9:39:55 > 9:39:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
9:40:02 > 9:40:04Hello!
9:40:04 > 9:40:08Hello and welcome, welcome to The Blame Game, the show that's got
9:40:08 > 9:40:12more jokes than James Brokenshire has broken deadlines.
9:40:12 > 9:40:14And that's a lot of jokes!
9:40:14 > 9:40:17I'm Tim McGarry and our regular panellists are of course
9:40:17 > 9:40:21Colin Murphy, Jake O'Kane and Neil Delamere.
9:40:21 > 9:40:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
9:40:26 > 9:40:30And our special guest tonight is a star of theatre, film and TV,
9:40:30 > 9:40:31and as if that wasn't enough,
9:40:31 > 9:40:34she's also one of Ireland's funniest stand-up comedians.
9:40:34 > 9:40:36One review said that when she exits,
9:40:36 > 9:40:39applause follows her all the way down the street.
9:40:39 > 9:40:41Likewise when I finish a gig,
9:40:41 > 9:40:44I'm followed all the way down the street by people shouting,
9:40:44 > 9:40:46"Da, I want my money back!"
9:40:46 > 9:40:48LAUGHTER
9:40:48 > 9:40:51Please welcome the fabulous Deirdre O'Kane!
9:40:51 > 9:40:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
9:40:57 > 9:41:00Yes, it's a new series of The Blame Game. We're back!
9:41:00 > 9:41:03We're like the Northern Ireland Assembly, except we're back!
9:41:03 > 9:41:05LAUGHTER
9:41:05 > 9:41:08And to start the series, we're in the wonderful Ardhowen Theatre
9:41:08 > 9:41:10in Enniskillen, County Fermanagh.
9:41:10 > 9:41:14The name Fermanagh, of course, comes from the Irish "Fir Manach",
9:41:14 > 9:41:16meaning "frack all you want".
9:41:20 > 9:41:23The county is famous for its close links to literature,
9:41:23 > 9:41:25art and culture.
9:41:25 > 9:41:28Both Samuel Beckett and Oscar Wilde went to school in Enniskillen,
9:41:28 > 9:41:32plus Fermanagh is home to Coronation Street's Charlie Lawson.
9:41:32 > 9:41:33So it is.
9:41:36 > 9:41:38Fermanagh is also Arlene Foster's home county,
9:41:38 > 9:41:42and I'm just looking to see if she's in tonight...she's in...
9:41:42 > 9:41:43No, strange.
9:41:44 > 9:41:46Not as if she has much on at the minute.
9:41:49 > 9:41:52Arlene is still Northern Ireland's First Minister, which is
9:41:52 > 9:41:56a job of enormous importance. Arlene has two main duties.
9:41:56 > 9:41:58Number one, every day she has to repeat the phrase,
9:41:58 > 9:42:01"No, you're not getting an Irish language act."
9:42:01 > 9:42:03And number two, now that winter is coming,
9:42:03 > 9:42:06she has to remind the elderly to keep warm
9:42:06 > 9:42:07by moving out of their homes
9:42:07 > 9:42:10and into a barn with an RHI boiler.
9:42:12 > 9:42:14APPLAUSE
9:42:17 > 9:42:18Now, on with the show!
9:42:18 > 9:42:21The audience asks the questions and our panel provide
9:42:21 > 9:42:22some very unreliable answers.
9:42:22 > 9:42:25So, who's to blame for the Ardhowen Theatre being overheated tonight?
9:42:25 > 9:42:28And that comes from someone called Michelle Gildernew. Is it...?
9:42:30 > 9:42:33APPLAUSE
9:42:36 > 9:42:39Is that Michelle Gildernew, the-the local MP?
9:42:39 > 9:42:41Yes, no, I saw her taking her seat earlier on.
9:42:41 > 9:42:43First time for everything.
9:42:47 > 9:42:50Who's to blame for the Northern Ireland population who keep
9:42:50 > 9:42:52voting for the same political arseholes
9:42:52 > 9:42:54at each and every election?
9:42:54 > 9:42:56Michelle Gildernew, erm...?
9:43:02 > 9:43:04But what is our first question tonight?
9:43:04 > 9:43:06Our first question tonight is,
9:43:06 > 9:43:09who do you blame for the talks finally failing?
9:43:09 > 9:43:12We're recording this programme a few days before it's broadcast
9:43:12 > 9:43:15so there is actually a chance that by the time you are watching
9:43:15 > 9:43:19this, the talks have succeeded and an historic deal has been reached.
9:43:19 > 9:43:23Of course there's slightly more chance of Ian Paisley snogging
9:43:23 > 9:43:25Gerry Adams at a disco in the Gaeltacht.
9:43:29 > 9:43:31Despite not being at work for nine months,
9:43:31 > 9:43:35Assembly Members are still being paid, and even got a pay rise.
9:43:35 > 9:43:39Yes, it turns out that MLA is even better than DLA!
9:43:39 > 9:43:43LAUGHTER APPLAUSE
9:43:48 > 9:43:52But who can we blame for the talks finally failing?
