0:00:01 > 0:00:01"Should we get rid of the councils?"
0:00:01 > 0:00:02Because nobody will make a decision.
0:00:03 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Hello and welcome to The Blame Game Best Bits.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32The series started back in September,
0:00:32 > 0:00:36when we went to Derry-Londonderry, UK City of Culture.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38The same week we arrived, Richard Haass arrived -
0:00:38 > 0:00:40to sort out all our problems!
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Haass said he wanted to talk to as many people as possible.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Colin Murphy thought that was a bad idea.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48He wants to involve the public. They're the last people he should involve.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50There should be a vetting process.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52You can't just allow any numpty in there.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55This is an experienced diplomat. Have you heard him speak?
0:00:55 > 0:00:58DEEP VOICE: He's very proper, deep voice talking, he's impressive.
0:00:58 > 0:01:02The man is, you know, he's an expert in everything. He's got that voice.
0:01:02 > 0:01:03"This is going to work, people."
0:01:03 > 0:01:05And he's got numpties from here going,
0:01:05 > 0:01:08"I'll tell you for one what the problem is now!"
0:01:08 > 0:01:11He's going to have talks, it's going to be AT him, that's
0:01:11 > 0:01:13what it is, it's going to be loads of people going...
0:01:13 > 0:01:16BABBLING There will be a translator behind him
0:01:16 > 0:01:19like the UN, he'll have one of these things on.
0:01:19 > 0:01:23Some guy going, "This boy's not happy here at all now.
0:01:23 > 0:01:27"Something to do with flags, I've no idea now, wouldn't trust him anyway.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29"Look at the state of him. You know?"
0:01:29 > 0:01:32It's bizarre, this. He's going to ask for public input.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35I imagine it's going to be some sort of Dragons' Den format.
0:01:35 > 0:01:39Richard Haass sits there with a load of money, and people arrive
0:01:39 > 0:01:42in with a suitcase, the way those eejits come up the stairs,
0:01:42 > 0:01:44carrying stuff.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46"Here's my solution for the flags issue!
0:01:48 > 0:01:51"To you, this might look like an ordinary piece of stick,
0:01:51 > 0:01:54"but it's not. This is a flagpole!
0:01:55 > 0:01:59"And what belongs on the flagpole is a flag!"
0:01:59 > 0:02:00HAASS VOICE: "I'm out."
0:02:01 > 0:02:06Protests are like catnip for politicians in Northern Ireland.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08You have a march or a protest,
0:02:08 > 0:02:10they will pop up and they're running about.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Nigel Dodds. Nigel Dodds.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Up in Ardoyne, running about,
0:02:15 > 0:02:19trying to get his picture taken like a lunatic. Know what I mean?
0:02:24 > 0:02:27The whole day, Nigel was doing it large.
0:02:27 > 0:02:33The whole time going, "My people! My people are behind me!"
0:02:33 > 0:02:34"Brick!" "Oh!"
0:02:34 > 0:02:38LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:43 > 0:02:47Like a pasty supper getting put in the ambulance, "Ahhh," right...
0:02:47 > 0:02:51Not that the Republicans are any better, Mr Sinn Fein Councillor!
0:02:51 > 0:02:54Gerry Kelly! Gerry Kelly...
0:02:54 > 0:02:56invented a whole new sport.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Land cruiser surfing.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:05 > 0:03:08A perfect, perfect example of hubris.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11Gerry was caught up in the protest and he wanted to talk to one
0:03:11 > 0:03:15of the policemen in the police Jeep and Gerry, "Police Jeep, pull over!
0:03:15 > 0:03:17"Pull your police Jeep over!"
0:03:17 > 0:03:21The policeman drove on. The second police...
0:03:21 > 0:03:23"Gerry Kelly, do you know who I am?
0:03:23 > 0:03:26"Policing Board! Pull your Jeep over!"
0:03:26 > 0:03:27Police chief drove on.
0:03:27 > 0:03:31Third police chief, Gerry stepped out in front of it. "Pull your...
0:03:31 > 0:03:34"Ahhh!
0:03:34 > 0:03:37"Stop, stop, stop! Stop! Police! Stop!"
0:03:37 > 0:03:39APPLAUSE
0:03:41 > 0:03:44See, the wee cop involved didn't do that deliberately.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47But if you have Gerry Kelly staring at you through
0:03:47 > 0:03:50a windscreen, you're going to put your foot down. You are.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52I'm getting in front of myself.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55I've been waiting for six months to talk about this.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:58 > 0:04:00CHEERING
0:04:02 > 0:04:05Because I know you're a bit confused about this.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08Well, it is a strange sight to see an MLA on a bonnet.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Or as the Americans would say - they would say a hood -
0:04:11 > 0:04:14it's strange to see a hood... on a bonnet.
0:04:14 > 0:04:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:21 > 0:04:24I've been away for a while, so explain to me,
0:04:24 > 0:04:26this all started with flags last year.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29This is the first time ever in The Blame Game
0:04:29 > 0:04:31we had an idea what might come up. So...
0:04:34 > 0:04:37This is not a flag.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39This is "A FLAG!"
0:04:40 > 0:04:43"Flag! A flag!" With you.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45MIMICKING: The people who have this flag,
0:04:45 > 0:04:48certainly the people who like this flag...
0:04:50 > 0:04:53..took this flag down off the City Hall.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Nobody noticed it was there until they took it down!
0:04:58 > 0:05:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Then!
0:05:05 > 0:05:09Six weeks of mayhem, six weeks of mayhem because the people who
0:05:09 > 0:05:12love this flag are going, "They've taken my flag!"
0:05:12 > 0:05:15"My flag! They have taken my identity!"
0:05:15 > 0:05:17"I don't know who I am any more!"
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Flags are more complicated
0:05:20 > 0:05:22cos you may be in a part of Belfast, you'll see that flag,
0:05:22 > 0:05:25but we just don't go for two flags - oh, no, not Belfast, no, no, no!
0:05:25 > 0:05:27We like lots of flags.
0:05:27 > 0:05:28We love lots of flags.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32You'll get that flag. You'll get that flag.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35And you'll also, on this side, you'll also get that flag.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39Even though both those flags are already in that flag!
0:05:39 > 0:05:42They don't know their flag is already in that flag!
0:05:42 > 0:05:45Not to be outdone, the lunatics with this flag...
0:05:46 > 0:05:48They decided to adopt this flag.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:52 > 0:05:55Oh, yes!
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Because they are brothers in the revolution!
0:05:58 > 0:06:02They are similar to us, only with a suntan, they are with us, we know.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05So, because these ones took that flag,
0:06:05 > 0:06:07these ones then take that flag!
0:06:07 > 0:06:10Because my enemy's enemy is my friend.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Can you imagine being a tourist wandering through Belfast
0:06:13 > 0:06:16trying to work out what's going on? But it gets better!
0:06:16 > 0:06:20Then this flag gets involved. The Italian flag.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Do you know why the Italian flag got involved in all this?
0:06:22 > 0:06:24I think you do. Tell me.
0:06:24 > 0:06:28Willie Frazer can't tell the difference between those two flags!
0:06:28 > 0:06:30APPLAUSE
0:06:33 > 0:06:38Willie Frazer! Now, God love Willie.
0:06:39 > 0:06:43A haircut from the 1960s and a brain from the 1690s, I love Willie!
0:06:43 > 0:06:47Willie saw this flag, the Italian flag, in a primary school.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49And mistook it for this flag. What was Willie...
0:06:49 > 0:06:52What was he doing at a primary school? I don't want to know.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54LAUGHTER
0:06:54 > 0:06:56"I'm going home for lunch."
0:06:56 > 0:06:58So, Willie said it was a Provi training camp for our youth.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00That's the thing.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04Because, like Batman and Robin, you have to have, you have Willie
0:07:04 > 0:07:05and Jamie Bryson.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Now, Jamie does not call it
0:07:07 > 0:07:08EVEN VOICE: a flag
0:07:08 > 0:07:09or HIGH-PITCHED: a flag.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Jamie calls it a "fwag."
0:07:12 > 0:07:14LAUGHTER
0:07:14 > 0:07:15"They have taken my fwag!
0:07:16 > 0:07:20"They have taken my fwag away, where is my fwag?
0:07:20 > 0:07:23"I thought I saw a pussycat, did the pussycat take my flag?"
0:07:23 > 0:07:26APPLAUSE
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Richard Haass has arrived.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36And he wants to know, from the public,
0:07:36 > 0:07:39what we could possibly do to help the situation.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:52 > 0:07:55It's a victorious place now, though, isn't it? Derry.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57There are so many things.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00Derry says, "We have so many marvellous things that you can
0:08:00 > 0:08:03"come and look at, we have got the site of the siege and the sight
0:08:03 > 0:08:06"of a battle and the sight of a massacre. Bring the family."
0:08:08 > 0:08:12And if you want, you can see where Amelia Earhart crashed her plane.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Derry is so good, you couldn't get out of it!
0:08:21 > 0:08:25The murals, as well, are spectacular, very poignant. But it reminded me...
0:08:25 > 0:08:27I did a joke when I came here a long time ago
0:08:27 > 0:08:31and the joke is ruined now, but I never realised,
0:08:31 > 0:08:33I never anticipated why the joke would be ruined.
0:08:33 > 0:08:37The joke was, I said, "The graffiti over here is just extraordinary.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39"It's not like London, in London you just get graffiti
0:08:39 > 0:08:42"and someone will put 'bollocks', with bollocks spelt wrong.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44"That's it.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46"But over here, you've got all this spectacular...
0:08:46 > 0:08:50"It's like you've got a whole city of Rolf Harrises running round.
0:08:50 > 0:08:51AS ROLF: "Do you know what it is?
0:08:51 > 0:08:54"You get a little guy from the UVF with a little Armalite rifle."
0:08:54 > 0:08:55And I thought,
0:08:55 > 0:08:58"Maybe one day that joke will be ruined for historical reasons,"
0:08:58 > 0:08:59I never realised it would be ruined
0:08:59 > 0:09:02because Rolf Harris would be taken in...
0:09:02 > 0:09:07LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:10 > 0:09:13There's a large number of MLAs who employed family members, mainly
0:09:13 > 0:09:18white, and I think it's Trevor Lunn paid his wife ?16,000 for advice.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21My wife gives me advice for nothing!
0:09:22 > 0:09:2416 grand!
0:09:24 > 0:09:26But then they turn round, he's gone,
0:09:26 > 0:09:28McDevitt goes and who comes in in his place?
0:09:28 > 0:09:32What do you call him from the UTV? Fearghal McKinney. Yes.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35You'd think the Official Unionists would have taught the SDLP,
0:09:35 > 0:09:38"Don't employ an ex-UTV presenter.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40"Are you insane?"
0:09:40 > 0:09:41We better hold our breaths
0:09:41 > 0:09:45because if Frank Mitchell ever gets the sack...
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Sinn Fein are going to be sitting waiting for him like that
0:09:48 > 0:09:51outside the front doors, wee Frankie is going to be straight in there.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54No, Frank is definitely DUP.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Why do you think it always rains in Catholic areas?
0:10:02 > 0:10:05The other thing they're arguing about up there, of course,
0:10:05 > 0:10:07is councils, super councils.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09We used to have about 70 councils, now we have 26,
0:10:09 > 0:10:11and now they're going to go down to 11.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14I know, but they've been talking about it for ten years or something.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Almost ten years they've been deciding,
0:10:16 > 0:10:17"Should we get rid of the councils?"
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Because nobody will make a decision.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22That's what this Twaddell thing's about and Richard Haass coming in,
0:10:22 > 0:10:24everybody's terrified of making a decision -
0:10:24 > 0:10:26if they make a decision, people won't vote for them.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28"Oh, you took away our thing." "What was it?"
0:10:28 > 0:10:30"I don't know, but they took it away." You know?
0:10:30 > 0:10:32"And now them ones has got a thing.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34"Now them ones has a thing, they always get the thing."
0:10:34 > 0:10:35It doesn't matter what the thing is.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38The other ones are, "We haven't got your thing."
0:10:38 > 0:10:40"You have, you always get the things. We get no things."
0:10:40 > 0:10:42"I think you'll find it's 'nothing'."
0:10:42 > 0:10:43"Aye, nothing, we get nothing!
0:10:43 > 0:10:45"You get some things, we get nothing."
0:10:45 > 0:10:47They're terrified, they won't make a decision,
0:10:47 > 0:10:51so...the super council thing, they want to get rid of the councils,
0:10:51 > 0:10:54they shrink the councils down and then stop council members being MLAs
0:10:54 > 0:10:57and being, you know, double-jobbing and that kind of thing.
0:10:57 > 0:10:58They want to have a super council.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01"Super-council!" Exactly! That sounds exciting.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04We're going to collect your bins! Ta-da!
0:11:04 > 0:11:07And in reality it's some boy in a high-vis jacket going,
0:11:07 > 0:11:09"This is too full, I'm not pulling that."
0:11:09 > 0:11:12APPLAUSE
0:11:12 > 0:11:14"Aye, it's open. Can't close it."
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Bin collecting here is the campus thing.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21Since the wheelie bin introduction, you know -
0:11:21 > 0:11:24being a binman was a manly job, it was a heavy, metal thing...
0:11:24 > 0:11:27Very hard, over the shoulder... Yeah. Big thing. "Woar, argh!"
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Walking like John O'Dowd with a bin, going, "Woargh!"
0:11:30 > 0:11:33And that was hard, physical work.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35And now it's wheelie bins, and just sort of, "Boom."
0:11:35 > 0:11:37"Hooray, machine!" HE IMITATES DUSTBIN LORRY LOADER
0:11:37 > 0:11:39"I am knackered."
0:11:39 > 0:11:40You know?
0:11:40 > 0:11:43I had to chase the bin lorry about - well, months ago.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45I missed, I forgot - you know, you hear the lorry
0:11:45 > 0:11:47going down the road, and you go, "Sh... Bins!"
0:11:47 > 0:11:49And running out, and it's gone down the road.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52And they won't come back, so you have to chase them down the road.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55It is the campest thing I have ever done.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58Running with two bins. You look like the beginning of The Sound Of Music,
0:11:58 > 0:11:59running down the road going...
0:12:01 > 0:12:03"Would you empty these, please?"
0:12:03 > 0:12:06And when you got down, did he go, "It's brown bin, mate. Sorry."
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Yous have got a new passport out.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15"YOUS have got a new passport", like I've done it!
0:12:15 > 0:12:18"Do you want to get a passport?" No, it's a bit of a disgusting...
0:12:18 > 0:12:20It's an affront to the people of the North,
0:12:20 > 0:12:22because you've got wee pictures of...
0:12:22 > 0:12:27watermarks of everywhere down south, not one of Northern Irelands.
0:12:27 > 0:12:31No. It's a different... Could've had a wee petrol bomber.
0:12:31 > 0:12:35You could've had a wee Orangeman sitting in a caravan.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Nothing. Nothing. You don't really need a passport
0:12:37 > 0:12:39in the Republic of Ireland, to be honest.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41You could fly into Dublin Airport,
0:12:41 > 0:12:44you could walk in with an Xtra-vision card, you know that?
0:12:44 > 0:12:46You walk in with a Tesco Clubcard,
0:12:46 > 0:12:49and they'd scan it and give you your points.
0:12:50 > 0:12:54It is the friendliest place to go - I went in once,
0:12:54 > 0:12:56I was coming from France or somewhere, we landed in,
0:12:56 > 0:12:58but everybody gets lumped in together,
0:12:58 > 0:13:00so you don't know where you're coming from,
0:13:00 > 0:13:02there's so many people. I queued up and went through,
0:13:02 > 0:13:05and your man's checking your passport, he looked at it.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07He saw it and went, "Colin, it's yourself. Welcome back."
0:13:09 > 0:13:10It was brilliant!
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Colin, they do say that to everybody.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Cos they just read your name on the passport... I know!
0:13:15 > 0:13:18That's the point. Every other country just looks at it and goes, "Meh."
0:13:18 > 0:13:21But there they look at it and go, "It's your man."
0:13:21 > 0:13:24They do if you have an easy name. "Musta-Musta...
0:13:24 > 0:13:25"Welcome along, anyway."
0:13:27 > 0:13:28"Home."
0:13:28 > 0:13:31Yeah, it's - I was reading about that,
0:13:31 > 0:13:34because it did cause a bit of controversy here,
0:13:34 > 0:13:37in some parts of Northern Ireland, because, like you said,
0:13:37 > 0:13:39there was a map of the island of Ireland,
0:13:39 > 0:13:42and it kicked off in the Belfast Telegraph in the comments section,
0:13:42 > 0:13:43which is always hilarious.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Cos there's people losing their head.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48It's all - most of it's sectarian, from both sides, going,
0:13:48 > 0:13:49"Oh, that is an affront,
0:13:49 > 0:13:51it's a territorial claim on Northern Ireland."
