9:01:36 > 9:01:40Hello, hello, and welcome to The Blame Game.
9:01:40 > 9:01:44You're more welcome than a Sinn Fein canvasser in Rathfriland.
9:01:44 > 9:01:45Yes, this is The Blame Game,
9:01:45 > 9:01:50the cutting-edge comedy show that's as funny as Jim Wells' Twitter feed.
9:01:50 > 9:01:54I'm Tim McGarry and our regular panellists are, of course, Colin Murphy,
9:01:54 > 9:01:56Jake O'Kane and Neil Delamere.
9:01:56 > 9:02:02APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
9:02:02 > 9:02:04And our special guest tonight is quite simply a comedy superstar.
9:02:04 > 9:02:08He made his first-ever TV appearance on The Blame Game.
9:02:08 > 9:02:11Since then he's become one of the most popular and best-loved
9:02:11 > 9:02:13comedians in Britain and Ireland.
9:02:13 > 9:02:15He's had sell-out arena shows, primetime TV programmes,
9:02:15 > 9:02:19he's raised millions for charity and he's about to embark on another mega
9:02:19 > 9:02:21arena tour called Winging It.
9:02:21 > 9:02:25Yes, it's Liverpool's favourite son, the Jurgen Klopp of comedy.
9:02:25 > 9:02:28Please give it up for the fabulous John Bishop.
9:02:28 > 9:02:31APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
9:02:36 > 9:02:38Now, on with the show.
9:02:38 > 9:02:40The audience asks the questions and our panel provides some very
9:02:40 > 9:02:45unreliable answers. So what questions have you the audience
9:02:45 > 9:02:46asked us tonight?
9:02:46 > 9:02:49Who's to blame for me having to use a fake e-mail to
9:02:49 > 9:02:50sign into the iPlayer to watch this
9:02:50 > 9:02:53so they can't find out I don't have a TV licence?
9:02:56 > 9:03:01Then he puts his name on it.
9:03:01 > 9:03:08Who's to blame for me being too starstruck to ask Jake O'Kane for a selfie?
9:03:08 > 9:03:09It's from John Bishop.
9:03:10 > 9:03:11I was too scared.
9:03:13 > 9:03:15Your first TV programme was actually on this.
9:03:15 > 9:03:19My first television programme ever was on this.
9:03:19 > 9:03:24And of the English comedians that come over I have a little bit of
9:03:24 > 9:03:27understanding of Northern Irish politics because I've been coming
9:03:27 > 9:03:29over here for 30 years.
9:03:29 > 9:03:33So I have a little understanding and I have to say, to me,
9:03:33 > 9:03:37it's glad that over the last ten years things have moved on so much.
9:03:39 > 9:03:42It's great to see you progressing so well.
9:03:42 > 9:03:45Honest to God, the Stormont Assembly is like a snowman to me,
9:03:45 > 9:03:50it looks magnificent and then you turn around and look back and it's just dissolved.
9:03:54 > 9:03:56So, what is our first question tonight?
9:03:56 > 9:03:59Who do you blame for electoral meltdown?
9:03:59 > 9:04:01Yes, next week we go to the polls.
9:04:01 > 9:04:05I'm not saying that the outcome is predictable but Northern Ireland voters
9:04:05 > 9:04:08are like lorry drivers speeding towards that low bridge in Banbridge.
9:04:10 > 9:04:14Yes, it's been so boring, it turns out that a special Northern Ireland
9:04:14 > 9:04:16election debate was on the car radio
9:04:16 > 9:04:19when Tiger Woods fell asleep at the wheel.
9:04:26 > 9:04:30But who can we blame for electoral meltdown?
9:04:30 > 9:04:33It isn't a meltdown. It's like a slow-onset coma.
9:04:34 > 9:04:38It is the most tedious bore. I don't have the adjectives for how much I hate it.
9:04:38 > 9:04:40I hate politicians, I hate elections.
9:04:40 > 9:04:43We're voting for the least incompetent.
9:04:43 > 9:04:45That's the best you'll get here, the least incompetent.
9:04:45 > 9:04:47Have you read the manifestos?
9:04:47 > 9:04:49It's very easy to summarise.
9:04:49 > 9:04:56The Unionists want to get you out of Europe but remain in the UK and
9:04:56 > 9:04:59the Nationalists want to get you to stay in Europe
9:04:59 > 9:05:01but out of the UK by a united Ireland.
9:05:01 > 9:05:06And the Alliance Party are going to make nice sandwiches with a cup of tea when it's all finished.
9:05:06 > 9:05:09LAUGHTER
9:05:12 > 9:05:14It's all about money, do you know what I mean?
