0:00:21 > 0:00:23CHEERING
0:00:34 > 0:00:35Hello.
0:00:35 > 0:00:39Hello, hello, and welcome, welcome, welcome.
0:00:39 > 0:00:43Or, if Arlene Foster is watching, cead mile failte.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48Yes, Arlene is watching, she's at home right now feeding a crocodile.
0:00:50 > 0:00:51Yes, welcome to The Blame Game,
0:00:51 > 0:00:56the show with more laugh-out-louds than a West Ham United tax return.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58GROANS
0:01:00 > 0:01:03You're booing that? Oh, this is going to be an easy show(!)
0:01:03 > 0:01:06I'm Tim McGarry and our regular panellists are, of course,
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Colin Murphy, Jake O'Kane and Neil Delamere.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12APPLAUSE
0:01:17 > 0:01:20And our special guest tonight is a brilliant local comedian who's done
0:01:20 > 0:01:23gigs all over Northern Ireland and at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25He's also a former yo-yo champion.
0:01:25 > 0:01:29His career so far has been up and then down...
0:01:29 > 0:01:31and now it's back up again.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the fabulous Terry McHugh.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37APPLAUSE
0:01:42 > 0:01:44That's our panel, now on with the show.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46The audience ask the questions and our panel provides some very
0:01:46 > 0:01:50unreliable answers. So, what did you, the audience, ask us tonight?
0:01:50 > 0:01:54Who is to blame for the non-alcoholic refreshments in reception?
0:01:56 > 0:01:57LAUGHTER
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Your BBC.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02Who's to blame for every contact on my social media providing
0:02:02 > 0:02:04a weather update?
0:02:04 > 0:02:06I have windows.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08That's not Barra Best, is it?
0:02:11 > 0:02:13So, what is our first question tonight?
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Who do you blame for unusual matches?
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Yes, Rory McIlroy got married last week.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21The Belfast Telegraph said the wedding was
0:02:21 > 0:02:25a who's who of Irish sport, which is of course completely wrong as
0:02:25 > 0:02:28Jackie Fullerton didn't get an invite...
0:02:28 > 0:02:30and golf isn't a sport.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32LAUGHTER
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Security at the wedding was incredibly tight,
0:02:38 > 0:02:41not to keep out the paparazzi but mainly to stop
0:02:41 > 0:02:44BBC Sport presenter Stephen Watson from doing live updates from
0:02:44 > 0:02:46the marital bedroom.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49Musical genius Stevie Wonder played at the wedding.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51If you're planning your own wedding,
0:02:51 > 0:02:55I can tell you it costs £500,000 to hire Stevie Wonder.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58But Hugo Duncan will do it for 500 quid and a dozen cream buns.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04But who can we blame for unusual matches?
0:03:04 > 0:03:08Yeah, Rory McIlroy got married in Cong in County Mayo and,
0:03:08 > 0:03:10as you said, Stevie Wonder was the entertainment.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Which is brilliant, because I saw Stevie Wonder years ago in
0:03:12 > 0:03:15London and he was amazing and I haven't seen him since.
0:03:15 > 0:03:16And vice versa, I suppose.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25I kind of hope he got a big fee, rather than a spliff from the door.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29"How many people are here?" "12 or 13, Stevie."
0:03:29 > 0:03:31And...
0:03:31 > 0:03:35Erica, his lady wife, Rory McIlroy's lady wife,
0:03:35 > 0:03:38is American, and so all the wine, apparently, was American
0:03:38 > 0:03:40but all the food was Irish so it's this
0:03:40 > 0:03:43bizarre fusion of Irish and American. And G-Mac
0:03:43 > 0:03:46wasn't there, apparently, which is a shame because, of all the people
0:03:46 > 0:03:48whose accent is a bizarre mix and fusion...
0:03:48 > 0:03:51of everything Irish and America, it's him.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53But there was a lot of other people who had loads of craic there.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Like, Shane Lowry said he didn't go to it but we don't know.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59Padraig Harrington is a bit of craic, he doesn't get on with Sergio Garcia. He was at it.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01So it was a proper Irish wedding.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03It must have been bizarre with all those Americans going,
0:04:03 > 0:04:06"This is the most magical day of my life!" And all the culchies
0:04:06 > 0:04:09going, "Yeah, but Stevie Wonder's going to play Rock The Boat
0:04:09 > 0:04:11"at about half eleven, it's going to be brilliant. Whoo-hoo!"
