0:00:24 > 0:00:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:31 > 0:00:33Hello and welcome to The Blame Game,
0:00:33 > 0:00:37the show that will have you laughing so hard you will be on the floor.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Yes, you will literally be doing a Mike Nesbitt.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42LAUGHTER
0:00:44 > 0:00:47I'm Tim McGarry and our regular panellists won't be lying down
0:00:47 > 0:00:50on the job because they're stand-ups who are currently sitting.
0:00:50 > 0:00:54They are, of course, Colin Murphy, Jake O'Kane and Neil Delamere.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:01 > 0:01:04And our special guest tonight is a superb stand-up comedian who
0:01:04 > 0:01:07hosts Newsjack on BBC Radio 4 Extra,
0:01:07 > 0:01:10and she's a regular on Radio 4's The News Quiz.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12She's been on The Blame Game before and was
0:01:12 > 0:01:14so good we just had to have her back.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the fabulous Angela Barnes.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:22 > 0:01:23Now, on with the show.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26The audience ask the questions and our panel provide some very
0:01:26 > 0:01:29unreliable answers. So, what did you, our audience, ask us tonight?
0:01:29 > 0:01:32Well, there are 300 people in the audience and 300 people asked,
0:01:32 > 0:01:35who do you blame for Mike Nesbitt on a carpet?
0:01:37 > 0:01:40But there's some other questions - who's to blame for nurses in
0:01:40 > 0:01:44Northern Ireland being the lowest paid in the UK?
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Says an underpaid and overworked nurse, which is a great
0:01:47 > 0:01:50and a very good point, but this is a buckin' comedy show.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52LAUGHTER
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Who's to blame for this show getting so popular that I have not
0:01:59 > 0:02:02been able to get tickets in over a year?
0:02:02 > 0:02:06Says Craig Gill from Ballyclare, who obviously got bloody tickets!
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Who's to blame for Prince Charles becoming
0:02:10 > 0:02:11a professional hurling player?
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Did you see that today? Prince Charles...
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Clearly from a Protestant, cos there's no such thing
0:02:16 > 0:02:17as a professional hurling player.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:26 > 0:02:27So, what is our first question tonight?
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Who do you blame for broken relationships?
0:02:30 > 0:02:31Now, at election time,
0:02:31 > 0:02:34most political candidates get a photo of themselves in which
0:02:34 > 0:02:39they try to look vaguely intelligent and not at all creepy and needy.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42In a break with this tradition, Mike Nesbitt...
0:02:42 > 0:02:44LAUGHTER
0:02:44 > 0:02:47..got his picture taken on the floor of the Stormont Hotel.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Political sources say, yes, the photo is embarrassing,
0:02:52 > 0:02:55but still not quite as embarrassing as the time Mike urged
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Ulster Unionists to vote for the SDLP.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02The Ulster Unionist Party has not broken off relationships with Mike.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05They said Mike will not be formally disciplined,
0:03:05 > 0:03:07although at their next meeting he might get a carpeting.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09LAUGHTER
0:03:11 > 0:03:15However, the DUP and the UUP have broken relationships -
0:03:15 > 0:03:17their plans for an election pact have fallen through.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20They were hoping to maximise the pro-union vote
0:03:20 > 0:03:22in a pact codenamed OKTFO.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Operation Keep The Fenian Out.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:32 > 0:03:33But...
0:03:34 > 0:03:37..who can we blame for broken relationships?
0:03:37 > 0:03:39It was a big story. The broken relationship was,
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Mike Nesbitt and his relationship
0:03:41 > 0:03:44with gravity broke down dramatically, and...
0:03:44 > 0:03:45The picture!
0:03:45 > 0:03:48The picture is interesting, because there's so many ways...
0:03:48 > 0:03:50- Mike has said... - Can we see the picture?
0:03:50 > 0:03:52I think we have the picture.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55But there's two women and the question is,
0:03:55 > 0:03:57were they sitting on Mike or...?
0:03:57 > 0:03:59And I think they're trying to help Mike up.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02Who hasn't had the carpet jump up and headbutt them?
0:04:04 > 0:04:07And the fact that he has said nothing means that we have
0:04:07 > 0:04:11a right to fill in the blanks, and what has actually happened...
0:04:11 > 0:04:14What would you suggest maybe has happened with this picture?
0:04:14 > 0:04:16He's found Islam.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18LAUGHTER
0:04:20 > 0:04:22APPLAUSE
0:04:22 > 0:04:23McGarry?
0:04:24 > 0:04:28He's lost a contact lens? He's a carpet inspector?
0:04:29 > 0:04:31I think it all can be explained -
0:04:31 > 0:04:34somebody has just Photoshopped out the Twister mat.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37LAUGHTER
0:04:37 > 0:04:40But the dumping thing, going back to the dumping thing,
0:04:40 > 0:04:44the DUP and the UUP, it's over, and Arlene dumped wee Swann.
0:04:45 > 0:04:49And this is what happens - women dump men, statistically.
0:04:49 > 0:04:50Heartless bitches.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53No, it's usually women dump men,
0:04:53 > 0:04:58and the most cruel one I have ever come across, some girl texted
0:04:58 > 0:05:03her boyfriend, "Hi, pet, would you like me to do a magic trick?"
0:05:03 > 0:05:05"Absolutely. Is there pictures?"
0:05:06 > 0:05:09"Kazam, you're single." "You heartless bitch."
0:05:10 > 0:05:11HE SOBS
0:05:12 > 0:05:14But we all use the same language.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17It's always the same terms people use when they're dumping,
0:05:17 > 0:05:19whoever's dumping anybody, and it's...
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Let me translate these for you. Now, one is,
0:05:21 > 0:05:24"It's not you, it's me."
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Translate it - "It's you!"
0:05:30 > 0:05:32"We've grown apart."
0:05:32 > 0:05:35"I've grown up, you're still a child!"
0:05:35 > 0:05:40The one that gets me - "Let's remain friends and stay in touch."
0:05:40 > 0:05:43"I've just moved house, changed my name and my telephone number,
0:05:43 > 0:05:45"you freak!"
0:05:46 > 0:05:47The Canadian service does it for you -
0:05:47 > 0:05:50these Canadian two boys set up The Breakup Shop,
0:05:50 > 0:05:54- where you give them six quid and they'll break up for you.- Six quid?
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Six quid's all it takes, they'll send the text saying
0:05:56 > 0:06:00"it's not you, it's me, let's remain friends", whatever it is.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03But I'll tell you what does annoy me over the last couple of weeks
0:06:03 > 0:06:06is the media seem absolutely obsessed on breaking up
0:06:06 > 0:06:09the relationship of the new French President, Emmanuel... What is it?
0:06:09 > 0:06:13- Macron. - ..Macron and his wife Brigitte,
0:06:13 > 0:06:15just because she's 24 years older than him.
0:06:15 > 0:06:19Yet the same media have said nothing about the fact that
0:06:19 > 0:06:22Donald Trump's wife, Melania?
0:06:22 > 0:06:24I called her Melanoma after, for a while.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28She's 24 years younger than Trump, do you know what I mean?
0:06:28 > 0:06:31And like most women will say about Brigitte, "Go on, you girl, ye!
0:06:31 > 0:06:34"Get..." And if there is any cougar out there...
0:06:35 > 0:06:38..who happens to be 24 years older than me...
0:06:39 > 0:06:40..I'm up for it.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43I said I'm up for it!
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Can you hear? I'm up for it!
0:06:45 > 0:06:47APPLAUSE
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Doesn't matter, doesn't matter.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54There was a brilliant expression online someone used about
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Mr Nesbitt, implying that possibly he had, you know,
0:06:57 > 0:06:59had a couple of lemonades.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02And their description of it was, a new one that I hadn't heard was,
0:07:02 > 0:07:05"He's as full as a bingo bus," which is just...
0:07:05 > 0:07:07LAUGHTER
0:07:07 > 0:07:10In fairness, at least Mike Nesbitt laid down on a carpet,
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Arlene Foster tried to sweep RHI under it.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15EXCLAIMS AND APPLAUSE
0:07:19 > 0:07:22Last time I got dumped was by a guy who was two years older than me,
0:07:22 > 0:07:26obsessed with Dungeons & Dragons and Lord Of The Rings, and he dumped me.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29- Whoa!- I haven't felt that uncool since my dad picked me up
0:07:29 > 0:07:30from school in a motor home.
0:07:30 > 0:07:34I once accidentally dumped a guy after a first date by text.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36I don't think there's any way this story's making it in
0:07:36 > 0:07:38- but I'm going to say it anyway. - This sounds good.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41Well, we went out for a date and we had a lovely time on the date,
0:07:41 > 0:07:42but there was this thing about him
0:07:42 > 0:07:45I found it really hard to get past it in my head, cos he had
0:07:45 > 0:07:49a laugh like the Count from Sesame Street, you know, "Ha-ha-ha."
0:07:49 > 0:07:51And the next day he sent me a little text and he said,
0:07:51 > 0:07:53"I had a lovely time last night. You've got a lovely smile."
0:07:53 > 0:07:55And I texted him back and I said,
0:07:55 > 0:07:57"I had a lovely time, you laugh like the Count."
0:07:57 > 0:07:59And when I looked back, I realised I'd left out the O, so...
0:07:59 > 0:08:01LAUGHTER
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Wow!
0:08:04 > 0:08:08- AS THE COUNT:- One broken heart. Two broken hearts.
0:08:08 > 0:08:09Ha-ha-ha.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12APPLAUSE
0:08:14 > 0:08:16The Breakups thing is an actual thing.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19I looked up their website, which is really, really bad now,
0:08:19 > 0:08:21because I've looked up the website and now that's on
0:08:21 > 0:08:23my browser history, which I can never, ever come out of.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Also, I can never get out of as well, is that, because these
0:08:26 > 0:08:29two things go together, is there's a white rhino that's put itself on...
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Well, it hasn't put itself on Tinder, but it's on Tinder.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35White rhino can't go on... "I'm going to put myself on Tinder."
0:08:35 > 0:08:38LAUGHTER
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Oh!
0:08:45 > 0:08:47No, he's the last one...
0:08:47 > 0:08:49If his paws, or his feet, are dextrous enough to hold
0:08:49 > 0:08:52a phone, why doesn't he use his other foot just to...?
0:08:54 > 0:08:56- He did it with his horn.- Why? - He did it with his horn.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58The horn is less, you know, manoeuvrable.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01- Why doesn't he just text like that? - He does that and then...
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Why would you text to see up, like...?
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Hope he's got the right number.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08- You need to be able to see what you're texting.- Blu-Tack.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11- Do that and then you're... - That's why he doesn't have a date!
0:09:11 > 0:09:13It's because he's doing that and he can't see what he's texting out.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Well, it's because he's being too obvious,
0:09:15 > 0:09:17because he's put in his profile, "horny".
0:09:17 > 0:09:21That's the problem. He's too needy.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Way too needy.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25But if we just say about Mike Nesbitt,
0:09:25 > 0:09:27you know you haven't done well in the local election,
0:09:27 > 0:09:30or in any election, if the most famous picture
0:09:30 > 0:09:33of your former leader is in the recovery position.
0:09:33 > 0:09:34I mean, just lying there.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Thank you, thank you very much for that.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Yes, in another broken relationship,
0:09:39 > 0:09:43the head of the FBI was sacked by President Trump.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46Yes, in a bid to draw attention away from his links to Russia,
0:09:46 > 0:09:50Donald Trump sacked the man investigating his links to Russia.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52Trump says the new head of the FBI must have guts,
0:09:52 > 0:09:55integrity and a reference from Vladimir Putin.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00In just a few months as President, Donald Trump has proven to be
0:10:00 > 0:10:04totally unpredictable and capable of literally anything.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07I mean, if I was to tell you that this week Donald Trump groped
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Angela Merkel, pushed Stephen Hawking in his wheelchair down
0:10:10 > 0:10:14a flight of stairs and played golf naked with Colin Murphy,
0:10:14 > 0:10:18you'd probably say, "Jeez, I didn't know Colin Murphy played golf."
0:10:18 > 0:10:20LAUGHTER OBSCURES SPEECH
0:10:20 > 0:10:22APPLAUSE
0:10:24 > 0:10:26So, what is our next question tonight?
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Our next question tonight is,
0:10:28 > 0:10:30who do you blame for the billionaire boom?
0:10:30 > 0:10:34Yes, a billionaire's super yacht docked in Belfast this week,
0:10:34 > 0:10:37which just goes to prove you can spend millions on a yacht
0:10:37 > 0:10:40but if you go cheap on your sat nav, you'll end up here.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42LAUGHTER
0:10:45 > 0:10:49The billionaire is a Russian oligarch called Alexei Mordashov.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52He's a bit like Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich - speaking of which,
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Alexei, if you want to buy Cliftonville Football Club,
0:10:55 > 0:10:56give me a shout.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59I think I can get you a good deal.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Also this week, Rory McIlroy signed a new golf equipment
0:11:02 > 0:11:08sponsorship deal said to be worth 100 million. 100 million!
0:11:08 > 0:11:11I'm not jealous. In fact, I'm just like Rory.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13If I say the name of my local butcher's,
0:11:13 > 0:11:15I get 100 free pork and leek sausages.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18But they won't let me on the BBC.
0:11:20 > 0:11:21Stanley's. Ahem!
0:11:21 > 0:11:22LAUGHTER
0:11:22 > 0:11:24APPLAUSE
0:11:27 > 0:11:31But who do you blame for the billionaire boom?
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Yeah, apparently there are more billionaires now than ever.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36That guy did, yes,
0:11:36 > 0:11:40that boat is owned by some Russian oligarch dude and...
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Was owned, it's up in North Belfast now.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44LAUGHTER
0:11:44 > 0:11:47- They were saying that he's been here before.- Has he?
0:11:47 > 0:11:51- Yeah, I think he's got a taste for Veda, cos this is the thing... - LAUGHTER
0:11:51 > 0:11:53If you're a billionaire, you're going to be sitting around going,
0:11:53 > 0:11:57"This caviar is nice, but it needs Veda, you know, it's just...
0:11:57 > 0:11:59"And so bring the boat."
0:11:59 > 0:12:01And off you go, and of course, everybody was out because
0:12:01 > 0:12:04it was all fellas, looking at a motor, you know what I mean?
0:12:04 > 0:12:05Loads of boys out taking photographs.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08"Look at that, there's a couple of engines on her and everything."
0:12:08 > 0:12:10And the Belfast Telegraph - it was in the Telegraph
0:12:10 > 0:12:12and all they did was give the details of the engines,
0:12:12 > 0:12:15the size of the motor on our boy, you know what I mean?
0:12:15 > 0:12:17"Some poke out of our boy, let me tell you."
0:12:19 > 0:12:25And, yeah, McIlroy, he got a sponsorship deal for 100 million.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28He's already got a sponsorship deal with Nike for 200 million
0:12:28 > 0:12:32and it's for clubs, balls and bags.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34LAUGHTER
0:12:37 > 0:12:40If anybody wants to sponsor mine, feel free.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43APPLAUSE
0:12:43 > 0:12:44I'm open to offers.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Companies with small names.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Belfast City Council's had a cost uproar, trying to save money.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Cos there's ways you can get rich - the way you can get rich is
0:12:55 > 0:12:57earn it in a big business, you can...
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Oh, communion, erm...
0:13:00 > 0:13:02It is the season. And, erm...
0:13:02 > 0:13:05I was surprised that one of the top 20 wasn't some wee girl from
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Newry with her communion money, do you know what I mean?
0:13:07 > 0:13:08But...
0:13:10 > 0:13:12That's cos she's keeping it offshore.
0:13:12 > 0:13:13Coming in at 24, Jean Morgan.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Belfast City Council got into trouble because they've brought in
0:13:17 > 0:13:21a new system for recycling cos apparently getting rid of food waste
0:13:21 > 0:13:26costs £800,000 a year, so we all have to put it in the brown bins.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29And basically, the City Council had said, "You've been told, right?
0:13:29 > 0:13:31"Put it in the brown bin. That's the end of it.
0:13:31 > 0:13:35"See if we see it in the black bin? You're dead. Dead!"
0:13:35 > 0:13:38And they give you this sticker that goes on the bin to warn you.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40A STICKER went on the bin.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43And I was out taking my bin in the other day and they'd put
0:13:43 > 0:13:46a sticker on my bin, and, yeah, there's a big STICKER on the bin.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49"Black bin is for..." Nobody knows what the black bin's for.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Nobody knows!
0:13:51 > 0:13:53It's for NOT FOOD, and...
0:13:55 > 0:13:57The brown bin is for food and...
0:13:57 > 0:14:00I have dog poo, what do you put it in?
0:14:00 > 0:14:01Does it go in a recycle bin?
0:14:01 > 0:14:05Right back up the dog, that'll teach him a lesson.
0:14:05 > 0:14:06But they're trying to save money.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09The other place they're getting money as well is in the graveyard
0:14:09 > 0:14:13and the cemeteries in Belfast. They're charging people, families...
0:14:13 > 0:14:18The headstones are loose and they're in danger of falling over,
0:14:18 > 0:14:20so the way they test this, right?
0:14:20 > 0:14:23City Council get this thing called a topple tester, this machine,
0:14:23 > 0:14:26and it comes in and they look at the headstone and they go,
0:14:26 > 0:14:28"Does that look safe to you?"
0:14:28 > 0:14:33"I don't know, er... Get the topple tester."
0:14:33 > 0:14:35And then the topple tester comes in,
0:14:35 > 0:14:38and what the topple tester does, it goes jiggle, jiggle, jiggle, jiggle.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42And then the headstone, which was perfectly fine,
0:14:42 > 0:14:45all of a sudden, "That's loose, that there, isn't it?"
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Basically, it's the machine equivalent of the Father Ted
0:14:50 > 0:14:53character that goes, "Shoddy, shoddy, shoddy."
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Because Belfast City Council have now created two jobs -
0:14:55 > 0:14:57they've created the weirdest job in the world,
0:14:57 > 0:14:59which is jiggling headstones,
0:14:59 > 0:15:03and basically, my favourite insult when I was a child, bin hoker.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05That is now a job!
0:15:05 > 0:15:07"What are you?" "I am an official bin hoker."
0:15:08 > 0:15:10To check that you haven't put food waste in your black bin,
0:15:10 > 0:15:13for not food, they'll open the bin.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16You know, they should have used topple tester on Jordan when
0:15:16 > 0:15:18she was getting the latest.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20You know when she goes in and gets... "I want bigger surgery".
0:15:20 > 0:15:24They should just go, "Hold on." Na-na-na-na-na, bump. "No. No."
0:15:24 > 0:15:26I think it may have been used on Mr Nesbitt.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29- I think that maybe is what happened. - Oh! Yes.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33APPLAUSE
0:15:35 > 0:15:38But that's the worst, stinkinest, rottenest job.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41They check bins, do you know what I mean? Who's...?
0:15:41 > 0:15:44Like, I was thinking, who are they going to get to check rubbish?
0:15:44 > 0:15:46There's 90 MLAs...
0:15:47 > 0:15:50..and they've been talking rubbish for 20 years.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53- But see that rich list, that rich list is... That is insane.- Mm-hmm.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Because you just know there's guys in Belfast going,
0:15:55 > 0:15:57"All right, we'll do them on the Monday."
0:15:57 > 0:16:00- LAUGHTER - "Tuesday OK? Tuesday?"
0:16:00 > 0:16:03The Sunday Times rich list is the Argos catalogue for kidnapping.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05That's what it is.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Because, like, you are not going to get abducted, like,
0:16:07 > 0:16:09I'm not going to get abducted.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11If somebody rang up and said, "We've kidnapped Neil,"
0:16:11 > 0:16:13and rang my wife and said, "We're going to cut bits off him,"
0:16:13 > 0:16:15she'd be like, "Start with his head."
0:16:15 > 0:16:16That's what she would...
0:16:18 > 0:16:19See the Holy Communion thing?
0:16:19 > 0:16:21That has gone mad, the commercialism.
0:16:21 > 0:16:22Like, imagine the commercialism...
0:16:22 > 0:16:24The Catholic Church being commercial? Jesus!
0:16:24 > 0:16:26That's ridiculous! But the wee girl...
0:16:26 > 0:16:28It's not so bad, the wee boy.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30In my day, in my day, I had a white shirt,
0:16:30 > 0:16:33a wee tie and a pair of shorts that cut the blood going to my toes.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36That's all I had, I had two sixpences at that was me.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39- And he was happy.- I was happy. - Chasing the hoop down the street.
0:16:39 > 0:16:43Wee girls, they're £1,000. £1,000 for the dress! £1,000.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46The best I've heard, this is true -
0:16:46 > 0:16:48the dress was so big the mother and the auntie had to help
0:16:48 > 0:16:51the wee girl up to the altar, right, to do the Holy...
0:16:51 > 0:16:54The priest does the job, gives her...
0:16:54 > 0:16:57She's wearing a headdress in the shape of a halo, right? Fair enough.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59- Oh, yeah. - Gives her the Holy Communion.
0:16:59 > 0:17:03Wee girl hits a special switch, the halo lights up!
0:17:03 > 0:17:05LAUGHTER
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Classy, classy.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Rory McIlroy, he's the richest sportsman under 30.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13I thought, sportsman?
0:17:13 > 0:17:16He plays golf! Golf isn't a sport, is it?
0:17:16 > 0:17:17You can't call something a sport if you're
0:17:17 > 0:17:21so unlikely to break into a sweat you can play it wearing a jumper.
0:17:21 > 0:17:22Surely that's not...
0:17:22 > 0:17:24If you can smoke while you're doing it, it's not a sport.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27- That's my rule, right? - Really?- Yeah. Snooker, not a sport.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30I recently... I hurt my back and I was...
0:17:30 > 0:17:33"Hold me fag." That's not a sport!
0:17:33 > 0:17:35I hurt my back recently and I was being treated at
0:17:35 > 0:17:37a sports injury clinic, right?
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Look at me, I've never done a sport in my life.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Nearest I've ever come to a sports injury is cutting my hand on
0:17:42 > 0:17:43a Lucozade bottle.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45I sat there in the waiting room and all these fit people are
0:17:45 > 0:17:48coming in with their track suits and trainers and I could see them
0:17:48 > 0:17:50all looking at me, like, "What sport was she doing?"
0:17:50 > 0:17:52See them think to themselves, "Oh, I know, darts."
0:17:55 > 0:17:56Again, not a sport.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Other way you can get rich is the lottery.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03Now, there's someone possibly from here, right?
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Who has won the Lotto in Donegal.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08- That's not from here.- No, it is.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12- Not from here.- They qualified. - It's a different country.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14You holiday in Donegal!
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Let the man finish.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19The middle classes love Donegal. It's in Downings.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Oh, my God, it's coming down with people.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24They even have pesto in this place!
0:18:24 > 0:18:26LAUGHTER
0:18:26 > 0:18:29And when you consider the place is called Mickey Joe's!
0:18:30 > 0:18:33It is the most Donegal, Mickey Joe Gallagher, isn't it?
0:18:33 > 0:18:35It's Mickey Joe, now!
0:18:35 > 0:18:36They got to roll him out for the news,
0:18:36 > 0:18:39"Oh, somebody's been fierce lucky, so they have."
0:18:39 > 0:18:42It's just the gentlest... Have you ever been to Donegal?
0:18:42 > 0:18:44They could murder you and you'd kind of enjoy it.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49"Ah, now, I'm just stabbing your carotid artery,
0:18:49 > 0:18:52"so you'll bleed out in about two minutes."
0:18:54 > 0:18:57- Night-night.- Night-night. Want some Ovaltine?
0:18:57 > 0:19:00# I just want to dance with you. #
0:19:02 > 0:19:05APPLAUSE
0:19:05 > 0:19:08The other way you can make money and save money, if you've got...
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Garda Intelligence.
0:19:11 > 0:19:15- If you've got... - Fox News.- Fox, oh, very good.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18If you've got any paper £5 notes, they are now worthless.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21- Well, the English ones are. - It's Bank of England ones, yes.
0:19:21 > 0:19:25The ones here, Jesus, there's boys photocopying them as we speak.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28APPLAUSE
0:19:28 > 0:19:31These are all right now, here's the big scissors.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33LAUGHTER
0:19:34 > 0:19:36But what's our next question tonight?
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Who do you blame for growing old disgracefully?
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Madonna, who is 58 years old,
0:19:42 > 0:19:45posted a photo of herself naked on Instagram.
0:19:45 > 0:19:50For anyone over 40, Instagram is a way of posting your photos online.
0:19:50 > 0:19:54Yes, Granny, you can put your snaps on the internet!
0:19:54 > 0:19:57For anyone under 40, Madonna is an old lady who used to sing a bit.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00LAUGHTER
0:20:00 > 0:20:02APPLAUSE
0:20:03 > 0:20:07Madonna is 58, which of course isn't that old.
0:20:07 > 0:20:11Mind you, on my 50th birthday, I was depressed and fed up and annoyed.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14And then I just turned off Stormont Today and I was fine.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19But who can we blame for growing old disgracefully?
0:20:19 > 0:20:22I love this Madonna story,
0:20:22 > 0:20:25cos I'm 40 and I wouldn't post a picture of me naked on social media.
0:20:25 > 0:20:29It's not that I'm prudish, I'm just too courteous to do that to people.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31You know, because I just find it...
0:20:31 > 0:20:36The whole thing about posting naked and sending naked pictures and...
0:20:36 > 0:20:39I mean, I don't know what to write in a birthday card,
0:20:39 > 0:20:41I couldn't send a sext. Do you know what I mean?
0:20:41 > 0:20:44Young people all sexting each other, that blows my mind,
0:20:44 > 0:20:47because when I was a teenager, if I wanted to leave a sexy message for
0:20:47 > 0:20:51a boy, I'd have to ring his landline and leave a message with his mum.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54It's a different world that we live in, and I think we should be,
0:20:54 > 0:20:58as we're getting older, embracing social media and things like that.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00You know, the Queen this week apparently has got...
0:21:00 > 0:21:03It's come out that she's got a Facebook account,
0:21:03 > 0:21:04which I think's brilliant.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06We need to, because loneliness in old age is a problem.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08You know, we're all living longer,
0:21:08 > 0:21:10we've got to worry about these things.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12There are so many 100-year-olds in the UK now the Queen's
0:21:12 > 0:21:15had to get a Moonpig account to keep up, right?
0:21:15 > 0:21:17LAUGHTER
0:21:19 > 0:21:21My nan, she's 93, my nanna, and she's brilliant.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24She's got a little laptop and she uses Skype to talk to her relatives.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26I mean, I won't Skype my nan, personally,
0:21:26 > 0:21:29it makes me too nervous, do you know what I mean?
0:21:29 > 0:21:31I can't tell if Skype's buffering or she's having a stroke.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37And there was an interesting study that's come out recently as well
0:21:37 > 0:21:40about old people drink way more than young people.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Young people just aren't...
0:21:42 > 0:21:45It's not a drinking culture any more and old people are knocking it back.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47And I thought, well, that explains a lot, doesn't it?
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Cos there we were, blaming frailty and dementia and being
0:21:50 > 0:21:54rubbish at driving on old age and they're all just pissed.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56I was at my nan's recently, I thought, I'll have a little whiff,
0:21:56 > 0:21:58see if I can, you know, smell any,
0:21:58 > 0:22:00but they're bringing a lot of smells to the party, aren't they?
0:22:00 > 0:22:03- It's difficult. So... - LAUGHTER
0:22:03 > 0:22:04And I don't know...
0:22:06 > 0:22:09..why they're obsessed with mince, you know.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11APPLAUSE
0:22:13 > 0:22:16Now, I don't know if you've been the day room of an old people's home
0:22:16 > 0:22:19recently, but it is frighteningly similar to a Wetherspoons.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22- Really?- Yeah. I thought, cut out the middleman,
0:22:22 > 0:22:24just put the old people straight into Wetherspoons.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26I don't know about your family, my family would be way more
0:22:26 > 0:22:29likely to visit me if they could get a pint for £2.50.
0:22:29 > 0:22:30That's a no-brainer.
0:22:30 > 0:22:31You've got to admire people who just get to
0:22:31 > 0:22:34a certain age and don't care any more.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37My dad's 81 and once described onesies as overalls for bastards.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40LAUGHTER
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Thank you, thank you very much for that.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Yes indeed, in a heart-breaking story, an elderly couple died
0:22:51 > 0:22:55side by side on the same day after 77 years together.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57It was very sad, but also romantic.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00My wife says, when it comes to my end of life,
0:23:00 > 0:23:02she intends to dress me up as the Pope
0:23:02 > 0:23:05and dump me on the Shankill Road on 11th July.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:11 > 0:23:13But what's our next question tonight?
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Who do you blame for blind faith?
0:23:15 > 0:23:20Stephen Fry was investigated by Garda for blasphemy for
0:23:20 > 0:23:23remarks he made about God on RTE two years ago.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26Stephen Fry said that if he met God, he would say,
0:23:26 > 0:23:29"How dare you create a world where there is such misery?"
0:23:29 > 0:23:32Of course, if anyone from Northern Ireland meets God,
0:23:32 > 0:23:35their first words will be, "Are you a Prod or a Taig?"
0:23:36 > 0:23:38But who can we blame for blind faith?
0:23:38 > 0:23:40So, this is quite a complicated story.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43So, Stephen Fry made these comments about God in 2015 and some person
0:23:43 > 0:23:46went into a Garda station in Ennis in County Clare and went,
0:23:46 > 0:23:48"I'd like to complain about somebody blaspheming," and the Garda
0:23:48 > 0:23:52presumably went, "Jesus Christ," and he went, "Well, make that two."
0:23:52 > 0:23:53LAUGHTER
0:23:53 > 0:23:56I don't know if you know this, but the Garda Commissioner
0:23:56 > 0:23:58is under a little bit of pressure at the moment.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00There's been a few weird things going on,
0:24:00 > 0:24:03like a million breath tests that were just made up.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05They still don't know... Made up.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08I was breathalysed by a unicorn in Dundalk once, right?
0:24:08 > 0:24:10So she went, "OK, we have to do this."
0:24:10 > 0:24:13But the reason the law exists in the first place is mad,
0:24:13 > 0:24:15because the Minister for Justice in 2009 basically was told -
0:24:15 > 0:24:17I think by the Attorney General -
0:24:17 > 0:24:19"The blasphemy's under constitution but there's
0:24:19 > 0:24:21"no legislation for it, so you're going to have to either have
0:24:21 > 0:24:25"a referendum that's really expensive, in 2009,
0:24:25 > 0:24:26"or you can write in the law."
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Like, you remember how broke the Republic of Ireland was?
0:24:29 > 0:24:31I was coming up here, doing this show, and you were just
0:24:31 > 0:24:34laughing at me at the border, throwing sterling at my face.
0:24:34 > 0:24:35I remember it! Do you remember?
0:24:35 > 0:24:37There was a picture of the Taoiseach
0:24:37 > 0:24:39on the front of the Trocaire boxes...
0:24:39 > 0:24:41LAUGHTER
0:24:42 > 0:24:46..an Ethiopian group of musicians had a concert to send money back
0:24:46 > 0:24:48to Ireland. So we were absolutely broke.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51So the idea of a minister ringing up the Taoiseach of the day, going,
0:24:51 > 0:24:54"Yeah, I know we're broke in 2009 and everybody's
0:24:54 > 0:24:57"negative equity and all the rest, yeah, but we're thinking of
0:24:57 > 0:25:00"having a referendum on a thing that nobody gives a shit about.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03"Oh, that's quite blasphemous, actually, what you said there.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05"Stick it up my...? I don't know if I can stick it up my..."
0:25:05 > 0:25:07So it's completely ridiculous.
0:25:07 > 0:25:11Like, it was a law invented but you can't really be done under,
0:25:11 > 0:25:12that's the idea of it.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15The other thing, by the way - blasphemy's making a comeback.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17The other thing that made a comeback this week is that beach.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Did you see the beach in Achill?
0:25:19 > 0:25:21So the beach just washed away in 1984
0:25:21 > 0:25:23and then just came back overnight.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26People go, "Oh, it's amazing, it washed away."
0:25:26 > 0:25:28It didn't - that's how bad the '80s were in Ireland -
0:25:28 > 0:25:30the beach emigrated to America.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32LAUGHTER
0:25:34 > 0:25:37That beach got a job as a bunker in a golf course in America
0:25:37 > 0:25:40and was making loads of cash money. It had a little life,
0:25:40 > 0:25:46it married a long-jump pit and they had five little sand bars together.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48And after 33 years, exactly 33 years -
0:25:48 > 0:25:50he knows it's exactly 33 years
0:25:50 > 0:25:52because his da used to work in an hourglass...
0:25:55 > 0:25:57The weird thing about the blasphemy thing, by the way,
0:25:57 > 0:25:59is if you grow up in the Republic of Ireland,
0:25:59 > 0:26:02you forget just how immersed in the Catholic Church it is.
0:26:02 > 0:26:06I was driving round my hometown the other day, I didn't realise
0:26:06 > 0:26:08all the street names are named after religious people.
0:26:08 > 0:26:12All of them, all after nuns or clergy or priests or saints or...
0:26:12 > 0:26:15Which makes me grateful that we don't do what Americans do...
0:26:15 > 0:26:17"Make a right on Lexington Avenue,"
0:26:17 > 0:26:19they go, "Make a right on Lexington."
0:26:19 > 0:26:22You can't do that if the street is named after somebody holy.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25"Where's good to party?" "Well, head straight up Sister Brendan and..."
0:26:25 > 0:26:27LAUGHTER
0:26:27 > 0:26:29- It's Armageddon this week.- Is it?
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Oh, my God, for culchies it's Armageddon -
0:26:32 > 0:26:33two religions collide this week.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Oh, yes. Oh, yeah!
0:26:35 > 0:26:37So what two religions collide? What is it?
0:26:37 > 0:26:41Balmoral Show and the North West 200.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43LAUGHTER
0:26:43 > 0:26:45APPLAUSE
0:26:47 > 0:26:49There are families...
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Carlsberg don't do culchie weekends, but if they did...
0:26:53 > 0:26:56There are families who are torn asunder as we speak.
0:26:56 > 0:27:00Arguments going, "I'm not going to the show, the North West's on."
0:27:00 > 0:27:01Oh, it's unbelievable.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03- Nesbitt is at it, as well, isn't he? - Is he?
0:27:03 > 0:27:07- Mike Nesbitt is at it, yeah, he's at the...- Which one? Both?
0:27:07 > 0:27:10- Probably both.- No. Well... No, he's at the Balmoral Show.
0:27:10 > 0:27:15Oddly enough, he's the perfect form to do a really quick North West 200.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17LAUGHTER
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Thank you, thank you very much for that.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22Just time now for a quick fire round.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24I will read you various newspaper headlines and I want you to be
0:27:24 > 0:27:27faster than a Massey Ferguson into the Balmoral Show.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Just wanted to see how big my arse is.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35LAUGHTER
0:27:37 > 0:27:39APPLAUSE
0:27:44 > 0:27:46Back to direct rule, then.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:27:55 > 0:27:57Does that look contagious?
0:27:57 > 0:28:00LAUGHTER
0:28:05 > 0:28:07Which one?
0:28:12 > 0:28:14Lurgan woman issues wedding list.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:20 > 0:28:22Frankly, tonight I'm relieved.
0:28:22 > 0:28:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:32 > 0:28:34That's it, ladies and gentlemen, that's the end of the show.
0:28:34 > 0:28:36Please show your appreciation to our panel -
0:28:36 > 0:28:40Colin Murphy, Angela Barnes, Jake O'Kane and Neil Delamere.
0:28:40 > 0:28:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:44 > 0:28:45I'm...
0:28:49 > 0:28:50I'm Tim McGarry. Until next time,
0:28:50 > 0:28:53don't blame yourselves, blame each other. Goodbye.
0:28:53 > 0:28:56APPLAUSE