9:05:14 > 9:05:15They can make whatever promises they want.
9:05:15 > 9:05:18The chickens have the money so it doesn't matter what's going on.
9:05:18 > 9:05:21We're stuffed. There's very little Gerry Adams this time.
9:05:21 > 9:05:24Gerry was always... Gerry can't get into a picture.
9:05:24 > 9:05:26"Would you like me in your picture?
9:05:29 > 9:05:32"Would you like me in your poster picture?
9:05:32 > 9:05:33"I'm not doing much down South."
9:05:33 > 9:05:37"No, Gerry, you're all right, son, walk away."
9:05:37 > 9:05:40Arlene Foster, she's running about like Basil Fawlty,
9:05:40 > 9:05:43"Don't mention RHI, don't mention RHI!"
9:05:43 > 9:05:45And everybody behind her is going...
9:05:45 > 9:05:47SQUAWKS LIKE A CHICKEN
9:05:48 > 9:05:53And the UUP and SDLP are like the two ugly brothers at the
9:05:53 > 9:05:58end of the dance who are desperate to pull anybody.
9:05:58 > 9:06:02They're just walking around, "Please vote for me, please vote for me,
9:06:02 > 9:06:04"don't make me beg, please vote for me."
9:06:05 > 9:06:09Don't you have, like, the mad ones, like the Monster Raving Loony Party?
9:06:09 > 9:06:10No, that's ALL ours.
9:06:14 > 9:06:15That's all ours.
9:06:16 > 9:06:18Do you see,
9:06:18 > 9:06:22if the Monster Raving Loony Party set up here they'd be taken seriously.
9:06:22 > 9:06:25People would be... "That boy makes a good point, there should be..."
9:06:25 > 9:06:28"No, no, no. Are you a Protestant Monster Raving Loony...
9:06:28 > 9:06:30"or are you a Catholic Monster Raving Loony?"
9:06:30 > 9:06:35Arlene Foster, in fairness, Arlene Foster wants a centenary celebration
9:06:35 > 9:06:39for the establishment of Northern Ireland in about... Is that four years, 1921?
9:06:39 > 9:06:42There's no actual date, that's the problem, there's no date when the state was actually set up.
9:06:42 > 9:06:44But in four years you could have a joint celebration between that
9:06:44 > 9:06:48and the new united Ireland, it's going to be brilliant.
9:06:48 > 9:06:51She wants a centenary forest as well,
9:06:51 > 9:06:52possibly for the wood pellets...
9:06:52 > 9:06:54But...
9:06:54 > 9:06:56She genuinely wants that.
9:06:56 > 9:07:00She says there will be no border poll in her lifetime.
9:07:00 > 9:07:04That's a challenge to boys, I'm telling you.
9:07:04 > 9:07:05When you say no border poll,
9:07:05 > 9:07:09no poll about having a border or no pole at the border,
9:07:09 > 9:07:11what do you mean by no pole?
9:07:11 > 9:07:15No vote on whether you want a united Ireland, so there'll be no vote.
9:07:15 > 9:07:16I think that was a Ukip policy.
9:07:16 > 9:07:19That's a Ukip policy, no Poles at the border!
9:07:26 > 9:07:31It's bad when the election in the UK is more exciting than the election here.
9:07:31 > 9:07:33Like, who are you going to vote for?
9:07:33 > 9:07:36Oh, fucking hell.
9:07:36 > 9:07:40Well, well, well, to be honest,
9:07:40 > 9:07:42I've always been a Labour voter and I like Jeremy Corbyn but he keeps
9:07:42 > 9:07:45bringing Diane Abbott out and you think,
9:07:45 > 9:07:48"Oh, for Christ's sake!"
9:07:50 > 9:07:53It's like somebody giving a five-year-old
9:07:53 > 9:07:56the responsibility of looking after a baby with a pair of scissors in
9:07:56 > 9:07:59their hand, you think, "Fucking put them down, Diane!"
9:07:59 > 9:08:03You have to look at it as well, the choice that we've got.
9:08:03 > 9:08:09The job says Prime Minister, "prime" is in the title,
9:08:09 > 9:08:13and you look at Theresa May and you look at Jeremy Corbyn,
9:08:13 > 9:08:16and you look at the guy who's just been voted as the French President,
9:08:16 > 9:08:21and if you stood him next to them it looks like he's out with his mum and dad.
9:08:21 > 9:08:23Neither of them are in their prime.
9:08:23 > 9:08:26If you see both of them walk, they're both like that.
9:08:26 > 9:08:29They should forget the election and have a race.
9:08:29 > 9:08:32LAUGHTER
9:08:35 > 9:08:38But they've started now with the handshakes,
9:08:38 > 9:08:40Macron, because Trump does...
9:08:40 > 9:08:44Give me your hand. Trump goes "Hello!"
9:08:44 > 9:08:46So the French guy, they got this death grip,
9:08:46 > 9:08:50and you could see their knuckles going...
9:08:50 > 9:08:53That's the leaders of the modern world we're talking about here.
9:08:53 > 9:08:56I mean, Donald Trump is one of those things, as you say,
9:08:56 > 9:09:00it makes you realise how stupid the rest of the world are.
9:09:00 > 9:09:06They've all been allowed a vote and I think there should be a test before
9:09:06 > 9:09:10anyone can vote, where you show them a picture of someone and go,
9:09:10 > 9:09:15"On a scale of one to ten how big a dickhead is that person?"
9:09:15 > 9:09:19And if you don't say Donald Trump is up in the tens, you can't vote.
9:09:19 > 9:09:22John, can I just point out, that's the reason why they put photographs
9:09:22 > 9:09:24on election posters here!
9:09:26 > 9:09:28In England you don't have photographs.
9:09:28 > 9:09:29Here we have photographs.
9:09:30 > 9:09:34On my first visit to Ireland, I kept thinking, "What is going on,
9:09:34 > 9:09:37"all these photographs?" And today I took a trip,
9:09:37 > 9:09:39I'd never been down that road,
9:09:39 > 9:09:41I went down the Newtownards Road today.
9:09:41 > 9:09:44Very colourful down there, isn't it?
9:09:44 > 9:09:46I'm telling you who's doing well,
9:09:46 > 9:09:49the photographer who takes those shit photographs.
9:09:49 > 9:09:51- Unbelievable.- None of them look good.
9:09:51 > 9:09:53They're the best those people can look.
9:09:53 > 9:09:55There were other ones that were rejected.
9:09:55 > 9:09:56Can you imagine the other ones?
9:09:56 > 9:09:58"Trust me with your future!"
9:10:02 > 9:10:05It's that sort of...look.
9:10:07 > 9:10:09The other ones, do you remember, do you know the ones,
9:10:09 > 9:10:11was it Jim Allister?
9:10:11 > 9:10:15You being a normal person and Jim Allister being in the background like that.
9:10:22 > 9:10:23Remember those?
9:10:26 > 9:10:29The boy in front always looked like he was being examined!
9:10:35 > 9:10:40Oh, so, like, this election, she's called this snap election,
9:10:40 > 9:10:43which is annoying because we've only just recovered from the Brexit.
9:10:43 > 9:10:45I don't know what it was like for you,
9:10:45 > 9:10:47how important the Brexit vote was here,
9:10:47 > 9:10:52because it's so confusing because you're sort of in and out of something anyway,
9:10:52 > 9:10:54and then we had it at home,
9:10:54 > 9:10:58and again, in England it's very sensitive,
9:10:58 > 9:11:02in Britain it's the Brexit vote,
9:11:02 > 9:11:04people get very tense about it and so I won't go on about it,
9:11:04 > 9:11:06but half of you are wrong.
9:11:07 > 9:11:1052% or 48?
9:11:12 > 9:11:15In our house, it became a big thing in our house, me and my missus,
9:11:15 > 9:11:17cos Mandy said to me, "What are you going to do?"
9:11:17 > 9:11:22I said, "I'm going to vote Remain, I'm going to vote in."
9:11:22 > 9:11:25I said, "What are you going to do?" She said, "I'm going to vote out."
9:11:25 > 9:11:27And in my head I thought, "You're just doing that for spite.
9:11:28 > 9:11:31"You really haven't listened to any of this, have you?
9:11:31 > 9:11:36"You waited to hear what I was doing and then you just wanted to cancel me out."
9:11:36 > 9:11:40It became one of those things, I just thought, I wanted in,
9:11:40 > 9:11:42she wanted out, a bit like our sex life, but that was...
9:11:49 > 9:11:50Your wife voted Leave.
9:11:50 > 9:11:53- Presumably, she didn't...- No, she didn't, she changed her mind.
9:11:53 > 9:11:56- She told you she changed her mind. - No, what happened...
9:11:56 > 9:11:57What happened...
9:11:57 > 9:12:00What happened... We went... So I had a chat with her going,
9:12:00 > 9:12:02"How can you vote Leave? You've got to vote..."
9:12:02 > 9:12:04So we went all the way through it,
9:12:04 > 9:12:08and we got to the voting booth and we went in, voted,
9:12:08 > 9:12:10and I voted Remain and I thought she voted Leave,
9:12:10 > 9:12:12got in the car and I said, "Did you cancel me out?"
