0:00:24 > 0:00:28Hello and welcome to this very special edition of The Blame Game.
0:00:28 > 0:00:32Now, since the last few weeks, Jake, Colin, Neil and I have been
0:00:32 > 0:00:36sitting on our backsides doing absolutely nothing.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39That's right, we became MLAs.
0:00:39 > 0:00:40I'm joking, we're not MLAs,
0:00:40 > 0:00:42we don't get paid.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44So, before the new series started, we thought,
0:00:44 > 0:00:46"Let's have a look back at some of the best bits
0:00:46 > 0:00:47"in the previous series."
0:00:47 > 0:00:50You know, the bits that made you laugh out loud,
0:00:50 > 0:00:54the bits that made the politicians go, "Oh, no, please turn that off."
0:00:55 > 0:00:57We're just after the Assembly election
0:00:57 > 0:01:00where we went out and we voted for a wonderful bunch of people
0:01:00 > 0:01:02into the Assembly.
0:01:02 > 0:01:06Great men and women who rolled their sleeves up...
0:01:07 > 0:01:08..and went straight home.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10LAUGHTER
0:01:10 > 0:01:12But what really annoys me,
0:01:12 > 0:01:14do you know what they did a week ago?
0:01:14 > 0:01:16They took an Easter break!
0:01:17 > 0:01:20How can you take an Easter break when you're doing nothing?
0:01:20 > 0:01:22How do you...? Do you get put in a coma or something
0:01:22 > 0:01:24so you can tell the difference?
0:01:24 > 0:01:27Forget it, I've got a solution. Here is my solution - direct rule.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30- Direct rule.- That was popular.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34I haven't finished. Not from Westminster.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36North Korea.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38LAUGHTER
0:01:38 > 0:01:39APPLAUSE
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Yes.
0:01:42 > 0:01:46I want Kim Jong-un, whatever they call him, the wee guy.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48I know he's a lunatic, he probably plays with his own poo,
0:01:48 > 0:01:50right, fair enough,
0:01:50 > 0:01:52but he's better than the lunatics we have.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54And we're so alike.
0:01:54 > 0:01:55Think about this.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59Korea - divided north and south.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02We're divided north and south.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04We love parades.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06They love parades.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Who does parades better than wee Kim?
0:02:10 > 0:02:13- The election here, it's pointless. - Why?- Completely pointless.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Because for a bit of craic,
0:02:15 > 0:02:17the Russians are going to just hack it.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Like they hacked the American election.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23The Russians, Vladimir Putin is in Moscow
0:02:23 > 0:02:25talking to the lads in the KGB going...
0:02:25 > 0:02:27- RUSSIAN ACCENT: - "Who do you fancy for South Down?"
0:02:30 > 0:02:32"Egh, I don't know.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35"I like... I like Jim Wells a lot."
0:02:35 > 0:02:36"But he's not even running."
0:02:36 > 0:02:40"Yeah, but we share same approach on gay marriage in a lot of ways."
0:02:40 > 0:02:42"What about East Antrim?" "Sammy Wilson."
0:02:42 > 0:02:45"I like Sammy Wilson, he has tash.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48"He looks like Soviet worker from 1970."
0:02:49 > 0:02:51"I like him."
0:02:51 > 0:02:55Now, the election broadcast was very slick.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58They have a very slick machine involved there.
0:02:58 > 0:02:59The one I saw - it was the only one I saw,
0:02:59 > 0:03:01and it was a very clever move -
0:03:01 > 0:03:02they had it subtitled, they had it subtitled.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05It was in English, which I thought was a bit offensive
0:03:05 > 0:03:07to Michelle O'Neill, but, you know...
0:03:07 > 0:03:11Because let's face it, not the greatest speaking voice in the world. Jeez.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15It's the fastest, unbelievable. She speaks almost like a machinegun.
0:03:15 > 0:03:16And she...
0:03:18 > 0:03:22- Seriously. - HE TALKS INCOMPREHENSIBLY FAST
0:03:22 > 0:03:24If she was reading the Proclamation in 1916,
0:03:24 > 0:03:27people would have been home for their tea a lot earlier, do you know what I mean?
0:03:27 > 0:03:28It's just...
0:03:28 > 0:03:30But it was subtitled underneath in English
0:03:30 > 0:03:34and it was still being subtitled in English underneath and I was wondering why.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37I thought it was for maybe the older viewer or the hard of hearing,
0:03:37 > 0:03:40and then I realised, no, it's not, it's for the middle-class voter. That's what it is.
