0:00:22 > 0:00:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:27 > 0:00:31Hello! Hello and welcome to the brand-new series of The Blame Game.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34Yes, like party election broadcasts, we're back!
0:00:34 > 0:00:40LAUGHTER And unlike election broadcasts, people actually want to watch us.
0:00:40 > 0:00:44Yes, this show is hot. It's hotter than a DUP farmer's barn.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49I'm Tim McGarry and our regular panellists are, of course,
0:00:49 > 0:00:53Colin Murphy, Jake O'Kane and Neil Delamere!
0:00:53 > 0:00:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:58 > 0:01:01And our special guest tonight is an actor, a bestselling author,
0:01:01 > 0:01:05a blogger and a multi-award-winning stand-up comedian,
0:01:05 > 0:01:09ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the fabulous Janey Godley!
0:01:09 > 0:01:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:14 > 0:01:16And tonight, ladies and gentlemen,
0:01:16 > 0:01:20we are in the wonderful Burnavon Theatre in Cookstown.
0:01:20 > 0:01:24Ah, yes, Cookstown, the Las Vegas of County Tyrone.
0:01:25 > 0:01:29Cookstown is the fourth largest town in Tyrone and bills itself as
0:01:29 > 0:01:33the retail capital of Mid Ulster.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36What a boast that is, ladies and gentlemen!
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Yes, New York may be the city that never sleeps,
0:01:38 > 0:01:43but Cookstown is the town that never runs out of sausages.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46Cookstown even has its own unofficial slogan.
0:01:46 > 0:01:50"Looking good, looking great!"
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Looking good, fair enough, but then, Cookstown,
0:01:52 > 0:01:55don't take this the wrong way, I think you've overreached yourselves.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59Clearly, what's happened is someone came up with the slogan "looking good,"
0:01:59 > 0:02:01then went to a pub for a liquid lunch, came out and went,
0:02:01 > 0:02:05"Feck it, it's looking great now!"
0:02:05 > 0:02:07I'm joking, it's a wonderful place, Cookstown.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Sinn Fein leader Michelle O'Neill comes from the tiny village of
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Clonoe, which is close to Cookstown.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15Michelle believes that there will soon be a united Ireland.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17On the other hand,
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Michelle also believes that Cookstown is the big smoke.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22LAUGHTER
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Now, on with the show, the audience asks the questions and our
0:02:25 > 0:02:27panel provide some very unreliable answers.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30So, one of you, the audience in Cookstown, asked us tonight,
0:02:30 > 0:02:33who's to blame for the large number of Welsh rugby players on the
0:02:33 > 0:02:38recently named Lions team? AUDIENCE GROANS
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Says Arnold from Tandragee.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44Good to know we have a cross-community audience there.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46LAUGHTER
0:02:46 > 0:02:50Who's to blame for Buckfast Easter eggs being discontinued?
0:02:50 > 0:02:52LAUGHTER
0:02:53 > 0:02:56That's another Catholic there, obviously.
0:02:58 > 0:03:02Who's to blame for the chihuahua being arrested in Lurgan this week
0:03:02 > 0:03:05for jaywalking and serious anger issues?
0:03:05 > 0:03:06You know why he was so angry?
0:03:06 > 0:03:10Because they discontinued Buckfast Easter eggs in Lurgan.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13It was a chihuahua, the cops were on a patrol and he was an unattended chihuahua,
0:03:13 > 0:03:16jaywalking in the middle of the road in Lurgan,
0:03:16 > 0:03:20no collar, no nothing and they jumped out of the car
0:03:20 > 0:03:21to get him and...
0:03:21 > 0:03:23They climbed slowly out of the car.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26And they attacked him, so they arrested him. And...
0:03:26 > 0:03:31Yeah, so, he's done for the assault, the police officer, and jaywalking!
0:03:31 > 0:03:33We called him Nigel, they christened him Nigel.
0:03:33 > 0:03:34Yeah, they said in the paper,
0:03:34 > 0:03:37we called him Nigel cos he looked like a Nigel.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39That was it!
0:03:39 > 0:03:42OK, what is our first question tonight?
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Who do you blame for snap elections?
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Yes, Theresa May promised again and again
0:03:47 > 0:03:50that she would not call a snap election.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52And then she called a snap election.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55I mean, seriously, if you can't trust the word of a politician,
0:03:55 > 0:03:57who can you trust?
0:03:58 > 0:04:01So, the people of Northern Ireland have to go to the polls yet again.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04It's exactly the seventh time in the last few years that we've had
0:04:04 > 0:04:07to go and mark our ballot papers. Most people are fed up voting.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10On the plus side, we vote so often here, that pretty soon,
0:04:10 > 0:04:13we'll all be able to claim DLA for repetitive strain injury.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:22 > 0:04:26But who can we blame for the snap election?
