2:00:00 > 2:00:00THE BLAME GAME NIG S080F/01 BRD000000
0:55:55 > 0:55:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:56:03 > 0:56:04Hello!
0:56:04 > 0:56:06Hello.
0:56:06 > 0:56:07Hello and welcome to The Blame Game,
0:56:07 > 0:56:11the show that's even funnier than two drunk women in Comber.
0:56:11 > 0:56:13LAUGHTER
0:56:13 > 0:56:16I'm Tim McGarry and our regular exhibitionists are, of course,
0:56:16 > 0:56:18Colin Murphy, Jake O'Kane
0:56:18 > 0:56:20and Neil Delamere!
0:56:20 > 0:56:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:56:24 > 0:56:26And our special guest tonight is a writer,
0:56:26 > 0:56:28film buff and a brilliant stand-up comedian.
0:56:28 > 0:56:31He is currently writing his own sitcom for Radio 4.
0:56:31 > 0:56:34Please welcome the fabulous Josh Howie!
0:56:34 > 0:56:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:56:40 > 0:56:42And what a week it's been, ladies and gentlemen.
0:56:42 > 0:56:45Thanks to George Osborne's Autumn Statement,
0:56:45 > 0:56:47Northern Ireland has 240 million quid
0:56:47 > 0:56:48it didn't expect to have.
0:56:48 > 0:56:51Yes, it's great news, as it means
0:56:51 > 0:56:54angry Protestants can hang around the caravan at Twaddell Avenue
0:56:54 > 0:56:55literally for ever.
0:56:55 > 0:56:57LAUGHTER
0:56:59 > 0:57:03Some people have accused Sinn Fein of economic illiteracy.
0:57:03 > 0:57:05Nonsense. Sinn Fein have mates
0:57:05 > 0:57:07who can take 26 million out of a bank
0:57:07 > 0:57:08with just a bin lorry.
0:57:08 > 0:57:09LAUGHTER
0:57:12 > 0:57:15And, of course, we had emotional scenes
0:57:15 > 0:57:18as DUP leader Peter Robinson bowed out.
0:57:18 > 0:57:19Some people were in tears.
0:57:19 > 0:57:23Now, whilst Peter got a very fond farewell from some of his colleagues,
0:57:23 > 0:57:26he said one colleague was actually glad to see him go
0:57:26 > 0:57:27and we have no idea
0:57:27 > 0:57:29who that Ian Paisley Jr is.
0:57:29 > 0:57:30LAUGHTER
0:57:31 > 0:57:35Now, even though Peter is retiring, he says he's not the type of person
0:57:35 > 0:57:37to sit at home with a blanket around his knees.
0:57:37 > 0:57:38Of course not.
0:57:38 > 0:57:39He'll use a flag.
0:57:39 > 0:57:41LAUGHTER
0:57:42 > 0:57:44Now, on with the show. The audience ask the questions,
0:57:44 > 0:57:46and our panel will provide some very unreliable answers.
0:57:46 > 0:57:48So what's our first question tonight?
0:57:48 > 0:57:50Who do you blame for Jake O'Kane's silly attire?
0:57:50 > 0:57:51LAUGHTER
0:57:53 > 0:57:55- ALL:- Ooh!
0:57:56 > 0:57:58Harold!
0:57:58 > 0:58:00LAUGHTER We feel your pain.
0:58:00 > 0:58:03HE HUMS STEPTOE AND SON THEME TUNE
0:58:03 > 0:58:05APPLAUSE
0:58:09 > 0:58:10You dirty old man!
0:58:10 > 0:58:13You look like Harold, or you look like some fella who'd run in
0:58:13 > 0:58:14from the middle of Kerry, going,
0:58:14 > 0:58:17- STRONG IRISH ACCENT: - "There's fairies in the top field!"
0:58:17 > 0:58:18LAUGHTER
0:58:18 > 0:58:19"I warned you about this.
0:58:19 > 0:58:22"I said that if you burn down the special fairy bus,
0:58:22 > 0:58:24"they will come down and they will drag us down from the mountains
0:58:24 > 0:58:27"and the women would have beards..."
0:58:27 > 0:58:29"Run away!"
0:58:29 > 0:58:30LAUGHTER
0:58:31 > 0:58:32You have to reach an age
0:58:32 > 0:58:34- to pull this look off. - AUDIENCE:- 'Ey!
0:58:34 > 0:58:36- And in ten years... - Thank you. Thank you!
0:58:36 > 0:58:37- LAUGHTER - Thank you!
0:58:37 > 0:58:39In ten years, you'll be there.
0:58:39 > 0:58:41Glad to know we have visually empowered people in tonight.
0:58:41 > 0:58:42LAUGHTER
0:58:42 > 0:58:44Right, what's our first question tonight?
0:58:44 > 0:58:48Who do you blame for old men becoming dads?
0:58:48 > 0:58:50Yes, DUP councillor Tommy Jeffers
0:58:50 > 0:58:53is to become a father at the age of 73.
0:58:53 > 0:58:55Yes, it looks like Ulster
0:58:55 > 0:58:57doesn't always say no.
0:58:57 > 0:58:58LAUGHTER
0:59:01 > 0:59:04And a survey said that couples who had sex once a week,
0:59:04 > 0:59:06are the happiest.
0:59:06 > 0:59:09If you have too much sex, apparently, you can get bored with your partner.
0:59:09 > 0:59:13Which is why my wife finds me absolutely riveting.
0:59:13 > 0:59:15LAUGHTER
0:59:15 > 0:59:19But who can we blame for old men becoming dads?
0:59:19 > 0:59:20Your wife's bored of me, though.