0:03:40 > 0:03:45So they can watch the Sinn Fein broadcast but with the sound down in case the neighbours hear anything.
0:03:45 > 0:03:49That's for the middle-class Catholics, just turn it down there.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53It's fab when the election in the UK is more exciting than the election here.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Aye, yeah, but that's because...
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Who are you going to vote for?
0:03:57 > 0:03:59- Ooh, fucking hell.- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:03:59 > 0:04:02Well... Well... Well...
0:04:02 > 0:04:04To be honest, like, I've always been a Labour voter
0:04:04 > 0:04:06and I like Jeremy Corbyn,
0:04:06 > 0:04:08but he keeps bringing Diane Abbott out
0:04:08 > 0:04:11and you think, "Oh, for Christ's sake."
0:04:11 > 0:04:12Do you know what I mean?
0:04:13 > 0:04:18It's like somebody giving a five-year-old the responsibility
0:04:18 > 0:04:20of looking after a baby with a pair of scissors in their hand,
0:04:20 > 0:04:23you think, "Fucking put them down, Diane!"
0:04:24 > 0:04:27So, we've had the election and now the talks start.
0:04:27 > 0:04:31On Wednesday, the Chancellor announced extra money for Northern Ireland.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33James Brokenshire, representing the British government,
0:04:33 > 0:04:36comes to talks with an extra £120 million.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39Charlie Flanagan, representing the Irish government,
0:04:39 > 0:04:41comes to the talks with a Dublin GAA top
0:04:41 > 0:04:43and two tickets for the Late Late Show.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48But who can we blame for what happens next?
0:04:48 > 0:04:50OK, I'm going to make an unpopular suggestion,
0:04:50 > 0:04:52but I think it's time to go to direct rule.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Sorry. I think direct rule, you've got to try direct rule.
0:04:55 > 0:04:56It worked for a long time
0:04:56 > 0:04:58- and if it doesn't... - TIM LAUGHS
0:04:58 > 0:05:01No, if it doesn't work, maybe direct rule from England.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04LAUGHTER
0:05:04 > 0:05:07That's all the phone calls are going to be.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09I'll tell you what I don't want, I don't want another election
0:05:09 > 0:05:11because, even as someone who can't vote,
0:05:11 > 0:05:15I end up watching the election results until all hours.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Politicians and whores are the only people
0:05:18 > 0:05:21who are told they're going to get a job in the middle of the night.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24LAUGHTER
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Well, they are.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28- And also... - APPLAUSE
0:05:30 > 0:05:34And also they both do the same thing to the public.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37One of the things they're going to get rid of,
0:05:37 > 0:05:39they want to get rid of First Minister and Deputy First Minister.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42- Oh, call them joint...- Equal. - Just First Ministers?
0:05:42 > 0:05:44That's the thing, what are they going to call them?
0:05:44 > 0:05:46You know, like Wizard and, you know, Worshipful Master?
0:05:46 > 0:05:48You know, that's... I don't know.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51- Grand Wizard.- Partners.- There we go.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54- Partners.- No, no, partners, again, too close to...
0:05:55 > 0:05:57The DUP are never going to go for that,
0:05:57 > 0:06:01particularly as Arlene Foster and Michelle O'Neill are same sex.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03- Are they, though?- Well...
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Are they?
0:06:09 > 0:06:12- Cagney and Lacey.- Cagney and Lacey! - Cagney and Lacey would suit them.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14Oh, that's... I think that is fantastic.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17- Would you?- Yes. - Which one is which, though?- Oh...
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Cagney's definitely the Fenian.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22LAUGHTER
0:06:22 > 0:06:27I like the way you say that and everybody goes...
0:06:27 > 0:06:31- Tango and Cash.- Tango and Cash, that's good. Starsky and Hutch.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34- Stirsky and Hutch.- There's loads.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Do you reckon this is what the talks are like -
0:06:36 > 0:06:39someone throws something out there and then they throw it around the place?
0:06:39 > 0:06:40HIGH-PITCHED MUMBLING
0:06:40 > 0:06:42- Then it all goes... - SLOW-PACED MUMBLING
0:06:42 > 0:06:44- Then someone else goes... - MUMBLING
0:06:44 > 0:06:46And then the English boy goes, "Anyone?"
0:06:46 > 0:06:49- They all sit around and go... - SLOW-PACED MUMBLING
0:06:49 > 0:06:52- ENGLISH ACCENT:- "We really need to break the deadlock here."
0:06:52 > 0:06:55FRANTIC MUMBLING
0:06:59 > 0:07:02- ENGLISH ACCENT:- "Guys, are we making any progress here?"
0:07:02 > 0:07:05ANGRY MUMBLING
0:07:10 > 0:07:12"Listen, I really mean it.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15"It's almost lunchtime and we've got bloody nowhere."
0:07:15 > 0:07:18HIGH-PITCHED MUMBLING
0:07:22 > 0:07:25"Guys, calm down."
0:07:25 > 0:07:28You're laughing, but this is the first five years
0:07:28 > 0:07:29of The Blame Game for me.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33I reckon he's not even in the room.
0:07:33 > 0:07:34I reckon Brokenshire comes in and goes,
0:07:34 > 0:07:37"Now, I'm going to leave you all to it. Can I trust you to do that?
0:07:37 > 0:07:40"Yeah? Yeah? Then I'll be back in an hour or two."
0:07:40 > 0:07:41Then, before he leaves the room, they go...
0:07:41 > 0:07:43ANGRY MUMBLING
0:07:43 > 0:07:44"Is he gone? Aye? Good.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46"Well, how's it going anyway?
0:07:46 > 0:07:49"You did well in the election there. Well done, yourself."
0:07:49 > 0:07:51- "Not too bad, yourself." - "He's coming back here."
0:07:51 > 0:07:53IRATE MUMBLING
0:07:54 > 0:07:55That's what it is.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00You're talking about tolerance and bigotry.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02I can't be here and not mention the fact
0:08:02 > 0:08:06that you still haven't got same-sex marriage.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09No, they don't. THEY.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11THEY.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Don't be blaming me.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21They don't, but I'll take their money.
0:08:21 > 0:08:22I don't know what...
0:08:22 > 0:08:25I'm quite interested to know what public opinion is.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Can we just ask the audience, by round of applause,
0:08:27 > 0:08:29if you would support same-sex marriage?
0:08:29 > 0:08:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:35 > 0:08:37And if you wouldn't?
0:08:37 > 0:08:39SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE
0:08:39 > 0:08:42This is Northern Ireland. You didn't expect that, did you?
0:08:42 > 0:08:44LAUGHTER
0:08:44 > 0:08:47See in England, people would go, "Oh, I'd better not do anything.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49"It'll just... It'll draw attention to myself."
0:08:49 > 0:08:51But here, people are going, "Fuckin' right."
0:08:57 > 0:08:59I'll be honest, Colin, that bloody threw me.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06She's called this snap election, which is annoying,
0:09:06 > 0:09:09because we've only just recovered from the Brexit.
0:09:09 > 0:09:10I don't know what it was like for yous,
0:09:10 > 0:09:12how important the Brexit vote was here,
0:09:12 > 0:09:14cos it's so confusing
0:09:14 > 0:09:17cos you're sort of in and out of something anyway.
0:09:17 > 0:09:21We had it at home. That, I don't...
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Again, in England, it's very sensitive.
0:09:23 > 0:09:28In Britain, the Brexit vote, people get very tense about it
0:09:28 > 0:09:30so we won't go on about it, but half of you were wrong.
0:09:33 > 0:09:3552% or 48?
0:09:37 > 0:09:39In our house, it became a big thing in our house.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42My missus, Melanie, said to me, "What are you going to do?"
0:09:42 > 0:09:47I said, "I'm going to vote remain. I'm going to vote in."
0:09:47 > 0:09:50I said, "What are you going to do?" She said, "I'm going to vote out."
0:09:50 > 0:09:53In my head, I thought, "You're just doing that for spite.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56"You really haven't listened to any of this, have you?
0:09:56 > 0:09:58"You waited to hear what I was doing
0:09:58 > 0:10:01"and then you just wanted to cancel me out."
0:10:01 > 0:10:04It became one of those things, really.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07I want in, she wanted out. Bit like our sex life, but that was...
0:10:09 > 0:10:11APPLAUSE
0:10:14 > 0:10:17- Your wife voted leave, right? Presumably, like...- No, she didn't.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21- She changed her mind. - She told you she changed her mind.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24No, what happened... What happened, we went...
0:10:24 > 0:10:26I had a chat with her, I went, "How can you vote leave?
0:10:26 > 0:10:29"You've got to vote..." So we went all the way through it.
0:10:29 > 0:10:33We got to the voting booth, we went in, voted.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35I voted remain and I thought she voted leave.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38Get in the car and I said, "So, did you cancel me out?"
0:10:38 > 0:10:40She went, "No, I listened to you and I voted remain."
0:10:40 > 0:10:44Then we went home and watched it on the telly.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46The result came out and the country voted leave.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48She went, "Told you I was right!"
0:10:51 > 0:10:53I love this Madonna story.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57I'm 40 and I wouldn't post a picture of me naked on social media.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00It's not that I'm prudish, I'm just too courteous to do that to people.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02I just find it...
0:11:02 > 0:11:05The whole thing about posting naked things
0:11:05 > 0:11:08and sending naked pictures, it's...
0:11:08 > 0:11:11I mean, I don't know what to write in a birthday card,
0:11:11 > 0:11:13I couldn't send a sext. You know what I mean?
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Young people all sexting each other, that blows my mind.
0:11:15 > 0:11:19When I was a teenager, if I wanted to leave a sexy message for a boy,
0:11:19 > 0:11:23I'd have to ring his landline and leave a message with his mum.
0:11:23 > 0:11:24Different world that we live in.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26I think we should be, as we're getting older,
0:11:26 > 0:11:30embracing social media and things like that.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33The Queen this week, apparently, it's come out that she's got
0:11:33 > 0:11:35a Facebook account, which I think is brilliant.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38We need to, cos loneliness in old age is a problem.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41We're all living longer, we've got to worry about these things.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44There's so many 100-year-olds in the UK now the Queen has had to
0:11:44 > 0:11:45get a Moonpig account to keep up.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53My nan... She's 93, my nana, and she's brilliant.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56She's got a little laptop and she uses Skype to talk to her relatives.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58I won't Skype my nan, personally.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00It makes me too nervous, do you know what I mean?
0:12:00 > 0:12:03I can't tell if Skype's buffering or she's having a stroke.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08There was an interesting study that's come out
0:12:08 > 0:12:12recently as well about... Old people drink way more than young people.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Young people just aren't... It's not a drinking culture any more.
0:12:15 > 0:12:19Old people are knocking it back. I thought, "That explains a lot."
0:12:19 > 0:12:21There we were, blaming frailty, dementia
0:12:21 > 0:12:25and being rubbish at driving on old age, and they're all just pissed.
0:12:25 > 0:12:26I was at my nan's recently.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29I thought, "I'll have a little whiff, see if I can smell any..."
0:12:29 > 0:12:32But they're bringing a lot of smells to the party, aren't they?
0:12:32 > 0:12:33It's difficult.
0:12:34 > 0:12:35I don't know...
0:12:38 > 0:12:41..why they're obsessed with mince, you know?
0:12:41 > 0:12:42APPLAUSE
0:12:42 > 0:12:44You've got to admire people who just get to a certain age
0:12:44 > 0:12:48and don't care any more. My dad's 81 and once described onesies
0:12:48 > 0:12:49as overalls for bastards.
0:12:55 > 0:12:59Occasionally, we persuade the BBC to let us go on the road.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02Next week, we'll be in Arlene's own county when we visit Enniskillen.
0:13:02 > 0:13:07Back in April, we were in Michelle's county when we went to Cookstown.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10By the way, the sausages were gorgeous.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Genuinely, I do think this is a peculiarly Tyrone thing.
0:13:12 > 0:13:16There's an understatement here - you can't get above yourself here.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18I'm convinced of this. I've played here many times.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21The idea that people go... There is that sort of...
0:13:22 > 0:13:24You'd never... A farmer here would never admit
0:13:24 > 0:13:26that they'd won the lottery, for instance,
0:13:26 > 0:13:27do you know what I mean?
0:13:27 > 0:13:30Everybody would know he's won it, and you'd go up to him and go,
0:13:30 > 0:13:32"How you doing?" "Ah, not so bad, you know.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36"Just so long as you have your health,
0:13:36 > 0:13:38- "that's the main thing, isn't it?" - APPLAUSE
0:13:44 > 0:13:46I live in a wee place, right, it's just outside Omagh.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49It's seven miles outside Omagh. Between Omagh and Fintona.
0:13:49 > 0:13:50- Wow.- Wow.- Yeah, exactly.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53That gives you the idea of where we're at.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Belfast, we grew up in Belfast thinking that a culchie
0:13:56 > 0:13:59was somebody who came to school on an Ulster bus.
0:14:04 > 0:14:08No, right. There is no mobile phone reception and there is no broadband.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11It's made me a bad person.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14You know when you watch the news and they put one of those videos on,
0:14:14 > 0:14:16you know, the Islamic fundamentalists have put up.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19People watch those on the news and they go, "Oh, that's terrible."
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Do you know what I think when I see them?
0:14:21 > 0:14:23"That guy's in a cave in a desert in Syria
0:14:23 > 0:14:26"and he's got a better internet connection than me."
0:14:28 > 0:14:29There was a cattle dealer,
0:14:29 > 0:14:32this was a couple of years ago, the case was this year.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34But there was a cattle dealer and he was kidnapped
0:14:34 > 0:14:36and held captive in Omagh.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39If you think being kidnapped isn't bad enough, held captive in Omagh!
0:14:41 > 0:14:44They demanded 400 grand from his father.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46They rang his dad and said,
0:14:46 > 0:14:49"We want 400 grand or we're going to cut your son's fingers off."
0:14:49 > 0:14:55Genuinely, this is what the dad said to the kidnappers.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57He said, "Cut away."
0:14:57 > 0:14:58That's what he said.
0:14:58 > 0:14:59Hung up.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04That's here. This is... Them, that's what they're like!
0:15:06 > 0:15:07"Cut away."
0:15:07 > 0:15:09Dan O'Neill. Is there any O'Neills in?
0:15:09 > 0:15:13Dan O'Neill. He's a clan O'Neill and he went to Rome recently.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15The front of the paper, local paper, he got brought up to the front
0:15:15 > 0:15:17and the Pope was there. Did you see it?
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Meet the Pope, and he was having a bit of a laugh with the Pope.
0:15:20 > 0:15:24The Pope took his wee hat off and put it on Dan's head and says,
0:15:24 > 0:15:25"That suits you."
0:15:25 > 0:15:28Anybody else would melt. You'd be going...
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Dan, "Bless you, Father."
0:15:34 > 0:15:37The worst thing that ever happened in a flight is my daughter
0:15:37 > 0:15:39finally got me back for all the teasing.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41To this day - and you would think nothing would embarrass me -
0:15:41 > 0:15:43my God, we were flying to New Zealand
0:15:43 > 0:15:46to do the comedy festival and these guys came on,
0:15:46 > 0:15:47they were a cycling team.
0:15:47 > 0:15:51They had on the tight Lycra with the bums right there.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Ashley was here and I was here. I was busying about.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55They guy went to put his bag up in the locker.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57She took my hand and stuck it right on his bum.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00I was not prepared for it.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02The guy turned round, she let go, and I was like...
0:16:02 > 0:16:07Ashley went, "Mum, you said you'd stop this."
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Did you see the hare in Dublin Airport?
0:16:13 > 0:16:16There's a picture of a hare with a cigarette in Dublin Airport.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18We have the picture. We actually have the picture.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21- Do you have the picture? - The hare in Dublin Airport.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24- You see, other animals... - Quite unusual, because...
0:16:24 > 0:16:27You see, if another animal picks up a cigarette, you think,
0:16:27 > 0:16:29"Oh, that's accidental." But it's a Dublin hare and it's like,
0:16:29 > 0:16:32"Oh, you caught me. I'm on me break."
0:16:32 > 0:16:34You think that this is fake,
0:16:34 > 0:16:38but there's a rabbit inside covered in nicotine patches.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41Dublin Airport, the long-stay car park, there are loads of them.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44They're huge as well. They've no fear of people.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47They don't really engage people because people are in cars,
0:16:47 > 0:16:48so they don't really care.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50They just look at you, but the biggest,
0:16:50 > 0:16:53scariest animals you've ever seen look at you.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56"Oh, right? Yeah?" You're looking at them and you feel....
0:16:56 > 0:16:59"Don't look at them, don't look at them, don't look at them.
0:16:59 > 0:17:00"They'll wreck the car.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02"The car will be wrecked when we come back from the holiday."
0:17:02 > 0:17:06- I've had that.- "I'm watching you."
0:17:06 > 0:17:07It does, it happens. Yeah, yeah.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09That's a kangaroo you're thinking of.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15They come up to you and they just stare at you, don't they?
0:17:15 > 0:17:18They just stare. "Give us 2 euro and I'll mind your car."
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Honestly, that's what they're like.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24That's the best, minding the car.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26No-one's said that to me for years.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28I used to always park your car in Liverpool
0:17:28 > 0:17:29when you went to the match.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32There would be kids coming up going, "All right, can I mind your car?
0:17:32 > 0:17:35"Can I mind your car?" I remember my dad doing it, parking the car
0:17:35 > 0:17:38and some kid coming up going, "Hey, mister, can I mind your car?"
0:17:38 > 0:17:40He said, "It's all right, it's got a dog in it. We've got a dog."
0:17:40 > 0:17:42He said, "Can it put fires out?"
0:17:49 > 0:17:53I flew with Ryanair recently. I hope this lad does it on every flight.
0:17:53 > 0:17:59This is a genuine thing. The air hostess was a male, so what's it...?
0:17:59 > 0:18:02- Air host.- Air steward.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04- Steward.- Cabin crew.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Cabin crew. An Irish lad. He was so funny.
0:18:06 > 0:18:07I wish I would have got his name.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09You know the announcements, he goes,
0:18:09 > 0:18:13"Ladies and gentlemen, the emergency exits are here and here.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15"This is a non-smoking flight.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17"All Ryanair flights are non-smoking.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19"That includes no vaping.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21"However, if you do feel the need to a cigarette,
0:18:21 > 0:18:23"there is an outside smoking area."
0:18:27 > 0:18:28He was brilliant.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31He just carried on.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34You could see people, people in their tracksuits going...
0:18:38 > 0:18:41Can I just point out...? 90 cruise ships come to Belfast every year.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Who the hell is coming to these places?
0:18:43 > 0:18:44There's not even Sunday opening now any more
0:18:44 > 0:18:47because the council knocked it back. There's nothing to do.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49One of those ships is arriving this Sunday.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51There's a ship arriving here on Sunday. Who is going on this cruise?
0:18:51 > 0:18:54- GERMAN ACCENT:- "Where are you going on your holidays, Hans?"
0:18:54 > 0:18:56- GERMAN ACCENT:- "I'm going to Belfast this year.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58I need a new cover for my iPhone,
0:18:58 > 0:19:02"so I'm going to the CastleCourt Centre. Marvellous."
0:19:02 > 0:19:03What?
0:19:03 > 0:19:05- GERMAN ACCENT:- "Oh, Hans, that's very exciting.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08"I have a whole tour of all the shopping centres
0:19:08 > 0:19:11- "all over Northern Ireland." - "Are you going to the Buttercrane?"
0:19:11 > 0:19:13"Yes, I will be going to Buttercrane.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15"Also Buttercrane not the only shopping centre in Newry.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17"Also stopping at The Quays Shopping Centre."
0:19:17 > 0:19:20- "The Quays?!"- "Then I will go up to Derry/Londonderry,
0:19:20 > 0:19:22"cos I have to be very politically correct.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25"I'm from Berlin, but they have kept the wall.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30"Then I will buy some green diesel on one side of the border.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32"I don't know which. Oh, it's very exciting."
0:19:32 > 0:19:35"Are you going to transport the green diesel back onto the boat?"
0:19:35 > 0:19:38"Oh, in little bottles with oily rags in the top of them.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43"It's a souvenir in the museum in Newry."
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Why are you so camp when you're a German?
0:19:47 > 0:19:51I can't... I can't do it. I can't do it.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55- I can't stop it. - We cannot...
0:19:55 > 0:19:58We can do German, we cannot do just straightforward German.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00We start off... No matter what we start as...
0:20:00 > 0:20:02I could say, "Yeah, I lifted a fridge today",
0:20:02 > 0:20:04and then once you go...
0:20:04 > 0:20:06- GERMAN ACCENT:- "It was light as a feather."
0:20:07 > 0:20:11Who do you blame for unpredictable leaders?
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we live in a very fragile
0:20:13 > 0:20:17and unpredictable world with leaders who are frankly capable of anything.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Donald Trump could bomb Syria,
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Kim Jong-un could launch a nuclear strike,
0:20:21 > 0:20:24and Arlene Foster could visit another Catholic school.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27Donald Trump has relentlessly attacked
0:20:27 > 0:20:30the press in his first 100 days in office.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33A vibrant press is, of course, vital for democracy.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36The New York Times said it will resist presidential bullying.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39The Washington Post said it will always report the news impartially.
0:20:39 > 0:20:40The Daily Mail Online said
0:20:40 > 0:20:44Kim Kardashian's arse is full of cellulite.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49But who can we blame for unpredictable leaders?
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Well, I mean...
0:20:52 > 0:20:54I know that Donald Trump is unpredictable.
0:20:54 > 0:20:58I just think he's a gangster reacting to headlines himself.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00I mean, he wants to build a wall, which is weird,
0:21:00 > 0:21:03cos Mexicans can build doors.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09They use keys and they've always got ladders. I think...
0:21:09 > 0:21:12I think what he's saying is he wants to expel everyone from America
0:21:12 > 0:21:15who's not white, which is weird, cos he's orange.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18As it turns out, orange is the new black.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22I miss Obama. I would vote for Obama if he ran again in America.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24He probably will, cos in America,
0:21:24 > 0:21:27black men are always running from somebody for good reason.
0:21:27 > 0:21:32Not really police force, more like target practice.
0:21:32 > 0:21:33I did...
0:21:36 > 0:21:39I didn't pull the trigger.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42Sorry, there was just a voice in the audience, "Jesus..."
0:21:45 > 0:21:49I did watch the inauguration/ Nuremberg Rally and I was...
0:21:51 > 0:21:53I think that there are people in the US,
0:21:53 > 0:21:55maybe like the Brexit campaign, they're similar in a way,
0:21:55 > 0:22:00who felt ignored by politics, they felt like they'd been cast aside.
0:22:00 > 0:22:04We all have relatives we're ashamed of. I have family...
0:22:04 > 0:22:06They're southern Baptists from West Virginia.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09When we traced our family tree, we found out it was circular.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16There were sheep on all the branches.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Their last name's Kilkenny. Anyway, the point is, you know,
0:22:19 > 0:22:23there are people who want to return America to what it was,
0:22:23 > 0:22:25which is what Trump promised - make America great again.
0:22:25 > 0:22:26But what does that mean?
0:22:26 > 0:22:29I just don't understand why people didn't vote for Hillary.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32I supported Hillary cos I thought, "Women! Girls!" Right, girls? Girls!
0:22:32 > 0:22:34CHEERING
0:22:34 > 0:22:35- They work for less. - LAUGHTER
0:22:38 > 0:22:41I think Michelle Obama is the only leader America has in its future.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44Michelle Obama - I find her inspiring.
0:22:44 > 0:22:48She needs a bigger afro and some backup singers, but...
0:22:48 > 0:22:49then she'll have a hit.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51But she goes around the world telling school girls,
0:22:51 > 0:22:53"You work hard, you do your best,
0:22:53 > 0:22:56"maybe some day you too can shag a world leader."
0:22:56 > 0:22:59Really...if anyone knows about that, it's Hillary Clitoris.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01I just feel like...
0:23:03 > 0:23:06Something this panel doesn't really know very much about.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10I feel like America is kind of...
0:23:10 > 0:23:13They're in a downwards spiral.
0:23:13 > 0:23:14The coastal cities are nicer.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17People still use utensils and wear shoes outdoors,
0:23:17 > 0:23:19but when you drive inland in America,
0:23:19 > 0:23:23it's like you take your life in your own, you know, well-manicured hands.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25The farther you get from the sea, the stupider...
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Maybe they're not stupid, maybe they're just dehydrated.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Maybe all the people who voted for Trump
0:23:30 > 0:23:31are just really, really thirsty.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34"I'm going to vote for Donald Trump cos he's rich
0:23:34 > 0:23:36"and I want to be rich, too."
0:23:39 > 0:23:42It doesn't really work that way, but if I give you some money,
0:23:42 > 0:23:43will you buy some fucking teeth?
0:23:47 > 0:23:50Belfast City Council have caused uproar trying to save money,
0:23:50 > 0:23:51cos there's ways you can get rich.
0:23:51 > 0:23:55A way you can get rich is earn it in a big business. You can...
0:23:55 > 0:23:56Communion.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00It is the season.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03I was surprised that one of the top 20 wasn't some wee girl from Newry
0:24:03 > 0:24:04with her communion money.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09That's cos she's keeping it offshore.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Coming in at 24, Brigene Morgan.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16Belfast City Council got into trouble because they brought
0:24:16 > 0:24:19in a new system for recycling, cos apparently getting rid of food waste
0:24:19 > 0:24:23costs £800,000 a year, so we all have to put it in the brown bins.