0:04:11 > 0:04:14Cocktail sausages would have come out at 12 o'clock.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Like, there's no way they didn't get buckled and Skype
0:04:16 > 0:04:19Tiger Woods at four o'clock in the morning. There's no way.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22They were all, "Hello, Tiger. We're at a wedding.
0:04:22 > 0:04:26"Weddings are very expensive. Not as expensive as divorces. Ha-ha-ha!"
0:04:26 > 0:04:29LAUGHTER
0:04:29 > 0:04:32"You would have loved the falconry we did on Thursday.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34"It's where a bird you've never met before lands on your arm
0:04:34 > 0:04:37"but she doesn't ring the papers."
0:04:37 > 0:04:40Do you know who's not going to get married in the next
0:04:40 > 0:04:44while here? Gay people. If Jim Wells has anything to say about it.
0:04:45 > 0:04:46Jim Wells said this week,
0:04:46 > 0:04:50"Peter and Paul will not get married in Northern Ireland."
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Yes, even though, according to a pie chart I saw,
0:04:53 > 0:04:55it's something like between 70% and 80% of people in
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Northern Ireland would vote in favour of equal marriage.
0:04:58 > 0:05:02I think we all know the bakery that isn't making that pie chart.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05APPLAUSE
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Yeah, but Peter and Paul never got along.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15I know Peter and Paul, it's fair enough. I think he's right.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Like, John and Jim have a lovely relationship but Peter and Paul...
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Do you know what would be even funnier? If Jim Wells, when he passes away,
0:05:21 > 0:05:25he goes upstairs and St Peter's standing at the gate...with Paul.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30APPLAUSE
0:05:32 > 0:05:36And house music bouncing out from inside.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Oo-uh, oo-uh!
0:05:38 > 0:05:41HE SNORTS
0:05:41 > 0:05:43"You're not coming in!"
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Then he meets God, and God's reading the Irish News.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51Well, you know, there is a bizarre connection.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54- So do you know that June 29th is the rule...- Yes.- Do you know this?
0:05:54 > 0:05:58- Did you look it up?- Yes.- Oh, man. So I looked this up.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01June 29th is the date that Stormont said the negotiations would
0:06:01 > 0:06:03go on till. So I thought, obviously like you, "What is...
0:06:03 > 0:06:06"That's probably a day of something. Is it somebody's birthday?
0:06:06 > 0:06:08"Or is it a feast day or something like this?"
0:06:08 > 0:06:10It is a feast day, it's a Catholic feast day,
0:06:10 > 0:06:13cos every day of the year is some Catholic feast day.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16It's the feast of Peter and Paul. It is.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18APPLAUSE
0:06:18 > 0:06:20I swear to God. Isn't it?
0:06:23 > 0:06:26The one that should be... the woman that should be in the DUP,
0:06:26 > 0:06:30- is your women, the Ukip... - Oh, Gisela...- Gisela... What is it?
0:06:30 > 0:06:31Allen or something.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34But she says she doesn't like gays, she doesn't like gays,
0:06:34 > 0:06:39and she compared gay love to the fact that she gets turned on
0:06:39 > 0:06:41by a gorilla in the zoo.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44When she goes to the zoo, she says her hormones go through...
0:06:44 > 0:06:46You know, she sees the gorilla and... Do you know what I mean?
0:06:46 > 0:06:50Like, has anyone thought of the gorilla? Has anyone considered...?
0:06:50 > 0:06:54You know what I mean? She's going to the zoo, up to the glass, "Hello!"
0:06:54 > 0:06:57HE GRUNTS
0:07:00 > 0:07:02So Rory got married in Ashford...
0:07:02 > 0:07:04I got married in a castle, I got married in Belfast Castle.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07- And you like Belfast Castle. - I love Belfast Castle.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10I spent my formative teenage years round Belfast Castle.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13- Sniffing glue.- It wasn't sniffing glue, I couldn't afford glue.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17Seriously, we'd be sitting up there and you'd be looking over
0:07:17 > 0:07:19the lights of Belfast and you'd be thinking,
0:07:19 > 0:07:22"God, I can't wait till I'm old enough to go drink in a pub."
