:00:04. > :00:41.Hello. Hello and welcome to The Blame Game! Yes, we're back. It's a
:00:41. > :00:45.brand-new series. The BBC took us off the air for a couple of years
:00:45. > :00:47.brand-new series. The BBC took us because they said, you know what,
:00:47. > :00:51.there's no troubles any more. Thanks, Jimmy Bryson, thanks for the
:00:51. > :00:54.new series! And yes, because it is a new series, the producer said he
:00:54. > :00:57.would take us out of Belfast and bring us somewhere where the people
:00:57. > :01:03.are more civilised, cultured and sophisticated. But that fell
:01:03. > :01:11.through! So, we've come to Derry. CHEERING.
:01:11. > :01:16.Yes, it took nine months, but finally, culture has come to
:01:16. > :01:20.Derry-Londondderry. Now, it would of course be cheap and easy to make
:01:20. > :01:23.lots of silly jokes about Derry being City of Culture... So, brace
:01:23. > :01:28.yourselves. No, actually, before I go on, I should say that I was at
:01:28. > :01:32.the doctor today. The doctor said to me, Tim, you're middle-aged. You're
:01:32. > :01:42.unfit, you're overweight. Would you like to play midfield for Northern
:01:42. > :01:46.Ireland at the next match? APPLAUSE. Well, actually, we've been here in
:01:46. > :01:49.Derry a couple of days and we had a great time. We're virtually gone
:01:49. > :01:54.native, ladies and gentlemen. We've gone pure Derry, haigh! And to keep
:01:54. > :02:00.in with the Derry wans, we've all changed our names! I'M Tim McGarry
:02:00. > :02:04.Doherty. And our regular panellists are, of course, Colm Murphy Doherty.
:02:04. > :02:13.Jake O'Kane Doherty. And Neil Delamere Doherty. CHEERING AND
:02:13. > :02:17.APPLAUSE. And our special guest tonight is a columnist, author and
:02:17. > :02:20.top-class comedian. He's been on loads of shows and telly and radio,
:02:20. > :02:24.including the Mark Steel Lectures. The Mark Steel Revolution. And the
:02:24. > :02:28.Mark Steel Solution. If only I could remember his name. All right, that's
:02:29. > :02:32.right, Mark has a superb Radio Four series called Mark Steel's In Town,
:02:32. > :02:36.where Mark tells jokes about a specific town or city. And lucky old
:02:36. > :02:41.Mark, he's got two new episodes to do. One about Derry, and one about
:02:41. > :02:49.Londonderry. Please welcome Mr Mark Steel!
:02:49. > :02:53.CHEERING AND APPLAUSE. What's our first question? Yes? Who
:02:53. > :02:58.do you blame for Richard Haass having to come over and sort out all
:02:58. > :03:02.our problems? Yes, poor old Richard Haass. He's a hugely experienced
:03:02. > :03:07.American diplomat. He wanted to try and sort out something easy like
:03:07. > :03:13.Syria, or Israel and Palestine. But God love him, he got flags! Haass is
:03:13. > :03:18.an American, so we consider him neutral. Well, we will do until we
:03:18. > :03:24.find out whether he's a prod or a taig! Richard says he wants the
:03:24. > :03:26.Northern Ireland public to be involved in the political process.
:03:26. > :03:29.Northern Ireland public to be No, Richard, you see, they have been
:03:29. > :03:33.involved in the political process. Rioting, marching and burning down
:03:33. > :03:36.Orange halls. What we need to do is stop the public being involved! But
:03:36. > :03:42.who can be blamed for Richard Haass who had to come over and sort out
:03:42. > :03:45.our problems? Absolutely 100% agree. He wants to involve the public. The
:03:45. > :03:49.public are the last people that should be involved. There should be
:03:49. > :03:53.some sort of vetting process. I'm sure there must be some sort of it.
