:00:38. > :00:48.Hello! Welcome to The Blame Game, the show that has got laughs that
:00:49. > :00:54.are bigger than Edwin Proops's legal bills. Our regular gestures are
:00:55. > :01:05.Colin Murphy, Jake O'Kane and Neil Delamere. -- jesters. Our special
:01:06. > :01:09.guest is a superb standard. He was a stand-up in the Edinburgh Festival
:01:10. > :01:16.competition. He has been on Meet Your Neighbours and open for Joan
:01:17. > :01:28.Rivers. And that's not a euphemism. He is the hilarious Gareth Farley.
:01:29. > :01:37.Despite me putting myself forward last week, Jamie Dornan got the part
:01:38. > :01:41.of Mr Gray in the 50 Shades movie. I know why, it's because I'm a
:01:42. > :01:44.Catholic. And this show, the audience asked the questions and the
:01:45. > :01:52.panel provide unreliable answers. What are the first questions? Who do
:01:53. > :02:00.you blame poor erectile dysfunction? -- for. When she put her name down.
:02:01. > :02:11.It is Sharon Hobbs. Let's see the husband. He's next to her. It's not
:02:12. > :02:15.like you can't stand. You don't go to the doctor I know, The Blame
:02:16. > :02:28.Game, they will know how to deal with it. Or she's looked and
:02:29. > :02:33.thought, there are five dicks. Who do you blame for bad ideas? Vans
:02:34. > :02:36.with messages telling illegal immigrants to go home were widely
:02:37. > :02:39.acknowledged as a bad idea and scrapped. In Northern Ireland, we
:02:40. > :02:43.don't mind immigrants coming here. We are just testified as to why the
:02:44. > :02:51.hell they want to. We don't even mind foreigners coming and taking
:02:52. > :02:58.our jobs. Sure, we don't need them. As for immigrants allegedly sponging
:02:59. > :03:05.off the state, you are amateurs compared to others. But who can we
:03:06. > :03:08.blame for bad ideas? This van thing the Tories had, going around
:03:09. > :03:13.boroughs in London. On the side of it it said, if you are an illegal
:03:14. > :03:18.immigrant, go home. They said it was a bad idea. It turns out, one guy
:03:19. > :03:23.did. One guy saw the advert and went, fair enough. That is what
:03:24. > :03:29.happened. He went back to Pakistan, where he was from. This man is the
:03:30. > :03:32.most susceptible man to advertising that has lived. He must be coming
:03:33. > :03:42.back from the shops, laden down, I am worth it! There is a thing, I
:03:43. > :03:46.disagree, immigrants are not very welcome in some places. A man has
:03:47. > :03:50.already been intimidated out of one home and relocated. Before he moved
:03:51. > :03:54.in, these are very clever people wrote slogans on the front of his
:03:55. > :04:02.house to tell him he was not welcome. But if you are going to
:04:03. > :04:12.hate someone, at least be able to spell the names you are going to
:04:13. > :04:16.call them. There are two Gs in that word. They told an entire country to
:04:17. > :04:20.go back to where it is from. They had to be told by the public that
:04:21. > :04:23.having a beauty competition was not a good idea. They have the miss
:04:24. > :04:31.Ulster competition. It sounds like the most hideous title to win. What
:04:32. > :04:38.are you? Miss Ulster. An horrendous thing. They didn't realise.
:04:39. > :04:43.Actually, the MLAs were two women that were going to judge them. There
:04:44. > :04:46.are only 20 of them in Stormont. There were not far less than that in
:04:47. > :04:51.the actual competition. Their idea was, it well, it's a good way of
:04:52. > :04:57.getting women into Stormont, if they parade around and go, I'm lovely.