9:43:52 > 9:43:54Are they failing?
9:43:54 > 9:43:57I don't think you'll be failing if you were an MLA
9:43:57 > 9:44:00and you'd got nine months' free paid leave!
9:44:00 > 9:44:03I think you wouldn't mind that at all,
9:44:03 > 9:44:05just pottering about your garden or whatever else they do.
9:44:05 > 9:44:06Yous remember why it fell over,
9:44:06 > 9:44:09why the Assembly fell over in the first place was RHI,
9:44:09 > 9:44:13the most expensive chicken heating system in the history of humanity, right?
9:44:13 > 9:44:16That's gone from 500 million to being up now to 700 million -
9:44:16 > 9:44:17nobody even noticed!
9:44:17 > 9:44:19Nobody noticed, because it's all changed,
9:44:19 > 9:44:23it's all now gone to language. They're arguing about language.
9:44:23 > 9:44:27Only 3% of candidates at the last election could speak Irish
9:44:27 > 9:44:30but they want an Irish language act.
9:44:30 > 9:44:33And the DUP being the DUP,
9:44:33 > 9:44:35"Well if they're getting in their language act,
9:44:35 > 9:44:37"we want our own Ulster Scots act."
9:44:37 > 9:44:39So we now have this impasse
9:44:39 > 9:44:42because one party want a language that nobody speaks
9:44:42 > 9:44:46and the other party wants a language that doesn't even exist!
9:44:46 > 9:44:50LAUGHTER APPLAUSE
9:44:52 > 9:44:54And you see this...
9:44:54 > 9:44:58You see the MLAS - "No, we're doing an awful lot of
9:44:58 > 9:45:03"very good constituency work behind the scenes."
9:45:03 > 9:45:05Please! As we say in Northern Ireland,
9:45:05 > 9:45:09"Don't pee down my neck and tell me it's raining, do you understand?"
9:45:11 > 9:45:14So you get angry, I get angry. Going to complain.
9:45:14 > 9:45:15Who are you going to complain to?
9:45:15 > 9:45:17You might as well complain to Ghostbusters
9:45:17 > 9:45:21cos you may as well... There's nobody coming... MLAs?
9:45:21 > 9:45:24The turkeys aren't going to vote for Christmas!
9:45:24 > 9:45:26These turkeys don't vote at all!
9:45:28 > 9:45:30So where are you going to go? You go to Chief Constable.
9:45:30 > 9:45:31Good.
9:45:33 > 9:45:36Go to the Chief Constable, can't go to Chief Constable.
9:45:36 > 9:45:37He's rather busy...
9:45:37 > 9:45:42because he's being invested by the police themselves, so...
9:45:42 > 9:45:44I was really desperate then, I thought, that's it.
9:45:44 > 9:45:46I'll just bite the bullet, I'll go to wee Brokenshire.
9:45:46 > 9:45:49I'll go to wee... I'll go to wee James, wee James.
9:45:49 > 9:45:50That's how desperate I got.
9:45:50 > 9:45:53Because Secretaries of State, if you're my age, you know
9:45:53 > 9:45:56are the dregs of Westminster.
9:45:56 > 9:46:00The dregs of Westminster have been sent here for decades
9:46:00 > 9:46:04to be our overlords, except for Mo Mowlam, who was the exception.
9:46:04 > 9:46:06But wee James...
9:46:06 > 9:46:07is a wimp
9:46:07 > 9:46:09of proportions
9:46:09 > 9:46:13even we have not seen before!
9:46:14 > 9:46:17There have been so many... What did he say? What did he call them?
9:46:17 > 9:46:20- "This is the last one..." - Deadlines.- Deadlines!- Ultimatum.
9:46:20 > 9:46:24Oh, no, deadlines! "Right, this is the last deadline. OK, Monday."
9:46:24 > 9:46:26"Monday. You chaps better this sorted right by Monday.
9:46:26 > 9:46:28"OK, Tuesday. Tuesday'll do fine. Right, then.
9:46:28 > 9:46:30"OK, next week, next week's fine!
9:46:30 > 9:46:32"We're making wonderful progress."
9:46:32 > 9:46:35You know looking at this wimp he's been bullied from his first day
9:46:35 > 9:46:37in public school.
9:46:37 > 9:46:40And he's still having his pocket money stolen from him,
9:46:40 > 9:46:42only this time it's by MLAs!
9:46:44 > 9:46:46James, if you're watching, bit of advice.
9:46:46 > 9:46:50Here's the difference between Mo Mowlam and James Brokenshire.
9:46:50 > 9:46:52Know it? One word.
9:46:52 > 9:46:53Balls!
9:46:54 > 9:46:56Balls!
9:46:56 > 9:46:59LAUGHTER APPLAUSE
9:47:03 > 9:47:06- No, no...- This may be comedy for you but it's therapy for me,
9:47:06 > 9:47:08that's all I'm saying!
9:47:08 > 9:47:10We ought to try and get somebody in the DUP
9:47:10 > 9:47:12to support the Irish language.