9:12:12 > 9:12:16She said, "No, I listened to you and voted Remain," and we went home and
9:12:16 > 9:12:21watched it on the telly and the result come out and the country voted Leave.
9:12:21 > 9:12:23And she went, "Told you I was right!"
9:12:30 > 9:12:32Thank you, thank you very much for that.
9:12:32 > 9:12:36Yes, indeed, the Secretary of State, James Brokenstick,
9:12:37 > 9:12:42launched the Northern Ireland Conservative Party manifesto in front of an audience of 30.
9:12:42 > 9:12:45Every single Tory voter in Northern Ireland was invited to attend,
9:12:45 > 9:12:47and they all did.
9:12:48 > 9:12:52Across the water, the BBC have been accused of anti-Labour bias.
9:12:52 > 9:12:55The BBC have denied this and say they are totally impartial.
9:12:55 > 9:12:59They say it is up to the voters to choose between Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn
9:12:59 > 9:13:02and his creepy clique of Provo-loving crypto communists.
9:13:05 > 9:13:10The BBC say their only job is to report the news in a way that is strong and stable.
9:13:11 > 9:13:13So what is our next question tonight?
9:13:13 > 9:13:15Who do you blame for travel chaos?
9:13:15 > 9:13:18Yes, British Airways' computer system collapsed this week,
9:13:18 > 9:13:22causing travel chaos with passengers trapped in airports for days.
9:13:22 > 9:13:25One woman from Northern Ireland complained about BA's response,
9:13:25 > 9:13:29saying she would have expected a sandwich and a bottle of water.
9:13:29 > 9:13:31Come on, you're from Northern Ireland,
9:13:31 > 9:13:34you should have at least asked for a cheese and onion crisp bap and two tins of Harp.
9:13:37 > 9:13:39But who can we blame for travel chaos?
9:13:39 > 9:13:42I blame my wife.
9:13:44 > 9:13:46And there's a reason for this.
9:13:46 > 9:13:49Because my missus is mad on Christmas.
9:13:49 > 9:13:54So she goes mad with the house and every year she does all the lights
9:13:54 > 9:14:00and there's a moment when I have to plug them in and so we do this fairy tree...
9:14:00 > 9:14:04Every year I plug that in and then all the other lights go off.
9:14:04 > 9:14:06It fuses the house, every frigging year,
9:14:06 > 9:14:09even if we buy new lights because she goes over the top.
9:14:09 > 9:14:13I think she's got in to someone in BA and said, "Listen,
9:14:13 > 9:14:15"why don't you practise your Christmas lights?"
9:14:15 > 9:14:18They've plugged it in, because when this computer thing went off,
9:14:18 > 9:14:20everyone went terrorism, terrorism.
9:14:20 > 9:14:24And they went no, the leccie just went off.
9:14:24 > 9:14:26APPLAUSE
9:14:30 > 9:14:32Did you see the hare in Dublin Airport?
9:14:32 > 9:14:36There's a picture of a hare with a cigarette in Dublin Airport.
9:14:36 > 9:14:37I think we have the picture.
9:14:37 > 9:14:42The hare is a bit unusual because...
9:14:44 > 9:14:47You see, if another animal picks up a cigarette you think that's accidental,
9:14:47 > 9:14:51but it's a Dublin hare and it's like, "You caught me, I'm having a break."
9:14:51 > 9:14:57You think this is fake but there's a rabbit inside covered in nicotine patches.
9:14:57 > 9:15:00In Dublin Airport, the long-stay car park,
9:15:00 > 9:15:02there are loads of them, they're huge.
9:15:02 > 9:15:05They've no fear of people because they don't really engage with people
9:15:05 > 9:15:06because the people are in cars.
9:15:06 > 9:15:08They just look at you,
9:15:08 > 9:15:14but the biggest scariest animals you've ever seen, looking at you, "Ah, right, yeah."
9:15:14 > 9:15:16You look at them, and you feel, "Don't look at it,
9:15:16 > 9:15:18"don't look at it.
9:15:18 > 9:15:21"The car will be wrecked when we come back from the holiday!"
9:15:21 > 9:15:24"I'm watching you, do you know what I mean?"
9:15:24 > 9:15:27- They're just...- It does happen.
9:15:27 > 9:15:29That's a kangaroo you're thinking of.
9:15:31 > 9:15:34They come up at you and just stare at you, don't they?
9:15:34 > 9:15:37"Give us two euro and I'll mind your car."
9:15:40 > 9:15:43- Honestly...- That's the best, that minding the car.
9:15:43 > 9:15:45No-one has said that to me in years.
9:15:45 > 9:15:48Used to always park your car at Liverpool when we went to matches
9:15:48 > 9:15:50and there would always be kids coming up, "Can I mind your car,
9:15:50 > 9:15:52can I mind your car?" I remember my dad doing it.
9:15:52 > 9:15:57Parking the car and a kid came up "Hey, mister, can I mind your car?"
9:15:57 > 9:15:59My dad said, "It's all right, I've got a dog in it."
9:15:59 > 9:16:01He said, "Can he put fires out?"
9:16:07 > 9:16:10I flew with Ryanair recently, in fact.
9:16:10 > 9:16:12I hope this lad does it on every flight.
9:16:12 > 9:16:18This is a genuine thing, the air hostess was a male.
9:16:18 > 9:16:20- So, what was it, air host?- Steward. - Steward.
9:16:20 > 9:16:22- Cabin crew.- Cabin crew.
9:16:22 > 9:16:26Cabin crew. An Irish lad, he was so funny, I should have got his name.
9:16:26 > 9:16:29He did the announcements, you know when they go,
9:16:29 > 9:16:34"Ladies and gentlemen, emergency exits there, this is a non-smoking flight."
9:16:34 > 9:16:36All Ryanair flights are non-smoking.
9:16:36 > 9:16:38"That includes no vaping.
9:16:38 > 9:16:40"However, if you do feel the need for a cigarette,
9:16:40 > 9:16:42"there is an outside smoking area."
9:16:42 > 9:16:45LAUGHTER
9:16:45 > 9:16:47And he... It was brilliant.
9:16:47 > 9:16:51And he just carried on and then you could see people going,
9:16:51 > 9:16:53people in their tracksuits going...
9:16:53 > 9:16:57APPLAUSE
9:17:00 > 9:17:03Thank you,
9:17:03 > 9:17:05thank you very much for that, yes,
9:17:05 > 9:17:07British Airways' computer system crashed.
9:17:07 > 9:17:12Some people say the problem was caused when BA's IT department was outsourced to India.
9:17:12 > 9:17:16Nonsense - I mean, we've outsourced The Blame Game's joke-writing to India
9:17:16 > 9:17:18and haven't had any problems at all.
9:17:18 > 9:17:24Meanwhile, there was controversy this week when President Pranab Kumar Mukherjee
9:17:24 > 9:17:28tweeted that canvassers from the Bharatiya Janata Party were not
9:17:28 > 9:17:30welcome in Rathfriland.
9:17:37 > 9:17:39So what's our next question tonight?
9:17:39 > 9:17:45Who do you blame for me getting so old that all my childhood heroes are dying?
9:17:45 > 9:17:49Yes, intrepid Blue Peter presenter John Noakes has very sadly passed away.
9:17:49 > 9:17:50John was hugely popular,
9:17:50 > 9:17:53and entertained millions of children when I was young.
9:17:53 > 9:17:56He was an unusual 1970s entertainer as he was fun,
9:17:56 > 9:17:59he was fearless and he was never arrested under Operation Yewtree.
9:18:03 > 9:18:09John's dog Shep was his constant companion and was almost as famous as he was.
9:18:09 > 9:18:12Indeed, when John left Blue Peter the BBC let him keep Shep.
9:18:12 > 9:18:15In the same way, when The Blame Game finally ends,
9:18:15 > 9:18:17we're going to let Neil keep Jake O'Kane.
9:18:23 > 9:18:28But who can we blame for me being so old that all my childhood heroes are dying?
9:18:28 > 9:18:32John Noakes, yes, for the younger viewers,
9:18:32 > 9:18:35as in the ones who have children, not grandchildren,
9:18:35 > 9:18:38John Noakes was my hero when I was a kid.
9:18:38 > 9:18:40I loved him.
9:18:40 > 9:18:44He was brilliant. He did all the stuff you're not supposed to do when you're a kid.
9:18:44 > 9:18:47And you're told not to climb things, he would climb them.
9:18:47 > 9:18:49You were told not to jump out of planes, he would jump out of planes.
9:18:49 > 9:18:51He would do anything. He would wrestle things. He was nuts...
9:18:51 > 9:18:54We've footage of him climbing Nelson's Column.
9:18:54 > 9:18:56This is the best thing ever.
9:18:56 > 9:18:59- JOHN NOAKES:- How high is it? - About 180 feet, I think.
9:18:59 > 9:19:00Is it?
9:19:00 > 9:19:01How are the ladders fixed on?
9:19:01 > 9:19:06- Firmly.- They're quite firmly around the actual column itself.
9:19:06 > 9:19:07They're very secure.
9:19:07 > 9:19:11'Our cameraman Terry was waiting at the top and he really did
9:19:11 > 9:19:15'have a bird's-eye view of me reaching the worst part of the climb.
9:19:15 > 9:19:19'At this level the plinth on which Nelson stands overhangs the column.
9:19:19 > 9:19:24'I found myself literally hanging from the ladder with nothing beneath me.'
9:19:25 > 9:19:29You told me there was overhang, but you didn't tell me it leant to one side.
9:19:29 > 9:19:31No, that was the awkward part.
9:19:34 > 9:19:36It's a long way up, really.
9:19:36 > 9:19:37That's the 1970s, right?
9:19:37 > 9:19:411970s, no high-vis, no helmets, no harnesses
9:19:41 > 9:19:44and wearing flares.
9:19:44 > 9:19:46That is a man.
9:19:46 > 9:19:48That is a man.
9:19:48 > 9:19:50The 1970s, right.
9:19:50 > 9:19:54People say that nowadays are dangerous and the '70s were dangerous.
9:19:54 > 9:19:56The dangers in the '70s, yeah, they were dangerous,
9:19:56 > 9:19:58flares being the main danger.
9:19:58 > 9:20:00The people used to just go about their business,
9:20:00 > 9:20:01no-one had uniforms when they went to work.
9:20:01 > 9:20:06You'd see builders digging the road and they used to just wear a sports coat.
9:20:06 > 9:20:07The stuff they used to wear to Mass,
9:20:07 > 9:20:10now they don't wear to Mass any more cos they use it for digging the road.
9:20:10 > 9:20:13Climbing that. Rioters, see, nowadays, people riot,
9:20:13 > 9:20:15you get anarchists rioting all over the world.
9:20:15 > 9:20:18Anarchists are rioting and they're all dressed in black, in running gear,
9:20:18 > 9:20:20they're dressed for rioting.
9:20:20 > 9:20:23People used to riot in the '70s and '80s wearing flares.
9:20:23 > 9:20:26Do you know how difficult it is to outrun a snatch squad wearing flares?
9:20:26 > 9:20:29Your hair in your eyes and you're running,
9:20:29 > 9:20:32it's a miracle anybody got anything done.
9:20:32 > 9:20:35And Shep. That whole thing with Shep the dog.
9:20:35 > 9:20:40He was on a show years later, that one with Anne Robinson.
9:20:41 > 9:20:43- The Weakest Link. - Weakest Link - on that.
9:20:43 > 9:20:46And she deliberately asked him about Shep,
9:20:46 > 9:20:49knowing she would get a reaction from him and she did.
9:20:49 > 9:20:52She did what's known in the business as a "Nolan"...
9:20:52 > 9:20:53APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER
9:20:54 > 9:20:57She asked him about Shep and of course he teared up.
9:20:57 > 9:21:00And, er, you know...and...
9:21:00 > 9:21:02I feel ill watching that.
9:21:02 > 9:21:04If you think that, you should have kept it going,
9:21:04 > 9:21:06because when Shep went up it, I couldn't believe it.
9:21:08 > 9:21:11That's where the phrase "Get down, Shep" came from.
9:21:11 > 9:21:14- That was the first. - We don't know if John Noakes was the first person to do that.
9:21:14 > 9:21:15Climb up Nelson's Column?
9:21:15 > 9:21:21He couldn't have been, the fella who went up with the ladder!
9:21:21 > 9:21:25My favourite story of the week was the cows who photobombed the wedding party.
9:21:25 > 9:21:26- What?- Two cows.
9:21:31 > 9:21:35That was so inappropriate.
9:21:35 > 9:21:37Two cows and they were...
9:21:37 > 9:21:41No, that is appropriate, pretty much what they were doing, yeah. That was brilliant.
9:21:41 > 9:21:44They were taking the wedding pictures
9:21:44 > 9:21:48and they didn't realise behind them was a randy bull cow and...
9:21:48 > 9:21:49Moo!
9:21:49 > 9:21:52The way it was reported was that they photobombed it,
9:21:52 > 9:21:56like they were getting their wedding photo taken and the cow went...
9:21:56 > 9:21:57LAUGHTER
9:22:00 > 9:22:03"I'll be Jim Allister, you be the candidate."
9:22:03 > 9:22:05LAUGHTER
9:22:09 > 9:22:12Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much for that.
9:22:12 > 9:22:14Our next question tonight is...
9:22:14 > 9:22:17Who do you blame for unwanted visitors?
9:22:17 > 9:22:21DUP MLA Jim Wells tweeted that Sinn Fein canvassers were not welcome in
9:22:21 > 9:22:25Rathfriland, particularly on a Sunday, and he's right.
9:22:25 > 9:22:27It's Rathfriland, Wednesday is Hug A Taig day.
9:22:31 > 9:22:34Jim...Jim called Rathfriland a Unionist town.
9:22:34 > 9:22:40Sinn Fein said it was sectarian and wrong to designate areas on religious lines.
9:22:40 > 9:22:43Mind you, if you ever see a Jim Allister election poster in the Ardoyne,
9:22:43 > 9:22:46double-check your chemist gave you the right prescription.
9:22:47 > 9:22:50But who can we blame for unwanted visitors?
9:22:50 > 9:22:52Poor oul' Jim Wells off tweeting again.
9:22:52 > 9:22:55He said many complaints about Sinn Fein canvassing on Rathfriland
9:22:55 > 9:22:59yesterday, they're not welcome in a Unionist town, particularly on a Sunday.
9:22:59 > 9:23:01He was upset with the Sunday thing because he would have been
9:23:01 > 9:23:04watching the Derry/Tyrone match, it was a cracker.
9:23:04 > 9:23:07A cracker. It was very good.
9:23:07 > 9:23:10He was a bit annoyed then because the papers then contacted him for comment
9:23:10 > 9:23:15and he went, no, no, no papers, the media's job is just to set traps.
9:23:15 > 9:23:16Jim, you just say stuff, that's all.
9:23:16 > 9:23:18People just respond to the stuff you say.
9:23:18 > 9:23:22You dig holes for yourself every single week.
9:23:22 > 9:23:26I think that's why he's called Wells, he should...
9:23:26 > 9:23:28he should live up to his name.
9:23:28 > 9:23:30John O'Dowd as well was kicking,
9:23:30 > 9:23:33there's loads of lads going against each other.
9:23:33 > 9:23:37He said that the UDA and the DUP are playing footsy with the UDA this week
9:23:37 > 9:23:41because Sinn Fein has never played footsy with anyone. Have they? No!
9:23:41 > 9:23:43Quite hard to play footsy if your kneecaps are in a drawer.
9:23:48 > 9:23:52Did you see the one, the shark jumped into the boat in Australia?
9:23:52 > 9:23:54That's brilliant, unwelcome visitor.
9:23:54 > 9:23:59He's 73, off the coast of New South Wales, a shark jumps into the boat.
9:23:59 > 9:24:03The boat is four-and-a-half metres long, the shark is 2.7 metres long.
9:24:03 > 9:24:04It knocks your man down,
9:24:04 > 9:24:08the man lies down like this and he's just looking at the shark like that.
9:24:08 > 9:24:10And the shark is like this - "The hare sent me."
9:24:13 > 9:24:16He's just looking at this shark like...
9:24:16 > 9:24:19It's the worst one-night stand ever.
9:24:19 > 9:24:21How did the shark get off the boat?
9:24:21 > 9:24:25- Did he keep it on?- He had this boat and boat lines were going down under
9:24:25 > 9:24:27the boat and the shark went...
9:24:27 > 9:24:28GRUNTS
9:24:28 > 9:24:33I don't know what noise a shark makes, the shark went...
9:24:33 > 9:24:35and jumped into it.
9:24:35 > 9:24:40- No.- It did!- The shark's just going around the ocean looking for a boat to get on
9:24:40 > 9:24:42because it's knackered.
9:24:42 > 9:24:44No, I reckon there were two sharks down below,
9:24:44 > 9:24:47one went, "Bet you couldn't jump over that."
9:24:47 > 9:24:50"Yeah, I could." "Bet you couldn't." "I'll show you."
9:24:50 > 9:24:51Boom. "Bugger."
9:24:51 > 9:24:54If you listen very carefully, you'll hear another shark going....
9:24:54 > 9:24:57Na-a-a-ah!
9:24:57 > 9:25:00One of them big spiders turned up as well, here,
9:25:00 > 9:25:02huntsman, it's the size of my hand.
9:25:02 > 9:25:05You've been there. I wouldn't go to Australia.
9:25:05 > 9:25:07When you're looking at a shark, or a spider,
9:25:07 > 9:25:10and you can see the spider's eyes looking back at you,
9:25:10 > 9:25:12it's time to leave the room.
9:25:12 > 9:25:14I was genuinely in Australia, lying in bed
9:25:14 > 9:25:19at night...at night and...
9:25:19 > 9:25:21wooden floor and I heard a noise.
9:25:21 > 9:25:24I turned the light on and I could hear the spider walking across the
9:25:24 > 9:25:26floor, it was that big.
9:25:26 > 9:25:28I turned the light off again and went...
9:25:31 > 9:25:35You stayed in the room. I would have left the country!
9:25:35 > 9:25:37I would be on a plane travelling home.
9:25:37 > 9:25:40You wouldn't be in the country, it has sunshine.
9:25:40 > 9:25:43If it was big enough to have clogs on to hear it.
9:25:43 > 9:25:47If it was big enough to hear, how do you know it was a spider?
9:25:47 > 9:25:49Because I saw it!
9:25:49 > 9:25:53Yeah. I heard it first, that's the bit that scared me more than anything.
9:25:53 > 9:25:56When you went to sleep again...
9:25:56 > 9:25:58And just waited for it to bite you.
9:25:58 > 9:26:01Then I went, "I think it saw me."
9:26:01 > 9:26:03It was like a horror film,
9:26:03 > 9:26:06you'll turn back on the light and the spider will be beside your head!
9:26:06 > 9:26:09But it'll be holding its shoes in its hands,
9:26:11 > 9:26:16- going...- Shush.
9:26:16 > 9:26:19Just a spider in socks.
9:26:22 > 9:26:24I don't know why I find that so funny.
9:26:24 > 9:26:26I've heard all sorts of horror stories.
9:26:26 > 9:26:30The ones that live under the toilet seat and bite you...
9:26:30 > 9:26:32Colin, so when you turned off the light, though,
9:26:32 > 9:26:35were you just...? Presumably you heard the spider, tappy-tap,
9:26:35 > 9:26:39were you trying to figure out if he was coming in your direction or going away from you?
9:26:39 > 9:26:40Oh, Jesus Christ.
9:26:40 > 9:26:41Or just dancing.
9:26:41 > 9:26:44The funniest bit was I turned the light on and he
9:26:44 > 9:26:47stopped, like in a... "Shit!
9:26:49 > 9:26:50"Wrong house."
9:26:52 > 9:26:55The only thing that would be scarier than that is
9:26:55 > 9:26:59if you turn off the light and the spider turned it back on.
9:27:05 > 9:27:06Terrifying.
9:27:08 > 9:27:11The other bird story as well, the new Bentley, did you see this?
9:27:11 > 9:27:15There's a new Bentley SUV, 4X4 yoke.
9:27:15 > 9:27:18Colin, we're not doing well enough for that. John, have you seen the new Bentley?
9:27:21 > 9:27:25You can get a falcon perch as an optional extra,
9:27:25 > 9:27:26a perch for your falcon.
9:27:26 > 9:27:27I swear to God!
9:27:28 > 9:27:31- So you can go hunting with your thing. - Surely it's just a wing mirror.
9:27:31 > 9:27:34No, it's not.
9:27:34 > 9:27:37It's a wing mirror. Wing mirror. Wing mirror!
9:27:39 > 9:27:43Fuck yous all, fuck yous all.
9:27:43 > 9:27:45It's in the Middle East for the Saudi market.
9:27:45 > 9:27:47No, it's a perch for your cock.
9:27:49 > 9:27:50It's the wrong bird.
9:27:51 > 9:27:53Seriously, you get a perch and it's for your falcon,
9:27:53 > 9:27:56I have one of those and it's called handlebars.
9:27:56 > 9:27:58But you do, you get...
9:27:58 > 9:28:00It's like a Rolls-Royce always has an umbrella.
9:28:00 > 9:28:03- Does it?- Yeah. Press a button and it goes...
9:28:03 > 9:28:06- No!- A Rolls-Royce always has an umbrella.
9:28:06 > 9:28:07Why don't they just have a roof?
9:28:14 > 9:28:17Thank you, thank you for that. Just time for our quickfire round.
9:28:17 > 9:28:20I will read you various newspaper headlines and I want you to be faster
9:28:20 > 9:28:23than Theresa May running away from an election debate.
9:28:27 > 9:28:29Cut a hole in your trouser pocket.
9:28:35 > 9:28:36But will claim for a very big one.
9:28:42 > 9:28:44Good job you lot can build bonfires, ain't it?
9:28:53 > 9:28:54My colon.
9:29:04 > 9:29:07It's all right, they find it again when they get married.
9:29:13 > 9:29:14Oh, that's pushing it.
9:29:18 > 9:29:21And finally...
9:29:24 > 9:29:27County Derry, County Tyrone, County Antrim, County Down...
9:29:34 > 9:29:38That's it, ladies and gentlemen, that's the end of the show and the current series.
9:29:38 > 9:29:41Please show your appreciation to our panel, Colin Murphy, John Bishop,
9:29:41 > 9:29:43Jake O'Kane and Neil Delamere.
9:29:43 > 9:29:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
9:29:53 > 9:29:55I'm Tim McGarry. Until we're back in the autumn,
9:29:55 > 9:29:58don't blame yourselves, blame each other. Goodbye.
9:29:58 > 9:30:01APPLAUSE