0:59:20 > 0:59:22LAUGHTER
0:59:22 > 0:59:24- ALL:- Ooh!
0:59:24 > 0:59:25LAUGHTER
0:59:27 > 0:59:29It's a good news story, as far as I'm concerned.
0:59:29 > 0:59:32It's nice to see a DUP councillor who doesn't pull out.
0:59:32 > 0:59:34- LAUGHTER - And, er, it's...
0:59:34 > 0:59:36- LAUGHTER - ..it's...
0:59:36 > 0:59:37APPLAUSE
0:59:41 > 0:59:4373!
0:59:43 > 0:59:46The important thing to remember here is his wife is not 73.
0:59:46 > 0:59:48She's 45, which is still quite old.
0:59:48 > 0:59:50And for...
0:59:50 > 0:59:52- LAUGHTER ALL:- Ooh!
0:59:52 > 0:59:53Typical! Typical here!
0:59:53 > 0:59:55Don't let him finish the sentence. Let's just jump in.
0:59:55 > 0:59:56LAUGHTER
0:59:56 > 1:00:00..which is quite old to be having a child, in this day and age.
1:00:00 > 1:00:03It is. It's sort of... 40s, it's risky.
1:00:03 > 1:00:04I wish them well, I do.
1:00:04 > 1:00:06It's a tricky thing, you know?
1:00:06 > 1:00:0973. He could be 74 by the time that child is born.
1:00:09 > 1:00:12By the time that child is leaving home,
1:00:12 > 1:00:13he'll be going into one.
1:00:13 > 1:00:15- LAUGHTER - Er...
1:00:15 > 1:00:16if there are any still open.
1:00:16 > 1:00:17- LAUGHTER - And erm...
1:00:17 > 1:00:19Er...
1:00:19 > 1:00:21It's... Sex at 73.
1:00:21 > 1:00:24That's got to be... Wow. That's not...
1:00:24 > 1:00:25- LAUGHTER - Phew.
1:00:25 > 1:00:28There's nothing wrong with people having a sex drive at 73, you know?
1:00:28 > 1:00:30But, yeah, she's way younger than him.
1:00:30 > 1:00:33She's 45, 46. Wow, that's...
1:00:33 > 1:00:35You don't want to be in bed with someone going,
1:00:35 > 1:00:36- SHOUTING:- "I said that's lovely!"
1:00:36 > 1:00:38LAUGHTER
1:00:39 > 1:00:41You're doing very well!
1:00:41 > 1:00:42LAUGHTER
1:00:44 > 1:00:46Your programmes will be on a minute.
1:00:46 > 1:00:48LAUGHTER
1:00:48 > 1:00:51It does change it, doesn't it? "Who's your daddy?
1:00:51 > 1:00:52"I might know him."
1:00:52 > 1:00:54LAUGHTER
1:00:54 > 1:00:57And it's perfect for him, though, because he's 73 now, we think,
1:00:57 > 1:00:59- so maybe when the baby is born, he's going to be 74.- Yeah.
1:00:59 > 1:01:02If you're DUP, that works out perfectly...
1:01:02 > 1:01:03- Why?- ..with the son's age,
1:01:03 > 1:01:04because when the son is 16, you're 90.
1:01:04 > 1:01:06LAUGHTER
1:01:06 > 1:01:08APPLAUSE
1:01:09 > 1:01:11True.
1:01:11 > 1:01:12Very true.
1:01:14 > 1:01:1673 is amazing. I'm actually...
1:01:16 > 1:01:19I'm having a kid pretty soon.
1:01:19 > 1:01:20Not today.
1:01:20 > 1:01:23And, just a bit of advice for Tommy,
1:01:23 > 1:01:26for people who've had kids before, they will know having children,
1:01:26 > 1:01:28it's a lot harder on men...
1:01:28 > 1:01:31- LAUGHTER - And, erm...
1:01:31 > 1:01:34You know, and I'm not saying it's easy for women,
1:01:34 > 1:01:36the pregnancy is tough for ladies and...
1:01:36 > 1:01:38cos you have to give up a lot of things during the pregnancy -
1:01:38 > 1:01:39alcohol and soft cheese
1:01:39 > 1:01:41and reason...
1:01:41 > 1:01:43- LAUGHTER - And...
1:01:43 > 1:01:45you know, and then you've got the pain
1:01:45 > 1:01:47and my wife is terrified of the pain.
1:01:47 > 1:01:50And, in the end, she had to have an epidural
1:01:50 > 1:01:52during the conception.
1:01:52 > 1:01:54LAUGHTER
1:01:54 > 1:01:56You know, I don't want to blow my own trumpet,
1:01:56 > 1:01:57but I could.
1:01:57 > 1:01:58LAUGHTER
1:02:01 > 1:02:04But, yeah, I think the thing that's hardest for the pregnancy,
1:02:04 > 1:02:07for a guy, is that, for the nine months, as a guy,
1:02:07 > 1:02:08you better not say anything.
1:02:08 > 1:02:10Like, you've got to keep your mouth shut,
1:02:10 > 1:02:13because you can't contaminate the beautiful, innocent foetus,
1:02:13 > 1:02:14with your evil...
1:02:14 > 1:02:16- LAUGHTER - Her words.
1:02:16 > 1:02:18LAUGHTER
1:02:18 > 1:02:19Normally, we argue.
1:02:19 > 1:02:21My wife thinks I'm a bit of a control freak,
1:02:21 > 1:02:23I read in her diary.
1:02:23 > 1:02:25- LAUGHTER - And...
1:02:26 > 1:02:31Do you think, if Viagra was involved in this situation,
1:02:31 > 1:02:32erm...
1:02:32 > 1:02:34Let's ask him. Tommy?
