1:06:34 > 1:06:35CHEERING
1:06:44 > 1:06:48Hello and welcome to The Blame Game, the topical satire show
1:06:48 > 1:06:53that's more dangerous than Tyson Fury in a gay bar.
1:06:53 > 1:06:56PROLONGED LAUGHTER
1:06:57 > 1:07:01I'm Tim McGarry and punching above their weight
1:07:01 > 1:07:03are our regular panellists - Colin Murphy...
1:07:03 > 1:07:04APPLAUSE
1:07:06 > 1:07:07..Jake O'Kane...
1:07:07 > 1:07:08APPLAUSE
1:07:10 > 1:07:11..and Neil Delamere.
1:07:11 > 1:07:12APPLAUSE
1:07:14 > 1:07:16And our special guest tonight is an actor,
1:07:16 > 1:07:19a writer and a brilliant stand-up comedian.
1:07:19 > 1:07:21He's hosted Live At The Apollo,
1:07:21 > 1:07:23you'd seen him on everything from Have I Got News For You?
1:07:23 > 1:07:24to Would You I Like You?
1:07:24 > 1:07:27Please welcome the wonderful Hal Cruttenden.
1:07:27 > 1:07:28APPLAUSE
1:07:34 > 1:07:36Hal's wife is actually from Northern Ireland
1:07:36 > 1:07:38and I don't want to criticise,
1:07:38 > 1:07:41but Hal does an impression of his wife's accent, which is
1:07:41 > 1:07:46frankly offensive and stereotypes us as scary sectarian bigots.
1:07:48 > 1:07:52Speaking of which, Hal, where exactly is your wife from?
1:07:52 > 1:07:54Now, what a week it's been.
1:07:54 > 1:07:57Storm Desmond battered the UK and Ireland,
1:07:57 > 1:08:00Storm Donald Trump battered the reputation of America
1:08:00 > 1:08:04and Storm Nigel Dodds turned out to be a damp squib.
1:08:05 > 1:08:09Yes, congratulations to Arlene Foster who will be the new DUP leader
1:08:09 > 1:08:11and First Minister.
1:08:11 > 1:08:15Arlene is from Fermanagh, perhaps our most picturesque county.
1:08:15 > 1:08:17Honestly, the countryside in Fermanagh is so wonderful,
1:08:17 > 1:08:20you could frack for miles down there.
1:08:25 > 1:08:28Now, if you suffered from the floods this week or had a power cut,
1:08:28 > 1:08:32you have our sympathy, but remember, things could always be worse.
1:08:32 > 1:08:35I mean, you could be a Muslim just about to go on holiday to America...
1:08:40 > 1:08:42..who supports Manchester United.
1:08:44 > 1:08:47Now, on with the show, the audience ask the questions
1:08:47 > 1:08:49and the panel provide some very unreliable answers,
1:08:49 > 1:08:52so what is our first question tonight from you, the audience?
1:08:52 > 1:08:55Who's to blame for the panel always having a dig about Lurgan,
1:08:55 > 1:08:58says Jacqueline from Lurgan?
1:08:58 > 1:09:02Can I just say I've never had a dig at Lurgan, I love Buckfast.
1:09:05 > 1:09:07Jacqueline, thank you for coming from...
1:09:07 > 1:09:09Jacqueline, are you here? Yep?
1:09:09 > 1:09:10There you are.
1:09:10 > 1:09:13Thank you for coming from Lurgan to Belfast -
1:09:13 > 1:09:16not as if you can have a night out in Lurgan, is it?
1:09:18 > 1:09:22Jackie, Jackie, can I ask, who did the writing for you on the...
1:09:22 > 1:09:24APPLAUSE AND GROANING
1:09:24 > 1:09:27Oh, look. Oh, hold on.
1:09:27 > 1:09:29No, no, no, no, so you don't get to clap
1:09:29 > 1:09:33and go, "Oh-h" at the same time. Make up your mind.
1:09:33 > 1:09:36Who's to blame for Jake O'Kane dressing like Bob Cratchit?
1:09:39 > 1:09:41Says Annie in Downpatrick.
1:09:42 > 1:09:44Right, what's our first question tonight?
1:09:44 > 1:09:49Who do you blame for funny money? An RTE television programme has
1:09:49 > 1:09:53exposed some councillors down south as being open to bribes.
1:09:53 > 1:09:56The electoral system is different down south.
1:09:56 > 1:09:59Down there, they elect politicians and then find out they're criminals.
1:10:03 > 1:10:04APPLAUSE
1:10:09 > 1:10:10You're way ahead of me there.
1:10:12 > 1:10:16One councillor, Hugh McElvaney demanded 10,000 in sterling, rather
1:10:16 > 1:10:20than euro, because he might be corrupt, but he's not stupid.
1:10:21 > 1:10:25- But who can we blame for funny money? - I suppose I'd better take this one,
1:10:25 > 1:10:27considering it's my part of the island.
1:10:27 > 1:10:30Have you seen the undercover footage of the Monaghan fella?
1:10:30 > 1:10:33He is brilliant, so they set up this fake company, RTE did,
1:10:33 > 1:10:35and an Icelandic woman was shouting to him and she was like...
1:10:35 > 1:10:38- CLEAR ICELANDIC ACCENT: - .."What can you do for us?"
1:10:38 > 1:10:39And he was like...
1:10:39 > 1:10:41- SLOW IRISH ACCENT: - "I will do my homework
1:10:41 > 1:10:44"cos I know a load of people around the area."
1:10:44 > 1:10:46He was talking to her like she had broken English.
1:10:46 > 1:10:49Her English was better than his English, right?
1:10:49 > 1:10:51And she goes, "What do you want?"
1:10:51 > 1:10:54And he goes, "If this is unsuccessful, I don't want
1:10:54 > 1:10:58"any money, but if this is successful, I want loads of money!"
1:10:58 > 1:11:03And then he goes like this... # Mmm-hmm-hmm... #
1:11:03 > 1:11:04like the Macarena of bribery.
1:11:09 > 1:11:11But that's not the only funny money one. There's another one.
1:11:11 > 1:11:13It's a brilliant one, right?
1:11:13 > 1:11:17A Catholic priest in Italy, he's been arrested
1:11:17 > 1:11:20because someone left 10 million quid to the parish
1:11:20 > 1:11:23and he spent 70 grand of the money, allegedly, right?
1:11:23 > 1:11:27He spent it on Mediterranean cruises, or some sort of break,
1:11:27 > 1:11:31two fancy cars, a motorbike and a facelift for his ma.
1:11:33 > 1:11:35How do you even bring that up?
1:11:35 > 1:11:38Er, Mama? Mama mia... cos he's from a Dolmio ad.
1:11:42 > 1:11:45"Hey, Mama, I know you have a great devotion to the Virgin Mary,
1:11:45 > 1:11:48"but you know the best thing about the Virgin Mary,
1:11:48 > 1:11:49"she never let herself go."
1:11:50 > 1:11:52BOTH SPEAK AT ONCE
1:11:52 > 1:11:54At least he's only fiddling his expenses.
1:12:01 > 1:12:05Gerry Adams has a cottage in Donegal which he puts down as a holiday home.
1:12:05 > 1:12:08A holiday home because "safe house" sends out the wrong message.
1:12:10 > 1:12:16The other story here was Ian Junior and Danny Kinahan were, er...
1:12:16 > 1:12:21JTI Gallaher that closed the factory in Ballymena
1:12:21 > 1:12:25and put hundreds and hundreds out of work and they invited Ian Junior
1:12:25 > 1:12:29to a rugby match with Danny Kinahan, 1,600 quid or something, and...
1:12:29 > 1:12:32- 1,690 quid.- Was it 1,690?- Er...
1:12:35 > 1:12:36Ah, see, see?
1:12:41 > 1:12:43Cos Ian Paisley Jr was looking after
1:12:43 > 1:12:46the interests of the people of Ballymena that worked in the factory
1:12:46 > 1:12:50because he voted against all the smoking regulations that were
1:12:50 > 1:12:52coming him, all that EU stuff and all that kind of thing
1:12:52 > 1:12:55and the smoking in cars bill that passed in England.
1:12:55 > 1:12:57That might be happening here now,
1:12:57 > 1:13:00to stop people having a fag in a car with a youngster in the back.
1:13:00 > 1:13:03"In the good old days, it was proper, it was proper,
1:13:03 > 1:13:05"driving around smoking, never did my children any harm.
1:13:05 > 1:13:07"He's four-foot two."
1:13:09 > 1:13:12I don't know how this is going to be enforced, this law.
1:13:12 > 1:13:15It's easy, you take the child out, smell it, put it back.
1:13:18 > 1:13:20So there's going to be checkpoints again,
1:13:20 > 1:13:22and there's going to be cops there with a light.
1:13:22 > 1:13:23"Any children in the car?"
1:13:23 > 1:13:26"No, no children at all. No children at all."
1:13:26 > 1:13:28"I can smell shite in the car."
1:13:29 > 1:13:34- Danny Kinahan, we know him. - He's the posh guy.
1:13:34 > 1:13:38He's what we call a "big house unionist" and he's just...
1:13:38 > 1:13:43He's like you. He's very nice and he shouldn't be here and he just...
1:13:43 > 1:13:47He just... I don't mean that the way... No, no, no.
1:13:48 > 1:13:52- I'm leaving tomorrow morning. - Welcome.
1:13:52 > 1:13:56Danny Kinahan, he won the election for the UUP
1:13:56 > 1:14:00and he's just such a nice man. He doesn't fit into politics here.
