:00:11. > :00:32.This programme contains adult language and humour.
:00:33. > :00:46.CHEERING AND APPLAUSE hello! And welcome to The Blame
:00:47. > :00:53.Game, the show that's got more laughs than Edwin Putts has gay
:00:54. > :01:01.friends. I'm Tim McGarry, and tonighting comedy blood, sweat and
:01:02. > :01:05.tear Colin Murphy, Jake O'Kane and Neil Delamere!
:01:06. > :01:10.CHEERING And our special guest tonight has
:01:11. > :01:15.been on Live At The Apollo, been a reg lan on Channel 4's stand up for
:01:16. > :01:25.the week and is the new host of the next series. Last week he released
:01:26. > :01:29.his DVD, what's happening white people he has come to the whitest
:01:30. > :01:36.place in the world. If he doesn't find out tonight, he never will.
:01:37. > :01:43.Please welcome Mr Paul Chaudhry! CHEERING
:01:44. > :01:46.ladies and gentlemen, it's been a big well-done to the Northern
:01:47. > :01:51.Ireland football team this week. Yes, they haven't lost a football
:01:52. > :01:57.match for days now. Earlier this week I was actually up in Stormont,
:01:58. > :02:05.where I met the Environment Minister, Mark H Durkin. Some people
:02:06. > :02:12.ask why he is called Mark H Durkin, it is to distinguish him from his
:02:13. > :02:18.uncle Mark Durkin, plus when anybody shouts his name he knows what
:02:19. > :02:24.religion they are. And Morrissey has released his long-awaited
:02:25. > :02:28.autobiography in which they says he is sexually ambiguous. Mart ain, if
:02:29. > :02:35.you are in Belfast, you have no chance of donating any blood.
:02:36. > :02:40.And finally the actor who was due to play the part of Mr Grey from the
:02:41. > :02:43.Fifty Shades of Grey movie has pulled out of the project. Ladies
:02:44. > :02:50.and gentlemen, I'm just waiting from a phone call here. Any minute now.
:02:51. > :02:59.Alright, on with the show. Fifty Shades of Grey does not refer to
:03:00. > :03:04.your beard or hair. APPLAUSE Right, our first question
:03:05. > :03:11.tonight is. . Who do you blame for England winning the World Cup? I
:03:12. > :03:16.know they connectically haven't won it yet but it will feel light for
:03:17. > :03:21.the next nine months. Yes England qualified for the World Cup on
:03:22. > :03:27.Tuesday night. Roy Hodgson the Minister thinks they can win wit,
:03:28. > :03:32.because he says it is not always the best 'm that wins World Cup. Ah,
:03:33. > :03:38.that explains 1966. But who can we blame for England winning the World
:03:39. > :03:42.Cup? They are probably going to blame the Polish now that we've
:03:43. > :03:53.beaten them. Are there any Polish in tonight? You see, they are all
:03:54. > :03:57.working. And that's what we need. APPLAUSE I don't understand why
:03:58. > :04:05.Polish people get this racist abuse. When I was growing up in the '70s
:04:06. > :04:14.and '80s I couldn't change my accent, I was Indian. Now it is, go
:04:15. > :04:19.and do him, he's Polish. And they say, what do you mean I'm Polish.
:04:20. > :04:23.Change your accent. It in the papers that England are straight through
:04:24. > :04:29.and we are going to win, "Three Lions on a shirt, "All that stuff.
:04:30. > :04:37.Poland are 65th in the world, and there were 18,000 Poles in the crowd
:04:38. > :04:42.at Wembley. Maybe that was just a poll. I think it is a great thing.
:04:43. > :04:45.You need England in the World Cup. Northern Ireland aren't in, there
:04:46. > :04:48.the Republic of Ireland aren't in there. You want them this the World
:04:49. > :04:52.Cup. If you don't like England you have somebody to shout for, which is
:04:53. > :04:57.all the other teams, and if you do like England you shout for England.