0:07:24 > 0:07:27Now, on a Saturday night, you'll find me in the pub wishing I was
0:07:27 > 0:07:29young enough to drink up the Cavehill.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32But Rory should have got married in Northern Ireland.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Rory is a great ambassador for Northern Ireland and
0:07:34 > 0:07:36he took himself off down south with all his celebrity mates and
0:07:36 > 0:07:39he should've got married up here and he should've done it in Belfast Castle.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41Belfast Castle isn't a castle, it's a big house.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44The number of tourists I see up there and they're going,
0:07:44 > 0:07:46"We looking for castle." I'm going, "It's not a castle, it's a
0:07:46 > 0:07:50"big house, there's a couple of turrets, you're going to be disappointed.
0:07:50 > 0:07:54- "On you go. You're going to be disappointed."- The number of tourists I've seen getting on buses,
0:07:54 > 0:07:56"Could you take us to CastleCourt?" They think that's the castle.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58We have our big castle and we have our Cavehill,
0:07:58 > 0:08:02and Rory should have done it. And the other thing with Cavehill is Cavehill is proof, if ever it
0:08:02 > 0:08:05was needed, that people from north Belfast are normal and
0:08:05 > 0:08:07people from west Belfast are, you know...
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Nothing wrong with them, they just think slightly differently.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Seriously, north Belfast, we went there, first settlers,
0:08:13 > 0:08:16we looked up, "What's up there?" "Oh, that's a hill."
0:08:16 > 0:08:20"What's those wee holes in the side of it?" "Oh, those are caves."
0:08:20 > 0:08:22"Right, we shall call this place Cavehill."
0:08:22 > 0:08:25West Belfast, same conversation. "What's that?" "It's a hill."
0:08:25 > 0:08:29"What colour do you think it is?" "Green." "Black mountain."
0:08:29 > 0:08:31LAUGHTER
0:08:37 > 0:08:38Thank you very much for that.
0:08:38 > 0:08:42Yes, indeed, it's true, Ukip candidate Gisela Allen says she is
0:08:42 > 0:08:45sexually attracted to gorillas, and she would castrate violent criminals
0:08:45 > 0:08:47and reintroduce the guillotine.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51Gisela is what's known in Northern Ireland politics as a moderate.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56So, what is our next question tonight?
0:08:56 > 0:09:01Who do you blame for dud deadlines? Yes, there's been an agreement.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Our politicians have agreed that since they can't agree anything,
0:09:04 > 0:09:07they should agree to not agree anything until the new agreed time.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12So the talks deadline has been extended to June 29th,
0:09:12 > 0:09:15which is good news, because I think we can all agree that people
0:09:15 > 0:09:18in Northern Ireland become far more reasonable and conciliatory
0:09:18 > 0:09:20round about July time.
0:09:23 > 0:09:28There was much talk of election pacts this week but things went badly.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Ulster Unionist Party leader Robin Swann accused the DUP of arrogance.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33You can tell he's new to politics here.
0:09:35 > 0:09:39But who can we blame for dud deadlines?
0:09:39 > 0:09:43It's convenient because the first wee deadline they had was last month
0:09:43 > 0:09:47and then they broke that, but that took them up to the Easter holidays.
0:09:47 > 0:09:48Nice, into the Easter holidays,
0:09:48 > 0:09:51and then this wee deadline will take them right up to
0:09:51 > 0:09:53their summer holidays. Isn't that lovely?
0:09:53 > 0:09:56And yet wee Brokeback Mountain... You know the wee Secretary of State,
0:09:56 > 0:09:57Brokeback Mountain?
0:10:00 > 0:10:02He's decided to jump in
0:10:02 > 0:10:05and he's decided to take 50 million quid out of our schools and
0:10:05 > 0:10:07he thinks, "I've got an idea.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10"Why don't you go up to the white elephant that's called
0:10:10 > 0:10:13"the Assembly and take those bunch of idiotic, imbecilic,
0:10:13 > 0:10:15"half-witted, bigoted, inbred waste-of-sperms and chuck them
0:10:15 > 0:10:18"on the dole and keep the 50 million. That'd be nice, wouldn't it?"
0:10:18 > 0:10:21APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:10:24 > 0:10:28And Arlene has softened because she did meet Irish speakers.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30She did, she met Irish speakers.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33Now, what she didn't tell anybody was, she spoke Ulster Scots to them
0:10:33 > 0:10:36when she met them. But it was a nice wee thing. I think...