:04:58. > :05:05.Basil McCrea, or Richard Madeley, was there. He was going to post it
:05:06. > :05:11.in I21, which sounds like some kind of operation room. It's going to the
:05:12. > :05:15.Titanic building. They were worried it was exclusionary, because there
:05:16. > :05:19.were rules. Of course it is, Hope of the population here will not wear a
:05:20. > :05:33.sash. -- half the population. Apparently the van campaign, it was
:05:34. > :05:35.stopped, but they will continue the campaign of sending warning text
:05:36. > :05:37.messages to possible illegal immigrants. What are they going to
:05:38. > :05:50.say? You had better be roaming! This is the stupidest idea in the
:05:51. > :05:56.world. They are going to give the prisoners their own keys to their
:05:57. > :06:00.cells. To provide a bit of privacy for the prisoners. You reckon when
:06:01. > :06:06.they go out and they are locking up, do they leave the light on? In case
:06:07. > :06:10.of burglars? What is the point of locking it in a prison? They will be
:06:11. > :06:23.able to get in, they are all burglars. He has locked that, eejit!
:06:24. > :06:31.You know that is the audience? They are only the audience because they
:06:32. > :06:39.can't change the channel. Over year, I loved that programme. Thank you
:06:40. > :06:45.very much, it's nice to meet you. The great escape, and we all got
:06:46. > :06:50.caged and wet? My favourite worst idea this week was the guy that was
:06:51. > :06:53.getting married. About to get married in Liverpool. He mucked up
:06:54. > :06:57.the paperwork and could not get married. Instead of telling his wife
:06:58. > :07:03.to be, he phoned a hoax bomb warning. What man in this room has
:07:04. > :07:11.not thought of that on their wedding day? For a split-second. There's a
:07:12. > :07:15.bomb, it could, it could work. The only good thing about that, when he
:07:16. > :07:22.gets out, the dissidents have a job for him. He didn't fill in the
:07:23. > :07:27.forms. If you are getting married, the amount of stuff you have to fill
:07:28. > :07:34.in... Me and my girlfriend went on a pre-marriage course. We are not
:07:35. > :07:42.engaged, I just like to tease her. I was tying my shoe lace, down on one
:07:43. > :07:46.knee. Velcro. We had to fill in these questionnaires. There are
:07:47. > :07:50.about 70 questionnaires, in the traditional Irish pre-marriage
:07:51. > :07:55.course. A Catholic one. Where do you see yourself in five years? I wanted
:07:56. > :07:59.to do the traditional Indian pre-marriage course. See her? She is
:08:00. > :08:03.yours. I think I didn't take it as seriously, she wrote the proper
:08:04. > :08:06.answers down to see if we work on portable. When is your favourite
:08:07. > :08:16.part of the day to make love? She went, evenings. I said, half-time!
:08:17. > :08:21.Who is the most likely to bring up a past argument to prove they are
:08:22. > :08:28.right in the current one? She said Neil, I said, the Israelis. The one
:08:29. > :08:31.that really annoyed her, name three benefits marriage will give to your
:08:32. > :08:36.relationship. She wrote stability, close family ties and security. I
:08:37. > :08:45.wrote child benefit, housing benefit and the benefit of hindsight.
:08:46. > :08:51.The best story this week, the stupidest idea, they are going to
:08:52. > :08:55.put chickens in high visibility jackets. Brilliant headline, because
:08:56. > :09:05.they are wandering around the streets. Where? Wherever this is.
:09:06. > :09:08.Not Belfast, they would eat them. This will cause road accidents, you
:09:09. > :09:19.will think there are roadworks really far away. It is actually a
:09:20. > :09:24.check in, close up. What the... ? There is a glow-in-the-dark road in
:09:25. > :09:34.Cambridge. They actually did it? They put lights on the ground. It
:09:35. > :09:37.glows blue. They think it is a great idea, you can get rid of
:09:38. > :09:42.streetlights. It's the most insane idea in the world. Can you imagine
:09:43. > :09:48.glow-in-the-dark streets here? They can colour them, that is the point.
:09:49. > :09:58.This is our road! Who says? Wait till its dark! Thank you very much
:09:59. > :10:06.for that. Indeed, a beauty contest at Stormont has been scrapped.