:04:58. > :05:04.If they weren't there you would miss them like they miss penalties. Teams
:05:05. > :05:08.in the island of Ireland are rubbish. In the Republic of Ireland
:05:09. > :05:16.we have a caretaker manager, by that I think it means he locks up the
:05:17. > :05:19.stadium after. Northern Ireland, you guys wouldn't get to the World Cup
:05:20. > :05:24.if you hosted the World Cup, right? Which I think by the way you should
:05:25. > :05:28.do. That's the way it would be brilliant. Northern Ireland should
:05:29. > :05:32.try to host the World Cup. You could play it in Windsor Park, and I'm
:05:33. > :05:42.sure you've got other stadia as well. You couldply Cliftonville in
:05:43. > :05:48.solitude, that's how a fan could enjoy a match, in virtual solitude.
:05:49. > :05:54.Like the Olympics, when the special Olympics came to the Republic, was
:05:55. > :05:58.it here as well? You have little countries based in various little
:05:59. > :06:02.towns around Northern Ireland. You have Ivory Coast, Shankill Road.
:06:03. > :06:16.Because the Ivory Coast flag is green, white and orange, for the
:06:17. > :06:22.craic. England to the Falls Road and Derry, "Call that a wall?" And
:06:23. > :06:26.what's Iran like? The worst thing is the oil sanctions. We are finding it
:06:27. > :06:35.hard to get our fuel across the borders. You have come to the right
:06:36. > :06:41.place, my friends. Some of it can be a bit racist. There's a big racist
:06:42. > :06:46.issue in England, but hear about Tommy Robinson, used to run the
:06:47. > :06:52.English Defence League. The English did only league. Unfortunately he's
:06:53. > :06:58.resigned. He said there were too many extremists within his group. An
:06:59. > :07:06.extremist organisation afraid of extremists.
:07:07. > :07:17.A lot of people wanted to join the EDL and they accidentally called up
:07:18. > :07:24.the electricity company. I tried to call up the BNP once - obviously
:07:25. > :07:31.over the phone! I phoned them and got through to a call centre in
:07:32. > :07:38.India. APPLAUSE Did you hear this week that
:07:39. > :07:48.Martin admitted that, Martin McGuinness admitted he had slept in
:07:49. > :07:54.the Queen's bed. Was she in it? Go to sleep, go to sleep. She wasn't in
:07:55. > :08:00.the bed. It was Hillsborough and he decided he would have a wee nap in
:08:01. > :08:04.her bed. Did Philip maybe a couple of months later, I say, Lizzy, have
:08:05. > :08:12.you had the dogs up? When he met of months later, I say, Lizzy, have
:08:13. > :08:20.her, this is a big jump, he had just shook her hand. He is the ex-IRA...
:08:21. > :08:28.A wee bit indelicate there Paul, but you said, that you're going away.
:08:29. > :08:33.Explain to Paul, when you look at him in a north Belfast and say,
:08:34. > :08:37."You're going away." He means you are leafing, it doesn't mean he's
:08:38. > :08:43.going to decommission you. He shook her hand and now he is in her bed. A
:08:44. > :08:49.quick mover. Did you watch him when he shook her hand? I was watching
:08:50. > :08:59.him the other day. You would have thought he had put a rod up his
:09:00. > :09:08.arse. He went, no, no, no, take the hand, that's all you're taking. What
:09:09. > :09:10.sort of duvet does Martin McGuinness go for? Duck down was traditionally
:09:11. > :09:21.sort of duvet does Martin McGuinness a warning to Martin.
:09:22. > :09:25.APPLAUSE Somebody tried to break into Buckingham Palace again. The
:09:26. > :09:31.worst robbery attempt in the world, in broad daylight, people standing
:09:32. > :09:35.outside. Who stands outside? The royal baby, the people were all
:09:36. > :09:41.excited, camping outside the hospital for four days. What were
:09:42. > :09:46.they expecting? It was going to be a baby, not the new iPhone. If I was
:09:47. > :09:50.camping outside the hospital for four days, they wouldn't have
:09:51. > :09:55.celebrated. They would have called MI 6.