0:10:36 > 0:10:39They were fined £1,000.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Was it £1,000 they got fined? DUP were fined.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44Because they didn't inform the electoral commission that
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Arlene was the leader.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50That's the last time they get Ian Paisley Jr to deliver
0:10:50 > 0:10:51a letter, I'll tell you.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56The real election is the French election.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58I'm not interested in the one here.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01- You take a deep interest in French politics, do you?- I do, I do.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03Your wee man's good, what do you call him? What do you call him?
0:11:05 > 0:11:07"What do you call that wee French fella? Aye."
0:11:08 > 0:11:11I've been calling him Macaroni all week. He's good.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13- He married his teacher. - He did, yeah.
0:11:13 > 0:11:1525 years older than him.
0:11:15 > 0:11:19Like, I liked my teacher at school, and there's 25 years between us,
0:11:19 > 0:11:22but I was never going to marry Brother Murphy.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28But it's nice...
0:11:29 > 0:11:31It's kind of French.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Because, in French, that sort of thing, an older partner is called
0:11:34 > 0:11:37- la...l'amour des jeunes. - See what he did there?
0:11:37 > 0:11:42And in Northern Ireland it's called doing an Iris Robinson.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Ooh-ooh!
0:11:50 > 0:11:53- Can I just say, by the way - the election here, it's pointless.- Why?
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Completely pointless because, for a bit of craic,
0:11:56 > 0:11:58the Russians are going to just hack it.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01Like, they hacked the American elections, the Russians...
0:12:01 > 0:12:05Vladimir Putin is in Moscow talking to the lads in
0:12:05 > 0:12:08the KGB going, "Who do you fancy for South Down?"
0:12:13 > 0:12:17"I like Jim Wells a lot." "But he's not even running."
0:12:17 > 0:12:20"Yeah, but we share the same approach on gay marriage,
0:12:20 > 0:12:23"a lot of ways." "What about East Antrim?" "Sammy Wilson."
0:12:23 > 0:12:26"I like Sammy Wilson. He has tache.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29"He looks like Soviet worker from 1970.
0:12:31 > 0:12:35"I like him. I like him.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37"Oh! You know what else we could do?
0:12:37 > 0:12:40"We could also, for East Antrim, yes, have a bit of a laugh,
0:12:40 > 0:12:43"elect the Sinn-er. Oh, that would be hilarious!
0:12:43 > 0:12:45"Oh, or better still, alliance.
0:12:45 > 0:12:49"No, then they would know we're taking piss. Come on!"
0:12:49 > 0:12:51The anti-Brexit pack thing was never going to work.
0:12:51 > 0:12:52It was never going to work.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55You were going to have Michelle O'Neill, Colum Eastwood,
0:12:55 > 0:12:57and your man, what do you call him? Steven Agnew, sitting in a room.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00You'd have had Michelle and Colum looking at Steven going,
0:13:00 > 0:13:01"I wish he'd brushed his hair."
0:13:01 > 0:13:04You'd have Steven and Michelle looking at Colum going,
0:13:04 > 0:13:06"I wish he'd shaved that beard."
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Then you'd have Steven and Colum looking at Michelle going,
0:13:09 > 0:13:10"Maybe she's up for a pact,
0:13:10 > 0:13:13"but she's talking that bloody fast, I can't figure it out."
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Seriously, that woman speaks so fast, I reckon she's the only
0:13:16 > 0:13:19person in the world who could get 280 characters into a tweet.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24- The dolls, did you see the dolls? - Oh, I love the wee dolls!
0:13:24 > 0:13:25The dolls, I knew you'd see...
0:13:25 > 0:13:27I was ahead of that. I was the first one to do a doll...
0:13:27 > 0:13:29- This doll...- Explain this.
0:13:29 > 0:13:30- There's a lady in...- Scotland.
0:13:30 > 0:13:34..in Scotland, and she's making Oglaigh na hEireann dolls.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36- Cumann na mBan.- Oh, I was close.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38See that Irish, I could never get that.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41- She's making wee... - Get Arlene Foster, she'll teach you.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44She was making dolls, wee berets and all.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47We have a picture. Do you want to see the doll?
0:13:47 > 0:13:50She's selling them for a fortune. £100.
0:13:50 > 0:13:51100 quid.
0:13:51 > 0:13:57I don't know if they've got names like Barbie, like Barbara and Kian.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Shane or Cindy. Shindy.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02He had a better idea. What was it you said?
0:14:02 > 0:14:04What she done wrong was that she only really appealed
0:14:04 > 0:14:07to one side of the market.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10You know, they're wee Provo dolls, like, you know, Bride of Chucky.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18All that woman had to do... 100 quid a pop she's selling these things at.