0:04:26 > 0:04:29It's well named. Snap.
0:04:29 > 0:04:33Cos that's just about what I'm going to do if I hear one more election.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36Yous all rose up in a wave of apathy,
0:04:36 > 0:04:39disinterest and disgust, you know what I mean?
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Because we're just after the Assembly election, where we went out
0:04:42 > 0:04:47and we voted for a wonderful bunch of people into the Assembly.
0:04:47 > 0:04:51Great men and women, who rolled their sleeves up
0:04:51 > 0:04:53and went straight home.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55LAUGHTER
0:04:55 > 0:04:58But what really annoys me, do you know what they did a week ago?
0:04:58 > 0:05:01They took an Easter break!
0:05:01 > 0:05:04How can you take an Easter break when you're doing nothing?
0:05:04 > 0:05:06How do you manage, do you get put in a coma or something?
0:05:06 > 0:05:09So you can tell the difference! It's... No, no, no...
0:05:09 > 0:05:12No, no, this, this, this, this sums it up.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Did yous all get one of these? This is where you're living.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17They sent - Rates sent us out all a letter.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21Everyone in the whole country got a letter from the Rates Department,
0:05:21 > 0:05:24telling us that, "We will not be collecting your rates.
0:05:24 > 0:05:29"Due to the situation." Right? Right? 40,000 quid that cost.
0:05:29 > 0:05:3240,000 quid, to tell us what we already knew!
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Is there going to be an avalanche of these now?
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Are you going to have other ones coming out?
0:05:38 > 0:05:40"Dear Mary, sorry but we will be able to fund your heating.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43"Here's a blanket."
0:05:43 > 0:05:46"Dear Mickey, we won't be doing your heart operation.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50"Here's a list of undertakers."
0:05:50 > 0:05:52LAUGHTER
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Any Shinners in?
0:05:54 > 0:05:58The Shinners have been out registering everybody with a pulse,
0:05:58 > 0:06:02since the last election, and some of them don't even have a pulse.
0:06:02 > 0:06:07They're out and I've just... I've just... Forget it!
0:06:07 > 0:06:11I've got a solution, here's my solution. Direct rule. Direct rule.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14- That one's popular (!) - LAUGHTER
0:06:14 > 0:06:16I haven't finished! Not from Westminster.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19North Korea!
0:06:19 > 0:06:22LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:24 > 0:06:28Yes! I want Kim Jong-un or whatever they call him, the wee guy.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30I know he's a lunatic who probably plays with his own poo,
0:06:30 > 0:06:32right, fair enough.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34But he's better than the lunatics we have.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37I mean, we're so alike. You think about this.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41Korea, divided, North and South.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44We're divided, North and South.
0:06:44 > 0:06:48We love parades. They love parades.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Who does better parades better than wee Kim?
0:06:51 > 0:06:54But see Gerry Adams, if I hear Gerry Adams once more,
0:06:54 > 0:06:56"We want reunification."
0:06:56 > 0:06:59"Will the South, will you take us back, please? Please?
0:06:59 > 0:07:01"Will you take us back?"
0:07:01 > 0:07:05Kim Jong-un's got the right idea! Bomb them! That's what I say!
0:07:05 > 0:07:07LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Forget about this election.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16You shouldn't have had the last, the last Assembly election.
0:07:16 > 0:07:20Because you had, what? You had 108 seats, right? And then it was going to go down to 90 MLAs,
0:07:20 > 0:07:24so you needed to get 90 MLAs or 18 people were going to lose their seats.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26So, what you should have done, no election,
0:07:26 > 0:07:30you get lads from United Airlines to come in...
0:07:30 > 0:07:32LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:32 > 0:07:35And if that doesn't do it, nothing'll do it.
0:07:37 > 0:07:41Scotland's had loads of elections as well, haven't you?
0:07:41 > 0:07:44You've had your referendum and then you've had council elections and...
0:07:44 > 0:07:47We had the general election that time,
0:07:47 > 0:07:49then we have the referendum, then we had the Brexit,
0:07:49 > 0:07:52now we're about to have the local council elections,
0:07:52 > 0:07:53then another election.
0:07:53 > 0:07:58I've literally made more decisions about who is gonnae govern me
0:07:58 > 0:08:00than I have about contraception.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03LAUGHTER
0:08:03 > 0:08:07I can no longer pick anybody else that's annoyed me.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09We just keep going through them.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13And of course, it was really bizarre because two weeks ago
0:08:13 > 0:08:17Nicola Sturgeon says "We're going to have another referendum,"
0:08:17 > 0:08:22and, you know, Big Theresa, as I like to call her, Big Theresa said,
0:08:22 > 0:08:25"Now is not the time!"
0:08:25 > 0:08:27And we're were like, "Oh, OK."
0:08:27 > 0:08:29She went, "But now I'm gonnae have an election."
0:08:29 > 0:08:32And it's like she's organised a party but then Nicola's went,
0:08:32 > 0:08:35"I'm having a party," and she's like, "No, I'm having a party now."
0:08:35 > 0:08:37And then we're having another election.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40Then we're gonnae have the local elections and then we're gonnae
0:08:40 > 0:08:43have a Scottish Referendum, then we're gonnae get independence,
0:08:43 > 0:08:46then we never have to see another Tory face in my country.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
0:08:51 > 0:08:54But the best Brexit protest so far, I think, has to be
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Martina Anderson, the Sinn Fein MEP who went to the parliament,
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Martina gave them a rendition of The Men Behind The Wire.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03As you do...
0:09:03 > 0:09:05I didn't see this!
0:09:05 > 0:09:09Martina Anderson said... "British pigs couldn't give us a border,"
0:09:09 > 0:09:14and then she said, "Theresa, you can stick your border where the sun don't shine."
0:09:14 > 0:09:16And I thought to myself, that is not going to work.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19How can you have the border in Portrush?
0:09:19 > 0:09:23APPLAUSE Didn't you hear that?
0:09:23 > 0:09:26Do you know who I feel sorry for? Your man, Robin Swann.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Oh, the new leader of the Ulster Unionist Party, Robin...
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Yeah, but he's only in ten days.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Ten days in the job and now he has to do a general election.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Like, if you change your mobile phone contract,
0:09:37 > 0:09:38you get 14 days to change your mind.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44I feel sorry for Jeremy Corbyn because he was really ill-prepared
0:09:44 > 0:09:48for this election coming up on Theresa May's calendar
0:09:48 > 0:09:51because he's never really been the most forceful of guys.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55I know that Theresa May is refusing to take part in any of the debates
0:09:55 > 0:09:57and I... I mean...
0:09:57 > 0:10:02How scared must you be to not want to argue with Jeremy Corbyn?
0:10:02 > 0:10:04I mean, I'm a Glaswegian woman.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07I could stare him out on a street, you know what I mean?
0:10:07 > 0:10:10I could see him in the distance just going round a corner and go...
0:10:11 > 0:10:14..and he'd be like, "I've changed my mind", and just run.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17A lot of women find Jeremy Corbyn very sexually attractive, you know?
0:10:17 > 0:10:21- Mature man, grey-haired... - Why, because he's grey-haired? - Grey beard... Mm.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23What's not to like, you know?
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Quite a lot.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Thank you. Thank you very much for that.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37So what is our next question tonight?
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Who do you blame for United Airlines?
0:10:39 > 0:10:43Yes, a doctor was physically dragged off a United Airlines flight.
0:10:43 > 0:10:47He suffered concussion, bruising and the loss of two teeth.
0:10:47 > 0:10:48You think that's bad?
0:10:48 > 0:10:51On a flight to London I once had to sit beside Gregory Campbell.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56While the doctor was being physically dragged down the aisle
0:10:56 > 0:10:59of the plane, he was clearly in distress, so his fellow passengers
0:10:59 > 0:11:01immediately leapt into action
0:11:01 > 0:11:03and set their phones to video.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08A PSNI officer who saw the footage said it was absolutely disgraceful
0:11:08 > 0:11:10and said you should never, ever assault someone
0:11:10 > 0:11:11in front of witnesses.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17But who can we blame for United Airlines?
0:11:19 > 0:11:24I think that you can easily blame anybody rowing about somebody
0:11:24 > 0:11:26when you're dead... I've done it myself, Tim.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29I've been on a flight and you know yourself,
0:11:29 > 0:11:31you've sat there and you put your armrest down
0:11:31 > 0:11:35and then some man's went, "That's also my armrest as well",
0:11:35 > 0:11:39and then you've had to have quite a quiet staring competition
0:11:39 > 0:11:42where you just go, "Really? Really?"
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Elbow him in the chest, get your armrest,
0:11:44 > 0:11:47set out your territory, set your stall out,
0:11:47 > 0:11:49punch him in the face, just go, "I'm sorry, it's my hormones."
0:11:49 > 0:11:52That's not done. Sit down quietly, open a book,
0:11:52 > 0:11:55read it, and then behind you, as what happened to me,
0:11:55 > 0:11:58it's a bunch of Glaswegians were all going on their holidays,
0:11:58 > 0:12:00you know the young kids, and they were all like...
