0:00:28 > 0:00:30CHEERING
0:00:40 > 0:00:41Hello.
0:00:42 > 0:00:46Hello and welcome to The Blame Game, the show that has more laughs
0:00:46 > 0:00:48than Theresa May has friends in Brussels.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52I'm Tim McGarry and our regular panellists are, of course,
0:00:52 > 0:00:55Colin Murphy, Jake O'Kane and Neil Delamere.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57CHEERING
0:01:01 > 0:01:03And our special guest tonight is an American
0:01:03 > 0:01:05comedian, writer and actor.
0:01:05 > 0:01:09One review said he is deliberately provocative and mercilessly mocks
0:01:09 > 0:01:11everyone in equal measure.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14He's a firm favourite here on The Blame Game,
0:01:14 > 0:01:16please welcome back the fabulous Scott Capurro!
0:01:16 > 0:01:18CHEERING
0:01:22 > 0:01:24And we have to start with the big news this week,
0:01:24 > 0:01:28which is that His Royal Highness Prince Philip, the Duke
0:01:28 > 0:01:30of Edinburgh, is retiring from royal duties.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33Prince Philip is also known as Phil the Greek.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36He's retiring not because he is old, it's just that, after Brexit, he'll
0:01:36 > 0:01:38be regarded as a migrant worker.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Prince Philip is also known for his off-colour remarks
0:01:44 > 0:01:46and for insulting foreigners.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49This morning, Theresa May asked him if he'd like to lead the
0:01:49 > 0:01:51UK's Brexit negotiations.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Now, on with the show.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59The audience asked the questions and, like Diane Abbott,
0:01:59 > 0:02:02our panel provides some very unreliable answers.
0:02:03 > 0:02:08"Who's to blame for Jake O'Kane being irresistible to women?"
0:02:08 > 0:02:11CHEERING
0:02:11 > 0:02:14Anne Dawson from Lurgan.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Delighted to know we have a big following in the
0:02:18 > 0:02:19visually-impaired community.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24She didn't write that, her dog wrote that.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Ah, the bad-night-out ticket.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30So what is our first question tonight?
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Our first question tonight is, who do you blame
0:02:33 > 0:02:35for failed negotiations?
0:02:35 > 0:02:38A full-scale Brexit row has broken out after details
0:02:38 > 0:02:41of a dinner with Theresa May and Jean-Claude Juncker were leaked.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44Diplomats said the dinner was acrimonious and disastrous.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Channel 4 said it was the best episode of
0:02:47 > 0:02:48Come Dine With Me in years.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Brexit is like a divorce between the UK and Europe.
0:02:52 > 0:02:56The big issues are trade, money, who gets to keep Northern Ireland...
0:02:57 > 0:03:00..and who gets to take us to McDonald's every other weekend.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Locally, Unionists are opposed to the bid for European Capital
0:03:05 > 0:03:09of Culture being called - "Derry and Belfast bid".
0:03:09 > 0:03:12They want it to be called the "Londonderry and Belfast Capital
0:03:12 > 0:03:15"of Culture bid", or the "Derry-Londonderry and Belfast bid",
0:03:15 > 0:03:18or the "Derry-Londonderry legendary and Belfast bid".
0:03:20 > 0:03:22To be honest, any one of those would be fine
0:03:22 > 0:03:24and we could still win Capital of Culture as long as the bid
0:03:24 > 0:03:26doesn't mention Strabane.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33But who can we blame for failed negotiations?
0:03:33 > 0:03:37Yes, you have to blame, I think, Juncker and Theresa May.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39So we know about this disastrous dinner between the two of them
0:03:39 > 0:03:42because of the EU Commission, and Juncker basically
0:03:42 > 0:03:44leaks like a faulty TENA Lady...
0:03:46 > 0:03:48That's...
0:03:48 > 0:03:50That's how we know.
0:03:50 > 0:03:55Some people are surprised, some older women here, not as surprised.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Basically what happened, he is suggesting that,
0:03:57 > 0:04:00it was a disaster and she was unprepared.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03And that David Davis was completely unprepared and that
0:04:03 > 0:04:06you can't just leave the EU, it's not like a golf club.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08This is what he said, you can't just renounce your membership.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11The EU is like the RA, or like the Mafia, there's no way out of it.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14Basically, the only way for Britain to get out is go into the
0:04:14 > 0:04:17witness protection programme. That's what's going to happen, right.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19One day, Britain is just going to slip away in
0:04:19 > 0:04:22the middle of the night. Some guy's going to get up in Carrickfergus,
0:04:22 > 0:04:25look out his window and wonder why he can see France. That's what's going to happen.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28He's just, "Mary..." Wait, Carrickfergus.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30"Jennifer..."