0:14:18 > 0:14:22All she had to do was sell them with wee interchangeable flags.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Which I believe you have some of.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33The thing is, the Barbie doll thing I think is perfect,
0:14:33 > 0:14:35because Barbie changes her job on a whim,
0:14:35 > 0:14:37you know, just like our politicians.
0:14:37 > 0:14:41They go from freedom fighter to terrorist to jailbird to politician.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44But, you know, you could have had accessories.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46You could have had Barbie Dream Safehouse.
0:14:46 > 0:14:47Yes.
0:14:51 > 0:14:52Barbie's H Block.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56You have a 1980s Gerry Kelly doll,
0:14:56 > 0:15:00you don't even have to take it out of the box, it just escapes itself.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08It also fits on the bonnet of the car.
0:15:08 > 0:15:12It's a 1980s - you pull a string and someone else's voice comes out.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Thank you. Thank you very much for that.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Yes, indeed, a woman in Scotland has been making dolls
0:15:19 > 0:15:21of female IRA figures.
0:15:21 > 0:15:22Of course, because it's the IRA,
0:15:22 > 0:15:26many of the dolls have already been infiltrated by Action Man.
0:15:29 > 0:15:30So, what is our next question tonight?
0:15:30 > 0:15:34Who do you blame for back-seat drivers?
0:15:34 > 0:15:38Yes, footage of three cows being driven through Newry on the
0:15:38 > 0:15:41back seat of a Landcruiser went viral this week.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44Good old Northern Ireland - the only place in the world where you
0:15:44 > 0:15:46can see a cow on the back of a car,
0:15:46 > 0:15:48but you'll struggle to find one in a beef lasagne.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55In India, of course, the cow is sacred.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57In Newry, cows are magical,
0:15:57 > 0:16:00because they can be one side of the border and then magically appear on
0:16:00 > 0:16:06the other side, and then back again, depending where the best grants are.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09But who can we blame for back-seat drivers?
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Before I answer that, I think there's something...
0:16:12 > 0:16:15Something yous all need to know, I'm from a mixed marriage.
0:16:16 > 0:16:20I'm from north Belfast. She's a culchie.
0:16:20 > 0:16:25We've got three kids, all three of whom are being raised culchie.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Which I was dead against.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29I was dead against it, but Mrs McHugh came along, and she says,
0:16:29 > 0:16:31"I'm from Tyrone, we're going to live there."
0:16:31 > 0:16:35I just done what I was told. The woman plays camogie.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37She tells you what to do, you do it.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39The lads said to me when I said I was moving to Tyrone,
0:16:39 > 0:16:41"Put the foot down on her, will you? Put the foot down."
0:16:41 > 0:16:46I was like, "Lads, I put the foot down, she'll snap it off.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48"I don't mean my foot."
0:16:51 > 0:16:53The reason I'm telling you this is basically
0:16:53 > 0:16:56so no-one can e-mail in or tweet and go, "Here we go, here's another
0:16:56 > 0:16:58"Belfast man taking the hand out of the culchies,
0:16:58 > 0:17:00"sure, what would he know?"
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Right, I've lived in Tyrone for 12 years.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04- God bless you.- I know.
0:17:06 > 0:17:11I know. I know things that I never wanted to know.
0:17:11 > 0:17:15I've seen things. I have seen things that I cannot unsee.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19You're like Jane Goodall living amongst the gorillas.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Culchies in the mist.
0:17:29 > 0:17:3112 years I've been...
0:17:31 > 0:17:33I live in a wee place, right, it's just outside Omagh.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36It's seven miles outside Omagh. Between Omagh and Fintona.
0:17:36 > 0:17:40- Wow.- Yeah, exactly. That gives you the idea where we're at.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Belfast, we grew up in Belfast thinking that
0:17:42 > 0:17:46a culchie was somebody who came to school on an Ulster bus.
0:17:51 > 0:17:56No. There is no mobile phone reception and there is no broadband.
0:17:56 > 0:17:57It's made me a bad person.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00You know when you're watching the news and they put one of
0:18:00 > 0:18:03those videos on, the sort of Islamic fundamentalists have put up.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06People watch those on the news and go, "Oh, that's terrible."
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Do you know what I think when I see them?
0:18:08 > 0:18:10"That guy is in a cave in a desert in Syria
0:18:10 > 0:18:13"and he's got a better internet connection than me."