0:12:00 > 0:12:02HIGH-PITCHED SCREECHING
0:12:02 > 0:12:05"And the Snapchat and the Twitter!" And they were all stood up
0:12:05 > 0:12:07and screaming and I thought,
0:12:07 > 0:12:12"You know what? I'm gonnae have to deal with this because the staff aren't dealing with it."
0:12:12 > 0:12:15So I stood up and turned round and went, "Sit down, you bunch of dicks!
0:12:15 > 0:12:16"If I have to come up here..."
0:12:16 > 0:12:20The smell of chlamydia and Lynx Africa would have killed you,
0:12:20 > 0:12:24and they're all just standing in the aisle and nobody would do what they were told,
0:12:24 > 0:12:26so it's my job now to fix this, because I'm a Glaswegian
0:12:26 > 0:12:30and it's my job to fix every crowd that goes wrong, so I get up
0:12:30 > 0:12:34and I scream, "Sit down or I'm gonnae come up there and stab you!"
0:12:34 > 0:12:37And I ruined everybody's holiday, everybody sat down quietly
0:12:37 > 0:12:40and I'm still standing, I had foam here and here.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42My tits were roasting, I was dead angry.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46I'm still screaming and then the staff came down and went,
0:12:46 > 0:12:47"Could you please sit down?"
0:12:47 > 0:12:51And I realised that I was actually the lunatic on the plane.
0:12:51 > 0:12:55And I had literally felt like dragging three people off
0:12:55 > 0:12:56with their hair. I did.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59You guys must've... Yous must have done that.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01You've travelled. You're comics.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03You must have sat on a plane, wanted a wee bit of P and Q,
0:13:03 > 0:13:06and some eejit has started with their...
0:13:06 > 0:13:08And you know what I don't get? Look at this face.
0:13:08 > 0:13:12Does this face say, there's a woman that wants a chitchat?
0:13:13 > 0:13:15LAUGHTER
0:13:16 > 0:13:21The worst thing that ever happened on a flight is my daughter finally got me back for all the teasing,
0:13:21 > 0:13:24and to this day, and you would think nothing would embarrass me,
0:13:24 > 0:13:27my God, we were flying to New Zealand to do the comedy festival
0:13:27 > 0:13:30and these guys came on and they were a cycling team
0:13:30 > 0:13:32and they had on the tight Lycra with the bums right there
0:13:32 > 0:13:36and Ashley was here and I was here and I was busying about
0:13:36 > 0:13:38and the guy went to put his bag up in the locker.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41She took my hand and stuck it right on his bum.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43I was not prepared for it and the guy turned and she let go
0:13:43 > 0:13:45and I was like...
0:13:45 > 0:13:47And Ashley went, "Mum...
0:13:47 > 0:13:48"You said you'd stop this."
0:13:53 > 0:13:55It was horrible.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57APPLAUSE
0:13:59 > 0:14:02Of all airlines in the world, the one airline that has got it sorted,
0:14:02 > 0:14:05all of this behaviour, is Aer Lingus, right?
0:14:05 > 0:14:06Because Aer Lingus,
0:14:06 > 0:14:11long haul flights always have an older cabin crew who...
0:14:11 > 0:14:15And it's basically the mammy on the plane and she's got the cardigan
0:14:15 > 0:14:18and she's very efficient and very, "Morning, morning",
0:14:18 > 0:14:21very nice, but as soon as anybody does anything out of the ordinary...
0:14:21 > 0:14:23"Enough of that." And that's all she does.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25I was on a plane, seriously, and there were a couple of boys,
0:14:25 > 0:14:28just a bit sort of, "Wahey!" And she just went on,
0:14:28 > 0:14:30she went, "Morning, morning. Breakfast, breakfast...
0:14:30 > 0:14:32"You're getting nothin'!
0:14:32 > 0:14:34"Till you behave yourself!"
0:14:34 > 0:14:36And then walked on. And the two of them were like lambs.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39I was on an Aer Lingus plane where I actually had something there
0:14:39 > 0:14:42and she spat on a hanky and wiped it off my face.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Your man said, the guy who was thrown off the plane,
0:14:46 > 0:14:49- who's a doctor...- Dr Dao. - Yeah, Vietnamese doctor,
0:14:49 > 0:14:51and he said, he lived through the Vietnam War
0:14:51 > 0:14:54and he said it was worse than the Vietnam war, more terrifying than the Vietnam war.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57And you're going, "Really?" Do you think he's going to have flashbacks to this?
0:14:57 > 0:14:59He'll be lying in bed and go...
0:14:59 > 0:15:00"Chicken or fish? Chicken or fish?"
0:15:00 > 0:15:02HE GASPS
0:15:02 > 0:15:05"Oh, my God! I had the worst dream ever. They had no red wine."
0:15:05 > 0:15:08- That's called having a good lawyer. - The cabin crew missed something.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11- That's having a good lawyer to tell him that. Sorry?- The cabin crew missed an opportunity
0:15:11 > 0:15:13because when that guy got pulled off the plane
0:15:13 > 0:15:15a lot of people on the plane don't know what's going on,
0:15:15 > 0:15:17so you have an opportunity there.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19if I was cabin crew, I'd just get the intercom
0:15:19 > 0:15:24and just go, "You'll all take off your headphones when I'm doing the safety announcement NOW, won't you?"
0:15:24 > 0:15:27No, see, if I had been him being dragged off the plane,
0:15:27 > 0:15:30what I would have said is, "Right, well, I'm going to leave the bomb here, then!"
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Everybody would be off that plane.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Because that's exactly what happened.
0:15:36 > 0:15:37People were filming the thing.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Because that's people's first reaction now.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42And this guy, they'd made repeated attempts to get him to leave,
0:15:42 > 0:15:46which he shouldn't have done because he'd bought a ticket, why the hell should he leave?
0:15:46 > 0:15:49And he made repeated attempts to stay where he was. They said no.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52It went on and on and on, and then all of a sudden
0:15:52 > 0:15:55it escalated and, you know, any normal, decent human being,
0:15:55 > 0:15:58I genuinely think if this had been here, there would have been somebody
0:15:58 > 0:16:00that would have stood up and went, "Oh, for... Right!
0:16:00 > 0:16:02"They can have my seat. I'll wait for the next one.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05"Leave the man alone, for Christ's sake! I'm trying to get home."
0:16:05 > 0:16:07You know, it would be normal, sensible behaviour,
0:16:07 > 0:16:14instead of the Americans going, "Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!"
0:16:14 > 0:16:16"Oh, my Go-o-od!
0:16:16 > 0:16:18"Chicken, please."
0:16:18 > 0:16:21That's all they did. It was horrendous.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23APPLAUSE
0:16:26 > 0:16:30- They poisoned me.- Who? - United Airlines.
0:16:30 > 0:16:34- I asked for a coeliac-free meal and they gave me gluten.- Hold on, whoa.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37- That's where you went wrong, asking for a coeliac-free meal. - Gluten-free!
0:16:37 > 0:16:39But they gave me whatever it was, gluten-free meal
0:16:39 > 0:16:41and they gave me gluten and...
0:16:41 > 0:16:45- You're gluten-intolerant, just to be clear for the people who don't care...- Very sick, very sick.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47See, when I was a kid, in Glasgow, see, nobody...
0:16:47 > 0:16:50We didnae have any children that were born with nut allergies
0:16:50 > 0:16:53or gluten problems or milk intolerance.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56See if there was, we let them die cos they were inconvenient.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02What, a child in Glasgow that cannae eat bread?
0:17:02 > 0:17:05"No, Margaret, just leave it out in the hills, see what happens."
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Belfast was buzzing last week as word spread that Hollywood superstar
0:17:11 > 0:17:15Morgan Freeman was wandering around the city looking for somewhere
0:17:15 > 0:17:17to shoot his next blockbuster movie,
0:17:17 > 0:17:18and Cookstown was buzzing today
0:17:18 > 0:17:24as word spread that Jake O'Kane was wandering around town looking for somewhere to buy a gluten-free bun.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29So what's our next question tonight?
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Our next question is, who do you blame for know-it-alls?
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Yes, a student from Cookstown
0:17:34 > 0:17:37made it to the final of University Challenge.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40Sadly, however, there were absolutely no questions
0:17:40 > 0:17:42about sausages, so he wasn't much use.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Paul Cosgrove is studying at Cambridge University for
0:17:46 > 0:17:51a PhD in nuclear reactor physics and we hope it goes well for you, Paul.
0:17:51 > 0:17:55Just remember, there's always a job for you in the Blue Circle cement factory.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00Paul's hobbies are swimming, drinking,
0:18:00 > 0:18:02coding and doing his PhD.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05Exactly like me, apart from the swimming, coding and PhD stuff.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09But who can we blame for know-it-alls?
0:18:09 > 0:18:14I was following the whole of University Challenge. I'm a big fan.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17And he was on Monkman's team.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Monkman has become this sort of internet phenomenon.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22He's a Canadian, incredibly intelligent,
0:18:22 > 0:18:24weird-looking Canadian guy who's very intense
0:18:24 > 0:18:28and when he answers a question, he's very aggressive about his answers,
0:18:28 > 0:18:31even though the answer might not be an aggressive thing, like,
0:18:31 > 0:18:34he actually buzzed in and went, "Tranquillity!" That just sort of...
0:18:35 > 0:18:37He's very aggressive.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40And Cosgrove was his right-hand man, or his left-arm man.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43He was great, he was really... I was very impressed.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Didn't realise he was from Cookstown, actually,
0:18:45 > 0:18:49until about the semifinal when he said, "I'm Cosgrove, from Cookstown"
0:18:49 > 0:18:53and I went, "Holy..." And he's doing a PhD in physics.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55His sister goes to Cambridge as well, right? Two of them.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58You've got two of them in the family! There's only two of them.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Now, this was reported in the local paper, right,
0:19:00 > 0:19:03in the Tyrone Citizen, right?
0:19:03 > 0:19:07- No, Tyrone... What's the name of the...- AUDIENCE: Courier!- Courier!
0:19:07 > 0:19:10- That's the one.- Imagine not knowing that, Colin! God! I know!
0:19:11 > 0:19:14But it was reported, the whole story about Paul Cosgrove
0:19:14 > 0:19:16and his sister goes to the thing as well,
0:19:16 > 0:19:18and there was one comment at the bottom of the story,
0:19:18 > 0:19:20one comment, that's all there was, just one comment,
0:19:20 > 0:19:25and not everyone is as proud of Paul as the rest of us seem to be.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27One outraged Tyrone person said,
0:19:27 > 0:19:32"Screw this guy. What sort of an asshole only has one sibling?"
0:19:32 > 0:19:33That's what he said!
0:19:35 > 0:19:39Somebody sitting at home, "That boy's not from Tyrone, he's only got one sister!
0:19:39 > 0:19:43"You need to five or six people in your family to be from Tyrone, boy."
0:19:43 > 0:19:46And they were going to see it and I was... How many people watched it?
0:19:46 > 0:19:49Because... Did any people watch?
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Nobody watched it! I had visions of people in London and the BBC
0:19:52 > 0:19:57looking at the tremendous spike in interest in University Challenge in Tyrone this year.
0:19:57 > 0:19:58"Marvellous, intelligent people."
0:19:58 > 0:20:01And everybody sat at home going... Did you ever try answering...
0:20:01 > 0:20:02I love University Challenge,
0:20:02 > 0:20:05but the sense of pride you get when you answer anything
0:20:05 > 0:20:07is unbelievable.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09And everybody gets that face, you know the face in Father Ted
0:20:09 > 0:20:12when Mrs Doyle's trying to remember Todd Unctious's name, right?
0:20:12 > 0:20:15And when she actually remembers his name and she goes, "Todd Unctious"
0:20:15 > 0:20:17and then he goes, "Yeah", and she goes...
0:20:17 > 0:20:20That's the face that everyone pulls when they get something right.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22"Would it be blue?" "Blue."
0:20:22 > 0:20:24"Mm-hmm!"
0:20:24 > 0:20:27And everyone else in your sitting room goes, "Ooooh!"
0:20:27 > 0:20:28That's the way it happens.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30And I had visions of people in Tyrone watching this,
0:20:30 > 0:20:33because you know, people have misconceptions about people from
0:20:33 > 0:20:36certain parts of the world and a misconception of people from Tyrone
0:20:36 > 0:20:40might be that they're all just interested in Cookstown sausages
0:20:40 > 0:20:42and Moy Park chicken and...
0:20:42 > 0:20:44"ga".
0:20:44 > 0:20:47And only three of those things are right.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50But people from Tyrone watching that, sitting at home, going,
0:20:50 > 0:20:53"Is it Pericles? The answer's Pericles!"
0:20:53 > 0:20:55"Pi to the power of 42. 42!
0:20:55 > 0:20:58"Jesus Christ, Monkman! Are you listening to me at all?"
0:20:58 > 0:21:02"Fibonacci sequence, I'm telling you, it's the fuckin' Fibonacci sequence.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04"Stick on the kettle, this hoor knows nothing." It's just...
0:21:06 > 0:21:08But his reaction to it, he was asked about it,
0:21:08 > 0:21:12how he felt about being involved in the final of University challenge
0:21:12 > 0:21:16and I think this is a peculiarly, genuinely,
0:21:16 > 0:21:18I do think this is a peculiarly Tyrone thing.
0:21:18 > 0:21:19There's an understatement here.
0:21:19 > 0:21:23You can't get above yourself here, right? I'm convinced of this.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26I've played here many times and the idea that people go,
0:21:26 > 0:21:28because there is that sort of...
0:21:28 > 0:21:30A farmer here would never admit that they'd won the lottery,
0:21:30 > 0:21:33for instance, know what I mean? Everybody would know he's won it
0:21:33 > 0:21:35and you'd go up to him and go, "How you doing?"
0:21:35 > 0:21:37"Oh, not so bad, you know."
0:21:39 > 0:21:44"Just as long as you have your health, that's the main thing, isn't it, aye?" Do you know?
0:21:44 > 0:21:46So his...
0:21:46 > 0:21:48APPLAUSE
0:21:49 > 0:21:51There's another one. There was a cattle dealer.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53This is a couple of years ago. The case was this year
0:21:53 > 0:21:56but there was a cattle dealer and he was kidnapped, right,
0:21:56 > 0:21:57and held captive in Omagh.
0:21:57 > 0:22:01You think being kidnapped isn't bad enough - held captive in Omagh.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06And they demanded 400 grand from his father, so they rang his dad,
0:22:06 > 0:22:07right, and said,
0:22:07 > 0:22:10"We want 400 grand or we're going to cut your son's fingers off",
0:22:10 > 0:22:15and genuinely, this is what the dad said to the kidnappers.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18He said, "Cut away."
0:22:18 > 0:22:21That's what he said, and hung up.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23- I like that.- That's here. This is here.
0:22:23 > 0:22:27This is them. That's what they're like.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29- "Cut away."- They've a quiet confidence, quiet confidence.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Dan O'Neill. Is there any O'Neills in?
0:22:31 > 0:22:34Dan O'Neill, he's a clan O'Neill and they went to Rome recently,
0:22:34 > 0:22:36the front of the paper, local paper,
0:22:36 > 0:22:39and he got brought up to the front, the Pope was there - did you see it?
0:22:39 > 0:22:42To meet the Pope and he was having a wee bit of a laugh with the Pope
0:22:42 > 0:22:44and the Pope took his wee hat off
0:22:44 > 0:22:46and put it on Dan's head and says, "That suits you."
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Now, anybody else would melt. They'd be going...
0:22:48 > 0:22:50HE STAMMERS
0:22:50 > 0:22:52Dan... "Bless you, father."
0:22:53 > 0:22:56APPLAUSE
0:23:00 > 0:23:03Fair play to Dan. Dan's the man. Dan's the man.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05We are in the home of the Cookstown sizzle, of course,
0:23:05 > 0:23:08- the famous sausages.- Sausage. Oh!- We have great sausages here.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11- Geordie Best used to advertise them a long time ago.- I like the idea.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14- George Best advertised a sausage? - Aye.
0:23:14 > 0:23:15Hang on a minute,
0:23:15 > 0:23:18did he just go on telly and hold, like, a big link sausage like that?
0:23:18 > 0:23:20- Basically.- On the end of a fork, yeah.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22And why did nobody ever tell me this before?
0:23:22 > 0:23:24That's the funniest, sexiest thing ever,
0:23:24 > 0:23:28just a man with a big giant sausage going, "Eat a sausage."
0:23:28 > 0:23:29And yous kept this a secret
0:23:29 > 0:23:32and you told me that shit about University Challenge!
0:23:35 > 0:23:36This is understated here.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39Just, "What are we going to do to sell Cookstown sausages?"
0:23:39 > 0:23:41And they got some, probably some big ad executive in from Dublin
0:23:41 > 0:23:44or Belfast, "We've got a great idea, were going to do this,
0:23:44 > 0:23:47"going to do that, there's going to be explosions, going to be amazing, fantastic"
0:23:47 > 0:23:50and then a boy goes, "Should we not get a footballer just to hold a sausage?"
0:23:50 > 0:23:53That is brilliant! That wouldn't work in Glasgow.
0:23:53 > 0:23:54I mean, we have square sausage.
0:23:54 > 0:23:59Imagine Jimmy Johnson just standing with a square of meat going, "Yay."
0:24:00 > 0:24:02- Square sausage. - Square sausage?- Why not?
0:24:02 > 0:24:05- You can't have a square sausage. - It has to fit in the bread. Why?
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Why would you have a big thing that's long and roly-poly...
0:24:07 > 0:24:10- Because that's a sausage! - No, that's not!
0:24:10 > 0:24:12A sausage is! It's not a square!
0:24:12 > 0:24:15You would have to suggest that all other sausages in the world are in this sausage shape,
0:24:15 > 0:24:18- that's why it's a sausage.- No!
0:24:18 > 0:24:21A square sausage is what we have in Scotland and it fits on the bread
0:24:21 > 0:24:24and maybe I might have some Asperger's thing
0:24:24 > 0:24:26but I like the idea that...
0:24:26 > 0:24:29A square sausage! And you people want independence?
0:24:32 > 0:24:34I'll tell you what was missed here.
0:24:34 > 0:24:35It is a centre of education here,
0:24:35 > 0:24:38no wonder the man was on University Challenge,
0:24:38 > 0:24:40is the police training college.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Oh, yeah, Desertcreat, PSNI training college.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Missed opportunity? Not here.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47There was an article yesterday, I think it was, in the paper
0:24:47 > 0:24:52about words that police recruits are being told you can and cannot use.
0:24:52 > 0:24:56- Sausage?- Square sausage was not on the list.- OK, just checking.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58It was terms that you should or shouldn't use when dealing
0:24:58 > 0:25:00with members of the public.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03With members of the Catholic, nationalist community and
0:25:03 > 0:25:07the Protestant, loyalist community, these were unacceptable terms.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Now, these had to be told and explained to the cops, right?
0:25:10 > 0:25:12"When taking statements, do not use the words
0:25:12 > 0:25:16"chuckie, Fenian, taig, Tim, Mick, Paddy...
0:25:16 > 0:25:18"Free Stater or sponger."
0:25:20 > 0:25:23That sounds like my in-laws are here.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Acceptable terms were "Catholic."
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Unacceptable terms for a Protestant or a Presbyterian were
0:25:31 > 0:25:35"Hun, black man, Prod, orangey...
0:25:35 > 0:25:39"Jaffa, bluenose, snout and flag hag."
0:25:39 > 0:25:42- This just...- Flag hag?
0:25:42 > 0:25:46You told me earlier that you would be very offended by the word Fenian.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49Yeah, in Glasgow you can't say the word Fenian. It's like a really...
0:25:49 > 0:25:52- You wrote a very rude word on a piece of lino!- I know! I know.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54- Trump wasn't a Fenian, though.- Yeah.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59- He is.- Well, he's certainly orange.
0:26:02 > 0:26:03Um...
0:26:03 > 0:26:05The word Fenian in Glasgow is...
0:26:05 > 0:26:08My daughter was christened a Catholic
0:26:08 > 0:26:11and she gets called a Fenian quite a lot and she tells everybody
0:26:11 > 0:26:14that her mum's Protestant, her dad's Catholic,
0:26:14 > 0:26:17so technically she's a Fenian Hun, which is Fun for short.
0:26:20 > 0:26:25She'll be raging I stole her joke, but yet again, she hurt me in 1986.
0:26:26 > 0:26:30But the word Fenian is very, very offensive in Glasgow
0:26:30 > 0:26:33if you shout it at people and I had to explain that
0:26:33 > 0:26:37it's not an offensive word but you cannot say it.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39If I go up... You know what I'll do?
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Next time I'm in Glasgow, I'll live stream it
0:26:41 > 0:26:42and I'll show the word Fenian
0:26:42 > 0:26:44and you can all watch and see people going...
0:26:46 > 0:26:49"Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!"
0:26:50 > 0:26:52APPLAUSE
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Thank you for that. Just time for a quickfire round.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57I will read you various newspaper headlines and I want you to be
0:26:57 > 0:27:01faster than the PSNI building a training college in Cookstown.
0:27:05 > 0:27:09Muttering to himself, "Damn, I thought Shawshank was depressing."
0:27:13 > 0:27:14Ah, she'll bounce back.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25Has been re-routed by Parades Commission.
0:27:32 > 0:27:33And doubled her weight.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Or Tim McGarry's guide to foreplay.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:50 > 0:27:52Renee Zellweger regrets latest surgery.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58In the Assembly.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04Not if you're a Vietnamese doctor, you're not.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06APPLAUSE
0:28:10 > 0:28:11And finally...
0:28:13 > 0:28:15Surgeon undermines Renee Zellweger.
0:28:17 > 0:28:20That's it, ladies and gentlemen, that's the end of the show.
0:28:20 > 0:28:22Thank you so much to the Burnavon Theatre in Cookstown
0:28:22 > 0:28:25for your hospitality. Please show your appreciation to our panel,
0:28:25 > 0:28:29Colin Murphy, Janey Godley, Jake O'Kane and Neil Delamere!
0:28:29 > 0:28:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:34 > 0:28:36I'm...
0:28:36 > 0:28:38I'm Tim McGarry. Until next week,
0:28:38 > 0:28:41don't blame yourselves, blame each other. Goodbye.