0:13:51 > 0:13:53And other people are going, "Ah, what are you talking about?"
0:13:53 > 0:13:55They're just both going at each other,
0:13:55 > 0:13:58and then about five comments down, just some lunatic goes,
0:13:58 > 0:14:00"Doesn't Tyrone look great on the map?"
0:14:03 > 0:14:07They've got some Ulster Scots poetry on the map.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10Yes... By James Orr. One of the Weaver Poets. Yes.
0:14:10 > 0:14:14Bard of Ballycarry. Seems a very positive thing. It is, indeed.
0:14:14 > 0:14:15Yes, I thought it was very good.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17It's slightly terrifying - it worried me that, you know,
0:14:17 > 0:14:21the way Scotland's going to become possibly independent... Whoo...
0:14:21 > 0:14:23That doesn't bear thinking about, here,
0:14:23 > 0:14:25if there would have to be a passport with Ulster Scots on it.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Think you'll find it's a "passporty".
0:14:30 > 0:14:33It's not, it's "a buik fur going awa places".
0:14:33 > 0:14:35That's what it's called.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37To give it its full title.
0:14:43 > 0:14:47Yes, the new Irish passport includes some Ulster Scots poetry,
0:14:47 > 0:14:49but I'm pretty sure Nelson McCausland still won't get one.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52And, of course, in Northern Ireland we can have British
0:14:52 > 0:14:53and Irish passports.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56Basically, we all have a double identity,
0:14:56 > 0:14:57which explains how Gerry Adams
0:14:57 > 0:15:01could be leader of the IRA and yet not in it at the same time.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09But there's 80,000 of yous. 80,000 have come up here.
0:15:09 > 0:15:1080,000.
0:15:10 > 0:15:1580,000 have come up here, taken our beds.
0:15:15 > 0:15:16Taken our hospital beds.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18You know what I mean? In some parts of Donegal
0:15:18 > 0:15:20they're going, "Mary, are you going to Lourdes?"
0:15:20 > 0:15:22"No, I'm going to Donegal."
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Donegal's in the Republic of Ireland.
0:15:32 > 0:15:36Basically, I... You've no proof that the 80,000 people are Southerners.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39I mean, I think you're dead right to blame Southerners,
0:15:39 > 0:15:43as a long-time resident of Newry, I think those people should be blamed.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46For as long as possible.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48No, let's be honest, here.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51We, as Southerners, we do not come up here to...
0:15:51 > 0:15:54Take our jobs. ..avail of your health services, we don't.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57We come up here to shop at ASDA and go bankrupt. That's where we shop.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00It's amazing that that's what the implication is,
0:16:00 > 0:16:02that Southerners come here to use the health service. It is! It is!
0:16:02 > 0:16:05Like, Irish emigration in 1813 was all,
0:16:05 > 0:16:07"Oh, we'll go to America,
0:16:07 > 0:16:10"and if we work hard enough we'll be able to get a good job
0:16:10 > 0:16:13"and look after ourselves, and we'll be men of fortune."
0:16:13 > 0:16:17And in 2013 it's, "We're going to go to Fermanagh for a prostate exam."
0:16:20 > 0:16:23We're getting our own back. It is.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26How is that conversation going to go?
0:16:26 > 0:16:30"Really, we're going to Fermanagh? Tell us about Enniskillen, Daddy."
0:16:30 > 0:16:34"Well, in Enniskillen they say the streets are paved with free bandages
0:16:34 > 0:16:37"and surgical stockings for as far as the eye can see,
0:16:37 > 0:16:39"and, you know, the drugs are free.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42"Tis like an all-you-can-eat buffet, except for junkies.
0:16:42 > 0:16:43"It's going to be amazing."
0:16:43 > 0:16:46"But how will we smuggle the drugs back across the border
0:16:46 > 0:16:48"down to the South of Ireland, Daddy?"
0:16:48 > 0:16:49"I don't know,
0:16:49 > 0:16:52"but there's a couple of girls in Peru that maybe might help us."
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Do the Americans not buy into all that Arthur's Day stuff as well?
0:17:02 > 0:17:06I think they did - people here didn't, that was the thing.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10Christy Moore wrote a song about Arthur's Day.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Some sort of, "Dittle-dattle-dootle-dittle dah."