1:14:00 > 1:14:03He's just so sweet and nice and English and decent.
1:14:03 > 1:14:05And camp. Are you saying camp?
1:14:05 > 1:14:07- Cos he's like me? Is he quite camp? - No, he's not.
1:14:07 > 1:14:09Oh, is he not?
1:14:09 > 1:14:13- If you are wearing the... What's it called again?- Foulard.
1:14:13 > 1:14:17- Foulard!- It's not a scarf, it's a fouLARD!
1:14:17 > 1:14:20You told me that this evening as I was having my cus-TARD!
1:14:24 > 1:14:26Do you know that Northern Ireland,
1:14:26 > 1:14:29you are the highest spenders in the UK in certain things.
1:14:29 > 1:14:33- I saw this this morning, yes. - Food and clothing.
1:14:33 > 1:14:37Lowest spenders in the UK on fuel, obviously, green diesel and...
1:14:37 > 1:14:42and power, cos you don't need gas if you have a bonfire.
1:14:43 > 1:14:46You're the highest spenders on clothes, you're all fashionistas.
1:14:46 > 1:14:50You're all fashionistas in Northern Ireland, you should have
1:14:50 > 1:14:53those bags, you know, London, New York, Paris, Strabane, right?
1:14:56 > 1:15:00We're the highest spenders in fashion...men, amongst men.
1:15:00 > 1:15:04- It's all money on foulards, is it? - Yes, I don't want a scarf,
1:15:04 > 1:15:06I want a foulard.
1:15:07 > 1:15:09By the way, your politicians might seem to be a bit dodgy,
1:15:09 > 1:15:11but your economy's doing far better than ours.
1:15:11 > 1:15:14It was revealed this week that the southern economy is growing at 6%
1:15:14 > 1:15:17- or something and we're growing at 1...- Something like that, yeah.
1:15:17 > 1:15:19You're three times better.
1:15:19 > 1:15:22We're three times faster towards the next recession.
1:15:23 > 1:15:26Northern Ireland,... the Republic's got that...
1:15:26 > 1:15:28it's a more roller coaster... it's a more fun ride, I think.
1:15:28 > 1:15:32Yeah, well, as our greatest songsmith said,
1:15:32 > 1:15:33"Life is a roller coaster."
1:15:37 > 1:15:39Maybe you've just got to ride it.
1:15:41 > 1:15:44But our economy's in trouble and I blame you, not you personally,
1:15:44 > 1:15:46your schoolmate, cos you were at school with somebody...
1:15:46 > 1:15:49Oh, don't make it worse. I'm already unpopular on this show.
1:15:49 > 1:15:52You can save yourself now. You were at school with who?
1:15:52 > 1:15:56I was at school with the Chancellor, George Osborne.
1:15:56 > 1:15:59He was Gideon Osborne at the time and I know it's awful and if
1:15:59 > 1:16:03I'd known what he was going to be, I could have killed him.
1:16:04 > 1:16:06I should have guessed, shouldn't I?
1:16:06 > 1:16:07Cos he used to stand in the playground
1:16:07 > 1:16:10with a little red lunchbox going, "Oh, got some goodies in here."
1:16:16 > 1:16:17What... Did he have a nickname?
1:16:17 > 1:16:20Cos he was Gideon, did he have a nickname in school?
1:16:20 > 1:16:22No, he was, honestly, he was just called Gideon,
1:16:22 > 1:16:24he was Gideon Osborne. He didn't have a... I know.
1:16:24 > 1:16:27See, how posh is his school, that there's someone in your school
1:16:27 > 1:16:30called Gideon and they don't get the piss taken out of them.
1:16:30 > 1:16:34Yes, I'll tell you what, we were a really posh school, OK?
1:16:34 > 1:16:36And we were bullied by another private school,
1:16:36 > 1:16:39not just a state school, a private school called Latymer
1:16:39 > 1:16:42bullied us across the river, because we were posh,
1:16:42 > 1:16:43but Latymer, get this, Latymer,
1:16:43 > 1:16:46old boys from Latymer include Hugh Grant, the actor,
1:16:46 > 1:16:47and Milton Jones, the comedian,
1:16:47 > 1:16:51so that's the sort of person who was mugging us for our dinner money.
1:16:51 > 1:16:52"Oh, could you possibly give me
1:16:52 > 1:16:56"your Rubik's cube, I might have to knee you in the balls or something,"
1:16:56 > 1:16:58or Milton Jones mugging you with a pun, "Give me all your money,
1:16:58 > 1:17:01"the change will do me good," you know, that sort of...
1:17:04 > 1:17:06Thank you, thank you very much for that.
1:17:06 > 1:17:09Yes, it was revealed this week that the Republic's economy is
1:17:09 > 1:17:11growing three times faster than the north.
1:17:11 > 1:17:14This is because of the low rate of corporation tax allows them
1:17:14 > 1:17:16to attract more foreign direct investment,
1:17:16 > 1:17:18the banking sector has been controlled,
1:17:18 > 1:17:20the housing market's stabilised
1:17:20 > 1:17:22and their bakeries sell cakes to gay fellas.
1:17:25 > 1:17:28So what is our next question tonight?
1:17:28 > 1:17:32Who do you blame for Uber coming to Northern Ireland?
1:17:32 > 1:17:34Yes, Uber taxis are coming to Belfast,
1:17:34 > 1:17:38just what we need - more people whingeing about bus lanes.
1:17:39 > 1:17:43But who can we blame for Uber coming to Belfast?
1:17:43 > 1:17:46I think it's brilliant, I think it's great. I think it's wonderful.
1:17:46 > 1:17:48All the local taxi companies are going,
1:17:48 > 1:17:51"It's the end of the world, it's the end of the world,
1:17:51 > 1:17:53"we're all going to be unemployed,
1:17:53 > 1:17:55"all the desk staff are going to be unemployed."
1:17:55 > 1:17:58Good. Good.
1:17:58 > 1:18:03Liars! I have never got one of them in my life who's told the truth.
1:18:03 > 1:18:05You phone up and you say, "I'm going to the airport.
1:18:05 > 1:18:07"I need a taxi, eight o'clock."
1:18:07 > 1:18:08"No problem, pal, eight o'clock, right.
1:18:08 > 1:18:10"Tango 2-4, eight o'clock. Eight o'clock."
1:18:10 > 1:18:12Ten past eight. "Listen, pal..."
1:18:12 > 1:18:15"Oh, he's top of the street, pal. He's at the top of the street,
1:18:15 > 1:18:16"He's turning the corner,
1:18:16 > 1:18:19"You'll be away in two minutes, two minutes.
1:18:19 > 1:18:21"Tango 2-4, that guy's in a rush."
1:18:21 > 1:18:2425 past, "Listen, pal, I'm going to miss the plane."
1:18:24 > 1:18:27"Listen, he rang the bell, he's just after ringing your bell, pal."
1:18:33 > 1:18:34I like taxi men.
1:18:34 > 1:18:38Taxi men, you know, they'll always talk to you, they'll always
1:18:38 > 1:18:41talk to you, but they know everything.
1:18:41 > 1:18:44"Oh, see your man, George Osborne, see him?
1:18:44 > 1:18:46"I'll tell you the problem he has, right?
1:18:46 > 1:18:49"He's keeping the interest rates deflated to an extent
1:18:49 > 1:18:51"that's going actually the depress the whole economy.
1:18:51 > 1:18:53"What he wants to do is let the interest rise
1:18:53 > 1:18:55"and the GDP will rise with it."
1:18:55 > 1:18:57And all I've asked, "Have you got change of 20 quid?"
1:18:57 > 1:19:00That's all I asked. That's all you ask.
1:19:04 > 1:19:06I like it when you don't have to talk to people
1:19:06 > 1:19:08and you don't have to do that...
1:19:08 > 1:19:11cos the people that work in those taxi depots, wow!
1:19:11 > 1:19:13If you're out there, wow!
1:19:13 > 1:19:15Those voices - "Mm-mm-mm?!"
1:19:15 > 1:19:20Those people certain and single with speaking voices like that,
1:19:20 > 1:19:22- COARSE ACCENT:- "What do you want?!"
1:19:24 > 1:19:26- POLITE ACCENT: - "And hello to you too.
1:19:26 > 1:19:31"I would seek a conveyance please from the city centre
1:19:31 > 1:19:34"going to the outskirts somewhere in the suburbs."
1:19:34 > 1:19:36- COARSE ACCENT:- "No problem, be with you 10 minutes!"
1:19:37 > 1:19:40And being in the cab whenever they used to have the radios
1:19:40 > 1:19:43and it wasn't actually that long ago either
1:19:43 > 1:19:46and you're in a cab and you hear this... This is brilliant.
1:19:46 > 1:19:50I was in a cab once and...in the middle of town, stuck in traffic
1:19:50 > 1:19:51and the radio was on.
1:19:51 > 1:19:53He had the wee speaker thing and everything,
1:19:53 > 1:19:56and you heard the woman coming through from the dispatch
1:19:56 > 1:19:59and beautiful speaking voice and she comes in...
1:19:59 > 1:20:01- COARSE ACCENT:- .."Anybody free to pick up at the Co?!
1:20:03 > 1:20:06"Anybody free to pick up at the Co?!"
1:20:06 > 1:20:07Nobody was free.
1:20:07 > 1:20:10"Anybody free to pick up at the Co?!" I was wishing someone would...
1:20:10 > 1:20:14"Just say yes, just stop her talking!" and eventually
1:20:14 > 1:20:17this guy did answer and I swear to God, this guy was French, right?
1:20:17 > 1:20:20This guy had a French accent or he was putting on, it was fantastic.
1:20:20 > 1:20:22- COARSE ACCENT:- "Anybody free to pick up at the Co?"
1:20:22 > 1:20:25- All you heard through the speaker was...- FRENCH ACCENT:- "I will."
1:20:28 > 1:20:32Belfast is actually a very trendy city now.
1:20:32 > 1:20:34It's been voted one of the trendiest cities in the world.
1:20:34 > 1:20:38They do that every year, every year they come out with this nonsense
1:20:38 > 1:20:39about, "Belfast is..."
1:20:39 > 1:20:42"Belfast is the..." Who do they survey?
1:20:42 > 1:20:44Where are they doing the surveys for this?
1:20:44 > 1:20:46It's outside a toilet in some nightclub,
1:20:46 > 1:20:48that's what they're doing. "Do you think..."
1:20:48 > 1:20:50"Belfast is brilliant, so it is, it's absolutely..."
1:20:57 > 1:20:59You've got your foulard on.
1:20:59 > 1:21:02I'd never even heard of a foulard and I've only learned that...
1:21:02 > 1:21:05I'm 46 and I've learned that coming to Northern Ireland.
1:21:05 > 1:21:10I think the wardrobe girl's made that up. "Oh, it's a foulard, Jake."
1:21:10 > 1:21:11"Foulard, is that what it is?"
1:21:13 > 1:21:16They're all exchanging money now - "I can't believe he went for it!"
1:21:18 > 1:21:20A foulard! I mean...
1:21:22 > 1:21:29- He...he called me Steptoe the other week.- But you...- Exactly.
1:21:29 > 1:21:33And I'm walking through town, taxi driver, window down, "Steptoe!"
1:21:36 > 1:21:38Isn't this part of a lot of very positive polls
1:21:38 > 1:21:41about Northern Ireland, about it being trendy, but isn't it...
1:21:41 > 1:21:43I don't know whether you've discussed this
1:21:43 > 1:21:46or whether it is well known, I think I saw it in the Belfast Telegraph...
1:21:46 > 1:21:47- Oh, so it's true!- Wasn't it...
1:21:49 > 1:21:53It was voted sexiest accent, isn't it, in the UK?
1:21:53 > 1:21:55Northern Ireland has the sexiest accent. It is.
1:21:55 > 1:21:57I know you won't be able to tell that,
1:21:57 > 1:21:59I'm so aroused, just sitting here.
1:21:59 > 1:22:03- Close your eyes, close your eyes, close your eyes.- But it is.
1:22:03 > 1:22:04- COARSE ACCENT:- "You're beautiful!
1:22:08 > 1:22:10"I'll be with you in 10 minutes!
1:22:11 > 1:22:13"10 minutes, I'm coming!
1:22:14 > 1:22:18- "Round the corner." - "Are you anywhere near the Co?!"
1:22:21 > 1:22:24I think I have a thing about accents that slightly scare me.
1:22:24 > 1:22:26I think it's true.
1:22:28 > 1:22:30I do, I think there's something, I'm a little bit...
1:22:30 > 1:22:33During sex, does she shout, "You've 10 minutes to get out?"
1:22:40 > 1:22:42It's like, "Do you want me to tie you up?"
1:22:42 > 1:22:44"If you let me go free, I won't tell a soul."
1:22:45 > 1:22:49- But, um...- "What's your safe word?" "Buttercrane shopping centre."
1:22:53 > 1:22:56Thank you, thank you very much for that.
1:22:56 > 1:22:59Yes, it's true, Belfast has been named the trendiest city in Europe.
1:22:59 > 1:23:02Obviously somebody hasn't seen Jake wearing those cravats.
1:23:02 > 1:23:04It's a foulard!
1:23:04 > 1:23:08So, what other questions have we got from the audience tonight?
1:23:08 > 1:23:12Who's to blame for the floods, the gays or refugees?
1:23:15 > 1:23:18- Willie Frazer...- Willie Frazer.
1:23:26 > 1:23:30Who's to blame for Translink trying out an amphibious bus?
1:23:39 > 1:23:42So what is our next question tonight?
1:23:42 > 1:23:46Who do you blame for boxers with too much personality?
1:23:46 > 1:23:50Tyson Fury may be kicked out of the Sports Personality of the Year
1:23:50 > 1:23:54because of his alleged homophobia and to make matters worse,
1:23:54 > 1:23:57he's also missed the deadline to be leader of the DUP.
1:24:03 > 1:24:07But who can we blame for boxers with too much personality?
1:24:07 > 1:24:10Now, I didn't know who this man was
1:24:10 > 1:24:13until that fight thing that happened a couple of weeks ago.
1:24:13 > 1:24:16- I had no idea, I'm not into sport. - You'd never guess(!)
1:24:18 > 1:24:22And the Tyson Fury thing I thought was a state of mind.
1:24:22 > 1:24:24I didn't realise it was his name.
1:24:24 > 1:24:27Tyson Fury, Tyson Happy, Tyson Hungry.
1:24:29 > 1:24:32I didn't realise that was his actual name and, er...
1:24:32 > 1:24:37You could have thought he was one of the Fureys, like Finbar Furey.
1:24:37 > 1:24:41Um, yeah, and it turns out he's not and he's a boxer man and he's...
1:24:41 > 1:24:43A boxer man?!
1:24:43 > 1:24:48- I say, I say... - He won some boxing game.
1:24:50 > 1:24:52I believe that's an accurate description of it there
1:24:52 > 1:24:54and he got battered round the head by some fella
1:24:54 > 1:24:56and he battered him not as hard as he battered the other fella
1:24:56 > 1:24:59and he won and Sports Personality of the Year,
1:24:59 > 1:25:01oxymoron, and I thought, "Well,
1:25:01 > 1:25:03"this Tyson Fury fella has got one half of that correct."
1:25:03 > 1:25:05Cos he's running round and his religious beliefs,
1:25:05 > 1:25:09saying that everybody's... He's a homophobe and he doesn't believe...
1:25:09 > 1:25:11Homosexuality's a sign of Armageddon
1:25:11 > 1:25:14and this kind of thing and people here are going, "Yeah, well,
1:25:14 > 1:25:18"we're used to that," and it's the sexist stuff that I found...
1:25:18 > 1:25:20People seem to not get more annoyed about this.
1:25:20 > 1:25:23The sexist stuff was unbelievable, the things that he came out with.
1:25:23 > 1:25:25The things he said about his wife, he described his wife,
1:25:25 > 1:25:28"My wife sometimes needs an uppercut to the chin
1:25:28 > 1:25:30"and then sometimes she doesn't." Oh, that's lovely, isn't it?
1:25:30 > 1:25:33I mean, you won't find that card in Clinton's, do you know what I mean?
1:25:35 > 1:25:37It's...
1:25:39 > 1:25:42Then he says women... The latest one was,
1:25:42 > 1:25:47"Women are best in the kitchen on their back making me a cup of tea."
1:25:48 > 1:25:52And I don't know what kind of world this man lives in, right?
1:25:52 > 1:25:54But do you know how difficult it is
1:25:54 > 1:25:56to make a cup of tea lying on your back?
1:25:56 > 1:25:59The woman would scald herself there pouring the tea
1:25:59 > 1:26:01and trying to limbo out of the place,
1:26:01 > 1:26:04milk, you've got no idea whether you're...spoon or...
1:26:05 > 1:26:09The thing about saying women... this is what he says,
1:26:09 > 1:26:11"Women, they're place is either in the kitchen on the back..."
1:26:11 > 1:26:15And he says, "That's a man, that's what a real man thinks,"
1:26:15 > 1:26:17and we know the real man thinks,
1:26:17 > 1:26:22real man changes babies' nappies, a real man shares the housework
1:26:22 > 1:26:27with his wife, a real man ensures his partner achieves their optimum.
1:26:27 > 1:26:29Is that everything my wife said?
1:26:37 > 1:26:39It says it there, look, "If you say all those things,
1:26:39 > 1:26:42- "I'll let you wear that stupid scarf."- Oh!
1:26:44 > 1:26:47- Is Fury a normal surname anyway or is it...- He changed it.
1:26:47 > 1:26:51He did change it, though, he was Tyson Angry Bastard...
1:26:53 > 1:26:56- But I do... I do think... - Tyson O'Toole,
1:26:56 > 1:26:58I think it was at one point as well.
1:26:59 > 1:27:02I do think, "Thank God he's a boxer," for his dad.
1:27:02 > 1:27:06His dad called him Tyson and that expectation...
1:27:06 > 1:27:08I mean, imagine that had happened to someone like me,
1:27:08 > 1:27:10being called Tyson, imagine you end up
1:27:10 > 1:27:12Tyson Fury, hairdresser to the stars.
1:27:15 > 1:27:18Thank God, thank God he went into boxing, I think.
1:27:18 > 1:27:23I stumbled upon some naked aggression this week in town.
1:27:23 > 1:27:27On Saturday, I was in town, doing a bit of Christmas shopping
1:27:27 > 1:27:30with my youngest and we were wandering...
1:27:30 > 1:27:34I forgot that Willie Frazer was out to save Northern Ireland
1:27:34 > 1:27:37and he was...
1:27:37 > 1:27:40I stumbled across the protest and it took me a while to find them.
1:27:40 > 1:27:43- He was protesting against refugees. - He was protesting against refugees.
1:27:43 > 1:27:46It took me ages to find the actual protest amongst the shoppers,
1:27:46 > 1:27:50but I found him in behind the Belfast Telegraph seller
1:27:50 > 1:27:52and they were all crowded around.
1:27:52 > 1:27:55They said there were 50 of them on the news, but there weren't.
1:27:55 > 1:27:58I counted 25 and they were crowded around, there was no loudhailer,
1:27:58 > 1:28:01they were just in a corner going, "I think they shouldn't be here."
1:28:01 > 1:28:04And everybody else was walking past going, "You're a disgrace."
1:28:04 > 1:28:07And calling themselves Protestant Coalition, which is
1:28:07 > 1:28:11a disgrace to Protestantism, to be honest, and they were...
1:28:11 > 1:28:13If the name has more letters in it
1:28:13 > 1:28:15than the number of people who turned up at the protest...
1:28:15 > 1:28:18Your organisation doesn't have much support.
1:28:18 > 1:28:21This is Willie Frazer, though, so Willie Frazer's involved
1:28:21 > 1:28:23in this Protestant Coalition and you think,
1:28:23 > 1:28:25"Does Willie know who he is protesting against?"
1:28:25 > 1:28:28Given that Willie didn't know the difference between an Irish flag
1:28:28 > 1:28:30- and an Italian flag before. - One of the things,
1:28:30 > 1:28:34one of there arguments is, "We don't want terrorists here, we don't want
1:28:34 > 1:28:36"terrorists coming into the country."
1:28:36 > 1:28:37We don't want terrorists here?
1:28:37 > 1:28:39That was genuinely one of his arguments.
1:28:39 > 1:28:41"We don't want terrorists here.
1:28:41 > 1:28:43"We've got our own sort of organic, free-range terrorists.
1:28:43 > 1:28:46"We don't want these battery terrorists coming here,
1:28:46 > 1:28:49"these artificial terrorists, we want our own ones."
1:28:52 > 1:28:55- Unbelievable!- Coming over here, taking our jobs!
1:28:56 > 1:29:00And the sad thing is that Willie Frazer still manages to be
1:29:00 > 1:29:03- the thinking man's Donald Trump. - That's true.
1:29:03 > 1:29:05What is going on in there with that?
1:29:05 > 1:29:09So he says he doesn't want any Muslims going to America any more.
1:29:09 > 1:29:11Did you see the reactions, though?
1:29:11 > 1:29:14The reactions to this, the ban on Muslims entering America,
1:29:14 > 1:29:16were heartening. So I've written them down.
1:29:16 > 1:29:17"Unhinged," is what Jeb Bush said.
1:29:17 > 1:29:21"Reprehensible, prejudiced and divisive," Hillary Clinton said.
1:29:21 > 1:29:23"Who will go to the shops for me?" - Peter Robinson.
1:29:27 > 1:29:32This is really scary, like, 443 people have been killed this year
1:29:32 > 1:29:35in mass shootings in America, right? There's been 1,300 people injured...
1:29:35 > 1:29:36Avoid Mass.
1:29:45 > 1:29:47Thank you, thank you very much for that.
1:29:47 > 1:29:53So what is our next question tonight? Who do you blame for uncool dads?
1:29:54 > 1:29:56Um.. I can...
1:29:56 > 1:30:00I would say, cos I can say this because my kids are in London
1:30:00 > 1:30:01and won't see this.
1:30:02 > 1:30:05It's kids. Kids are horrible. They're horribly judgmental.
1:30:05 > 1:30:09Mine are 15 and 13 and I'm just sitting this out and waiting.
1:30:09 > 1:30:11I'm not going to stay here, but I've got to go home,
1:30:11 > 1:30:14but we're hoping to get through the teenage years.
1:30:14 > 1:30:17I bought a new car this year and my kids said,
1:30:17 > 1:30:19"Get blacked out windows," and I went,
1:30:19 > 1:30:20"Why? You want me to look cool?"
1:30:20 > 1:30:22They went, "No, we don't want other people to see
1:30:22 > 1:30:24"who's dropping us off at school."
1:30:24 > 1:30:26They genuinely said that. I was talking to them about my dad.
1:30:26 > 1:30:29My dad, OK, looked like me, well, I look like him,
1:30:29 > 1:30:31he had a beard and moustache.
1:30:31 > 1:30:34He was... Get this, I look like him but he was an alpha male.
1:30:34 > 1:30:37So he was like me, but a man.
1:30:39 > 1:30:41And he was so cool.
1:30:41 > 1:30:45We had such respect for him, my kids call me Chubster.
1:30:49 > 1:30:52They call me Chubster and The Camp Man, those are the two,
1:30:52 > 1:30:55I promise you. I said, "You don't have any fear of me, do you, Grace?"
1:30:55 > 1:30:56And she answered by saying...
1:30:56 > 1:30:59- MIMICKING:- "You don't have any fear of me, do you, Grace?"