:03:53. > :03:56.You can't just allow any numpty in there. I guess he's an experienced
:03:56. > :03:59.diplomat. Have you heard him speak? He's a very, proper deep voice
:03:59. > :04:04.talking. Impressive. The man is an expert in everything. (DEEP VOICE)
:04:04. > :04:07.He's got that voice. This is going to work, people. And he's got
:04:07. > :04:11.numpties from here arriving and going in, I'll tell you what the
:04:11. > :04:14.problem is now! He's going to have talks. It's going to be at him.
:04:14. > :04:18.That's what it's... There's going to be loads of people going... Here,
:04:18. > :04:21.now... There'll be a translator behind him like the UN. He'll have
:04:21. > :04:25.one of these things on. Some guy going, oh, this boy is not happy
:04:25. > :04:28.here at all now. Something to do with flags. I've no idea now.
:04:28. > :04:32.Wouldn't trust him, anyway. Look at the state of him, you know? An
:04:32. > :04:47.American diplomat going, what is a Gobnascale?! What's a Gobnascale?
:04:47. > :04:51.It's... It's a very beautiful sounding place, isn't it? Why not
:04:51. > :04:55.come to Gobnascale?! I think it's probably on a par with Strabane. At
:04:55. > :04:58.a guess? I haven't been to either. It's bizarre. He's going to ask for
:04:58. > :05:02.public input. I imagine it's going to be some sort of Dragons' Den
:05:02. > :05:05.format. Richard Haass sits there with a load of money. And people
:05:05. > :05:08.arriving in with a suitcase. You know the way eejits come up the
:05:08. > :05:15.stairs carrying stuff. Here's my solution for the flag issue! To you,
:05:15. > :05:21.this might look like an ordinary piece of stick, but it's not! This
:05:21. > :05:30.is a flagpole! And what belongs on a flagpole is a flag! "I'm out". He's
:05:30. > :05:34.living in the Europa Hotel. He's going to live in the Europa Hotel in
:05:34. > :05:37.Belfast for three months. He's Alan Partridge! That's who's in charge of
:05:37. > :05:41.this! That's partly what fascinates people about this, he's staying in
:05:41. > :05:44.the Europa Hotel. Because the Europa Hotel is something that as an
:05:44. > :05:48.outsider, I can say unites Catholics and Protestants, because there's a
:05:48. > :05:51.catchphrase in Belfast, isn't there? When you mention the Europa Hotel,
:05:51. > :05:57.and they go, that's the most bombed hotel in Europe. Really, really
:05:57. > :06:01.proud. And as if there was ever much competition like. Maybe at some
:06:01. > :06:05.point when the Yugoslav civil war was going on. And there's a place in
:06:05. > :06:10.Srebrenica catching up, get the IRA, give them a few more dollars. But I
:06:10. > :06:13.was mentioning this in a show that I was doing, There was a woman from
:06:13. > :06:17.Belfast in the audience. And I said, the Europa Hotel, they always go on
:06:17. > :06:19.about it's the most bombed hotel in Europe. And a Belfast woman went,
:06:19. > :06:30.the world! Also, as an outsider, Europe. And a Belfast woman went,
:06:30. > :06:34.this is a thing, honestly, I just sort of was looking, and think I
:06:34. > :06:38.better have some sort of fleeting glance at Northern Ireland politics.