0:17:12 > 0:17:15And he... That's all of Christy Moore's songs.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19Every single Christy Moore song, it sounds like he's eating hot chips.
0:17:20 > 0:17:25"Hoh-hoh-hoh... Dittle-dattle-dittle-dattle doh.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28"These chips are roasting, roasting."
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Who do you blame for erectile dysfunction?
0:17:36 > 0:17:39And she's put her name down, it's Sharon Hobbs...
0:17:40 > 0:17:44Where's the husband? Let me see the husband.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46He's sitting beside her, "I'm going to kill you when I get you home,
0:17:46 > 0:17:48"I'm going to kill you!"
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Well, it's not like he's going to stand up.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52I love the thought you've been to the doctor,
0:17:52 > 0:17:56go, "That's it, The Blame Game, they'll know how to deal with it."
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Either that or she's trying to sell you some dodgy pills.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02Or she's looked at this and thought, "There's five dicks."
0:18:07 > 0:18:11And in a completely unrelated story, the Vatican has criticised
0:18:11 > 0:18:15a German bishop for spending ?26 million on his residence.
0:18:15 > 0:18:19Yes, it's the new, frugal Vatican. Can't wait till have to...
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Can't wait until they have to redo the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.
0:18:22 > 0:18:23Two tonnes of...
0:18:23 > 0:18:24The Lord has struck you down!
0:18:24 > 0:18:26He's struck you down!
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Thank the Lord!
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Oh!
0:18:36 > 0:18:41The power of Christ compels you!
0:18:41 > 0:18:45Did you see the Catholic brain? "Eh-eh-ba-ba..."
0:18:47 > 0:18:4950 Shades Of Pray.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51That's what it should have been.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Now, I'm going to try and read it again.
0:18:53 > 0:18:54Bloody joke isn't even worth it.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02I was watching Nolan during the week.
0:19:02 > 0:19:03AUDIENCE HISSES
0:19:03 > 0:19:06No, I like to mentally self-harm.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12It was about blood donations and all the rest,
0:19:12 > 0:19:17and some guy from Carrickfergus texted in and went, "I am 78,
0:19:17 > 0:19:21"and I wouldn't take a gay man's blood if I was on my deathbed."
0:19:21 > 0:19:23And you think, "Good."
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Yeah. One down.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Do you know what?
0:19:29 > 0:19:30I really hope, I really,
0:19:30 > 0:19:32genuinely hope that that man needs blood at some point,
0:19:32 > 0:19:34because, you see, if there's a shortage of blood here,
0:19:34 > 0:19:38you will accept blood from England and Wales and Scotland,
0:19:38 > 0:19:40where they do allow gay men to give blood.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43So that guy doesn't know, so he's going to be lying on the bed
0:19:43 > 0:19:47and you're going, "We're going to play Homosexual Roulette!
0:19:47 > 0:19:50"Now, look at this. What do you think of this?
0:19:50 > 0:19:53"Bit pink? Ooh, you'll never know, will you?
0:19:53 > 0:19:56"Let's check. Ooh, it has platelets, yes, it does.
0:19:56 > 0:19:57"Red blood cells, yes, it does.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59"Glitter - wait a minute!"
0:20:01 > 0:20:04It's like a slot machine, you're going to pull down the handle
0:20:04 > 0:20:08and take your chances but you don't want three fruits to appear.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Can we have our next question, please?
0:20:17 > 0:20:22Right, who do you blame for buns on TV?
0:20:22 > 0:20:25Yes, The Great British Bake Off has been such a huge hit
0:20:25 > 0:20:27it's moving from BBC Two to BBC One.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30The hugely successful format involves amateur bakers
0:20:30 > 0:20:33in a series of bun-related challenges.
0:20:33 > 0:20:37In the Northern Ireland edition, two bakers come to the BBC,
0:20:37 > 0:20:38bake 100 chocolate eclairs
0:20:38 > 0:20:42and then try to sneak them past Stephen Nolan's office.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44LAUGHTER
0:20:45 > 0:20:47APPLAUSE
0:20:50 > 0:20:53And it's been announced that the UK is facing
0:20:53 > 0:20:55a shortage of goat's cheese.
0:20:55 > 0:20:59So, if you live in North Down and have been affected by that news...
0:20:59 > 0:21:01LAUGHTER
0:21:01 > 0:21:04..there will be a helpline at the end of the show.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07Or you can donate to the Cultra Dinner Party Disasters Appeal.
