:00:00. > :00:29.Expect plenty of adult humour in this programme.
:00:29. > :00:38.CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello.
:00:38. > :00:48.Welcome to The Blame Game, the show that's got more laughs than the
:00:48. > :00:48.cruise liner has bulging sick bags. LAUGHTER
:00:48. > :00:51.cruise liner has bulging sick bags. I'm Tim McGarry and the regular
:00:51. > :00:53.panelists are of course Colin Murphy, Jake O'Kane and Neil
:00:53. > :01:02.Delamere. Murphy, Jake O'Kane and Neil
:01:02. > :01:06.And our special guest tonight is a very funny young man. Normally on
:01:06. > :01:09.the Blame Game, we search the entire world to bring you the finest comedy
:01:09. > :01:16.talent we can find. And this week, we went the whole way to Lurgan.
:01:16. > :01:20.We stopped the first fella we saw who wasn't drinking Buckfast.
:01:20. > :01:24.He's a local comedian very much on the up. Give a warm welcome to
:01:24. > :01:30.mickey Bartlett! CHEERING AND
:01:30. > :01:36.Now for the last two weeks, we have been in Derry, Londonderry, the City
:01:36. > :01:40.of culture, the great to be back in Belfast, the City of Culture that's
:01:40. > :01:54.culture with a K. We are here, believe it or not, in
:01:54. > :01:59.the old black stuff studios where other things were filmed. A quick
:01:59. > :02:04.hello to Jamie Bryson who treated that he watched the show last week
:02:04. > :02:07.and really enjoyed it, which proves no-one's explained it to him yet --
:02:07. > :02:11.Tweeted. The audience ask the questions and
:02:11. > :02:15.the panel provide some unreliable answers. What are the first
:02:15. > :02:26.questions toppite from the audience? Who's to blame for Lisburn?
:02:26. > :02:33.LAUGHTER That's all it says. From Rachel and
:02:33. > :02:37.her address is Lisburn! Who do you blame for Stormont being
:02:37. > :02:41.in crisis? Yes, Sinn Fein say power sharing is
:02:41. > :02:47.in crisis. Peter Robinson's said that everyone just needs to cool the
:02:47. > :02:53.jets. Cool the jets? ! Who does he think he is, the Fonz. The maze,
:02:53. > :02:56.flags and marching have all been controversial. People say nothing's
:02:56. > :03:00.changed, but that's not true. Nowadays when MLAs go to a march,
:03:00. > :03:04.they can get a taxi there and back and put it on expenses.
:03:04. > :03:09.But who can we blame for Stormont being in crisis?
:03:09. > :03:15.The whole maze thing was that it kicked off in is summer. The peace
:03:15. > :03:19.and reconciliation, they can't decide whether to have it or not,
:03:19. > :03:23.and then when they do have it, they can't decide which flag. Peace and
:03:23. > :03:26.reconciliation and they can't decide. They say it could be a
:03:26. > :03:28.shining example for the world and it's like, are you insane? They are
:03:28. > :03:35.terrified it's going to be a shrine it's like, are you insane? They are
:03:35. > :03:45.to terrorism because the Catholics love a shrine.
:03:45. > :03:49.It's going to become a shrine. They are leaving two H blocks, that's
:03:49. > :03:54.part of the design. I think the unit youenists are
:03:54. > :04:03.terrified they'll build two visitor blocks in the shape of As, so that
:04:03. > :04:07.from the air it says "HAHA". It's insane.
:04:07. > :04:28.APPLAUSE Shouldn't be be a H block and a H
:04:29. > :04:35.block, as in haich and aitch. How do you pronounce the next thing?
:04:35. > :04:38.Giro! That is a disgusting stereotype that
:04:38. > :04:42.happens to be true. They are doing That is a disgusting stereotype that
:04:42. > :04:48.the thing around the north and Sinn Fein are very annoyed because you
:04:48. > :04:58.are not coming to the Forth Road. Why do they think everything has to
:04:58. > :05:05.come to the Forth Road. The race with the bikes or the things flying
:05:05. > :05:11.down the road, have you seen the state of the roads, bumpy. It's
:05:11. > :05:14.going through east Belfast. The number of cars that have been burnt
:05:14. > :05:20.out there recently, it's not the smoothest thing in the world.
