:00:13. > :00:22.. This programme contains language of an adult tone. Who's to blame for
:00:22. > :00:50.that? Hello. Welcome to this special
:00:50. > :00:56.edition of the Blame Game and for the second week in the row we are in
:00:56. > :01:02.the city that's so good they named it twice. No, not New York. We're in
:01:02. > :01:07.Derry-Londonderry, not so much the Big Apple, more the wee spud. Forget
:01:07. > :01:19.the city that never sleeps, this is the city that never works! I'm
:01:19. > :01:23.joking. I'm joking! Derry is the City of Culture 2013, which is why
:01:23. > :01:28.it's a real pleasure to be here and of course Derry-Londonderry,
:01:28. > :01:32.legendary the maiden city. It's called that because the famous walls
:01:32. > :01:41.weren't breached like a true maiden and if you hope to see a true maiden
:01:41. > :01:52.in Derry these days take my advice and don't go near Shipcase Street on
:01:52. > :02:00.a Friday night! So, on with the show and it's all about culture tonight.
:02:00. > :02:04.I'm Tim McGarry. Our regular panel efforts know as much about culture
:02:04. > :02:16.as Gregory Campbell knows much about mass. That won't stop them. They are
:02:16. > :02:21.Colin Murphy, Jake O'Kane and Neil Delamere. Our special guest tonight
:02:21. > :02:30.is a great stand-up and you've seen him on telly Mock the Week and the
:02:30. > :02:37.Comedy Roadshow. He has a slightly plummy accent, I mean as in Nadine
:02:37. > :02:49.coil has a slighty -- Coyle has a slightly Derry accent. Please, give
:02:49. > :02:53.a huge welcome to the hilarious Mr Simon Evans. That's the panel. The
:02:53. > :02:56.audience have asked us questions and we provide some unreliable answers
:02:56. > :03:00.so what have you been asking us tonight. First, who do you blame for
:03:00. > :03:18.so what have you been asking us no drink being allowed in here? Who
:03:18. > :03:25.is to blame for other places not being as cult toured as Derry? You
:03:25. > :03:31.never saw that one coming, did you Derry?! Yes, what a summer we've had
:03:31. > :03:34.in Northern Ireland, while Derry had the maiden city festival and one big
:03:35. > :03:39.weekend, Belfast had riots and setting fire to the city centre. It
:03:39. > :04:01.pains me to say this, but it's absolutely true, it's official -
:04:01. > :04:05.Derry is better than Belfast! It's nicer, friendlier and more and I'm
:04:05. > :04:11.honestly not just saying that because I'm in a room full of 1,000
:04:11. > :04:19.Derry people. There were 400,000 people during the FFLah and only 50
:04:19. > :04:28.arrests. Even the cops were too kissed to addressed anyone. Who can
:04:28. > :04:34.we blame? Local politicians. It has - this summer has once and for all
:04:34. > :04:38.proved that protests are like cat nip for politicians in Northern
:04:38. > :04:44.Ireland. You have a march or a protest and they'll pop up and
:04:44. > :04:46.they're running about. Nigel Dodds. Up in Ardoyne, running about trying
:04:46. > :04:59.they're running about. Nigel Dodds. to get his picture taken like a
:04:59. > :05:19.lunatic. The whole day Nigel was doing it loud "My people. My people
:05:19. > :05:27.are behind me." Brick! Oh, no! Not that are the Republicans are doing
:05:27. > :05:39.any better. Gerry Kelly. He invented a whole new sport. Land cruiser
:05:39. > :05:43.surfing! Perfect example of hubris. He was caught up in the protest and
:05:44. > :05:49.he wanted to talk to one of the policemen and he said, "Pull over.
:05:49. > :05:56.Police jeep, pull over." The policeman drove off. Second one
:05:56. > :06:03."Gerry Kelly, do you know who I am pull over." Police jeep drove on.