0:21:09 > 0:21:13But who can we blame for buns on TV?
0:21:13 > 0:21:14I've just had an image of...
0:21:14 > 0:21:19Mervyn has to walk five days to get focaccia bread.
0:21:20 > 0:21:24The Great British Bake Off is a phenomenon.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26It's very big in our house, the kids love watching it,
0:21:26 > 0:21:30my missus loves watching it. If you've never seen it...
0:21:30 > 0:21:33By round of applause have we got any fans of The Great British Bake Off in?
0:21:33 > 0:21:34APPLAUSE
0:21:34 > 0:21:38See? It's insane. It's the most middle-class thing in the world.
0:21:38 > 0:21:42It's so gentile and nice and it's just, "Today I'm going to make
0:21:42 > 0:21:46"a lovely ginger cake with rosewater petals and candy..." All this stuff!
0:21:46 > 0:21:48They say, "Anyone can make this at home." And you go, "No, you can't.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52"Not with the crap that's in my larder, you can't make that.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55"Where do you get candied rose peel?! You know, it's just...!
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Standing in a 24-hour garage,
0:21:57 > 0:21:59"Have you got any candied rose peel there?"
0:21:59 > 0:22:02You can't do it.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06It's the most middle-class thing.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09But the format has been sold around the world.
0:22:09 > 0:22:10There's The Great Australian Bake Off,
0:22:10 > 0:22:13a very similar thing, and there's an Irish version as well.
0:22:13 > 0:22:17They've dropped the Irish bit, it's just called The Great Bake Off
0:22:17 > 0:22:19or something, and, er, it's very nice.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21When it goes to the States it's going to be ruined
0:22:21 > 0:22:23because it's just going to be that competitive thing.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26Have you ever seen MasterChef in the States? Here it's just,
0:22:26 > 0:22:28"What are you doing?" "Well, I'm going to make a foam..."
0:22:28 > 0:22:30I hate foam! D'you ever have something,
0:22:30 > 0:22:33when you go to a restaurant and there's a foam? Yeah.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35It looks like the chef has just gone...
0:22:35 > 0:22:37LAUGHTER
0:22:39 > 0:22:40"Here's the foam ready."
0:22:44 > 0:22:47People are throwing things away because of the sell-by dates
0:22:47 > 0:22:50and the use-by dates, and in America they've got sell-by dates,
0:22:50 > 0:22:54use-by dates and enjoy-by dates on things, which is ridiculous,
0:22:54 > 0:22:56cos it only works on certain products.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58All-Bran - that enjoy-by, that's pointless.
0:22:58 > 0:23:03Horrific. You eat All-Bran, it takes you about an hour to eat it,
0:23:03 > 0:23:05for that much All-Bran, and then you forget about it
0:23:05 > 0:23:08until you decide to go to the loo, because when you eat All-Bran,
0:23:08 > 0:23:10you don't gently decide to go to the loo,
0:23:11 > 0:23:13your arse goes, "Now! Now! Now!"
0:23:13 > 0:23:17It's one of those things, when you eat... Oh! Like that.
0:23:17 > 0:23:21When you eat it, d'you know when you eat nice things, you go, "Mmm, mmm!
0:23:21 > 0:23:24"Mmm-mmm-mmm!"
0:23:24 > 0:23:27People ask you, "What's it like?" "Mmm-mm-mm-mmm!"
0:23:27 > 0:23:30But All-Bran is one of those foods that you eat like this.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33LAUGHTER
0:23:42 > 0:23:43Oh, for...!
0:23:43 > 0:23:46LAUGHTER
0:23:46 > 0:23:48It's just soul-destroying, that stuff.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51Apparently, there's loads of foods that you can eat after
0:23:51 > 0:23:54their sell-by date that you should ignore, one of them is chocolate.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57Like, in fairness, who's ever thrown out a Mars Bar?
0:23:57 > 0:24:01I'd eat a Mars Bar off a toilet floor, like.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04Can I just say, that is not a serving suggestion!
0:24:05 > 0:24:08You want to make sure it's a Mars Bar, by the way.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:15 > 0:24:19Don't want that happening again. "Oh, it's a fun-size. Urgh!"
0:24:22 > 0:24:25Oh, it's a Snickers cos there's still the nuts in it.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27LAUGHTER AND GROANS
0:24:27 > 0:24:29HE SINGS: # A Mars a day
0:24:29 > 0:24:32# Helps you work...! #
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Urgh! Urgh-huh-hurh!
0:24:35 > 0:24:37That's horrific. Sorry.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40The foods are, you're right, it's eggs, milk, tortilla chips
0:24:40 > 0:24:43and chocolate you can eat after the sell-by date, which is
0:24:43 > 0:24:46great cos that's what I make the kids when the wife's away.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49But, like, I think you should just employ, like,
0:24:49 > 0:24:50the arm's length rule with food.
0:24:50 > 0:24:54Like, if you can smell it from arm's length, don't eat it.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56You can also apply that to clothes.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59You know, like, clothes, if you can smell it from arm's length,
0:24:59 > 0:25:01don't wear it.
0:25:01 > 0:25:02And sexual partners.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06LAUGHTER
0:25:09 > 0:25:11APPLAUSE
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Carl Froch is getting married and I wish him well
0:25:18 > 0:25:20and hope he has lots of kids, but there's one child who
0:25:20 > 0:25:23probably won't end up in the boxing ring, he was christened this week.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Prince George? Did you see the christening?
0:25:25 > 0:25:28Did you see anything about it? No. Was it in the paper? Who's this?
0:25:28 > 0:25:30Prince George. Who's Prince George?
0:25:30 > 0:25:32He's the king of your country!
0:25:33 > 0:25:35LAUGHTER
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Think you'll find he's not the king of my country.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40That would be Angela Merkel!
0:25:40 > 0:25:42LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:45 > 0:25:47It's time for our Quickfire Round.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49I will read you various newspaper headlines and I want you to
0:25:49 > 0:25:53be quicker than a Northern Ireland fan leaving Luxembourg.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56"The Magnificent Six."
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Cowboy made redundant.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00LAUGHTER
0:26:00 > 0:26:01"When do the clocks go back?"
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Every time you go to Ballymena.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:11 > 0:26:13"George Best Football Academy opens."
0:26:13 > 0:26:14A bottle to celebrate.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:21 > 0:26:23"Experts say you need seven a day."
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Snow White explains sex tape.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:32 > 0:26:35"How Gordon Brown reacted to Tony Blair's heart scare?"
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Boo!
0:26:37 > 0:26:39LAUGHTER
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Five things to do before you die.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43Girls Aloud.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:51 > 0:26:53"Do lobsters have the secret of eternal life?"
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Nah, they're just giving it all that.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58"Ah, the secret of eternal life?
0:26:58 > 0:27:00"I've got the secret of eternal life!"
0:27:01 > 0:27:04"Man sold newborn grandson on Facebook."
0:27:04 > 0:27:06After someone poked his daughter.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08LAUGHTER AND GROANS
0:27:14 > 0:27:16HE SNIGGERS
0:27:18 > 0:27:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:23 > 0:27:25"Peru, too, are full of beans."
0:27:25 > 0:27:28Makes a change from cocaine.
0:27:28 > 0:27:29LAUGHTER
0:27:31 > 0:27:34"Geldof to be the first Irish man in space."
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Make Gravity History.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38LAUGHTER
0:27:41 > 0:27:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:44 > 0:27:47"BBC is dumbing down science."
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Says Professor Cox and Johnny Balls.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:56 > 0:27:58"Edwin Poots deaf to criticism."
0:27:58 > 0:28:01That's surprising considering the size of his ears.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03LAUGHTER
0:28:04 > 0:28:06"Have a drink or visit the toilet."
0:28:06 > 0:28:09Larne What's On Guide published.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:12 > 0:28:15"The men who have decided to live longer without sex."
0:28:15 > 0:28:16Are called husbands.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:22 > 0:28:27My wife is going to kill me for that one, I'm dead! Don't use that one.
0:28:27 > 0:28:31And finally, "I've fallen for artist who painted me nude."
0:28:31 > 0:28:34Michael Stone's cell mate reveals all.
0:28:34 > 0:28:36LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:42 > 0:28:43'Well, that's all for this series.
0:28:43 > 0:28:46'I hope you enjoyed it as much as we did.
0:28:46 > 0:28:48'Until the next series, remember, don't blame yourselves,
0:28:48 > 0:28:50'blame each other.'