:06:38. > :06:43.I had no idea that Paisley is 86 or something! I had no idea he was that
:06:43. > :06:50.old. He must walk into an empty room now and go, what did I come in here
:06:50. > :06:54.for?! He came in here because that is where he always came in and it
:06:54. > :06:59.was tradition and he will continue to walk in there for as long as
:06:59. > :07:03.possible! That's why the Parades Commission... I find it very
:07:03. > :07:06.difficult, because I saw that one of the loyalists today was saying,
:07:06. > :07:11.well, the thing is, we do these parades because that is our culture
:07:11. > :07:14.and our tradition. Now, that seems a strange argument to me to say, well,
:07:14. > :07:16.we're entitled to march straight through an estate of people we can't
:07:16. > :07:19.we're entitled to march straight stand, intimidating and threatening
:07:19. > :07:36.them, because we've done it for hundreds of years. But sure there's
:07:36. > :07:41.no fun going anywhere else. To be honest. All the people living there
:07:41. > :07:44.would miss them! They'd be there on the 12th morning, going are they on
:07:44. > :07:48.their way? They're not here yet! Something's happened! I'm ready to
:07:48. > :07:58.be offended here! What's going on? I got the bus early to come and get
:07:58. > :08:02.offended! Richard Haass, you know what it is? It's the whole thing is
:08:02. > :08:05.so bizarre! He's like Santa. Basically, he's hauled up there, and
:08:05. > :08:08.everybody goes in and tells them what they want. That's what it is.
:08:08. > :08:12.Martin McGuinness comes in, oh, I want a jumper! And a Scalextric? And
:08:12. > :08:16.Gerry Kelly can jump at the front. And can I have a united Ireland?
:08:16. > :08:20.Have you been a good boy? Are we talking about the '70s? No. OK, I
:08:20. > :08:23.have been a good boy. And who's next? Ian Paisley. Junior is in the
:08:23. > :08:36.background just ignoring stuff, just looking through the presses for
:08:36. > :08:40.receipts. -- the presence. Peter Robinson walks in and he's just
:08:40. > :08:44.about to get on Santa's lap. His bottom is about to touch the thighs
:08:44. > :08:49.of Santa, and then, Naomi Long comes in and just steals his seat. The
:08:49. > :08:52.thing that gets me, the timetable. They've said now that seriously even
:08:52. > :08:56.Richard Haass is saying the timetable is just a little bit
:08:56. > :09:00.tight. He's to sort out flags. He's to sort out parades. And he's to
:09:00. > :09:06.sort out the past. He's not a Time Lord! If he does this, if he pulls
:09:06. > :09:11.this off, the next day, he's going to go out, part the North Sea! And
:09:11. > :09:24.turn water into Buckfast for the whole of Belfast! It'd be great if
:09:24. > :09:26.he was a Time Lord and he was Doctor Who, because just the idea of Martin
:09:26. > :09:29.McGuinness going into what was Who, because just the idea of Martin
:09:29. > :09:33.formerly a police box would be quite interesting! I have a solution. If
:09:33. > :09:38.Dr Haas is listening. Genuinely, all parades, all parades of all sides
:09:38. > :09:43.happen. But, the people who live along the route have to decide the
:09:43. > :09:46.style of walking. This is good, isn't it? Can you imagine Ardoyne
:09:46. > :09:52.and loads of angry nationalists shouting, and then just Nelson
:09:52. > :09:55.McCausland just moonwalking by them! Garvaghy Road, Edwin Poots or
:09:55. > :10:04.something? Just nationalists shouting, do it! Work the shoulders!
:10:04. > :10:07.You have to sashay! And he is just walking down like that! The jazz
:10:07. > :10:16.hands point to the sky and point to the ground! They should allow all
:10:16. > :10:22.parades, but on one day. And it all happens on the same day. On the same
:10:22. > :10:26.route. Is that not the 12th? Every single parade. So you have got all
:10:26. > :10:29.your loyal orders, you have Paddy's Day. You have gay rights. You've got
:10:29. > :10:33.everything. All on one day. That would be a spectacular event! There
:10:33. > :10:36.would be one person watching it, because everybody else would be in
:10:36. > :10:38.the parade! How come up here they sorted it out? The Apprentice Boys,
:10:38. > :10:42.the parade! How come up here they I was sort of baffled. Up here, they
:10:42. > :10:45.have got it also sorted out. The Apprentice Boys march every year.
:10:45. > :10:47.There's no trouble. Because they're terrified. The Apprentice Boys.
:10:47. > :10:50.Don't look left. Don't look right. It's all Fenians. Just keep
:10:50. > :10:54.marching. Don't look left. Don't look right. Stay on the wall. Don't
:10:54. > :10:58.get off the wall. Don't get off the wall! Keep going. Maybe some wee
:10:58. > :11:09.bullies! I want to get home! Come On! It's a big tourist place now
:11:09. > :11:13.though, isn't it? It's as if Derry has said we have so many marvellous
:11:13. > :11:17.things that we could come in to look at. We've got the site of the siege
:11:17. > :11:21.and the site of the battle. And the site of a massacre. Bring the
:11:21. > :11:24.family. And if you want, you can see where Amelia Earhart crashed her
:11:24. > :11:30.plane! Derry, so good you couldn't get out of it! The murals, as well,
:11:30. > :11:35.they are spectacular. Very poignant and so on. But it reminded me of, I
:11:35. > :11:38.did a joke when I came here a long time ago. And the joke is ruined
:11:38. > :11:44.now. I never anticipated why the joke would be ruined. I said, well,
:11:44. > :11:47.the graffiti over here's just extraordinary. It's not like London
:11:47. > :11:51.at all. In London you just get graffiti. Someone will put bollocks
:11:51. > :11:55.with bollocks spelt wrong. That's it. But here, you have got all this
:11:55. > :11:58.spectacular... You've got this city of Rolf Harrises running around.
:11:58. > :12:02.D'you know what it is yet?! A guy from the UVF with a little Armalite
:12:02. > :12:04.rifle. And I thought, maybe one day that joke will be ruined for
:12:04. > :12:07.historical reasons. I never realised that joke will be ruined for
:12:07. > :12:20.it would be because Rolf Harris would be taken in! Never occurred to
:12:20. > :12:30.me! Can you see what it is yet? GROANING.
:12:30. > :12:35.Too far. That gives that a whole new context, doesn't it?! The Haass
:12:35. > :12:38.thing has happened because the Unionists are disaffected. They're
:12:38. > :12:42.very angry at the moment, and you think, why are they? Because some of
:12:42. > :12:45.the polls coming out now, there was a poll the other day, saying that
:12:45. > :12:47.only 2.6% of Nationalists want a united Ireland now. Yes. Nobody
:12:47. > :12:49.only 2.6% of Nationalists want a likes you, Neil! I don't think it's
:12:49. > :12:54.only 2.6% of Nationalists want a based solely on my appearances on
:12:54. > :12:58.The Blame Game! But I think it's the way that the question was phrased.
:12:58. > :13:01.It's do you want a united Ireland is now? Presumably, they stopped these
:13:01. > :13:03.people in the street. You know, and they're going what, now? I have to
:13:03. > :13:08.people in the street. You know, and go to work. If we have a united
:13:08. > :13:10.Ireland, I won't have work to go to! Do I have to change? Am I still
:13:10. > :13:13.roaming on the phone? There's bigger Do I have to change? Am I still
:13:13. > :13:31.questions here. What's going on with that? Another poll said that the
:13:31. > :13:35.Queen is now more popular with Catholics than Martin McGuinness. Is
:13:35. > :13:38.that right? Yes. The Queen is much more popular than Martin McGuinness.
:13:38. > :13:41.That's weird. But she's good at that. She's a people person. PR.
:13:41. > :13:52.People person. She's up there... (AS THE QUEEN) What do you do? Where do
:13:52. > :13:55.you live? Martin knows all of that. Yes indeed last week Martin
:13:55. > :13:58.McGuinness and Peter Robinson flew to New York in a joint mission to
:13:58. > :14:00.try and sell Northern Ireland. The two men presented a completely
:14:00. > :14:03.United front until they went to two men presented a completely
:14:03. > :14:09.passport control and said they came from two different countries.
:14:09. > :14:12.Martin McGuinness is of course the only man who makes airport security
:14:13. > :14:24.more nervous when he tells them, yes, he packed the bag himself.
:14:24. > :14:27.LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE. So, what is our next question
:14:27. > :14:32.tonight? Who do you blame for poor politicians? Yes, Ian Paisley Jr is
:14:32. > :14:36.the most expensive MP in the UK, claiming over £230,000 in expenses.
:14:37. > :14:40.The expenses have been described as outrageous by the public and as,
:14:40. > :14:47.well, not that much really by ex-BBC executives. Paisley says, one of the
:14:47. > :14:51.reasons he costs so much is because he talks a lot in Parliament. Well
:14:51. > :14:58.then, shut up and save us some money! But who can we blame for poor
:14:58. > :15:01.politicians? McDevitt was the one. McDevitt, the SDLP one. He got
:15:01. > :15:13.caught and he was very emotional on TV. His wee lip and all was going.
:15:13. > :15:16.I'm going to have to get a real job! But, everyone was saying, this is a
:15:16. > :15:20.new departure, there is the politician taking responsibility. He
:15:20. > :15:24.got caught out, he was paying his wife, he was on the Policing Board
:15:24. > :15:27.paying his wife. And this is a new thing, everyone was thinking, no,
:15:27. > :15:30.Trevor Lunn, who is also on the policing board! This is Trevor Lunn,
:15:30. > :15:34.you couldn't write this, who also was paying his wife £16,000 a year
:15:34. > :15:37.expenses, as a researcher. Now, see when it says for politicians, and
:15:38. > :15:46.everyone else, up to, most of us think up to. For an MLA, give me it
:15:46. > :15:50.all! Right? So this journalist said to him, "What qualifications does
:15:50. > :15:53.your wife have? And he says, "I'm not a big fan of qualifications."
:15:53. > :16:06.Pity, then, that ease the Education spokesperson for the Alliance Party!
:16:06. > :16:10.Do you know the way I just fixed the whole parades problem a few minutes
:16:10. > :16:15.ago? Oh, yes. I've just fixed expenses problem as well. Nepotism.
:16:15. > :16:23.Conall McDevitt should pay Trevor Lunn's wife. Trevor Lunn's wife
:16:23. > :16:30.should pay Conall McDevitt's wife. Wife Swap. APPLAUSE.
:16:30. > :16:33.It is amazing. There are a large number of MLAs who employ family
:16:33. > :16:36.members, mainly wives, and I think Trevor paid his wife £16,000 for
:16:36. > :16:43.advice. My wife gives me advice for nothing! 16 grand!
:16:43. > :16:46.He's gone, McDevitt goes, and who comes in in his place? What do you
:16:46. > :16:51.call him from UTV? Fearghal McKinney. You'd think the
:16:51. > :16:55.unionists would have taught the SDLP, don't employ an ex-UTV
:16:55. > :16:58.presenter! Are you insane?! We'd better hold our breaths if Frank
:16:58. > :17:02.Mitchell ever gets the sack, Sinn Fein are going to be sitting waiting
:17:02. > :17:06.for him like that outside the front doors. Wee Frankie is going to be
:17:07. > :17:10.straight in there. Oh, my God!
:17:10. > :17:12.No, Frank is definitely DUP. Why do you think it always rains in
:17:12. > :17:22.Catholic areas? Because of all this stuff, they are
:17:22. > :17:25.all getting caught out with paying family members, and a lot of wives
:17:25. > :17:29.being employed as "researchers." You can't do it any more, as they're
:17:29. > :17:33.getting caught out. So they're going to have to let them go. That's going
:17:33. > :17:36.to be an awkward conversation, isn't it? Sitting down with your wife to
:17:36. > :17:41.sack her! "Right, love, you've put in a lot of work here." She's just
:17:41. > :17:47.sitting there going, "Yeah, mm-hm. Really? Is that right? I think not."
:17:47. > :17:55.Ken Maginnis, I like Ken Maginnis, that was a good one. Road rage, Ken
:17:55. > :17:59.Maginnis got road rage. He was very annoyed and it was a conspiracy by
:17:59. > :18:04.MI5, CIA, the Pope, everybody was involved in this conspiracy against
:18:04. > :18:08.Ken. And he was interviewed outside. Now, he's been done for road rage. "
:18:08. > :18:19.I didn't get road rage! I didn't have it!" It makes you proud of the
:18:19. > :18:23.politicians we have! Mairtin O'Muilleoir as well, when he
:18:23. > :18:30.went to open Woodvale Park in North Belfast. He went up to open this
:18:30. > :18:32.park and all the Loyalists turned up and attacked him! They only turned
:18:32. > :18:35.park and all the Loyalists turned up up because they heard the word
:18:35. > :18:41."marching" in the park. And they thought.
:18:41. > :18:46.Thank you, thank you very much for that. Yes, indeed, everybody is
:18:46. > :18:53.getting involved in politics. Jeremy Clarkson says he might stand for
:18:53. > :18:58.election as an MP. Clarkson is a smug, self-opinionated bigot. He
:18:58. > :19:02.might make it as an MP, but if he wants to be an MLA, he's a shoo-in.
:19:02. > :19:05.So what is our next question tonight? Yes, the next question is,
:19:05. > :19:08.who do you blame for bad education? Yes, in Northern Ireland, we
:19:08. > :19:12.scrapped the 11+. But only we could we take a terrible Exam like the
:19:12. > :19:16.11+, scrap it, and replace it with two exams, a Protestant one and a
:19:16. > :19:19.Catholic one. Yes, our schools are segregated, even our teachers are
:19:19. > :19:24.trained separately. Well, you don't want any of that Catholic geography
:19:24. > :19:27.or Protestant history, do you?! And there are plans now to raise the
:19:27. > :19:32.school starting age to six years old. Educators everywhere say it's
:19:32. > :19:35.better for the child's development and parents everywhere are saying,
:19:35. > :19:40."Oh, no, another two bloody years!" But who can we blame for bad
:19:40. > :19:44.education? Why bother sending them to school?
:19:44. > :19:49.Ever? It's a waste of time. It is a waste
:19:49. > :19:55.of time. There's a wee fella in, where is it? Bangor. Seven A-levels.
:19:55. > :19:59.Seven A*s at A-level. And not Mickey Mouse stuff, not Media Studies, none
:19:59. > :20:04.of that. No, no. I'm talking about real Maths, Higher Maths, Physics,
:20:04. > :20:08.Chemistry. And he applied to Oxford and Oxford knocked him back! What
:20:08. > :20:12.more can he do?! Levitate? What more can the kid do? And that's what he
:20:12. > :20:15.got. Harvard took him on a can the kid do? And that's what he
:20:15. > :20:18.scholarship, so Now he'll have the benefit of coming back and employing
:20:18. > :20:23.whatever upper-class little Shi'ite got his place in Oxford. But it's
:20:23. > :20:28.got to the stage now there is no way to discern who is actually bright.
:20:28. > :20:36.When I was a kid, if you got a B, you were a genius! Do you remember
:20:36. > :20:40.that? If there was a kid in the class got a B, they used to bring
:20:40. > :20:45.him out, the paper would come and take pictures of him.
:20:45. > :20:47.In fairness, when you were a kid, the pictures were not like that,
:20:47. > :21:00.they were more like that! Knock out these funny degrees, by
:21:00. > :21:08.the way, too. Knock them off, all these Mickey Mouse. Design. There
:21:08. > :21:11.the way, too. Knock them off, all was a wee girl done a degree in
:21:11. > :21:15.Cushion Design. Cushion Design! Designing cushions. I did a gig and
:21:15. > :21:17.I asked her, "What do you do?" "I'm finishing a four-year degree in
:21:17. > :21:21.Cushion Design." Four years? How does it take four years?
:21:21. > :21:25.I don't know, but she was there! I didn't even know what to say to her
:21:25. > :21:28.after that. You just go... That's it.
:21:28. > :21:33.It's like PE. Why do they do PE You just go... That's it.
:21:33. > :21:35.degrees? How difficult is it? Is this why in Northern Ireland,
:21:35. > :21:39.there is maybe not a PE degree and Is this why in Northern Ireland,
:21:39. > :21:43.that is how you managed to lose to Luxembourg?
:21:43. > :21:47.ALL: Ooh! All right. This is a Derry audience,
:21:47. > :21:49.the chances of you being actually offended by that joke are very, very
:21:49. > :21:51.slim. Exactly.
:21:51. > :21:54.slim. They are the concerned citizens.
:21:54. > :21:56.They thought, "We should be offended by this. Oh, wait a minute,
:21:56. > :22:00.everybody from Derry plays for the by this. Oh, wait a minute,
:22:00. > :22:03.Republic anyway." Exactly. And even if you don't, you can't
:22:03. > :22:08.lose to Luxembourg and not expect other people to mention it. Whatever
:22:08. > :22:11.you do, don't mention the Luxembourg game.
:22:12. > :22:13.Of course, it means that England are worse than Luxembourg because
:22:13. > :22:16.England lost to Northern Ireland. worse than Luxembourg because
:22:16. > :22:21.Oh, yeah, but... CHEERING.
:22:21. > :22:22.Pick a side! This is why they sorted all the
:22:22. > :22:26.stuff out. "Oh, you can't do that! This is why they sorted all the
:22:26. > :22:27.Oh!" Panto crowd, that's what they are.
:22:27. > :22:30.Oh!" Panto crowd, that's what they I love it when the Scottish get like
:22:30. > :22:34.this, don't they? "Well, you know, you English, you go off to your
:22:34. > :22:38.World Cup and you think you're going to win and you get excited, and you
:22:38. > :22:43.get knocked out in the first week, and you have to come home and watch
:22:43. > :22:47.the rest of it at home with us! Ha-ha-ha! I'm only joking!" A year
:22:47. > :22:58.to the day, there's a vote on Scottish Independence.
:22:58. > :23:02.A year to the day? Yes. A year to the day. They were
:23:02. > :23:07.talking about, they are already thinking about their Olympic team.
:23:07. > :23:11.A Scottish Olympic team. For the next Olympics, if it goes if
:23:11. > :23:14.it passes, they will be independent, so they will have their own team.
:23:14. > :23:21.There are boys in Glasgow going, "I stand a chance! Fantastic!" Imagine
:23:21. > :23:25.the athletes! "Got to make my mind up whether
:23:25. > :23:33.that'll be cycling or rowing, there!" HE COUGHS. "Which one can
:23:33. > :23:37.you smoke at? Rowing, I'll do that." "100m is only ten seconds, I can
:23:37. > :23:43.stop a couple of times for a wee snoot and still win that, all right!
:23:43. > :23:46.Bolt will be retired by then, so he will." "Relay! Gie' us a stick, man,
:23:46. > :23:50.let's go!" I'd like to distance myself from my two Friends who are
:23:50. > :23:55.slagging Off Glasgow, the hardest city in the world!
:23:55. > :23:59.The only think named after Glasgow, genuinely not slang, is the Glasgow
:23:59. > :24:05.Coma Scale, which is a genuine medical scale. If the only thing
:24:05. > :24:10.named after your town is degrees of unconsciousness! I don't know how it
:24:11. > :24:21.goes, "All right, not bad, deed!" So what's our next question tonight?
:24:21. > :24:25.Yes, who do you blame for wasting the courts' time? Yes, Health
:24:25. > :24:28.Minister Edwin Poots is taking legal action to try and stop the extension
:24:28. > :24:31.of gay adoption rights to Northern Ireland. Yes, let's be honest, we're
:24:31. > :24:35.not great on gay rights here, are Ireland. Yes, let's be honest, we're
:24:35. > :24:39.we? In other parts of the world, the issue is whether gay people should
:24:39. > :24:44.be allowed to marry or allowed to adopt. Here, the issue is whether
:24:44. > :24:49.gay people should be allowed! And the answer is usually no. And of
:24:49. > :24:52.course gay people should be allowed to adopt. I mean, why should they
:24:52. > :25:04.miss out on the crushing misery and expense of raising ungrateful brats?
:25:04. > :25:07.Daddy's only joking, kids! I'm not. But who can we blame for wasting the
:25:07. > :25:10.courts' time? Oh, Edwin. Edwin, he is concerned,
:25:10. > :25:14.isn't he? You can understand his concern. You can't let gay people
:25:14. > :25:15.and unmarried people start adopting children. Who knows what those
:25:15. > :25:18.children will grow up and start children. Who knows what those
:25:18. > :25:23.believing! Weird stuff like, the Earth is 4,000 years old, or it was
:25:23. > :25:30.invented by a God, who lives in the sky, over seven days. You know,
:25:30. > :25:33.weird sheet like that! He is very concerned about this stuff because
:25:33. > :25:36.apparently, if this happens, it's going to turn Northern Ireland into
:25:36. > :25:40.some sort of gay paradise, some sort of homosexual hotbed or something. I
:25:40. > :25:47.think we deliberately try and wind Edwin up and say that Derry is all
:25:47. > :25:51.in it. Just mad into it. And next year, at the Culture Festival,
:25:51. > :25:54.They're going to have the Gay Pride and the Fleadh together. Right? And
:25:54. > :26:01.it's going to be called Sodom and Begorrah.
:26:01. > :26:06.People of sound character, no matter what their sexuality, let them
:26:06. > :26:09.qualify to adopt children. Here is a list of people who shouldn't be
:26:09. > :26:14.allowed to adopt children. One, people who wear pyjamas outside
:26:14. > :26:15.their house. Two, people who use the words "going forward." Three, people
:26:15. > :26:24.who leave their fog light on when words "going forward." Three, people
:26:24. > :26:31.there's no feckin fog! Four, Woody Allen.
:26:31. > :26:35.Edwin has also spent money ensuring that the ban on gay men giving blood
:26:35. > :26:39.has continued in Northern Ireland as well. The blood transfusion thing as
:26:39. > :26:42.well. Which is kind of a bit strange. They do ask very strange
:26:42. > :26:46.questions on the form if you do give blood. Like, "Have you ever paid for
:26:46. > :26:54.sex using money or drugs?" Does 12 Bacardi Breezers count?
:26:54. > :27:02.Just time for our quickfire round. I will read you various newspaper
:27:03. > :27:05.headlines and I want you to be quicker than a Northern Ireland fan
:27:05. > :27:13.leaving Luxembourg! The Magnificent Six. Cowboy made redundant.
:27:13. > :27:20.Paisley Junior tops expenses. That's my boy! APPLAUSE.
:27:20. > :27:25.Paisley Junior tops expenses. That's I want your baby.
:27:25. > :27:29.Buy me dinner first. That one goes out to Edwin Poots, by the way!
:27:29. > :27:32.Do lobsters have the secret of eternal life?
:27:32. > :27:39.Nah, they're just giving it all that. Secret of eternal life. Secret
:27:39. > :27:47.of eternal life. Pensioner who punched dog jailed.
:27:47. > :27:51.Now he's someone's bitch. Parking ticket for dead man.
:27:51. > :28:01.Unusual wreath for a traffic warden's funeral.
:28:01. > :28:04.Traffic warden in the audience! 30 kilograms of cocaine in baby
:28:04. > :28:11.bump. They're going to call it Charlie.
:28:11. > :28:17.That's it, that's the end of the show. Please show your appreciation
:28:17. > :28:19.to our panel, Colin Murphy, Mark Steel, Jake O'Kane and Neil
:28:20. > :28:28.Delamere! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
:28:28. > :28:29.I'm Tim McGarry. Until next week, don't blame yourselves, blame each
:28:29. > :28:34.other. Goodbye!