0:24:23 > 0:24:27Basically, the City Council have said, "You've been told, right?
0:24:27 > 0:24:29"Put it in the brown bin, that's the end of it!
0:24:29 > 0:24:31"See if we see it in the black bin, you're... Dead!"
0:24:33 > 0:24:36They give you a sticker that goes on the bin to warn you. Sticker!
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Went on the bin.
0:24:38 > 0:24:39I was out taking my bin in the other day
0:24:39 > 0:24:41and they put a sticker on my bin.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44There was a big sticker on the bin. "Black bin is for..."
0:24:44 > 0:24:47Nobody knows what the black bin's for.
0:24:47 > 0:24:48Nobody knows!
0:24:49 > 0:24:52It's for "Not food!"
0:24:52 > 0:24:55The brown bin is for food.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58I have dog poo, what do you put it in? Does it go in a recycling bin?
0:24:58 > 0:25:02- Is it technically...?- Right back up the dog. That'll teach him a lesson.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05So they're trying to save money. The other place trying to...
0:25:05 > 0:25:07They're getting money as well is in the graveyard,
0:25:07 > 0:25:08the cemeteries in Belfast.
0:25:08 > 0:25:13They're charging people, families, the headstones are loose
0:25:13 > 0:25:16and are in danger of falling over.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18The way they test this, right,
0:25:18 > 0:25:21the City Council get this thing called a topple tester,
0:25:21 > 0:25:24this machine. It comes in, they look at a headstone and they go,
0:25:24 > 0:25:25"Does that look safe to you?"
0:25:25 > 0:25:29"I don't know." "Get the topple tester."
0:25:31 > 0:25:35The topple tester comes in. What the topple tester does, it goes...
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Jiggle, jiggle, jiggle, jiggle, jiggle.
0:25:37 > 0:25:41Then the headstone, which was perfectly fine, all of a sudden...
0:25:41 > 0:25:43"That's loose that there, isn't it?"
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Basically it's the machine equivalent of the Father Ted
0:25:47 > 0:25:51character that goes, "Shoddy, shoddy, shoddy."
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Belfast City Council have now created two jobs.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55They've created the weirdest job in the world,
0:25:55 > 0:25:58which is jiggling headstones, and basically my favourite insult
0:25:58 > 0:26:00when I was a child, bin hoker.
0:26:00 > 0:26:01That is now a job.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04"What are you?" "I am an official bin hoker."
0:26:04 > 0:26:07The government thing about the smoking, I'm not too sure.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09They've got this thing where they're taking...
0:26:09 > 0:26:11It's all plain packaging and they've got these pictures,
0:26:11 > 0:26:14horrific pictures of what smoking can do to you.
0:26:14 > 0:26:19I was behind a wee woman in a shop last week, a wee old age pensioner.
0:26:19 > 0:26:20It hasn't worked out.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23"Right, son, I want the one with the man with no toes."
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Thank you. Thank you very much for that.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Just time for our quickfire round.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39I will read you various newspaper headlines
0:26:39 > 0:26:42and I want you to be faster than a Michelle O'Neill speech.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48Hello to more Catholics.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Archbishops are worried.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57That's very good...
0:27:00 > 0:27:02My colon.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Frankly, tonight, I'm relieved.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14LAUGHTER
0:27:14 > 0:27:16CHEERING
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Time to end The Muppet Show.
0:27:20 > 0:27:21Back to direct rule, then.
0:27:24 > 0:27:25CHEERING
0:27:31 > 0:27:33It's all right, they find it again when they get married.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41West Lothian.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43That's where I'm from.
0:27:45 > 0:27:46East Lothian.
0:27:50 > 0:27:51Put in a claim.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01County Derry, County Tyrone, County Antrim...
0:28:01 > 0:28:03County Down...
0:28:06 > 0:28:08Well, we hope you enjoyed those clips.
0:28:08 > 0:28:12Jake, Colin, Neil and I will be back very soon with a brand-new series
0:28:12 > 0:28:14of The Blame Game, but will we have anything to talk about?
0:28:14 > 0:28:17Well, with Arlene and Michelle in deadlock,
0:28:17 > 0:28:21and Kim Jong-un and Donald Trump in a headlock,
0:28:21 > 0:28:22I think we'll be all right.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25So, until then, don't blame yourselves, blame each other.
0:28:25 > 0:28:26Goodbye.