:05:20. > :05:26.It's the perfect time to come to West Belfast. Lance Armstrong has
:05:27. > :05:32.retired and he wouldn't be offended by the statues that look like
:05:32. > :05:42.testicles. Coming down Broadway, something's happened, his bike's
:05:42. > :05:47.gone! APPLAUSE
:05:47. > :05:56.£25, it's very light, £25, buy this bike. I went to a tour, like the
:05:56. > :06:00.Tour de France, it was in Cork a couple of years ago. I went to see
:06:00. > :06:05.it. I was watching it and my friend's really into cycling. He was
:06:05. > :06:10.very exciting. It was like the bend of the road, he was enthusiastic
:06:10. > :06:15.about it, we were stood for an hour-and-a-half waiting and then the
:06:15. > :06:19.next thing, a policeman came past on a motorbike and it was like, it's
:06:19. > :06:23.coming, it's coming, all the cars came through with the bicycles on
:06:23. > :06:30.the roof - which I think is cheating - and then it was like here they
:06:30. > :06:35.come and vroom and that was it! They were all together in one big lump,
:06:35. > :06:40.they cycled past and that was it! And he was like "that was
:06:40. > :06:45.brilliant". Did you see who was the leader, he asked me and I was like,
:06:45. > :06:52.I didn't see anything. What about standing at the top of
:06:52. > :06:59.the hill? That's what gravity does. Is there a cycling club? Any reason
:06:59. > :07:03.why it should go there? Yes, there is a cycling shop. I
:07:03. > :07:07.don't like the idea that Italians can come over here and decide
:07:07. > :07:09.instantly what routes they want and yet you need Richard to decide
:07:09. > :07:18.whether you want to walk. Use have got a new passport out.
:07:18. > :07:26.Like I've done it. It's an affront Use have got a new passport out.
:07:26. > :07:29.to the people of the North because you have got wee pictures of
:07:29. > :07:33.to the people of the North because watermarks everywhere down south,
:07:33. > :07:38.not one of Northern Ireland. No. Could have had a wee petrol bomber.
:07:38. > :07:47.Could have had a wee orange man sitting in a caravan. Nothing. You
:07:47. > :07:51.don't really need one to be honest. You could walk into Dublin with an
:07:51. > :07:58.extra vision card, do you know that? ! Tesco Clubcard and the scanners
:07:58. > :08:03.would give you your points. It's friendly. I went there once, I
:08:03. > :08:08.came up from France or is somewhere, we landed in, everybody gets lumped
:08:08. > :08:14.in together. I queued up and went straight through, the man's checking
:08:14. > :08:18.the passport, he saw it and he went "welcome back".
:08:18. > :08:22.It was very nice. They say that to everybody because they read your
:08:22. > :08:34.name on the passport. That's the point. Every other country, they
:08:34. > :08:39.have the man who just grunts at you. I was reading about that because it
:08:39. > :08:44.causes controversy here in some parts of Northern Ireland because
:08:44. > :08:50.yes, liky said, there was a map of the island of Ireland and it kicked
:08:50. > :08:54.off in The Telegraph in the comments section because it's people losing
:08:54. > :09:01.their heads, sectarian from both sides, going, it's a territorial
:09:01. > :09:05.claim and they are both going at each other. Five comments down a
:09:05. > :09:15.lunatic goes, doesn't Tyrone look great on the map!