0:04:31 > 0:04:35"Jennifer, there's a fellow over there, stripy top, onions,
0:04:35 > 0:04:36"beret, what's going on?"
0:04:36 > 0:04:38That's what's going to happen. They're just going to leave.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41And Barra Best will be on the news or doing the weather and it'll just
0:04:41 > 0:04:44be a big gap between the Republic of Ireland, or the island
0:04:44 > 0:04:46of Ireland, and then the Continent. And that will be it.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49And we'll hear later on that Britain has gone into the witness protection
0:04:49 > 0:04:53programme and is now living in an undisclosed location under
0:04:53 > 0:04:55an assumed name, like...
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Yeah, and she's done her hair a different way and she doesn't want
0:04:58 > 0:05:00any contact with her old life, she's moved on.
0:05:00 > 0:05:04And she loves Northern Ireland and she didn't go because of Northern Ireland...
0:05:04 > 0:05:06But if she makes contact with Northern Ireland,
0:05:06 > 0:05:08she's going to be afraid that the Germans will find
0:05:08 > 0:05:10out where she lives. And...
0:05:13 > 0:05:16I think I probably should stop there.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19That's the only way out.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24And then, Juncker, during the meeting,
0:05:24 > 0:05:25did an amazing thing.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28He pulled out seven kilos of paper, because he thought she didn't
0:05:28 > 0:05:31understand how complicated it was, and he brought out the
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Croatian Accession Agreement to the EU and the Canadian trade
0:05:34 > 0:05:36deal and went, thunk, "Look how complicated this is!"
0:05:36 > 0:05:38That's why you need paper, of course.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40Thunk! That's... Thunk!
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Like, a Kindle, that's not... "Look, look, look!"
0:05:44 > 0:05:47I don't know why you'd do that with a Kindle, actually.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49My finger is getting tired.
0:05:49 > 0:05:53And then Nigel Farage comes along, the cheek of Nigel Farage, half man,
0:05:53 > 0:05:55half collapsed sock puppet of a human being.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Just, oh... Do know what he said?
0:06:00 > 0:06:03He goes, "The EU are stoking Irish nationalism."
0:06:03 > 0:06:09The former head of Ukip is accusing people of stoking nationalism.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Oh, and in other news, Coke is accusing Pepsi of promoting
0:06:12 > 0:06:14sweetened beverages.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Like, it's just... It makes you sick.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18She called herself a "bloody difficult woman" and said
0:06:18 > 0:06:22she was going to prove to the EU that she was a bloody difficult woman.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24And I was thinking, bloody difficult woman is the most British-sounding
0:06:24 > 0:06:27superhero I've ever heard of in my life.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29# Bloody difficult woman...!
0:06:29 > 0:06:31# She's belligerent!
0:06:31 > 0:06:33# She's annoying!
0:06:33 > 0:06:35# She gets in the way! #
0:06:36 > 0:06:39I think she's just trying to sound hard.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Like she said, she's trying to be tough.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44She wants a hard Brexit, because, considering the age of her cabinet,
0:06:44 > 0:06:47I think a semi is the most she can probably hope for.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Every time I look at her, I get a soft...
0:06:51 > 0:06:52I think that she...
0:06:52 > 0:06:55When she was there, when she was at that meeting
0:06:55 > 0:06:57and she said to him, "Look, I think we can really make
0:06:57 > 0:06:59"this Brexit work." To the guy...
0:06:59 > 0:07:02You know what I mean? That is, like, the weirdest divorce in the world ever.
0:07:02 > 0:07:06"You know, we can split up, but we can make this
0:07:06 > 0:07:08"a really happy split," do you know what I mean?
0:07:08 > 0:07:10"You could really help me by giving me the house.
0:07:10 > 0:07:14"Because I need space, and if you could just go away..." And you know...
0:07:14 > 0:07:16"It's not me, it's EU."
0:07:17 > 0:07:19LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Exactly.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26I think people here have got a cheek to talk about failed negotiations.
0:07:26 > 0:07:30There's no government here. For four months, there's been no government.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33- How could you tell?- Nobody could tell. Nobody noticed.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37And now, for the first time ever, there's going to be absolutely nobody in charge.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40Because Westminster is going to be prorogued for the election,
0:07:40 > 0:07:41so there's no Direct Rule.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44So it's in the gutter. Politics is in the gutter.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46The last man who said that was Napoleon.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49Napoleon said he found the French Crown in the gutter
0:07:49 > 0:07:51and he picked it up.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53I am in a similar situation.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57That's exactly the situation...
0:07:57 > 0:08:00I'm going to declare myself Emperor of Northern Ireland.
0:08:00 > 0:08:01Nobody can say no. Nobody can say no!
0:08:01 > 0:08:03CHEERING
0:08:03 > 0:08:05No, no, no.
0:08:07 > 0:08:12I hereby, on my own authority, disband the Assembly and I demand
0:08:12 > 0:08:15that all the salaries that have been paid to them - is paid back and
0:08:15 > 0:08:19given to the health workers. That's my first thing...
0:08:19 > 0:08:21CHEERING
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Every peace wall is to get a windae.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31So they can see the ones on the other side are just like them.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35- Right? - I don't know...
0:08:35 > 0:08:37My husband and I live in London and I live under
0:08:37 > 0:08:40an Italian passport and, I don't know...
0:08:40 > 0:08:42I mean...
0:08:42 > 0:08:44- Get an Irish one. - Well...
0:08:45 > 0:08:47No, the problem is, I like to work.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49AUDIENCE: Ooooo...
0:08:53 > 0:08:55There's your mistake.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58I mean, we could move to Brazil, that's a thriving comedy scene.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00I don't know where...
0:09:00 > 0:09:03We thought about moving to the US, but...
0:09:03 > 0:09:05You know what's happening there now, so...
0:09:05 > 0:09:08It felt for a long time like Britain was our only home, but now we're not so sure.
0:09:08 > 0:09:12The ex-British ambassador to Ireland got himself an Irish passport.
0:09:12 > 0:09:16But he did it for the most diplomatic posh reason ever.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19"I have a house in Italy, I don't want to queue at the airport."
0:09:19 > 0:09:21That's what he said.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24I bet you there's Irish Republicans going, "I suffered so that
0:09:24 > 0:09:27"English lord could get through the customs quicker."
0:09:29 > 0:09:32The Derry-Londonderry thing is brilliant.
0:09:32 > 0:09:36So, if people haven't followed it, as you said, it's a Derry-Belfast
0:09:36 > 0:09:38joint bid for one city to be...
0:09:38 > 0:09:40European...
0:09:40 > 0:09:43OK, I don't understand that bit, right, but then there was a meeting
0:09:43 > 0:09:45of Derry City Council and a Unionist there said, should we call,
0:09:45 > 0:09:47"Should we call it Derry-Londonderry?"
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Fair enough, he's representing his community.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52He says, "I'm bringing the Unionist factor."
0:09:52 > 0:09:55By the way, which is a talent show I would watch on television!
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Fenian's Got Talent and the Unionist Factor are two
0:09:57 > 0:10:00TV shows I'd definitely watch.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02If you just had Mike Nesbitt as Simon Cowell,
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Arlene Foster as Louis Walsh...
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Jim Allister as Nicole Scherzinger or whoever, it'd be brilliant.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Just Honey G coming out and just her singing a song, yeah...
0:10:13 > 0:10:15I'm not really sure if we want the rap version of
0:10:15 > 0:10:17We Are The Billy Boys. I'm not really sure about it.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19I mean, I'm not really...
0:10:19 > 0:10:21"Wikka-wikka-wikka, up to my neck.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23"Up to my neck in Fenian blood."
0:10:23 > 0:10:25I'm not really sure about that. So we're not sure...
0:10:25 > 0:10:28So he suggested, anyway, the guy suggested in the meeting
0:10:28 > 0:10:31that it be called Derry-Londonderry Belfast,
0:10:31 > 0:10:33and then somebody else, from Tyrone, said,
0:10:33 > 0:10:34"Hold on, it's Derry Strabane...
0:10:34 > 0:10:38It should be called Derry-Londonderry Strabane Belfast.
0:10:38 > 0:10:42OK, I thought, why would Strabane want to be involved in this?
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Considering you're going to be out of the EU, but there are cities
0:10:45 > 0:10:49outside of the EU that can actually get this, because Istanbul in Turkey
0:10:49 > 0:10:52got it and I thought, "That's why!"
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Strabane...
0:10:54 > 0:10:57is essentially the Istanbul of Tyrone.
0:11:00 > 0:11:01No, bear with me, right.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06Istanbul is at the meeting of two great cultures, right?
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Europe and Asia.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Strabane is at the meeting of Donegal and Tyrone.