9:47:12 > 9:47:15Why don't you just tell Ian Paisley Jr that there's a Gaeltacht in Sri Lanka?
9:47:15 > 9:47:19LAUGHTER
9:47:20 > 9:47:25But the Shinners are very keen on the Catalan thing. Very keen.
9:47:25 > 9:47:27They had a...what was it,
9:47:27 > 9:47:30demonstrations of support for the people of Catalonia?
9:47:30 > 9:47:33Er...at the weekend, and they had, erm,
9:47:33 > 9:47:37they had sort of demonstrations in Derry at the Free Derry wall
9:47:37 > 9:47:40and they put the thing up, and then there were demonstrations
9:47:40 > 9:47:41in Belfast, demonstrations in Dublin, and...
9:47:41 > 9:47:44- WHISPERS:- ..nobody went. And, er...
9:47:44 > 9:47:45And was...? I don't know whether...
9:47:45 > 9:47:48Was Gerry speaking Spanish at all during this? I don't know.
9:47:48 > 9:47:51I'm sure he was trying to speak it, probably as well as he speaks Irish.
9:47:51 > 9:47:54And, erm... It's hilarious watching him when you see footage of him
9:47:54 > 9:47:57in the Dail when he's speaking in Irish and you can just hear everybody going,
9:47:57 > 9:47:58"Oh, oh, oh, o-oh, o-oh!"
9:47:58 > 9:48:02It's the way we use to react when we saw your woman from Girls Aloud speaking.
9:48:02 > 9:48:05- You know what I mean?- Nadine. - "Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh! Shh!"
9:48:05 > 9:48:07Gerry's losing it.
9:48:07 > 9:48:09- Gerry's definitely...- That's why we need an Irish language act.
9:48:09 > 9:48:11Gerry's losing it. Did you see Gerry in the Dail the other week?
9:48:11 > 9:48:13He was talking and he was arguing one-on-one across the way
9:48:13 > 9:48:16about the Budget or something, and they said something,
9:48:16 > 9:48:18- he said something, like... - AS GERRY ADAMS:- "Well, actually,
9:48:18 > 9:48:23"actually, it's £30 a bottle of wine."
9:48:23 > 9:48:25Where are you buying your wine, Gerry?
9:48:25 > 9:48:28You must put some subsidy on Buckfast!
9:48:28 > 9:48:30Gerry's never used the wine, he's poured out the wine,
9:48:30 > 9:48:33he's put an oily rag in the top of the bottle and then...
9:48:33 > 9:48:35LAUGHTER
9:48:35 > 9:48:37The best heckle, the best heckle was during that,
9:48:37 > 9:48:39when he said it was 30 euro for a bottle of wine
9:48:39 > 9:48:42and everybody started heckling him, and one guy said,
9:48:42 > 9:48:45he says - listen to this - "Chucky-ah la-di-da!"
9:48:45 > 9:48:47Isn't that brilliant?
9:48:51 > 9:48:55Thank you very much for that. Yes, indeed, Catalonia is in crisis.
9:48:55 > 9:48:59Many in Spain and Catalonia think the constitutional dispute
9:48:59 > 9:49:00will be quickly resolved.
9:49:00 > 9:49:03Bad news. WE thought that in 1998.
9:49:04 > 9:49:07The President of Catalonia, Carles Puigdemont,
9:49:07 > 9:49:10declared independence and then fled to Belgium.
9:49:10 > 9:49:11He now has a few options.
9:49:11 > 9:49:14He could go back and face trial for treason,
9:49:14 > 9:49:17he could go into exile, or he could do a Gerry Adams
9:49:17 > 9:49:19and deny he was ever a member of the Catalan parliament.
9:49:21 > 9:49:23So, what is our next question tonight?
9:49:23 > 9:49:26Who do you blame for taking the fun out of flying?
9:49:26 > 9:49:29Yes, extra security checks on flights to America
9:49:29 > 9:49:30are being introduced.
9:49:30 > 9:49:33Passengers will be questioned before they board flights.
9:49:33 > 9:49:36We don't know what the questions are yet but if you want to go to
9:49:36 > 9:49:40America and they ask you, "Is Donald Trump a total arsehole?"
9:49:40 > 9:49:43whatever you do, don't give them the right answer.
9:49:45 > 9:49:50- But who can we blame for taking the fun out of flying?- Well...
9:49:50 > 9:49:53I have a sister who was an air hostess for a while,
9:49:53 > 9:49:55she worked for British Airways. And Jennifer Lopez
9:49:55 > 9:49:56took the fun out of it for her
9:49:56 > 9:50:01- because she kind of caused her to be fired.- Jennifer Lopez?- J Lo?
9:50:01 > 9:50:04- From the block?- J Lo, the very one, from the block. She was...
9:50:04 > 9:50:07My sister, who I never understood how she got this job, by the way,
9:50:07 > 9:50:09cos she has a horrible manner.
9:50:15 > 9:50:17She doesn't even really like people.
9:50:17 > 9:50:21But British Airways thought she was fabulous, so they promoted
9:50:21 > 9:50:24her to being a bursar, looking after passengers who flew first class.
9:50:24 > 9:50:27And Jennifer Lopez happened to be on her flight.
9:50:27 > 9:50:30They were flying from London to Los Angeles.
9:50:30 > 9:50:32And J Lo had a personal assistant with her.
9:50:32 > 9:50:34And the personal assistant kept asking my sister.
9:50:34 > 9:50:37She kept going, "Excuse me, J Lo would like some water."
9:50:37 > 9:50:39Minutes later, she'd go, "J Lo would like some coffee.
9:50:39 > 9:50:41"More water, more coffee. More water, more coffee.
9:50:41 > 9:50:44"More coffee, more water. More water, more coffee."
9:50:44 > 9:50:46And there was no pleasing her. "Thank you," as my sister said,
9:50:46 > 9:50:49"If there was a please or a thank you." Anyway, this went on
9:50:49 > 9:50:51for several hours but they were talking to the wrong girl.
9:50:51 > 9:50:55The wrong girl. She cracked after about five hours of the flight
9:50:55 > 9:51:00and she went down to Jennifer Lopez's PA and she said to her...
9:51:01 > 9:51:03"Come here to me," she said.
9:51:06 > 9:51:13"Can J Lo not ask for the water herself?" And the PA said, "Oh, no.
9:51:13 > 9:51:17"J Lo doesn't speak to flight attendants."
9:51:18 > 9:51:19To which the sister said,
9:51:19 > 9:51:22"Oh, that's gas!
9:51:23 > 9:51:26"I knew she couldn't sing..."
9:51:26 > 9:51:28UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER
9:51:35 > 9:51:36She actually got away with that.
9:51:36 > 9:51:39She wasn't fired for that set of events
9:51:39 > 9:51:42but she was fired months later because she had another...
9:51:42 > 9:51:45Happened to be an American passenger who was particularly loud
9:51:45 > 9:51:48and arrogant, and he was going, "I need water, I need...
9:51:48 > 9:51:51"Can I get a gin and tonic? I need a blanket, I'm cold."
9:51:51 > 9:51:53And hot on the heels of J Lo, the patience was low,
9:51:53 > 9:51:56so she went down to him a couple of hours into the flight
9:51:56 > 9:51:58and she said, and she said it as nicely as she could,
9:51:58 > 9:52:00she said, "Sir...
9:52:00 > 9:52:03"would you ever F off?"
9:52:04 > 9:52:08And the man... This man just lost the plot, as you would
9:52:08 > 9:52:12if you'd spent several thousand dollars on a first-class ticket.
9:52:12 > 9:52:14He lost it. He said, "This is absolutely outrageous,
9:52:14 > 9:52:16"and I want to see the pilot or the autopilot,
9:52:16 > 9:52:18"I want to see whoever's in charge here."
9:52:18 > 9:52:19The autopilot couldn't come down to him.
9:52:19 > 9:52:22He was busy looking out for mountains, but anyway...
9:52:22 > 9:52:26The pilot came down. My sister had a reputation, so... Funnily enough!
9:52:26 > 9:52:30And he took her aside and he said, "Liz, please tell me...
9:52:30 > 9:52:33"Please tell me that you did not tell that man to F off."
9:52:33 > 9:52:35And she said...
9:52:35 > 9:52:39"No, I didn't. No, no. He's mad. He's absolutely barking.
9:52:39 > 9:52:42"He's been ranting and raving from the minute he got onto the flight.
9:52:42 > 9:52:45"Not well, not well. Keep away from him."
9:52:45 > 9:52:48So the pilot went down to the man in question and said,
9:52:48 > 9:52:51"Sir, I apologise profusely and I'm very sorry about what happened.
9:52:51 > 9:52:55"However, my staff member tells me that she didn't tell you to F off."
9:52:55 > 9:52:58He said, "Now, I believe you and I'm going to take her away
9:52:58 > 9:53:00"and someone else is going to look after you."
9:53:00 > 9:53:03He said, "Here's some champagne, it's on the plane."
9:53:03 > 9:53:07He managed to appease the man until they landed at LAX airport.
9:53:07 > 9:53:08But when they did land,
9:53:08 > 9:53:11my sister went back over to her side of the plane just to get her
9:53:11 > 9:53:16own coat, and the guy shouted at her, "Uh, could you get MY coat?"
9:53:16 > 9:53:19So she went down to him and she said...
9:53:19 > 9:53:21"I thought I told you..."
9:53:28 > 9:53:31- And she was fired! - Americans are like that.
9:53:31 > 9:53:34On the one hand, they can be the nicest people in the world
9:53:34 > 9:53:36and very, very pleasant, and very, very polite,
9:53:36 > 9:53:39but they've got a way of asking for things, do you know what I mean?
9:53:39 > 9:53:43- "I want! Get me!" - That's what she said.- We don't.
9:53:43 > 9:53:48We go, "Jesus, you wouldn't, I couldn't now... I know I'm...
9:53:48 > 9:53:53"You probably wouldn't have... Jesus, don't even bother!
9:53:53 > 9:53:56- "It's all right, I'll go without it."- We do it in the negative.
9:53:56 > 9:53:59You go into a shop and go, "You wouldn't have bread?"
9:53:59 > 9:54:02"Well, it's a bakery, of course we'll have bread, yeah."
9:54:02 > 9:54:04That's how they should have asked for it in Ashers.
9:54:04 > 9:54:07"You wouldn't have a cake that supports gay marriage, would you?"
9:54:12 > 9:54:14I got kicked off a flight once for being cheeky
9:54:14 > 9:54:15on a boarding pass during the Troubles,
9:54:15 > 9:54:18a long time ago under the Prevention of Terrorism Act.
9:54:18 > 9:54:21In fairness, that was a helicopter and it was over South Armagh.
9:54:23 > 9:54:25The Prevention of Terrorism Act,
9:54:25 > 9:54:27and you had to fill in this form where you're going from.
9:54:27 > 9:54:30The question and it, "Purpose of visit."
9:54:30 > 9:54:32And just for a laugh, I wrote, "friendly".
9:54:32 > 9:54:35LAUGHTER
9:54:35 > 9:54:37Did you see the woman who was on a flight,
9:54:37 > 9:54:40she'd booked a flight from Glasgow to Crete?
9:54:40 > 9:54:42She was going off to Crete for a month, to write her book.
9:54:42 > 9:54:45And the flight was £46, £49 or something.
9:54:45 > 9:54:48- She turned up, proper Jumbo Jet, 737, Jet2.com or something?- Yeah.
9:54:48 > 9:54:51Turns up, only passenger on the plane. She's the only person there.
9:54:51 > 9:54:54She's sitting there and apparently when they were doing the checks,
9:54:54 > 9:54:57like, even the announcements were personalised to her.
9:54:57 > 9:55:00So, the pilot came on and went, "OK, this is your pilot,
9:55:00 > 9:55:05"Captain Phillips speaking... Karen, We're flying at 15,000 feet."
9:55:05 > 9:55:08And then when they were doing the checks, the cabin crew came and sat down beside her
9:55:08 > 9:55:10and went, "See when that light goes off?" She goes, "Yeah?"
9:55:10 > 9:55:13"You can run up and down if you want."
9:55:13 > 9:55:15And she did! She was like...
9:55:15 > 9:55:17And you know your friend is a proper culchie,
9:55:17 > 9:55:19when I explained this to my friend from home,
9:55:19 > 9:55:22I said, she was only one on the flight and his eyes just went...
9:55:22 > 9:55:25- HE GASPS - "Can you imagine how many dinners she'd get!"
9:55:25 > 9:55:29LAUGHTER APPLAUSE
9:55:29 > 9:55:32That was his reaction!
9:55:33 > 9:55:36To me, if you get to fly alone, that's a business class experience.
9:55:36 > 9:55:39I was lucky enough to have a business class experience
9:55:39 > 9:55:43by accident, I got upgraded on a flight to Vietnam with my children.
9:55:43 > 9:55:46And they completely ruined it for me.
9:55:46 > 9:55:50I would have given anything to be flying alone!
9:55:50 > 9:55:53- The kids ruined it? - They totally ruined my flight.
9:55:53 > 9:55:56Was your sister on it as well? LAUGHTER
9:55:57 > 9:55:59It was about 14 hours.
9:55:59 > 9:56:02The first seven were fabulous because, by the way,
9:56:02 > 9:56:06when you get upgraded to business class, you become a different class.
9:56:06 > 9:56:09Honestly, the way I walked into that airport, like I owned it.
9:56:09 > 9:56:11I walked in, straight up to desk,
9:56:11 > 9:56:14"Hello! "Hello, Mrs O'Kane," how are you?"
9:56:14 > 9:56:17"I'm fabulous. Look at me, look at the children. All my own work."
9:56:17 > 9:56:19Anyway, they said to me, "No need for you to be queuing here."
9:56:19 > 9:56:22Straight through to the business class lounge, free food, free drink.
9:56:22 > 9:56:25My kids were locked. And...
9:56:25 > 9:56:28we got on the plane and everybody up in business class is very
9:56:28 > 9:56:31smug - all looking round at each other going, "Hello, hello.
9:56:31 > 9:56:33"Aren't we the kind that deserve to be up here?"
9:56:33 > 9:56:36But anyway, first seven hours of the flight were absolutely fantastic.
9:56:36 > 9:56:39There was music, there was food, there was wine, there was
9:56:39 > 9:56:42more music. And then they made this announcement.
9:56:42 > 9:56:44"Ladies and gentleman, we're just going to lower the lights,
9:56:44 > 9:56:47"so you can recline in your business class beds..."
9:56:47 > 9:56:49That turn into seats or whatever they do, turn into beds,
9:56:49 > 9:56:51"..and you can have a lovely big kip for yourselves."
