7:50:01 > 7:50:03APPLAUSE
7:50:12 > 7:50:17Hello and welcome to The Blame Game - the show that takes the news,
7:50:17 > 7:50:20sends it to an offshore trust fund in the Cayman Islands,
7:50:20 > 7:50:23then passes it on to a subsidiary in Mauritius before bringing it back
7:50:23 > 7:50:27to Northern Ireland and pretending nothing dodgy has happened.
7:50:27 > 7:50:30Yes, we want you to laugh like the head of Apple Computers
7:50:30 > 7:50:32getting his tax bill.
7:50:33 > 7:50:36I'm Tim McGarry and our very dodgy regular panellists are,
7:50:36 > 7:50:40of course, Colin Murphy, Jake O'Kane and Neil Delamere.
7:50:40 > 7:50:42APPLAUSE
7:50:48 > 7:50:52And our special guest tonight is a rising star of the stand-up circuit.
7:50:52 > 7:50:55In 2016, he had a hit show at the Edinburgh Festival
7:50:55 > 7:50:58called Conswervative. His TV appearances
7:50:58 > 7:51:01since then include Edinburgh Nights, Comedy Bigmouths, Question Time
7:51:01 > 7:51:05and you'll be seeing him soon on BBC's The Mash Report.
7:51:05 > 7:51:07Please welcome the fabulous Geoff Norcott!
7:51:07 > 7:51:09APPLAUSE
7:51:15 > 7:51:17Now, on with the show. The audience asks the questions
7:51:17 > 7:51:19and our panel provide some very unreliable answers.
7:51:19 > 7:51:21So what is our first question tonight?
7:51:21 > 7:51:23What have you, the audience, asked us tonight?
7:51:23 > 7:51:26Who's to blame for Neil Delamere looking like Arlene Foster?
7:51:29 > 7:51:31Says Jenny in Belfast. Really?
7:51:31 > 7:51:34Somebody has been inhaling the ashes from their own RHI boiler.
7:51:34 > 7:51:36That's what that sounds like.
7:51:37 > 7:51:40Who's to blame for James Brokenshire taking
7:51:40 > 7:51:42so long to grow a set of balls?
7:51:45 > 7:51:47That's from a Mr Jake O'Kane!
7:51:50 > 7:51:52So, what is our first question tonight?
7:51:52 > 7:51:55Who do you blame for the Paradise Papers?
7:51:55 > 7:51:58Yes, we learnt from the Paradise Papers that
7:51:58 > 7:52:01lots of rich people have been tax dodging. Everybody's at it.
7:52:01 > 7:52:04Business people, sports stars, actors,
7:52:04 > 7:52:07and the people who are in Mrs Brown's Boys.
7:52:11 > 7:52:12I know - pot, kettle, black.
7:52:14 > 7:52:18It turns out that everybody wants to avoid Her Majesty's Revenue
7:52:18 > 7:52:21and Customs, including Her Majesty.
7:52:22 > 7:52:26Yes, the Queen has been dodging Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs
7:52:26 > 7:52:31even though she actually owns Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs.
7:52:31 > 7:52:33There's a clue in the title, Liz!
7:52:33 > 7:52:36The problem is that all these rich people have accountants
7:52:36 > 7:52:38and tax consultants and financial advisers.
7:52:38 > 7:52:41I'm lucky, I only have one person to look after all my money -
7:52:41 > 7:52:43Mrs McGarry.
7:52:43 > 7:52:45And if I'm good she gives me my bus fare
7:52:45 > 7:52:48and enough to buy a packet of wine gums on the way home.
7:52:49 > 7:52:52But who can we blame for the Paradise Papers?
7:52:52 > 7:52:57Top 1%, top 1%, top 1% of earners don't pay any tax.
7:52:57 > 7:52:59The Queen's what done my scone in.
7:52:59 > 7:53:03No offence, done my scone in here, cos think about this,
7:53:03 > 7:53:04this is a head melt, this.
7:53:04 > 7:53:07I'm paying all my tax, so some of my tax money,
7:53:07 > 7:53:09my money is going to Buckingham Palace.
7:53:09 > 7:53:10Right, I don't mind that,
7:53:10 > 7:53:12she needs to feed the corgis, I don't mind that.
7:53:12 > 7:53:15But my tax is going to the Queen, somebody at Buckingham Palace
7:53:15 > 7:53:18is taking that cash and putting it offshore so the taxes I'm
7:53:18 > 7:53:22paying her, she isn't paying tax on, which I don't think's fair.
7:53:22 > 7:53:25Even Charlie's at it. Prince Charles is at it.
7:53:25 > 7:53:27One of his estates, his estate has put money offshore.
7:53:27 > 7:53:30He has a lot of estates, he can't watch everything.
7:53:30 > 7:53:32"Can't watch everything. Can't read everything.
7:53:32 > 7:53:34"Camilla keeps me so busy."
7:53:37 > 7:53:38This is the bottom line.
7:53:38 > 7:53:41See if we're being honest, all of us, do you know what annoys us?
7:53:41 > 7:53:43We can't do it.
7:53:44 > 7:53:47We aren't even asked! I don't even get the opportunity
7:53:47 > 7:53:49to dodge my taxes. When's the last time you were
7:53:49 > 7:53:51at the building society or the bank and you were asked,
7:53:51 > 7:53:54"Do you fancy offshore?" It never happens. The last time
7:53:54 > 7:53:55I was at my bank - this is true...
7:53:55 > 7:53:58I went to the local branch, which involved two buses,
7:53:58 > 7:54:02three taxis and a ten-mile walk because the banks decided
7:54:02 > 7:54:03we don't need any banks anymore.
7:54:03 > 7:54:06You queue up for another two hours, get up to the cashier.
7:54:06 > 7:54:10He's about seven, this child, about seven
7:54:10 > 7:54:11because they won't employ adults.
7:54:11 > 7:54:15So, I hands over my wee wad of sweaty cash to him,
7:54:15 > 7:54:17and he takes it off me and looks at it.
7:54:17 > 7:54:19To pay the mortgage, that's all I'm doing.
7:54:19 > 7:54:22This is BBC Northern Ireland, I've got a mortgage. I hand it to him.
7:54:22 > 7:54:24Do you know what he says to me?
7:54:24 > 7:54:27"Can you tell me, sir, how you came by this money?"
7:54:30 > 7:54:34Cheeky wee ba... He's done it to me before.
7:54:34 > 7:54:36"It's my earnings as a male prostitute."
7:54:38 > 7:54:42Not a smile, not a giggle, nothing. He calls the manager over.
7:54:44 > 7:54:48And I'm banging the glass - "Look at this face, son, look at the face!
7:54:48 > 7:54:49"If I was relying on this for money,
7:54:49 > 7:54:53"I wouldn't be at a bank bank, I'd be in a food bank!"
7:54:54 > 7:54:56The manager comes out - he's 13, right?
7:54:58 > 7:55:02"We have to ask that question, sir, it's to do with money laundering."
7:55:02 > 7:55:05I says, "Son, let me explain this to you, the only time my money
7:55:05 > 7:55:08"gets laundered is when I leave a tenner in the back of the jeans
7:55:08 > 7:55:10"and the wife puts it in the washing machine."
7:55:10 > 7:55:15There's nowhere else you'd get that. Do you know what I fantasise?
7:55:15 > 7:55:19The day will come and you're in the building society
7:55:19 > 7:55:21and you go up to the cashier,
7:55:21 > 7:55:23and they do the wee button thing,
7:55:23 > 7:55:25and she gives you this knowing look.
7:55:27 > 7:55:30"Mr O'Kane, the manager would like to see you."
7:55:30 > 7:55:33And you're ushered into the back room where all the rich people go
7:55:33 > 7:55:37and there's caviar, and champagne, dancing girls and music.
7:55:38 > 7:55:43And the manager comes out and shakes your hand and says those two words,
7:55:43 > 7:55:44"Off shore."
7:55:46 > 7:55:49And it'll never happen to any of us plebs.
7:55:49 > 7:55:51It will never happen. Do you know why it won't happen?
7:55:51 > 7:55:54Here's the paradox, because we pay our taxes
7:55:54 > 7:55:57and we'll never have enough money to be able to dodge paying our taxes!
7:55:57 > 7:55:58APPLAUSE
7:56:06 > 7:56:10I'll be honest, as a Conservative voter...
7:56:10 > 7:56:12AUDIENCE BOOS
7:56:12 > 7:56:14Come on, be honest.
7:56:14 > 7:56:16- I've never been able to catch one of yous.- I'm a rare breed.
7:56:16 > 7:56:20I'm only on this show because of diversity quotas,
7:56:20 > 7:56:22that's the only way.
7:56:22 > 7:56:25This is why it's lit up blue. Now it all makes sense.
7:56:25 > 7:56:28Tax avoidance is like snogging in public.
7:56:28 > 7:56:31It's totally awful unless you personally are involved.
7:56:31 > 7:56:34I think that, you know, if you could get away with it,
7:56:34 > 7:56:35a lot of people would.
7:56:35 > 7:56:38A lot of people call themselves limited companies now.
7:56:38 > 7:56:40I'm not a limited company, it's just me
7:56:40 > 7:56:43and my MacBook, I just sit there in service stations crying on my own.
7:56:43 > 7:56:45Apparently, that's a limited company.
7:56:45 > 7:56:48Maybe the thing they need to do is narrow
7:56:48 > 7:56:50the definition of a company with a questionnaire.
7:56:50 > 7:56:53A - do you have a vending machine? That's a company.
7:56:53 > 7:56:54If the photocopier goes wrong,
7:56:54 > 7:56:57do you feel it's somebody else's job to sort it out?
7:56:57 > 7:56:59Have you got a colleague that was reluctantly
7:56:59 > 7:57:00co-opted as a first aider?
7:57:00 > 7:57:04That is a company. Not me sitting at a Welcome Break.
7:57:04 > 7:57:06If you want to stop crying using your MacBook,
7:57:06 > 7:57:09stop looking up his male prostitute service.
7:57:10 > 7:57:13I tell you what, this place should, after Brexit,
7:57:13 > 7:57:18this place here, we should become a tax haven.
7:57:18 > 7:57:22Cos it seems to involve very little work, which suits us perfectly.
7:57:22 > 7:57:29All you have to do is just do very little and say "nothing."
7:57:30 > 7:57:32If anywhere was made for that job, it's here.
7:57:32 > 7:57:34People bringing their money in...
7:57:34 > 7:57:36"No bother son, I never saw you, good man."
7:57:36 > 7:57:40We've plenty of big sheds as well, nice and warm, to keep
7:57:40 > 7:57:42the cash in, keep it nice and dry.
7:57:42 > 7:57:44If anybody wants do that.
7:57:48 > 7:57:50The Prince Charles thing is interesting,
7:57:50 > 7:57:52cos he lobbied for a change in environmental law that would
7:57:52 > 7:57:56have benefited the company he had shares in, if the law was changed.
7:57:56 > 7:57:59But the thing is, he has lobbied for environmental causes before.
7:57:59 > 7:58:01It wasn't a massive sea change.
7:58:01 > 7:58:03Do you know when you look at Wayne Rooney tweeting?
7:58:03 > 7:58:06When Wayne Rooney tweets by his own account and you can tell the
7:58:06 > 7:58:09difference when he's tweeting versus when the marketing companies tweet.
7:58:09 > 7:58:13The marketing companies is like, "Freedom is movement,
7:58:13 > 7:58:15"Movement is freedom, it's amazing,
7:58:15 > 7:58:17"I like to move in the most kinetically and aesthetically
7:58:17 > 7:58:20"way pleasing to everybody, freedom is movement - aaahhh."
7:58:20 > 7:58:23Then you have a tweet like, "I like turnips, turnips are lovely.
7:58:25 > 7:58:31"Oh, turnip looks like my head, smiley face, look, a granny - mmm!"
7:58:32 > 7:58:35There's this obvious difference between the two.
7:58:35 > 7:58:38So, Charles is doing stuff that you know that he's actually
7:58:38 > 7:58:41involved in anyway. If you ever go into a bank manager
7:58:41 > 7:58:42and they do say those two words,
7:58:42 > 7:58:45"offshore", it'll be other two words cos it's here...
7:58:45 > 7:58:47"Off shore, Rathlin Island."
7:58:50 > 7:58:53I'm amazed. The number of children, the amount of money you read about,
7:58:53 > 7:58:57every year it comes out. They do this survey about how much money
7:58:57 > 7:58:59children get at Christmas or Communion money
7:58:59 > 7:59:01is the big thing, it's insane.
7:59:01 > 7:59:03I was waiting for some wee girl to be mentioned,
7:59:03 > 7:59:05some wee girl in Tyrone, Fidelma.
7:59:05 > 7:59:08"Oh, look at her with the money in the offshore account!"
7:59:08 > 7:59:10I've just realised something, at seven you make
7:59:10 > 7:59:14your First Holy Communion, at 13 you make your Confirmation,
7:59:14 > 7:59:17that's why the two people in the bank were seven and 13.
7:59:17 > 7:59:18APPLAUSE
7:59:18 > 7:59:21They opened the bank with a bit of money.
7:59:23 > 7:59:26But Bono as well, he was caught. Lots of people were caught.
7:59:26 > 7:59:28Everybody was caught.
7:59:28 > 7:59:34Bono put money in a company that then invested in various things.
7:59:34 > 7:59:38He owns a shopping centre in Lithuania.
7:59:38 > 7:59:41I think that's amazing, that Bono owns a shopping centre in Lithuania.
7:59:41 > 7:59:43- Bing bong!- IRISH ACCENT: - Spillage in aisle four.
7:59:43 > 7:59:45It's not something...
7:59:45 > 7:59:47I hope it's called PopMart, really genuinely.
7:59:47 > 7:59:49Or somebody going up to Bono going,
7:59:49 > 7:59:54"I still haven't found... what I'm looking for".
7:59:55 > 7:59:58- Show me where and I will follow. - That would be amazing.
8:00:00 > 8:00:02The best one was Lewis Hamilton.
8:00:02 > 8:00:04Lewis Hamilton was the best one.
8:00:04 > 8:00:06So, Lewis Hamilton imports a jet into the Isle of Man, which,
8:00:06 > 8:00:09by the way, my granny never trusted anybody from the Isle of Man.
8:00:09 > 8:00:11We used to try to get her to go on caravan holidays
8:00:11 > 8:00:14and she used to just sit there. "Have you seen the flag?
8:00:14 > 8:00:16"Never trust a flag with three legs and no balls."
8:00:18 > 8:00:21It's all Mickey Mouse compared to RHI.
8:00:21 > 8:00:24The RHI Inquiry started this week and I expect a thorough,
8:00:24 > 8:00:29exhaustive investigation that will inevitably result in the total
8:00:29 > 8:00:31exoneration of all guilty politicians.
8:00:33 > 8:00:37Now, this... Now, one of the politicians
8:00:37 > 8:00:39from here won a political award.
8:00:39 > 8:00:43Nigel Dodds, Negotiator of the Year.
8:00:43 > 8:00:45That's what he won.
8:00:46 > 8:00:50Sinn Fein were ineligible. And...
8:00:50 > 8:00:53Very, very stiff negotiators. And...
8:00:53 > 8:00:57So now he is "The Negotiator."
8:00:57 > 8:01:00It sounds like a wrestling term, The Negotiator.
8:01:00 > 8:01:02Arlene, she would be The Incinerator!
8:01:03 > 8:01:05APPLAUSE
8:01:10 > 8:01:13The other big news story connected with our Conservative friends
8:01:13 > 8:01:16is the DLA is becoming the PIP.
8:01:16 > 8:01:18And there was a big thing about the DLA...
8:01:18 > 8:01:20Disability Living Allowance.
8:01:20 > 8:01:24How do I explain that to somebody from England? Let me see...
8:01:24 > 8:01:26There are certain supermarkets in Northern Ireland where
8:01:26 > 8:01:30there's a small number of car park spaces specially
8:01:30 > 8:01:33reserved for people who are able-bodied.
8:01:37 > 8:01:38APPLAUSE
8:01:42 > 8:01:45A third of people are losing their DLA entirely
8:01:45 > 8:01:48but they have to go for these PIPs, these reassessments.
8:01:48 > 8:01:51Apparently, they're with qualified health professionals.
8:01:51 > 8:01:54They come in and they answer loads of questions.
8:01:54 > 8:01:57You hear all sorts of stories of pages and pages of questions.
8:01:57 > 8:01:58So, they come in,
8:01:58 > 8:02:01it's all sort if, "Can you clench your fist, can you make a fist?
8:02:01 > 8:02:05"Can you make a fist? You can't make a fist, OK. Can't make a fist.
8:02:05 > 8:02:08"Can you, can you stretch...? Can you stretch at all?
8:02:08 > 8:02:11"Can you stretch? You can't stretch.
8:02:11 > 8:02:13"Good, I'm taking away your DLA."
8:02:13 > 8:02:15APPLAUSE
8:02:22 > 8:02:25Thank you. Thank you very much for that.
8:02:25 > 8:02:28Yes, the Queen has money in a tax haven, even though
8:02:28 > 8:02:30she doesn't legally have to pay any tax.
8:02:30 > 8:02:33She's avoiding something she doesn't have to do.
8:02:33 > 8:02:35It's a bit like the Pope getting a vasectomy.
8:02:39 > 8:02:40And, yes, great news,
8:02:40 > 8:02:43RHI is back in the headlines!
8:02:43 > 8:02:47The BBC are providing a live video stream of the RHI public inquiry.
8:02:47 > 8:02:50And if you think that is something you might be interested
8:02:50 > 8:02:53in watching, there's a helpline at the end of the programme.
8:02:54 > 8:02:58Last year, the RHI scandal was that hundreds of big empty barns
8:02:58 > 8:03:00were being heated for no reason.
8:03:00 > 8:03:02Now it's just one big empty barn.
8:03:02 > 8:03:06Unfortunately, the barn is called Stormont.
8:03:06 > 8:03:07What's our next question tonight?
8:03:07 > 8:03:10Who do you blame for failed diplomacy?
8:03:10 > 8:03:14During his tour of Asia, Donald Trump has
8:03:14 > 8:03:17toned down some of his fiery threats against North Korea.
8:03:17 > 8:03:20This is not because of a change of heart, it's just that someone
8:03:20 > 8:03:25finally told Trump that Iron Man and The Avengers don't actually exist.
8:03:26 > 8:03:29And ex-Cabinet minister Priti Patel was sacked for doing work
8:03:29 > 8:03:31whilst she was on holiday.
8:03:31 > 8:03:34To be fair to Priti, we can't get our politicians to do work
8:03:34 > 8:03:36even they're meant to be at work.
8:03:37 > 8:03:40But who can we blame for failed diplomacy?
8:03:40 > 8:03:42Listen, we're going to sort it out.
8:03:42 > 8:03:46The three lads from the Independent Alliance in the Dail are going
8:03:46 > 8:03:49to go to North Korea, I don't know if you saw this,
8:03:49 > 8:03:51and solve all their problems.
8:03:51 > 8:03:53There is a minister who says he wants to go to
8:03:53 > 8:03:56North Korea on a fact-finding mission and see
8:03:56 > 8:03:59if he can create cultural links between the two and sort it all out.
8:03:59 > 8:04:01Geoff, you're looking at me surprised.
8:04:01 > 8:04:04If you're wondering why a fellow from Ireland is going to the
8:04:04 > 8:04:07Korean peninsula, it's a land mass that's divided, the Southern
8:04:07 > 8:04:10economy is doing better than the Northern economy, the Northern
8:04:10 > 8:04:13lads don't have a proper government and love weapons and parades. So...
8:04:13 > 8:04:15APPLAUSE
8:04:16 > 8:04:18It's very similar.
8:04:19 > 8:04:22So... So, your man Halligan said...
8:04:22 > 8:04:24Did you see this?
8:04:24 > 8:04:26He said there's all these links between North Korea and Ireland
8:04:26 > 8:04:28and he used to come here all the time
8:04:28 > 8:04:33and go to Fleadh Cheoils and ceoltas things, which are Irish music.
8:04:33 > 8:04:36Yes, the best minds in the world can't fix the Korean problem
8:04:36 > 8:04:38but sure, a bit of Riverdance...
8:04:39 > 8:04:40That never did anybody any harm.
8:04:40 > 8:04:43That's because Kim Jong-un is looking at Michael Flatley
8:04:43 > 8:04:46going, "Imagine the landmines that fellow would clear."
8:04:48 > 8:04:51Do you know who we need to send to all the troublespots in the world?
8:04:51 > 8:04:53Football fans. Because the Irish Republic football fans
8:04:53 > 8:04:57and Northern Irish football fans, very popular all around the world.
8:04:57 > 8:05:00I reckon the Swiss are going to love the Northern Irish fans
8:05:00 > 8:05:01by the end of the week.
8:05:01 > 8:05:04I reckon, Northern Ireland go over there
8:05:04 > 8:05:06the fans will just embed themselves in Swiss society.
8:05:06 > 8:05:07I reckon by next week,
8:05:07 > 8:05:10there'll be little bits of veda in muesli.
8:05:12 > 8:05:15There'll be a little attachment on a Swiss army knife to open
8:05:15 > 8:05:17a bottle of Buckfast specifically.
8:05:17 > 8:05:19And little figures will come out of the clocks,
8:05:19 > 8:05:21going, "Cuckooy! Cuckooy!
8:05:21 > 8:05:22"Cuckooy!
8:05:24 > 8:05:25"Cuckooy!"
8:05:27 > 8:05:29Trump actually had a good visit.
8:05:29 > 8:05:31In China, it's perceived to have gone well.
8:05:31 > 8:05:34But he's not going to have a full state visit in Britain.
8:05:34 > 8:05:37He's not going to visit the Queen, cos there was an e-petition.
8:05:37 > 8:05:40We all know how successful those usually are.
8:05:40 > 8:05:43Very powerful things. In the e-petition,
8:05:43 > 8:05:45they said it might cause embarrassment to the Queen.
8:05:45 > 8:05:47Has anybody asked her what she wants?
8:05:47 > 8:05:49She might see Donald Trump as the most compelling
8:05:49 > 8:05:52argument against getting rid of the monarchy.
8:05:52 > 8:05:55If you get rid of me, you might get one of these muppets.
8:05:55 > 8:05:58- Frying pan, fire. - "If you're flying offshore,
8:05:58 > 8:06:00"here's a bag of cash to bring back from America."
8:06:00 > 8:06:04The thing about Trump is he was over in Japan
8:06:04 > 8:06:07and when Trump visited Japan, he said mass shootings can happen
8:06:07 > 8:06:11anywhere, and Japanese have gone, "Yeah, it's never happened here."
8:06:11 > 8:06:15Even Japanese cops don't use guns. Do you know what they use?
8:06:15 > 8:06:18Apparently, they get futons and if you're drunk and disorderly,
8:06:18 > 8:06:23they wrap people up like a burrito and bring you to Antrim...
8:06:23 > 8:06:24..station or whatever.
8:06:25 > 8:06:27Wouldn't you love to see them
8:06:27 > 8:06:29trying to introduce that here on some sort of exchange?
8:06:29 > 8:06:32"Roll him up like a burrito." "What?" "Roll him up like a burrito.
8:06:32 > 8:06:35"A what?" "A sausage roll." "Oh, a sausage roll, OK, OK."
8:06:35 > 8:06:38Better not do it in the Holylands, some culchie student will go,
8:06:38 > 8:06:40"That's some massive Boojum, boys!"
8:06:44 > 8:06:46There was some kid on Twitter, I thought
8:06:46 > 8:06:49this was it was a lovely story, it was their last day on Twitter
8:06:49 > 8:06:52and they were leaving Twitter so on their way out
8:06:52 > 8:06:56the door of Twitter, they deleted Donald Trump's account.
8:06:56 > 8:07:00For 11 minutes, there was no POTUS on Twitter.
8:07:00 > 8:07:04That's the securest we've been in the world for the last year.
8:07:04 > 8:07:06The man isn't right.
8:07:06 > 8:07:08I'm old enough to remember what diplomacy used to be like,
8:07:08 > 8:07:10diplomacy involved ambassadors.
8:07:10 > 8:07:11So it was always Russia and America,
8:07:11 > 8:07:14the Russian ambassador would call in the American ambassador,
8:07:14 > 8:07:17and he'd go, "I know what you're at, I know what you're at.
8:07:17 > 8:07:18"I'll knock your bollocks in."
8:07:18 > 8:07:20Different language they used, obviously.
8:07:20 > 8:07:24It was like Henry Kissinger was in the room.
8:07:24 > 8:07:27So then the American ambassador called the Russian ambassador
8:07:27 > 8:07:29going, "You're going to knock our bollocks in?
8:07:29 > 8:07:31"We'll knock your bollocks in, we're going to chuck you out,"
8:07:31 > 8:07:33and then the UN would come in. Now it's an orangutan
8:07:33 > 8:07:39sitting in the White House at 3am in his Y fronts tweeting
8:07:39 > 8:07:42Kim Jong-Un, "I've got the biggest weapons, the biggest weapons,
8:07:42 > 8:07:44"big, massive, massive, biggest, best."
8:07:44 > 8:07:47And Kim Jong-Un to him going, "Your ma!"
8:07:57 > 8:07:59It could be worse, you could have Boris Johnson.
8:07:59 > 8:08:00Ah, Boris Johnson!
8:08:00 > 8:08:03Boris Johnson doesn't even look like a real human,
8:08:03 > 8:08:05it looks like someone has made a balls of a scarecrow.
8:08:07 > 8:08:09Thank you, thank you very much for that.
8:08:09 > 8:08:11So, what is our next question tonight?
8:08:11 > 8:08:14Who do you blame for older mammies?
8:08:14 > 8:08:18Yes, statistics show that women are having fewer babies.
8:08:18 > 8:08:22But, to be fair, they're still having a lot more than men.
8:08:24 > 8:08:28Women are also waiting longer to have babies. I blame Netflix.
8:08:30 > 8:08:3343% of children in Northern Ireland were conceived
8:08:33 > 8:08:37outside of marriage and 2.3% were conceived outside.
8:08:45 > 8:08:47Some people...
8:08:48 > 8:08:50Very quickly.
8:08:50 > 8:08:53Some people say we're rearing a generation of spoilt,
8:08:53 > 8:08:56pampered children, so-called snowflakes.
8:08:56 > 8:08:59To be fair, it's not snowflake children that's the problem,
8:08:59 > 8:09:01it's snowflake schools.
8:09:01 > 8:09:03Yes, if a school in Northern Ireland sees a snowflake,
8:09:03 > 8:09:05it closes for a week.
8:09:06 > 8:09:10Every school in Northern Ireland closed for two days
8:09:10 > 8:09:15because it was a bit breezy... during Hurricane Ophelia.
8:09:15 > 8:09:17Hurricane Ophelia actually turned out to be
8:09:17 > 8:09:20a bit like Jim Alastair - it didn't cross the border.
8:09:23 > 8:09:25APPLAUSE
8:09:27 > 8:09:32But who can we blame, who can we blame for older mammies?
8:09:32 > 8:09:35- Me.- You?- Me. No, not, like, personally, but, you know,
8:09:35 > 8:09:37blokes like me, because I think that men...
8:09:37 > 8:09:39I mean, a lot of studies show that men,
8:09:39 > 8:09:41even though women are working harder, getting careers,
8:09:41 > 8:09:43men aren't pulling their weight domestically,
8:09:43 > 8:09:45so I think a lot of women are waiting longer
8:09:45 > 8:09:46to get further ahead in their career.
8:09:46 > 8:09:48And I thought I was a progressive bloke, Tim,
8:09:48 > 8:09:51and then last year, me and my wife had a baby, and my wife said to me,
8:09:51 > 8:09:55"It's the modern age, you've got to do an equal share of the parenting."
8:09:55 > 8:09:57And I was like, "Oh, equal...
8:09:57 > 8:09:59"Sounds like a lot," do you know what I mean? So...
8:09:59 > 8:10:01I was thinking a third tops but...
8:10:01 > 8:10:04I mean, I thought that, I didn't say it, I'm not mental,
8:10:04 > 8:10:06you know what I mean? But it's hard.
8:10:06 > 8:10:09She's gone to work and I have him on Wednesdays and, er...
8:10:09 > 8:10:11I mean, we're still... No, yeah...
8:10:11 > 8:10:15We're still together, but, you know, you couldn't blame her.
8:10:15 > 8:10:17But I have him all day Wednesdays and it's difficult.
8:10:17 > 8:10:19And I started fantasising about the old days of being a dad,
8:10:19 > 8:10:21do you know what I mean? The Victorian era,
8:10:21 > 8:10:24I thought those guys had it made, they did nothing.
8:10:24 > 8:10:26I thought, "That's what I want." I just want to have a study,
8:10:26 > 8:10:27I want to go and sit in my study,
8:10:27 > 8:10:29I don't want to be bothered, do you know what I mean?
8:10:29 > 8:10:32I want to think my deep and profound thoughts about Star Wars
8:10:32 > 8:10:36and UFC and maybe my wife just brings me the child once a day,
8:10:36 > 8:10:40just to show him to me perhaps, nervously looking for my approval
8:10:40 > 8:10:44and I go, "Yes, you've done well," and then she backs out anxiously
8:10:44 > 8:10:47like that Korean woman off the BBC News clip, you know?
8:10:49 > 8:10:52Look, and the thing is with gender, cos when I went to university,
8:10:52 > 8:10:54I was one of those guys going,
8:10:54 > 8:10:56"Hey, man, gender's a construct," you know?
8:10:56 > 8:10:57And then when you have a child,
8:10:57 > 8:11:00he doesn't know what male or female means or what it relates to,
8:11:00 > 8:11:01but he looks at me and her
8:11:01 > 8:11:04and he knows who the competent care provider is.
8:11:04 > 8:11:05He looks at her and he's like,
8:11:05 > 8:11:07"Well, obviously her." Do you know what I mean?
8:11:07 > 8:11:11I mean, "This guy is a nice guy but she can feed me with her body,
8:11:11 > 8:11:15"he can't even feed me with a spoon. He's useless, this guy is. Idiot."
8:11:16 > 8:11:18Like a lot of dads though,
8:11:18 > 8:11:20I found myself quite jealous of the bond that they have early on,
8:11:20 > 8:11:23because obviously she carried the child, do you know what I mean?
8:11:23 > 8:11:25There's that tactility that goes with conception.
8:11:25 > 8:11:28She used to rub my nose in it, she would take photos of her stomach
8:11:28 > 8:11:29and I'd say, "Why are you doing that, baby?"
8:11:29 > 8:11:32She said, "When he gets older, I want to show him that photo
8:11:32 > 8:11:34"and go, 'There was you when you were in your mummy's tummy.'"
8:11:34 > 8:11:38I was like, "How can I compete with that?" I'll tell you how. Erm...
8:11:38 > 8:11:39Yeah.
8:11:39 > 8:11:42We're trying for another one now, every three days.
8:11:43 > 8:11:47A little photo, a little photo of the old...
8:11:47 > 8:11:50Yeah, and I print it out, Neil, and I date it and I time it
8:11:50 > 8:11:52and I put it on the wall in the garage, right?
8:11:52 > 8:11:54And then obviously when the child gets to an age
8:11:54 > 8:11:57where he can deal with that, like nine or ten, I'll say,
8:11:57 > 8:12:00"Come with me, boy, you must know your origins."
8:12:00 > 8:12:01And then I'll show him, I'll go,
8:12:01 > 8:12:04"There, behold, that's you when you were inside your dad."
8:12:07 > 8:12:09Thank you, thank you very much for that.
8:12:09 > 8:12:12Yes, indeed, parents have been told they must send their kids to school,
8:12:12 > 8:12:15even if they are not feeling well.
8:12:15 > 8:12:18As a highly responsible parent, I always sent my kids to school
8:12:18 > 8:12:21even if they were really, really hungover.
8:12:23 > 8:12:25Due to political correctness,
8:12:25 > 8:12:29some schools ban competitiveness in sports so "everyone's a winner".
8:12:29 > 8:12:31In Northern Ireland school sports days,
8:12:31 > 8:12:34nobody comes second in a race, they come deputy first.
8:12:37 > 8:12:39- Ah, very good. - APPLAUSE
8:12:42 > 8:12:45So what's our next question tonight? Our next question tonight is,
8:12:45 > 8:12:49who do you blame for one less attraction at Belfast Zoo?
8:12:49 > 8:12:53- AUDIENCE:- Aw!- Yes. Very, very sad news this week,
8:12:53 > 8:12:56Tina the Belfast elephant has passed away.
8:12:56 > 8:12:58We will never forget her.
8:12:58 > 8:13:01LAUGHTER
8:13:02 > 8:13:07Tina was 54 years old, a mere slip of a thing, if you ask me.
8:13:07 > 8:13:12And also this week, a rare fin whale has beached itself in Donegal.
8:13:12 > 8:13:14And in completely unrelated news,
8:13:14 > 8:13:18Donegal is now getting its first sushi restaurant.
8:13:20 > 8:13:24But who can we blame for one less attraction at Belfast Zoo?
8:13:24 > 8:13:27It was very, very, genuinely sad news.
8:13:27 > 8:13:30Because everybody's been, I saw her when I was a kid.
8:13:30 > 8:13:3454 and Tina... Didn't know...
8:13:34 > 8:13:37Forgot... Well, probably did know at the time and then forgotten,
8:13:37 > 8:13:40Tina, that's brilliant, such a North Belfast name, Tina!
8:13:40 > 8:13:42It's just...
8:13:42 > 8:13:45She's 54 and she came to Belfast 1966
8:13:45 > 8:13:48and it's the idea that, you know, she's been here,
8:13:48 > 8:13:52she's not an Indian elephant, she's a North Belfast elephant.
8:13:52 > 8:13:57That's what she is. She's there going...
8:13:57 > 8:13:58That's the noise, you know?
8:13:58 > 8:14:01And people are genuinely really upset and all sympathy to them.
8:14:01 > 8:14:04And it must be really difficult and... But the way she was found,
8:14:04 > 8:14:07came out and I read in the papers during the week, is brilliant
8:14:07 > 8:14:10and only here could this happen, right?
8:14:10 > 8:14:14Is the keepers were sent out to look out for animals for the zoo
8:14:14 > 8:14:19and someone came across Tina in a pet shop in Birmingham.
8:14:19 > 8:14:21A pet shop, right? That is just so typical of here.
8:14:21 > 8:14:22Somebody walking in and going,
8:14:22 > 8:14:25"Hey, I'm looking for some animals for a zoo, all right?
8:14:25 > 8:14:27"What have you got? No, I've got enough of them.
8:14:27 > 8:14:29"No, no. Chickens? Got loads of those.
8:14:29 > 8:14:33"How much for the big grey dog with the long nose? What's that about?"
8:14:35 > 8:14:37Swear to God.
8:14:37 > 8:14:39LAUGHTER
8:14:41 > 8:14:4520 quid, that's how much it cost. Tina cost 20 quid.
8:14:45 > 8:14:49So, next, the boy's - "I've got a big grey dog."
8:14:49 > 8:14:52He's walking down the road in Birmingham with this thing,
8:14:52 > 8:14:54and he gets the boat back to Liverpool.
8:14:54 > 8:14:56Boat and he's there...
8:14:56 > 8:14:58Then he's into the black taxi at the docks.
8:14:58 > 8:15:00Up the Antrim Road with the elephant,
8:15:00 > 8:15:02and his head out the window...
8:15:02 > 8:15:04Arrives in, they're like, "What did you get?"
8:15:04 > 8:15:06"You'll never guess.
8:15:06 > 8:15:07"Ta-da!"
8:15:07 > 8:15:10"An elephant?" "Yeah, an elephant. Yeah."
8:15:14 > 8:15:16"How much was that?" "20...
8:15:16 > 8:15:18"50 quid. That was 50 quid, that cost"
8:15:18 > 8:15:23So, some people say that it's wrong to keep animals in captivity
8:15:23 > 8:15:25but what was the option for Tina?
8:15:25 > 8:15:28If she hadn't been kept in a pet shop,
8:15:28 > 8:15:30somebody would have bought Tina,
8:15:30 > 8:15:33and Tina would have been in Birmingham in some flat somewhere,
8:15:33 > 8:15:35do you know what I mean?!
8:15:35 > 8:15:37- BIRMINGHAM ACCENT:- "All right, Tina!
8:15:37 > 8:15:39"Watching television - she loves this programme."
8:15:39 > 8:15:41You know, it's just...
8:15:41 > 8:15:44"I got her in in 1966, I can't get her back out again.
8:15:44 > 8:15:46"She won't fit in the lift!"
8:15:46 > 8:15:50And...but it is very, very sad, and it was unexpected.
8:15:50 > 8:15:52It was very sudden, it was 54 -
8:15:52 > 8:15:55which, you know, for North Belfast, is old.
8:15:55 > 8:15:58- She just cowped, and... she just collapsed.- Cowped?
8:15:58 > 8:16:00Cowped - sorry, collapsed...
8:16:00 > 8:16:04..in her enclosure, and they tried to revive her,
8:16:04 > 8:16:06and they didn't know what to do.
8:16:06 > 8:16:10I don't know how you try to revive an elephant of that age, CPR...
8:16:12 > 8:16:15You know, it's just... Nothing. It's just...
8:16:15 > 8:16:19- Can I just say...- They thought it was kinder to let her go
8:16:19 > 8:16:22and probably they were right - but it is genuinely very, very sad.
8:16:22 > 8:16:27I have to say, I found it very sad and I commend you,
8:16:27 > 8:16:29because I've never seen anybody in tribute before, Colin,
8:16:29 > 8:16:32- fair play to you, for dressing as one of her zookeepers.- I did.
8:16:32 > 8:16:34LAUGHTER
8:16:34 > 8:16:35- APPLAUSE - In memory of Tina.
8:16:38 > 8:16:40It said Belfast Zoo on the back.
8:16:43 > 8:16:45Thank you. Thank you for that.
8:16:45 > 8:16:47Just time for our quickfire round.
8:16:50 > 8:16:51..because I pay my taxes.
8:16:51 > 8:16:53LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
8:17:01 > 8:17:04Unless I check them in the shower, in which case, they're...
8:17:04 > 8:17:06LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
8:17:11 > 8:17:13Which is why I moved out.
8:17:13 > 8:17:14LAUGHTER
8:17:17 > 8:17:19Good, because I have a small brick.
8:17:19 > 8:17:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
8:17:30 > 8:17:32Strabane.
8:17:32 > 8:17:33LAUGHTER
8:17:37 > 8:17:39Child swallows Rubik's Cube.
8:17:39 > 8:17:40LAUGHTER
8:17:44 > 8:17:46That's Kevin Spacey's career going down the plug.
8:17:46 > 8:17:47- AUDIENCE:- Oh!
8:17:47 > 8:17:50APPLAUSE
8:17:52 > 8:17:55That's it, ladies and gentlemen, that's the end of the show.
8:17:55 > 8:17:57Please show your appreciation to our panel,
8:17:57 > 8:18:00Colin Murphy, Geoff Norcott, Jake O'Kane and Neil Delamere.
8:18:00 > 8:18:02APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
8:18:05 > 8:18:07I'm...
8:18:09 > 8:18:10I'm Tim McGarry.
8:18:10 > 8:18:14Until next time, don't blame yourself, blame each other. Goodbye.