:09:15. > :09:20.There is some poetry on the map. The weaver poet. Yes, seems a
:09:20. > :09:24.positive thing. It is, yes. I thought it was very good. Slightly
:09:24. > :09:26.terrifying. It worried me that the way Scotland's going to become
:09:26. > :09:29.terrifying. It worried me that the possibly independent. That doesn't
:09:29. > :09:34.bear thinking about here if there would have to be a passport with
:09:34. > :09:48.Ulster Scots on it. I think you would find it's a
:09:48. > :09:49.passporte! It's a book. Plawz law --
:09:49. > :09:53.APPLAUSE The other thing they are arguing
:09:53. > :09:57.about is the super councils. We used to have about 70 councils, then
:09:57. > :10:01.there were 26, now they are going down to 11. In ten years or
:10:01. > :10:06.something like that. For ten years they've been deciding, shall we get
:10:06. > :10:11.rid of the councils, but nobody will make a decision. If they make a
:10:11. > :10:16.decision, people won't vote for them "you took away our thing" what was
:10:16. > :10:20.it? "I don't know but you took it away" and now everyone else has got
:10:20. > :10:24.the thing, they always get the thing and it doesn't matter what the thing
:10:24. > :10:30.is, it's always like, you get the thing, you always get the thing, we
:10:30. > :10:32.is, it's always like, you get the get nothing. They are terrified to
:10:32. > :10:38.make a decision. This super council get nothing. They are terrified to
:10:38. > :10:47.things, they want to straighten the councils down and stop the members
:10:47. > :10:49.being MLAs. They should have a super council. We are going to collect
:10:49. > :10:57.your bins, ta-dar! Then some bloke council. We are going to collect
:10:57. > :11:03.in a hi-viz jacket going, question are too full".
:11:03. > :11:11."Can't close it". "Can't close your lid, it's too full".
:11:11. > :11:18.Bin collecting here, since the wheelie bin introduction, right, the
:11:18. > :11:25.bin man used to be a heavy job, the thing on their shoulder, walking
:11:25. > :11:29.with the bin. It was unbelievably hard and physical. Now it's wheelie
:11:29. > :11:39.bins and it's like boom, the machine goes up and it's like "I'm
:11:39. > :11:44.knackered". . I had to chase the bin lorry months ago, it was like bins,
:11:44. > :11:45.I forgot to put the bins out, they wouldn't come back. It was the
:11:45. > :11:49.campest thing I've ever done, wouldn't come back. It was the
:11:50. > :11:54.running with two bin, you know, like the beginning of the Sound of Music,
:11:54. > :12:00.running with the bins. Could you empty these, please.
:12:00. > :12:08.And they go, it's got to be the brown bin outside.
:12:08. > :12:15.I was up Shankill Road with a bus full of nuns this week.
:12:15. > :12:22.LAUGHTER Long story but I'll cut it short. I know it's ridiculous and
:12:22. > :12:31.you wouldn't believe me. The sister is a missionary nun. They
:12:31. > :12:40.come home every five years, maybe a wee dance or a knit. Dancing nuns. I
:12:40. > :12:46.don't know what nuns do. They have an hour between four and five to see
:12:46. > :12:52.the murals in West Belfast so I say fair enough, I know a guy who knows
:12:52. > :12:56.a guy who knows a guy, I get the guy over, very historical, doing the
:12:56. > :13:00.murals, getting the bus, I think we are going to go down to Titanic,
:13:00. > :13:06.your man drives to the Shankill Road to show them the other side. They
:13:06. > :13:09.are all in plain clothes, right. I thought at this stage, fair enough,
:13:10. > :13:14.they are in plain clothes, things are sweet. Then I look at the bass
:13:14. > :13:21.back of the bus, there's an old weird nun with the whole thing on
:13:21. > :13:25.her. It's called a wimble, I didn't know that, they wobble so don't fall
:13:25. > :13:34.off. I had to turn round and say, sister if anyone asks you anything,
:13:34. > :13:38.we are on a hen night, OK. LAUGHTER
:13:38. > :13:45.Thank you very much for that. Yes, who do we blame for the crisis at
:13:45. > :13:51.Stormont? A bus full of Funs. -- nuns.
:13:51. > :13:55.APPLAUSE There is controversy over proposed
:13:55. > :13:59.school reforms. The Minister of Education is opposed to grammar
:13:59. > :14:03.schools. Like most MLAs; he's not only opposed to that, but to
:14:04. > :14:08.grammar. Meanwhile, in a speech at the Tory
:14:08. > :14:11.Party Conference, Secretary of State Theresa Villiers said the Government
:14:11. > :14:16.was not semi detached from Northern Ireland. Speaking from a disused
:14:16. > :14:21.toilet in the basement, she also said she stood behind the PSNI and
:14:21. > :14:25.she's right, we should all stand behind the police, never stand in
:14:25. > :14:31.front of them. Be of- what Nigel Dodge did and look what happened to
:14:31. > :14:35.him! -- that's what Nigel Dodge did. What
:14:35. > :14:39.is our next question - who do you blame for America coming to a stand
:14:39. > :14:44.still? Good news, Northern Ireland, for one
:14:44. > :14:48.week only, our politicians are not the stupidest ones on the planet!