9:56:51 > 9:56:54And that's when it all went tits up for me
9:56:54 > 9:56:58because my then four-year-old son had been on the iPad for about a half an hour,
9:56:58 > 9:57:02playing a game called Temple Run. And if you don't know what that is, I had googled it and it said,
9:57:02 > 9:57:06"An endless running game." Focus on the word endless. Right?
9:57:06 > 9:57:10And he was running, running, running, over bridges, over bridges and all the rest of it.
9:57:10 > 9:57:13What I'm saying is, it's high simulation, right? 20 minutes of it is loads.
9:57:13 > 9:57:16So, I thought, this is my opportunity to take it off him
9:57:16 > 9:57:20and I said, "Daniel, the captain said everyone has to put their technology away now.
9:57:20 > 9:57:22"We're going to go for a lovely big sleep."
9:57:22 > 9:57:26And he said, "No-o-o-o!" Very loudly, like that.
9:57:26 > 9:57:30And there was quite a lot of, "Shhh!" from around the business class cabin.
9:57:30 > 9:57:33So I thought, OK, I'll try my firm-but-fair mum voice.
9:57:33 > 9:57:36"Daniel, everyone's technology is going away. You have to put the iPad away."
9:57:36 > 9:57:38And he screamed even louder, "No-o-o!"
9:57:38 > 9:57:41So I thought, "Oh, Christ, oh, my God..." Panic was setting in.
9:57:41 > 9:57:44One man looked at me, one of the passengers,
9:57:44 > 9:57:48he locked eyes with me in a kind of, "Please, I am begging you not
9:57:48 > 9:57:50"to mess up the six grand I have spent on this ticket."
9:57:50 > 9:57:53LAUGHTER
9:57:53 > 9:57:56So, I thought, OK, right, I'll have to do my firm-but-fair
9:57:56 > 9:57:59while pinching the arm off him. So, I said, "Daniel, give me the iPad NOW."
9:57:59 > 9:58:02And he went, "Argh! You're hurting me!"
9:58:02 > 9:58:06He screamed it. And I thought, OK, that's it. I have to let it go.
9:58:06 > 9:58:08I have to let go. What's the worst that's going to happen?
9:58:08 > 9:58:11He's just going to fall asleep eventually. No.
9:58:11 > 9:58:15I did not sleep on that flight because he played Temple Run for seven hours straight.
9:58:15 > 9:58:18LAUGHTER
9:58:18 > 9:58:21All I can say is, by the time we landed in Vietnam,
9:58:21 > 9:58:23we looked like we had walked.
9:58:23 > 9:58:26LAUGHTER
9:58:26 > 9:58:29- He's like...- Why do you fly? I don't know why yous bother.
9:58:29 > 9:58:33I don't trust the planes. The planes, the wheels are too small.
9:58:33 > 9:58:36- The wheels are too small for a big, big plane.- You'd drown otherwise.
9:58:36 > 9:58:39No, I think there's enough here. There's enough here for a lifetime.
9:58:39 > 9:58:42The things that you have on offer - Fermanagh!
9:58:42 > 9:58:46Look what Fermanagh has, you've got the lakes, the Marble Arch Caves.
9:58:46 > 9:58:49- They're caves you go into! - LAUGHTER
9:58:49 > 9:58:51Big caves...
9:58:51 > 9:58:55Sorry, can I just point out, even the Fermanagh people are looking at you, going, "Hmm..."
9:58:55 > 9:58:59No, this is the point. They weren't open to the public until 1985.
9:58:59 > 9:59:01They've been there for thousands of years.
9:59:01 > 9:59:04For thousands of years, parents here have been saying
9:59:04 > 9:59:07to their kids, "Here you, stay away from thon big hole! Don't you go near...
9:59:07 > 9:59:11"You fall in that big hole, I'm not going in for you. You'll fall in yourself!"
9:59:11 > 9:59:14How was it discovered? Some wee man walking home. Fell in.
9:59:14 > 9:59:16Eyes adjusted, sitting there.
9:59:16 > 9:59:20Thought to himself, "Cheers, boy, I'll tell ye what, hey?
9:59:20 > 9:59:23Couple of lights and a wee boat, you'd make a fortune here.
9:59:23 > 9:59:25LAUGHTER
9:59:25 > 9:59:27Thank you. Thank you very much for that.
9:59:27 > 9:59:30Yes, despite cancelling thousands of flights recently,
9:59:30 > 9:59:34Ryanair actually made a profit of £1.5 billion.
9:59:34 > 9:59:37How many Ryanair employees does it take to change a light bulb?
9:59:37 > 9:59:40Just one. But there's a surcharge if you want to switch it on.
9:59:40 > 9:59:42LAUGHTER
9:59:42 > 9:59:45So, what is our next question tonight?
9:59:45 > 9:59:47Who you blame for Fermanagh's good fortunes?
9:59:47 > 9:59:50Yes, Fermanagh has reserves of shale gas
9:59:50 > 9:59:53and now there's talk of mining for diamonds.
9:59:53 > 9:59:56You'll know if diamonds have been found if you're in Lisnaskea
9:59:56 > 0:00:00and Arlene Foster drives past in a gold Massey Ferguson.
0:00:00 > 0:00:04LAUGHTER
0:00:04 > 0:00:07But who can we blame for Fermanagh's good fortune?
0:00:07 > 0:00:09Yes, it is the diamonds. Basically...
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# Diamonds are Fermana-a-agh! #
0:00:12 > 0:00:15And, it's...yeah, but people aren't happy about it.
0:00:15 > 0:00:21This company have applied to do test drills, apparently.
0:00:21 > 0:00:24But they said it is not mining, it basically allows them
0:00:24 > 0:00:28to prospect and to do petrochemical tests and drill
0:00:28 > 0:00:31and do boreholes, but it's not mining.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33It's definitely not mining.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35But the local council said no to the whole thing.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38They said "No, we don't want it." The mining company said,
0:00:38 > 0:00:41"Well, it will create lots of new jobs," and the local people went,
0:00:41 > 0:00:44"Hmm, there are not many miners here that are any good. You know?"
0:00:44 > 0:00:47"The senior team's not bad. But the minor team is not great.
0:00:47 > 0:00:51- "In fairness." - APPLAUSE
0:00:52 > 0:00:56Apparently, that's what it was, they wanted to do this exploration stuff,
0:00:56 > 0:00:59and they reckon there's diamonds and it's far enough away from the border.
0:00:59 > 0:01:03It's not like the fracking thing, that was right on the border.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06And... all of a sudden, cos the gas goes sideways, you see,
0:01:06 > 0:01:09so, all of a sudden they could be nicking shale gas from the South.
0:01:09 > 0:01:13- Oh, God. It starts with diesel and then goes to shale gas.- You see?
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Under your feet, you know?
0:01:15 > 0:01:19Everybody down South, standing, going, "I can feel the floor moving!"
0:01:19 > 0:01:21It is. It's unbelievable.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23The lakes and things go across the border, so you've guys smuggling
0:01:23 > 0:01:27- in the best way possible, on a boat, going... - HE MIMICS MOTOR
0:01:27 > 0:01:31Just, how brilliant is that? If you're going to smuggle your property,
0:01:31 > 0:01:33there's no point in driving a truck across the border.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Just get in a boat with a load of chickens...
0:01:35 > 0:01:38There are HOUSES on the border. There was a programme on recently
0:01:38 > 0:01:41and there was a house and the front of the house was in Northern Ireland
0:01:41 > 0:01:45and the back of the house was in the Republic of Ireland. Now, you want to live in that house!
0:01:45 > 0:01:48The craic you'd have with the TV Licence inspector.
0:01:48 > 0:01:52- LAUGHTER - "Do you have a television?" "I do."
0:01:52 > 0:01:54"Do you have a licence?" "No, I don't!"
0:01:54 > 0:01:56"Where's your television?" "Cavan."
0:01:56 > 0:01:59LAUGHTER APPLAUSE
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Thank you, thank you very much for that.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Our next question tonight is, who do you blame for excessive celebrations?
0:02:09 > 0:02:12In Kilkenny, GAA players from Ballyragget were filmed celebrating
0:02:12 > 0:02:16a cup win in the company of two strippers.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19The players have been criticised, with people saying
0:02:19 > 0:02:23the behaviour was not in line with the ethics of the GAA. Not sure why.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26Maybe the strippers were wearing PSNI uniforms.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28LAUGHTER APPLAUSE
0:02:35 > 0:02:38But who can we blame for excessive celebrations?
0:02:38 > 0:02:41The big excessive celebration was the boys in Derry, who were
0:02:41 > 0:02:47anti-agreement Republicans who put a Provo snowman on their headquarters.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51You see that? So, it's a snowman with an RPG, like an Armalite.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54Saying, "Wishing you an explosive Christmas."
0:02:54 > 0:02:56First of all, that makes no sense unless
0:02:56 > 0:03:01you've sat beside my brother and he's had sprouts and stuffing.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03It is vicious.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Secondly, he's holding it wrong, as well.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09Thirdly, he has snowman arms, which, snowmen don't have arms,
0:03:09 > 0:03:12- do they? What do they have for arms?- Twigs.- Sticks, twigs, yeah.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Except every twig in Northern Ireland is now
0:03:14 > 0:03:17a wood pellet in an RHI boiler.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Have you ever heard of a Provo snowman? "Tiocfaidh Ar Igloo"?
0:03:20 > 0:03:24It makes no sense at all. If there's a Christmas character, who has clearly been in The Ra,
0:03:24 > 0:03:27it's Santa Claus, I think we all know this. It's Santa Claus.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30He is from the North. He has a big beard. He knows where you live.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33LAUGHTER
0:03:33 > 0:03:37He leaves a package in your house at night. Come on!
0:03:37 > 0:03:43- So, that's ridiculous. And Ballyragg-at in GAA land... - Sorry, did you just poshify that?
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Yeah it's called Bally-regret by some people who live near there.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Genuinely. Ballyragget is actually what it's called.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52And apparently, there was a lewd act with these two strippers.
0:03:52 > 0:03:53And we have to stress, though,
0:03:53 > 0:03:56that not all the players were involved in this.
0:03:56 > 0:04:01- Only a handful, is how the stripper described one of the lads. - LAUGHTER
0:04:01 > 0:04:07You know, I'm not allowed to bring the GAA into disrepute unless I actually praise it as well.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Because I'll be killed if I go home.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12So, no, did you see in West Belfast, there was a school that
0:04:12 > 0:04:15broke the world record for biggest hurling training session ever.
0:04:15 > 0:04:20600 kids had hurleys and did a training session.
0:04:20 > 0:04:21600 kids. Two Catholic families.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23LAUGHTER
0:04:25 > 0:04:28I have to say, I have a new-found respect for the women who do
0:04:28 > 0:04:31charge for their services because I have reached
0:04:31 > 0:04:35a stage of my life now where I insist on being paid for sex, myself.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39It's just too boring. It's just too boring.
0:04:39 > 0:04:43Long-term relationships, like? Do you know what I mean? Anyone? Anyone? No?
0:04:43 > 0:04:45LAUGHTER
0:04:45 > 0:04:49So, anyway, I insist on it, and himself leaves a bit of cash by the side of the
0:04:49 > 0:04:53bed and if it's not a lot, I just pretend I'm asleep.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56- And if it is a decent wage... - You'll go for it.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59I'll have the three jumpers off me in a heartbeat.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01LAUGHTER
0:05:03 > 0:05:05He's got a loyalty card now, as well.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10It's where he swipes it, is what worries me.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14No, if he pays me for ten rides, he can ride somebody else for free.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16LAUGHTER
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Do you know who really got annoyed about excessive celebrations?
0:05:21 > 0:05:22Jim Wells.
0:05:22 > 0:05:27Over the summer, Jim Wells got really annoyed about the Belfast Pride parade
0:05:27 > 0:05:30because he worked for the National Trust, you see?
0:05:30 > 0:05:33And the National Trust got involved in the Belfast Pride parade.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36And Jim got very hot under the collar.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39He said it was a disgrace and he went on Twitter
0:05:39 > 0:05:42and said he was cancelling his membership and that was it.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45And I'm sure he did a wee dance around his bedroom
0:05:45 > 0:05:46when he thought - "Yooo!"
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Of course, the result of that is pretty much
0:05:49 > 0:05:51everybody in Northern Ireland who had never
0:05:51 > 0:05:53heard of the National Trust, had no
0:05:53 > 0:05:57interest in the National Trust, went out and joined the National Trust.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59LAUGHTER
0:05:59 > 0:06:01People who've never seen a stately home before in their lives,
0:06:01 > 0:06:04suddenly had cards for the National Trust.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06LAUGHTER
0:06:06 > 0:06:10Guys like me walking about going, "I wonder if this place has got alarms?
0:06:10 > 0:06:12"Do you think it's got alarms?"
0:06:12 > 0:06:14LAUGHTER
0:06:14 > 0:06:16This is an advertising opportunity.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19You do dress like someone who owns a stately home.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22- POSH VOICE:- Yes, it is nice, isn't it?- It is.- It is quite nice.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24But this is an advertising opportunity.
0:06:24 > 0:06:28For example, Jim Wells the opposite, it's negative advertising, admittedly.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31- If Jim Wells came out and said... - That's enough. Just stop it there!
0:06:31 > 0:06:34LAUGHTER
0:06:34 > 0:06:36APPLAUSE
0:06:37 > 0:06:38Can you imagine that?
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Thank you, thank you very much for that.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Just time now for our quickfire round.
0:06:46 > 0:06:47I will read you various newspaper headlines
0:06:47 > 0:06:50and I want you to be faster than that tractor
0:06:50 > 0:06:53I was stuck behind on the road between Augher and Clogher.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55LAUGHTER
0:06:57 > 0:06:59In ten metres, turn far-right.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01LAUGHTER
0:07:03 > 0:07:06New names for the First and Deputy First Ministers.
0:07:06 > 0:07:07LAUGHTER
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Kevin Spacey.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15GROANS
0:07:15 > 0:07:18Glad we did that at the end of the show.
0:07:18 > 0:07:19LAUGHTER
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Yes, I am.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25LAUGHTER
0:07:29 > 0:07:31They come back with Black Rod.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34LAUGHTER
0:07:34 > 0:07:36APPLAUSE
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Is really, really difficult for demolition experts.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48LAUGHTER
0:07:48 > 0:07:50And finally...
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Just cut a hole in your pocket.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55LAUGHTER
0:07:55 > 0:07:57APPLAUSE
0:08:01 > 0:08:03That's it, ladies and gentlemen. That's the end of the show.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05Please show your appreciation to our panel,
0:08:05 > 0:08:10Colin Murphy, Deirdre O'Kane, Jake O'Kane and Neil Delamere!
0:08:10 > 0:08:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:16 > 0:08:18I'm Tim McGarry and until next time,
0:08:18 > 0:08:21don't blame yourselves, blame each other. Goodbye.