:10:07. > :10:12.Instead, yesterday, Aung San Suu Kyi visited the assembly. MLAs gave her
:10:13. > :10:22.six out of ten for poise and posture. She let herself down in the
:10:23. > :10:30.swimwear. Coming up, our next question tonight, who do you blame
:10:31. > :10:32.for poverty? Stormont has earmarked ?80 million to lift people out of
:10:33. > :10:38.poverty. But wrangling has prevented the money being spent. MLAs have
:10:39. > :10:43.lifted a number of people out of poverty by paying their own wives
:10:44. > :10:50.and families to do research. Government statistics show that
:10:51. > :10:55.Catholics are generally poorer than posits is... Protestants. But those
:10:56. > :11:02.flags are not cheap. Who do we blame for poverty? At uni, it has only
:11:03. > :11:08.happened here. 800 million, 2011, and they haven't given 1p to the
:11:09. > :11:13.poorer. 80 million? Out of 800 million? It is all because there are
:11:14. > :11:15.more poor Catholics than there are poor Protestants. And we can't be
:11:16. > :11:21.giving more money out to the Catholics. The debate is go to take
:11:22. > :11:27.place in that assembly, the unique debates, the DUP standing up, we are
:11:28. > :11:32.disgraced, we are shocked, shocked, shocked I say. Yes, shocked. That
:11:33. > :11:36.there are so many disparities between poverty, between the
:11:37. > :11:40.Nationalists and unionists. We will not stand for this. The DUP will not
:11:41. > :11:45.stand for this. We will work as ineffectively as we have done, for
:11:46. > :11:47.as many years, to ensure that for every port catholic there are two
:11:48. > :12:04.poor Protestants. every
:12:05. > :12:15.I will give way to the honourable scummy member from Sinn Fein. I
:12:16. > :12:21.would like to thank the honourable fascist for what he has said. I am
:12:22. > :12:27.glad his family -- party has finally recognised that this side of the
:12:28. > :12:33.assembly has managed in 15 years to not just have the same number of
:12:34. > :12:35.poor, unemployed people in our constituency, but we have risen that
:12:36. > :12:41.number. I dream the day will come when
:12:42. > :12:48.little Catholic boys and girls will join hands with little Protestant
:12:49. > :12:49.boys and girls and March hand-in-hand down to the dole office
:12:50. > :13:00.to gather! A survey says Northern to gather! A survey says Northern
:13:01. > :13:09.Ireland is the happiest place in the UK. Obviously the survey did not
:13:10. > :13:17.rate Jim Allister. What is our next question from the audience? Who do
:13:18. > :13:34.you blame for the escape the Monkees from Belfast zoo last remark? It is
:13:35. > :13:48.just a PR stunt. They have got their own keys. Who is to blame for Alex
:13:49. > :13:52.Ferguson's autobiography? It came out this week and David Beckham is
:13:53. > :14:00.going to be furious when somebody reads it to him. Alex said he was
:14:01. > :14:08.obsessed with fame. Sir Alex was hoping to get the underpants gig for
:14:09. > :14:19.himself. And McCausland was said to be misleading when he was promising
:14:20. > :14:24.?10 million in funding. They put in a bid for line or messy. Who can we
:14:25. > :14:34.blame for Alex Ferguson's autobiography? He had this row with
:14:35. > :14:40.David Beckham over his hair. No manager has had back row. Instead
:14:41. > :14:46.you can have it in combs and an Afro, but you cannot have it in
:14:47. > :14:53.both. David Beckham has not said anything at all. Roy Keane is a
:14:54. > :14:57.different player to David Beckham. There will never be a Roy Keane
:14:58. > :15:12.aftershave. It would smell of petrol and regret. It would be a bottle
:15:13. > :15:17.shaped like a fist so you have to punch yourself in the face to put it
:15:18. > :15:21.on properly. I don't know why Alex Ferguson is writing this book, he is
:15:22. > :15:27.doing lectures in business management in Harvard. David Beckham
:15:28. > :15:30.probably thinks the Ivy League is where you get relegated to. People
:15:31. > :15:39.thought Roy Keane was an amazing footballer. He single-handedly beat
:15:40. > :15:44.Juventus in 1999. No modern man United player could do that. If you
:15:45. > :15:46.told Wayne Rooney that in the next match they were meeting the old lady
:15:47. > :16:00.of children, match they were meeting the old lady
:16:01. > :16:10.during in Harvard? No one can understand him here. That was Van
:16:11. > :16:16.Morrison. The thing about David Beckham was that he married
:16:17. > :16:26.Victoria. It sounded like he was annoyed that he had not married him.
:16:27. > :16:32.You see him interviewed and he was growling with a red face. He was
:16:33. > :16:36.just missing the big issue. He said he was interested in socialism and
:16:37. > :16:44.fine wine. It is like being interested in Martin Luther King and
:16:45. > :16:59.the UVF will stop you when to see the Carl Fratton fight? He is light
:17:00. > :17:07.bantamweight. He is about that size. Yes, I could take him. Where to rush
:17:08. > :17:21.to mark that is a Children In Need challenge. You would be there with a
:17:22. > :17:24.bandage over one eye. As soon as he gets married and has kids, I will
:17:25. > :17:41.bet his child will be world champion. Three other boxers this
:17:42. > :17:48.week? Paddy is out there. If they get married and do have a child and
:17:49. > :17:55.is good at sport, we would rob a bleak get the guard to say it is not
:17:56. > :17:59.theirs and claim him. There is one child who probably will not end up
:18:00. > :18:07.in a boxing ring is Prince George. Did you see anything about it? Who
:18:08. > :18:15.is this? Prince George. Who is Prince George? He is the king of
:18:16. > :18:21.your country, that is who he is. He is not the king of my country, that
:18:22. > :18:32.would be Angela Merkel. I don't think Philip knew what was going on.
:18:33. > :18:39.Seven God parents. That is an odd number. I thought you were supposed
:18:40. > :18:47.to have godmother, Godfather, godmother, Godfather. Conjoined
:18:48. > :19:08.twins at the end. Some of the names, Amelia Jordan Patterson,
:19:09. > :19:14.Jimmy Pinkerton. Earl Grosvenor. The Daily Mail was horrendous, the
:19:15. > :19:27.coverage of it. 11 glorious pages. It was pictures, just looking at
:19:28. > :19:35.pictures of somebody else's wedding. My kids had projectile vomit at his
:19:36. > :19:44.christening. Was it as soon as the holy water touched him? The second
:19:45. > :19:56.it hit him. Did his head start spinning round? It was embarrassing.
:19:57. > :20:07.We have got a Protestant! At least we will get a job!
:20:08. > :20:14.When Prince George was born, it was the front page of every newspaper
:20:15. > :20:29.around the world, apart from the Irish News. Now I know what you are
:20:30. > :20:36.talking about. They had a picture of Pippa Middleton's not backside. The
:20:37. > :20:40.last dig family occasion she was apt, everything was about her
:20:41. > :20:48.backside. This time it was just her in a coat. Basically her sister had
:20:49. > :21:08.gone, " if you get your backside out... It is his day, not yours".
:21:09. > :21:14.Who do we blame for Sir Alex Ferguson's autobiography? Prince
:21:15. > :21:22.George. And Carl Fratton beat the Frenchman. He beat him easily, a bit
:21:23. > :21:27.like beating a dissident republican in an intelligence test. If you
:21:28. > :21:33.would like to ask the panel a question in the next episode just
:21:34. > :21:39.e-mail us. What is the next question from the public? Who do you blame
:21:40. > :21:46.for wasting food? We throw away tonnes of food every day. 24% of
:21:47. > :21:52.grapes are wasted. Not in my house. If they are in the right bottle, I
:21:53. > :21:58.don't waste a drop. This comes from the story where Tesco's have thrown
:21:59. > :22:05.out 30,000 tonnes of waste food in the first six months of this year.
:22:06. > :22:11.It is a lot, but what were they supposed to do with the horse meat?
:22:12. > :22:17.I kind of blame celebrity chefs for this waste. I have been trying to
:22:18. > :22:28.learn to cook. You are reading these books and they say, had a spoonful
:22:29. > :22:36.of her wrists. What is that? I blame Jamie Oliver, because he was
:22:37. > :22:43.promoting food. How do we feel about Jamie Oliver? Have you ever tried to
:22:44. > :22:49.make a 15 minute meal? Yes. It is horrific. Me and my mother made one,
:22:50. > :22:55.and I thought we could get through this. Five minutes in and I called
:22:56. > :23:03.the woman who gave birth to me a tool. It is difficult. He makes
:23:04. > :23:10.everything look easy. So you think, I can do that. I will buy that stuff
:23:11. > :23:20.and do it. But a bit of salt and pepper on it. He is spitting on its
:23:21. > :23:30.because of his lisp. In America they have sell by dates, use by dates and
:23:31. > :23:39.enjoy by dates. Which is ridiculous. It is pointless. It takes you about
:23:40. > :23:45.an hour to eat it. That much all Bran and then you forget about it
:23:46. > :23:49.until you go to the toilet. You don't just gently decide to go to
:23:50. > :24:02.the toilet, your backside goes, " now! ". People ask you what it is
:24:03. > :24:20.like. It is one of those foods that you eat like this...
:24:21. > :24:31.It is soul destroying. There is lots of food you can eat after their use
:24:32. > :24:39.by date, one of them is chocolate. A Mars bar. I would eat one of a
:24:40. > :24:52.toilet floor. That is not a serving suggestion.
:24:53. > :25:14.It is a fun size! Snickers because it still has the nuts in! It is
:25:15. > :25:20.horrific. Eggs, milk, Tor Tiller chips you can eat after the sell by
:25:21. > :25:25.date. Which is great because that is what I give the kids when the wife
:25:26. > :25:31.is away. If you can smell it from arms length, don't eat it. You can
:25:32. > :25:36.also apply that to your clothes. If you can smell it from arm's-length,
:25:37. > :25:46.don't wear it. Also, sexual partners.
:25:47. > :25:52.There is a new chocolate restaurant in London. I want to go. Nobody
:25:53. > :25:58.really knows me and I like chocolate. I only take exercise so I
:25:59. > :26:02.can eat chocolate. You go to the gym and go to the rowing machine and it
:26:03. > :26:13.has that weird read-out about calories, distance and the Watts.
:26:14. > :26:25.Who cares about that. You don't want to know how far you have to row to
:26:26. > :26:28.light up a light bulb. Just time for the quickfire round. Various
:26:29. > :26:32.headlines from the news and I want you to be quicker than your
:26:33. > :26:41.electricity prices going up. Sharks jaw cancer. But it costs an
:26:42. > :26:57.arm and a leg. One in ten sausages has hepatitis. C.
:26:58. > :27:07.I am the boss. Tim McGarry does the worst Roos Springsteen... Not as
:27:08. > :27:18.easy as it looks. Anyone can beat us. Northern Ireland seed, wise up.
:27:19. > :27:27.Experts say you need seven a day. Snow-white explains sex tape. Prince
:27:28. > :27:34.Philip meets great-grandson. After checking here is not foreign. When
:27:35. > :27:45.do the clocks go back? Every time you go to Ballymena. McGuinness is
:27:46. > :27:56.2-faced. Which explains the reversible balaclava. Supermarkets
:27:57. > :28:04.admit throwing out tonnes of food. Load them on another dad. Finally, I
:28:05. > :28:13.have fallen for the artist who painted me news. Michael Stone's
:28:14. > :28:17.cell-mate reveals all. That is it, the end of the show.
:28:18. > :28:30.Please show your appreciation to our panel.
:28:31. > :28:36.CHEERING AND APPLAUSE. That is the last TV show in the
:28:37. > :28:39.current series but until you tune in next week, don't blame yourselves,
:28:40. > :28:45.blame each other. Goodbye.