:09:56. > :10:06.APPLAUSE I was watching Nolan during the
:10:07. > :10:12.week. I like to mentally self harm. It was about blood donations and the
:10:13. > :10:16.rest and some guy from Carrick Sir Alex Ferguson us the texted in and
:10:17. > :10:25.said, I'm 78 and I wouldn't take a gay man's blood if I was on my death
:10:26. > :10:29.bed, and you think, good! One down. I really genuinely hope that man
:10:30. > :10:33.needs blood at some point. If there's a shortage of blood here you
:10:34. > :10:38.will accept blood from England, Wales and Scotland, where they do
:10:39. > :10:45.allow gay men to give blood, so that guy doesn't know. Her he is lying in
:10:46. > :10:49.bed and they say, we are going to play homosexual roulette. Look at
:10:50. > :10:56.this blood, a bit pink. You would never know would you. It has
:10:57. > :11:02.platelets, red cells... Glitter? Wait a minute! It is like a slot
:11:03. > :11:08.machine, you are going pull down the ha lle and take your chances but you
:11:09. > :11:11.don't want three fruits to appear. APPLAUSE Thank you very much for
:11:12. > :11:16.that. Indeed it was revealed this week that Martin McGuinness has
:11:17. > :11:20.slept in the Queen's bed. Martin has strenuously denied staging some sort
:11:21. > :11:30.of Republican protest in the Queen's chamber. Officials are convinced it
:11:31. > :11:34.was his floater in the bid et. That's bad. I'm never going to be
:11:35. > :11:40.able to look at him again without imagining that picture. You think
:11:41. > :11:44.that's bad, my chances of doing the Sinn Fein Ard Fheis are buggered.
:11:45. > :11:51.Can we have our next question, please.
:11:52. > :11:54.Who do you blame for buns on TV? The The Great British Bake Off has been
:11:55. > :11:58.such a big hit it is moving from BBC Two to BBC One. The hugely
:11:59. > :12:02.successful format involves amateur bake ers in a series of bun-related
:12:03. > :12:08.challenges. In the Northern Ireland addition two bakers come to the BBC,
:12:09. > :12:12.bake 100 chocolate eclairs and try to sneak them past Steven Nolan's
:12:13. > :12:18.office. APPLAUSE
:12:19. > :12:23.And it's been announced that the UK is facing a shortage of goats
:12:24. > :12:28.cheese. So if you live in North Down, and have been affected by that
:12:29. > :12:34.news, there'll be a helpline at the end of the show. Or you can donate
:12:35. > :12:41.to the dinner party disasters appeal. But who can we blame for
:12:42. > :12:50.buns on TV? I have an image of Mervyn has to walk five days to get
:12:51. > :12:53.focaccia bread. It is the Great British Bake Off. It is this
:12:54. > :13:02.phenomenon, it is big in our house. Can kids love watching it, the Mrs
:13:03. > :13:05.Love watching it. Any fans in? CHEERING It is insaivenlt it's the
:13:06. > :13:10.most middle class thing in the world. It is so genteel and nice.
:13:11. > :13:13.Today I'm going to make a lovely ginger cake with rose water
:13:14. > :13:19.petals... Anyone can make this at home and you think, no you can't,
:13:20. > :13:25.not with the crap in my Lorder. Cannedied rose peel? What the...
:13:26. > :13:32.Standing at a 24 hour gar anl, have you got any cannedied rose peel? You
:13:33. > :13:37.can't do it. It is the most middle class thing. The format has been
:13:38. > :13:41.sold around the world. There's the great Australian bake-off, and there
:13:42. > :13:46.is an Irish version. It is called the great bake-off or something. It
:13:47. > :13:49.is very nice. When it goes to the United States it is going to be
:13:50. > :13:53.ruined because it is going to be that competitive thing. If you see
:13:54. > :13:59.MasterChef in the United States, here it is what are you doing? I'm
:14:00. > :14:10.going to make foam... It looks like the chef's has gone...
:14:11. > :14:16.LAUGHTER Is the foam ready? It is all middle class. This week a guy
:14:17. > :14:20.was selling bricks in the village. They knocked down a lot of houses in
:14:21. > :14:28.the village and some guys have taken the bricks away and sold them for
:14:29. > :14:33.100 quid... Are you tying to tell me there's a place in Belfast called
:14:34. > :14:37.the village and they are stealing bricks? Is that why you wanted me to
:14:38. > :14:41.dress as a construction worker? Are you trying to tell me they are
:14:42. > :14:47.steeling wig whams now as well? You are trying to clean the village
:14:48. > :14:54.bricks and you get a UVF mural, George Best, UVF mural, George Best.
:14:55. > :15:00.Middle class people are buying them. This is a demolition project right?
:15:01. > :15:05.There's probably a couple of Polish dudes working on that. What are they
:15:06. > :15:09.going to tell people in Poland? Belfast is amazing for demolition.
:15:10. > :15:12.You knock down the building you don't clean up the bricks. In the
:15:13. > :15:17.middle of the night the brick fairies come along and they remove
:15:18. > :15:24.the bricks. What do they use the bricks for? For building and selling
:15:25. > :15:28.and throwing at Nigel Dodds. What they are doing is these guys sell
:15:29. > :15:33.these because they are old red Belfast brick and they are selling
:15:34. > :15:40.them to lovely people who are building a gazebo at the bottom of
:15:41. > :15:45.of the -- bottom of the garden. These bricks are marvellous, the
:15:46. > :15:52.texture of them change individually, the colours change. This one has
:15:53. > :15:59.Tague written on it. I think it's the guy who built it. The middle
:16:00. > :16:03.class thing don't exist here. The local papers get hold of the stories
:16:04. > :16:06.in the national press and they try to put them in, because they think
:16:07. > :16:11.people here will be interested in them. The middle class don't exist
:16:12. > :16:15.here. There's people with money or without money. The people with money
:16:16. > :16:20.think they are classy, and they are not, because they are here, right?
:16:21. > :16:27.In England the goat's cheese will be a problem. Here if you can name
:16:28. > :16:36.three brands of cheese in the fridge, that's the thing. What have
:16:37. > :16:40.you got? Dairylea. Easy Singles and Philadelphia. You are really
:16:41. > :16:45.spoiling us. We don't have a middle class but the one thing that is
:16:46. > :16:48.getting people annoyed here is the common end cation found, John
:16:49. > :16:55.O'Dowd, the Sinn Fein Education Minister. A genius. Every time I see
:16:56. > :17:03.John O'Dowd I think of Frankenstein's monster. You will
:17:04. > :17:12.recognise this, Education Minister. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
:17:13. > :17:22.to the floor the Education Minister. LAUGHTER
:17:23. > :17:31.I want to talk about add caismcts This is a genius idea. School meals,
:17:32. > :17:34.the bloes blunt instrument. If one school is getting many school meals
:17:35. > :17:39.and these aren't, they want to take the money off the schools that
:17:40. > :17:46.aren't getting the school meals and give it to those who do get them. At
:17:47. > :17:51.my school everyone got the school meals, even the headmaster had a
:17:52. > :17:57.school meal. He is robbing William to pay Seamus. I don't think he
:17:58. > :18:04.means that but that's what he is doing. There is no money, what
:18:05. > :18:09.account we do? So he is changing the common funding formula to education,
:18:10. > :18:16.so education has to be given based on meals for children? Yes. Right.
:18:17. > :18:25.Square meals for children? Yes. That's education equals meals for
:18:26. > :18:33.children squared. APPLAUSE I see. I don't understand
:18:34. > :18:43.that joke. He used to be a chef, John O'Dowd. A qualified chef. Send
:18:44. > :18:48.him back to cooking buns instead of educating kids. If he's got no
:18:49. > :18:52.money, why not take wee William and wee Seamus and put them in the same
:18:53. > :19:01.school? APPLAUSE
:19:02. > :19:06.I think that's very good. I wouldn't send my son myself, but I think
:19:07. > :19:12.that's very good. I wonder like mine. He has to learn
:19:13. > :19:19.Holy Communion. I saw a different version of Frankenstein than you.
:19:20. > :19:25.I'm lost with this whole thing. Frankenstein wasn't a chef.
:19:26. > :19:30.Restaurant, what was happening in Belfast last week, to get people
:19:31. > :19:35.into the restaurants, marvellous, the food culture in Belfast is
:19:36. > :19:40.marvellous, full of people going... And the thing is that the sign of a
:19:41. > :19:48.good restaurant here, is what was it like? Brilliant, you got a big feed.
:19:49. > :19:54.What's the food like? Big feed. You get loads of it. And you get the
:19:55. > :19:57.wine list. No-one, it doesn't matter how fancy you think tur, really
:19:58. > :20:04.knows about the wine. Everybody looks at it and goes, thank you very
:20:05. > :20:08.much. What they are doing is looking for the second cheapest wine. You
:20:09. > :20:13.don't want to buy the cheapest, because if you buy the second
:20:14. > :20:18.cheapest it looks like you know what you are talking about. The waiter,
:20:19. > :20:24.who knows bug per all. Posh people eat in restaurants but don't tend to
:20:25. > :20:30.work in them. He's walking around, do you want to test the wine? Here's
:20:31. > :20:36.the wine, what do you want to choose? That is the second-cheapest
:20:37. > :20:41.wine. And then he opens it and he will still do the thing where he
:20:42. > :20:46.says, can I taste it? Neither of them knows what they are doing. The
:20:47. > :20:50.guy with the screw top is going, very good. The whole point of
:20:51. > :20:58.tasting it is that it only works with the cork. And they go, what is
:20:59. > :21:01.this? And they go, 12%. You didn't recognise our Education Minister.
:21:02. > :21:07.What sort of education did you have? I want to know, did you go to a Prod
:21:08. > :21:13.school or a Catholic school? I don't want to say really. I want to a prot
:21:14. > :21:18.stand school. I knew that. Did you? Yes, I did. The or maybe I
:21:19. > :21:26.didn't. I've always wanted to make the audience at home guess.
:21:27. > :21:33.Chaudhry's a Catholic name. Went to a Catholic school. Our sex education
:21:34. > :21:37.consisted of, "Stop doing it! Jesus is looking." Thank you very much for
:21:38. > :21:43.that. Who do we blame for buns? Catholic
:21:44. > :21:48.sex education. Indeed, Starbucks have claimed
:21:49. > :21:52.ownership of the concept of a Duffin, a crossing between a
:21:53. > :21:59.doughnut and a muffin. What do you get if you cross a muffin, a tart
:22:00. > :22:04.and a Brownie? Type two diabetes. And in a completely unrelated story
:22:05. > :22:10.the Vatican has criticised a German Bishop for spending ?26 million on
:22:11. > :22:16.his res dense. It's the new frugal Vatican. Can't wait until they have
:22:17. > :22:28.to redo the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel... The Lord has struck you
:22:29. > :22:38.down! APPLAUSE The power of Christ compels
:22:39. > :22:46.me. You can see the Catholic brains now. 50 Shades of Pray. I'm going to
:22:47. > :22:51.try to read this again, and the joke isn't even worth it.
:22:52. > :22:55.And the Vatican has criticised a German Bishop for spending ?26
:22:56. > :23:02.million on his residence. The it's the new frugal Vatican, can't wait
:23:03. > :23:07.until they have to redo the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, with two tins
:23:08. > :23:11.of Dulux magnolia. of Dulux magnolia.
:23:12. > :23:17.APPLAUSE What is our next question? Who do you blame for unionists
:23:18. > :23:24.getting letters in Irish? Yes, Sinn Fein ML Katrina wants to send
:23:25. > :23:29.letters to other MLAs in Irish, which is not fair, because they have
:23:30. > :23:35.them have no understanding of English never mind bloody Irish. She
:23:36. > :23:41.is angry about the letters being in Irish. Wait until they find out
:23:42. > :23:51.she's ordered Union Jack toilet roll. Katrina is to blame. All over
:23:52. > :23:55.a hurricane. Different spelling. They do, they mangle the English
:23:56. > :24:00.language. MLAs, it is their language they speak and they can still make
:24:01. > :24:05.it sound like their second language. These people are paid 40 or 50 grand
:24:06. > :24:10.to make speeches that are written for them, right? And they are handed
:24:11. > :24:19.them and they can read them and she wants it translated now into Irish,
:24:20. > :24:22.the answer is Irish and English and the unionists will want it
:24:23. > :24:30.translated into Ulster Scots, and to Irish and back into English to annoy
:24:31. > :24:39.Katrina. Ampcts? They hand her one like that. You do the Irish right
:24:40. > :24:44.and you do the Ulster Scots, right? APPLAUSE That's racism, why didn't
:24:45. > :24:48.you ask Paul to do the Ulster Scots? I would like to tell the Assembly
:24:49. > :25:06.that this situation is the situation that can't go on, so it can't, so it
:25:07. > :25:24.can't. I'll do the sign language. APPLAUSE Speaking in Irish. There's
:25:25. > :25:29.a lot of slobbering going on. And if the situation doesn't stay in
:25:30. > :25:36.the situation it is going to stay a real situation.
:25:37. > :25:40.It's a lovely language. It's a beautiful language. Irish is a
:25:41. > :25:44.beautiful language. Sinn Fein should just leave it alone. They are
:25:45. > :25:52.screwing it up. They are changing their names. Like Martin, our Lord
:25:53. > :25:57.Mayor. Which is his right, but he's going through life with everybody
:25:58. > :26:01.saying did you meet Martin, how do you pronounce it? Leave the Irish
:26:02. > :26:06.out of it. Don't be looking at me, I'm not responsible for the whole of
:26:07. > :26:09.Irish. You didn't translate that, by the way. I don't like what you said.
:26:10. > :26:19.You don't know what I said. the way. I don't like what you said.
:26:20. > :26:31.Fein, and Ard Fheis. It means welcome. I'm bilingual. You are
:26:32. > :26:36.tri-lingual, you speak Ulster Scots. During the troubles he was Martin
:26:37. > :26:44.and during the Troubles Brits came on to the bus. Asked everybody their
:26:45. > :26:53.name. He says Martin Miller. Brits got off the bus. Everybody went
:26:54. > :26:56.Marty, what happened to your name? He said, never tell the bustards
:26:57. > :27:02.your real name. APPLAUSE
:27:03. > :27:06.Thank you for that. Time for our quick fire round. I will read
:27:07. > :27:14.various newspaper headlines and I want you to be quicker than Peter
:27:15. > :27:22.Robinson out of a GLA dinner. Women come first? Not in my house they
:27:23. > :27:28.don't. Pope Francis poses as fireman In weirdest naked calendar ever. Now
:27:29. > :27:35.I will rule the world. Says man with ruler and massive pencil and OCD.
:27:36. > :27:41.Edwin Poots deaf to criticism. That's surprising considering had
:27:42. > :27:52.size of his ears. Five things to do before you die.
:27:53. > :27:57.Girls Aloud. APPLAUSE What about the ginger one.
:27:58. > :28:06.I'm Irish. I would start with the ginger one. Grease star hire
:28:07. > :28:11.competitor assist. Her chills were multiplying and she's losing
:28:12. > :28:26.control. And finally, panda cup dies. Marksman resigns from badger
:28:27. > :28:29.cull. APPLAUSE That's it. That's the end
:28:30. > :28:33.of the show. Please show your appreciation to our panel, Colin
:28:34. > :28:42.Murphy, Anjum Choudary, Jake O'Kane and Neil Delamere!
:28:43. > :28:47.CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I'm Tim McGarry. Until next week,
:28:48. > :28:53.don't blame yourselves, blame each other. Goodbye.