1:02:34 > 1:02:36Well, if, if... To...
1:02:36 > 1:02:39- Ah, doesn't matter actually, just... - LAUGHTER
1:02:39 > 1:02:41It's just this image of the Viagra being taken,
1:02:41 > 1:02:43in order for the flagpole to be erected.
1:02:43 > 1:02:44If you were from the DUP,
1:02:44 > 1:02:47would you insist on the flagpole being there all the time,
1:02:47 > 1:02:49- or mainly only on designated days? - LAUGHTER
1:02:49 > 1:02:51APPLAUSE
1:02:55 > 1:02:59There's a story of a little baby that was found in New York.
1:02:59 > 1:03:02- Oh, yeah. In a crib!- A baby in the crib and it was found in the manger.
1:03:02 > 1:03:06They just were putting the crib up and, er...
1:03:06 > 1:03:09lunchtime, just this little baby appeared in the crib and,
1:03:09 > 1:03:12apparently, the cleaner went running into the priest and the priest was
1:03:12 > 1:03:15having his lunch, the cleaner went running in and went,
1:03:15 > 1:03:17"Quick, quick! Baby in the crib! Baby in the crib!"
1:03:17 > 1:03:19He came running out and he went, "Whoa, I wonder who owns this?"
1:03:19 > 1:03:22- At no point did they think... - MIMICS ANGELIC MUSIC
1:03:22 > 1:03:23LAUGHTER
1:03:24 > 1:03:27These are supposed to be religious people. They didn't immediately
1:03:27 > 1:03:30think about it like that. They didn't. They immediately thought,
1:03:30 > 1:03:32"Oh, there's something wrong here." And, you know... It's quite...
1:03:32 > 1:03:34It's good that the crib hadn't...
1:03:34 > 1:03:37They were just putting it up. It hadn't been there for a while,
1:03:37 > 1:03:40cos that baby could have been there for a long time, with people going,
1:03:40 > 1:03:42"It's very... Very lifelike this year, isn't it?"
1:03:42 > 1:03:43LAUGHTER
1:03:43 > 1:03:46"It moves around and everything. It's very good, very good.
1:03:46 > 1:03:47"Anyway, let's go get some chips."
1:03:47 > 1:03:48- LAUGHTER - And just, you know...
1:03:48 > 1:03:51I hope this doesn't take off and somebody just goes,
1:03:51 > 1:03:52"I really need to get rid of a donkey."
1:03:52 > 1:03:54LAUGHTER
1:03:54 > 1:03:58Well, all I'm thinking is there could be some
1:03:58 > 1:04:00OAPs in their mangers that would be better cared for than
1:04:00 > 1:04:03in these nursing homes that just seem to close down and say,
1:04:03 > 1:04:05"You know what? You have to get out by February."
1:04:05 > 1:04:07And just clear them out. That's what happens in these things.
1:04:07 > 1:04:09- You maybe didn't notice. - I didn't. I missed this.
1:04:09 > 1:04:11They got these letters two days ago, I think.
1:04:11 > 1:04:14Four Seasons Nursing Homes are closing seven homes, I think?
1:04:14 > 1:04:16Yeah, Four Seasons. It sounds like a fancy place, doesn't it?
1:04:16 > 1:04:19"Where are you staying?" "I'm staying in the Four Seasons."
1:04:19 > 1:04:20LAUGHTER
1:04:20 > 1:04:22- I think four seasons is quite optimistic.- It is.
1:04:22 > 1:04:24- I think they're going to see two. - LAUGHTER
1:04:25 > 1:04:28- Yeah.- See the survey about sex once a week?
1:04:28 > 1:04:31You just know they asked the female first.
1:04:31 > 1:04:33You just know that that thing has been put out.
1:04:33 > 1:04:35"So, sex once a week, are you happy?
1:04:35 > 1:04:38- IN WOMAN'S VOICE:- "Yes, we're absolutely... Yes, wond...
1:04:38 > 1:04:39"Aren't we, aren't we? Happy? Yes."
1:04:39 > 1:04:41LAUGHTER
1:04:41 > 1:04:43"Once a week's better than once a year, isn't it?
1:04:43 > 1:04:44- "Isn't it, Sean?" - LAUGHTER
1:04:44 > 1:04:47- SLOW MALE VOICE:- "Once a week's lovely. I love it once a week."
1:04:47 > 1:04:48LAUGHTER
1:04:48 > 1:04:51That survey also says that most people have sex at least once a week,
1:04:51 > 1:04:54but some people were too busy to have sex even once a week.
1:04:54 > 1:04:57You think, surely you can find two-and-a-half minutes?
1:04:57 > 1:04:58LAUGHTER
1:05:00 > 1:05:01Your wife's sitting at home going,
1:05:01 > 1:05:04- IN WOMAN'S VOICE:- "That's not funny. That's not funny!"
1:05:04 > 1:05:05- LAUGHTER - "That's not amusing.
1:05:05 > 1:05:08"That's too close to the truth, Tim! That's not amusing."
1:05:08 > 1:05:10It really doesn't matter how busy you are.
1:05:10 > 1:05:13Even if you were, for instance, if your husband's running a country,
1:05:13 > 1:05:17and you could, you know, you could find some time to, you know...
1:05:17 > 1:05:19- Maybe go to a cafe, like? - Maybe go to a cafe.- Yeah.
1:05:19 > 1:05:21- Yeah, and hang around and... - LAUGHTER
1:05:21 > 1:05:22..you know, meet somebody.
1:05:22 > 1:05:25Put it in the diary. You put it in the diary. When you have kids,
1:05:25 > 1:05:26you put it in the diary.
1:05:26 > 1:05:28"It's half two on a Friday afternoon.
