0:00:29 > 0:00:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Hello, hello, and welcome to The Blame Game,
0:00:42 > 0:00:45the show that has more laughs than a chicken farmer has RHI boilers.
0:00:47 > 0:00:52I'm Tim McGarry and our regular, renewable panellists are of course Colin Murphy,
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Jake O'Kane, and Neil Delamere.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:01 > 0:01:05And our special guest tonight is a superb Scottish comedian.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07She's been on Russell Howard's Stand Up Central
0:01:07 > 0:01:08and 8 Out Of 10 Cats,
0:01:08 > 0:01:11and next week, you can see her at the Kilkenny Cat Laughs Festival.
0:01:11 > 0:01:15Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the fabulous Fern Brady!
0:01:15 > 0:01:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:21 > 0:01:24Now, on with the show. The audience ask the questions and our panel
0:01:24 > 0:01:26provide some very unreliable answers.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28So, what did you, the audience, ask us tonight?
0:01:28 > 0:01:30We have some nice questions here.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33"Who's to blame for this being my birthday present when it didn't cost her a penny?"
0:01:35 > 0:01:36LAUGHTER
0:01:36 > 0:01:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:42 > 0:01:45It's Paul B from North Belfast.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47- Over there, over there. - Where are you, Paul?
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Look, he's delighted with himself.
0:01:49 > 0:01:50LAUGHTER
0:01:52 > 0:01:56"Who's to blame for my husband making me watch it on TV rather than the radio?
0:01:56 > 0:01:58"I used to imagine Jake O'Kane was hot."
0:01:59 > 0:02:01LAUGHTER
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Who? Where?
0:02:05 > 0:02:07You've some imagination, I'll tell you.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09I look great on the radio.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12So, what is our first question tonight?
0:02:12 > 0:02:15Our first question tonight is - who do you blame for Belfast City Council?
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Yes, Belfast City Council has started a consultation
0:02:18 > 0:02:21on the appointment of an Irish language officer.
0:02:21 > 0:02:25It was pointed out that in Belfast, 70 different languages are spoken.
0:02:25 > 0:02:2670 languages.
0:02:26 > 0:02:3071 if you include Jake O'Kane's impression of people from North Belfast.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32LAUGHTER
0:02:32 > 0:02:36And the Council's new strategy of forcing people to put food waste
0:02:36 > 0:02:39in brown bins rather than black bins has been labelled a shambles.
0:02:39 > 0:02:43Good news, however - pretty soon, it will be a shambles in Irish as well as English.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46LAUGHTER
0:02:46 > 0:02:51The Council also recently refused to extend Sunday opening hours for Belfast City Centre shops.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54Shop workers objected to the extra opening hours,
0:02:54 > 0:02:58saying that Sunday was a special day when workers desperately wanted
0:02:58 > 0:03:00to spend precious time with their hangovers.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05But who do you blame for Belfast City Council?
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Yes, the whole language thing was a big thing this week.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12There was a march, I was going to say parade but it wasn't really a parade, it was a march.
0:03:12 > 0:03:16Parades are celebratory things, but marches are more sort of "ugh-ugh-ugh."
0:03:16 > 0:03:20And this one started in the Falls Road so it was very much "ugh-ugh-ugh."
0:03:20 > 0:03:22And they marched through the town.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25They wanted Irish language recognition for that.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29And then all these people, 6,000 people, apparently, turned up to it. It said in the paper 6,000 people.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32A lot of people came up from the south, because they needed
0:03:32 > 0:03:36people to understand what was being said in the speeches.
0:03:36 > 0:03:41And the people stood outside City Hall and listened to speakers speaking as Gaeilge
0:03:41 > 0:03:43and most of the crowd went...
0:03:44 > 0:03:46"Yaaaaay!"
0:03:46 > 0:03:49"An yeo!"
0:03:49 > 0:03:51- And erm... - LAUGHTER
0:03:53 > 0:03:56So many people turning off right now.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59- I'm turning off an tuluvizion. - LAUGHTER
0:04:01 > 0:04:03So, they are looking for the public
0:04:03 > 0:04:09to tell the City Council where they can use this new language officer they're going to employ,
0:04:09 > 0:04:14and they're going to be not just Irish language, there's going to be Ulster Scots as well,
0:04:14 > 0:04:16and as you say, the bins thing,
0:04:16 > 0:04:19I don't know what that is in Ulster Scots - kick bucket wi' wheels!
0:04:20 > 0:04:22LAUGHTER
0:04:22 > 0:04:26The City Council, total shambles, they told everybody last week,
0:04:26 > 0:04:28they put stickers on everybody's bins saying,
0:04:28 > 0:04:31"Don't be putting food in this, or I'm not picking it up!"
0:04:31 > 0:04:35And then everybody rang the council and said, "Well, can I have one of the little brown buckets
0:04:35 > 0:04:38"to put my food in?" and they says, "We don't have any of them."
0:04:38 > 0:04:40The City Council have been up to all sorts.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43The Sunday opening hours is another one, they didn't want that because they would have
0:04:43 > 0:04:46to redesignate Belfast as a holiday resort.
0:04:46 > 0:04:51Yeah, I'm sure you stepped off the plane, Fern, and you thought, "Ah, my holiday has begun."
0:04:51 > 0:04:54I had a walk around outside the hotel last night,
0:04:54 > 0:04:56but then I got frightened and just ran back.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00That was the party atmosphere.
0:05:00 > 0:05:04I know some Irish language, though, cos my gran lives on an island in Donegal
0:05:04 > 0:05:07where that's their first language.
0:05:07 > 0:05:11So I can say... In ainm an Athar, agus an Mhic, agus an Spioraid Naoimh, Amen.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:05:15 > 0:05:19We've recovered the viewers we lost earlier. Well done, there.
0:05:19 > 0:05:20And...
0:05:20 > 0:05:22SHE SPEAKS GAELIC
0:05:22 > 0:05:24I don't know if I'm saying that right.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27And magairli, which means balls, apparently.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30- No, mo liathroidi. - Oh, I thought it was magairli.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33No, it's mo liathroidi. I don't know why I know this.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37It was a big march, though. There was 4 or 5,000 people at this.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40There was a shot above it, and they all looked like little ants, knocking around.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Little protest ants. You've got to be careful how you pronounce that.
0:05:43 > 0:05:44LAUGHTER
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Not Protestants, protest ants.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52See, Irish is really popular.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56Prince Charles spoke it last week, when he met Michael D Higgins, President Michael D Higgins,
0:05:56 > 0:06:00and he said to him I believe, An Uachtarain agus Bean Ui hUiginn. Go raibh maith agaibh.
0:06:00 > 0:06:04Or something like that. Which of course is Irish for, "Please kill my ma, I want her job."
0:06:04 > 0:06:05LAUGHTER
0:06:08 > 0:06:10- Batman turned up. Did you see this? - No.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Batman turned up at the march. I didn't know Batman spoke Irish.
0:06:13 > 0:06:14But Batman, he was like...
0:06:14 > 0:06:16"Is mise Batman.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18"Acht na Gaeilge Anois."
0:06:18 > 0:06:22I mean, Bruce O'Wayne himself, to turn up.
0:06:22 > 0:06:23I didn't know he spoke Irish.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26I knew he was a shinner. I mean, it's obvious that Batman's a shinner.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29He wears a mask and he has a different name. Come on.
0:06:29 > 0:06:30LAUGHTER
0:06:35 > 0:06:38I was trying to look up wheelie bin in Ulster Scots.
0:06:38 > 0:06:42- And there's an online Ulster Scots dictionary that I found.- Really? - Yeah.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44But it only goes to A.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46LAUGHTER
0:06:46 > 0:06:49Genuinely. It only goes to A. So I did find out what accordion is.
0:06:49 > 0:06:53- Accordion is...- Squeezey-box. - Squeeze-box. Melodeon.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Or this was the one -
0:06:55 > 0:06:57come-tae-me-go-aff-me.
0:06:59 > 0:07:03- To me, to you, to me, to you. - Oh, the Chuckle Brothers.
0:07:03 > 0:07:04Wax on, wax off, wax on, wax off.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09But, do you know what we used to do? When I was in national school,
0:07:09 > 0:07:12the Irish teacher would always Gaelicise your name. Right?
0:07:12 > 0:07:16Which is fine for your name. So Murphy would be Murchadh. Brady would be O Bradaigh I think.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19And O'Kane would be O Cathain.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23- Whey! Well done.- But you can't do that with Delamere, it's a French name.
0:07:23 > 0:07:27How difficult is that now, with the immigration that has come into the country since I was in school?
0:07:27 > 0:07:29"What's your name?" "Laszlo Copernicus." "OK..."
0:07:29 > 0:07:30LAUGHTER
0:07:32 > 0:07:35"Eh, eh, we'll call you Seamus.
0:07:35 > 0:07:39"What's your name?" "Mohammed Bilal..." "OK...
0:07:39 > 0:07:42"Sean will go for you. What's your name?"
0:07:42 > 0:07:44"Gregory Campbell." "Oh, we have a name for you."
0:07:44 > 0:07:46LAUGHTER
0:07:48 > 0:07:52Irish is a beautiful language, but I don't know how you were taught it.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54I was taught by a very brutal Irish language teacher.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57He used to put a metal bin on your head and whack it with a hurl.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02If you got a question wrong, he'd just bang you on the head.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04On the first day we were taught Irish, he said,
0:08:04 > 0:08:08"Boys, I'm going to instil in you a love of the Irish language."
0:08:08 > 0:08:11The only thing he instilled in me was tinnitus.
0:08:12 > 0:08:17Well, at the very least... I went to a Catholic school, they did that at 12 and six,
0:08:17 > 0:08:18which in fairness...
0:08:19 > 0:08:21- Bong! - LAUGHTER
0:08:21 > 0:08:24That's a very Protestant audience.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27They didn't even try to teach me Irish, they tried to teach me Italian.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30And I had a Tipperary or something, or Kerry teacher.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33And he said, spell the Italian for "many".
0:08:33 > 0:08:37And I knew many, I knew what many was in Italian.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40And I give him it. He bate the shite out of me.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43He was saying, mini - M-I-N-I. He couldn't speak English
0:08:43 > 0:08:47and he was bating me for not being able to speak Italian.
0:08:47 > 0:08:52- And you wonder why I'm aggressive. - Yeah, that is the reason, probably, all right, yeah(!)
0:08:54 > 0:09:00- ENGLISH ACCENT:- In Bath, in England, they are terribly disconcerted about the bins.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02They were given these bins.
0:09:02 > 0:09:06- Somewhere in England.- It was in Bath, and they're terribly...
0:09:06 > 0:09:09"Blah-blah-blah-blah."
0:09:09 > 0:09:10And they were given bins,
0:09:10 > 0:09:12and they thought, "No, we're not having these."
0:09:12 > 0:09:15And they genuinely said, "Our gardens are too pretty."
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Oooooh!
0:09:18 > 0:09:21That's the thing, here, everybody is more practical about it.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23- "Bin? That's a good big bin, that. That's brilliant." - LAUGHTER
0:09:25 > 0:09:29"I'm going to put that at the front door, it'll be handy. People will see it when they're coming in.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32"Look, we've got three bins, we've got three."
0:09:32 > 0:09:34"Recycling." "You've no garden, you shut up."
0:09:36 > 0:09:38It's aspirational here, do you know what I mean?
0:09:38 > 0:09:40The auld bins were the best. Tin bins.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Tin bins are a musical instrument.
0:09:43 > 0:09:44"Come on!"
0:09:44 > 0:09:45LAUGHTER
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Remember them?
0:09:47 > 0:09:48- "Come on!" - APPLAUSE
0:09:51 > 0:09:52Thank you very much for that.
0:09:52 > 0:09:56Yes, indeed, an Irish Language Act is still controversial.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59Unionists claim that an Irish Language Act could cost £100 million a year
0:09:59 > 0:10:04and that money is of course desperately needed to pay for giant saunas for chickens.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08So, what's our next question tonight?
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Who do you blame for political promises? Yes, on 8 June
0:10:11 > 0:10:15the people of Northern Ireland will be heading to the polling stations yet again,
0:10:15 > 0:10:18like a dog returning to its own sick.
0:10:18 > 0:10:19LAUGHTER
0:10:22 > 0:10:23APPLAUSE
0:10:27 > 0:10:33Sinn Fein election candidate Michelle Gildernew says, if elected, she will demand speaking rights
0:10:33 > 0:10:34in the Irish Parliament.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Just for Fern's benefit, can I just explain?
0:10:36 > 0:10:40Michelle Gildernew is standing for election to the British Parliament, but if elected
0:10:40 > 0:10:43to the British Parliament, won't speak in the British Parliament,
0:10:43 > 0:10:46but wants to speak in the Irish Parliament even though she can't speak in the Irish Parliament,
0:10:46 > 0:10:49cos she hasn't stood for the election in the Irish Parliament and therefore
0:10:49 > 0:10:53wants to be elected to the British Parliament in order to speak in the Irish Parliament
0:10:53 > 0:10:54that she won't be elected to.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:10:58 > 0:11:02And the sad thing is, that makes a lot of sense to us.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05But who can we blame for political promises?
0:11:05 > 0:11:09She's very funny, I have to say. It's all happening in that part of Northern Ireland.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12In Fermanagh and South Tyrone there.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Barry McElduff, I have to say hello to him, he is the MLA for Tyrone.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16He's in the news for two reasons.
0:11:16 > 0:11:20One, his daughter won the Rose of Tyrone competition.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23He's a Sinn Fein TD, or, Sinn Fein MLA, my apologies.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25So, she won't be taking up her seat.
0:11:25 > 0:11:30She won't go to Tralee. She's just going to represent Tyrone from Tyrone.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33She is also the only person connected with Sinn Fein
0:11:33 > 0:11:35who is happy to wear a sash and a crown.
0:11:35 > 0:11:36LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Michelle Gildernew has asked for speaker's rights in the Dail
0:11:46 > 0:11:49even though she's going for the Westminster elections, which I don't...
0:11:49 > 0:11:53It's not like a gym membership, like, "Oh, yes, if you join, you can use any of our parliaments
0:11:53 > 0:11:55"that are scattered all around the world."
0:11:55 > 0:11:58That's not how it works.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01McElduff is in the news for another brilliant reason. Did you see the video he did?
0:12:01 > 0:12:03It's had 60,000 views or something.
0:12:03 > 0:12:08So, he did a video in Stormont, going, "I am in the Sinn Fein side of Stormont.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11"But the vending machine..." Cos they're engaging in serious work(!)
0:12:11 > 0:12:15"..the vending machine I want to go to is deep in DUP territory."
0:12:15 > 0:12:17And it's like Mission Impossible.
0:12:17 > 0:12:18HE SINGS THEME TUNE
0:12:19 > 0:12:24And he went, "That is Pam Cameron's door. She is a DUP MLA. I'll pass that."
0:12:24 > 0:12:26And he's just panicking... He was on a mission.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28- Was he on his hands and knees? - No, he wasn't doing that.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30It would have been better if he was doing that.
0:12:30 > 0:12:34He went up to the vending machine to get a Snickers bar. And he bought a Snickers bar.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36I was surprised the shinners ate a Snickers bar.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38I mean, I know they don't eat Bountys since the partition.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42They used to eat them in the old days.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44But a Snickers is a Marathon.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48And a marathon is a race that is 26 miles long. That is not acceptable.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50A republican marathon would be 32 miles long.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52LAUGHTER
0:12:52 > 0:12:55- You'd run 26 miles, and another six miles after that. - APPLAUSE
0:12:56 > 0:12:58You can do this with all the political parties.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01Alliance are Viscount biscuits.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Some of them are green, some of them are orange,
0:13:04 > 0:13:09it doesn't matter, it's all of us working together to improve the chocolate quality for everybody.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12Labour in the UK are like a Chocolate Orange.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15- Very nice. Erm... - LAUGHTER
0:13:17 > 0:13:20If you attack it at all, it splits into about 25 different parts.
0:13:20 > 0:13:25And the Ulster Unionists here are kind of like a Toblerone in that they're kind of rich
0:13:25 > 0:13:28and upper-class, but their peaks are much further apart than they used to be.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30LAUGHTER
0:13:30 > 0:13:34Did you see the Lib Dems have promised to legalise cannabis?
0:13:34 > 0:13:38- Oh, yes.- I don't buy it. I mean, Tim Farron's very squeaky clean
0:13:38 > 0:13:42and a Christian, and it just feels like when your parents get divorced
0:13:42 > 0:13:45and your dad has a mild breakdown and to get you on his side,
0:13:45 > 0:13:49- he starts letting you eat ice cream for dinner. - LAUGHTER
0:13:49 > 0:13:51So, you favour him over nasty Mummy to raise you.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57Have some self-respect, Tim. This isn't you. It's just such a boring...
0:13:57 > 0:13:59You know, he's just doing it to get votes.
0:13:59 > 0:14:03But the young people. He thinks, "The young people will vote for me if we could all
0:14:03 > 0:14:05- "have a spliff of mari-juayna." - LAUGHTER
0:14:05 > 0:14:09"And get high as kites and eat biscuits. Mmm!"
0:14:09 > 0:14:12See, since that dementia tax news came out,
0:14:12 > 0:14:14my mum's really worried about getting dementia.
0:14:14 > 0:14:20She went, "If this comes into place, Fern, just kick me down the stairs when the time comes."
0:14:20 > 0:14:23I went, "Mum, we don't have to wait for that time to come.
0:14:23 > 0:14:24LAUGHTER
0:14:26 > 0:14:28"I need a deposit for a house now."
0:14:29 > 0:14:32My dad, in a separate conversation, "Fern, when the time comes,
0:14:32 > 0:14:37"if I get dementia, just leave me down in the driveway and drive over me with a car."
0:14:37 > 0:14:43Why don't you do one parent against the other, like two parents enter, one parent leaves?
0:14:43 > 0:14:45Like UFC for parents.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48But there's a flaw in this argument, you see.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52- Because they haven't thought this through.- Which?- In the dementia tax thing.
0:14:52 > 0:14:58The plan that they're putting forward is that your house in the future,
0:14:58 > 0:15:01you wouldn't have to pay anything, they wouldn't take the home away from you...
0:15:01 > 0:15:05- May I ask one question?- What?- Should we be talking like this while he's here?
0:15:05 > 0:15:07LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:07 > 0:15:11I think this is off. It's not working. It's not working.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13APPLAUSE
0:15:13 > 0:15:18Holly "I'm lovely" Willoughby has got a FLEG outside her house.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21She lives in some big mansion in the south of England and she's got this FLEG
0:15:21 > 0:15:23and she's got a flagpole and the whole thing going on
0:15:23 > 0:15:26outside her house and the neighbours are not happy.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29It is lowering the tone. And they want her to take the fleg down.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31LAUGHTER
0:15:31 > 0:15:34Willie Frazer outside her house, that's what she wants, that'll get the flag down.
0:15:34 > 0:15:35LAUGHTER
0:15:37 > 0:15:40- "I'm here to support you on your flag protest." - LAUGHTER
0:15:41 > 0:15:44There is one in Donegal as well, isn't there? Aw, he's brilliant.
0:15:44 > 0:15:49He is brilliant. I love that man. We visited him and he owns a guesthouse and he puts
0:15:49 > 0:15:51the Union flag up every time.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Whatever the majority of the guests are. So if there's Americans,
0:15:53 > 0:15:55he'll put the American flag up.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58And he's put the Union flag up and the advertising, they want to boycott him.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00They're going to burn him out.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04Sandy Row's going to move up here next week. It's brilliant.
0:16:04 > 0:16:05And he doesn't care.
0:16:05 > 0:16:10The only one that is worse is when he puts the Israeli flag up. That's when he gets in worse trouble.
0:16:10 > 0:16:14- How many Israeli visitors does he have?- He does, yeah.
0:16:14 > 0:16:15"Let's go to Bundoran."
0:16:16 > 0:16:21"We are from Tel Aviv, the great Mediterranean party city with the best nightclubs in the world,
0:16:21 > 0:16:25"but I think maybe let's go to see Daniel O'Donnell sing."
0:16:26 > 0:16:29Can I just point out, 90 cruise ships come to Belfast every year.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32Who the hell is coming to these places and there's not even Sunday opening,
0:16:32 > 0:16:35because the council knocked it back.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37But there's nothing to do. One of those ships is arriving this Sunday.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40Who is going on this cruise? Do you know what I mean?
0:16:40 > 0:16:44- GERMAN ACCENT:- "Where are you going on your holidays, Hans?" "I'm going to Belfast this year.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48"I need a new cover for my iPhone, so I'm going to the CastleCourt Centre. Marvellous."
0:16:48 > 0:16:50LAUGHTER
0:16:50 > 0:16:52"Oh, Hans, that's very exciting.
0:16:52 > 0:16:57"I have a whole tour of all the shopping centres all over Northern Ireland."
0:16:57 > 0:16:59"Are you going to the Buttercrane?"
0:16:59 > 0:17:00"Yes, I will be going to Buttercrane.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03"Also, Buttercrane not the only shopping centre in Newry.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06- "Also shopping at The Quays shopping centre."- "The Quays!"
0:17:06 > 0:17:10"Then I will go off to Derry/Londonderry, cos I have to be very politically correct.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12"I'm from Berlin, but they have kept the wall."
0:17:12 > 0:17:14LAUGHTER
0:17:14 > 0:17:18"And then I will buy some green diesel on one side of the border, I don't know which.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22- "Oh, it's very exciting." - "Are you going to transport the green diesel back onto the boat?"
0:17:23 > 0:17:27"Oh, in little bottles with all your eggs in the top of them.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30"It's a souvenir in the museum in Newry."
0:17:30 > 0:17:31LAUGHTER
0:17:33 > 0:17:37Why are you so camp when you're a German?
0:17:37 > 0:17:38I can't, I can't do it.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:40 > 0:17:42With an accent, I can't stop myself.
0:17:42 > 0:17:46- We cannot do just straightforward German.- Straight German, it has to be camp.
0:17:46 > 0:17:51And no matter what we start with. I could say, "Yeah, I lifted a fridge today."
0:17:51 > 0:17:52And then once you go...
0:17:52 > 0:17:55- CAMPLY:- "It's as light as a feather."
0:17:55 > 0:17:58"I did not even defrost it. It was amazing."
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Thank you, thank you. Thank you very much for that.
0:18:00 > 0:18:05Yes, even if elected, Sinn Fein refuse to take their seats in Parliament.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07It's called abstentionism.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10This used to be a purely Sinn Fein policy, but a few months ago we elected 90 MLAs
0:18:10 > 0:18:12and they're all at it now. LAUGHTER
0:18:14 > 0:18:15And what's our next question tonight?
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Who do you blame for dodgy claims?
0:18:18 > 0:18:23It's claimed that new green packaging for cigarettes will reduce the number of smokers.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26Apparently, the colour green puts people off things.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30Ah! That's why Unionists refuse to vote for Sinn Fein.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32But who can we blame for dodgy claims?
0:18:34 > 0:18:37The government thing about the smoking, I'm not too sure, because they've got this thing,
0:18:37 > 0:18:40it's all plain packaging and they've got these pictures,
0:18:40 > 0:18:43horrific pictures of what smoking will do to you.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46I was behind a wee woman in the shop there last week,
0:18:46 > 0:18:49a wee old-age pensioner, and it hasn't worked out.
0:18:49 > 0:18:53"Right, son, I want the one with the man with no toes."
0:18:53 > 0:18:58LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:03 > 0:19:05And the shop assistant started going, "No, no, it could be you."
0:19:05 > 0:19:09"No, the one with no toes on. I'm 72. I'm not walking anywhere soon.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11"Just give me the one with no toes. Lovely wee smoke."
0:19:13 > 0:19:15The other one's the RHI, the RHI claimants.
0:19:15 > 0:19:21- The whole claim thing and was it half a billion or 500...? - Well, £490 million.
0:19:21 > 0:19:25It makes all the difference. So, they're up in arms, cos the whole list was published this week
0:19:25 > 0:19:28of the RHI claimants and they're all out, the RHI claimants saying it's disgraceful.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32"It is disgraceful that our names have been put out in the public"
0:19:32 > 0:19:33and they're saying because...
0:19:33 > 0:19:37And then I'm wondering why. Because they're saying it's all legit, so why would you bother?
0:19:37 > 0:19:41They have a point. They say they want civil servants who put the whole scheme together.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44They want their names published. Where will this end?
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Where will this end?
0:19:46 > 0:19:50The next thing they'll be wanting political parties telling us
0:19:50 > 0:19:51who's subsidising them.
0:19:51 > 0:19:52LAUGHTER
0:19:54 > 0:19:58- Ooh, can't have that.- An ordinary, open democracy. Like, who wants that?
0:19:58 > 0:20:02Andytown, what they're doing is, Andytown Leisure Centre is being knocked down
0:20:02 > 0:20:05and they're rebuilding it, but they are putting a water park in it.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08Putting water slides, water slides everywhere.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Water slides all over the place.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12"In the leisure centre, water slides."
0:20:13 > 0:20:18And the thinking is this'll encourage people to go to the leisure centre and it
0:20:18 > 0:20:22will make people fit and you're going, "It's a slide."
0:20:22 > 0:20:25- You can actually vape while you're doing this. - LAUGHTER
0:20:26 > 0:20:28People going "Woahhh, splash!"
0:20:28 > 0:20:31"That was brilliant, I'm away up again."
0:20:31 > 0:20:35It's climbing a ladder and going down a slide, that's all it is.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38People like certain smoking, though. My dad smokes a pipe and people love
0:20:38 > 0:20:40an auld lad who smokes a pipe.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44See, what it is is, in a world of constant change, my friends,
0:20:44 > 0:20:46it's something you expect an auld lad to do.
0:20:46 > 0:20:50Auld lads smoke pipes. Old women wear furry hats at some point. Do you ever see that?
0:20:50 > 0:20:55They get to about 70 and go, "Do you know what would look good on me? Roadkill."
0:20:55 > 0:20:59The pipe embers burn everything he has ever owned in terms of clothes.
0:20:59 > 0:21:04I handed him a pair of trousers at Christmas. I turned around again and there's an 80-year-old
0:21:04 > 0:21:05in fishnet tights.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07LAUGHTER
0:21:07 > 0:21:09He looks like Cher.
0:21:09 > 0:21:13He looks like this half is going to Lourdes and this half is going to the Rocky Horror
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Picture Show.
0:21:15 > 0:21:16He doesn't care.
0:21:16 > 0:21:21- Oh!- A couple of years ago... - No, no, no. You had a friend in Dublin who was a fireman.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23- Do you remember you told me the story?- Oh!- This is a good story.
0:21:23 > 0:21:27This guy, he was a fireman and a guy was driving along
0:21:27 > 0:21:29and hit this taxi, right?
0:21:29 > 0:21:32The taxi was grand. He tipped him like that, barely tipped him,
0:21:32 > 0:21:38and the taxi driver went, "Oh! Me neck! Jesus, me neck is on the ground, oh, no.
0:21:38 > 0:21:44"I'm looking like Charles II or something here, or the first, I can never remember which.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46"Oh, look, My neck is all over the place." Whiplash, right?
0:21:46 > 0:21:49The Fire Brigade knew it was a false claim.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51He went, "It's whiplash." He goes, "Really?"
0:21:51 > 0:21:54"OK, right, stay where you are, we're going to have to take the top off your car."
0:21:54 > 0:21:58- And they got the jaws of life and cut the top off his car. - LAUGHTER
0:21:58 > 0:22:01APPLAUSE
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Was he not like, "Oh, no, it's all right, I'm only messing?"
0:22:06 > 0:22:09"Your man's after Mr Spockin' it back into place, I'm grand, I'm grand."
0:22:09 > 0:22:12And he was, "No, no, no, we're going to have to take it off the car.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14"Clink, clink, clink. "You have a convertible, good luck."
0:22:14 > 0:22:17LAUGHTER
0:22:17 > 0:22:18APPLAUSE
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Thank you very much for that.
0:22:21 > 0:22:22So, what's our next question?
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Who do you blame for perfect pictures?
0:22:25 > 0:22:29Yes, there were wonderful pictures of people at Pippa Middleton's wedding
0:22:29 > 0:22:31in all the newspapers apart from the Irish News.
0:22:32 > 0:22:36The only way Pippa Middleton would make the Irish News is if she takes up camogie.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41The marquee at Pippa's wedding was said to cost £100,000.
0:22:41 > 0:22:46100 grand for one tent sounds a lot, but remember this is Northern Ireland.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48We spent 21 million on a caravan at Twaddell Avenue.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50LAUGHTER
0:22:50 > 0:22:51APPLAUSE
0:22:56 > 0:23:01And this week there was also a superb picture of the Pope and Donald Trump.
0:23:01 > 0:23:06Yes, this week for the first time ever an orange man was in the Vatican.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:12 > 0:23:15But who can we blame for perfect pictures?
0:23:15 > 0:23:19There's pictures on Twitter of the Pope meeting every other world leader
0:23:19 > 0:23:21and he's so happy in every single picture.
0:23:21 > 0:23:25When he's with Trump he's like a toddler at a wedding.
0:23:25 > 0:23:30He looks like one of Pippa Middleton's badly behaved pageboys, actually.
0:23:30 > 0:23:35And then Melania and Ivanka were dressed as sort of twin Gothic bridesmaids
0:23:35 > 0:23:36at the wedding.
0:23:36 > 0:23:41Presumably cos the Pope kept signalling to Trump that they should go off
0:23:41 > 0:23:45and talk out of earshot of the reporters and I thought
0:23:45 > 0:23:51maybe that's cos it's the marriage of God and Satan, in the Pope and Trump.
0:23:51 > 0:23:52Something weird's going on.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Then Trump gave the Pope...
0:23:54 > 0:24:00No, the Pope gave Trump an olive branch as a gift and then Trump gave the Pope a load of books,
0:24:00 > 0:24:02cos he wasn't reading them.
0:24:02 > 0:24:03LAUGHTER
0:24:05 > 0:24:08You just know the Pope woke up that morning and went... "No!"
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Basically it's Donald Trump smiling
0:24:13 > 0:24:17and it's the Pope looking as if he's just had an enema.
0:24:19 > 0:24:23He even made a joke when he met Melania, he said, "What are you feeding him? Cake?"
0:24:23 > 0:24:25- Did he?- Yeah!
0:24:25 > 0:24:29- And then she looked at him and went... - HE LAUGHS
0:24:29 > 0:24:31She's not getting on with him.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Did you see the flip away?
0:24:33 > 0:24:36When he tried to hold her hand - she went "Get that away from me."
0:24:36 > 0:24:39That was the most West Belfast tap...
0:24:39 > 0:24:44"Don't you even think of coming near me. Dirty hellion!"
0:24:44 > 0:24:46She did it twice.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49Cos she flicked it away one time and the other time she actually fixed her own hair.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51I haven't seen that since I was a seven-year-old.
0:24:51 > 0:24:55Do you remember the whole "Whey!"
0:24:55 > 0:24:57That was so... There's nothing you can do to that.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00She knows he can't do it back, because he'll just disturb the comb-over.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02He'll go...like that.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05But he was at the top of stairs as well and she knows how much he doesn't like stairs.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08- I think she's trying to bump him off.- Yeah, she's brilliant.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Talking about perfect pictures,
0:25:10 > 0:25:15did you see there was a story this week where a man from Wexford got a scene
0:25:15 > 0:25:19of the town of Wexford tattooed across his stomach?
0:25:19 > 0:25:24Like his entire stomach. Which must have been really painful, growing up in Wexford.
0:25:24 > 0:25:25LAUGHTER
0:25:27 > 0:25:31The reason he got it was he's been away from Wexford for ten years,
0:25:31 > 0:25:34so it's like a reminder, cos he misses it.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37But that means when he looks at it it'll be upside down
0:25:37 > 0:25:41or he'll have to look at it in the mirror, hopefully not naked or he'll have
0:25:41 > 0:25:44nightmares about Wexford with genitals on its head.
0:25:44 > 0:25:45LAUGHTER
0:25:47 > 0:25:50I think it will be useful when he dies, cos they can turn
0:25:50 > 0:25:54him into a giant postcard and send him off very cheaply.
0:25:54 > 0:26:00Write his address on the back and stamp on his shoulder and jam him in a postbox.
0:26:00 > 0:26:04That's really poignant when he's dead as well. It's just like, "Wish you were here."
0:26:05 > 0:26:09What's the scene? Does he have like a roundabout round his bellybutton, that kind of thing?
0:26:09 > 0:26:11No, it's the bridge in Wexford.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14It's not even like a 14th- century bridge like Prague. It's just a '70s bridge.
0:26:14 > 0:26:18And also one of the struts goes into his belly button, so it looks structurally unsound as well.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20And if he ever get his appendix out,
0:26:20 > 0:26:24it looks like one of those bridges that splits, that's what it's going to look like.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26But if you're going to... I was thinking about this.
0:26:26 > 0:26:30If I was going to get a statue, Belfast has been good to me, I've been doing this show for ten years.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33If I was going to get a tattoo of a landmark, I think I'd get the Albert Clock
0:26:33 > 0:26:35- on a certain part of my body, right? - LAUGHTER
0:26:35 > 0:26:37No, because it also leans to the left
0:26:37 > 0:26:39and it also rhymes with Albert Clock.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41LAUGHTER
0:26:43 > 0:26:45- If I was... - LAUGHTER
0:26:45 > 0:26:51It's awful. You get girls getting these tattoos on the top of their bottoms,
0:26:51 > 0:26:53What do you call that? There's a thing.
0:26:53 > 0:26:58And it's all right when you're 18, but when they're going in for a hip replacement when they're 72
0:26:58 > 0:27:01and it's down round their knees, it's not going to look as nice.
0:27:01 > 0:27:02Well, Wexford is...
0:27:02 > 0:27:05Plus if you got a Wexford tramp stamp, some guy'd be pumping you
0:27:05 > 0:27:08and go, "Isn't there a Dixons there now?"
0:27:08 > 0:27:11LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:18 > 0:27:21Thank you very much for that. Just time for our quickfire round.
0:27:21 > 0:27:22I will read you various newspaper headlines
0:27:22 > 0:27:26and I want you to be faster than a tourist over Carrick-a-Rede Rope Bridge.
0:27:26 > 0:27:27LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:36 > 0:27:39"Right, before I drive over you with a car..."
0:27:39 > 0:27:40LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:41 > 0:27:43"Tell me where the will is."
0:27:47 > 0:27:48Just like your suit.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50AUDIENCE: Oh-h-h!
0:27:50 > 0:27:51APPLAUSE
0:27:56 > 0:27:58West Lothian.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00- That's where I'm from.- Oh!
0:28:00 > 0:28:01LAUGHTER
0:28:01 > 0:28:02East Lothian.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10Have you seen the 50-year-old men on this panel?
0:28:10 > 0:28:14LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:21 > 0:28:24I hope you enjoyed Fern Brady's last ever appearance on The Blame Game.
0:28:24 > 0:28:25LAUGHTER
0:28:29 > 0:28:31And are thrown off the Russian Olympic team.
0:28:33 > 0:28:34And finally...
0:28:35 > 0:28:36Grease is the word.
0:28:39 > 0:28:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:45 > 0:28:48That's it, ladies and gentlemen. That's the end of the show.
0:28:48 > 0:28:50Please show your appreciation to our panel, Colin Murphy,
0:28:50 > 0:28:53Fern Brady, Jake O'Kane and Neil Delamere.
0:28:53 > 0:28:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:58 > 0:28:59I'm...
0:28:59 > 0:29:01APPLAUSE
0:29:01 > 0:29:05I'm Tim McGarry. Until next time, don't blame yourselves, blame each other. Goodbye.
0:29:06 > 0:29:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE