Episode 6

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:00:37. > :00:42.Hello, very nice to see one welcome once again to The Blame Game, the

:00:42. > :00:46.show that does for the news what E. Coli does for salad. Yes, in a

:00:46. > :00:51.break from the more familiar show, which she would see me host, you

:00:51. > :00:55.will notice that my on and off screen partner Ruth is not with me.

:00:55. > :01:00.This is a problem because couples to do lots of things separately,

:01:00. > :01:05.like watching TV, presenting TV, hobbies, or even sex, if you are

:01:05. > :01:09.Ryan Giggs' sister-in-law. Joining me tonight for the last edition of

:01:09. > :01:15.the current television series is a side who are much too busy to play

:01:15. > :01:25.away from home. Please welcome the Republic's No. One, D striker, Mr

:01:25. > :01:30.

:01:30. > :01:33.Neil Delamere. Ulster's, defender, Jake O'Kane. And Colin Murphy. But

:01:33. > :01:38.our special guest tonight is the comedian who has appeared in the

:01:39. > :01:42.BAFTA award-winning sitcom so Rev, The Thick Of It and does a guest on

:01:42. > :01:52.Mock The Week, Have I Got News For You went Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

:01:52. > :01:54.

:01:54. > :01:58.So down to business. The way the blame game works is -- the way The

:01:58. > :02:02.Blame Game works is you send your questions to blame.game@bbc.co.uk

:02:02. > :02:11.and Alan knowledgeable, esteemed panel then answer them. Let's see

:02:11. > :02:16.what has come in. You know the score here. Right, OK, questions,

:02:16. > :02:24.extortion at... Oh, yes, seen that, who do you blame... Oh, look at

:02:24. > :02:29.this. Who do you blame for the collapse of the heavens that far

:02:29. > :02:34.gay saunas in Derry, says Chris in Cookstown. What has been going on?

:02:35. > :02:40.Don't you know. No. How come you know? Where do you think he got a

:02:40. > :02:45.shirt? There is a gay sauna opened in Derry. It opened in February,

:02:45. > :02:49.but it got planning permission this week. Too much detail, Colin.

:02:49. > :02:59.guy opened it in February and had great faith in his business, build

:02:59. > :03:02.

:03:02. > :03:05.it and they will come. LAUGHTER. And they did. We had better stop

:03:05. > :03:10.ourselves. He built it and they came and they are still coming in

:03:10. > :03:14.their droves. There is a big kick up about it, some Baptist ministers,

:03:14. > :03:18.it was on the radio, it has been all over the papers, he is saying

:03:19. > :03:23.it is an abomination. That is their favourite word, religious people,

:03:23. > :03:32.when something is slightly gay, abomination, which is slightly

:03:32. > :03:36.close to bomb. He is not the only one, the Presbyterian Moderator, a

:03:36. > :03:41.newly installed guy, he is talking about a GP in England, political

:03:41. > :03:44.correctness really. A GP in England is in trouble because he said to

:03:44. > :03:48.one of his patients during a consultation, that he should seek

:03:48. > :03:53.solace in Jesus and what not allowed to do this. You're not

:03:53. > :03:56.allowed to bring your face into the surgery, it is not important. I

:03:56. > :04:02.Riggott -- I respect his guide -- a respect his opinion to be a

:04:02. > :04:08.Christian, but I don't want to hear this from a doctor, the same way as

:04:09. > :04:12.if I was an atheist, someone in to astrology, sitting there going your

:04:12. > :04:17.cancer, you don't want to hear that and find out at his prediction, not

:04:17. > :04:24.a diagnosis. You don't want a Buddhist saying its terminal but

:04:24. > :04:28.don't worry, we'll get it next time round. You don't want to be waiting

:04:28. > :04:33.for an operation and the last thing you before -- the last thing you

:04:33. > :04:38.see is the surgeon going... It is PC gone mad, all over the place, an

:04:38. > :04:43.expression I hate. Terminology chases, some terms are offensive,

:04:43. > :04:49.you have to change them, like convicted murderer, you can't call

:04:49. > :04:58.them back. You have to call them a special adviser. It is very

:04:58. > :05:03.politically correct. What do you mean? I don't get that one. Digging

:05:03. > :05:09.a hole and then going to get out. The department of culture, arts and

:05:09. > :05:14.leisure, there is someone in charge, the previous person in charge was a

:05:14. > :05:19.creationist, in charge of museums. Now there is someone involved,

:05:19. > :05:23.someone in charge now that believes in the Big Bang theory. It is more

:05:23. > :05:26.the planning permission, he had it in February, now he has planning

:05:26. > :05:34.permission now. You would imagine he had planning permission for a

:05:35. > :05:40.temporary correction! -- erection. I love the fact he has won in

:05:40. > :05:49.Belfast as well. He went, where we live open another gay sauna, Stroke

:05:49. > :05:53.City. Yeah. The one in Belfast, I discovered about it today. Don't. I

:05:53. > :05:57.did, because I was looking to get my car fixed and the place where I

:05:58. > :06:04.get the car fixed turns out it has exactly the same name as the one in

:06:04. > :06:09.Belfast. I could called the one in Belfast and I was looking for the

:06:09. > :06:16.phone number, I put it on Google, that's not the same place. Did you

:06:16. > :06:21.go like that? That's not the same place. Although I am glad, I knew

:06:21. > :06:24.it wasn't the same place. It wasn't the first time I had looked at this

:06:24. > :06:28.place because the problem with the car was the exhaust was hanging off

:06:28. > :06:37.and you don't want to turn up to an establishment like this arriving

:06:37. > :06:40.and saying what's wrong, and saying, it's my exhaust. I had a feeling

:06:40. > :06:44.this chap from the Pentecostal minister, he sounded like he had

:06:44. > :06:48.Dutch courage. He got up in the pulpit and noticed that his wife in

:06:49. > :06:53.the congregation or audience, she looked rather splendid that day,

:06:53. > :06:56.and said to the congregation, don't you think my wife looks sexy in

:06:56. > :07:01.that outfit? They were reasonably appalled. He said I can't wait to

:07:01. > :07:04.get her home, to be perfectly honest. It must be difficult, if

:07:04. > :07:12.you are at work, your wife is there and you notice how good she is

:07:12. > :07:16.looking, Eamonn, I don't know, if you can sympathise with that. Have

:07:16. > :07:20.you ever been there on the couch. It gives a new meaning to laying on

:07:20. > :07:28.of hands, I tell you. He will think there is an advert break coming up,

:07:29. > :07:32.thank God. Discussion is about to take off. It was in Belfast I think.

:07:32. > :07:42.It is the idea of a minister of any description getting slightly

:07:42. > :07:43.

:07:43. > :07:53.aroused, I find it weird. My wife looks particularly sexy. I can't

:07:53. > :07:55.

:07:55. > :08:01.wait to get her home! It is more disturbing, I have seen it at Mass.

:08:01. > :08:04.I'd... I had an image, surely they would love that. I would go up to

:08:04. > :08:07.community in a fire was Tom Elliot, walking in the middle of mass, with

:08:07. > :08:14.your friends, surrounded by a bemused Catholics can you could

:08:14. > :08:18.pretend it was the way home from Drumkrieg. The Protestants, it must

:08:18. > :08:22.be like me getting dropped insults the class. If you imagine a

:08:22. > :08:32.Presbyterian getting dropped into mass. Next you are shaking hands,

:08:32. > :08:34.

:08:34. > :08:44.what? Have you ever seen salsa dancing? I think you are confusing

:08:44. > :08:44.

:08:45. > :08:54.mass for flash dance, the film. Jazz hands are Jesus! Nobody does

:08:55. > :08:57.

:08:57. > :09:02.that. They do! Taking collections... There is no hugging at Mass. Only

:09:02. > :09:07.the person at the left. It is the Orange Order, they have received a

:09:07. > :09:10.complaint about Tom Elliott. He has managed to offend both the Orange

:09:11. > :09:17.Order and Sinn Fein. If he keeps this up he was Ul-Haq -- he will

:09:17. > :09:22.soon have no Facebook friends at all. OK, what else can we get?

:09:22. > :09:32.Samantha... A serious question. Who do you blame for children selling

:09:32. > :09:35.

:09:35. > :09:41.kidneys? Oh, I blame the children. There was a young Chinese chap. He

:09:41. > :09:45.chose to do it himself. He read an advert. It said, organ donors

:09:45. > :09:49.wanted. But that is misuse of the advert. It turns out they wanted

:09:49. > :09:54.people to sell their organs and he had an operation, didn't he, they

:09:54. > :09:59.removed a kidney and they gave him �2,000 for it. Which she then spent

:09:59. > :10:02.a month iPad. That is what he had wanted the money for. It is

:10:02. > :10:05.appalling. I did not know it was going on. I bought a kidney on the

:10:05. > :10:10.internet this week and I did not know I could have spent the money

:10:10. > :10:15.on an iPad. It is very frustrating. All these things are available on

:10:15. > :10:19.the internet. I did not realise the extent of the organs you can get. I

:10:19. > :10:27.can get everything I need to get a good pate, without leaving the

:10:28. > :10:33.house! Grocer! I bet you are sorry you ask the question in the first

:10:33. > :10:40.place. I can't see the point of an eye pad apart from playing angry

:10:40. > :10:44.birds. I haven't got one. -- and iPad. I can't believe he saw the

:10:44. > :10:51.kidney. The bit that cleanses the whole system. He will only need one.

:10:51. > :10:59.I know that. But he's not dead. There isn't it dialysis app he can

:10:59. > :11:04.download. He stole the only has one kidney foreign iPad. A Sony is much

:11:04. > :11:10.better rouser computer. He doesn't even have a thingy, what do you

:11:10. > :11:20.call it? A keyboard. What was your job before we went into comedy?

:11:20. > :11:22.

:11:22. > :11:26.Window-cleaner. Computer programmer? I was. APPLAUSE. Which

:11:26. > :11:32.basically as a window cleaner. story of the Chinese guide, where

:11:32. > :11:37.does it end? At kit sold a kidney. You have kids making up in their

:11:37. > :11:47.bedroom, a whole big hi-fi system, the kid going, hey, how much did it

:11:47. > :11:49.

:11:49. > :11:57.cost you, an arm and a leg! You absolutely no there are kids

:11:57. > :12:04.watching this going, go on, 2000 quid. 2000 quid! Take both mine for

:12:04. > :12:09.2000 quid. I will do it-. Come here, give me it. Will they purchase a

:12:09. > :12:19.hi-fi system? Hello, I'd like to buy it a high-five. This is the

:12:19. > :12:19.

:12:19. > :12:24.Vicarage, please install the latest telephone to my house. Those things,

:12:24. > :12:33.what do call them? They make a funny... I'd like one of your

:12:33. > :12:39.jungle drums, please. Decks. It is like two bald men fighting over a

:12:39. > :12:46.comb. In China, in the province, some university students are

:12:46. > :12:51.donating sperm to buy computers as well. That place in Derry must be

:12:51. > :13:01.coming down with computers. I think they have an internet cafe next

:13:01. > :13:01.

:13:02. > :13:05.door. You have to splash out! Talking about splashing out...

:13:05. > :13:13.it doesn't make sense. Donating sperm to buy a computer. That is

:13:13. > :13:22.the wrong order. It was only when I got my computer... He became a

:13:22. > :13:25.window cleaner? Well, yes. This is true, on Sky News this morning, we

:13:25. > :13:32.reported from China that they are breeding cars that make or produce

:13:32. > :13:42.human breast milk. But how long, this was Sky News. How can they

:13:42. > :13:42.

:13:42. > :13:48.produce human breast milk? He hasn't a clue, he just read! --

:13:48. > :13:53.reads! It is all there, human breast milk. You can have human

:13:53. > :13:58.breast milk ice-cream, cupcakes. The breast milk thing, I would not

:13:58. > :14:05.really like it myself, if you have a newborn baby and it is fed and

:14:05. > :14:10.there is a cow in bed beside you,... Do you get the cow and squirted

:14:10. > :14:18.onto your Iran to make sure it is the right temperature? -- on to

:14:18. > :14:23.your arm. They have developed, we are talking about balls, Belfast

:14:23. > :14:29.have their own balls, on Broadway, it will be finished this week,

:14:29. > :14:34.Belfast balls. Balls of Broadway. The Falls claim everything that is

:14:34. > :14:38.good. Couldn't Falls Road claim everything that is good for us to

:14:38. > :14:45.be disclosed to the village. The big ball under a small ball, two

:14:46. > :14:51.big balls. Stay with me. Stay with me on this. That is the most

:14:51. > :14:56.Belfast think I have ever heard in my life. Two big balls. You have a

:14:56. > :15:01.big ball under we big ball. We are talking seriously big balls. We are

:15:01. > :15:11.talking big balls, with lights on. They are supposed to represent the

:15:11. > :15:15.

:15:15. > :15:20.sun rising in Belfast over the I predict within six weeks, some

:15:20. > :15:30.child in the Village area will have the largest climbing frame in the

:15:30. > :15:38.

:15:38. > :15:43.history of Belfast. The big bowl? It is a big, big bowl. It is a

:15:43. > :15:50.massive climbing frame, it is a massive temptation for a drunk.

:15:50. > :15:54.Built over if a flyover, it is insane. It is like as Orb, the

:15:54. > :16:04.adventure sport you can do in Australia, you get in and you're

:16:04. > :16:10.

:16:10. > :16:16.pushed down the hill. Some guy tried to convince me to do it.

:16:16. > :16:21.you are driving out of Belfast, you're rear-view mirror will show

:16:22. > :16:28.you the last thing, too big bulls. People driving down to Belfast will

:16:28. > :16:35.think, it's a load of balls. cost an extraordinary amount of

:16:35. > :16:42.money. The lady from the Arts Council says, you have to look at

:16:42. > :16:48.this in the bigger context. There is no possible justification for

:16:48. > :16:55.�486,000 of public money that just pronounce people of genitals in a

:16:55. > :17:01.place they are rapidly leaving! people annoyed that it is clear the

:17:01. > :17:07.Falls Road? At some point will it be rolled down the Shankill Road?

:17:07. > :17:15.Like Indiana Jones, just promises running away! That would work on

:17:15. > :17:19.the Westlink. Now you have given them all ideas! Responsible

:17:19. > :17:24.broadcasting? You'll have them out on Friday night tried appears that

:17:24. > :17:34.bring down the motorway. That would be class! They are trying to open a

:17:34. > :17:37.

:17:37. > :17:42.new Oxbridge University in London. It is to rival Oxford. It is like

:17:42. > :17:52.the franchise for an offshoot. Where did you go to university?

:17:52. > :17:59.

:17:59. > :18:09.Emperor. Edinburgh. Do you know how a few students at Queen's

:18:09. > :18:12.

:18:12. > :18:18.University were used half those words. And it's a rowing Jersey.

:18:18. > :18:24.�18,000 for entry fees. It has got be twice as good basically, which

:18:24. > :18:34.means that the vodka shots have to be half the price in the union bar.

:18:34. > :18:34.

:18:34. > :18:44.You should only get table service at the dining restaurant. For that

:18:44. > :18:48.

:18:48. > :18:53.price! Look at me, Tarquin, I'm hilarious! There may be a lot of

:18:53. > :18:58.annoyance at home at the moment, working to rule. This is because of

:18:58. > :19:03.legal aid, there are only getting �25,000 for 30 minutes. They could

:19:03. > :19:11.possibly have done that, darling! There are now going on strike.

:19:11. > :19:16.There's guys in presence going, come on, I pay you! You have the

:19:16. > :19:22.same accent as the Chinese guy who cut off his own arm and leg. This

:19:22. > :19:25.could be an opportunity for a voluntary lawyer's. In England we

:19:25. > :19:31.have voluntary police officers who are not good enough to be police

:19:31. > :19:35.officers but fancy having a go. He might be someone who never had the

:19:35. > :19:42.time to qualify and you could take on hardened criminals and see how

:19:42. > :19:46.it goes for them. Something to add to you or dinner party conversation.

:19:46. > :19:54.Terrible bad luck with this chap today, he's gone down for 18 years!

:19:54. > :20:04.Fascinating place to visit though! What you want him defending you?

:20:04. > :20:08.

:20:08. > :20:12.A new university established in London will charge �18,000 a year,

:20:12. > :20:21.it probably won't prove to popular because the parents are praying

:20:21. > :20:30.that money, they will expect their children to be sober occasionally.

:20:30. > :20:37.If you did that on Sky News after a good story, that would be amazing.

:20:37. > :20:47.That is the future of news. Wright, another question. Let me delve into

:20:47. > :20:54.

:20:54. > :21:04.my commuter -- computer again. Who do you blame for bogs in food?

:21:04. > :21:06.

:21:06. > :21:14.is about the E.coli thing! Yes, it is. My dad said the most amazing

:21:14. > :21:19.thing about this. He said, there really tearing the cars would have

:21:19. > :21:27.this E.coli thing. They don't know what is causing this, bean sprouts,

:21:27. > :21:33.cucumbers. They don't cause it, it is the bacteria in our system. It

:21:33. > :21:37.is in slurry and there are spraying it on vegetable out there. They

:21:37. > :21:47.don't know if it's been sprouts or cucumbers. Farmers and local

:21:47. > :21:53.producers are losing money, the Jolly Green giant is now a pimp.

:21:53. > :21:59.Kids are delighted though because you have mothers saying, it was

:21:59. > :22:06.vegetables and they say, are you in St, it could kill me! What you eat?

:22:06. > :22:10.You could eat baby food which is really popular now. Lady Gaga is

:22:10. > :22:13.into the baby food diet. She wore a dress made of made a few months ago

:22:13. > :22:23.and animal rights campaigners were going to throw eggs at her to

:22:23. > :22:30.

:22:30. > :22:34.protest. That is dangers the close to a full Irish breakfast. Heston

:22:34. > :22:39.Blumenthal has released mustard flavour ice-cream. You can get it

:22:39. > :22:43.in his restaurant because I have been to his restaurant! Very nice,

:22:43. > :22:53.very weird because they give us a seafood course and with that they

:22:53. > :22:55.

:22:55. > :23:00.gave us and I pot and on the I pot was just sound effects. Waves and

:23:00. > :23:03.The Seagulls because we were eating a seafood course but when I was a

:23:03. > :23:13.child eating a burger, my mother never stood behind me and made Carl

:23:13. > :23:27.

:23:27. > :23:31.There was a headline during the week because this book has spread

:23:31. > :23:37.around all over Europe and so somebody in Sweden had died from

:23:37. > :23:47.this and there was a headline in the Daily Star and it said,

:23:47. > :23:49.

:23:49. > :23:59.cucumber kills Swede. It's worse than that because it's all centred

:23:59. > :24:07.around an 0 German city. Cucumbers are ruining hamburgers, which is

:24:07. > :24:17.something I have said for years. In a restaurant, my girlfriend and I

:24:17. > :24:18.

:24:18. > :24:22.were blindfolded. It wasn't in Derry called Heaven by any chance?

:24:22. > :24:26.It means you concentrate on the flavour and texture of the food

:24:26. > :24:35.because you cannot see it. He would do it with a girlfriend but you

:24:35. > :24:45.wouldn't do it with your male friends. He would have year Flute

:24:45. > :24:53.

:24:53. > :24:57.I just heard the label slop down. It couldn't happen in Belfast. You

:24:57. > :25:03.couldn't have a knife and fork, you just had a spoon and it was

:25:03. > :25:13.annoying because there was a French guy saying, can you tell what it

:25:13. > :25:21.is? There I felt something on my shoulder! You basically eating in a

:25:21. > :25:31.hostage situation! Where was this? I can't remember, I was blindfolded.

:25:31. > :25:34.

:25:34. > :25:44.The Western hotel in Dublin. Ilott take a fish to per -- I will take a

:25:44. > :26:11.

:26:11. > :26:18.Tune in to Sky News on Monday, it will all be different. Time for my

:26:18. > :26:21.favourite round, this is the quick- fire round. I read a headline from

:26:22. > :26:29.the six papers and I wanted you to be quicker than at David Cameron

:26:29. > :26:36.visit to Northern Ireland. System has let me down. Says the

:26:36. > :26:44.inflatable woman. South American frog cures cancer. I thought Kermit

:26:44. > :26:54.the Frog was clever. Historic Lurgan building saved from Sale.

:26:54. > :26:57.

:26:57. > :27:02.being in Lurgan. Smugglers charge �3004 at ticket to the UK. Still

:27:02. > :27:12.cheaper than a travelling by Ryan Air with excess baggage. BBC boss

:27:12. > :27:17.

:27:17. > :27:27.says obscene joke is a delight. BLEEP. That is funny but we cannot

:27:27. > :27:28.

:27:29. > :27:38.say that! Pipe bomb found in Homebase. Only �12.99. Prince

:27:39. > :27:42.

:27:42. > :27:50.Philip at 90. Get off my land! swans are killed. Darts player

:27:50. > :28:00.suspected. That is it, that is the end of the show. Please thank our

:28:00. > :28:00.

:28:00. > :28:09.guests, Neil Delamere. Jake O'Kane. Colin Murphy and our special guest,