:14:48. > :14:51.American democrats and Republicans have shot down the Government
:14:51. > :14:54.because they can't agree on health care and the debt ceiling, but it's
:14:54. > :14:58.not about anything important like a flag or a march, so it should get
:14:59. > :15:02.sorted quickly. The US government officials and advisers have had pay
:15:02. > :15:07.frozen, but don't worry, that could never happen here.
:15:07. > :15:09.Our MLAs would be too scared to tell their wives, sorry, love, you are
:15:09. > :15:22.not getting your money. But, who can we blame for America
:15:22. > :15:27.coming to a complete standstill? I feel sorry for people. The museums
:15:27. > :15:31.are closed and the National Parks. I feel sorry for parents who've
:15:31. > :15:38.managed to drag their kids out of bed, the teenagers, have hidden
:15:38. > :15:42.Grand Theft Auto 75 or whatever the latest number is, knocked off
:15:42. > :15:47.electrical substations off the Internet, dragged them to the museum
:15:47. > :15:53.and it's closed. English tourists in Dublin come here Easter and they
:15:53. > :15:59.don't know that you can't buy good drink on -- drink on Good Friday.
:15:59. > :16:05.It's great. People are like, yeah, having it large and people are like,
:16:05. > :16:10.no, you can't buy any, they don't even know. And it's like, shall we
:16:10. > :16:17.tell 'em and we are like, no, we'll not tell 'em. It's like, any other
:16:17. > :16:21.night of the year I'd be with you but not tonight. Three hours later
:16:21. > :16:27.they are bewildered looking like they are at Disney world and
:16:27. > :16:30.somebody just battered Mickey Mouse to death.
:16:30. > :16:34.They are like, where's the best place to get a drink and you are
:16:34. > :16:38.like, Newry. The American thing, it is bad, their
:16:38. > :16:42.Government's closed down for about two or three days, mind you we have
:16:42. > :16:49.had that four years and nobody's noticed. Did you see the filibuster,
:16:49. > :16:52.the guy that tried to talk up the Obama thing, he talked for 21 hours.
:16:52. > :16:57.the guy that tried to talk up the It's weird. Do they have that here?
:16:57. > :17:02.We invented that, the Irish Party. Is it still in effect here? In
:17:02. > :17:06.Stormont? Yes. I don't know. Nobody would listen to anybody in Stormont.
:17:06. > :17:09.Nobody in Stormont can actually talk that much.
:17:09. > :17:16.Somebody did it in Stormont for 21 years, they would use 1 words.
:17:16. > :17:20.The land of democracy and freedom, the cool, I wanna live there, man,
:17:20. > :17:33.then if they could speak like us, it would be great. Instead of going...
:17:33. > :17:42.(speaks fast Northern Irish) We got a wink. They do high fives there.
:17:42. > :17:44.Do the Americans not buy all that stuff as well? I think people here
:17:44. > :17:46.Do the Americans not buy all that didn't, that was the thing.
:17:46. > :18:00.Do the Americans not buy all that There was a song about that.
:18:00. > :18:09.Christie Moore, it was like he was eating hot champions go,
:18:09. > :18:13.hoo-ha-hoo-ha. He was giving off about it, he didn't like it. Thank
:18:13. > :18:16.you for that. If you want to get away from America, you need a new
:18:16. > :18:22.Irish passport. The new Irish passport includes Ulster Scots
:18:22. > :18:25.poetry but I'm sure Nelson McAusland still won't get one. We can have
:18:26. > :18:30.British and Irish passports. We all have a double identity which
:18:30. > :18:40.explains how Gerry Adams could be leader of the IRA and yet not in it
:18:40. > :18:42.at the same time. APPLAUSE
:18:42. > :18:47.So what is the next question tonight from the audience? Who do you blame
:18:47. > :18:53.for the restriction of civil rights with the removal to porn at work in
:18:53. > :19:03.Stormont? Signed by a Fathers 4 Justice traded
:19:03. > :19:07.-- MLA. Who do you blame for the lack of toilet paper on translink
:19:07. > :19:16.trains? I wouldn't be reading that out if I were you.
:19:16. > :19:20.This is a story in the papers. There was a guy stopped without a ticket
:19:21. > :19:26.and the inspector asked where the ticket was and he ended up in court
:19:26. > :19:30.and the judge even went, that is the worst defence, his defence was,
:19:30. > :19:44.there was no toilet pager in the train so I had to use the ticket.
:19:45. > :19:49.Classy. One of those shiny ones with no absorbency. As long as it's a
:19:49. > :19:54.ticket and not some card that you have to swipe. Did he get off? What
:19:54. > :19:58.do you mean did he get off? When you say did he get off...
:19:58. > :20:03.LAUGHTER In next question tonight is, who do
:20:03. > :20:09.you blame for unusual discoveries? A plumber in Dublin found 140,000 euro
:20:09. > :20:14.in 50 euro notes under the bath of an ex-IRA man. All I can say is,
:20:14. > :20:18.it's a pity he didn't look in the septic tank, he might have found
:20:18. > :20:23.Shergar. The plumber handed the money to his
:20:23. > :20:27.boss - seriously - that's how much Dublin plumbers earn.
:20:27. > :20:33.140,000 euro and it still didn't cover the call out charge.
:20:33. > :20:37.A council worker in Bangor found 10,000 in cash in the town's
:20:37. > :20:41.recycling centre and handed it all over. The council worker has been
:20:41. > :20:51.praised for his honesty and divorced by his wife.
:20:51. > :20:58.Who can we blame for unusual discoveries? Bangor, £10,000 in cash
:20:58. > :21:04.in recycling. It's Bangor, you know. Just throw it out, we are finished
:21:04. > :21:15.with it, it's loose change, I put nit the right bin. He handed it in
:21:15. > :21:18.and a councillor rightly commended him saying it's very honest and if
:21:19. > :21:23.anybody wants to claim this money, they are going to have to be very,
:21:23. > :21:29.very specific in the description of this money. It's money! Do you know
:21:29. > :21:36.what I mean? ! Who's the picture on it! ? I initially thought he's going
:21:36. > :21:43.to have to be very specific, but no, we have our own weird bank notes
:21:43. > :21:47.here. The unionists are always giving off about this saying it's
:21:47. > :21:50.Britain, it's the United Kingdom, look at your money and I looked at
:21:50. > :21:54.Britain, it's the United Kingdom, mine and it was Harry Ferguson on my
:21:54. > :21:59.money! They are not the only people that have found things this week.
:21:59. > :22:05.There was Al-Qaeda found something this week, right. This is the most
:22:05. > :22:07.bizarre story in the world. Al-Qaeda unwittingly discovered a terrorist
:22:07. > :22:12.plot that didn't involve them. unwittingly discovered a terrorist
:22:12. > :22:18.There was a boat going through the Suez canal and Al-Qaeda decided, we
:22:18. > :22:24.are going to shoot that because they are from North Belfast. So they got
:22:24. > :22:28.a rocket-propelled grenade, fired it at the ship, a little too high,
:22:28. > :22:31.didn't go into the hull, but went into a container at the back of the
:22:31. > :22:36.ship, went straight through and blew it up. The one container they blew
:22:36. > :22:41.up belonged to dissident Republicans who were smuggling fags here. This
:22:41. > :22:47.is true, sounds insane. It's like the plot of a weird movie.
:22:47. > :22:51.They blew up their consignment, little did they know who owned it -
:22:51. > :22:56.I will find you! The container full of fags. Four
:22:56. > :22:58.million euro? That dissident Republicans were smuggling untoural.
:22:58. > :23:03.million euro? That dissident They blew it up. There must be some
:23:03. > :23:06.doctor evil who controls all the evil terrorist things, there must be
:23:06. > :23:09.a complaint where they sit down in arbitration and go, what happened to
:23:09. > :23:13.our fags and it's like, we didn't know the cigarettes were on the
:23:13. > :23:17.our fags and it's like, we didn't boat. It wasn't a consignment that
:23:17. > :23:24.said "stolen fags". Every time someone came to our door when I was
:23:25. > :23:26.little, we used to buy two copies of the LVF news.
:23:26. > :23:38.There is such a publication as the the LVF news.
:23:38. > :23:44.LVF news? The public spell it VLF news.
:23:44. > :23:47.It's a list. It's the same reason my dad has the
:23:47. > :23:52.Irish news to see if he's in it. in Irish news to see if he's init. in
:23:52. > :23:54.it. Be- not a death notice. It was years. This guy's always bringing
:23:54. > :23:58.it. Be- not a death notice. It was Disney videos to the house for us
:23:58. > :24:02.and it was years before I seen this half of the screen of the Lion King
:24:02. > :24:07.because we started watching and this half of the screen of the Lion King
:24:07. > :24:19.guy is sat in front, it was just a bloke's head on a soldier, I used to
:24:19. > :24:26.sing the semi circle of life! If somebody had a movie, they get it
:24:26. > :24:28.before the cinema, so this wide boy sold me the King's Speech, took it
:24:28. > :24:36.home, put it on. Took it out, sold me the King's Speech, took it
:24:36. > :24:46.cheaped it. Put it on. Took it out. Nobody told me he stuttered.
:24:46. > :24:52.APPLAUSE A thatten in China has a nose on his
:24:52. > :24:57.forehead. That's amazing. Where did he keep his glasses?
:24:57. > :25:05.LAUGHTER I feel sorry for him when he puts
:25:05. > :25:23.the hat on. What if he were an eskimo? How would
:25:23. > :25:31.he say hello? It's upside down as well. He could put his head under
:25:31. > :25:34.water for ages. Are you watching My Tattoo Addiction, there was a dog in
:25:34. > :25:39.that. There was a huge bodybuilder dude and he got his dog's ashes, put
:25:39. > :25:45.mixed into the tattoo ink. The dog was dead, he didn't just... He
:25:45. > :25:51.didn't just burn his leg or owt like that, he got it put in his tattoo
:25:51. > :25:58.and there was a picture of the dog made. It will be weird if the dog
:25:58. > :26:04.haunts him and scratches him there. Or if he walks past lampposts. Yes,
:26:04. > :26:10.wees in the puppy urinal. Someone got a tattoo on the bottom of the
:26:10. > :26:19.inside of his lip. What's the point of that, I would like a tattoo that
:26:19. > :26:24.can only be seen when I suck. Cheryl Cole's tattoo is a disgrace? Have
:26:25. > :26:30.you seen it? It's roses across her bottom. She's talken something that
:26:30. > :26:39.was beautiful and ruined it. She shouldn't be allowed to do it --
:26:39. > :26:42.taken something that was beautiful. Tattoos are very common. I thought
:26:42. > :26:47.you were talking about the tattoo that was here, on the indoor 12th in
:26:47. > :26:50.the Odyssey. APPLAUSE
:26:50. > :26:51.Throwing the thing up, hits the roof!
:26:51. > :26:54.Throwing the thing up, hits the Thank you, thank you very much for
:26:54. > :26:59.that. Yes, indeed it's true, an Al-Qaeda rocket attack on a coarse
:26:59. > :27:05.go ship accidentally uncovered 4 million euro worth of cigarettes
:27:05. > :27:09.allegedly destined for Real IRA. The Real IRA smuggling fags, don't they
:27:09. > :27:13.realise those things kill people! ? Time for a quick fire round.
:27:13. > :27:19.Various newspaper head Lewis Hamiltons will be read to you and I
:27:19. > :27:23.want you to be quicker than a Daily Mail paper boy delivering to Ed
:27:23. > :27:26.Miliband. Spotting a badger with TB is complex? It's not
:27:27. > :27:30.black-and-white. How Gordon Brown reacted to Tony
:27:30. > :27:35.Blair's heart scare. Boo!
:27:36. > :27:47.A tidy house is better than sex. My house is spotless.
:27:47. > :27:56.Rolf Harris appears in court. Sketch ah dust thrown out for saying, can
:27:56. > :28:06.you guess what it is yet. And finally, 15 things a girl should
:28:06. > :28:11.avoid in fresher's week. It's the football team.
:28:11. > :28:20.That's it, that's the end of the show. Please show your appreciation
:28:20. > :28:26.to our panel, Jake O'Kane, Colin Murphy and Neil Delamere.
:28:26. > :28:28.I'm Tim McGarry, until next week, don't blame yourselves, blame each
:28:29. > :28:34.other. Bye-bye.