0:11:12 > 0:11:13If you wander around...
0:11:13 > 0:11:17There are fewer kebab shops in Istanbul than in Strabane,
0:11:17 > 0:11:20but if you wander around Istanbul, you can see how the fusion
0:11:20 > 0:11:22of cultures has affected stuff like their cuisine.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Same thing in Strabane.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27I was in Strabane once, in a cafe, and I had Donegal Catch
0:11:27 > 0:11:29and Cookstown sausages on the same plate!
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Boom, boom, boom!
0:11:37 > 0:11:41- That's called surf and trough. - Surf and trough.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45- It's going hard border. Is it a hard border?- Yeah.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48The Orange Order is going, "soft border".
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Republics are going, "what border?"
0:11:50 > 0:11:52What is a hard border?
0:11:52 > 0:11:54They're going to have checks now, customs checks?
0:11:54 > 0:11:57- That's a hard border. Customs posts. - What's a soft border?
0:11:57 > 0:11:58A soft border is what it is at the minute.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00- No border? - No border.- Ah.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03But there has to be a border somewhere, there has to be.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05So the border would end up being in Stranraer.
0:12:05 > 0:12:06Now...
0:12:06 > 0:12:08LAUGHTER
0:12:08 > 0:12:11You see, the people in London haven't thought this through. They are sitting going...
0:12:11 > 0:12:13- POSH ENGLISH ACCENT:- "The obvious place is Scotland,
0:12:13 > 0:12:15"that's marvellous. Any Europeans
0:12:15 > 0:12:17"coming over, they'll be coming from
0:12:17 > 0:12:20"Scotland or Liverpool, even. Gives them jobs.
0:12:20 > 0:12:21"And that's what we'll do."
0:12:21 > 0:12:25And they have really underestimated the people from here going,
0:12:25 > 0:12:27"I think you'll find, I'm not showing my passport
0:12:27 > 0:12:30"to travel to another part of MY country."
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Could you imagine?
0:12:36 > 0:12:38"Excuse me, sir, can I see your passport?"
0:12:38 > 0:12:39"Can I show you my foot?"
0:12:41 > 0:12:45The other good news is, there's a flight now
0:12:45 > 0:12:47from Derry to Stansted.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Although, if you say it properly, it's going to sound weird
0:12:50 > 0:12:53because you're going from Derry-Londonderry London
0:12:53 > 0:12:56and then you're going London Derry-Londonderry.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59You just sound like your mental.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02- It sounds like you've got London Tourette's. - You're buying two flights.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04"I'm going Derry-Londonderry London."
0:13:05 > 0:13:07London Stansted London Londonderry Derry.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09No, you can't say Stansted.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Oh, no. See... You don't know about Stansted?
0:13:11 > 0:13:14- No.- Oh, you see, all the Catholics call it Stansted.- Oh.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16But all the Protestants call it London Stansted.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21- Painted out on the signs. - Yeah.
0:13:25 > 0:13:26Thank you very much for that.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Yes, Theresa May has accused European leaders
0:13:29 > 0:13:31of interfering in our election.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33I say to those Europeans, "If you are interfering
0:13:33 > 0:13:36"in our election, could you make it happen tomorrow, please,
0:13:36 > 0:13:38"so we can get the bucking thing over with?"
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Because of the election, talks have indeed been suspended.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43And Northern Ireland now has no government.
0:13:43 > 0:13:47Yes, we have no government at Stormont and this week
0:13:47 > 0:13:50the weather has been brilliant. Coincidence?
0:13:55 > 0:13:57So what is our next question tonight?
0:13:57 > 0:14:00Who do you blame for unpredictable leaders?
0:14:00 > 0:14:03Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we live in a very fragile
0:14:03 > 0:14:05and unpredictable world, with leaders who are,
0:14:05 > 0:14:07frankly, capable of anything.
0:14:07 > 0:14:11Donald Trump could bomb Syria, Kim Jong-un could launch a nuclear
0:14:11 > 0:14:14strike, and Arlene Foster could visit another Catholic school.
0:14:14 > 0:14:18Donald Trump has relentlessly attacked the press in his first
0:14:18 > 0:14:20100 days in office.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23A vibrant press is of course vital for democracy.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26The New York Times said it will resist presidential bullying,
0:14:26 > 0:14:28the Washington Post said it will always report the news
0:14:28 > 0:14:31impartially and the Daily Mail Online said Kim Kardashian's
0:14:31 > 0:14:33arse is full of cellulite.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38But who can we blame for unpredictable leaders?
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Well, I mean...
0:14:41 > 0:14:44I know that Donald Trump is unpredictable.
0:14:44 > 0:14:48I just think he's a gangster reacting to headlines, himself.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50He wants to build a wall.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Which is weird, because Mexicans can build doors and...
0:14:55 > 0:14:58And use keys, and they've always got ladders!
0:14:58 > 0:15:01I think what he's saying is, he wants to expel everyone
0:15:01 > 0:15:05from America who is not white, which is weird, because he's orange!
0:15:05 > 0:15:07As it turns out, orange is the new black!
0:15:09 > 0:15:10I miss Obama.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12I would vote for Obama if he ran again.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15He probably will, because, in America, black men are always
0:15:15 > 0:15:18running from somebody, for good reason.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21Not really a police force, more like target practice.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23But I did... I did...
0:15:23 > 0:15:24LAUGHTER
0:15:26 > 0:15:28I didn't pull the trigger!
0:15:28 > 0:15:30I love that...
0:15:30 > 0:15:32It all went quiet, and there was just a voice
0:15:32 > 0:15:33in the audience going, "Jesus...!"
0:15:33 > 0:15:36LAUGHTER
0:15:36 > 0:15:39I did watch the inauguration/ Nuremburg Rally, and I was...
0:15:41 > 0:15:44There are people in the US, maybe like the Brexit campaign,
0:15:44 > 0:15:47they are similar, in a way, who felt ignored by politics.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49They felt like they'd been cast aside.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52We all have relatives we're ashamed of.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55I have family from... Southern Baptists from West Virginia.
0:15:55 > 0:15:59And when we traced our family tree, we found out it was circular.
0:16:00 > 0:16:01LAUGHTER
0:16:03 > 0:16:05And there were sheep on all the branches.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08And their last name's Kilkenny.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Anyway, the point is, you know, there are people that want to return
0:16:11 > 0:16:14America to what it was, which is what Trump promised -
0:16:14 > 0:16:16- Make America great again. - But what does that mean?
0:16:16 > 0:16:18I just don't understand why people didn't vote for Hillary.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21I supported Hillary, because I thought,
0:16:21 > 0:16:22you know, women, right? Girls, girls, girls!
0:16:22 > 0:16:24AUDIENCE: WHOO!
0:16:24 > 0:16:26They work for less.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31I think Michelle Obama is the only leader America has in its future.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Michelle Obama, I find her inspiring.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37She needs a bigger Afro and some back-up singers but...
0:16:38 > 0:16:39She'll have a hit...
0:16:39 > 0:16:41She goes round the world telling schoolgirls,
0:16:41 > 0:16:43"You work hard, you do your best,
0:16:43 > 0:16:46"maybe someday you, too, can shag a world leader," and really...
0:16:47 > 0:16:49If anyone knows about that, it's Hillary Clitoris.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51I just feel like...
0:16:51 > 0:16:53LAUGHTER
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Something this panel doesn't really...
0:16:55 > 0:16:57know that much about.
0:16:58 > 0:17:02I feel like America's kind of, they're on a downward spiral.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04The coastal cities are nice.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07People still use utensils and wear shoes outdoors.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10But when you drive inland in America, you know,
0:17:10 > 0:17:11you take your life in your own...
0:17:11 > 0:17:14you know, well-manicured hands, the farther you go from the sea,
0:17:14 > 0:17:16the stupider...
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Maybe they are not stupid, maybe they are just dehydrated.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21Maybe all the people that voted for Trump are just really, really thirsty.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24"I'm going to vote for Donald Trump, because he's rich,
0:17:24 > 0:17:26"and I want to be rich, too!"
0:17:29 > 0:17:32"It doesn't really work that way, but if I give you some money,
0:17:32 > 0:17:34"will you buy some fucking teeth?!" Seriously.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36LAUGHTER
0:17:42 > 0:17:44I'd love to see that. A lotto winner.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Just go, "What are you going to buy?"
0:17:46 > 0:17:48"I'm going to buy teeth!
0:17:48 > 0:17:51"I have me some eye on some dentures!"
0:17:51 > 0:17:53- He's not as stupid as people make out.- No.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55- He is president.- He can't be.
0:17:55 > 0:17:56He won, do you know what I mean?
0:17:56 > 0:17:58And all this, "Make America great again..."
0:17:58 > 0:18:00What is your woman saying now?
0:18:00 > 0:18:02"Strong and stable". They're following each other.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05- You know what I mean? - They all follow each other, though.
0:18:05 > 0:18:09Le Pen is meant to have plagiarised a speech from Fillon,
0:18:09 > 0:18:13and apparently she said, "Oh, just a wink, to try to get his
0:18:13 > 0:18:16"supporters on board." And that's what people do.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Well, Trump's wife plagiarised Michelle Obama's speech.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21I was watching Gerry Adams in the Dail. He said...
0:18:21 > 0:18:23HE SPEAKS IRISH
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Two weeks later, who was I watching? Arlene Foster
0:18:25 > 0:18:28- in a school in Newry. - No way.- No way.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Word for word.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Word for word!
0:18:33 > 0:18:35The next thing you know, it will be
0:18:35 > 0:18:38"Make Londonderry-Derry, Strabane, Belfast great again."
0:18:38 > 0:18:40That will be the slogan.
0:18:40 > 0:18:41Right the way round the hat.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43The big hat and it will go right the way around.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45HE GARBLES
0:18:45 > 0:18:49We are lucky. We don't have unpredictable leaders. We are very fortunate that way.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51We can predict ours are always shite.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53- LAUGHTER - That's true.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Can I say one last thing?
0:18:59 > 0:19:01At least Trump's worked for 100 days.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03It's the last thing I'm saying.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05It's the last thing I'm saying.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07That's the last thing.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12Thank you, thank you very much for that. Yes, indeed.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14What's our next question tonight?
0:19:14 > 0:19:17Who do you blame for natural talent?
0:19:17 > 0:19:20Yes, there was good news this week when a Scottish surfer survived
0:19:20 > 0:19:2232 hours in the Irish Sea.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25The man was rescued by helicopter and brought
0:19:25 > 0:19:26to a hospital in Belfast.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29He was extremely lucky because if they'd brought him
0:19:29 > 0:19:31to Daisy Hill Hospital in Newry...
0:19:32 > 0:19:36..there probably wouldn't have been anybody there to see him.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39A school choir from Drumgreenagh near Rathfriland in
0:19:39 > 0:19:41County Down sang superbly.
0:19:41 > 0:19:45They did a beautiful version of Somewhere Only We Know.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Somewhere only we know is, of course, what everyone
0:19:48 > 0:19:51in Drumgreenagh says when people ask them -
0:19:51 > 0:19:55"Where the FECK...is Drumgreenagh?"
0:20:01 > 0:20:04But who can we blame for natural talent?
0:20:04 > 0:20:08The surfer, that was a miracle that man survived.
0:20:08 > 0:20:1332 hours he was on a surfboard in the middle of the Irish Sea
0:20:13 > 0:20:15and he was rescued.
0:20:15 > 0:20:19The coastguard said, it could have been a very
0:20:19 > 0:20:21different outcome, because he was drifting towards Larne.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26It could've been much worse.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29The happy ending this week was Line Of Duty...
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Local talent, all shot in Belfast, the whole thing shot
0:20:31 > 0:20:33in Belfast, fantastic.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35And it was brilliant, I watched the whole series.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Genuinely fantastic. Adrian Dunbar is just brilliant.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41And the fact that he was from here and allowed to be
0:20:41 > 0:20:43from here in the thing, no back story, no...
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Do you know what I mean? None of that sort of stuff...
0:20:45 > 0:20:47As always, if there's someone from here, there has
0:20:47 > 0:20:49to be a back story to it, there has to be a reason for it.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Because English people can't cope with the idea that
0:20:51 > 0:20:53someone's from here, they'll sit at home and go,
0:20:53 > 0:20:56- ENGLISH ACCENT:- "Oh, he's up to something. He's really nasty."
0:20:56 > 0:20:58And he's running around the place, and he's saying things...
0:20:58 > 0:21:01The best phrase in the whole thing was, "Now you're sucking diesel!"
0:21:01 > 0:21:02And...
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Everybody here went, "Yes!"
0:21:04 > 0:21:06CHEERING
0:21:06 > 0:21:10And it's a phrase people use here for something
0:21:10 > 0:21:11good, not Vin Diesel.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16It's a different thing.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Similar feeling.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23Vin Diesel has a brother called Green and Red.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25He does.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27INAUDIBLE
0:21:27 > 0:21:30So, who was it...?
0:21:30 > 0:21:34Other talent from here. Eamonn Holmes, he got into trouble because of a Line Of Duty
0:21:34 > 0:21:36reference that he made. He said...
0:21:36 > 0:21:39He made a joke on This Morning about the fact that one of the main
0:21:39 > 0:21:42characters in it was this character called Balaclava Man
0:21:42 > 0:21:45and they were all trying to find out who Balaclava Man was in
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Line Of Duty, because that was vital to the story.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49And he said in a link, he said...
0:21:49 > 0:21:52"And of course, Line of Duty, which is shot in Belfast,
0:21:52 > 0:21:54"no shortage of balaclavas there."
0:21:56 > 0:21:58That's perfectly fine, that's a good gag.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Everybody in England went nuts with this.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03I'm guessing it's second-generation Irishman,
0:22:03 > 0:22:05- ENGLISH ACCENT:- "Oh, my God,
0:22:05 > 0:22:08"I'm Michael O'Flaherty, and I would like to complain about..."
0:22:08 > 0:22:11One guy genuinely said, he said, "That comment has set the
0:22:11 > 0:22:13"peace process back 20 years."
0:22:15 > 0:22:16LAUGHTER
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Continuity RA are sitting somewhere going...
0:22:19 > 0:22:20HE SPITS
0:22:20 > 0:22:22"Did Eamonn Holmes say what?!
0:22:24 > 0:22:25"Give me my balaclava!"
0:22:28 > 0:22:31I love the idea that the Continuity IRA are so genteel that
0:22:31 > 0:22:33they have a cup and saucer!
0:22:35 > 0:22:40The other bit of talent - men over 30 are
0:22:40 > 0:22:43being sought by Channel 4 for Come Dine With Me,
0:22:43 > 0:22:45and they don't have enough men in the Belfast area, if
0:22:45 > 0:22:48anybody in the audience likes cooking...
0:22:48 > 0:22:49Come Dine With Me is...
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Four strangers have dinner parties on consecutive nights and
0:22:54 > 0:22:56they mark each other for their food and hospitality and that kind of
0:22:56 > 0:22:59thing. So they're obviously doing one in Belfast, which is, you know,
0:22:59 > 0:23:02when you hear that, when you see that and it's on another
0:23:02 > 0:23:05station and you think, "Oh, Christ, this is going out in England."
0:23:05 > 0:23:08It's like when you saw Nadine Coyle
0:23:08 > 0:23:10on Jonathan Ross or something and you go, "Oh, no, no!"
0:23:10 > 0:23:13And so it's going to be people from here.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16"So, here, what about ye? Bwah!"
0:23:16 > 0:23:18"What're we having tonight?"
0:23:18 > 0:23:20"Well, tonight we're having sausage rolls!
0:23:25 > 0:23:26"Drizzled in brown sauce.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31"Followed by Buckfast!
0:23:33 > 0:23:35"And then...
0:23:37 > 0:23:40"I thought, for entertainment afterwards, we will
0:23:40 > 0:23:42"go round to the immigrant that lives next door and buck a brick
0:23:42 > 0:23:44"through his window!"
0:23:44 > 0:23:46APPLAUSE
0:23:48 > 0:23:51What is our next question tonight? Our next question tonight is, who do you blame
0:23:51 > 0:23:53for Northern Ireland getting fit?
0:23:53 > 0:23:56For the first time in years, a woman from Northern Ireland
0:23:56 > 0:23:58won the Belfast Marathon.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Congratulations, and we sincerely hope it
0:24:00 > 0:24:02won't affect your DLA claim!
0:24:02 > 0:24:05But who can we blame for Northern Ireland getting fit?
0:24:05 > 0:24:09We don't get fit. She's an aberration! Fair play to her.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Well done. Well done, that woman. She won...
0:24:11 > 0:24:13The Irish News had the best headline ever.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Irish News had the best headline,
0:24:15 > 0:24:17"Marathon Winners From Kenya And Kilkeel!"
0:24:18 > 0:24:21We just know that whoever was doing the typesetting
0:24:21 > 0:24:23went, "No, no, no. Here... This isn't right.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25"This couldn't be right."
0:24:25 > 0:24:28You can't beat them Kenyans - you can't beat the Kenyans.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31You can't. Them boys run their lives, you know what I mean?
0:24:31 > 0:24:33They get up in the morning, their ma sends them for a pint
0:24:33 > 0:24:36of milk - it's eight mile. Eight mile, they run! And they run eight mile back!
0:24:36 > 0:24:40And their ma goes, I said, "Semi-skimmed!" Eight mile back they go, again!
0:24:40 > 0:24:42- You get some young 'un here going... - HE PANTS
0:24:42 > 0:24:45"You out jogging?" "Couldn't catch the bus."
0:24:45 > 0:24:47- HE PANTS - They don't, they don't.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49They don't do it. We don't have it.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52You know the pulse things? These are the things. These are bad. I've noticed this.
0:24:52 > 0:24:56- The Fitbit thing? - The fitness thing. You get your pulse, and it takes your pulse
0:24:56 > 0:24:57and all the rest of it.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00And it beeps if you are in a danger zone.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03And you have to stop. It beeped when I put my gutties on.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08I was putting my gutties on my feet.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10It told me to stop. I had to take a breath.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15And here's the problem. It's obesity.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17You know, in America? It's as bad here. It's obesity.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19It's sugar, they put sugar in everything,
0:25:19 > 0:25:21they put sugar in sugar. Right?
0:25:21 > 0:25:24And the kids aren't eating properly. And you've got obese children.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27And this is a serious thing.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30Now, you had no obese children when I was a boy.
0:25:30 > 0:25:31It didn't exist.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33- The Famine times?- No!
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Because we went out and we made our own entertainment.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40There was no Wiis, there was no Xboxes.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42We were out in the fresh air. Rioting!
0:25:42 > 0:25:45We made our own entertainment!
0:25:45 > 0:25:47And there's nothing, I tell you, you could have a child
0:25:47 > 0:25:50three stone overweight, you can guarantee you'll knock that
0:25:50 > 0:25:54three stone off that child if a snatch patrol comes out to get him!
0:25:54 > 0:25:57And if you were in a raid, all you had to
0:25:57 > 0:25:59keep in your head was, make sure the fat kid and the
0:25:59 > 0:26:02asthmatic was behind you!
0:26:02 > 0:26:04See if you were running from a snatch squad,
0:26:04 > 0:26:05and you looked round and there's some guy...
0:26:05 > 0:26:08- HE GASPS ASTHMATICALLY - ..you were safe! That was it.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10The soldiers got fed up beating wee...
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Can I just say to Scott,
0:26:12 > 0:26:14a snatch patrol isn't what you think it is.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17There's a fat monkey in Thailand.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19- There is. - Did you see this?
0:26:19 > 0:26:21It was in the news.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24He was twice his normal weight cos of the tourists.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27He's a macaque monkey and he has a big belly, because...
0:26:27 > 0:26:29PANELLIST LAUGHS
0:26:29 > 0:26:31That's what he's called, a macaque monkey...
0:26:31 > 0:26:34Cos he's there going - "I can't see my cock!"
0:26:34 > 0:26:37CHEERING
0:26:39 > 0:26:42- Oh, vegans can poo.- Poo!- Vegans can poo.
0:26:42 > 0:26:43They can drink Guinness now.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46They have taken the fish bladders out of Guinness.
0:26:46 > 0:26:50The last thing you need to add to a vegan diet is Guinness!
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Like, really, seriously!
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Are there any vegans here? Stand up,
0:26:54 > 0:26:55if you can, and explain...
0:26:56 > 0:26:58I don't understand that diet, at all.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00I went for a vegan meal. I think I had a bowl of pubic hair
0:27:00 > 0:27:04and a scoop of kitty litter. That's worth bombing Iraq over.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07This is how you know liberals will never win another election
0:27:07 > 0:27:10anywhere, because conservatives eat red meat and hate everyone. It's a win-win for them,
0:27:10 > 0:27:13but Liberals are, like, "Well, I want to save the world,
0:27:13 > 0:27:15"but I'm lactose intolerant!
0:27:15 > 0:27:17"I can't feel my feet!
0:27:17 > 0:27:20"I haven't had a period in 30 years."
0:27:21 > 0:27:22LAUGHTER
0:27:27 > 0:27:29APPLAUSE
0:27:35 > 0:27:38Thank you very much for that. Just time for our quickfire round.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44Trump accidentally swipes right on Twinder.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47- Twinder?! - Tinder!
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Arlene's house is roasting!
0:27:54 > 0:27:57Tim, I have some very, very bad news!
0:28:03 > 0:28:04Said the man who went blind.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10Bangor M&S slashes the price of olives.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17That's it, ladies and gentlemen.
0:28:17 > 0:28:18That's the end of the show.
0:28:18 > 0:28:21Please show your appreciation to our panel, Colin Murphy,
0:28:21 > 0:28:24Scott Capurro, Jake O'Kane and Neil Delamere!
0:28:24 > 0:28:26CHEERING
0:28:30 > 0:28:33I'm... I'm Tim McGarry.
0:28:33 > 0:28:35Until next time, don't blame yourselves,
0:28:35 > 0:28:38blame each other. Goodbye!