1:05:28 > 1:05:29"Come 'ere, you. Come 'ere!"
1:05:29 > 1:05:30LAUGHTER
1:05:32 > 1:05:34"Put the dinner down. Come on, love."
1:05:34 > 1:05:35LAUGHTER
1:05:36 > 1:05:39Sorry, two things in this conversation. One...
1:05:39 > 1:05:40LAUGHTER
1:05:40 > 1:05:42One is this...
1:05:42 > 1:05:43"Come 'ere, you. Come 'ere."
1:05:43 > 1:05:44And the second thing is...
1:05:44 > 1:05:46What are you doing having your dinner at half two
1:05:46 > 1:05:49- on a Friday afternoon? - LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
1:05:49 > 1:05:51You really are going to a nursing home.
1:05:51 > 1:05:52- No!- You're that far away.
1:05:52 > 1:05:53He doesn't get the dinner at half two.
1:05:53 > 1:05:55She serves it at one o'clock
1:05:55 > 1:05:57and she cuts it up for him between one and half two.
1:05:57 > 1:05:58LAUGHTER
1:06:00 > 1:06:03Cos he has to get back on the rag-and-bone run, that's why.
1:06:04 > 1:06:06Here comes the plane...!
1:06:06 > 1:06:07Dinner won't buy itself!
1:06:11 > 1:06:14There was a woman bought some bananas in Iceland -
1:06:14 > 1:06:16I didn't know you can buy bananas in Iceland, but...
1:06:16 > 1:06:19You can, it's a big shop, big shop, North Belfast. You go in - Iceland.
1:06:19 > 1:06:22- Iceland.- Not in Iceland, in the supermarket, Iceland.
1:06:22 > 1:06:25- ICELAND. - I bet you 50p it's not Iceland.
1:06:25 > 1:06:27- It's in Iceland. - Who's an auld lad now? "ICELAND"...
1:06:27 > 1:06:31I have to say it to him so as he'd understand. This was in Iceland.
1:06:31 > 1:06:33- The shop or the country? - No, the shop.
1:06:33 > 1:06:35- That's what I said! - Oh, for the love of...
1:06:36 > 1:06:39- He said that!- Didn't I say that? - He said that.
1:06:39 > 1:06:41He's trying to confuse me so I end up...
1:06:41 > 1:06:43This might be an alien concept to you
1:06:43 > 1:06:46but this is fresh fruit and vegetables.
1:06:46 > 1:06:48Can you buy those in Iceland?
1:06:48 > 1:06:51You can't freeze a...'ucking banana
1:06:51 > 1:06:53without it going brown, right?
1:06:53 > 1:06:57This woman apparently bought some bananas in Iceland -
1:06:57 > 1:06:58the supermarket -
1:06:58 > 1:07:02and she brought them home and there were a load of spiders in the box.
1:07:02 > 1:07:05- Spider eggs. - They came running out and they hatch
1:07:05 > 1:07:07and apparently these spiders bite you, right?
1:07:07 > 1:07:09And not only is it a wee bit sore - it also, if you're a man,
1:07:09 > 1:07:12gives you an erection for four hours.
1:07:12 > 1:07:18And it said in the paper that she fears the house is infested
1:07:18 > 1:07:21with men with erections or with spiders.
1:07:21 > 1:07:22That's the last thing you want to hear -
1:07:22 > 1:07:26there could be guys thinking, you know, "Viagra, it's expensive",
1:07:26 > 1:07:28and you know...get a wee spider.
1:07:28 > 1:07:31You don't want to hear that, in the dark, of a bedroom - you don't want to hear...
1:07:31 > 1:07:36# Incy wincy spider Climbing up the spout
1:07:36 > 1:07:37# Down came the rain... #
1:07:37 > 1:07:40You guys can't actually see behind the table, but...
1:07:40 > 1:07:41Very method.
1:07:41 > 1:07:43But they're fatal. They can also kill you.
1:07:43 > 1:07:46They give you a four-hour erection and possibly kill you.
1:07:46 > 1:07:49So you die and they can't close the coffin.
1:07:51 > 1:07:53Thank you, thank you very much for that.
1:07:53 > 1:07:55So, what's our next question tonight?
1:07:55 > 1:07:59"Who do you blame for Christmas being too commercial?"
1:07:59 > 1:08:03Yes, it's Black Friday, when people spend money they don't have
1:08:03 > 1:08:05buying presents for people they don't like.
1:08:05 > 1:08:08Commercialism has got completely out of hand.
1:08:08 > 1:08:10In my day, we were happy with what we got -
1:08:10 > 1:08:12a tangerine, a wooden hoop
1:08:12 > 1:08:13and rickets.
1:08:21 > 1:08:24It's funny cos it's true.
1:08:24 > 1:08:27And after a visit to Belfast, Amanda Peet wrote a book
1:08:27 > 1:08:30on what it's like to be Jewish at Christmas.
1:08:30 > 1:08:31Of course, it's not true to say
1:08:31 > 1:08:33that Jewish people don't get presents at Christmas.
1:08:33 > 1:08:35I mean, I know one Jewish kid,
1:08:35 > 1:08:40and he got gold, frankincense and myrrh.
1:08:40 > 1:08:43But who can we blame for Christmas being too commercial?
1:08:43 > 1:08:46Well, it's very fitting, isn't it? Black Friday.
1:08:46 > 1:08:51It's been imported from America and it's...it's huge and, um...
1:08:51 > 1:08:53People, like, get... I don't know if people
1:08:53 > 1:08:55are going to be watching this show, to be honest.
1:08:55 > 1:08:59They'll probably be getting in fist-fights to save £10 on a hoover or something -
1:08:59 > 1:09:00which I did get.
1:09:00 > 1:09:04And I hope my eldest son is very happy with it, but...
1:09:04 > 1:09:06We have Hanukkah, which is...
1:09:06 > 1:09:10So, there's a lot more presents for Jews -
1:09:10 > 1:09:13and I talk about being Jewish, I like to talk about it
1:09:13 > 1:09:16cos I like to use my comedy to break down negative Jewish stereotypes,
1:09:16 > 1:09:18cos I hear there's a lot of money in that.
1:09:22 > 1:09:24LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
1:09:25 > 1:09:30So there's eight days of Hanukkah, so that's a lot of presents there.
1:09:30 > 1:09:31And also, I've got kids,
1:09:31 > 1:09:34I'm a very proud father of two.
1:09:34 > 1:09:35And the other one.
1:09:37 > 1:09:40The eldest is six and I'm warming to him.
1:09:44 > 1:09:46I'm worried that I project too much onto my kids,
1:09:46 > 1:09:49especially the gay two-year-old.
1:09:52 > 1:09:56And... And then I've got a third little, sort of...
1:09:56 > 1:10:00He's a toddler now and I feel guilty with the third,
1:10:00 > 1:10:01because I've run out of love.
1:10:03 > 1:10:05The first comes along, they get the best of you
1:10:05 > 1:10:07and the second gets what's left.
1:10:07 > 1:10:10But the third, I'm on fumes, and I feel bad about it.
1:10:10 > 1:10:13He seems like a nice guy and I feel guilty
1:10:13 > 1:10:16because it's three boys, it's all hand-me-downs,
1:10:16 > 1:10:18he's walking around, he's like a little baby hobo.
1:10:18 > 1:10:21Every time I see him, I want to chuck him a couple of quid
1:10:21 > 1:10:25and, you know..."Sort your life out, mate. Kick the bottle."
1:10:27 > 1:10:28And just, I feel...
1:10:28 > 1:10:30Because what I've done is, with all the presents -
1:10:30 > 1:10:33I've bought all the presents now - is you tend to buy for the eldest,
1:10:33 > 1:10:36thinking, "I'll buy the expensive stuff for the eldest
1:10:36 > 1:10:38"and the younger ones get to use it",
1:10:38 > 1:10:41but of course, that never happens, cos it always gets destroyed
1:10:41 > 1:10:42and I feel bad about it.
1:10:42 > 1:10:44We bought this copy - this isn't expensive -
1:10:44 > 1:10:47but I bought this copy of Where's Spot?
1:10:48 > 1:10:50Well, the eldest ripped out the last page, and it's like,
1:10:50 > 1:10:52"What, I have to go and buy it again?
1:10:52 > 1:10:56"No, no, I'm not... I'm going to adapt it."
1:10:56 > 1:10:59So now, when I read it to the younger two, I've changed it
1:10:59 > 1:11:01so it's become a story about the dangers of hiding.
1:11:05 > 1:11:08So it's like, "Daddy, where's Spot?"
1:11:08 > 1:11:09"That's what happens."
1:11:12 > 1:11:16What about the whole furore as well about the prayer thing?
1:11:16 > 1:11:18- The Lord's Prayer.- Yes.
1:11:18 > 1:11:20Or Our Father, to give it its correct name.
1:11:20 > 1:11:22Oh, controversial!
1:11:22 > 1:11:25Yeah, they want to show this thing in the cinema,
1:11:25 > 1:11:28which basically seems to be the Protestant Angelus.
1:11:28 > 1:11:33It's...various people saying a line of the Lord's Prayer.
1:11:33 > 1:11:35We just call it the prayer.
1:11:35 > 1:11:37What I love is the evangelicals here,
1:11:37 > 1:11:40the evangelicals came on and said, "I don't know,
1:11:40 > 1:11:43"I do not understand why anyone would be offended
1:11:43 > 1:11:44"by the Lord's Prayer".
1:11:44 > 1:11:46And you're sitting going,
1:11:46 > 1:11:49"Yeah, cos religion's never caused any problems in Northern Ireland"(!)
1:11:49 > 1:11:51Because there's two -
1:11:51 > 1:11:54the first offence isn't going to be Muslims or Jews or Hindus,
1:11:54 > 1:11:58it's going to be the ones sitting watching that, going, "Hold on, here - Seamus?
1:11:58 > 1:12:01"That's the Protestant Our Father."
1:12:01 > 1:12:05"That's that Protestant Our Father." Because the two different...
1:12:05 > 1:12:09Yeah, that's because the Protestants have, like, the good bit at the end.
1:12:09 > 1:12:11They love that. The Catholics stop...
1:12:11 > 1:12:13The Catholics stop with "evil",
1:12:13 > 1:12:16and there's nothing as funny as being at Mass
1:12:16 > 1:12:18and there's a Protestant there.
1:12:19 > 1:12:21And they forget themselves - we all stop, "..evil."
1:12:21 > 1:12:25And they're... "For thine is the kingdom, the power..."
1:12:28 > 1:12:31"I'll get my coat, I'll get my coat."
1:12:31 > 1:12:34I think they're right, though. I think they're right about this.
1:12:34 > 1:12:36See, if you show this Church of Ireland ad,
1:12:36 > 1:12:38if it's successful, what's going to happen?
1:12:38 > 1:12:41You'll get the Catholic Church, they'll go, "We need ads. That's what we need."
1:12:41 > 1:12:44Then we'll get some sort of PR guy going "Got a campaign for you.
1:12:44 > 1:12:49"Your Holiness, I've figured it out. We're going to have all the big messages of the Catholic Church.
1:12:49 > 1:12:50"So you have to save yourself
1:12:50 > 1:12:53"to have sex with somebody when you get married, right?
1:12:53 > 1:12:55"So we're going to have a guy in an STD clinic, OK?
1:12:55 > 1:12:58"STD clinic, he's going to get his results - 'chlamydia'.
1:12:58 > 1:13:00"Then we have the line - 'Should have gone to Sex Savers.'
1:13:00 > 1:13:01"Right?"
1:13:03 > 1:13:04"Brilliant..."
1:13:07 > 1:13:10Every faith would have to get a wee turn. That's...
1:13:10 > 1:13:12See, that'll be the start of it.
1:13:12 > 1:13:14Baptists singing, Hindus with the bells...
1:13:14 > 1:13:16- Scientologists... - Evangelicals clapping.
1:13:16 > 1:13:17Free Ps shouting.
1:13:17 > 1:13:19Quakers sitting in silence.
1:13:19 > 1:13:20You'd be there for hours.
1:13:20 > 1:13:23Jedi is now a religion as well, but they'd have to have one.
1:13:23 > 1:13:25They would have one before Star Wars.
1:13:25 > 1:13:29- No, they wouldn't - they'd have one before Mass.- Oh.- Oh...
1:13:29 > 1:13:31Maybe that's the deal you should do -
1:13:31 > 1:13:33if you allow a religious ad in a cinema,
1:13:33 > 1:13:36the cinemas get to do trailers before Mass.
1:13:36 > 1:13:39That...that would be brilliant!
1:13:39 > 1:13:41Now you're cooking.
1:13:43 > 1:13:48"From the producers that brought you Noah..."
1:13:48 > 1:13:49That'd be brilliant.
1:13:49 > 1:13:52You could change thuribles - you know, the smoke and everything?
1:13:52 > 1:13:54You can make the lightsaber noise, go...
1:13:54 > 1:13:57HE IMITATES LIGHTSABER
1:14:00 > 1:14:02- Did you not do that when you were an altar boy?- I did.
1:14:02 > 1:14:04I used to gas them out every...
1:14:04 > 1:14:07"Nnng-nnng-nnng...!"
1:14:07 > 1:14:10I'm pretty sure that's not the way you were supposed to do it.
1:14:10 > 1:14:12What would the clergy do?
1:14:12 > 1:14:16"God, that altar boy is the campest little alter boy..."
1:14:16 > 1:14:18Come on, you know this hymn -
1:14:18 > 1:14:19# Young man... #
1:14:22 > 1:14:23See Thought For The Day?
1:14:23 > 1:14:26I'm sick to the back teeth listening to this on...
1:14:26 > 1:14:28Every radio station in the world does a Thought For The Day.
1:14:28 > 1:14:31"And now over to some idiot who speaks on a Sunday
1:14:31 > 1:14:34"but has no idea who bad he sounds until he's on the radio."
1:14:34 > 1:14:37And then it's some... "I was thinking the other day..."
1:14:37 > 1:14:40And it's all metaphors and similes and allegories.
1:14:40 > 1:14:43"I was buying an ice cream cone in the park the other day
1:14:43 > 1:14:48"and I ordered from the man in the ice cream van what I wanted -
1:14:48 > 1:14:52"as we all do, want things in life and ask for it -
1:14:52 > 1:14:54"and I received a 99.
1:14:54 > 1:14:56"It was a rather beautiful thing and initially,
1:14:56 > 1:15:00"I was immensely happy with a 99, because I received what I'd wanted.
1:15:00 > 1:15:03"But then, slowly, with the weather being so beautiful as it is today,
1:15:03 > 1:15:07"the ice cream started to melt down my hand,
1:15:07 > 1:15:09"and I thought, 'This isn't as good any more,
1:15:09 > 1:15:11" 'the thing that I wished for all my life
1:15:11 > 1:15:13" 'is now starting to disappear up my sleeve.'
1:15:13 > 1:15:15"And that...
1:15:15 > 1:15:20"And as the hundreds and thousands melted into my fingers, I thought,
1:15:20 > 1:15:23" 'Life's a bit shit, isn't it?' "
1:15:23 > 1:15:25Every day!
1:15:25 > 1:15:27- Just a different... - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
1:15:30 > 1:15:32Thank you, thank you, thank you very much for that.
1:15:32 > 1:15:34Anyway, onto our next question tonight.
1:15:34 > 1:15:38"Who do you blame for Derry going ballistic?"
1:15:38 > 1:15:42Yes, Jeffery Donaldson has offered to relocate Trident nuclear submarines
1:15:42 > 1:15:45in Northern Ireland - which is ironic,
1:15:45 > 1:15:47because many people in Northern Ireland would like to see
1:15:47 > 1:15:51Jeffery Donaldson relocated into a Trident nuclear submarine.
1:15:53 > 1:15:56But who can we blame for Derry going ballistic?
1:15:56 > 1:16:01I love ballistic, it's a great word. You don't get that anywhere else. You wouldn't get it in London.
1:16:01 > 1:16:04"Ballistic, going ballistic, so he is. Going ballistic."
1:16:04 > 1:16:07The Assembly - "Don't go in, the First Minister's going ballistic.
1:16:07 > 1:16:10"McGuiness wants the God Save The Queen in Irish.
1:16:10 > 1:16:12"She's going ballistic - ballistic!"
1:16:12 > 1:16:14But it's actually ballistic, they are going ballistic,
1:16:14 > 1:16:16cos Jeffery Donaldson - what happened was
1:16:16 > 1:16:20the Scots have the Trident and they're going, "Get away to f..."
1:16:20 > 1:16:22Right? And Jeffrey, he's like a schoolboy,
1:16:22 > 1:16:26he's like one of them, "Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir!