1:30:59 > 1:31:02Martha, my 15-year-old, I was having a row with and I said,
1:31:02 > 1:31:04"Martha, I know what it's like to be 15, I was 15 once as well.
1:31:04 > 1:31:07"Do you know what? If you'd known me at 15, we'd have been friends.
1:31:07 > 1:31:09And she said... I promise this is true, she said,
1:31:09 > 1:31:11"Yeah, you'd have been my gay best friend."
1:31:16 > 1:31:18I think it's just very hard being a cool dad.
1:31:18 > 1:31:21I don't know if you've heard that Ronnie Wood is becoming
1:31:21 > 1:31:24- a dad at 68 to twins.- Twins.
1:31:24 > 1:31:29By the time they're teenagers, he's going to be in his 80s.
1:31:29 > 1:31:31He can say things like, "Yeah, go up to your room,
1:31:31 > 1:31:34"don't jump on my stairlift again."
1:31:34 > 1:31:36So I constantly, I don't know,
1:31:36 > 1:31:40I don't think Ronnie Wood's going to do well with this thing.
1:31:40 > 1:31:42I must admit, do you remember Ronnie Wood didn't join
1:31:42 > 1:31:45the Stones till the '70s, so he's one of the younger Stones...
1:31:45 > 1:31:47- He's the oldest. - ..and that shocked me
1:31:47 > 1:31:49that someone told me that he is 68,
1:31:49 > 1:31:53and I thought, "There's something about pop stars getting old
1:31:53 > 1:31:54"that's just so wrong,"
1:31:54 > 1:31:56like Madonna clings to youth -
1:31:56 > 1:31:59she's got the wrong name for being an old lady.
1:31:59 > 1:32:01You can't imagine in the old people's home someone going,
1:32:01 > 1:32:04"Can someone take Madonna to the toilet?" It just sounds wrong.
1:32:04 > 1:32:07"Old Jay Z's pyjamas are falling down again.
1:32:07 > 1:32:11"Do you know Rhianna's been on that commode for 25 minutes?
1:32:11 > 1:32:15"Are you still happy, Pharrell? Yes, you were up all night,
1:32:15 > 1:32:20"not to get lucky, that was your prostate, wasn't it, mate?"
1:32:20 > 1:32:23- Your kids are embarrassed by you... - That wasn't a question.
1:32:23 > 1:32:24Colin, we've just...
1:32:24 > 1:32:28This is an intervention, they've asked to say this to you.
1:32:28 > 1:32:33- Your kids are embarrassed by you. - How old are your kids?- 14 and 11.
1:32:33 > 1:32:36A few years ago, I had a DVD out and it was out by Christmas,
1:32:36 > 1:32:40the way most DVDs are, and in January, I was in an Xtra-vision
1:32:40 > 1:32:44and I was up paying for the late return
1:32:44 > 1:32:47and the next thing, the youngest at the back of the shop going,
1:32:47 > 1:32:50"Daddy, Daddy, you're in the bargain bucket!"
1:32:55 > 1:32:57Thank you, thank you very much for that.
1:32:57 > 1:32:58Just time for our quickfire round.
1:32:58 > 1:33:00I will read you various newspaper headlines
1:33:00 > 1:33:04and I want you to be faster than Donald Trump out of a mosque.
1:33:07 > 1:33:09Hundreds turn up to see dead whale.
1:33:09 > 1:33:12Willie Frazer less popular than stiff Willie.
1:33:14 > 1:33:16How long is this going to take?
1:33:16 > 1:33:17Foreplay in Ireland.
1:33:20 > 1:33:23Why do young men chase older women?
1:33:23 > 1:33:26Because they're slower than younger women.
1:33:33 > 1:33:36New artificial heart grown in lab.
1:33:36 > 1:33:39Arlene Foster first in line to buy one.
1:33:42 > 1:33:43End of the squishy banana?
1:33:43 > 1:33:45Tim McGarry discovers Viagra.
1:33:52 > 1:33:53The real Batman...
1:33:53 > 1:33:55Spreads Ebola.
1:34:02 > 1:34:05And finally, two's a crowd.
1:34:05 > 1:34:07At the NI21 party conference.
1:34:11 > 1:34:14That's it. That's the end of the show.
1:34:14 > 1:34:19Please show your appreciation to our panel, Colin Murphy...
1:34:19 > 1:34:20APPLAUSE
1:34:21 > 1:34:23..Hal Cruttenden...
1:34:23 > 1:34:25APPLAUSE
1:34:25 > 1:34:26..Jake O'Kane...
1:34:26 > 1:34:28APPLAUSE
1:34:28 > 1:34:30..and Neil Delamere.
1:34:30 > 1:34:32APPLAUSE
1:34:33 > 1:34:35I'm Tim McGarry, until next time,
1:34:35 > 1:34:37don't blame yourselves, blame each other.
1:34:37 > 1:34:38Goodbye.