:06:03. > :06:13.Third police jeep, Jerry stepped out "Pull over... ." And then, "Stop,
:06:13. > :06:19.stop, stop." The wee cop involved didn't do that deliberately, but if
:06:19. > :06:22.you had Gerry Kelly staring at you through the wind screen you want to
:06:22. > :06:33.put your foot down. I'm getting in front of myself. I've been waiting
:06:33. > :06:40.for six months to talk about this! I know you are a bit confused. It's a
:06:40. > :06:51.strange sight to see MLA there. Or as Americans would say on a hood not
:06:51. > :06:56.a bonnet. Or a hood on a bonnet! I've been away for a while, so
:06:56. > :07:04.explain to me, this all started with flags last year. This is the first
:07:04. > :07:16.time we have had an idea what might come up, so this is not a flag. This
:07:16. > :07:22.is a fleg! It's a fleg. If people see this fleg, suddenly then there
:07:22. > :07:26.the people who like this fleg. Took this fleg down from the City Hall.
:07:26. > :07:36.Nobody noticed it was there until he took it down. Then six weeks of
:07:36. > :07:43.mayhem. Six weeks of mayhem, because took it down. Then six weeks of
:07:43. > :07:52.the people who love this flag are going "They've taken my identity. I
:07:52. > :07:56.don't know who I am any more." It's more complicated. We don't go for
:07:56. > :08:05.two flags. Not in Belfast. We like lots of flags. We love them. We get
:08:05. > :08:16.that flag and on this side you'll also get that flag. Even though both
:08:16. > :08:27.those flags are already in that flag. But the lunatics with this
:08:27. > :08:32.flag decided to adopt this flag! Because they are brothers in the
:08:32. > :08:38.revolution. They are similar to us, only with a suntan. Because these
:08:38. > :08:42.ones took that fleg they will take that fleg because the enemy's enemy
:08:42. > :08:47.is my friend. Can you imagine being a tourist wandering through Belfast
:08:47. > :08:52.what is going on? It gets better. Then this flag gets involved. The
:08:52. > :08:57.Italian flag. Do you know why that got involved? I think you do. Tell
:08:57. > :09:14.me. Willie Frazer can't tell the difference between these two flags!
:09:14. > :09:23.He's got a hair cut from the 1960s. He saw this flag, the Italian flag,
:09:23. > :09:32.at primary school. What was he doing at the primary school? I don't know.
:09:32. > :09:38.Going home for lunch. Batman and Robin you have to have Willie and
:09:38. > :09:52.Jimmy. Now Jimmy does not call it a fleg or a flag. Jimmy calls it a
:09:52. > :10:16.FLAG. They have taken my FLAG. Where is it? "I saw I saw a puddy cat."
:10:16. > :10:25.What can we possibly do to help the situation? No fleg, no problem. I've
:10:25. > :10:37.waited six months for that. That's been a long time. Six months! I feel
:10:38. > :10:43.so much better now. Have you been on the Facebook pages? No, but they've
:10:43. > :10:48.been on mine. I have become slightly obsessed with the Facebook pages. I
:10:48. > :10:54.know my life is going around when I have 215 mutual friends with Ruth
:10:54. > :10:58.Patterson. Who can we blame? We have to blame you Derry, it's injure
:10:58. > :11:05.fault that no-one is as good as Derry
:11:06. > :11:09.APPLAUSE over 28 million has been spent
:11:10. > :11:17.policing controversial marches in Belfast, which is ridiculous. We
:11:17. > :11:23.need every single pay for straB ban City of Culture. I'm joking, I'm
:11:23. > :11:28.joking. £28 million is nowhere near enough. And indeed well done to the
:11:28. > :11:30.street artist there who changed the graph teet fi from join the IRA to
:11:30. > :11:42.join the library and he's been graph teet fi from join the IRA to
:11:42. > :11:47.dubbed Strabanksey. She stole the culture duck. A four-foot plastic
:11:47. > :11:54.duck, I think it was, a culture duck, was stolen. First of all, what
:11:54. > :12:02.is a culture duck? Does it go, quack, quack, quack, quack, opera.
:12:02. > :12:21.The hotel is on the waterside, so we assume it was a duck ala orrank. --
:12:21. > :12:26.ala orange. If you would like to ask the panel just e-mail us. What is
:12:27. > :12:34.our next question tonight. Who do you blame for culture having a bad
:12:34. > :12:38.name? The big question. What is culture? Is it the ballet? Is it
:12:38. > :12:43.poetry? Is it sitting in a caravan at the top of the avenue listening
:12:43. > :12:51.to the Sash? We don't know, so we'll have to ask an Englishman. Now, I
:12:51. > :12:56.understand! I understand the nature of the set-up. Who do you blame for
:12:56. > :13:03.culture? Can I just say before I answer that, or indeed answering it,
:13:03. > :13:08.I take issue with almost everything I have understood so far this
:13:08. > :13:12.evening. Both things. Firstly, having my accent described as plummy
:13:12. > :13:17.and unless that is meant to imply that it suggests a particularly
:13:17. > :13:32.large testicles, then my accent if you are struggling to place place it
:13:32. > :13:36.is educated. One of them got it in Belfast and they passed it around
:13:37. > :13:41.and things got ugly, but I was half way home by then. Culture, I'm with
:13:41. > :13:48.Hermann Goering on this. As with so way home by then. Culture, I'm with
:13:48. > :13:53.many things as I find as time passes, but he bombed Belfast! Tim
:13:53. > :14:01.assured me that would get a laugh, that one. I'm going with the
:14:01. > :14:09.Coventry. Her man goring for those of -- her man Goring Hermann Goering
:14:09. > :14:18.was a senior Nazi and he said, "When I hear the word culture I reach for
:14:18. > :14:22.my gun." And I'm with him on that. Culture is like art that nobody
:14:22. > :14:28.really wants and so the Government have to pay you to go and see it.
:14:28. > :14:32.Culture is like - people don't like art. People don't like art. Culture
:14:32. > :14:37.is just what people actually do. I live if Brighton and Hove on the
:14:37. > :14:42.south coast. The culture there is to get drink and vomit copiously.
:14:42. > :14:43.Brighton and Hove is too middle towns joined together and Brighton
:14:43. > :14:50.thinks that Hove is the posh end towns joined together and Brighton
:14:50. > :14:54.because women pause to put their kebab down before squatting to
:14:54. > :14:58.urinate in gutter on a Friday night. That's considered a bit posh. In
:14:58. > :15:01.Brighton, I mean the women - I'm a That's considered a bit posh. In
:15:01. > :15:05.father and I see them through a That's considered a bit posh. In
:15:05. > :15:08.father's eyes, I don't want to say they dress like prostitutes, but I
:15:08. > :15:12.will say this, if you were a prostitute working in Brighton on a
:15:12. > :15:26.Saturday night you probably need to wear a badge or something, I would
:15:26. > :15:30.imagine. I'm fascinated by accents. We were lost and we were upstairs
:15:30. > :15:35.and the lift won't work because I couldn't work it. There were two
:15:35. > :15:40.ladies and there was Irish dancing. Six-year-olds if leotards, I nearly
:15:40. > :15:48.got arrested. He started sweating first. I said the lift won't work
:15:48. > :15:55.and they ignored me. I said, "I say, madam the lift won't work." Then
:15:55. > :16:00.they spoke. She looked at you and you looked like a lunatic standing
:16:00. > :16:05.there with your flags. "I have a project." There were all the
:16:05. > :16:09.programmes on where there was a woman who went to bed with an
:16:09. > :16:15.English accent and woke up with a Chinese accent. This is true. She
:16:15. > :16:23.had a minor stroke. Maybe that's where they come from. Maybe a long
:16:23. > :16:31.time ago I spoke, "I say, hello." And then "What about you? Everything
:16:31. > :16:35.OK have you seen my flag?" Maybe there's that. Do you think we come
:16:35. > :16:39.preprogrammed with all the accents and you have a stroke and you get
:16:39. > :16:46.one? It sounds unlikely. Like a computer that has the software for
:16:46. > :16:47.different things. If you had multiple strokes throughout the
:16:47. > :16:55.night and you could be what about multiple strokes throughout the
:16:55. > :16:59.you and then it's all about the craic. I hope there is a similar
:16:59. > :17:13.story in China where someone wakes up with an English accent. What's
:17:13. > :17:20.for breakfast? What accent would you like? Belfast is harsh. You can't be
:17:20. > :17:32.romantic with it. You can't. "See you, see you, I love you." It's a
:17:32. > :17:43.threat. "See you and me, oh, wayhey." And again, you couldn't
:17:43. > :17:47.have it. Accents are horses for courses. I speak English to my
:17:47. > :17:49.have it. Accents are horses for butler and French to my mistress and
:17:50. > :17:54.have it. Accents are horses for German to my dog. That was a
:17:54. > :18:02.traditional upper class to accents. It depends who you are addressing.
:18:02. > :18:19.We believed Simon entirely because. If you had said that you would have
:18:19. > :18:27.gone you're talking Shi'ite. A long time ago, I don't do pornography.
:18:27. > :18:33.You don't do it?! Don't watch it and I'm not into it. I'm not paying good
:18:33. > :18:37.money to watch someone else enjoying themselves. The guys who I play
:18:37. > :18:41.cards with they put it on and it was a young couple and they were
:18:41. > :18:47.battering away. It was hard to concentrate. Was it hard? What saved
:18:47. > :18:55.me was somebody turned the volume up and it was a locally made porn film
:18:55. > :19:05.and it broke it when all you could hear was "Come on you boy, come on."
:19:05. > :19:11.Maybe that's what it's like for the pornographic industry with the
:19:12. > :19:17.Swedish films and it was all that. It's probably like that for Swedish
:19:17. > :19:38.people. It sounds all right to us. But the Swedes are going, yuk. I
:19:38. > :19:47.don't think there's an overemphasis on that. What about who's your
:19:47. > :19:55.daddy? In Belfast. Get out the car! If you want to clear a pub in North
:19:55. > :20:07.Belfast just shout daddy. I don't like it because of the overemphasis
:20:07. > :20:15.on the whole excessive full on. I don't want to look down there and
:20:15. > :20:23.imagine you like a pelican with a mackerel. I can hear the rosemary
:20:23. > :20:28.beads in row four! -- rosary beads in row four. I hope you enjoyed
:20:28. > :20:38.that, because you won't be seeing that on TV! ! Shall we go further
:20:38. > :20:46.What is our next question? Our next question is, who do you blame for
:20:46. > :20:50.our divisive sports culture? Yes, deRary man, Martin O'Neill is in
:20:50. > :20:55.line to manage the Republic of Ireland team. O'Neill is in the top
:20:55. > :20:57.ten Northern Ireland footballers which makes him ideal as he's
:20:57. > :21:01.ten Northern Ireland footballers already used to losing most
:21:01. > :21:10.international matches. Martin is the sixth of nine children. Well, at
:21:10. > :21:17.least we know what foot he plays with. Who can we blame for our
:21:17. > :21:24.divisive sports culture? It is pretty bad. I'm not a sports fan at
:21:24. > :21:29.all. Which I'm happy about, because if you support football you would
:21:29. > :21:33.have to support Northern Ireland or the Republic of Ireland and I
:21:33. > :21:46.believe neither did well. It's divisive. People will assume you
:21:46. > :21:48.support Northern Ireland then you're like that and then if you support
:21:49. > :21:51.support Northern Ireland then you're the Republic of Ireland people
:21:51. > :21:55.assume you are like that. There's nothing wrong with being gay.
:21:55. > :22:00.Probably from the middle class are talking about being into football
:22:00. > :22:05.and said, "Why can't we have an all-Ireland team? It works for the
:22:05. > :22:10.rugby." You think, really? Really? I know hugger all about sport, but I
:22:10. > :22:13.know that's not going to work. If you have fans who can't agree on a
:22:14. > :22:17.chant that doesn't annoy some of their own fans then that's not the
:22:17. > :22:25.team to join up with another team who they all hate. There was the
:22:25. > :22:28.diplomat, Jimmy, who was in Luxembourg on an Aer Lingus flight
:22:28. > :22:32.diplomat, Jimmy, who was in and after the match there was
:22:32. > :22:36.controversy because there were rumours because they were singing
:22:36. > :22:39.the Billy Boys and if you're not familiar with this particularly
:22:39. > :22:55.ditty, it contains the lines, we are, we are the Billy boys and we're
:22:56. > :22:59.up to our necks in feen an blood. Apparently they sang it outside the
:22:59. > :23:09.stadium, which they didn't. Anyway it's not offensive at all. He was in
:23:09. > :23:11.a hotel in a red light district and he checked out because he didn't
:23:11. > :23:15.think it was appropriate and I thought it was right because it's
:23:15. > :23:23.got enough dicks, so he went somewhere else. It is a very odd
:23:23. > :23:26.thing. There was an all-Ireland football team. If you watch the
:23:26. > :23:40.rugby and then that song and the other. Everybody hates the oeRpG
:23:40. > :23:47.thing. -- the other thing. England, England. When things are going well.
:23:48. > :23:56.Northern Ireland! Northern Ireland! You can't say Northern Ireland. NI.
:23:56. > :24:01.You're right, when Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland were
:24:01. > :24:07.doing badly a friend said from London why can't you have one team
:24:07. > :24:13.where you have northerners playing for one team and southerners playing
:24:13. > :24:21.for one team and I said we do. Hang on a second. They are playing this
:24:21. > :24:27."We're taking down all the peace walls in Derry." I noticed a big
:24:27. > :24:32.wall all around this city. There's a big wall not getting broken. In
:24:32. > :24:36.Derry there will be peace walls because they've got a river. If you
:24:36. > :24:43.want to have a riot in Derry you have to learn to swim. You can't
:24:43. > :24:55.swim because there's a big monster in the river. I saw him recently.
:24:55. > :25:04.Big, big monster. A Derry man saved all of western civilisation.
:25:04. > :25:07.Basically, when the barbarian hoards were destroying Europe the only
:25:07. > :25:18.people were literate people who were mornings and they came from England.
:25:18. > :25:28.And Chrissant and literacy spread in England and all the way down through
:25:28. > :25:39.the south, but there was a man from who saved all the western
:25:39. > :25:42.civilisation. Thank you very much for that. There's just time for the
:25:42. > :25:46.quick-fire round. I will read you various newspaper headlines and I
:25:46. > :25:52.want you to be quicker than the man who has made Derry jokes all night
:25:52. > :25:59.getting out of the forum. Or quicker than Richard Hass booking a flight
:25:59. > :26:23.home. Man sold newborn grandson on Facebook. After someone poked his
:26:23. > :26:30.daughter! Forced to scrutiny prostitution laws. He's looking for
:26:30. > :26:45.a loophole. Geldof to be the first man in space. Make gravity history.
:26:45. > :26:54.The male group decided to live longer without sex. Are called
:26:54. > :26:56.husbands. My wife is going to kill me for that one. I'm dead. A woman's
:26:56. > :27:06.husbands. My wife is going to kill womb is not her own. As she fails to
:27:06. > :27:23.make final repayment. Fiddler on the Roof. Get six months from the judge.
:27:23. > :27:31.Inflation down. Says leak. George Best Football Academy opens. A
:27:31. > :27:40.bottle to celebrate. Minister orders spot checks of new schools In acne
:27:40. > :27:44.clampdown. Why shouldn't I breastfeed in a public pool? If
:27:44. > :27:59.you're old enough to ask that question you're probably old enough
:27:59. > :28:09.to eat solids? Finally, BBC is dumbing down science? Says Professor
:28:09. > :28:14.Cox and Jonny Balls. That's it. That's the end of the show. Please
:28:14. > :28:17.show your precious to the panel. Colin Murray, Simon Evans, Jake
:28:17. > :28:22.show your precious to the panel. O'Kane and Neil Delamere.
:28:22. > :28:26.APPLAUSE I'm Tim McGarry and until next week,
:28:26. > :28:27.don't blame yourselves, blame each other. Goodbye.