0:18:19 > 0:18:21When Trump got elected, everyone is sitting going,
0:18:21 > 0:18:24"I've got such sympathy for the Americans because they live in
0:18:24 > 0:18:27"a place where Donald Trump can be elected."
0:18:27 > 0:18:29I'm thinking, "Where's my sympathy?
0:18:29 > 0:18:32"I live in Tyrone, a place where Barry McElduff can be elected."
0:18:33 > 0:18:36I went to my father-in-law about this. I said,
0:18:36 > 0:18:37"Did you see the buck eejit in Newry
0:18:37 > 0:18:40"with his three cows in the back of the car?"
0:18:40 > 0:18:43He just looked at me and went, "Sure, what's wrong with that?"
0:18:44 > 0:18:47I do like that you need some guys coming out of a Halfords going,
0:18:47 > 0:18:50"Look, kids, I bought a nodding dog for the back of our car."
0:18:50 > 0:18:54"There's three cows in the back of that one."
0:18:54 > 0:18:56People say you stereotype people from the country...
0:18:56 > 0:18:59It does, it works both ways.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02I was going out with Mrs McHugh for about three months.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04I remember when she introduced me to her mother.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06I could see it, she went, "This is Terry, he's from Belfast."
0:19:06 > 0:19:08The mother, I could see her, she was looking going,
0:19:08 > 0:19:11"You go hide all the valuables.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14"You go buy a stab vest."
0:19:14 > 0:19:15It does, it's both...
0:19:15 > 0:19:18We were in Omagh for a weekend. Mrs McHugh was visiting.
0:19:18 > 0:19:19I'd been kidnapped.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24The phone rang and it was her mother. Her mother didn't like me.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Her mother hated me, basically because I was from Belfast.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29She's going to hate you more after this.
0:19:29 > 0:19:30Don't talk to the woman anyway.
0:19:30 > 0:19:34Was it weird that she was called Mrs McHugh before you married her?
0:19:37 > 0:19:38It's odd.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44That's the only reason she married me, the name.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48She rang her and she said, "Get Terry out of the house immediately.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50"Get him out here now, straightaway."
0:19:50 > 0:19:53I thought, "Great, she's finally realised that I'm a decent fella,
0:19:53 > 0:19:56"she's going to apologise for being nasty to me all this time."
0:19:56 > 0:19:58We got out to the house, out into the rural-ness of it.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01We got to her, and everybody was at their house. Everybody.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04The mother, the father, the four sisters, aunties, uncles.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06The one protestant from down the road,
0:20:06 > 0:20:08he'd come up to see what was going on.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10I got out of the car, "What's going on? What's going on?"
0:20:10 > 0:20:14Her mother says to me, she says, "Listen, Tricia's twin sister
0:20:14 > 0:20:17"has visited and she's brought her two-week-old baby with her.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20"She got out of the car, went to the back door.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23"That's when she realised she'd locked the child
0:20:23 > 0:20:25"in the car with the keys.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28"We thought, with you being from north Belfast and all..."
0:20:37 > 0:20:40I take the hand out of the culchies, but the culchie, she's racist..
0:20:40 > 0:20:44I had to think of north Belfast's reputation at that point in time.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46- And you opened the car. - 30 seconds.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Were they all lined up outside the car waiting for you to...?
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Well, I sort of turned round like something out of the
0:20:54 > 0:20:55Lion King with the child...
0:20:55 > 0:21:00Just a row of culchies all standing there going, "That's a disgrace."
0:21:00 > 0:21:03It's like a reverse Downton.
0:21:03 > 0:21:04Did you see that woman?
0:21:04 > 0:21:07Did you see that woman in Glasgow who gave CPR to a pigeon?
0:21:07 > 0:21:10- Pigeon, yeah.- Did you see that? - How do you do that?
0:21:10 > 0:21:11Like that.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15- You've got to... - Ironically, you have to go...
0:21:15 > 0:21:18HE IMITATES PIGEON
0:21:18 > 0:21:23- What you have to do... - HE IMITATES PIGEON
0:21:23 > 0:21:25That's when you're trying to attract the pigeon.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28So she was doing it, right? She was going full Baywatch.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31She was going... The pigeon's chest was going like this.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34His neck was like... He was gone! He was gone.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37There was loads of tweets, hundreds of thousands of tweets,
0:21:37 > 0:21:40none from the pigeon, cos it was dead.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42What annoyed me was people were going, "Oh, it's disgusting."
0:21:42 > 0:21:45It is pretty rank, but what annoyed me - it's illogical as well.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48How many heartbeats do you have a minute, roughly, as a human?
0:21:48 > 0:21:51About 70 heartbeats. So she's going...
0:21:51 > 0:21:53- Yeah, Staying Alive. - # Staying alive, staying alive. #
0:21:53 > 0:21:54Yeah, exactly.
0:21:54 > 0:21:58Pigeon, 500-600 heartbeats a minute. She should have been going...
0:22:00 > 0:22:03Like sending an angry telegram.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Thank you. Thank you very much for that. Thank you. Yes, indeed.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08What's our next question tonight?
0:22:08 > 0:22:12Who do you blame for not having nice things?
0:22:12 > 0:22:16Yes, a large number of the so-called Belfast Bikes have been destroyed.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Some people say it's a disgrace. I say it's progress.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22I mean, 20 years ago, it wasn't bikes, it was buses.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27One of the purposes of the bikes was to get Belfast children active.
0:22:27 > 0:22:32Indeed, they are active. Actively bucking bikes into the Lagan.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35But who can we blame for not having nice things?
0:22:35 > 0:22:38I actually came here today on a Belfast Bike.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40There's a station across the road from here.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43It took me three attempts to get one that worked, so I can understand
0:22:43 > 0:22:46why people vandalised them, because they went, "Get out of the stand!"
0:22:46 > 0:22:51Yeah, apparently a third of them are out of action.
0:22:51 > 0:22:5619 of them went missing over Easter. They were stolen and not returned.
0:22:56 > 0:23:01Then they've found six of them, which left 13. I thought...
0:23:01 > 0:23:05There was one found cut in half, actually sawn in half.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07I thought, "This is getting really weird now.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10"There's 13 bikes and then one cut in half. Over Easter?
0:23:10 > 0:23:13"This is getting a bit religious." Do you know what I mean?
0:23:13 > 0:23:16"I take this bike, all of you, and eat from it. It's one of these...
0:23:16 > 0:23:20"And he broke the bike and gave it to his spidey friends,
0:23:20 > 0:23:23"and said, 'Buck this in the river and think of me.' "
0:23:23 > 0:23:27- That's what...- He broke the bike, he gave it to the cyclist and said.
0:23:27 > 0:23:31He did. Yeah, there were loads of them missing. It's the only place.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Dublin has the biggest uptake of them in Europe.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37- 12 missing bikes in...- Ten years. - Yeah, something like that.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40- Oh, aren't yous great?- Yeah.
0:23:40 > 0:23:41Seriously, here,
0:23:41 > 0:23:43on the first day they were put in place here two years ago,
0:23:43 > 0:23:48one of the stations was out of order because it was vandalised.
0:23:48 > 0:23:52The first day. They had to put a sign out going, "Sorry, it's broke."
0:23:52 > 0:23:56Seriously, we can't do anything here. Everybody has to break it.
0:23:56 > 0:23:57Cos it's weird, they have to attack it.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00"It's weird. Attack it. Break it."
0:24:00 > 0:24:03That's why when the train still goes through South Armagh, people have
0:24:03 > 0:24:07to go, "Right, put a bomb on the line, make the scary worm go away."
0:24:08 > 0:24:12Terrified of anything.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15Terrified of anything new. They don't like it.
0:24:15 > 0:24:16There was man...
0:24:16 > 0:24:18This week, the other big transport story this week,
0:24:18 > 0:24:19my local corner shop,
0:24:19 > 0:24:24a young fella in a car straight through the front door of the shop.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Lisburn Road. He went...
0:24:26 > 0:24:30How he got speed up on the Lisburn Road, I do not know.
0:24:30 > 0:24:31This was at rush hour on the Lisburn Road.
0:24:31 > 0:24:35Lisburn Road, seriously, one month ago they did a survey and it
0:24:35 > 0:24:40was the most congested road outside of London in the United Kingdom.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43He somehow got enough speed up to go straight through the front doors.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Ram-raided the place. It looked like it anyway, just this mad thing.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48It was awful, I was sitting in the house, heard a bang.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51This guy was straight in. I was amazed Trump didn't,
0:24:51 > 0:24:55cos he claims everything is a terrorist act, amazed...
0:24:55 > 0:24:56- IMITATING TRUMP:- Terrorists have...
0:24:56 > 0:24:58Yeah, because Isis have had their eye
0:24:58 > 0:25:01on Russell's Cellars for a while.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04But it's Lisburn Road as well, it might have been a ram-raid.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06It could have been a boy bursting in going,
0:25:06 > 0:25:09"Quick, quick, take all the couscous."
0:25:09 > 0:25:11It's possible. "Grab it all, Barbara, let's go."
0:25:11 > 0:25:13How did Giro d'Italia get through Belfast
0:25:13 > 0:25:15without being thrown into the Lagan?
0:25:17 > 0:25:20What I love, the story I loved was in Derry.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23The guy in Derry, there was... I don't know if you know about this.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26Well, anyway, guys were coming around cars and they were
0:25:26 > 0:25:29shooting out water pistols. Water pistols out the car.
0:25:29 > 0:25:30Squirting people.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33So he squirted the wrong fella. This boy went.
0:25:33 > 0:25:37"Water pistol? Let me show you my water pistol."
0:25:37 > 0:25:41He took out this big Bowie knife and went to the bonnet of the car.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44Your men didn't get out of the car, they didn't get out of the car.
0:25:44 > 0:25:48In fairness, that's the difference between Derry and Donegal, in
0:25:48 > 0:25:52that we wouldn't do that there because the water charges are...
0:25:52 > 0:25:54still on people's minds.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00The other thing that happened as well in Derry this week
0:26:00 > 0:26:02was the spliff...
0:26:02 > 0:26:04The cannabis campaign. The legalise cannabis campaign.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06There was a protest on Black Mountain.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Yes, there was. Yes, they've written something...
0:26:08 > 0:26:10There was a protest in Derry, wasn't there?
0:26:10 > 0:26:13There was, but it's on 20th April, which is my birthday.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16And Hitler's. Yes, I know.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18People were posting that on Facebook, they were saying
0:26:18 > 0:26:20"happy Hitler's birthday" to me. I was thinking,
0:26:20 > 0:26:24"Oh, I can't press 'like' to that. It's going to look really bad."
0:26:24 > 0:26:26So, yeah, on the 20th of the 4th,
0:26:26 > 0:26:28they write it in the American style, so they write 4/20.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31Then they put a spliff...
0:26:31 > 0:26:33It took me all week to work out what it was that they put up on
0:26:33 > 0:26:36the mountain in white. I'm standing around going, "What have they...?"
0:26:36 > 0:26:39I saw it in the paper and went, "Oh, for f..."
0:26:39 > 0:26:42What are we doing here?
0:26:42 > 0:26:45There was that. But they had a protest in Derry at the Guildhall.
0:26:45 > 0:26:49About 40 or 50 stoners turned up and lit up. They all lit up.
0:26:49 > 0:26:53They're all just going, "What are you here for? Protest?
0:26:58 > 0:27:00"Why are we here again?"
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Police dispersed it with an ice-cream van.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Just drove an ice-cream van in...
0:27:11 > 0:27:13Thank you, thank you very much for that.
0:27:13 > 0:27:14Just time now for our quick-fire round.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17I will read you various newspaper headlines and I want you to be
0:27:17 > 0:27:20faster than Jake O'Kane rushing out to get his tickets for Bananarama.
0:27:26 > 0:27:27- I'd go to that.- They've reformed.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33Nigel Farage realises that immigrants get into heaven too.
0:27:38 > 0:27:39Anne Summers' new slogan.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47Archbishops are worried.
0:27:47 > 0:27:48That's very...
0:27:53 > 0:27:56No, stop them leaving Newry.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04Has been identified only as a legend.
0:28:13 > 0:28:15You're asking the wrong four fellas.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21Ryanair announce new route.
0:28:27 > 0:28:30# Cheating and heating, these are a few of our favourite things. #
0:28:35 > 0:28:37Finally...
0:28:37 > 0:28:39The most common phrase shouted at Tim.
0:28:48 > 0:28:50That's it, ladies and gentlemen, that's the end of the show.
0:28:50 > 0:28:52Please show your appreciation to our panel -
0:28:52 > 0:28:54Colin Murphy, Terry McHugh,
0:28:54 > 0:28:56Jake O'Kane and Neil Delamere!
0:28:56 > 0:28:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:04 > 0:29:07I'm Tim McGarry. Until next time, don't blame yourselves,
0:29:07 > 0:29:08blame each other. Goodbye.
0:29:08 > 0:29:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE