in Northern Ireland!
7:29:32 > 7:29:34But you need arts students, because if you go...
7:29:34 > 7:29:35Because they're a bit of craic.
7:29:35 > 7:29:38If you go to a university and it has science students
7:29:38 > 7:29:40and medical students, they're studying all the time.
7:29:40 > 7:29:41So are lawyers - studying all the time.
7:29:41 > 7:29:45You have rag week, you get the Iron Stomach Competition, where people have to eat mad stuff.
7:29:45 > 7:29:49All the science students are going, "Oh, you could get E. coli from that, or salmonella from that..."
7:29:49 > 7:29:52You want a fella studying sociology and anthropology who's doing
7:29:52 > 7:29:54an hour a week of each going,
7:29:54 > 7:29:57"I'm going to eat that, cos I haven't eaten since Wednesday." That's what you want!
7:29:57 > 7:30:01Do you know, arts students, it's been proven, they gentrify an area.
7:30:01 > 7:30:04- They do. Yep.- They do. Arts students, media students, suddenly coffee shops open
7:30:04 > 7:30:08selling machachinos and soya mafa-lafa-cafa-frappa-chinos.
7:30:08 > 7:30:10If you have ever been to the Holy Land,
7:30:10 > 7:30:12it's like walking through Napoli.
7:30:12 > 7:30:13Yeah.
7:30:13 > 7:30:15LAUGHTER
7:30:15 > 7:30:17The coffee shops aren't making any money, though,
7:30:17 > 7:30:20cos they buy one coffee and they sit there all day staring at the wall,
7:30:20 > 7:30:23or on Instagram, you know, so it's a bit of a false economy.
7:30:23 > 7:30:26Well, you see, the thing is, this happens in every other part of the world, right?
7:30:26 > 7:30:29Hipsters move in with their very large beards and
7:30:29 > 7:30:32lumberjack shirts, and all of a sudden house prices go up,
7:30:32 > 7:30:36and an area that was once scummy is now lovely and gentrified.
7:30:36 > 7:30:39- This does not happen here.- No? - Places here are crap.
7:30:39 > 7:30:42They have been crap, they will always be crap,
7:30:42 > 7:30:45and hipsters are terrified to go anywhere near them, that's why.
7:30:45 > 7:30:48Cos if they go anywhere them they get their shit kicked in.
7:30:48 > 7:30:51We're going, "See you and your beard, on you... F... Off!"
7:30:51 > 7:30:53But that's maybe part of the charm.
7:30:55 > 7:30:59You're right, though. The politicians haven't done great, as normal.
7:30:59 > 7:31:02But things have been good this year. The Euros, fantastic.
7:31:02 > 7:31:06Let's be honest. It was a brilliant year, no disrespect, Olivia, but Northern Ireland were superb,
7:31:06 > 7:31:10Republic of Ireland were superb, and England were shite!
7:31:10 > 7:31:12It was brilliant. It was so good...
7:31:12 > 7:31:16- The fans were so good, they won awards...- We won a medal.- Well...
7:31:16 > 7:31:18Yeah. The fans of Northern Ireland and Republic of Ireland
7:31:18 > 7:31:21won a medal, and Anne Hidalgo, I think her name is,
7:31:21 > 7:31:24who is the mayor of Paris, gave it to the Irish fans
7:31:24 > 7:31:26from the South, and from the North as well,
7:31:26 > 7:31:29which... Rafael Nadal has also won the same medal!
7:31:29 > 7:31:32How annoyed would you be if you were him? You're just in a pub...
7:31:32 > 7:31:34"Oh, you've got one as well. What did you get it for?"
7:31:34 > 7:31:37"I won seven French... Opens and a load of Grand Slam tournaments.
7:31:37 > 7:31:40"What did you get if for?" "Ah, just, you know, singing.
7:31:40 > 7:31:42- "And, eh... - LAUGHTER
7:31:42 > 7:31:45"..just, you know, not wrecking the gaff, basically."
7:31:45 > 7:31:48So, Tim McGarry was at the Euros, so Tim McGarry,
7:31:48 > 7:31:50- you have that medal, right?- Yeah!
7:31:50 > 7:31:53I've written this down, do you know who else got that medal as well?
7:31:53 > 7:31:57Mahmoud Abbas of the Palestinian Authority.
7:31:57 > 7:32:01Mahmoud Abbas of the Palestinian Authority and Tim McGarry
7:32:01 > 7:32:02have the same medal.
7:32:02 > 7:32:05A man who has worked tirelessly for peace in one of the most
7:32:05 > 7:32:07divided places in the world...
7:32:07 > 7:32:09and Mahmoud Abbas.
7:32:09 > 7:32:11LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
7:32:15 > 7:32:17But it was. It was a beautiful thing.
7:32:17 > 7:32:19The Northern Ireland fans and Republic fans all got on well,
7:32:19 > 7:32:21and they were drinking and mingling together,
7:32:21 > 7:32:24and at one stage I thought the entire competition was organised by
7:32:24 > 7:32:26the bloody Alliance Party(!) I mean it was...
7:32:26 > 7:32:27LAUGHTER
7:32:27 > 7:32:30# Stand up for Naomi Long! #
7:32:30 > 7:32:32You know. The fans from where I'm from,
7:32:32 > 7:32:35they're really louty and very uncouth. You know, really.
7:32:35 > 7:32:36Oh, no, we're not saying,
7:32:36 > 7:32:40we're not saying that these people were running around singing opera!
7:32:40 > 7:32:43They were singing, let's face it, the one song for three weeks!
7:32:45 > 7:32:49But, Jake, who do you blame for 2016? Do you have any resolutions?
7:32:49 > 7:32:51Are you going to do something different than 2016, going to...?
7:32:51 > 7:32:55I'm going to try to stay alive to 2017. My ambition.
7:32:55 > 7:32:57I suggest you don't do any more jokes about Slab Murphy...
7:32:57 > 7:33:00LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
7:33:03 > 7:33:05No. No, no, no.
7:33:05 > 7:33:08No, you see, that's where you're not up with your current affairs.
7:33:08 > 7:33:11Slab's still inside or I wouldn't have done that joke!
7:33:13 > 7:33:15Thank you very much for that.
7:33:15 > 7:33:18Yes, indeed, we remembered the events of 1916 this year.
7:33:18 > 7:33:21Martin McGuinness actually went to the battlefield of the Somme
7:33:21 > 7:33:24to pay his respects. He met local dignitaries and was shown artefacts
7:33:24 > 7:33:27from the battlefield, such as helmets and bullets.
7:33:27 > 7:33:30The visit went very well, right up until they handed Marty
7:33:30 > 7:33:33a 1916 machine gun, and he stripped it down and cleaned it.
7:33:33 > 7:33:35LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
7:33:43 > 7:33:47And the Queen turned 90 this year.
7:33:47 > 7:33:51She's 90, yet she always manages to move with the times and stay young.
7:33:51 > 7:33:53If you were to go to Buckingham Palace today,
7:33:53 > 7:33:56you'd find Her Majesty running around collecting Pokemon Go.
7:33:57 > 7:34:00I actually did a royal gig for the first time myself.
7:34:00 > 7:34:04Yes, I did a gig for Prince Charles, and it went very well.
7:34:04 > 7:34:05He'd no idea who I was, obviously.
7:34:05 > 7:34:08For the first ten minutes he genuinely thought I was
7:34:08 > 7:34:10Jeremy Corbyn's dad.
7:34:12 > 7:34:14And can I just say that, just because I've met royalty,
7:34:14 > 7:34:17it won't affect me. It won't change Tim McGarry...
7:34:17 > 7:34:18OBE.
7:34:19 > 7:34:24Well, who's next tonight? Who do you blame for 2016, Neil Delamere?
7:34:24 > 7:34:26- Who do you blame?- Trump! Got to blame Trump.
7:34:26 > 7:34:28What's going on with the world. I can't even believe...
7:34:28 > 7:34:31I don't even understand how he got elected because
7:34:31 > 7:34:33Clinton had all the experience and all the celebrity backers as well.
7:34:33 > 7:34:36She had Jay Z and Beyonce and all the glamour,
7:34:36 > 7:34:38and Donald Trump had...
7:34:38 > 7:34:41He had Don King, the boxing promoter, and Mike Tyson.
7:34:41 > 7:34:43Now, you can understand why Don King would support him,
7:34:43 > 7:34:46he's the only one who has weirder hair than Donald Trump.
7:34:46 > 7:34:49But Mike Tyson? What did Donald Trump say,
7:34:49 > 7:34:52and what did he reveal about his attitudes to women
7:34:52 > 7:34:54that would convince convicted rapist
7:34:54 > 7:34:57Mike Tyson to support him?
7:34:57 > 7:35:01One person who kind of described it in one little synopsis was
7:35:01 > 7:35:03a barber I went to the other day, right?
7:35:03 > 7:35:04In Dublin. And he went to me,
7:35:04 > 7:35:07"Oh, the Americans are after electing a muppet!
7:35:07 > 7:35:09"A bleeding muppet, a republican again!
7:35:09 > 7:35:12"Why do people make the same mistakes
7:35:12 > 7:35:14"over and over and over again?
7:35:14 > 7:35:17"Then again, I've got five different kids by five different mammies,
7:35:17 > 7:35:19"so what do I know?"
7:35:19 > 7:35:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
7:35:26 > 7:35:29- But Brexit's the other thing that... - Oh, Brexit.
7:35:29 > 7:35:31It's the gift that keeps on giving...
7:35:31 > 7:35:33unless you've got a grant. Erm...
7:35:33 > 7:35:37- Yeah.- They won't, actually... They don't know what they're going to do.
7:35:37 > 7:35:41- The British Government hasn't a clue...- Before we go any further, I want to clear something up,
7:35:41 > 7:35:44cos I am sick to the back of teeth of reading about Brexit,
7:35:44 > 7:35:46looking at Brexit and everybody talking about when Britain gets out
7:35:46 > 7:35:50of this, and when Britain will look after itself, when Britain... Can I just point something out?
7:35:50 > 7:35:54Britain is not leaving the EU, the United Kingdom is leaving the EU.
7:35:54 > 7:35:58It's not called Brexit, it's called "UKexit". That's what it's called.
7:35:58 > 7:36:00- UKexit could work. - UKexit could work.
7:36:00 > 7:36:03- Yeah, but they don't have a clue what they're going to do, they haven't a clue.- No.
7:36:03 > 7:36:05So, basically they want access to the single market,
7:36:05 > 7:36:08but they also want to control their immigration.
7:36:08 > 7:36:09- Like, that doesn't work.- No.
7:36:09 > 7:36:12They want to be in the club, but not obey any of the rules of the club.
7:36:12 > 7:36:15- You know what they sound like? Catholics.- They do. - Do you know those people who go,
7:36:15 > 7:36:19"I cannot believe my child can't go to that Catholic school." "Do you go to mass?"
7:36:19 > 7:36:21"That is not the point of this argument!"
7:36:21 > 7:36:25- They haven't a clue what they're going to do.- No.- One of the things they suggested, right...
7:36:25 > 7:36:26- So, the Scots might leave.- Yep.
7:36:26 > 7:36:28They might have another independence referendum,
7:36:28 > 7:36:32even though in 2014 they said, when they had an independence referendum,
7:36:32 > 7:36:36"This is a once in a generation event!"
7:36:36 > 7:36:40Only in Scotland, only in a country with such low life expectancy,
7:36:40 > 7:36:43is three years a generation!
7:36:43 > 7:36:45That is true!
7:36:45 > 7:36:46Absolutely.
7:36:46 > 7:36:49Cos we're Northern Ireland, we can work out a compromise.
7:36:49 > 7:36:52We could be part of the EU and then not part of the EU, say,
7:36:52 > 7:36:55- on designated days. - Oh, that's a good idea.
7:36:55 > 7:36:59- I don't know, there must be a flag we could use for that.- Oh, a flag!
7:36:59 > 7:37:02I'll get on it. I'll start doing one now.
7:37:02 > 7:37:04LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
7:37:07 > 7:37:09Cos we love a flag. And you know...
7:37:09 > 7:37:12- You know, Brexit actually reminds me...- UKexit.
7:37:12 > 7:37:16UKexit, yes, it remains me of when Geri Halliwell overestimated
7:37:16 > 7:37:19things a little bit and left the Spice Girls to go solo.
7:37:19 > 7:37:20That's the only comparison I can make.
7:37:20 > 7:37:23Everyone told her at the time, it was hubris, like, "Yeah!
7:37:23 > 7:37:26"You're great, you can go on your own, yeah, you've got talent, girl!"
7:37:26 > 7:37:29And then - leaves, tumbleweeds!
7:37:29 > 7:37:30Nothing.
7:37:30 > 7:37:34- That is a very good analogy. - It's my own pop culture analogy.
7:37:34 > 7:37:36Even had her own flag and everything.
7:37:36 > 7:37:37LAUGHTER
7:37:39 > 7:37:41Thank you, thank you very much for that.
7:37:41 > 7:37:43Yes, Donald Trump is the new American president.
7:37:43 > 7:37:46The Donald says he's 100% American.
7:37:46 > 7:37:48In fact, his roots are so pure it turns out
7:37:48 > 7:37:50he is actually descended from Native Americans, yes.
7:37:50 > 7:37:52His original Native American name is
7:37:52 > 7:37:54"man with dead beaver on head."
7:37:56 > 7:37:59People said that the Brexit vote was anti-establishment,
7:37:59 > 7:38:02a kickback against the liberal metropolitan elite.
7:38:02 > 7:38:04Of course, this is Northern Ireland,
7:38:04 > 7:38:07we don't have a liberal metropolitan elite.
7:38:07 > 7:38:10At least, that's what Jake O'Kane told me yesterday
7:38:10 > 7:38:13as he ordered a gluten-free muffin...
7:38:13 > 7:38:16with his cinnamon latte...
7:38:16 > 7:38:18in a pub in North Belfast.
7:38:20 > 7:38:23Our next question, as always, is who do you blame for 2016?
7:38:23 > 7:38:25Olivia Lee, who do you blame?
7:38:25 > 7:38:28Well, it's very simple for me and it's undisputed.
7:38:28 > 7:38:30I blame Kim Kardashian.
7:38:30 > 7:38:33I don't actually blame her, I blame her bum.
7:38:33 > 7:38:36She keeps breaking the internet with this thing, doesn't she?
7:38:36 > 7:38:38And we need the internet.
7:38:38 > 7:38:41It's her bum everywhere, like, "Here's my bum in the kitchen.
7:38:41 > 7:38:46"Here's my bum at Lidl. Here's my bum doing bum things."
7:38:46 > 7:38:48Put your bum away, stop breaking the internet.
7:38:48 > 7:38:51And the guy, the main internet guy who owns the internet,
7:38:51 > 7:38:54the internet God, you know, he's sat there,
7:38:54 > 7:38:56it's costing him thousands in repair bills.
7:38:56 > 7:38:59And he's like, you know, he's on the phone like, "Yeah, yeah,
7:38:59 > 7:39:02"all right, mate. Can someone come out today?
7:39:02 > 7:39:04"Yeah, no, Kim got her bum out again.
7:39:04 > 7:39:05"Yeah, no, no, definitely broken.
7:39:05 > 7:39:08"No, I tried switching it on and off, no luck, no luck."
7:39:08 > 7:39:12So, you know, she's quite clearly addicted to social media.
7:39:12 > 7:39:16- It has become a thing, though, hasn't it?- It's her bum!
7:39:16 > 7:39:20And also it's a whole phenomenon now, this addiction to social media.
7:39:20 > 7:39:25And she's clearly addicted and no-one is kind of saying it from a psychological point of view.
7:39:25 > 7:39:27They're like, "Oh, my God, she's amazing,"
7:39:27 > 7:39:29and she's earning thousands with every tweet,
7:39:29 > 7:39:31and I think I'm a little bit addicted to social media.
7:39:31 > 7:39:32I'm always on my phone.
7:39:32 > 7:39:34Recently it took me two months to realise
7:39:34 > 7:39:36that my fiance had grown a beard.
7:39:38 > 7:39:41And there's a little part of me that might be jealous.
7:39:41 > 7:39:43You know, cos Kim Kardashian gets paid thousands
7:39:43 > 7:39:46every time she tweets a picture of her bum.
7:39:46 > 7:39:50And I get paid not to tweet pictures of my bottom.
7:39:50 > 7:39:52Because when I bend over the internet disappears
7:39:52 > 7:39:56into this kind of black hole of nothingness.
7:39:56 > 7:39:58You've got one of those arses that blocks the internet?
7:39:58 > 7:40:00- No, it blocks the sun! - A friend of mine...
7:40:00 > 7:40:02I bend over and the sun goes in. Total eclipse!
7:40:02 > 7:40:05- My friend is convinced his missus blocks the internet.- With her bum?!
7:40:05 > 7:40:08- Yeah. Seriously! - Maybe the Wi-Fi signal.
7:40:08 > 7:40:11I'm saying the Wi-Fi, and I said, "Stop saying the bum thing."
7:40:11 > 7:40:12And he's going, "No, but it is,
7:40:12 > 7:40:15"every time she walks in the room her hole stops the internet."
7:40:15 > 7:40:16LAUGHTER
7:40:16 > 7:40:20I've noticed this, you're watching TV, you're watching the news,
7:40:20 > 7:40:22and if they ever talk about obesity,
7:40:22 > 7:40:24there's always a picture
7:40:24 > 7:40:27of some poor crater's arse walking down the street.
7:40:27 > 7:40:28And...
7:40:28 > 7:40:31Imagine you're sitting at home having your tea
7:40:31 > 7:40:33and, "That's my arse!"
7:40:34 > 7:40:38"That's my arse there, nobody asked me to put my arse on TV!"
7:40:38 > 7:40:39You'd see it and go...
7:40:41 > 7:40:44The best one was at Johnny McDaid's wedding, wasn't it?
7:40:44 > 7:40:47- Or his sister's wedding. - His sister's wedding, the Snow Patrol fella.
7:40:47 > 7:40:49- Brid... Was that her name? - Yeah.- She got married,
7:40:49 > 7:40:52and Snow Patrol and Ed Sheeran turned up at the wedding
7:40:52 > 7:40:53and played at the wedding.
7:40:53 > 7:40:55And Courteney Cox was at the wedding.
7:40:55 > 7:40:58- It's fantastic! - I would be furious, as a bride.
7:40:58 > 7:40:59Cos you think they'd show off you.
7:40:59 > 7:41:02Yeah, they did a gig for half an hour, so all the guests were
7:41:02 > 7:41:05going, "My God, your brother's amazing, I love that song."
7:41:05 > 7:41:08- It's about me!- That's true. I hadn't thought of that.
7:41:08 > 7:41:10It's a Derry wedding! The ones in Derry would be going,
7:41:10 > 7:41:13"Ah, they were good, but I wouldn't have paid to see them."
7:41:13 > 7:41:15LAUGHTER
7:41:17 > 7:41:19You have Snow Patrol,
7:41:19 > 7:41:21you've Snow Patrol there for your first dance.
7:41:21 > 7:41:22That's kind of amazing.
7:41:22 > 7:41:26I'm planning my wedding so that just makes me feel awful, because there's no way...
7:41:26 > 7:41:28You can tell a lot about a person by what they had for their first dance.
7:41:28 > 7:41:30You can tell an age of a person.
7:41:30 > 7:41:33A friend of mine had Snow Patrol as his first dance.
7:41:33 > 7:41:35You had Nick Cave for your first dance.
7:41:35 > 7:41:36Nick Cave And The Bad Seeds.
7:41:36 > 7:41:39And you had a man come out and play the lute, didn't he?
7:41:39 > 7:41:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
7:41:42 > 7:41:44A harpsichord.
7:41:45 > 7:41:47Oh! No! That's...
7:41:47 > 7:41:49This is the sad thing, and this is true -
7:41:49 > 7:41:52that is the only time I've ever danced with my wife.
7:41:52 > 7:41:53Was it?
7:41:53 > 7:41:55It lasted about three minutes.
7:41:55 > 7:41:57HE HUMS
7:41:57 > 7:42:00Is that what you were doing?! I thought you were moving furniture!
7:42:02 > 7:42:04Thank you, thank you very much for that.
7:42:04 > 7:42:07Yes, indeed, we said goodbye to many things in 2016.
7:42:07 > 7:42:09The Twaddell Avenue stand-off ended,
7:42:09 > 7:42:12which pleased everyone except Jake O'Kane,
7:42:12 > 7:42:15who lost 15 minutes of material for his new stand-up show.
7:42:16 > 7:42:19And we're finally saying goodbye to DLA
7:42:19 > 7:42:23and hello to Personal Independence Payments, or Pips.
7:42:23 > 7:42:26It's hard to explain the concept of DLA to someone not from here,
7:42:26 > 7:42:30but basically in Northern Ireland many shopping centres set aside
7:42:30 > 7:42:33special car parking spaces for drivers who are able-bodied.
7:42:33 > 7:42:36LAUGHTER
7:42:44 > 7:42:47And finally, who do you blame, Colin Murphy, for 2016?
7:42:47 > 7:42:49You know, there are all the big stories and big things,
7:42:49 > 7:42:52the Trumps and the Brexits, but you know what?
7:42:52 > 7:42:55Local things are the things that I...
7:42:55 > 7:42:58You know, people forget about all that at the end of the year.
7:42:58 > 7:43:00Some people do make it into the bigger picture,
7:43:00 > 7:43:03like your man Andrew Smith.
7:43:03 > 7:43:05I do watch Bake Off, I like it,
7:43:05 > 7:43:08and I wasn't rooting for him.
7:43:08 > 7:43:13He's lovely, but his voice would go through you like a dose of salts.
7:43:15 > 7:43:18Another bun story is Michaela McCollum came back this year.
7:43:18 > 7:43:20She did, yeah. Welcome home.
7:43:20 > 7:43:24She came back all glamorous, but within a few months the bun's back.
7:43:24 > 7:43:27- The bun is back.- Is the bun back? - The bun's back.
7:43:27 > 7:43:30She was photographed at the end of August and the bun is back there.
7:43:30 > 7:43:34You need a bun, where else are you going to hide a load of cocaine?
7:43:34 > 7:43:36- Yeah, it's buns. - I can think of one place.
7:43:36 > 7:43:38You can think of one place,
7:43:38 > 7:43:40but if you did put it up there it would block the Wi-Fi signal.
7:43:41 > 7:43:43And certainly change your hairstyle.
7:43:43 > 7:43:46Yes, so she's back, that's good.
7:43:46 > 7:43:50The other bun story this year was Greggs opened this year here.
7:43:50 > 7:43:54Yeah, I was dead against it, you know, I'm a lover of home baking.
7:43:54 > 7:43:56So, it opened on Royal Avenue,
7:43:56 > 7:43:58they tried to open a store in Belfast,
7:43:58 > 7:44:01and Bravissimo, the lingerie place,
7:44:01 > 7:44:03is next door to it and they lodged an appeal with the planning
7:44:03 > 7:44:06people cos they said, "This is going to affect our
7:44:06 > 7:44:08"business, we're trying to run an upmarket thing here."
7:44:08 > 7:44:11You don't want the smell of, you know, baps on...
7:44:11 > 7:44:14LAUGHTER
7:44:14 > 7:44:15..on your baps!
7:44:15 > 7:44:18And I thought, they're not looking at this the right way, you know?
7:44:18 > 7:44:21Lingerie, women don't buy lingerie, men buy lingerie.
7:44:21 > 7:44:23This is the perfect combination!
7:44:23 > 7:44:26This is bras, pants and the smell of pasties! That's what's...
7:44:26 > 7:44:29The place is going to be coming down with fellas going,
7:44:29 > 7:44:30"This smells lovely."
7:44:32 > 7:44:35"Can I get those knickers there with brown sauce, please?"
7:44:35 > 7:44:38And, especially this time of year, Christmas,
7:44:38 > 7:44:42women are bringing most lingerie back to the shop,
7:44:42 > 7:44:43because men buy it.
7:44:43 > 7:44:46I've been in that situation where you're buying bras and pants,
7:44:46 > 7:44:47trying to buy something fancy,
7:44:47 > 7:44:49and the women in the shop presume that you know nothing.
7:44:49 > 7:44:52They presume you don't know what size you're looking for,
7:44:52 > 7:44:54so they walk up and treat you like a complete idiot.
7:44:54 > 7:44:57I was in one, and this woman comes up and says, "You know what you're looking for?"
7:44:57 > 7:44:59"Yes, I do, actually."
7:44:59 > 7:45:02I was just about to tell exactly what I want and she just picks up a bra,
7:45:02 > 7:45:03"I see you're looking at these,"
7:45:03 > 7:45:05- and then holds it up against herself...- Have a feel!
7:45:05 > 7:45:08Yeah! She's doing this, and she'd going,
7:45:08 > 7:45:10"Is that the kind of thing you're looking at?"
7:45:10 > 7:45:12And I'm going, "What the fuck...?"
7:45:13 > 7:45:15And she's doing this modelling thing,
7:45:15 > 7:45:18like I don't know where a bra goes. Putting it on my head...
7:45:18 > 7:45:20- LAUGHTER - Did you have a squeeze?
7:45:22 > 7:45:24What's this thing for here?!
7:45:24 > 7:45:26Are these for holding sandwiches or something?
7:45:26 > 7:45:28Making toasties?
7:45:28 > 7:45:31And, seriously... It's for making snowballs!
7:45:32 > 7:45:34I'd like to buy a catapult, please.
7:45:36 > 7:45:39She's holding it up and saying, "Is she bigger or smaller than me?"
7:45:39 > 7:45:40Honest to God.
7:45:40 > 7:45:42And then picking up pants and holding up pants -
7:45:42 > 7:45:44like, I'm aware where those go.
7:45:44 > 7:45:46Just really uncomfortable sort of thing.
7:45:46 > 7:45:48So this was a perfect combination, I thought -
7:45:48 > 7:45:50- Greggs, the bakery and pants... - You deserve it!
7:45:50 > 7:45:54You deserve it, you went in and bought women's underwear.
7:45:54 > 7:45:55- Yeah. - What sort of freak are you?
7:45:57 > 7:45:59I wouldn't, I couldn't do it.
7:45:59 > 7:46:01- What, go in and buy...?- No, no, no.
7:46:01 > 7:46:03- Why couldn't you?- No! No!
7:46:03 > 7:46:04- Why?- No!
7:46:04 > 7:46:06Hold on, hold on.
7:46:06 > 7:46:08- For charity, if we raised enough money...- No!
7:46:08 > 7:46:10APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
7:46:12 > 7:46:15If we send...
7:46:15 > 7:46:18This is what we can do - you and I will write the script
7:46:18 > 7:46:21and we'll be in his ear and he has to walk in to,
7:46:21 > 7:46:24I don't know, is it Agent Provocateur?
7:46:24 > 7:46:25And go, "Hello!"
7:46:27 > 7:46:31- GRUFF VOICE:- "My name's Jake, and I'd like to see a bra!"
7:46:32 > 7:46:37- I was doing a show...- No, no! And she goes, "Is it for your wife?"
7:46:37 > 7:46:39"No!"
7:46:41 > 7:46:43"Something that makes my arse look small."
7:46:44 > 7:46:46"What size of a bra would you want?"
7:46:46 > 7:46:48"34B...
7:46:48 > 7:46:50"this one..."
7:46:50 > 7:46:51LAUGHTER
7:46:53 > 7:46:55A live show, wee girl in the audience,
7:46:55 > 7:46:57and she says, "Say hello to her!"
7:46:57 > 7:47:00Like 20 of them, and I said...
7:47:00 > 7:47:04She says, "She's booked the tickets, it's our Christmas party."
7:47:04 > 7:47:05"Where are you from?"
7:47:05 > 7:47:06"Ann Summers."
7:47:06 > 7:47:08"How are you doing, missus?"
7:47:08 > 7:47:11"Tell him, tell him! Tell him the dream you had."
7:47:11 > 7:47:12Seemingly, the manageress
7:47:12 > 7:47:15dreamt that I came into Ann Summers
7:47:15 > 7:47:17and asked for a job.
7:47:17 > 7:47:19LAUGHTER
7:47:20 > 7:47:22I explained to the lady,
7:47:22 > 7:47:24"That is not a dream, that is a nightmare, love."
7:47:24 > 7:47:27Could you imagine him as a greeter in Ann Summers?
7:47:27 > 7:47:29"All right?"
7:47:31 > 7:47:36Our other local hero who didn't have a great year, Jullian Simmons.
7:47:36 > 7:47:39Taking off in-vision. Yes, "Aww." Very sad.
7:47:39 > 7:47:42Jullian was taken off in-vision.
7:47:42 > 7:47:46Jullian was the last remaining in-vision continuity announcer
7:47:46 > 7:47:49on commercial television. On ITV.
7:47:49 > 7:47:52The last one. And he is the colour of Donald Trump.
7:47:53 > 7:47:56Genuinely, if you imagine just a really camp Donald Trump,
7:47:56 > 7:47:59that's exactly what he looks like. And...
7:47:59 > 7:48:01I would love a really camp Donald Trump.
7:48:01 > 7:48:03"We're going to build a wall, it's going to be gorgeous!"
7:48:04 > 7:48:07"Here, would you look at them Mexicans,
7:48:07 > 7:48:09"what they're at now, hmmm?"
7:48:09 > 7:48:12It is such a Northern Irish thing, though.
7:48:12 > 7:48:15- We did not understand. - Hold on, hold on!
7:48:15 > 7:48:19Yous have The Angelus, don't give me this!
7:48:19 > 7:48:23Dong! Dong! Dong!
7:48:23 > 7:48:25No-one hits... Well, we do play it in.
7:48:25 > 7:48:27There isn't a fella hitting a fucking bell!
7:48:27 > 7:48:29LAUGHTER
7:48:29 > 7:48:31There are also isn't somebody there going,
7:48:31 > 7:48:34"And next up on the RTE, The Angelus."
7:48:37 > 7:48:39"Wait till you hear the bongs this week, hmmm."
7:48:39 > 7:48:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
7:48:41 > 7:48:43Exactly, there isn't a guy announcing it.
7:48:48 > 7:48:51The point is, he is uniquely Northern Irish in that people
7:48:51 > 7:48:53from the south don't really get it at all.
7:48:53 > 7:48:57You can be with the most Republican fella and you'll be sitting there
7:48:57 > 7:49:00and you'll be going, "Do you think there'll ever be a united Ireland?"
7:49:00 > 7:49:02And then Jullian Simmons will come on and go,
7:49:02 > 7:49:04"Next up on Coronation Street..."
7:49:04 > 7:49:06And he'll be going, "I don't know if I want them back."
7:49:08 > 7:49:11- I've had that conversation. - Absolutely true.
7:49:11 > 7:49:13And Jackie Fullerton, as well.
7:49:13 > 7:49:14Oh, legend.
7:49:14 > 7:49:17I don't follow football, but his commentary seemed to be...
7:49:17 > 7:49:20Jackie had a list of names, and he would just read them out.
7:49:20 > 7:49:22That seemed to be the way it would work.
7:49:22 > 7:49:25He would go, "Magentsy! Gillespie!"
7:49:25 > 7:49:28It was like... It was just incredible.
7:49:28 > 7:49:29You really don't follow football, do you?
7:49:29 > 7:49:31He was shouting out the names
7:49:31 > 7:49:34- in the order of the ball going between them.- Oh, I know!
7:49:34 > 7:49:36But that's all it was, there was nothing else!
7:49:36 > 7:49:38It wasn't somebody going, "And a lovely move there."
7:49:38 > 7:49:41None of that. It was just, "Gillespie!
7:49:41 > 7:49:42"Milgilton."
7:49:42 > 7:49:44That's how long ago I watched it, by the way.
7:49:44 > 7:49:45He was good, though, I liked Jackie.
7:49:45 > 7:49:48He told me once his interviewing technique, when he interviewed
7:49:48 > 7:49:51people he had only two questions, and the first question was, "Really?"
7:49:52 > 7:49:54And the second question was, "Really?!"
7:49:54 > 7:49:55LAUGHTER
7:49:55 > 7:49:59Didn't you say you met him and he was working on his autobiography?
7:49:59 > 7:50:02Yeah, working on his autobiography and he said
7:50:02 > 7:50:05he was having trouble finishing the last chapter of his autobiography.
7:50:05 > 7:50:07I said, "What's the problem?"
7:50:07 > 7:50:09He said, "Wife's still alive."
7:50:09 > 7:50:10LAUGHTER
7:50:13 > 7:50:15Thank you, thank you very much for that.
7:50:15 > 7:50:16Just time for our quickfire round.
7:50:16 > 7:50:18I will read you various newspaper headlines and I want you to
7:50:18 > 7:50:20be faster than the whole world going,
7:50:20 > 7:50:23"Well, at least 2017 can't be as bad as...
7:50:23 > 7:50:25"Oh, hang on, President Trump."
7:50:29 > 7:50:32People in Lurgan start drinking Buckfast again.
7:50:36 > 7:50:38Hedgehogs try doggy style.
7:50:44 > 7:50:46The other quarter are on the DLA.
7:50:49 > 7:50:52APPLAUSE
7:50:58 > 7:50:59Unless it's insulin.
7:51:06 > 7:51:09Cliff's single every Christmas.
7:51:14 > 7:51:16That's it, that's the end of the show and the current series.
7:51:16 > 7:51:19Please show your appreciation to our panel,
7:51:19 > 7:51:22Colin Murphy, Olivia Lee, Jake O'Kane and Neil Delamere!
7:51:22 > 7:51:25APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
7:51:31 > 7:51:33And I'm Tim McGarry, until next time,
7:51:33 > 7:51:35don't blame yourselves, blame each other.
7:51:35 > 7:51:36Goodbye.
7:51:36 > 7:51:38APPLAUSE