1:16:26 > 1:16:27"We'll take it, Sir!
1:16:27 > 1:16:29"Sir, we'll take it! We'll take it, Sir!"
1:16:29 > 1:16:30But the bit I love...
1:16:30 > 1:16:33"Unfortunately, we can't take it in my constituency,
1:16:33 > 1:16:35"cos my constituency is landlocked.
1:16:35 > 1:16:37"I'm so sad about that.
1:16:37 > 1:16:40"But Londonderry would be happy to take it, Sir!"
1:16:40 > 1:16:43And Derry wants to go, "Hey, wha? Hey, hey, wha?"
1:16:43 > 1:16:47Seriously? We want Trident missiles in Derry?
1:16:47 > 1:16:51No offence to Derry or Londonderry - both places are lovely.
1:16:51 > 1:16:52But...
1:16:52 > 1:16:54LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
1:16:54 > 1:16:58They're lovely but come on - they're very temperamental.
1:16:58 > 1:17:01Can you imagine the wee guy, hand on the button, somebody from Derry?
1:17:01 > 1:17:02Even the letters coming in -
1:17:02 > 1:17:06"Here, Mr Doherty, they put Londonderry on this again!"
1:17:06 > 1:17:09HE EXCLAIMS IN PANIC
1:17:09 > 1:17:11"Mr Doherty, Mr Doherty!
1:17:11 > 1:17:14"Phone Mr Doherty, I've hit the button, Mr Doherty!"
1:17:14 > 1:17:16And nothing happens in Derry over lunchtime.
1:17:16 > 1:17:19"Will you wise up, heh? I'm having my lunch here, heh?"
1:17:19 > 1:17:23"Will you wise up? Stop going ballistic, heh, will you?
1:17:23 > 1:17:24"Let me finish."
1:17:24 > 1:17:25"But Mr Doherty, I've hit the button!"
1:17:25 > 1:17:30"It's not the end of the world, heh? Will you settle down? Settle down."
1:17:30 > 1:17:34Oh, br... They say that nothing...
1:17:34 > 1:17:39The only that'll survive if it does happen - cos Putin's about to...
1:17:39 > 1:17:42He's out there shooting down planes and we're taking bombs in.
1:17:42 > 1:17:4540 years to get rid of bombs in Northern Ireland
1:17:45 > 1:17:46and now Jeffrey Donaldson's going,
1:17:46 > 1:17:48"Come on in with that big one. Come on."
1:17:49 > 1:17:51It'll end up burned out in the Brandywell.
1:17:51 > 1:17:54You see if there's a Trident submarine...
1:17:56 > 1:17:58Seriously, it'll be in the middle of a housing estate
1:17:58 > 1:18:01and no-one will know how it got there.
1:18:01 > 1:18:03It's a bit weird, though. Cos there...
1:18:03 > 1:18:04You know this whole thing works,
1:18:04 > 1:18:06despite your - "eh!" - one button,
1:18:06 > 1:18:08I'm pretty sure that's not how it works, right?
1:18:08 > 1:18:10There's four submarines, right?
1:18:10 > 1:18:14One submarine is constantly moving, in case Britain gets attacked
1:18:14 > 1:18:18and it can retaliate and there's a letter in each submarine
1:18:18 > 1:18:21- from the Prime Minister to tell them what to do in that situation.- Oh.
1:18:21 > 1:18:25He controls the entire UK's nuclear arsenal.
1:18:25 > 1:18:27That doesn't happen to the Taoiseach.
1:18:27 > 1:18:29He gets told where the nice biscuits are kept.
1:18:29 > 1:18:31That's what he gets told.
1:18:31 > 1:18:34- Yous don't even have a navy. - We do have a navy.
1:18:34 > 1:18:36He's called Derek and he's a very good rower.
1:18:39 > 1:18:44- Why bother? I don't understand... - We do have a navy.
1:18:44 > 1:18:47We rescued a load of migrants from the Mediterranean
1:18:47 > 1:18:48and they're absolutely brilliant.
1:18:48 > 1:18:52However, the point must be made that you do have the HMS Invincible and the HMS Victory
1:18:52 > 1:18:54and we've got the LE Niamh.
1:18:54 > 1:18:57And... "Quick! Roisin to the rescue!"
1:18:57 > 1:18:59If you'll pardon the expression...
1:19:02 > 1:19:04..I've been on Roisin and...
1:19:08 > 1:19:11We were doing a little tour of the ship and...your fella
1:19:11 > 1:19:15recognised us off this and he's from up here,
1:19:15 > 1:19:17he's the captain of the ship and he says,
1:19:17 > 1:19:20"Look, we're closing up the official tour,
1:19:20 > 1:19:21"we'll...bring you round properly."
1:19:21 > 1:19:24So he showed us all the bits that weren't open to the public,
1:19:24 > 1:19:27we went in and... the gun was there and it's...
1:19:27 > 1:19:29The Irish Navy, there's THE Gun.
1:19:29 > 1:19:33And a sort of chair thing that moves round like this - "rrr!"
1:19:33 > 1:19:35And you do the whole, "Da-da-da! Da-da-da-da-da!"
1:19:35 > 1:19:38An he says, "Does the young fella want to go on the gun?"
1:19:38 > 1:19:40That's what he said!
1:19:40 > 1:19:41And the young fella was there.
1:19:41 > 1:19:45He's 11 or something and he was in before the answer came.
1:19:45 > 1:19:46"Rrr-rrr-rrr-rrr!"
1:19:46 > 1:19:50Moving this gun around, and people are on the quayside,
1:19:50 > 1:19:52and there's a gun moving around like this...
1:19:53 > 1:19:56And he leaned in, and I swear to God, he says,
1:19:56 > 1:19:59"Just don't press that button, right?"
1:20:03 > 1:20:05Thank you, thank you very much for that.
1:20:05 > 1:20:07Now, if you would like to ask the panel a question,
1:20:07 > 1:20:11just e-mail us at blame.game@bbc.co.uk.
1:20:11 > 1:20:13So, what is our next question tonight?
1:20:13 > 1:20:17"Who do you blame for eating and drinking too much?"
1:20:17 > 1:20:21Yes, this week, a video appeared online of two drunk women
1:20:21 > 1:20:26stripping and cavorting outside a pub in Comber - disgusting.
1:20:26 > 1:20:28On the plus side, at least we know now
1:20:28 > 1:20:31where this year's Blame Game Christmas party is going to be.
1:20:33 > 1:20:37But who can we blame for eating and drinking too much?
1:20:37 > 1:20:40The Comber video is brilliant!
1:20:40 > 1:20:42If you haven't seen it, it's a woman running around
1:20:42 > 1:20:45with no trousers on, going, "I love the fresh air!
1:20:45 > 1:20:48"I love the fresh air! I love the fresh air!"
1:20:48 > 1:20:52Judging by your legs, you don't love the fresh air.
1:20:52 > 1:20:55Cos she is the palest woman in the history...
1:20:55 > 1:20:59There's polar bears going, "Jesus, that's unbelievable."
1:20:59 > 1:21:00Like, I wouldn't...
1:21:00 > 1:21:03I think she is mad to have done that, but fair play to her.
1:21:03 > 1:21:05They are seriously pale legs.
1:21:05 > 1:21:06Game Of Thrones is filmed in here -
1:21:06 > 1:21:10I would assume she was a White Walker, if I was a tourist.
1:21:10 > 1:21:12At one point, she has these pink knickers on
1:21:12 > 1:21:13and she just moons the camera.
1:21:13 > 1:21:17And the bit I saw, either it was pixelated,
1:21:17 > 1:21:20or she has the dimpliest hoop I've ever seen.
1:21:26 > 1:21:29I'm writing that down - "dimpliest hoop".
1:21:29 > 1:21:32The other thing that really annoys me is that food stat.
1:21:32 > 1:21:34One in five young adults think fish fingers
1:21:34 > 1:21:40are made from the fingers of fish, which begs one question to me -
1:21:40 > 1:21:44how can you love a child that stupid? Like, seriously.
1:21:45 > 1:21:47No, no - I don't have kids, you all have kids.
1:21:47 > 1:21:50"Daddy, Daddy, are fish fingers made out of fingers of fish?"
1:21:50 > 1:21:53"No, you complete moron. What are you talking about?
1:21:53 > 1:21:56"I hope your mother had an affair, cos I'm ashamed to call you my son."
1:21:58 > 1:21:59You know what we need to do?
1:21:59 > 1:22:02People don't realise where their food comes from,
1:22:02 > 1:22:03so what we need to do is show them.
1:22:03 > 1:22:05You know when you open a Christmas card,
1:22:05 > 1:22:08the special ones with the chip inside and it makes a noise?
1:22:08 > 1:22:12Do that with meat, so you open lamb and it goes "Baa!" Right?
1:22:12 > 1:22:15- You open a chicken and it goes... - HE CLUCKS
1:22:15 > 1:22:17You open a beefburger and it goes...
1:22:17 > 1:22:20HE SNORTS LIKE A HORSE
1:22:22 > 1:22:24That's what we should do.
1:22:24 > 1:22:26Thank you, thank you very much for that.
1:22:26 > 1:22:28Just time now for a quickfire round.
1:22:28 > 1:22:30I will read you various newspaper headlines
1:22:30 > 1:22:34and unlike an on-the-run Republican, I want you to finish your sentence.
1:22:34 > 1:22:37LAUGHTER AND GROANING
1:22:40 > 1:22:45A smattering of applause there, a lot of Republicans over there.
1:22:49 > 1:22:51Three reasons to die.
1:22:51 > 1:22:53Larne, Lisburn, Strabane.
1:22:59 > 1:23:02NASA invents space glue.
1:23:02 > 1:23:03Gets you really high.
1:23:05 > 1:23:07New Alzheimer's find.
1:23:07 > 1:23:10Turns out to be already existing Alzheimer's find.
1:23:14 > 1:23:17Gays still discriminated against in America.
1:23:17 > 1:23:19Asher's new bagel has no holes.
1:23:27 > 1:23:30Peter Robinson tipped for peerage.
1:23:30 > 1:23:31Still won't make Iris a lady.
1:23:31 > 1:23:33AUDIENCE: Oh!
1:23:33 > 1:23:35Oh!
1:23:35 > 1:23:37LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
1:23:43 > 1:23:47I think you know you've gone too far if I go, "Ah, Jesus!"
1:23:49 > 1:23:51I tracked down my attacker on web.
1:23:51 > 1:23:53It was a spider with a gun.
1:23:53 > 1:23:55And a massive erection.
1:23:57 > 1:24:00And finally, a bush too far.
1:24:00 > 1:24:02Beautician runs out of wax.
1:24:06 > 1:24:08That's it, that's the end of the show.
1:24:08 > 1:24:10Please show your appreciation to our panel,
1:24:10 > 1:24:15Colin Murphy, Josh Howie, Jake O'Kane and Neil Delamere.
1:24:15 > 1:24:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
1:24:20 > 1:24:22I'm...
1:24:22 > 1:24:24I'm Tim McGarry. Until next time,
1:24:24 > 1:24:27don't blame yourselves - blame each other. Goodbye.
1:24:27 > 1:24:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE